Mustang Maneuvers on the High Desert

Pictures of injured or starving mustangs are disturbing. Every year, many articles talk about the struggle of the mustangs to survive on the outskirts of densely populated areas without obvious food sources during a drought. Living amidst the horses, I often wonder if these are stock photos are used to raise sympathy dollars. The mustangs I share the desert with are fat and sassy most days. The determination and will of a 1500 pound horse is awe inspiring, especially when they are invading a neighborhood at night breaking sprinkler pipes for a drink or ravaging a front yard for a tasty treat.

Not to say they don’t have their share of hardships. It’s true. The most obvious cause of death that I’ve observed is road related. Horses and cars are a terrible combination. It’s usually fatal for all involved and it happens more than you would think. Mustangs are always on the move, along with people. Picture postcard still, somedays they seem not to move at all. But then, I’ll be lucky enough to see them galloping through long empty stretches of BLM (the real one – Bureau of Land Management) acres. Picturesque and fitting, because that land that belongs to all of us as Americans. Public use lands.

Horses are hardy and resilient animals. When the foals are born, they must be ready to travel miles with the herd by the end of their first day of life. When newborn, their little tail are puffs of fluff. Little pointed hooves travel over hot sands and jagged rocks. They huddle close with the herd on cold desert nights. They wade through winter snows, growing up fast . In a very short time, the fluff is replaced by a real tail and their muscles grow strong. There is nothing delicate about a mustang foal. Even less delicate is the rage you can incite from the herd if you try to mess with one. And yet, idiot tourists do.

I’ve seen only a few terribly injured horses since I’ve lived in Nevada. Of course, the stallions are often covered with hairless hoof prints, testimony to territorial fights. They bite and kick each other with ferocity. On hind legs they strike with their front while teeth protrude and their loud screams complete the picture. This can happen anywhere, at any time. In the streets of Virginia City while on my deck, I was witness to one such argument. Violent, it came out of nowhere and made me respect these horses from a distance. The front and rear end, and, the teeth!

Bachelor herds form and roam together. In Virginia City, it was obvious these young stallions were either too young or old to have their own harem. Being horses, and liking company, at times they would hang out together. It was in these groups, often grazing below my suspended deck, on which I would see hunks of hanging flesh, slowly healing from the last major fight. Never anything more than superficial wounds, they looked gruesome, but didn’t prevent the stallions from walking miles while dreaming of their own harems one day. Seemingly docile and domestic, introduce a mare in heat, and the entire situation would change in an instant. The most fit, dominant, and rugged male always got the girl, or two or three of them.

Mustangs eat anything. They eat every waking moment as they plod along searching for food. Standing at the corner of Rabbit Brush Lane and Highway 85 when I run to the store, they’re docile and still. Twenty minutes later, upon my return, they’ve vanished into thin air. The topography allows us to see for miles, but, they disappear without a trace. They have no predators in the desert. Their only adversary is man. As more people escape city entrapment to move to the beauty of the high desert, habitats and the fragile desert landscape suffer. Some would insist the mustangs are an intruder, not truly native. but introduced to the desert way of life hundreds of years ago. There is truth to that, but, they find themselves in a wild state now. They’re as American as you or I, still enjoying their absolute freedom.

Last week, driving along Rabbit Brush Lane, a drama was unfolding. Vehicles lined the side of the road, all with similar markings on the doors reading “Large Animal Rescue Team”. Off to the south side, dwarfed by the tall sage brush and tumbleweeds, a group of eight people formed a human corral. Wearing yellow and orange reflective vests, holding orange boards, while being spaced at least six feet apart, they stood without speaking. I know this, because I stopped to watch, not sure what was happening.

They didn’t move. They didn’t speak. They stood with their 2′ x 3′ boards, horizontally, in front of their bodies. This made them appear larger than they were, still and quiet. Inside the very large human corral they formed was a lone mustang stallion. Chestnut in color, it also stood quietly. Make no mistake, it had every single person identified and under its radar. It chewed nervously while watching with intensely intelligent eyes. It’s all about the eyes with mustangs.

This stationary stand-off went on for minutes until the mustang decided to move away from these folks, just a little. Then, it was obvious. This guy was horrible injured. Not obvious if the injury was to hip or leg, the horse was in grave distress. As he hobbled along, the group took small steps forward, still not talking or making any quick movements.

Determined, the group moved towards a temporary and creative. The goal was to get the mustang into the old, beat up horse trailer, waiting with an open gate. When handling mustangs, the older and more beat up the trailer the better, because, it will surely be that way after transporting 1500 pounds of anger. Metal horse panels came out like a V from back of the trailer, tightly secured and creating a funneled entrance. More metal horse panels formed a small pen with the gates gaping, wide open. There was one way in, and no way out for this guy.

As the group waited, the stallion watched and chewed. Slowly, all of them moved towards the corral and trailer. As this was happening, no ropes were thrown. No taunting or yelling occurred. Only the wind disturbed the silence of the desert as eight men and women physically asked this injured mustang to head toward the trailer and medical help. He seemed to understand the situation. His body language seemed to say, “I really need some help guys, just give me a minute here.”

This was one lucky mustang. Suffering a severe injury, as his obviously was, the result would have been death by dehydration and starvation, as he was in no shape to follow his herd to greener pastures. With endless patience, time went by as the group approached the corral. With one futile escape attempt, he entered the corral, the gates shut, and the wild horse stood calmly, awaiting the next request from the group.

The gang of eight didn’t approach the corral, or even acknowledge that he was trapped. They simply talked quietly a little ways from the corral. They let him settle and think about the situation at bit. He needed a rest, and so did they. Job well done on all parts.

In observing these expert horse men and women, I was impressed by their knowledge, patience, and persistence with this stallion. There will would be done, but on his time. They showed respect and in return, he responded to their wishes. Simple. This procedure couldn’t be hurried along, or carried out in a disrespectful manner. That would have simply resulted in more injury for the stallion and possible the rescue workers.

The outcome for this stallion is unknown. Injuries involving hips and legs are extremely serious in horses. The High Desert Large Animal Rescue Team did just as they have been trained. The stallion has the best chance of recovery with them. That’s what they do best. But even with the best of care, leg and hip injuries are most serious in horses. This team will provide care with the least amount of suffering.

It seems our world could learn a lot from these amazing men and women. So many misunderstanding arise from forced will upon others. A lack of time to calm and think often creates disastrous outcomes in a world moving at warp speed. Sometimes, just standing still, while doing or saying nothing allows everyone time to think and make sensible decisions on their own. Yet another lesson to be learned here in the high desert of Northwestern Nevada.

The Healing of My Soul

The day is here when my happy involves living life while appreciating each moment.

The time is now when new adventures are not wrapped in fear.

The day is here when going on an outing can be spontaneous and organic.

The time is now that the devastation of cancer no longer dictates my weeping.

The day is here when something silly can make me belly laugh, loudly.

The time is now to realize the winter of intense grief has passed.

A peace is growing in the space between who we were then, and who I’m becoming right now.

Creativity blooms again, fresh and new, after the firestorm of a cancerous death.

Within Winterpast’s safe comfort, my life shines in technicolor.

God watches over me as I garden quietly and smile.

Dreams bloom as sweetly as fragile peonies, scenting the high desert breezes of spring with their delicate fragrance.

Happiness lives in my soul, where despair and loneliness have no lodging.

Adventure, travel, happiness, and love are mine to enjoy, chosen with sound judgement and care.

Struggles will undoubtedly come again and I’ll be ready.

For this moment, I dance under the bluest skies while rejoicing with the flowers.

Joy Hurt 5/24/2021

Hope Through the Darkness, Character in the Dawn

What a week it’s been here in the high desert of Northwestern Nevada. Waking up to the sound of rain refreshes my spirit. There are not that many rain filled spring days, so this week, I have enjoyed every single one. This morning, the wireless rain gauge reports we have had over an inch of rain in a week. There has been homemade vegetable soup simmering, Christmas projects at the kitchen table, and old movies on tv. A nice way to enjoy retirement, which I love more and more each day.

On Tuesday, I found the need to get out of the house. Everyone needs to see another human once in awhile, and Tuesday was my day. Receiving an email from a local political group, it seemed an interesting speaker would be visiting my little town to tell his story. I looked him up, online, and watched two of his speeches. I would be there to hear him in person.

Leaving a little early, I’d take $5 and try my luck with the one armed bandit at the casino where the meeting would be held. Well, I might as well have ripped the $5 in two, because my luck remains the same. A gambler I’m not. VST and I would each try our luck before enjoying burgers at a local casino close to Virginia City. Sometimes he’d win enough to pay for our meal, but more often, we’d just spend a few mindless moments feeding the machines before dinner. Luckily, gambling never had a hold on either one of us. You can hope in one hand and …. well …. you know the saying.

Covid-19 left our casinos dark, eerie, and empty places. Shiny machines twinkle in the dim light. Perky music plays loudly. The Bars sit empty. Employees, scrubbed and starched, smile amongst themselves, as no one enters. Since the relaxation of mask requirements, things are starting to return to normal. Thank goodness.

After my little gambling loss, I headed for the meeting room at the back of the “Big Bears in the Forest” Restaurant. Familiar faces entered the room, and soon, I was with friends. Not close friends, but people that I’ve met over my first year. No longer the new girl in town, I felt at ease and settled into my own little space.

Watching the crowd trickle in, I realized the group had dwindled in number, as I assume many political groups have. It mattered not to me. I was on a mission to listen to one man who had a message I was certain was meant for me.

Invited to a table of five, I declined. Although appreciative, protection of personal space is something that is automatic now. Finding a table near the window, I settled in. Sitting alone, I wished I had someone to talk to, and then, in she bounced. Bubbly and beautiful Ninja Neighbor! When you’ve lived somewhere long enough to run into a neighbor, you’re no longer new. She came to join me, immediately finding things to chat about. She’s such a blessing to me. Our of the corner of my eye, I kept watching for Captain Sam Brown.

The retired officer would be obvious. A very tall and lean war veteran, his entrance would surely command attention. County and State leaders filed through the door as I waited, until he appeared. In jeans and a pale blue shirt, he radiated kindness and self-confidence. Joined by his wife, the two made a stunning couple. Making their way around the room for introductions, it was obvious they had the makings of a power couple. No one could look away.

Sam had chosen his topic well. Suffering. It’s here I need to mention that Sam had been through more than a little hell in his life. As a WestPoint graduate and Captain in the United States Army, he had chosen infantry as his career focus. One day in the desert, his group was the unlucky one to hit an IED (roadside bomb), leaving him covered with burning diesel fuel and terribly injured. Yes. The suffering had left this handsome man with a different kind of face than you or I.

Sam talked about suffering in life. As he shared, many thoughts raced through my mind. Physical suffering. Mental suffering. Spiritual suffering. Loss of youth. Loss of career. Loss of a spouse. Loss of dreams. The list was endless. Through life we all live endure suffering, but how do we choose to deal with it?

Sam had no choice at that moment. Luckily, his fellow soldiers were there to get him to safety, to face a coma, unimaginable pain, and years of reconstructive surgery. Sam talked about embracing the suffering through his faith and courage. Internalizing his message, I could relate. So much of the last two years of my life took courage I didn’t know I had. Smoldering, it would flame to action when I needed it the most. Courage was always there, at my core, just like Sam and the rest of us.

Through the suffering and courage, bloomed character and optimism. Sam had to learn to do the simplest things all over again, while facing surgery after surgery. Through it all, there appeared, by his side, a sweet soldier that helped him through. Falling in love, they walked through his healing together and eventually married.

The one thing Sam never lost was hope for a bright future. It was there on his darkest days when thoughts of his tomorrows were unclear. When feeling all was lost, he kept looking for things that weren’t. He changed his course while walking past the things taken away, towards new opportunities that bloomed as he healed. He had to learn to smile again. And he did.

Looking around the room as he spoke, it was obvious. The collective suffering in the room was overwhelming, and yet, so was the character and sense of hope. You could feel it in the air and through quiet tears that fell as we listened to this brave hero’s story. Faith and hope are sometimes the only tools we have to get through when all seems lost.

Through the suffering and hope, as Sam told the story, character built the foundation for success. Each new sufferable obstacle was met as an opportunity for growth as he has continued to power through life, marriage, and fatherhood of three young kids. A few flames were not going to extinguish Sam’s life story. Faith and hope are carrying him through. Reflecting on Sam’s outlook on life helped me to reflect on my own. An evening well spent.

Inspirational? A resounding yes. Sam’s story is told in several videos on YouTube. Just search Captain Sam Brown. You won’t be disappointed. We should all watch for great things from this lovely couple in the future.

All Aboard The Orient Express–Part 6

491.9 Kilometers of dreams took me straight into the worst nightmare yet. I’d slept 6 extra hours in an upright position. Perhaps I’d been awake here or there, but never when the train stopped in Tiraspol. For that little snippet of time, I was out like a light. No one knew where I was going or whether or not I had documents to go there. All very important information in a communist country.

Russian law in 1977 required that in order to leave a certain area, you must have the proper documentation and travel visa. Written permission to leave a home town’s border was required. Without a blessing from those in charge, you were breaking very serious laws, as I was now.

I had no permission to be in Kiev, arriving by train or any other method. I had no contacts in Kiev. The only word I knew was “TractoroExport”. This agency of the Russian government was our only contact. It was this word that I kept repeating over and over as a small viewing audience grew. It was obvious that this very distressed and young woman needed some immediate help.

On long taxi trips to the farm on which we worked, we would often get stuck on dirt roads behind prison trucks. The trucks themselves were modified box trucks with no side windows. The back door had a window with steel bars and no glass. To each side of the door, there were square steel platforms with railing. Each one of them held an armed guard and a huge Alsatian, bigger than ANY German Shepherds bred in the states. These dogs were magnificent with amber colored eyes that didn’t miss a move. Pair them with two Russian guards with AK-47’s that would stab and shoot you simultaneously, while laughing. Ice water veins, they looked straight past us into nothing.

As I struggled from the back seat to see prisoners inside, they jockied for position to look through the bars back at the taxi behind them. Crowded, the men, with their blank stares and shaved heads looked like prisoners of war. I can only guess what crimes they had committed. Jaywalking outside of a crosswalk? Not handing over a passport when it was demanded? Now, with no paperwork to be in Kiev, I could join them on their box-truck journey. Because, I had broken some big, big laws with my untimely slumber.

Led to a waiting car by a uniformed officer, the crowd parted and I felt very small and extremely important, all at once. Seriously in deep water, I got in the back with no more tears to cry. Not even a hiccup. Petrified and living my worst nightmare. It wasn’t a regular patrol car, but not a black Mercedes either. Somewhere in between.

“I take you. TractorExport. Now.”

I didn’t quite know what my fate would be. I hoped they would find some kindness in their hearts to send me back to Tiraspol or out of this communist hell hole to await my fate in Vienna. Pulling up to the TractoroExport building, I felt comfort that I could read the word, but also terror at what was to come.

Inside a plain but clean office, four very Russian men, all in black suits, white shirts, and grey ties, stood on one side of a desk glaring at me. I sat on the opposite side. In my experience, all government buildings and offices look exactly the same. There are multiple pictures of Lenin everywhere, sometimes even in life size. Pictures of Leonid Brezhnev, the Acting General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist party, were smaller in size, but also hung around the building. The furniture was all the same cheaply varnished, reddish wood. Every bookcase, desk, chair, or stapler was exactly the same in any office I had visited. Communist produced and government issued.

The four TractoroExport associates were not sympathetic to a lost American. The were judgmental and harsh. Peering into my eyes, they shared their disbelief that I’d been so stupid. I agreed with them on that count.

“And you did not get off at your stop, Why? Do you realize you are in very deep trouble? What REAL business do you, an AMERICAN woman, have in our city, KIEV? Does KIEV sound like TIRASPOL? “

The questions went on and on, and soon, I was again weeping. In quiet irritation they discussed the options for my return. Delivered to where, I knew not. They held my passport, my train tickets, and what little Romania Leu I had left.

“You will need to pay for ticket back to Tiraspol.”

This was great! I had the Leu. I handed it all to them. Just take it. Blankly they stared back.

“This is worth nothing. We need $100 American dollars for the six hour taxi ride back to Tiraspol. You will pay now.”

I had turned ALL my available dollars into Leu in Bucharest. It was then I found out the truth. Leu was not worth the paper it was printed on. I had zero money. I had broken serious laws. And now, it was up to these men to decided my fate.

An hour later, after many more questions and accusations, the four men escorted me to a waiting taxi driver. Just one. I was relieved. It was a little before noon, and they gave me a sandwich and soda to take on the trip. Each one shook my hand and dropped the angry Russian attitude just long enough for a Goodbye. The driver was given proper documents to carry his precious cargo to Tiraspol and return to Kiev immediately. With that, we were on our way.

For the first few hours, the driver would occasionally glance at his rear view mirror and me. Self conscious in the beginning, I finally ignored him and took in the countryside. I’d used the restroom before leaving, so, I was in no distress. But, at one point, he pulled over the car on an isolated stretch of road.

I really didn’t want to look outside, in fear of what I might see. It didn’t seem odd when he went to the trunk, opened it, and spent extra time in the back. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but as long as it didn’t involve me, I was okay with that. I was looking forward to seeing the translators and my husband, in that order. I’d have some choice words for Arten. On several occasions, he had almost cost me my life and liberty by suggesting this trip. He would hear about it, along with his superiors. I was ready for what I would need to hear about my ill-timed slumber.

After a good 20 minutes had passed, the driver closed the trunk and returned to the car. We were off. Just before sunset, a very tired girl was delivered back to a run down and ratty hotel, The Druz-bah. Two very excited interpreters came running out to the taxi. They held money for the driver and helped retrieve my belongings from the trunk. With heartfelt and sincere Goodbye’s, he was off in a cloud of dust and I was left in the arms of two true friends that had been worried sick ever since the men returned without me.

A few minutes later, there was my new-ish husband. Things really hadn’t been good for us that very long summer. It was just nice to see another familiar face. The four of us retreated to our hotel room with my suitcase and back pack. Shopping on our vacation had been fun, and I brought special souvenirs for the interpreters.

Opening my bags, the obvious was staring me in the face. One last slap from the worst three days I could’ve ever experienced. I. Had. Been. Robbed.

Thinking back to the taxi ride, I flashed again to the stop on the road. The extended play time in the trunk. The quiet demeanor of the thief. He had been thorough. Cameos from Italy–gone. Amber jewelry –gone. Gold cross and chain –gone. The list was as long as it could have been for two newlyweds on an impromptu honeymoon. Sentimental gifts and trinkets that together didn’t amount to very much to anyone except us.

Immediately, the interpreters were asking if we wanted the driver arrested. Needing only to have said the word, our belongings would have been returned. The driver would find his place in the box truck with the others.

“No. I think he needs those things more than we did. I’m safe. Can we leave it at that?”

So ends the tale of my fateful train trip. So many times through the years I have given thanks that it unfolded the way it did with angels at every turn to help me through. Politics and Covid have changed travel and customs forever. The names of the towns I rolled through are all changed, as well. The Orient Express is no longer the name of a portion of a train excursion. Like so many things in life, the best things held dear are the memories of a different time, place, and a very young American woman, living adventure one day at a time.

All Aboard The Orient Express – Part 5

Traveling through communist countryside by train isn’t a trip one should try alone. Actually, traveling anywhere alone can be compromising to one’s health. Two together can tackle most problems, but alone, you are out there in survival mode. This is how I found the situation I was in as I entered the third day aboard the Train to Hell.

Having gotten over the Joni Mitchell romanticism of the sleeping car, I needed a different view. Carefully, I made it towards gen-pop (general population) in coach. The fat ladies were mowing through their baskets of goodies. Yum. 6″ long, dried fish were held like popsicles as they were consumed, HEAD FIRST. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Others were gnawing on stale rolls like the ones I had bought before leaving. Body odor was overwhelming. Large ladies protruded from their aisle seats like rising loaves of bread. Kids laughed. Elders slept.

With only one available seat open near three seedy looking men in zoot-suits, I claimed it. Their eyes all turned to me, as I joined them.

“Eh-Lo, Miss-ee!” said Mr. Brave One. When they smiled, it was obvious. Three Russians. Their dental work gave it away, with gold grills, all three. Between the body odor and smell of alcohol and cigarettes, I wished there had been a seat anywhere else.

“Where you going to?” inquired Mr. B.O.

“Tiraspol, Moldavia.”

Confusing looks shot back at me from the trio.

“Where you from?”

“America.”

A raucous conversation followed, intensified as one produced a hidden flask of hooch, quickly passed from mouth to mouth. Shoving the booze my way, I declined. I understood nothing, except that these guys presented a clear and present danger with which I wanted nothing to do. I kept scanning the train for an open seat, but there were none.

Their interest in me quieted down as they became more drunk and bored. Soon, quietly talking between themselves, I relaxed a little, becoming fixated on the countryside. We were traveling through a barren landscape, browned by the shortening days of late October, and the night time temperatures well below freezing. The stark, empty visuals were interrupted only by a parallel train track 300 yards away.

In the distance, a chilling sight was coming into view. Something devastatingly large and black. I couldn’t quite identify it, until I could. On the other track lay train cars derailed, twisted, and burned almost beyond recognition. Obviously a passenger train, because each car had characteristic large-gauge chains and padlocks on the outer doors, locking the passengers in and intruders out. The train I was riding in had the same, eliminating the ability to walk between cars. I flashed back to my own sleeping car, with a window that opened only two inches. Claustrophia made my skin crawl. The wreckage held people once upon a time. Fat women with their baskets and men in their worn out zoot suits. Elders. Children. Russians. Multiple cars, maybe upwards of 10 lay in a maze of charred metal and broken glass. It had been one hell of a fire.

Wide-eyed, I gasped.

“What? Something wrong with you?” Mr. B.O. asked with a smirk.

I pointed to the train. Multiple cars were still visible, with no life anywhere to be seen. Not a current disaster, it appeared the accident had cooled from the terrific fire that must have ensued after the crash.

“People dead?” quietly, I asked.

“People? Dead???? No. No. Cattle cars,” laughing, he spoke quickly to the others and they all laughed loudly.

Liar.

First, cattle production isn’t a major industry in Russia. No production feedlots full of fat and sassy steers. No steaks. No long meat counters at the grocery store. Not much excess meat of any kind. When old cows die, they are cut up and sold for dinner. The sad truth of my summer experiences in Tiraspol.

I’m a farm girl. The bone marrow tells the tale of bovine health. Healthy cows gave milk. Sick or dead ones provided meat. Period. People stood for hours to buy maggot laden, unrefrigerated beef hanging off rusted meat hooks when such a luxury becomes available. I’ve stood in those lines to buy just such a product, sometimes hours. Protein deprivation and starvation make people do desperate things.

Sickened, a seat opened up far away from this triangle of disgusting men. I moved.

Just like the poppy fields in the Wizard of Oz, I was suddenly overcome by the need to sleep. “Sleep, my pretty. Sleep.” Sleep I did. For how long? I know not. With no one to wake me, I slumbered deeply until the train came to a stop.

Opening my eyes, the nightmare continued, now born from stupidity mine, and mine alone.

Looking around, no passengers remained on the train. Everyone had left. The basket ladies. The three disgusting men. Kids. Elders. Everyone was gone. Vanished. Quickly, I raced to my sleeping compartment and retrieved my belongings. I was the very last person to exit the train as it stood, wheels still steaming from the very long trip.

“KIEV, UKRAINE” the Station Sign read.

No.

No.

No.

I’d arrived in another country. The wrong country. A country kilometers away from any form of safety and comfort I had traveled three days to find. I stood at this station knowing I had done a very, very dangerous and stupid thing. I’d slept through the stop in Tiraspol, Moldavia. I was now totally screwed.

To be continued……………..

All Aboard The Orient Express–Part 4

The Main Train Office in Bucharest was a visual delight. Assuming it was build after the war, the architecture and adornments were dazzling. Not a strip mall affair. This building was grand. As I waiting in a velvet-roped que, voices seemed to float to the cavernous ceilings. This was a grand place in which to do business. Each Window in the Main Office of the Bucharest Train Station was protected by an ornate, bronze window gate. The associates stood and worked behind them, although the entire area in which they worked was visible through vertical bars spaced between the gates. These were popular in very old bank buildings in the US. All of this protection seemed overkill for ticketing agents. A huge impression was made when ten of these windows closed at once, each with a metallic clink, manually, perfectly in-sync, and final. Especially when you are the next person in line.

Watching intently, I first thought it was closing time. But, at each window, a second person had appeared. The first associate was picking up every item at their window. Pencils, pens, stapler, staple remover, ink blot stamps, ink, ticket books, and anything else that was set out to be used. When they had collected their belongings, the second shift stepped forward and put out the same exact items. Never had I seen such an insane shift change. It was done in Soviet style. Everyone in lock-step with the next.

Finally, exactly together, all ten widows flew back open and I went to Window #13, although there were in fact, only 10 windows. In a broken regime, many times there are no answers.

Luckily, my ticket agent did speak a little English and knew, very well, Moldavia and the town of Tiraspol. I would arrive at 11:00 AM the following day. Again, the train would carry no food or drink. It would leave at Midnight, so, arrive at the station 15 minutes before departure. I would not be able to board before that time.

As she was telling me this, my mind went back to the dark recesses of the real station, deserted, except for one very determined stalker, waiting for my return. My stomach growled, bringing me back to the present. Paying my Leu, I still had plenty for a wonderful lunch at a little café next to the train station. I was going to start the meal with chocolate ice cream and go backwards from there. 5,500 leu in my pocket would insure that I’d eat like a queen. I knew the ticket would be expensive, and there HAD been the crazy taxi ride, but, I’d never spent 2500 of anything so quickly in my life.

With ticket in hand, I went outside to find the taxi que. But wait. More great news. There was NO taxi que. No sign of taxis. This quiet street was not anywhere downtown. There was no bustle or hustle. No bus lines. Nothing. Just a quiet empty street. I. Was. Lost.

It was then I started crying. Not a little cry. Not a loud cry. A desperate cry from a broken woman who bit off more than she could chew. Lost in a country in which she didn’t speak the language. Lost in a relationship that really wasn’t right or true. Dumped in a strange land by two men that should have been a little more interested in her wellbeing and safety. There, by the side of that street, exhausted and broken, I crumpled to the ground and wept. For how long, I really couldn’t tell you.

After a time, with tears not subsiding, a car rounded the corner. A large black car. Shiny. Long. Impressive. A Mercedes emblem proudly adorned the hood. Tinted windows hid the occupants. The only visible person was a driver in a tuxedo staring straight ahead. It was then the back door opened.

Out stepped a gentleman of means. That was obvious. From where he came, I know not.

“It seems you have troubles, my dear. Can I be of help?” Perfectly accented English peeked by total attention. Handsome and fit, his 6′ frame was perfectly proportioned. He stood as a man of wealth and status, would. Proudly.

I must have looked like a mere child sitting on the street crying.

Through my tears, I told him my story. He listened intently and asked if I would like a ride. He was going right near the station and would be happy to be of help. After assessing his custom made suit made from the richest cloth, the leather wingtips shining without a speck of dust, and his manicured hand reaching out to me, I made a decision that could have been lethal. Somehow, this angel man had been sent to save my sorry self. I took his hand and he helped me into his car.

Just like that, an suit-n-tie angel drove me back to safety. No groping. No unwanted attention. Just a safe ride back to the station during which he wished me well. On the drive back to the station, he offered me a drink of ice water with lemon from a crystal decanter along side two tumblers resting upon a sterling tray. Offering me his handkerchief to dry my eyes and knowing how scared I was, he remained gentlemanly the entire way to the train station. On the return trip, I realized how long and hard I fought off Mr. BackSeater. I shuddered and hoped we really WERE going back to the train station. Then, just like that, the car stopped at the entrance. With the sincerest of Thank-You’s, he opened the door and I was free. I forgot to even ask his name.

As the black chariot rode off, I found the bistro I’d passed earlier. There it was, with a faded photo of a bowl of chocolate ice cream right in the window. Serving lunch, I planned to be there for awhile, finally getting to enjoy a meal that I so desperately needed. Looking like the little cafes I had enjoyed in Venice, I settled into a chair and looked at the menu right in front of me.

The waitress appeared and plucked the menu from my hands.

“No. Closed.”

Was she kidding? Closed? At 3 PM? When I was starving????? Closed??????

I then looked at the door. Indeed. Closed at 3PM. Not open until tomorrow. With that, the waterworks opened up again. Just sitting a little longer, I put my head on the table and cried. It was then I heard them and looked up.

A group of very large, athletic, and handsome men were standing near the train station. Speaking in Russian, they were pointing at me while giving me looks I would have rather not received. Laughter would erupt periodically from their little gang of five. Four of them were behaving as young men often do. One whistled. One made a whooping call. When I turned the other way, they all laughed. All except one.

Being raised in on a family farm in the middle of no where in a family of five daughters, my knowledge of men was limited. I wasn’t a city girl, street wise and able to tell trouble from boyish silliness. With the added stress of the my ongoing troubles, being the center of attention wasn’t something I wanted. I was definitely the center of the approaching stranger’s attention.

“Hello? It seems you are distressed. May I be of help? I am known as John Lewis.” Although he had a buttery smooth accent, his English was perfect. His kind eyes calmed my fears just a little. Eyes are the windows to the soul, my grandmother always reminded me.

Being mindful of the others as they jeered him on to victory of what ever sort their were planning, I turned to him.

“I’m terrified. I’m hungry. I’m angry. I’m lost. I don’t speak Russian. Can you help with any of that? If so, have a seat. I also have a black belt in karate and will drop any of your friends that continue bothering me. Got it?” His smile was warm and he singled the others to leave. They waved like gentle school boys as they walked away.

John Lewis was perhaps one of the nicest men I will ever meet in my life. From Liberia, and in a foreign exchange program, he spoke perfect English. As I explained everything that had happened up to this point, his kind eyes spoke volumes. He assured me that chocolate ice cream waited right around the corner, along with a healthy meal for a weary traveler. Concerned about the stalker, he assured me that he would not leave until I was safely on the train. And with that, he became yet another guardian angel.

Suffering from extreme racism in Romania, he talked about his group of friends. He was eager to finish his education and move back to Liberia, becoming more able to help his countrymen. We talked and ate and talked and listened until the daylight turned to darkness and it was 11:30 PM. My luggage was waiting, safely in the locker. I had my ticket to Tiraspol, as well as Romanian money in my pocket.

Saying GoodBye to John Lewis was heartfelt. Here in a city that was confusing and complex was one of the nicest men I had ever met in my life. Waiting, while protecting me until I was on the train, I was safe with a gentle bodyguard that spoke fluent Romania and English.

With one swift sentence, the stalker, who had been waiting behind the kyosk, went running into the night, never to be seen again. A full meal, including ice cream filled my stomach and I was ready to enjoy a nice night’s sleep in my sleeping car.

Dreams came and went. In the morning, while crossing Romania and heading for Moldavia, I realized it was time to go mingle with the locals. I was sure there was a good story to be told just outside my cabin door.

To Be Continued……

All Aboard The Orient Express- Part 3

In the very narrow hallway, where two could barely pass without turning shoulders a bit, there stood a no-nonsense policeman. He had a sidearm, along with a look that told me this was no joke. Hungarians didn’t mess around.

“Pass-a-Port-ah, Pleeeezzzze.”

Hmm. A new dilemma. Traveling 101. Your passport is your only lifeline to America. Lose it, you are in very deep trouble. Thanks to Arten, the American Embassy had not idea where this little cupcake was traveling, making this rule all the more essential and valuable. I had the passport inside the sleeve of my nightgown for safe keeping, right above the two security buttons at my wrist. This National ID would not leave my side without a real fight.

I looked blankly into his eyes.

“I don’t understand.”

Agitation flooded this man’s face. He was not the warm and fuzzy kind of guy to be schmoozed by a maiden’s tear falling from the bluest of eyes.

In a louder voice, he boomed, “PASS-A-PORT-AH, PLLLLEEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEEE.”

This wasn’t going well. I slowly unbuttoned the sleeve, revealing my ever-so-clever hiding spot, and produced the passport. Clenching the back half in a vice-grip, I showed him the page with my information. This clearly irritated him more.

“Give.”

“No.”

“GIVE NOW. OR ELSE.”

I’m not sure what overtook the thinking part of my brain, but the passport was magically sucked back into my sleeve. It was not leaving my possession. Period. Not for this crazy cop, or anyone else.

Traveling 101.

#1. Keep passport secure at all cost and at all times.

Done and done. My tear filled eyes would not leak, and I gave him a long steely glare-stare, crossing my arms to punctuate my answer. No.

Mr. Military type must have had a very long night, because he left. Just like that. I quickly locked the three locks and placed my suitcase in front of the door. I had just gotten back on the top bunk when the knocking began again, causing me to unlock my fortress a second time.

There were now TWO very large military types, one holding a bayonet-ed AK-47. Now THERE is a scary gun. Even scarier when pointed at your heart by a military soldier of a communist country. His eyes were void of anything except his focus, which was on making me comply.

“‘Eh-LO. You WILL give the pass-a-port-ah right now.”

Again, I produced the passport, holding it in a way they could see all necessary information, while gripping the back in a death hold.

It mattered not. Because, when two military types want to disarm you, disarm you they will. In a flash my passport was ripped away, and instantaneously my vocal chords were activated. Sounds I never knew I could produce came out of my mouth, as I started screaming, shrill and ear piercing. Frozen at my front door, each cabin swung open, and the occupants all leaned out at once to see the action, reminding me of a bad Lucille Ball movie. It mattered not, as I continued screaming while watching the two armed, regulatory thieves leave the train with my passport. My only documented connection to the USA was now off the train and gone into the night. I continued to scream at the top of my lungs, my vision flooded by tears, and a pounding heart choking my throat. The nightmare continued.

After what seemed like the eternal trip through hell, the two finally came back. By this time, they found me spent and demoralized while hiccupping and hoarse.

“American? American Woman? Why you travel alone?”

Oh, hell, who knows? Spy? Drug dealer? Art heist? Were these guys for real?

“I’m traveling to see my husband in Tiraspol, Moldavia.”

With limited English, these men hardly understood. Mr. Bayonet kept staring, and the talker just looked carefully into my eyes, looking for stray secrets hidden there.

“Madam, the next time officer tells you to give up passport, do so. Immediately.”

Thrusting the precious blue and gold booklet back at my chest, the two made sharp, communist, click-heeled stage lefts, and marched right off the train into the night.

Clutching my passport, yet again, I wished I was enjoying the freedoms of my country. Before living under communist rule, I had no real appreciation for the precious freedoms Americans enjoy every day. Something as simple as having a conversation at a border without fearing the shiny-sharp tip of a bayonet inches from insertion. Do you shoot and stab or stab and shoot? Both actions together? Horribly barbaric and frightening. Definitely not American.

That night held no more sleep for me. With three emotional upsets in under 24 hours, and no food, my stomach was experiencing a combination of hunger pains, dehydration, and adrenaline overload. I still had a full day to travel before I would change trains in Bucharest, Romania. Romania must be better, because Hungary had set the bar pretty low.

One roll and 1/2 an apple helped with the excess stomach acid and soon, I felt a little better. Under a morning sky, we rolled through beautiful fields and quaint little houses plucked right off the pages of history books. There were houses that had rope-and-bucket-ed water wells inside their weathered little picket fences. Ragged horses pulled wooden wagons full of green grass, cut and ready to store for the brutal winter, just around the corner. Everyone walked, because, no one had cars. Nowhere to go if you had one. Hungarian visions I would not soon forget. Straight out of a World War II picture book, frozen in time.

Mile by mile, the scenery had changed by mid afternoon. Rustic farms were being replaced by a more dense city-scape. Finally, we were pulling into the Bucharest train station, and civilization. From a first look, this could be even better than Vienna. My spirits soared. I had a plan.

Needing to lay over until midnight in Bucharest, I’d simply store my suitcase, exchange my $100 of US dollars into Rumanian money, and hit the town. I’d eat first, and then shop. By the time midnight rolled around, I’d be ready for the last leg of my trip. Easy peazy.

Leaving the security of my little room, I again checked my passport safe its secret location. Leave it at that. I had it secured. Struggling to get off the train, the other travelers evaporated and I stood alone in the station. Just my suitcase, backpack, and me. Except for one lone pervert lurking in the dark bowels of the shadowy station.

I didn’t notice him at first as I lugged my suitcase and backpack toward the ticket cage. But within moments, I heard someone following me while whispering in a hissing voice. I was being tailed.

“Hey. Baby.”

No. No. No. This couldn’t be happening. Early afternoon was not a time to deal with a pervert. Where were the communist cops when you needed them the most??? Like when an assault could occur? On a PERVERT? By a very tired American woman?????

Looking over my shoulder, I gave him the look I’d wanted to give the two morons at the Hungarian border. Only more stern.

“Hey. Baby. Whatcha doing?”

Walking faster, the ticket counter seemed further and further away. I couldn’t run, as this was way before the days of rolling suitcases. My 40 pound Samsonite needed carrying, leaving me slightly tilted to one side and a bit out of breath. Along with a 10 pound back pack, I couldn’t make a run for it. Walking fast, he walked faster. I could begin to smell the stench of urine and body odor that was his and his alone. I wondered if he could smell the human fear coming from me.

Finally reaching the ticket agent, I saw him slink behind a kiosk, his ragged and holey shoes giving away his position.

Relieved that the ticket agent spoke English, I proceeded with my request.

“Hi, I need to purchase a ticket from Bucharest to Tiraspol, Moldavia. Can you help me?”

“No.”

What? Could this situation get any worse? A one word answer????? No?????

“You must travel to the main office in the center of Bucharest by taxi. There you can buy an International ticket. We only sell National tickets here.”

This was not in the plans. The Main Office???? In Bucharest???? By Taxi???? Where everyone spoke Russian???? With a stalker on my heels????? How could this be?

“I would advise that you have the correct Romanian change. They do not deal in foreign currency at the Main Office. Thank you. I am closing now.”

With that, the window to an English speaking person closed in my face. Immediately, the stalker reappeared with some added vulgarities thrown in now. His intensions were very clear, as he spoke loudly, coming my way.

Across the way, I saw lockers in which I would stow my suitcase. There was a small bank in which to change my American Dollars into Romanian leu. In 1977, the exchange rate was $1 = 8109 Romanian Leu. Just like that, my dollars, invaluable for bribes, were changed to worthless Leu. Unknowingly, I’d exchanged immense bargaining power for scraps of worthless paper. I was “Jack and the Magic Beans” in girl form.

With over 8,000 Leu in my pocket, while keeping the stalker a few steps behind, I excited the train station and came into the light of early afternoon. Bucharest was beautiful and exciting. Right in front of my face, there was a taxi pick-up with a waiting taxi. Two men were in the taxi. The driver and one in the back seat. The front seat was waiting for me and I hoped in. The driver spoke limited English.

“Main Train Office, please?”

“Train? Train Here. You at Train.”

It would be a very long afternoon.

“No. Big. Main Train Office. Not Here.”

“Ahhhhhhh. Da!!! Da!! Poydem!!” In other words, “Let’s Go”.

Immediately, I realized the error of my ways as Mr. Back-Seat’s arm came over my right shoulder. The man in the back was a groper. As the driver turned around, chatting with Mr. BS, I was in terror. The car was moving at a high rate of speed while the driver’s eyes were on MY chest. Talking loudly and laughing, arms were flying everywhere. Horns were blasting as we careened down narrow streets.

As I struggled to keep wandering hands away from my breast area, I also had to brace for impact as the driver was totally insane. Swerving in and out of traffic, oncoming or otherwise, the chaos of the moment was overwhelming. Round-abouts and red lights meant nothing as we sped through a maze. With near misses of bicyclists and pedestrians, my shrieks and screams were real, as the two men laughed in uproarious fashion. It was another day on the job for them. My hell continued.

Finally, arriving at the Main Train Station in Bucharest, I was spent and angry. I paid the driver and quickly excited the car as the two laughed themselves to tears. Alone on an unknown street in the middle of a foreign town, I made my way into the office building and took my place at the end of in a very long line. I’d made it this far. I’d complete this mission and live to tell the tale. Mid-afternoon was upon us as I crept closer to the front of the line. Finally, at 1:59 PM, it was my turn. Imagine my good fortune. My turn!!! All good, until every single ticket counter slammed shut at exactly 2:00 PM.

To be continued……..

All Aboard The Orient Express-Part 2

Kissing everyone I knew Good Bye from the threshold of the train was a bit eerie. Of course, I had no way of knowing what adventure and darkness would unfold as I started on my way. I had a ticket in my hand and hope in my heart. With a few steep stairs, I was aboard The Orient Express to begin a three day Odyssey.

With a very narrow and steep entrance, negotiating both a large Samsonite suitcase and a heavy back back was difficult. A conductor with his spiffy uniform, straight out of an Agatha Christie novel, helped me to my sleeping car after looking at my ticket. To the right and six doors down, I’d be shut away from the riffraff, alone to watch the countryside go by. In the worst case scenario, I would simply sleep the trip away. I was good at sleeping through difficult situations and this might become one.

Ushered into Sleeping Car 24, I examined every aspect of my tiny little home away from home. To the right, there were two bunks, one atop the other. Both had a nice view out the window which only opened about 2″, from the top down. There were ancient curtains, attached at the top and bottom, which when slid closed, would provide total darkness. To the left, there was a small water closet with a toilet/shower combo inside. Next to that, a sink and utility shelf. Completing the room, in the corner, sat a very comfortable but small leather recliner, also looking out the window. The entire compartment was maybe six feet square, plenty big for one. But there would be one little situation that arose before the train ever left the station.

Unexpectedly, there was a knock on the door. Thinking the conductor may have forgotten something, I cautiously opened it, as someone forcefully pushed towards me, shoving me back, almost to the window. In the doorway, a very tall, dark, hairy man stood, a gleam in his eye and smile on his lips.

“‘Eh-Lo”, he sneered in a very deep voice, as his eye gaze traveled slowly from the top of my pretty little head to the tips of my dainty little toes. Giving me the once over, his smirk intensified.

“Hello?” replying timidly, I realized I had no weapon or way to protect myself.

Without any introductions, he simply lifted his large leather suitcase up onto the top bunk and moved in.

“What are you doing? This is MY sleeping compartment!” came out of my mouth, sharp and decisive. He must remove himself now. The queen of this cabana had spoken. THIS was NOT acceptable. What could this mean? How could this be? This was MY sleeping compartment, paid for by an American Company for ME. Not to be shared with some unknown leering and jeering man of dubious means. Not such a large man that the two of us would have no personal space. Certainly not for three days. No. No. No. Wrong. This was not happening.

“NO. THIS is MINE, too.” With that declaration, a guttural and primal laugh emerged from his porcine lips.

With the moves of a ninja, I was out the door to retrieve that little conductor. This terrifying cabin poacher would be history. My receipt for a single room included No roommate or free-loader. This would be fixed in a flash. Now. As the conductor followed me back to the cabin, I’m quite sure I saw him roll his eyes. But, this communal situation wouldn’t be tolerated. Period.

Opening the door, cigar smoke billowed out of the cabin. Damn. A smoker, too. The worst. The conductor was at a loss as to why the two of us were sold the same cabin, but, it was decided the poacher would move to another. Disgruntled, he removed himself with one last horrible glance my way. I was left to deal with the second hand smoke and lingering body odor he left behind. Locking the door with three latches and my suitcase in front, it took a little while for my pulse to return to a normal rate.

With our cabin debacle taking more time than expected, we left the station 20 minutes later than scheduled. It would be three days until I arrived in Bucharest, Romania. Until then, I’d make the most of my time. I would only nibble on the bread or apples when I got very, very hungry. Until then, I would amuse myself however I could.

I decided to walk the length of the train, after we’d been traveling for about an hour. It would be refreshing to stand on the landings between the cars and smell the fresh country air as we rolled along. Perhaps someone would notice my gaunt cheeks and offer some nourishment from their fat baskets of yumminess. Alas, no one was passing out goodies, and soon, Day 1 was coming to an end. Returning to the safety of my sleeping compartment and climbing aboard the top bunk, (which was always going to be mine), I settled into the night rhythm of the train. Checking and rechecking the locks, I finally made sure one last time that I was secure and floated off to sleep.

Until.

I don’t like watches. If it’s dark, I’m probably thinking about sleeping. If it is getting light, it’s probably time to start waking up. Although I did carry a watch, it wasn’t on my wrist when I suddenly awoke. It WAS certainly very, very dark outside. The movement of the train had stopped, but noisy activity continued outside the train.

Looking through the window, I hardly believed my eyes. A crane had train-sized jaws around the sleeping car that had been attached to the same train while following along on this entire trip. It was lifting the car filled with sleeping people off of the original set of wheels and onto a set new wheels on tracks of a different width, running right along side the ones on which I had previous been traveling. We were entering the Hungarian Soviet Republic. The Hungarians obviously didn’t want to be invaded by rail. The European train wheels wouldn’t work on the Hungarian track. Plain and simple.

Terror struck me as I watched the crane hoist this huge rail car high into the night sky and carry it inches before setting it down again. Luckily, I’d been asleep when mine was moved. A few minutes after I’d opened my eyes to the dark unknown of night activities, there was a seriously determined knock on my door. Unwanted and untimely.

I’d prepared for a trip alone, and packed a matronly nightgown. I wasn’t going to get caught in a frilly negligee if something went amiss. So, in my long sleeved, full flannel nightgown with buttons at the neck and wrists (for added security), I shyly asked who was at my door.

“Who is it?”

“Po-Lee-Cee-ah. Open. Now.”

Blood running cold, I froze. Police? At my door? For being a witch to the guy that tried to steal my room? For walking up and down the train? Why? Why me?????? Why Now?????

“Po-Lee-Cee-ah! Open Door Now, or we will open it for you…..”

With that, I knew I must comply. In the little comfort that my flannel shroud provided, I slowly reached for the first lock, and prayed that this was all some very terrible misunderstanding…….

To Be Continued……

All Aboard The Orient Express- Part 1

A good writer should be able to write a wonderful story about the phone book, if needed. Lately, my life is a little less interesting than the antiquated phone book, while plenty of great stories from my past adventures swirl around in my head. As I am the master of this blog, I’ll to share two of them with you. I assure you, they’re both harrowing and nail biting tales. They both happened to me as a very young bride in 1977 during a time called the Cold War. Very angry and dark times between the USSR and the USA. VST was the husband to another and the father of year old twins. As he tugged bolts in the hot San Joaquin Valley sun, I moved to Moldavia, USSR, for six months to begin my own life as a new bride.

Having lived in a communist country in which government controls every aspect of life, I truly understand what FREEDOM means. The gravity of losing freedom doesn’t become real until you are on a sidewalk with a bayonet in your face because you attempted to jay-walk across an empty street. Empty because no one could own a car. Patrolled and enforced, because you better bein lock-step with everyone in the town. Or. Else.

The summer of 1977. At 21, I looked 15. Hopeful for the future, I had married in March and promptly found myself following my husband to work in the tomato fields of Moldavia for an American company, to remain un-named. This company, along with others, had an agricultural business arrangement with the Russian government. Please remember, this was during the Cold War, when we were all taught to believe that enterprise was not occurring between the two countries. Not exactly the case. because there we were in the middle of the USSR, working for a US company.

In the town of Tiraspol, I was the only American woman to have ever visited, let alone, lived there. My cut off jeans, too short to really cover anything, and bra-less tank tops were the talk of the town. My every move was documented. My every phone conversation taped. Every letter I sent or received was opened before I did, with some of the messages carefully removed by razor blade, if it didn’t meet Soviet standards. My clothing, sent to be laundered, was often stolen, until I decided it was better to wash everything by hand. I lived in a communist fish bowl. Just one little golden fish, swimming ’round and ’round that bowl, day after day, wondering what in the heck I’d signed up for.

Each day was a version of the one before. I was ill-equipped for this experience, not understanding the Moldavian language or the Cyrillic alphabet. Alone for 16 hours a day to figure things out, I made many assumptions, because, there was no one to explain this crazy land in which I found myself. While my new husband had been hired to do a real job at the farm, 45 minutes from town by taxi, I was just a bride. Brought along for amusement. Left in town, all day, every day, for the entire time we were there.

At 21, my options for interesting activities were slim. I could sit down and read a complete novel each day, cover to cover. Which, I often did. I could go to the daily market and buy ingredients for anything I felt like spending all day cooking on my single burner hot plate. I could walk about the town observing, while I was observed more. And I could sleep. Boy could I sleep. Some days, 12 of the 16 daylight hours were spent in dreamland, walking up and down the aisles of my American Safeway. I was starved for protein and calories, along with all the other issues I was dealing with.

After a very long summer of hell, we’d been allowed to leave Moldavia for a one week vacation in Europe. At the end of the week, we’d meet with co-workers in Vienna and drive back to Tiraspol, through a countryside that few Americans would ever see. I was looking forward to the trip, even though it would be with three men, two of which I really didn’t like very much, one of those being my new husband. The juice would be worth the squeeze, and I’d suffer through the manly company just to travel by ground and experience something few Americans ever would.

The morning we were to leave, the four of us met for breakfast in a little Viennese café. The vacation had been one to remember with trinkets and memories of Austria and Italy. By train, taxi, and foot, we had taken in the sights and sounds of Vienna and Venice, with lots of places in between. The four of us now sat quietly, awaiting word from our exalted boss, about the plans for the next part of the journey. I wasn’t really prepared for his proposal.

Arten Max was a short little man who made up for that with bravado and sexual prowess. At least he tried to make up for his deficits. The more he tried, the more disgusting he became. The troublesome part of my relationship with Arten was that he was my new husband’s boss, and therefore controlled every aspect of our lives. Being a brazen womanizer, he often went into great details about the Moldavian women he had conquered during his decade long tenure in the country. Arten disgusted me with his comments on my attire and the need to wear a short dress, stockings, and bra when visiting the far. There were not words low enough for this man, and he earned every badge I’ve given him.

A physical description of Arten, a major player in this story, would help. Arten was a tight little muscular package of sinew. Without a drop of fat on his lean little body, he stood at about 5’6″, therefore, making us eye level. His crystal blue eyes darted this way and that as he would work a room, making sure all eyes were on the American. He had a typical farmers tan, but often took off his shirt to make sure the upper body glowed bronze, as well. Blonde hair and chiseled features led the Russians to believe he was straight off the beaches of Malibu, but then, we all were.

Arten had one major physical flaw that he used to his own benefit. He had suffered a terrible injury when a piece of heavy equipment had fallen on his calf, while he lay under the said equipment beating it with a pipe wrench. After spending days within the horrors of a Soviet hospital, Arten could simply take no more. He walked out, in the midst of a life threatening infection. The resulting leg was no more than a skin covered bone between the ankle and knee. Rather a peg-legged pirate affair. Fitting. He used this for sympathy with his stable. All the girls made over this poor, poor American. They should have remembered that the Diamond Back Rattler comes from the states, as well.

It was under Arten’s demand that we had not registered our position in the country with the American Embassy. Whether or not the embassy knew of our location was not the true point. It was his ability to make us BELIEVE the embassy couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to help us if we needed help. We would simply remain invisible in their eyes. As the weeks rolled by, controlled by communism, I was also smothered by the manipulations of a crazy American that should have been keeping us safe, instead of carrying on affairs with most of the eligible women in the town. At any rate, the next three days would be no different. There would be no American Embassy to which we could escape, providing no umbrella of safety for this little chick-a-dee.

It seemed that during Arten’s miscalculations of travel, in my opinion planned quite to his specifications, there was only room for three men on the return car trip to Tiraspol. A rather large piece of a tractor engine would take up the fourth seat. As I was only along for the ride anyway, with no useful purpose, it would be my seat that would be sacrificed on the journey. I was given an instant choice to make, as time was wasting. In a foreign country, with doubts about every decision I’d made to get me this far, I was faced with a very hard decision. I was given three scenarios for my destiny and told to pick one.

  1. I would travel back to California alone. There was no apartment waiting for me, the new bride. Everything we owned was in storage. So, I would be setting up a solitary existence for an unknown length of time.
  2. I would travel as far as Virginia and stay with my new husband’s extended family. All strangers in a strange land, to me. I would wait there, alone, for an unknown length of time.
  3. I could take an adventure on The Orient Express, next stop Tiraspol, Moldavia. Winding my way through three days of lush countryside, I’d travel in my very own sleeping car. Yes. Sleeping car. Just like Joni’s song, “With the clouds and the star’s to read, dreaming of the pleasure I’m going to have watching your hairline recede, my vain darling.” What an amazing stroke of luck!!!!

Well, for a 21 year old girl, fresh out of college with her BA along with her MRS. degree, the choice was instant. Adventure #3. What an easy call. I would meet up with the men in three days. Three Glorious Days to find answers to questions that were burning holes in my brain. 72 hours to examine decisions that got me to the crossroads in which I found myself. My wild side spoke up and it was decided. The train left at 10 AM. It was 9:30 AM and the station wasn’t far. I needed to pack up, buy my ticket, and move out. I could hear that whistle blowing and almost feel the clickity clack under my feet.

With a flurry of activity, we arrived at the train station with 15 minutes to spare. I’d take my luggage with me, as there was no room in the car. With dollars in my pocket, I’d have enough money for daily meals. I had something to read and plenty to observe. I was ready to roll. Until a very important fact came into play.

While purchasing the ticket, we were informed that THIS version of the Orient Express had no dining car. No mahogany smoking cars with nefarious occupants sheltering devious eyes. No mysterious women with eyelids that shrouded intentions for evil. No men in tilted fedora’s, smoking expensive cigars while tapping their shiny wing-tips. No fine crystal holding finer liquors while being fingered by the finest of thieves. Save all that for a bed-time story.

The real passengers loaded the train. Plenty of zoot-suited men, out-date-ed with nothing but time to do very bad things. Fat women with heavy baskets of sustenance to maintain their womanly curvature. Fat women always cover their dietary needs. They knew already that no food of any kind could be purchased once aboard. Obviously, the most important fact was that this trip would be 72 very hungry hours unless I hustled up something quick.

The small, adorable kiosk, providing food for travelers, sat to one side in the station. Quick as a cricket, I was in front of empty bins. Yes, there had been sandwiches, bags of chips, fruit, and bread. There always was before the departure of the Orient Express. This, the three day trip, was one in which the vendor always sold out. With seven minutes to departure, there was no time to come up with Plan B. Arten hung back, snickering under his pompous mustache. He had been well aware of the train amenities and this wasn’t lost on me, as daggers flew out of my eyes, aimed right at his smug face. I purchased the remaining food from the vendor. Two bruised apples and two dried out rolls. A feast for three days.

With that, I kissed the only person I knew in Vienna “GoodBye”, boarding the Express Train to the hell that would consume me. eroding any confidence I had for the next three days. An American woman should never travel alone on the Orient Express. An American woman should glue her passport to one breast, and an alarm clock to the opposing butt cheek. Doing neither, a ding-dong American girl was about to have the ride of her life. All aboard!!!!

To be continued.

I’ll Have Chicken Parm, With a Side of Mustangs, Please

Life never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think boredom has hit a new, all time low, another spicy adventure awaits. Life is brimming with amazing people all having their own history, but this story is rather unique and specific to my interests. It all began at Papa’s Old Bar and Grill on a chilly high desert Saturday night. After saying a final Goodbye to Miss Firecracker in Papa’s parking lot, just two nights prior, I returned there looking for something different. Something mysterious and haunting, like the legendary ghosts that flow from this place. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but there I was again, expecting some kind of something.

Choosing to eat outside, I took the table covered with the least debris. In the lands of the desert winds, one cannot expect things to remain clean for very long. Even with the most diligent waitresses, dust and debris quickly cover tables and chairs. It appeared it had been quite awhile since the surfaces had been properly cleaned, but being outside made that okay. I was the only customer, and after a full and busy day, I settled down to look at my phone a bit.

It was then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw two HUGE men come outside to enjoy the fresh air. They were rough looking types that were bigger than life. At least 6’5″ and 300+ pounds each, they displayed massive arms of tattooed flesh. The younger of the two had gone a step further and tattooed his head and neck, as well. To say they were intimidating in appearance would be putting it mildly.

“My dad was a Navy Seal…….” was all it took. I had to look and smile, triggering a conversation with the younger of the two. He happened to be the one with the shaved and tattooed skull. As he approached our table, he grew larger and more intimidating, although his eyes said something different. There was a melancholy approachability in the way he looked at me. A gentle giant, although different than most with which I would strike up a conversation on a random Saturday night.

After a brief exchange, he asked if I’d seen the movie, “The Mustang”. He had my complete and undivided attention. In 2016, VST and I hadn’t been in the area that long, when it was announced there would be a movie filmed about the local prison and the Mustang and Inmate program there. Four times a year, there’s a sale at the prison. If you attend, you can’t wear blue jeans, as those are reserved attire for the inmates only. If you bring your horse trailer, you can buy a formally wild mustang, tamed and trained by an inmate. For years, I’ve wanted to go to a sale just to watch, being fascinated that the training occurs in 90 days. Hard to tell who needs gentling more, the horse or the inmate. These trained horses are purchased by all kinds of people, from law enforcement to ranchers. The bidding starts at $150. The proceeds support this valuable program.

Years ago, I’d begged VST. Really begged him to visit the prison on sale day. But, he was never in the mood to go sit in the sun and watch a horse sale. Maybe a little afraid that I might bid and become the owner of a mustang. So, we never went.

I’ve only met one trained mustang on a first name basis. His name was Rico and he was almost 28. It’s all in the eyes with me. Rico had given up his freedom to take a job settling trail horses that were not as sound as he. At 28, he was a stunning version of timeless beauty. As I said, it’s all in the eyes. This man standing before me had the eyes of a mustang. Until you look into those kind of eyes, there are not proper words to explain. Some wild things can be gentled, and some can’t. That goes for people, too.

Back to Papa’s that night, the mountain of a young man standing next to me said, “The movie was written about me. It’s my story. I had a part in the movie, but, the story is mine.”

My first thought was, “Sure it was. Sure you did.” How did he sense the huge interest I had in this project? And that it was on my list of movies to watch? And that I loved the entire thought of inmates settling these horses, while both benefited. How did he know? He could have been the subject of 100 movies. But, he wasn’t. He was the subject of “The Mustang”. The one that held my interest.

Quick as a cricket, he had out his phone and this man in front of me was talking on his phone screen at a Red Carpet interview in Hollywood on opening night. There he was, just as soft spoken and unassuming as he was in my presence. I was speechless as I listened to the interview.

He went on to show me pictures with Bruce Dern and some of the other cast members, while he kept talking about the story. He raised 26 horses while at the prison, each taking 90 days to gentle and finish. Three went to New Zealand, many went to police departments, and others just went to good homes. Polite, quiet, and reserved, the man who told his story had been through bad times and done terrible things. But, somehow, through the experience, life had forged him into someone new. The gift of time and the spirits of those 26 mustangs had taught him a thing or two about inner growth.

He talked of twenty acres he had just purchased in Oregon, just right for his new home. A prideful wild-fire fighter, he had returned to the area to visit friends. Through our conversation, gumption and determination shown through as he talked to me. Not anger. Not bitterness. Just a story told well about a young man that, in a split second, made a very terrible decision. His story.

If you want to watch a really good movie, see “The Mustang”. You’ll get a good visual of the Northwestern Nevada Desert in which I live. You’ll get a feel for the mustangs I’m so lucky to share the land with. You’ll see their magnificent power and their unnerving ability to understand the human condition. It may make you cry, while surely being interesting food for thought.

You just never know what stories people have to tell. With a quick Hello, someone can touch your life with quiet words and a well told tale. Every cover doesn’t tell the true story of the book waiting inside. I’m glad this was a safe and sane guy I was lucky enough to meet. I wish him all the best in his search for his own quiet paradise in Oregon.

The Simplest Things Mean The Most

A while back I was talking with a widower about the loss of his wife. He and I shared things that we missed after suffering the loss of our spouses. Our answers were exactly the same as we went through the long list. The things not mentioned were materialistic things. Those that came up time and time again were simple in nature. Things money could never buy or replace.

Shared memories during a lifetime with a spouse is a loss that hits when you least expect it. You can be having a great day and run across a funny picture taken while sailing in the middle of Monterey Bay. The photographer, now in angel form, isn’t there to set you straight on what time of day the picture was taken, or how many times kisses occurred on the way to snapping that picture. The moment is stolen out of a complete story that no one else can tell now, except me. Sadly, it’s out of a story no one else wants to hear, frozen in a screen shot.

Since his death, I’ve been spared from the split second desire to go tell VST things. I hear many people talk about that experience and I’m so glad it never happened to me. Quite often, I DO talk to VST, explaining how life is going, and how happiness has come to roost over Winterpast. Like cumulous clouds on a spring afternoon, fun activities are now coming my way. Lunch and shopping trips to the mall with girlfriends eager to find out all my news. A comforting church visit. Time spent with a new friend. A garden in full bloom after a long winter’s rest. VST always has time to listen. I know he’s cheering me on in heaven. That’s just what best friends do.

In our retirement years, VST and I became excellent workmates as we restored two houses, while maintaining a third. For hours each day, we would plan and execute building projects. Windows were re-designed and replaced. Doors were jacked up to square, or re-hung altogether. Trips to the hardware store resulted in beauty through the projects we completed. The lumber section of Lowe’s is a place that I still can’t yet visit. The smell of freshly sawn wood takes me back to the projects within the walls of the DunMovin’ House in Virginia City or our little cabin by the lake. These projects involved discussions of every kind while we worked. Times together spent doing normal things. Simply that.

Some of the most special things I miss are basic in nature, but more valuable than a gold mine. Belly laughs. Heartfelt tears. Home cooked meals. Trips to the beach. Hugs. Smiles. Early morning coffee and Channel 2 News. The littlest of things that disappeared. Some days, the absence of these things is deafening. How blessed I am to have great family and friends to check on me while sending funny messages my way once in awhile.

On May 20, a very special milestone will occur, making me wish VST was here to cheer with me. Our oldest grandson is graduating from college. VST spent years in college, finally earning a Doctorate in Organizational Psychology. One of his proudest days ever. This accomplishment inspired many around him to continue their educations, including his children and grandchildren. I wish, for a moment, we could sit together and watch our first grandchild reach this special goal. I’ll just need to celebrate for the both of us, knowing that in heaven, VST has a way to know everything while applauding all our successes.

I’ve started planning my summer of new special moments. If I don’t create these, no one else will. I call this Summer Camp for Joy. It includes a little bowling, some boating on Lake Tahoe, time in the Sierra Nevada’s, and trips to favorite spots as I take mini-road trips. Some will include new friends, while some will simply be time I spend getting to know myself better. Special moments spent forging a new path are never wasted. Solitude can lead to epiphanies while we create our best life.

As the months role by, solitary holes in my routine aren’t so obvious. Replaced by new activities, comforting memories bring smiles and stories to share with those interested. There will always be special treasured moments that hold a place dear in our hearts. Now is the time to fill our lives with new adventures and love! Life is precious!

You “Auto” Check The Oil, And Other Helpful Tips

The 101st thing on my long list of “Do Not Forget”-s involves automobile care. I must admit, I fall short in this category. To begin with, the rules keep changing. Long ago, the distance between oil changes was around 3,500 miles. I remember this, but never needed to open the hood. During those early days, my dad took care of every car need, even keeping my windshield sparkling clean. As any young coed in my neighborhood, we all knew how to drive hard and fast, but car care was a little beneath our little patent leathers. Now, with certain oils, it is 7,500 miles between oil changes. We all need to keep up with the specifics of our individual rides.

In my teen years, I did learn that there is oil in a car and knew it needed to be changed regularly. I knew the tires needed air in them. Beyond that, car stuff was never something I studied or cared about. Shame on me, because through my life, someone else has always worried about that stuff for me. Blessed with helpful angels in this area I’ve been. But, a self sufficient desert gal needs to know her automotive needs to be sure things run smoothly.

Speaking about oil filters and oil, one should be familar with the owner’s manual, if you have one. Yours might be online. Under specifications, there is a section on lubricants and the types needed for your vehicle. The needs of your car can depend on the climate in your area. The oil needed in the Central Valley of California might be different that that needed in the dead of winter in Viriginia City, Nevada. It’s important that you don’t scrimp on the quality lubricants, or you might pay a high price later. As your car ages, request the best oils you can buy. In my case, the truck takes synthetic oil. It’s all new information which I am noting as I jot down the mileage at which the service is done.

Be aware that many quick-y oil change businesses may use very cheap oils and filters. Damage may result to your car if the drain plug is not put back on correctly, or worse, stripped. The old saying, “You Get What You Pay For” applies to auto maintenance shops. Be sure that you find a reputable mechanic you can trust. Worth their weight in gold.

If your automotive specialist has your car in the shop, request a tire and brake inspection. Tires should be rotated every 5,000 miles. Don’t forget an occasional alignment. By caring for the tires, you can get extra miles out of a very expensive purchase. Be sure to inquire about the proper amount of air the tire holds and keep them properly inflated. Remember that they need to be checked once in awhile, especially when the temperatures change with the season.

If you live in a rainy area, don’t forget to replace your wipers when they start wear out. New wipers are pricey these days, so shop around. Automotive supply stores carry them and can help you find the right lengths for your vehicle.

Check out your air filter and see if you need to replace it. In the high desert and constant winds, air filters are replaced more frequently than in coastal areas that don’t have much dust. Keep an eye on them. Don’t forget to find out if your car has a cabin filter. They can be overlooked, causing damage.

Chips in your windshield? If you have glass insurance with your automobile policy, they are often repaired for free. If you need a new windshield, try your best to get a brand name replacement rather than a cheap imitation. Today’s windshields often have integrated systems within them. Be sure that you inquire as to the type of windshield that will be replacing your original. My Jeep is due for a new one, having been damaged in a sand storm and badly pitted. On my every expanding “To Do” list.

So, check that car twice. You can never be too careful. The Jeep is running well now, with all recall parts installed the correct way, fluids changed, filters new and shiny, and new tires in alignment. Time to find some great, public BLM roads (the real one, meaning Bureau of Land Management) to travel down. With my Jeep being “Trail-Rated” the spring is just the time to try out some 4-wheel’in.

Don’t forget the wash and wax!! The weather is fine. Get the hose and get busy!!!!

A Blog A Day Keeps The Blues Away

Good Morning! My day always begins with coffee, a mini journal entry, and an hour spent blogging at the computer. When I look back at the growing number of posts, it makes my heart smile. I am a REAL writer. Plain and simple.

The journey to 300 reads a day has been a slow one requiring patience. In the beginning, I was happy if I had one reader. Now, reaching for 400 reads a day, I find new purpose in my writing. Embracing my humble beginnings, I celebrate my slow and steady growth.

I’m not a psychologist, although I was married to one. I’m not a philosopher or a counselor. I have no hidden agenda, other than the desire to have a book for sale later this year. That personal quest hasn’t been hidden from anyone. I learned my grammar, punctuation, and literary rules in the mid-1900’s and everyone knows those parameters change over the years. I choose to use the rules I grew up with, including proper pronouns of the day.

I’m just a widow who lost her husband in the year of Covid. Not BECAUSE of Covid, but under the cloaked quarantine of Covid. It seems deaths from any other disease didn’t occur in the last 13 months. 2020 Widows and Widowers know differently. VST was just one of such deaths. Cancer continues to take our loved ones every day. My loss is no more or less significant than anyone else’s. Writing helped me to heal. It seemed to help some others along the way, too.

I write in three places. All day long, making short entries in my personal journal, it’s a safe place for me to write about anything and everything. Ranting and Raving in long hand, somedays may be a little sloppy. The key is, every day there is something. I started recording my readership numbers while tracking the daily changes. This is a nice place to reflect on blog growth, even if it’s slower than I might like.

Poetry is recorded in a separate place, being a poet from a very young age. Many very old pieces speak beautifully to a young teenage (ME) who lost her first love to an unexpected heart attack, a 25 year old mom with two babies she adored, or the battered and broken divorcee, picking up the pieces and moving on. My heart written on “real time” pages, splattered with a touch of coffee or tears. The third place is, of course, here.

When I started writing the blog, self discovery was essential. First, I needed to find my time of peak creativity. In my perfect world, that is 3 AM, but, even I can’t get myself out of my warm, comfy bed at that time of day. By 5 AM, I’m up and carrying out a few necessary tasks before I get to the keyboard with a cup of coffee. By 7 AM, I’m done and on with my life here at Winterpast. In the beginning, it was every single day, without fail. Now, I try to write a few posts ahead, just in case I might choose not to rise at 5 AM to create something new. My point here is this. Find YOUR time of peak creativity, and write something EVERY day. Even if it’s just a few words. Try different settings and times to find those that enhance your creative spirit, and then, sit down and write.

I’ve often wondered if my posting time mattered. Then I missed a couple of days and found out. People who read daily wonder where the heck I am if I miss a day. Writing is a wonderful habit I’ve embraced. Like deep breathing, it brings peace and perspective into my life. It releases tears when they need to flow, and empties abscesses that have formed in unhealed pockets of bitterness. It reminds me that the present is the life I’ve created, walking the path of my past. I can fight this truth, or accept it wholeheartedly and find great things to love about it. Writing paints a current, literary picture of me, displaying the person I’m becoming.

Finding Bluehost and Word Press was my first step. Finding a template I liked was the second. After working for an afternoon, the new template-ized screen was staring back at me with the words “Add Post”. I began at “The Beginning”. The programs I use are like a maze. It’s necessary to look at the free options you have at your fingertips and start learning about them. There’s no reason to spend money if you know how to look up information on Google and YouTube. If you choose to spend a little, the options become more wonderful.

When starting, I didn’t know what an IP address was. Internet Protocol Address. That’s an ID number that is registered every time someone reads my blog. Some readers hide their identity, and their address is in code. But, many people don’t. These numbers are just a that. A string of numbers, representing a town in a region in a country in the world. I started to look them up and record their locations. It’s most fun to realize someone in Sri Lanka read what I had to say. Or someone in Brazil. My mind questions whether they were on the beach when they read, or maybe in a town under the beautiful statue of Jesus. I review the numbers every day, and now, my consistent reader’s numbers are like reading their names. I look to make sure Y’all are up and okay, just like you check in on my blog. No worries, I can’t see names. Just numbers representing towns.

Getting my blog routine established was the most important part of the experience for me. It provided a purposeful reason to get out of bed. Now, I think of the next step. When will it be enough that I can introduce myself to others by saying, “Hi there, I write for a living. I’m a REAL writer”? On which hill will I plant my own flag stating “I HAVE ARRIVED.”? Not being sure, I do know one thing. I’m not where I want to be yet.

Information on Google and the Internet are plentiful. Your blog should reflect you. If you are lucky enough to throw money at your project, you can design your own template with personal pictures and individualized fonts. For me, it’s about having a cheap place to practice my craft every day. So, this works.

If you have more questions, you can always email me. I love hearing from fans. It’s time for breakfast and the beginning of another beautiful spring day! Happy Writing!

Mother’s Day Happiness to All Y’all Mom Types

Mother’s Day! What a sweet time to remember our Mom’s, Grandmother’s, Great-Grandmothers, God-Mothers, Aunts, Mother-In-Law’s, or any other women significant in our lives. A beautiful day to let those women know they are cherished and loved, while reflecting on those that have gone before us. A day of love.

On this special day, I am so blessed to have my God Mother, TJ in my life. In the big scheme of things, my parents got it right when they chose HER to watch over ME, because WE are two peas in a pod. Both being Sagittarians, we clicked from the get go. TJ had the most fun house. She was the most fun visitor to OUR house. The day cheered up immensely when she would drop by for coffee and a chat with my parents.

TJ is a free spirit. She is extremely intelligent, intuitive, and wise. She is outrageously funny with her wit and humor. She is loving and caring, being the best mom ever to my sweet Cousin, the Law Lass. TJ always has the best advice, which is usually given after hesitation because she doesn’t want to influence others with her opinions.

We have covered every subject known to man over hours of conversation during Coastal Capers. These were bi-annual visits in which pajamas were the required clothing. Over chocolate, (only milk chocolate please), and snacks we would discuss the insane politics of the day, or just plain gossip about nothing in particular. The subjects just needed to include lots of laughter. Which they always did. It was on one of these such visits we decided a new rule for heaven. No Bras. Followed by more uproarious laughter.

Since VST died, I have missed our monthly visits with TJ. Over the years, they changed from “Girls Only — No Boys Allowed”, to including VST. He adored TJ and our time with her. For a long while, we made monthly RV trips to the coast to visit, and those memories are beautiful. The last year has been one in which I am honing my driving skills to make it back there. At 7 or 8 hours, the drive is not for the faint of heart, winding through some of the most horrific traffic in the country, after making it over Donner Pass. I need not remind you that just the name Donner Pass conjures visions not pleasant. Crossing the Sierra Nevada’s takes skill and fortitude, both of which I am working on.

TJ has been there for every important moment in my life. She was always awake and involved in my life, celebrating milestones and supporting me through heartaches. She has been my rock through everything.

I hope today, she has a day filled with beauty and rest! Practice some laziness, TJ!!!!

As for me, I will be celebrating my own memorable motherhood of 5 wonderful kiddos. Through the years, they have brought me happiness on a silver platter. They are the bubbles to the champagne of my life, for sure. Sharing kids with VST made our life rich and balanced, and for the gifts of his children, I am eternally grateful, as he was for the gifts of mine.

With five beautiful professionals making their contributions in life, my pride overflows. Our legacy continues with 13 grandchildren, beautiful and strong, although becoming grown-up way too soon.

Enjoy your Mother’s Day!!!!! To those women that support me with your daily reads, I am so grateful. I wish a wonderful day for all.

Pages Unwritten In A Life Brand-New

Dear Miss Firecracker,

Today is the first day in a brand new chapter of life for you. It is just a little more than a year ago that I came to this dusty little spot in the road on your advice. For that, I will be eternally grateful, because, our little town is a gem. There is nothing more I could have asked for in my nest of healing. Perfect climate, great neighbors, playful winds, and happiness. Just far away enough from hectic city life, but just close enough to services needed.

I do have a little advice as you start on your way. Carry snacks and water. Stop along the way to rest, if necessary. Watch for pot holes and bouncing tractor/trailers that drive way too fast or way too slow. Be safe on your journey west over Donner Pass to the lowlands on the other side of here.

I will keep your presence with me as I dine alone at the Tee Pee Bar and Grill. We did a lot of healing as we shared our meals. Yes, I will continue to order the “Little Mo” with no sauce, cooked well done with sweet potato fries. I should just say, “The Usual” by now.

“Really??? Grocery Store” will continue to be my food supply source now, as I curse the day it stopped being “So Much Better Grocery Store”. Anything would have been better. The only thing that makes it doable is that the next town is 30 minutes away and ice cream can melt in that amount of time. I will think of you in the lap of shopping luxury with convenience and civilization at your finger tips. You and I both know that some days that won’t be enough to cover the loss of the wilds of the desert. But, each day that town will become more and more yours, as you return to city life.

You’ve taught me about so many things. The need for forgiveness, which I will work on. The need for laughter and memories. The humanness of tears in the middle of a sentence. The adoration and love of a mom for her daughter. The devotion of a daughter for her mom. The best kind of friendship that speaks the truth, even when it might not be what one wants to hear.

Thanksgiving and Christmas 2020 will always be the Widow’s Holidays to me. Cooking a turkey dinner for two to share was delightful because my +1 was you. The day perfect in every way. During Christmas, your flight deck observations were spot on, and something that only you could have put perfectly into difficult but truthful words. How glad I am that you said what you did when you did.

You were the one friend I could call when I really couldn’t drive to Walgreens myself. Tripping over the dog bed is something I’ll try to avoid in the future, as you will be just a little far to come to my rescue.

When I wear the beautiful fur next winter, I will think of all the parties it went to with you. The suede coat will remind me of the desert girl that I got to know so well over the years. The one with the sparkly blue eyes and the spunky stories. The one that could bring me to tears with laughter, but also with memories of the guys we love so much.

As promised, I’ll share periodic meals with Baily’s and Cream. I’ll make sure that no one messes with him, Just Because. Through to the wind, I feel him watching over me, too. I’m so blessed to have made memories with both of you through our years together. I’ll keep him company with occasional visits.

If I go before you, which could happen, I’ll be right there with the guys to greet you. If you go first, please keep an ear out when it’s my turn. Because, heaven wouldn’t quite be heaven without you close. Until then, give me an earthly call once in awhile to fill me in on your antics. Ace and I will have lots of stories to share whenever you call.

Your bags are packed. There’s gas in your car. Get out of here, city girl. You have new adventures to write. Don’t forget about this country girl that will be missing you. I’ll come around when I wash the soil off my hands and comb the sage brush out of my hair. I’ll think of you on the crystal clear desert nights and send love and happiness your way, always. Confucious says, “It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.” So get going, girlfriend.

Goodbye’s are never easy. So, let’s just say, “Until….”. You never know when there’ll be a knock on your door.

I love you, Miss Firecracker,

Joy

Ramblin’Round A Gamblin’ Town

Gamblin and Ramblin” are the main industries in my town. Being a truck stop on the road before the main tourist town, many odd places happen to offer One-Arm-Bandits. Slot machines are in grocery and liquor stores. Gas stations and Casinos. Everywhere you go, there are gaming machines. In the olden days, the machines had big gleaming handles to pull. Now, you can sit quietly and push the play button over and over. The ramblin’ part is helped by the fact that the gas prices in my county are .50 cents cheaper than the county 30 miles up the road. Slot machines once worked with one coin. Now, a penny machine can cost you 60 a pull, or more. No longer can you struggle with the heaviness of your nickel cup as you cash out. Everything is computerized an on redeemable script. Just a simple piece of paper shows your winnings. Find the change machine and cash out. Easy-peasy. I miss those big cups of nickles, ripe for a disastrous spill, an the look of envious gamblers as you made your way to the cage to exchange them for paper. $20 of nickles gives the impression of great luck. The other day, I went to have breakfast at the Pony Express Watering Hole. The food at casinos can be hit or miss, but this place is known for good eats. Even outside in the parking lot, music blares. Mostly 70’s and 80’s hits. It’s odd to think that music of my generation is now what I would refer to as elevator music. I wouldn’t want to live in neighborhoods near this place, with music drowning out the roar of the wind or tweets from the birds. The sign out front was blinking the word Bingo. The number of cars in the parking lot suggested that the locals were tired of sitting inside, cowering from evils of the lurking virus. Entering the casino, patrons were everywhere, enjoying the slots. A woman’s voice could be heard on the overhead speaker announcing letters and numbers. Not sure where actual Bingo was being played, we headed for the restaurant to get a late lunch. My thoughts on Gambling and Casinos are very simple. I would love to win hundreds of dollars with a single pull. Who wouldn’t? But, the chances of me doing that are slim to none. I have rules when I enter these places. I go there to enjoy a meal. I’ll play $5. If I win, then I can play a little longer. But, never more than $5. So many people get in way over their heads, having their lives turned upside down for just one more try. Relationships are lost over trips to the Casino. Gambling can become a life wrecking addition. I don’t understand hours wasted in a smoky, smelly establishment when I could be practicing laziness in the hot tub. The Casinos are wasting all the flashing bill boards on me. Now, Bingo? That might be a horse of a different color. Bingo takes me back to 3rd grade and fun days in which I could play Bingo with my class as a reward for good behavior or successful testing. The kids intently watched their cards as I called out letter and number, one after the other. Prizes came from the dollar store, with delighted winners getting to choose the one they wanted. There was never a dull moment during our Bingo games. There were also skills practiced. Patience. Attention to directions. Good Sportsmanship. Just plain fun. Those were the days when kids couldn’t wait to get to school. Teachers felt the same way. A team focused on learning, respect, and friendship that couldn’t be beat. Variations of Bingo can also be very fun. One of the most hilarious and outrageous games played by senior citizen friends was Body Part Bingo. The caller needed to use as many body parts as possible while calling the game. So hilarious when Knee was used for N. The “B” words could be a little racy. Laughter is so good for the soul. Anyone who takes themselves too serious to play Bingo should re-evaluate life just a little. Fueling my Ramblin’s will always pay off in exact amounts. Put in $3.29 a gallon and walk away with a full tank of gas every time. No gamblin’ skills needed there. Just a good attitude as the prices at the pump skyrocket. Last summer, $2.00 a gallon gas was the norm in my little town. It’s now $3.80 in the county next door. Living remotely has benefits. As my new life blooms with possibilities, you might find me sitting intently with a Bingo card, collecting great stories for a future blog post. Bingo and slots are always something I can do to fill my time. As my desert days roll by, I just might try my luck. Who knows? Maybe it’s improved. I won’t know unless I play.

Not All Dogs and Their Jobs are Created Equally

Canine conservator-ship is a complicated task in this the year of 2021. At my house, I’ve been wondering when this little Tasmanian devil will calm down and be a reasonable pet. I guess others have been wondering that, too. Everyone needs to understand the job that Oliver has been trained to do. So many tasks he does so well, but, meeting others is not his strong suit. He is not happy with those that intrude on his solitary little life.

Oliver is a standard, chocolate, cream based, tan piebald wire-haired dachshund. No. He isn’t a 12 pound red or black and tan smooth doxie that everyone sees. Oliver weighs 25 pounds. He is as strong as a lab with short legs. He’s as stubborn as they come. Fierce and crazy at times. He’s not been an easy dog to raise. Trust me. We have been together 2 1/2 years. Of all the dogs I have raised, included my English mastiffs, Oliver has been the toughest of all. He is extremely smart, and the off-putting green human-ish eyes don’t help.

Most days, Oliver is just as cute as they come. Just like the puppy picture of him at 8 weeks. He wakes and wants potty time and breakfast within a short window of time. Don’t we all? He expects two treats. Not one or three. He has a hard time being still while I get those and can jump higher than the kitchen counter to check out what could possibly take so long. Ace suggested that Oliver needs to learn the word “Sit”, or otherwise be considered untrained. I think differently on that. However, Oliver is learning “Sit”, slowly, as hard as it is for him.

Oliver knows at least 100 words or phrases. He is constantly watching and listening to things I ask him to do. In the morning, after breakfast, he knows we work for at least an hour at the computer. Not wanting to face boredom, he brings a bone with him and leads the way to the studio, where he chews for awhile and then sleeps. He is my writing muse in doggie form, laying at my feet while I type word after word. The minute I reach for the power button when finished, he knows our work is done for the morning. With that, he is ready for a puppy time out in his crate while I make my own breakfast and get ready for my day.

Oliver knows me. He knows what things will get under my skin and periodically likes to mess with me. He knows when I am sad or not feeling well. He also knows when I am ready to leave on a short or long trip, or when company is coming. He knows our routine. He knows when I need a good laugh, or when I need a little irritation to get my blood pressure up.

Thievery is in his blood. He steals socks. Papers. Glasses. Shoes. Slippers. Anything on the floor. Dropped coins. Pens. Pencils. Well, you get the idea. He sits and waits for the opportune time and then, he strikes. Like the wind, he is gone, laughing his little doggy laugh as he chews and runs at the same time. Devious little thief.

In our living situation, there hasn’t been a need for the words “down”, “sit”, “stay”, or “come”, because there are other words he knows for these actions. “Bed”, “Wait”, and “Gentle” are some he’s really good with. He is a silly, silly little boy dog who has a very independent and strong will. Funny, a reflection of me in numerous ways.

The thing that doesn’t get better with time is the hatred of the doorbell, or misunderstanding of his place when company is involved. I don’t have people coming over on a daily basis. When they do come, it is sheer puppy-pandemonium. As a tiny puppy, he didn’t like strangers one bit. He would hide in the corner and often soil himself, becoming so scared. Being so adorable, everyone wants to swoop down on him, instead of just ignoring him until he can give a sniff and calm down. So, it’s a mixture of problems all rolled into one.

Oliver loves to travel. He loves RV-ing. He loves his people and he does like being good. He is just devious when others are around. Like a two year old.

Many people disagree with crate training. However, consider the following. Would you allow your two year old to run around the house when they didn’t have your full attention? Or in the case of the leash, would you allow the child to run into the street on a whim? Perhaps some puppy parents are relaxed about those things, I’m not. Oliver eats everything that is not nailed down. There are plenty of dangerous things in the house that would land us in the Vet Emergency Room. Crates and leashes are important when you have a dog that hasn’t fully matured mentally. In Oliver’s case, he may never mature fully. Lucky me.

We’ve been spending quality time outside, and I do notice subtle changes. He likes to settle next to me when I am pulling weeds or fixing an emitter. He likes to see me when I’m in the hot tub, just to be sure I’m okay. He likes to sleep next to me when I write, and spends less and less time chewing on the bones he loves so much. He really likes watching everything I do, and I swear, if he only had thumbs, he would do most better than me.

Oliver may never get used to intruders. Come to think of it, I’m happy with my own quarantine status. He may never understand strange words that others insist all dogs should know. He knows how to communicate with me, and that works in our little world. He speaks the same language as T & K, the ladies at Doggy Camp, and Sam, his beloved groomer. Adding in Ace, his little world of people is complete. For Oliver, that’s the amount of people he can handle.

Do I worry about his antics? Every day. Do I try new training techniques??? Multiple times a day. Are things getting better???? Ever so slowly they are, but, with Oliver, he’ll follow his own path, and allow me to come along for the ride. In this situation, it’s not possible to dominate this huge little dog, and besides, his antics keep me on my toes.

Every dog has special jobs to do. Some have jobs that don’t involve being a friend to everyone in the world or walking perfectly on a leash. Some have jobs that involve more words than “sit” or “stay”. Some have jobs that involve thinking on many levels, while problem solving. Whatever their job entails, God got it right when he gave us our best friends. Be gentle with their owners. We’re all doing the best we can.

Hydrotherapy and the Art of Laziness

What a lovely thing, the Hot Tub. Or Jacuzzi. Or Whirl Pool. What the name you choose, my big vat of steamy water in the back yard under the desert sky. The perfect place for laziness training. In the last week, I’ve spent hours there, observing the clouds, winds, blooming yard, and life. I can think of no better way to develop a true passion for laziness than the Hot Tub. Delicious in every way.

Purchased in December at a convention center show, my hot tub came 1/2 way across the country from Minnesota to me. There was high drama about the lack of a top, which finally arrived weeks later. There was talk of how hot is too hot. There was the immediate spike to my power bill. And then, there was unlimited soaking time. Trying the tub out at different times of the day gave me perspective on the yard shadows and how they change. I know the feeding times of the different birds. Oliver forgets I am outside watching, earning timely corrections when he decides to forget the rules.

With two waterfalls, and lights that change from red to purple to blue to green and so on, this Hot Tub is one to behold. There has been a learning curve as to which types of chlorine are the best, and what additives help with the hard desert water. After trial and error, the water is now consistently clear. A temperature of 102 seems to be the best for my age.

I was lucky enough to get my first spa in 1979. It was used, being one that needed to be placed in the ground. Such an early prototype, it had limited jets which were either on or off. We had no cover, but used it so often, that really didn’t matter. I received an unwanted grope by the husband of a close friend in that hot tub, as she chatted about diaper choices. One of my first adult glimpses that the world wouldn’t always be a safe place, especially under water.

Since then, having numerous hot tubs through the years, I conclude the one I have now is the most wonderful I could’ve purchased. In an empty version, I did try out the seats in the showroom, as many lounges are not made for a short, Germanic woman. This one is perfect. There are jets all around the tub, with a circular foot massage-er in the bottom. Just right after a long day of yard work.

No doubt, a hot tub is a luxury. In this the day of Covid-19 and home quarantine, it seems everyone decided to buy one at once. It took 8 weeks for delivery of mine. Since then, necessary chemicals are in high demand. I’ve been ordering on Amazon, as the local hardware store has been out of everything needed. My tub claimed chlorine wasn’t necessary, but that wasn’t true. With a testing strip every morning, the water remains balanced. Lots of things can complicate aquatic balance, starting with the chemical composition of your local water.

Mental teleportation is another benefit to spa life. K gave me a small bottle of Hawaiian Happiness elixer. It’s necessary to add the appropriate fragrance in the water, allow it to bubble awhile, and then breathe deeply with eyes closed. Just like that, it’s Waikiki Beach 2013, under a cabana in front of the Moana Surfrider Hotel. In this age of viral uncertainty, a teleportation contraption right outside my laundry room door is the answer for me.

Morning soaking is a delightful place to plan the activities of the day, one cup of coffee at a time. So many lists form in my head, from the need to fix a leaking emitter, to the mowing of the lawn. Item by item, my list gets longer and longer.

Before I know it, it’s almost lunch time.

After lunch, the afternoon soak is a great time to think of dinner options for one. Any recipe can be altered to give one or two servings. It just depends on what a person feels like eating. As the sun tracks across the sky, wispy, feathery cirrus clouds tell of weather aloft. Ground level winds chill wet tanning legs, causing me to slink back under the water. All the while, the jets bubble on.

Well, after dinner, one needs to check on the stars and plan for the next day. It matters not that all the plans for the day went to the wayside due to laziness . That is just the modus operandi of the retired teacher. And so it goes.

After days of laziness practice, I’ve come to the conclusion I should’ve started this long ago. There are plenty of days for chores that need doing. Trips to the store can wait. Groceries can always be delivered tomorrow. The thing that can’t be interrupted is quality hot tub time. Try it. You’ll agree.

Things And Things And Things

A thing here, a thing there, everywhere things and things and things. I’ve never considered myself a saver of mementos. But, now that I look in my cupboards, I realize I’m just that. A pack rat, just shy of a hoarder. A neat and tidy pack rat, I would add.

The thought goes through my mind of the little turtle. Gets along just fine with his little shell. Not 13 fancy china tea cups, or two sets of silver. Just a shell. Moving from here to there, nothing strapped on the top. No extra baggage. I need to emulate the turtle and begin purging.

There is little chance that the kids, (who are adults), want most of what I find precious and endearing. The significance of most of my memorabilia is not obvious and significant only to VST and me. Deciding the fate of these things I’ve held dear for decades, I’ve decided I need to release them. You can’t hold an angel in a pair of worn bluejeans or a single rose given so long ago.

For the first year of widowhood, a solemn and tearful balloon release occured on the 8th of every month. Each month, the number of balloons increased by one, until 12 biodegradable green and yellow balloons flew away on April 8, 2021. Here I am, saying goodbye to month 13, without some sort of ceremony fitting for the second year. Last night one came to me just before dreams swept me away.

There are some precious things that need a proper goodbye. Since 1987, I’ve saved the clothes worn at our Class Reunion dinner and dance on the night I met VST. His jeans. His shirt. My skirt. My scarf. Taking them out from time to time, I’m whisked back to that night. September 5th, 1987. The late summer California breezes. The lights in the trees. Twinkly stars. My classmates collectively traveling back to 1972-73, when life was simpler for us all. The clothes were worn only then, and saved all these years. To anyone not in the know, they would be a mysterious possession, out of date and for people lean and lanky.

These clothes can’t go to Hanna’s Thrift or, worse, the dump. They can’t be repurposed or worn by someone else. These were the things we wore the night our story started. After a quick photograph, they need a fitting Goodbye.

A couple months ago, I bought a fire pit. Not a gas one, which I bought earlier, but a real fire pit. It will be there that on the 8th of every month, things and things and things will rest until they turn to ash. As the ashes mix with the soils of Winterpast, sweet memories will remain. Releasing these things, my heart will continue to mend with soft Goodbyes. The 8th will be a time to glance back at yesterday, while being grounded in today.

Ceremonies help to heal me from the unthinkable tragedy of cancer. Through ceremonies, I honor the memory of VST and the wonderful life that we shared. I also honor the woman of strength and courage I have become. Weathered and wind blown, life is blooming out of death, rather like a meadow coming to life after a devastating wild fire. Ceremonies help me find peace and comfort my soul.

Don’t get me wrong. There is plenty of stuff that needs to hit the landfill. Half used balls of yarn. Extra fabric that I MIGHT find a use for. Old craft books. Broken tools. This turtle needs to lighten the load, until the final downsize comes my way. A shroud has no pockets, eh?

I’m off to investigate shelves full of things and things and things. More tomorrow.

Blog A Day– Answers for Inquiring Minds

Last September, being inspired by Mr. Mud Duck and his daily podcast, I decided to try blogging. For decades, I’d lost my voice through layers of censuring. Subjects weren’t to be broached, let alone written about for the world to read. Tethered, my imagination strained on a very tight chain. Writing wasn’t fun, pondering all grammar and punctuation and finally settled on a few approved subjects. By time I wrote the first word, I was exhausted and any good ideas had left the building. Stifling.

This creative void was of my own doing. Living with a Dr. of Psychology is intimidating. Two competitive perfectionists make for lively conversations, each reaching for the college word of the day. Deep meaning can be lost in those outer branches of academia. Sadly, some days were decorated with dangling participles with not an creative thought in the bunch.

As a young writer, titles escaped me. Now, they are fluid, flying like long, string-y banners in my brain, each one on a flagpole rich with ideas. I attribute this creativity to a lifetime of teaching, writing, and reading. To release them every day is a delicious activity that starts my day with a thrill that’s un-explainable. A desire to create is the first thing a successful blogger needs.

A wealth of information awaits anyone with time, a computer, and a curious mind. There are helpful and free webinars on Kindle Direct Publishing. Inspirational writers host free talks in which they tell their stories of success. To find success, it helps to visualize what it looks like. A favorite children’s author of mine is Kate DiCamillo. She has a delightful interview in which she talks about going into her studio with her coffee in the morning to write. Now, that’s me!

I googled “Writing Blogs”, and immediately, came up with a top ten list for sights. I picked the number one company at the time and started. Bluehost and WordPress have been wonderful and free. The little succulent on black was a fitting pre-made template for a new widow. Yes, there is a sandwich in there somewhere, it came with the page and couldn’t be removed. I like an occasional sandwich, so it remained. There were boxes in which to put my name and I filled in the blanks. Within a few hours, the page was complete and I started writing.

Find a time when you are creative. For me, it is 3 AM. Not conducive to a family life, but perfect for me. I keep a journal handy at all times to write down random topics and ideas for the days when only Cheryl, the tree is an available topic. I write when the words are itching to spring from my fingers. Mid-day, the fingers are deep in soil, and can’t be bothered with something like typing. Then, choose a schedule. Not every writer writes every single day. You may binge write and then take two days off. Whatever works, you need a schedule that you stick to. Goals on which to plant your flag.

I write poetry in long hand only. Fluid QWERTY typing allows me to have a stream of thoughts that race onto the computer screen. I write on a desktop, finding the keyboard on my iPad to small for the Germanic fingers. The phone is not even an option for this blind woman. I need backlit paragraphs, and even then, I fail at proofreading most days. A healing from the formally stuffy perfectionist correcting everything in red pen.

I’ve dabbled with Google Analytics, purchasing some extra programs totaling under $300. Everything that I’ve done has been simple, just taking a little time to learn the system. I’ve focused on the creative side, and not so much on the nuts and bolts of what I could do to monetize. Marketing will be my next step as I go along this journey. Social media is something I’ve avoided my entire life, but I may need to develop a presence. A monthly newsletter is another necessary project.

The payoff for me is getting sweet comments from readers telling me that I said something meaningful to them on a certain day. I enjoy looking up reader locations and finding that I have some faithful readers in Fernley, Carson City, Provo, Boydton, Port Angeles, and Cambria, just to name a few. Knowing that people are finding this the least bit interesting makes writing all the more fulfilling and fun for me.

For a time, it didn’t seem that I’d ever write anything again. I allowed that to happen. Now, I could write a novel about the phone book and it wouldn’t be half-bad. As I find more expressive courage each day, my daily observations have more meaning, while my writing gets richer. There’s just nothing better than that.

Writing is a friend when my house is quiet. It’s a voice when I need someone to speak to. My words will remain long after I have gone, showcasing a complicated woman that could be quite difficult at times. Some words will be too racy for paper. Other’s a bit mundane. But, words will keep coming. Stay tuned.

Goodbye Precedes Hello, Now It’s Time to Go

With a magical fun in the rear view mirror, this is the week Miss Firecracker will start her new life in California and the day Ace returns to his. With Donner Pass between me and the family and friends I love, this “sage-brush-ed” desert girl needs to suck it up and carry on. Both would expect no less. Yesterday, Miss Firecracker and I went to a craft fair! Decadent!!! Outlandish!!! Wreckless!!! Absolutely the best time ever!!! The town we visited is a very tiny oasis of a farming town nestled between mountain peaks. I used to go there for business, as it is the county headquarters. DMV. Business Licenses. School District Headquarters. Small functional airport for private planes. It is the hub of my county. Above the little town sits a run down former mine site, home to Super-Fund-Clean-Up-Personnel. Tumble Weed Heights. This little town was a copper mine from the 1950’s-1970. Nestled in some beautiful scenery, there is abandoned miniature golf, an empty community swimming pool, an RV park, and about 75 little company houses that used to own the miners. This town is a place I like to go to think. With the rich array of decay all around, the stories they scream are mind tingling. Yes, I have camped at the RV park with Miss Firecracker. Yes, the memories came back to us both, as we thought of VST, puppy Oliver, Bailey’s and Cream and the fun we had there. Outrageous. We  walked to look at the pit far below the look out. Surrounded by rusted wire cage, we looked down. The pit itself is 800 feet deep, with the water in the pit at around 450 feet. The water glows a beautiful blueish green, rather like a beach in Bali. Eerily inviting. I bet skin would fall of the bone of any unsuspecting swimmer taking a chance on a quarry dive. After taking in the sites of Tumble Weed Heights, we made the short trip into the town below. Past the gas station, hardware store, BBQ place, with a right turn at Main Street. Every little town has a Main Street, right? The craft show had no more than 10 booths. There, a handful of customers milled about, looking at this and that. I bought artichoke spread, Strawberry Tangerine Marmalade, and Seething-Smoking-Hot-Burn-Your-Lips-Off Cherry Jelly, (Ace’s idea). Walking into a very small, local casino, I felt as if I’d entered a time machine. I’ve met the local owners a time or two. They run the town, and are good decent men. Manly-men. No non-sense men that are sure of their gender and role in the community. In fact, that town is made of manly-men and girly-girls that farm, mine, or raise children just like themselves. For me, its comforting to go there once in awhile to soak in the normal that so many of us boomers were raised with. The local diner sits in the back of this place. Donny Boy’s Diner. There, the most wonderful food I’ve seen in a very long time was being cooked by a chef that knew what the heck he was doing. A seasoned staff was efficient and precise, delivering plates overflowing with goodness to a packed house. Every table was full, with people waiting. Just like it used to be on a Saturday morning in anywhere USA. The experience made me want to return often. I have really been trying to diet. REALLY. Keto is the best diet in which I feel wonderful. I lose weight quickly and have tons of energy. It’s the CARB thing. Ruins my plans every time. Yesterday, the biscuits and gravy called to me, and I was not disappointed. Fresh biscuits so flaky and light, swimming in REAL homemade gravy. Bacon cooked just so. Eggs on the side. A great meal for a cow hand getting ready to ride the range. For a retired school teacher, might as well glue those biscuits right on my saddle bags. But, it was worth every morsel. In the last week, I have finished so many projects in the yard. The sprinkler system will remain a project for another day. Oliver has a new dog house now. Asparagus and rhubarb are sprouting. The peonies are straining with a heavy crop of growing blooms. Today, my book needs my attention, and life needs to return to quiet mode for a time. Miss Firecracker is making the rounds, saying her last goodbye’s before the moving truck rolls out of town at the end of the week. The thing about friendships and Good Bye is this. The next word is a glorious “Hello”. In short order, Miss Firecracker and her posse can expect a fun visit from me, just  west of Donner Pass. Life holds lots of happiness, appearing in different forms at different times. We all have responsibilities that sometimes require separation and focus. Just a fact of life. Relish your Hello’s and try not to ooze too much with Good Bye’s. As Joni would say, “And, the seasons, they go round and round, and the painted ponies go up and down. We’re traveling on a carousel of time.” Until tomorrow, enjoy today!!!

Waiting for Service, What Did I See?

I don’t consider myself good at waiting, but it seems that these days, patience is a virtue we all need. Waiting at the Service Department of the Jeep dealership the other day, I found so many things to observe. In this day of Covid and slow business, the things I observed were interesting. It made me think that professional waiting should be a career choice, because so many things can be discovered when one sits and waits.

The dealership was asleep when I arrived, while the Service Department woke up first. At first glance, the gleaming floors and windows were quite astonishing, considering they deal with cars. All the counters were cleared of clutter and sparkling for Customer #1, me. After taking my information, I was led into the main car showroom to wait.

There was one major thing missing in the showroom. Cars. I used to love looking at the spiffed up cars that were lucky enough to be on the showroom floor. Always the most expensive and heavily loaded with the extra bells and whistles. I’m sure their absence had to do with Covid. Doesn’t everything???????? For whatever reason, this left me, alone in the dealership showroom, to look over everything else.

The first thing I noticed was that the ceiling airconditioner vents were hairy with dirt. I found this hilarious, as everything else was so clean. However, the source of cool, fresh air had grown lint and dust to the point that they looked fuzzy. Visualizing the Covid virus with their stickiness hanging up there made me adjust my mask a little tighter.

As my eyes moved downward, I noticed the office, shared by two men. Now, I have a question for you. Does your man hide cords, or leave them looped here and there, like a mess of spaghetti. VST and I had long discussions about the maze of cords in his office. The was no limit to the number of cords that snaked behind this and that. I really think some of them weren’t hooked to anything, but there just to add to the sheer volume of cords.

In this shared office, the cords were everywhere. It struck me odd that for a dealership in which one vehicle might cost more than a person’s yearly salary, attention to detail was absent. Even with the shiny windows looking into this office, the cords were random and numorous, snaking this way and that in a heap on the floor. Sticky notes covered the wall, and a general feeling of disarray and disorganization filled this little glass office for two. The office furniture spoke to a sleek design made for minimal clutter. Add two men, and the situation is nit quite showroom perfect.

The more I watched the operations, as the dealership came to life, the more I realized there is so much to observe in life. By noting the little details in life, we can better choose businesses and eateries that we might want to try. Just by having a cup of coffee and waiting, there is much to be learned.

I did learn that the dealership is run by people who are friends. Little local businesses are like that. I learned that I would like to do more business with these people, even if their building could use a little closer attention to detail when it comes to house keeping. I learned that even in a car dealership showroom, things that used to be are no more. Customers going in to buy their first cars won’t have the delightful experience to look at the one they can’t afford THIS time, but would dream about in the future. The one with all the bells and whistles in the center of the showroom floor, washed and waxed to a blinding shine.

Waiting can create a quiet space in which to think and evaluate the surroundings. It can quiet your pulse if you just let it surround you and find something interesting to watch. It IS an art. Try it.

Pearly Whites, Quick Contacts, and the Joys of Small Town Living!

Do you ever put off the dentist? There are really so many more pleasant things to do than sit with a pair of hands in your mouth, while their owner asks questions that require a lengthy answer. Annoying. But, necessary to stay happy and well.

As a child, I was dentally abused. Badly. Nightmarish and ghoulish. The perpetrator was an middle eastern chap with very hairy fingers. Long black curly finger hair on very dark skin. Freakishly big hands. He enjoyed tormenting little girls, and I thought I was the only one. I needed to reach college age before a group of friends were discussing feeling about dentists and his name came up. Funny, we all had the very same abuse and nightmarish experiences under his care. The saddest thing was that when I left the Central Valley, he was still dealing with children at the hospital there. Chilling.

He enjoyed putting the needle right in front of our eyes, while pushing the syringe, releasing a tiny drop of evil fluid to land on our noses. In fact, so close that I ‘m sure we were cross-eyed as we looked up at the dentist we were told to trust. He enjoyed the pain he caused us, we all agreed.

After many years of abuse at his hands, my parents finally changed dentists. At least this dentist was not into torturing children. However, it turned out the dentist before had left decay under all my mercury fillings, so we began again. One tooth at a time. At least that guy gave a prize when were were done. He also had no finger hair.

So, going to the dentist has never been my favorite thing.

With my teaching career came the most wonderful dental insurance. I must say, I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have. For most of my adult life, my family and I were fully covered, and never missed our six month cleanings and maintenance. My crowns were replaced every 5 years right on schedule, and so, my dental life was good, until it wasn’t.

Thanks to my God Mother, TJ, I had the cutest dentist in the world. A past tennis pro, he was a visual delight, being just as sweet as adorably handsome. He and I watched our kids grow up and move out of the house. After two decades, he announced one day that he was leaving to devote time to retirement, tennis, and golf in Monterey. And just like that, the one dentist that had finally earned my trust was gone. Replacing that relationship would be impossible, for sure. Even coming close has been a chore kept on the back burner.

Last week, I made an appointment for a check up with the dental office here in my little dusty part of Nevada. There are always cars out front, this practice being a busy one. The office staff is genuinely nice, and the dentist, whom I met yesterday, is dentist-y in a good way. Being young, I’ll die far before him, which means he may be the last dentist I need to form a relationship with. All to the good.

After my exam, we decided on two troublesome crowns that need replacement. Then came the bill. It wasn’t as bad as I had expected, but not as good as I had wished. Crowns are expensive.

So, I asked a question.

“Do you give discounts for cash?”

After a conversation with the front office, it turns out that cash patients receive a 20% discount right up front. On Everything. It pays to ask. When two crowns are the topic of discussion, this adds up to quite a savings.

My appointment with my new dental friends will be in July. They promised they would call earlier if there is a cancellation. I fully expect that I’ll have my crowns long before then. I expect they’ll be of average quality and last me the rest of my life, because that’s just the stage of life I’m in.

Living in a small town has so many benefits. My eye doctor’s office called and my contacts are in. My glasses will be here next week. I am looking forward to Bible study with the friends at my new church, and my special friend is coming for dinner tonight. Life is funny. Just when you think you are all alone, new friendships bloom and happiness feeds your soul.

Don’t forget about your dental health, even though it is not the most pleasant thing in the world. It’s always nice to have pearly whites to flash. Smile! It increases your face value.

Cheryl’s Universe Through the Eyes of a Retiree

Retired people like me have a lot of time on our hands. It’s true. Maybe a little too much, in my case. As I sit here writing to you, I’ve been focusing on the tree in my front yard. I must admit, I haven’t given her a once-over since I had all the ugly junipers ripped out last fall. She sits here begging to be noticed, as her roots really don’t allow her to get up and move to a house in which she might find better care. She doesn’t have a name. I’m not even sure what kind she is. She’s just a leafy tree in my brown front yard.

As I started to really examine her, I noticed she’s trying to bloom. Being in the path of severe winds, she isn’t having much luck. Her green leaves are rather sparse, which reminds me that I haven’t checked to make sure she is getting enough water. Plants have it rough sometimes.

So this tree, which I shall now name Cheryl, is old. Her bark is weathered and split, and her trunk makes me guess she was planted when the house was new. As trees go, she isn’t all that tall, maybe being 15′ at the most. She has an attractive shape, as tree shapes go. At her widest she is 10′ across. In function, she doesn’t do much for Winterpast, except to exclaim that she has grown here for sometime to those neighbors walking by. She doesn’t block sun, as it rises to the East and she is planted to the South of the house. She doesn’t give fruit, and therefore, isn’t one of my favorites.

As I look closer into her world, I realize there is an universe that I’ve ignored. A fascinating world of plants and animals that have taken up residence in her own little world. There are ants that run up and down her trunk, looking for tasty morsels, or sweet sap from the aphid families that drink her sap. Beattles hide under her bark, nesting, while creating more beetles. Butterflies stop at her little blooms and take a drink. All while she watches quietly.

Birds of all varieties stop off to take a rest in her branches. They exchange the daily gossip and news, fluffing their feathers when one has an opinion not popular to the others. There are budding love affairs among the branches, when the boy birds become silly while the girl birds become aloof. Her bend-y limbs provide a place to hold twigs and weeds, forming a nursery, where lovey-dovey birdy types become parents to demanding hatchlings.

All this activity goes on day after day, until the fall, when she quietly goes to sleep for another winter of ice and snow. Her dreams must be sweet and full, after witnessing all that occurs in her universe.

Retired people sometimes have too much time on their hands. Empty minutes and hours in which to capture and document all kinds of miniature miracles occuring in life every day. Trees. Wind. Mustangs. Jack Rabbits. Microcosms of life. All fascinating, and just enough to fill this retired writer’s quiet spring morning here in the Northern Nevada desert.

An OY VEY Kind of Day For My Sleigh!!!!

There are all kinds of angels and heroes in this world. While waiting for angels to come down from heaven in white robes, they might be standing right in front of you, smudged with a bit of grease and a smile. Such is the case in my world of automobiles. I’m fortunate enough to own two very nice vehicles. Some days I want to sell them both and buy an apple red sports car, fiery like my spirit. But, mine are practical vehicles for my lifestyle. A Jeep Wrangler and a Dodge Ram pickup, not feminine, but then, neither am I. From the beginning of time, automobile worries weren’t something I needed to worry about. With my dad’s shop at the ready, including gas any time I needed it, the brand new car was a place to race from here to there. Never did I do a proper cost analysis of the privilege of owning a car, because for me, the cost was zero. This continued on, as I grew older and married VST. Before earning is doctorate, VST was a professional master mechanic, perfectionist in all he repaired. Knowing all the tricks of the trade, he kept our vehicles perfectly serviced and repaired. And, then……. He died. These days, I drive very little. VST always loved to drive, being a perfect fit for me. Although a good driver, I don’t find it fun. It is a means to an end, and if I can be a passenger, I’m much happier. I would rather write, shop online, and have my groceries delivered. More time to sit in the hot tub. One of the last bits of information VST told me about the vehicles was important. Just a week before dying, he told me to always respect the fix-it lights on the car. When it says to change the oil, do it. If the tires are low, air them. If it says, “Check Engine”, get to the shop. Good advice for someone who had to go to YouTube just to learn how to open the hood on the Dodge Ram. As things do, my tires on the Jeep were worn down. Please. Check your tires today. There is a white line that goes across the tire tread. If you start to see that, it is time to replace the tires. Mine were wearing unevenly, and needed attention. In the high desert, good tires are a must. Either you’re fighting with sand or snow. Possibly a torrential downpour. So, a tire rotation every 5,000 miles is not just something to think about doing. It’s important to do it. Now, in the autumn of my life, when I was dreading car maintenance and the learning curve for a new skill, an Automotive Shop owner drove right into my life. When visiting his shop for the first time, he was quite bold and very assertive. With a few maneuvers, he hoisted my Jeep up on his handy-dandy car lift. Does your friend have one of those? As we walked under the Jeep inspecting the new tires that had just been installed through a business acquaintance of his, he was pulling on this and tugging on that. A worried look came over his face. He gave me the sad news. “Your tie-rods are loose.” Oh, my goodness. I was crest fallen when the dentist first told me my gums were flabby. Deflated when my arms started to flap like wings in the breeze when wearing a swim suit. Saddened beyond the beyond when my knees no longer looked so good in shorts. But, this was too much. Loose Tie Rods. Worse than that, they were connected to a Steering Dampener, which had been installed as an early recall and fix for a situation called the “Death Wobble”. This has happened to the Jeep on three occasions that I can identify, and it’s very, very scary. In rough road, you can lose control of the car. It can literally cause you to crash, or worse, drive off a cliff. The recall had been done by the dealership and a professional mechanic. There was no reason to believe it was anything but life-saving and correctly installed. This was a inspection and repair my friend advised would be better off handled by the dealership. A beautiful Jeep dealership sits in the middle of my little town. Yesterday was the day I went to see them. After waiting and waiting, while my little Jeep was up in the air the verdict was in. The recalled part, the Steering Dampener”, was put in BACKWARDS at the Jeep dealership in my old town. Yes. Backwards. Yes. A recalled fix for a situation that could cause death. My head was swimming. In the three years I’VE owned the Jeep, two Master Mechanics looked at this part and neither knew it was on backwards. The professional that I trusted, put in on that way. UN-BE-LIEV-A-BLE!!!!!! We are not talking about a sticker telling me when I need to next service the car. This was a fix to prevent the DEATH WOBBLE. It seems that the part is directional, but there is no arrow showing the mechanic which way this part should go. This way? That way???? Who cares. Slap it in and she’s good to go. Except, this part could have cost me my life. On Interstate 80. You know. The one that goes over Donner Pass, with sheer cliffs for careening. Or Geigher Grade going into Virginia City. The one with snow covered roads when a wife was driving her sick husband home during a snow storm? Also with sheer cliffs? Yes. Those treacherous roads, in which this RECALL FIX was put on backwards by some unknowing or uncaring mechanic at a dealership I used to know. My new dealership, heroes all, reversed it, making the Tie Rods again sturdy and firm. With aligned tires, I’m ready for the world now. Be careful when automobile repairs fall on your shoulders. Go to a quality place with a good reputation. Go on time. Ask for the used parts back. Ask for pictures. Ask for them to use their brains and FOCUS on something as important as your car. It could cost you your life if you dont’, and at the very least, ruin a perfectly good day. A special Thank You to the professionals at my new Jeep dealership. And a big, heartfelt thank you to my friend with the handy-dandy lift. You steered me right on that one.

Get Right or Get Left! New Friends Delight!

Yesterday, I made a bold decision. Deciding it had been long enough that I’d thought about trying one of the many churches in my little dusty town, it was time to dust of my Sunday-Go-To Meeting clothes, hop in the Jeep, and try one. Having met the preacher for the local Baptist Church earlier in the month, I decided it would be first on the list. Realizing I had little choice in what to wear, I chose new jeans, a black and white blouse, covered with my black cashmere sweater. After a quick shower, a blow dry, and a quick glance in the mirror, I was off.

Main Baptist is on a busy street that trails through town. It used to be the historical Highway 40, according to my new friend. The street sees everything from trucks full of steers going to or coming from a summer in the high country, to supplies for the local Lowe’s. I’ve sat next to this street eating the best hamburgers in the universe on a picnic table. I’ve also met many new friends among the Black Bears further down the road. Yesterday, I was going to have a chat with God in a sweet little country church.

I never understood the words “Country Church”. I guess that’s because I went to a country church as a girl, and never went to a “City Church”. I feel uncomfortable between starched white shirts and expensive high heels. A country church has an inviting nature that is all its own. It welcomes everyone, as long as you are the type of everyone that doesn’t mind the truth of the area being spoken loud and clear. There’s nothing wrong with being among people of like mind in a place where you want to feel safe and comforted. This was that place for me.

A “Country Church” congregation is full of people that come physically tired. Ranchers, farmers, miners, and a stray gardener or two. Wifely homemakers that want to share their latest carrot cake recipe. Children that were home-school-ed before it became the norm for our country. Parents and children who have no misunderstanding about the proper behavior in a House of God, and just WHO makes the rules in their family. Men and Women that are gender specific and assured. A slice of the community I love so much for its original qualities. One that ignores New York City political correctness, while being secure enough to hold original beliefs that fit our high desert red neck life.

Church starts early in this little building, with 9:30 bible study. From the outside, you wouldn’t know much is going on at all. Just a tiny little building that used to be white before the many sand storms took the new off the paint job. Trimmed in blue, there are plenty of hand made touches that add to the charm. Inside there are red padded chairs that are church-close. There are no masks or social distancing, because, people need hugs when they are in the presence of God. I sure did.

It was refreshing to meet new friends right away. Some of the nicest people rushed to introduce themselves and welcome me. They all chatted about the Bible studies that were offered throughout the week, and hugged and laughed with each other and me. In this high desert plain, I was offered what I’ve yet to find. A sense of community and love. It was the most beautiful part of my new town that I have found yet.

So, what makes a country church a country church? Adorable country people that are real. A little band that is made of six parishiners. A preacher that wheres a little gold shotgun across his tie. Women in beautiful hand made dresses and shiny shoes, because they love to dress up on Sunday. Friendly kids, one who made my day by coming to welcome me to their service. Around 40 locals all ready to pray together for comfort and peace. For love and understanding. To God.

The service was a little different than I was used to, but the message was the same. If we allow God to disappear from our lives, despair will result. Having faith in faith is really believing in a word. There needs to be a heartfelt knowing of Spirit.

I plan to return to this little Country Church with my new friend next week. I plan to visit others in the area, as well, to find the one that fits my soul and spirit perfectly. Sometimes, we all need to stretch our comfort zones and go find a seat in the back row. It was nice to let go and let God for an hour in a little Country Church on Main.

The She I’ve Become. The Her I Want To Be.

Today is a fine day to assess the me I am right now while checking for needed adjustments to my course. So far, my life has been full of all kinds of labels. I’ve been daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin. Mother and Grandmother. Daughter-in-law and daughter-in love. I’ve been clueless, and a self-assured and ruthless bitch, sometimes concurrently. I’ve been a fiance, a bride, and now, a widow. Through all of that, there have been many times in my life, I couldn’t or wouldn’t choose to be me. Today is a fine day to think about where I stand now.

Outside, the dark clouds and winter storm warning make me think Mother Earth has days when she can’t decide who she is, as well. Last night, the winds howled through the darkness, while the creaks and groans of Winterpast put me on edge. I’ve never been one to be afraid of the dark, but last night, even that confidence was challenged a little bit. Oliver slept soundly in his little bed, sweet puppy dreams comforting him. If he slept, the noises would just be household complaints whispered while homeowners dream.

My physical balance has always been an issue, teetering this way or tottering that way. Never really sure of my footing, exaggerated when I started this journey as a widow last year. There was no room for major mistakes, as the results would have been catastrophic. I needed to be present, even when I was quite sure I was losing my mind with grief. Just one foot in front of the other, carrying so many responsibilities, I didn’t have a hand to carry a cane. I found my balance, even if it looked different than I was expecting. Even if I chose stepping stones that made others cringe.

My spirit, although tested in the last year, has remained strong. Faith, hope, love, and a strong belief in the goodness of the day have gotten me through. My heart quietly repaired, as I tended to my body, making sure it got the right food and plenty of rest. Slowly, I became accustomed to a new normal, hand-picking every color and texture. I’m beginning to like the resulting tapestry. There is still so much more to weave into my reality. I am becoming the HER I want to be.

The high desert is a great place to plan a life. Quietly serene, I find myself the most creative when I am working the soil of Winterpast. Desert dirt is a funny thing. If left alone, it becomes rigid and stone-like. Without the addition of water, mulch, or nutrients, Winterpast would return to her desolate state, with everything dead. The same would’ve happened to me without the spiritual or emotional nourishment I’ve found along the way. With new friendships and love in my life, my roots are growing deeper and my heart is blooming with possibilities. I have found a happiness that is new and fragile, but growing every day.

Adventures are just around the bend. Last week, I made reservations for the International Pyrotechnic Convention to be held in Fargo, North Dakota in August. Many nights will be filled with competitive fireworks displays put on by major companies. For almost an hour each night, the skies will explode with beauty set to music. I can hardly wait. This year, my life is exploding with beauty just like the fireworks I’m expecting to see. With reservations for two, the anticipation of “+Fun” adventures is a delightful feeling.

Writing’s always been a deep love of mine. It came easily as I was growing up, with stories stacked neatly in my heart, just waiting to be told. Now that I’ve the time and means to tell them, the words jump out of my fingers and through the keyboard to my readers each day. I’m finding my voice, while experimenting with tone, topic, and tempo. The HER I want to bring to life is a full fledged writer. A published writer who is read by thousands of people in many countries around the world. I am on the way to that woman, but not HER all the way.

The woman I’m looking forward to being is fierce and a force to be reckoned with. She is grounded and sure of her steps towards her goals. She is smart. Tenacious. Courageous enough to let her friends be strong for her once in awhile. Tender enough to cry or wipe away the tears of another. Street wise, but still ready to believe the best in people. A life mate that is worthy of sharing forever with another human being. That woman.

The deserts winds continue to blow today under grey and solemn clouds. Over and over, they cross the plains towards Winterpast and hit her hard. I expect the winds of life will continue to do the same to me. Goodbye’s and Hello’s. Losses and finds. Wins and defeats. But always, encouraging me to march towards the goal of being my best self.

As a new week begins today, I hope that you are finding the person you were meant to be in this crazy world. You, your own captain, follow the things that make you happy and strong. It isn’t something anyone can be told how to do, or imitate. Personal and private answers lie within our hearts, each truth as different as a fingerprint. Go, find your version of HER. She’s waiting for you.

Clouded Thinking on a Crystal Clear Day

Some days, I just wish I could jump into a time machine and go back to my younger life. Times when I knew those to trust and those to avoid. Times when right and wrong were a little bit more black and white, at least in my experience. Times when I knew the dentist that would be fixing my teeth and the doctor would be giving medical advice tailored for me because we had a 25 year friendship. Those days when everything wasn’t new and strange.

Earlier in the week, I went to my new eye doctor. Such a great guy, he fixed me up in fine order with contacts and eyeglasses. The best part is the proximity to Winterpast. Just around the corner. Next Monday, I’ll try out a new dentist, and the week after that, it’ll be time to try out a new doctor. Everything unknown. Everyone untried. I’n pretty sure they’ll have medical agendas that do not line up with my personal preferences. If that becomes the case, I’ll keep looking until I find the medical minimalists that fit my personal beliefs and medical needs. The search and unknown are what I find exhausting.

I’m on this island of new. Everything around me is untested and mysterious, as I find myself in the high desert all alone. I’m starting to accept that this is not something easy or convenient, but damn hard. A lonely journey that will take time, as I find my way.

Last night, Miss Firecracker and I found another “new” in the vast acres of sand and tumbleweeds. We found “Five Ladies On A Stump Steakhouse”. With reservations at 4, Miss Firecracker drove us East, as we passed the time chatting, as we always do. She knows right away what questions to ask, because I wear my worries like laundry on a clothesline. Very apparent.

By the time we got to the restaurant, we had covered so many topics. The waitresses were waiting for us, as we had reservations and we entered. The first thing that was so adorable about the place was a wall of hanging cowboy hats. Straw and all the same, they acted as a room divider, hanging in long strings, tied brim to brim. Cost effective and appropriate for the clientele. This is in the heart of Nevada Cattle Country, with two major feed lots on either side of time.

The next big surprise was on us when we opened the menu. Now, this was something. The menus were back lit. Heavy, like my iPad and cover, when opened, the paper menus had been inserted between the cover and glass. The lighting from behind made the paper glow and instantly easy to read. We both giggled with delight, opening and closing our menus. Never have I ever!

From the starched linens to the sparkling water glasses, this place was the nicest restaurant I have been to in some time. The waitress pampered us as we continued our conversations and laughter.

I couldn’t help to notice the three-some that came in to dine. The men were very clean, wearing bibbed-overalls. Not new bibbed-overalls. The kind that had been dealing with cows and calves the day before, but luckily, had found their way through a cycle in the washing machine. Only here, in the high desert, would this happen in an upscale steak house. I so love where I live.

When I moved to Fernley, I knew one couple. Miss Firecracker and her sweet husband, Baily’s and Cream. We’d met years before, immediately developing a friendship of the sweetest kind. It’s rare that two couples blend into four people that really like one another, but such was the case. We’ve dressed up and attended fancy balls together, and sat under star-lit skies by the campfire, laughing until we cried. We’ve discussed about every subject possible, from electrical engineering to psychological issues, with never enough time to tire from the delightful company.

VST and Baily’s and Cream needed to leave this world a little before us women-folk, their “forevers” being shorter than ours. Abruptly they said their Goodbye’s and left with barely a sound, either one. They left us with gaping mouths and tear-streamed faces wondering where the other half of went. Miss Firecracker and I knew these two guys well, and we loved them both. Together, she and I have found comfort in easy discussions about these extraordinary men with human problems and shortcomings. We discuss those things privately, because we have the right as their widows and friends.

Through the months of Covid, Miss Firecracker and I have supported each other through some dark days. She has always been my go-to Girlfriend for a friendly dinner at the Tee-Pee Diner. Always been the voice I could trust, because between us, there is only truth. Even when it is tough to hear.

I spent my first widowed holidays with Miss Firecracker. She brought me an ace bandage when I sprained my ankle around Christmas, along with a darling stuffed Santa to lay on the empty pillow next to mine. Her laughter and bright attitude has been there on days when my heart was still bruised, but healing. She is brave, and has been an example of Grace Under Fire. Such good examples for me to reflect upon, on days when I want to put my cart before my horse.

She is the one that showed me the mustang on the mountain just outside of our town. Just an image on the mountain, it is surely a mustang that I see every time I drive East. I will always think of the fun day we shared when she first showed it to me. She is the one that told me this little town had been a fine choice for her home. So right she was, as I grow my roots into the fertile soil of Winterpast.

Now, Miss Firecracker needs to move on in life and out of our little town. To say my heart is breaking sounds melodramatic, but, it is. It will be forever and a day before I meet someone like her that stole my heart at her first “Hello”. I don’t know how I can ever say “Goodbye” when the day comes that she needs to drive West, but, life is that way. There is a time and place for everything. How well I’ve learned that lesson.

Ooze-ing Goodbye’s aren’t something I’m good at. I would rather cruise down main street with a smile, then end up in a heap of tears. So, we’ll be stoic women, the two of us, promising to talk often and laugh loudly at all the adventures that await us.

Her Goodbye reminds me that while Winterpast is my cocoon right now, one day the time will arrive when age will win, and it will be my time to leave. Until then, I have so much gardening to do while reflecting on the great life that the high desert has provided me.

There’ll never be as sweet or funny a campfire as the one in which we all played “Head Bandz” and Miss Firecracker’s chair slowly went over. Or the stories she shared about her Red Hat girlfriends and their escapades. She knows, very well, my favorite story. I will leave it for her to share if you are lucky enough to meet her someday. Just look for the trim and zesty woman with the most sparkly eyes. Ask her about THE story. It’s the best.

Love dearly those friends you hold close. Call them often. Share coffee and stories while enjoying friendship’s special gifts. You never know when a day may come in which they aren’t there to laugh or cry or hold you close. Girlfriends are gifts from God. Cherish them.

I love you to the moon and back, Miss Firecracker.

Don’t get me started with the waterworks, Girlfriend.

Happy Anniversary! Winter is Past!

Spring is the perfect time for new beginnings and a fresh start! I’m living proof of that. Just a year ago, on this very date, April 23, 2020, as a ravaged and tired widow, I turned the key and walked into my new life. Winterpast became my home, rented for one week before the deal closed and she became mine.

For those of you that are new readers, my home is named Winterpast for very important reasons. This name was taken from the bible, Song of Solomon, 10-14. It needs no more explanation that that, because, she always has been Winterpast. No one knew it before, even though it was obvious.

Winterpast was glowing as I entered. Her grieving sellers had put all the love they had into her appearance. Everything worked like it should and was waiting for me on that morning, bright and early. I’d driven off the mountain and across the high desert to her waiting walls. Nervous and scared, as I walked in, I was in a heavy widow’s fog. It had been less than a month since VST’s passing, and I was wrecked emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. A fragile and haggered woman I was as I entered the front door.

I felt her hug around me, like a favorite sweater. Her comfort whispered, “I will keep you safe, warm, and dry. You can cry here. You can rejoice here. Your roots can grow in my soil. I am your forever home.”

I never felt that a home possessed a personality before, but she does. She is enough all by herself. Confident and strong, she knows that she isn’t the most expensive home in the world, or the most glamorous. She is who she is and she stands proud.

In the Jeep, I’d brought everything from my Virginia City Pantry. Winterpast had her glass doored pantry waiting to accept what I brought. As I put down new shelf paper with soft blue squares each filled with one tiny rose, I remembered buying this for the ranch. For two decades I’d carried around the last roll, thinking that some day it would have a use. Such a sweet little pattern. Once the pantry was stocked, I felt anchored. There was not a bed, or chair yet, but she was mine. Neat little cans of Cambell’s and a fresh loaf of bread said it was so.

Over the last year, she has welcomed new and old friends. She craddled me as I said “Goodbye” to VST at his summer memorial. She let me scar her front yard, removing old plants, while patiently waiting for me to make up my mind on the new ones. She has revealed her age slowly, in a way that is normal. She wears her cracks proudly as I wear my wrinkles. She has watched Miss Firecracker and I share laughter and tears on very special days. She has welcomed Ninja Neighbor, and strangers that became dear friends. Winterpast knows all there is to know, and a little more.

Her RV barn, although empty now, will someday hold more dreams. For now, it is an extra space for me to place things too dear to throw away, but too painful to look at every day. She holds everything that would make my real garage cluttered. She is the dream of every man that has come to visit or work. It was the RV barn that VST and I fell in love when we first came to see her, knowing that our rig would nestle there waiting for spontaneous outings. Little did we know vicious storms of cancer were ahead.

This last year has been one of growth. I hope Winterpast loves me as much as I love her. This year will be one of paint and decorating. One of happy holidays filled with decorations and laughter. One of pride of ownership and a new front yard.

I hope your home is a place that you feel the safest. I hope it has a personality that works with yours. Homes hold our hearts carefully.

To Winterpast, I say,

Of all the roads

Both East and West,

The one that leads to home

Is BEST.

Happy Anniversary, Winterpast!! I hope we have years and years to enjoy one another.

Stink E — A Virginia City Icon, Mov’in On

Stink-E and Burnadeen, Virginia City, Nevada

Living in Virginia City was an experience on which I will reflect on for the rest of my life. It isn’t the normal kind of place one expects to live as a retired school teacher in her early 60’s. Not a place easily described or lost among other memories. Virginia City chooses you and also chooses whether or not to let you leave. She made her choice and kept VST, my better half. VC is a powerful entity that calls the shots on her own terms.

In this place, throughout the years we lived there, lived the strangest little man. His real name was Danny Eugene Beason, and beyond that I don’t know much about him. He was known to locals and tourists as Stink-E. The story is that he didn’t spell well, and chose this name for himself, adding a single E to the end. Some years before VST and I arrived on the scene, Stink-E acquired his burro, Burnadeen, from the Bureau of Land Management (the original BLM, by the way). Thousands of excess burros and horses are up for adoption, so if you are in the market, check that out.

Formally wild Burnadeen had to learn about people, and he would fill her in on who to trust or avoid. it appeared that Stink-E had learned a lot about people in his tattered and torn life. Born in Roswell, New Mexico, his life had been a complicated one. Rumors flew around local snooty-snoots like zephyr winds. Stink-E had personal problems that had gotten worse with age. Regardless of his hardships, almost every single day, Burnadeen and he roamed up and down “C” Street, selling the chance to feed a wild burro a carrot. $1.00 for the chance of a life time, just watch your fingers.

Burnadeen didn’t much care for me. Once, early on, I had crossed the street to visit this odd pair. She turned her tail to me when I approached. Believe me when I tell you I never knew so much could come out of a burro. It was the only time I saw her relieve herself while working. I never made an attempt to stand by her side again. Luckily, no clothes were soiled in my one failed attempt to say, “Hey”.

I never once spoke to Stink-E, as he lived up to his name. Some days, he wore old time one-piece, red, button-up pajamas that hadn’t been washed in some time. That paired with worn-out boots and a crumpled, smelly hat made him a sight to behold. Stink-E made sure he cared for his burro, as she might’ve been his only true friend. She knows all his secrets and at this point, she isn’t talking.

Just by chance, I was looking at random news clips when I found out that Stink-E died in early spring at the age of 70. His daughter reported that he suffered from dementia. A terrible hand was dealt to him. Burnadeen is left to carry on his legacy under the care of family members.

Being intrigued by the news, I dug a little deeper and found something that captured the love of Virginia City for her own. The townspeople had a funeral for the old man. A fine turn-out it was. If you look on YouTube under Stink-E’s Funeral, you can watch as he was laid to rest on a snowy March morning. As I watched the funeral, I saw faces that I used to know. Old acquaintances that may or may not have even noticed that I left. But more than that, I sensed the spirit of VC and realized I miss her. For six years, she was my home. The high mountain winds and snow will be in my heart forever. It was there I shared the last of VST’s forever.

The owner of the Silver Queen was there, hidden in the crowd. All the re-enactment actors and actresses had worn their finest outfits to say “Goodbye”. With a mule draw wagon, laying in a pine box, Stink-E made one last pass down “C” Street, with the town walking slowly behind. The procession made it’s way to the Virginia City Cemetary, where Stink-E has a place of honor. A mournful guitar played the song, “God Speed, Sweet Dreams”, through a young singer’s tears. I listened through mine. The song was beautifully sung and appropriate for the Stink-E with I shared Virginia City.

The service itself was perfectly VC. Simple. Heart Felt. Snow Covered. Wild. Western Wild. Just like the legendary Stink-E and Burnadeen themselves.

Now that I know he came from Roswell, there would have been many questions I might have asked him. Was he in Roswell when….? Had he seen anything? What troubled this man so that the demon alcohol often won his battles. How had Burnadeen changed his life? Had she at all? What did I miss by being my own stuffy version of a local snooty-snoot? I think a lot.

There is an absence on “C” Street that you wouldn’t know unless I’d told you. There’s another, younger version of Stink-E walking Burnadeen along to the delight of children and adults alike. I suppose Burnadeen will need to teach this new Stink-E the perils of meeting strangers. Burnadeen knows the ropes now, no longer free to roam the high desert plains from which she was snatched. So many victims in the sad story of Stink-E and Burnadeen. I hope he has found peace in a place called Heaven.

God Speed — sung by The Dixie Chicks

Dragon tales and the water is wide

Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly

Fish bite moonbeams every night

And I love you.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams.

The rocket racer’s all tuckered out

Superman’s in pajamas on the couch

Goodnight moon, we’ll find the mouse

And I love you.

Godspeed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

Godspeed

Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars

God bless dad and thanks for the stars

God hears “Amen”, wherever you are

And I love you

God speed, little man

Sweet dreams, little man

Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings

God speed

Sweet dreams.

RIP Stink-E. RIP.

Weather or Not? The Stick vs. NOAA

Weather is an interesting topic about which people enjoy conversing. Men, especially. At any coffee shop on any morning, men debate the ACTUAL rain fall amounts at great length. Who’s meters are more correct? What WILL the weather be? What are the HISTORICAL statistics? The amount of topics regarding weather go on and on. To men, this is delicious rhetoric. Not controversial, but informative.

I’ve always been the “WHO CARES?” kind of gal. It’s not like anyone can change the weather. I’m not planning a garden event, or travel through obscure mountain passes. I’m just hanging out at Winterpast. If it rains, I will go inside until it clears. If it snows, I will order my groceries online. If it is hot, it’s a good time for a nap in an air-conditioned house. The subject used to be vitally important when an entire raisin crop was on the ground. These days, it matters not. Period. End of Subject.

When farming, a September rain was often accompanied by squeals of delight from co-workers. A sign that fall was on the way after brutal Central Valley summers. To me, it met utter disaster. Period. Perhaps a total crop loss. I could never explain that to them, but during those 17 years of farming raisins, my fear of September rains was real and intense. A state of the art weather station was something needed on every farm.

A few years ago, my God Mother, sent me the most wonderful gift. It has traveled with me, and is now at its second and final resting spot, Winterpast. This little stick, made of balsam wood, is a barometer all on it’s own. “The stick bends down to foretell foul weather, or up for fair weather,” according to Maine Line Products, listing the stick barometer on Amazon for $11.25. It’s useful lifetime can be 9 years or older. Mine is 7 years and still predicting weather.

When weather is great, the stick goes up. Way up. When weather is inclimate, the stick goes down. Really, just like a person’s facial expressions. No one believes the stick is actually a working barometer. I can’t blame them. I didn’t really believe it until I owned one and made my own observations.

As I have stated, that is the extent to which I need to know meteorological information. A true barometer reading, I need not. Wind speed is nice, but if my trash cans blow over, I know it is crazy windy outside. If the flag is still, there is no wind. Pretty easy.

My new friend mentioned that a weather station is a really cool thing to have. So, now I have one, perfectly installed by him upon my patio cover. Wirelessly, it communicates with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. One must wait for the device to “learn” about its surroundings, and then, information starts pouring in on a little screen that now sits in my kitchen.

At this time, the outdoor temperature is 65 degrees, with a humidity of 16%. Partly cloudy with a rainfall amount of zero for the day and year. The wind speed is 2 mph. The indoor temperature is a balmy 71, with 25% humidity. Just perfect.

The thing is, in my world, the day is perfect already, whether the wind was 2 mph or 10 mph. I really don’t see any clouds in the sky, yet. Perhaps they are coming soon. I love 71 degrees, and feel most comfortable when my house is at that temperature. Not to hot, not too cold. So, I could have guessed that one. The humidity is higher today. I knew that because my hair isn’t frizzled.

I suppose it is just another way to remove our senses and abilities to tell time without a clock, or judge the direction of N, S, E, or W by the position of the sun and stars. Another way to make us depend on the government (NOAA), internet, and gadgets. Another way to discount my stick, which at the moment says the weather is perfectly UP outside.

I better hurry to get my daily gardening fix in. Who knows when the torrential rainstorm and blackened skies are coming. With a wind speed of 1 mph now, I don’t need to worry about my hair blowing into a giant rat’s nest of tangles. At 66 degrees, I can leave my sweatshirt inside and go make some Vitamin D. Happy Gardening!!!!

Planting A New Life

The neighbor walked by yesterday with his aging Schnauzer. He is a constant in the neighborhood, being the eyes of every detail around Rabbit Bush Range. I would suspect he is an ORIGINAL owner, which holds weight, as it should. Sixteen years of back-breaking work to develop a high desert lot into something beautiful should be applauded.

I love my ORIGINAL owner neighbors. They are respectful of their properties, keeping things in tip top shape. They know the history and order of which houses were built when the decade was brand new. They know the wind directions and historical weather patterns of the area. They have mature yards that they’ve nurtured and watched since they planted them almost two decades ago. With sadness, I realize that big changes will occur over the next five years, when beautifully quiet octogenarian neighbors are replaced with young families. I need to enjoy the quiet breezes now, before silence is shattered with newbies.

Respect for a culture and quiet settings is something that is lost on the young. People are amazed when visiting Winterpast. It’s so quiet you can hear the wind crossing the desert. Birds call to each other over long distances. There is the rumble of the train passing through town, and the Jake Brakes of the big rigs on 89A going right through town. Silence is a golden commodity in this day and age. A valuable commodity lost on most people.

This Original owner and neighbor has walked by Winterpast every day for a year with no more than a passing grunt. He’s a tall man in his late 70’s with snowy hair. He likes button shirts in plaid, and always wears shorts. He and his dog are very serious about their walks, seeming to be on a mission to get somewhere.

Yesterday, he heard me saying my Goodbye’s to my friend in the garage and looked our way. He waved and spoke right away.

“‘Hi, Joy! I haven’t seen you in a long while. I was worried about you with Covid around. You okay?”

“Sure! Doing great. Just been busy in the backyard. Have a nice day!”

Interesting that he did remember my name. I’m pretty bad with names of people that I’ve met one time a year ago. Awkward! Anyway, it was nice to know he is a friendly face that circles the neighborhood twice a day. It’s even better to know that he is someone that’s noticed that I’ve been absent. If if was yelling for help from the back yard, I’m pretty sure he would be the one to investigate.

It made me realize that everyone must think I died and mummified surrounded in the walls of Winterpast. Invisible, I have been cocooned inside during the winter months. The front yard is intimidating so I’ve been avoiding it. Whatever it becomes will be on me. I have some ideas about important features I’d like to see, but, the finished look hasn’t popped into my brain.

I’m considering something that will make every REAL gardener wince.

FAKE GRASS.

Yes. It’s true. I may move to the dark side and have fake lawn installed in the front yard only. In this day and age, fake lawn looks very realistic. It uses zero water and lasts for years. Just hose it off occasionally, and all is good. No mustangs eating up the greenery. No poop on the grass. Just a nice looking lawn that needs no care. I do have trees and bushes in the front yard that still need water. Winterpast needs some front yard greenery. Desperately. Stay tuned for the final decisions, yet to be made.

In the back yard, spring is busting out all over. My friend got the water running and plants that I never noticed last year are blooming. Tulips are almost finished. Dahlias are emerging. Iris are making a run at their show. The Peonies are all growing. The established plants are quite tall, while the newbies are a little more hesitant. But, they are all sprouting.

Blueberry buds are swelling. The new raspberry plant is going crazy. All the fruit trees are in bloom just in time for a spring rain that will fall today and tomorrow. The blackberry plant is unhappy. Today, I need to move it to another location.

I’d forgotten how much I love being outside. My skin is turning brown, healthy and glowing. Being out in the back yard is my happy place. Sunshine eliminates depression, and is necessary for our bodies to produce Vitamin D. Win. Win. If I never left the grounds of Winterpast again, I’d be quite happy. Without news from the outside world, I write and enjoy memories of my formerly frenzied life. My God Mother had it right when she told me to “Practice Lazy”. Although I’m not lazy in my actions, my mind is in a lazy trance of comfortable tranquility. The best kind of vacation you can take anywhere.

I must run. Spring cleaning may get put off until fall. But, there is a lawn to mow and hot tub in which to relax. Whatever you do today, make it lovely.

Praise God, Hot Fudge Sundae, and the Pawn Shop

My town is quirky in a really wonderful way. Never knowing who you will run into, or what they may do, it is always fun to explore. In recent explorations, I’ve found some very interesting people indeed. Adding to the services in town, they also qualify as seasoned characters in a great novel. I’m taking notes and sharing a small bit with you today.

I’ll start with the ice cream man. Burt. He is the owner of Burt’s Butter Pecan. All the ice cream in his shop is handmade. He is very proud of this, as he should be. The town folk show up at his counter every evening after the dinner dishes are put away. He stays open until 9 PM, making sure that everyone who wants a scoop gets one.

Last year, the day VST and I put in the offer on Winterpast, VST wanted some ice cream, so we stopped. That day, the shop was empty except for Burt, who was happy to fill us in on the great points and short falls of our town. Burt came to our town more than a decade ago, and settled in this wide spot in the road. He sees all and knows all. His ice cream is the best I’ve ever tasted. Every scoop comes with a sweet memory of an old couple celebrating the purchase of their last home, Winterpast. With Burt’s New York City accent and blunt way of speaking, you just know your visit with him will be interesting.

Then, there is Movin’Dirt Douglas. He runs an excavation business, helping people move rocks here and there. In the high desert, you need someone with a tractor to move decorative rocks. Sand. Rocks. More sand. More rocks. One good thing is that there’s no shortage of landscaping material. Douglas also owns Dirty Douglas Pawn Shop. If you need to find a firearm or old saddle, his shop has these treasures and more. Douglas can show you whatever you may need, while replacing watch batteries, while telling you about the town. After all, he graduated from high school here and knows everyone.

Which is how Douglas became a City Councilman, helping to make major decisions for the town. Everyone wears many hats in a small place. Some just happen to be covered with blowing dust and desert skin tanned like leather.

My newest friend, I met last week when T and K were here to celebrate VST’s Heaven-er-sary. We had decided that to honor VST, we would buy a gun. But, they’re in short supply these days. The high desert is a good place to have them. You never know when you might be stranded and need a little self protection. To call this the Wild West is correct. One should never forget that people who want to disappear do so in the high desert. Protection is smart and necessary, as a policeman could be 30 minutes away. That is the fact when living somewhere remote.

There are plenty of fun places to target shoot safely, and target shooting is really fun. If you own a gun, you must know how to shoot it safely. A responsible gun owner has attended gun safety classes and obeys the rules. You also need to know how to care for it. If you’ve never been shooting, don’t judge. It is one of the most fun things I’ve ever done. Nothing dies. The only thing ending up with holes is paper targets.

As I was purchasing some ammunition at the hardware store, a gentleman told me of a new gun store in our little town. Make a right in front of CVS, go down to the bend in the road, turn right at the gravel road, go 1.2 miles past the growling dog and the “Eggs For Sale” sign, and on the left there would be a sign identifying the house. We did just that and met Craig, the Gun Guy.

Shy, reserved, and seasoned, Craig knows everything there is to know about every type of gun there is. His selection was wonderful, cleaned, and displayed on gun racks. There, he had two brand new target shooting guns. There is now an empty space where they sat. As Craig filled out the Federal background check and bill, we continued visiting.

It turns out Craig is the Baptist Minister for the little church next to the hardware store. I have passed the church many times always thinking I would like to visit this little country church. Now that I know the minister, I’ll do just that. Being a man of God, he gave us best wishes and prayers for a meaningful day of remembrance of our sweet guy.

As we were leaving, he reminded us that we were always welcome to come for fellowship. Yes, my town has the most fun type of people. Not stuck in one stereotype, people here are fluid types, because they need to be. In the desert, you need to have survival skills while being a bit of a Bad Ass. But, most of all, you need to be ready to meet and embrace new friends. Now, what will I wear next Sunday?

Analytical Thinking Foils A Crisis

Why, oh why, can’t I be an analytical thinker. Maybe, in some ways, I am and just don’t see it in the moment. But, for problem solving, I immediately go to the worst case scenario. In the case of Winterpast, that would be brown, barren soil with the remains of trees and plants void of green life. All water gone forever, the yard would become a headstone to former owners who knew what the hell they were doing when it came to gardening.

My front yard is almost in that state. I wonder what the neighbors think when they walk by the front and see the lack of plants. It’ll be planted again, I have just been fretting about the back. Specifically, the sprinkler system.

Then my analytical friend arrived on the scene.

It seems the controller for all emitters along the back perimeter had died a natural death over the winter. Sad but true. Nothing lasts forever, and this “Toro” bit the dust. It was interesting to watch testing of all electrical inputs and outputs, skillfully performed and analyzed. The first point of business was to purchase and install a new one. Done and done.

No Water, still.

I could see the plants dropping more. Trees that are blooming need extra water to assure a good fruit set. They struggled last summer, so this added stress wasn’t helpful. Cherry, apple, jujube, blueberries……. mournful under the high desert sun.

My friend then went into action. I’m sure the neighbors were laughing as they listened to our bantering. So natural, we just went into typical Man/Woman speak. Being great friends, some of the conversation was too the point, and less than polite. Both of us being thick skinned, it was all the more real, with a dose of attitude on both sides.

“Get the wrench.”

“Which wrench?”

“Not the crescent wrench.”

“The adjustable wrench?”

“No, the wrench.”

Finally producing a plumbers wrench, the next request.

“Get the screwdriver.”

“Phillips or flat?”

“A nut driver.”

The experience drove us both a little nuts, and I had to remember that politeness is still something I need to work on, especially if I intend to have any friends. I guess you could say it was a trying experience, that in the end, produced water.

It seems I have a broken valve that is buried deep in ground. Far deeper than my farm worn shovel could reach. I’ll need to call a plumber to fix that in the weeks to follow. But, the water crisis was averted with ingenuity that comes from analytical thinking.

I now have working water. Would I have been able to muddle through the process with the same outcome?

Absolutely not. That is a resounding NOOOOOOOO.

Would the process have cost hundreds of dollars? Affirmative.

As a woman alone, it’s hard for me to admit that I am not Superwoman with all powers necessary to allow me to reach tall buildings with a single bound. I’m just an un-analytical girl who isn’t very strong. Still cute, but quite bitchy at times. Grateful, but envious of someone that can fix a sprinkler system and make the plants happy.

My super powers lie elsewhere.

Going along this journey of life, we all need to remember to ask for a little help once in awhile.

Happy Gardening!

Thank You For Understanding

Today is a day for reflecting. In light of the funeral of Prince Phillip, the recent shootings, and the trial of George Floyd, I need to pause and work in the garden.

If you have a need to read, take time and enjoy my past blogs.

I will return tomorrow. Do something a random act of kindness today. The world needs it.

Joy

Holes In The Ground, Spiders, And Other Unsavory Stuff

Water at Winterpast equals life. And life is blooming right now. Or trying to, anyway. Fifty foot hoses are at the ready to deliver water to any struggling bushes or trees. Two, not one, automatic sprinkler stations watch the time for me, delivering much needed drinks to my yard. At least, one half of my yard.

Automatic sprinkler systems can lull you into a false sense of security that everything is getting a drink. You see the lawn getting water and smile. How lucky you are not to find it necessary to water each tree to the minute. Because, of course, the SYSTEM will do it for you.

Well, my SYSTEM has failed me on a few points. Today is the day of reckoning, as my new friend is on the scene to provide another person to find the source of the problem. Diagnosing problems is something he does very well. Me, not so much. Heck. There is only one problem right now. No water along the perimeter of my property with resident plants drooping as the hours of sunshine lengthen.

Peonies, with their front row seats next to my living room view are quite happy, although maybe a little too wet. Their alien sprouts are moving heavenward. These plants are the most odd I’ve ever grown. If you haven’t had the experience of growing them from a bulb, do so. From the emerging sprouts, to the tennis-ball-shaped buds, to the tissue-paper-flower like blooms with their beautiful fragrance, they are a flower not to be missed. Mine are right on time as they say “Hello” to 2021.

Yesterday was a day of reviewing the layout of the sprinkler system with an analytical person next to me. The main shut off, drains, solenoids, wires, and mother-ship-brains of the operation, the control panels all faced inspection. Winterpast has two very nice panels that control everything. One of them is a Bird-In-The-Rain brand. Very beautifully marked and easy to use. Right in the garage in plain sight. Easy to adjust and maintain.

The other, is NOT a Bird-In-The-Rain, but rather a Charging Bull Station. In the RV barn, it’s easy to forget, which I did last year with my perimeter plants taking a hit last year. Not being sure when the problem started, a problem there is and we we’ll be on the hunt for answers and fixes today.

My friend pointed out that one must look backwards sometime to find the source of a problem. Elimination of each possible cause must be examined and ruled out, until the problem can be solved. I really just want water and will be along for the ride. I’m a wonderful “Go-For” girl.

The quest involved opening up boxes in the earth holding numbered pipes, wires, and lots and lots of spiders. In one box, there is something large that used to be moldy. Neither my friend or I really want to investigate that, but, today, it must be removed. EWWWWWW.

To say that his presence is an overwhelming JOY is putting it mildly. So many days, I go to bed, immediately falling into deep sleep from sheer exhaustion. The cause? The constant demands of Winterpast, an unrelenting master. One half acre is equivalent to 21,780 square feet according to Google. Yes, I WAS a teacher. No, math WAS NOT my best subject. Hence, I write a daily blog and am not a up and coming scientist.

21,780 square feet is equivalent to taking care of 10 of my houses, in addition to the house I do take care of. Every inch can be covered with leaves, or weeds, or broken sprinklers, or any number of things. One space could have an invasion of toads, while another is gasping for water, while another is suffering under a pile of mustang poop. The jobs are endless around here, and multiplying every day.

As K pointed out while we were soaking in the spa, “There is so much to do. But, there is so much to do.”

Understanding that, one needs to understand that without the necessary care of Winterpast, by now, I would either have written my 20 novel, or be a very, very bored person. Gardening is second only to writing in my world. Gardening and writing represent life for me. Water is necessary for the life of my garden in the high desert.

Best-est Friend taking the lead, today will be a fun one. Budding fruit trees give the yard a fancy feel. The new bird house and watering can I found yesterday at the hardware store will find their Place in the yard. I have more plants to pot and more pots to plant. My garden is a happy place, ripe with possibilities for beauty.

Find a problem today and follow it to the source. Analytical thinking uses an important part of our brains, redirecting worry and sorrow into something productive. Enjoy spring!! Go water something!!!

If Only We Could Keep Time In A Bottle

Oliver is back home where he belongs. He had a great time at puppy camp, returning home a wee bit more sensible and a whole lot smellier. First order of business was a bath in Hawaiian Hibiscus Bubblicious Puppy Wash. Oliver loves his bath, so this was a real treat for both of us. I could tell the puppy camp smell was bothering him, too. Being the cutest dog in the world, he is even cuter when wet. His hair curls and he just loves being clean. His personality just makes me smile, unless he’s being destructive, and then, not so much. Since the soak and suds, he’s been sleeping . Puppy camp can be exhausting when working the entire time. He did lose some weight, so I know he had a blast running, jumping, and swimming. Next time, I will increase his daily meals, knowing he has lots of friends to play with. I remember his shy behavior when we picked him up from the parking lot of Atlantis Casino in the resort town near us. The breeder had been delivering another puppy on Christmas morning, and was kind enough to bring Oliver with him so we could make our decision. Such a timid and shy little guy he was at only 4.5 months old. He weighed 12 pounds and snuggled against me quickly. That decision took seconds to make. He was our puppy. Hard to believe that this bold, 25 pound dog is the same one. Looking at how he’s bloomed and changed, it reminds me of myself. Even down to the way I wear my hair, I’m no longer that 2020 version of a scared woman-child, shaking in my own boots. As I have grown stronger, so has Oliver. We are a team, the two of us. Whenever I go into the RV barn, Oliver is right by my side. I think he wonders when we’ll take the next trip. A trip like we used to go on. The long ones in the Winne-Bark-Oh. The one where we’d go to the beach and walk on the pee-ier. The one when Dad was still here. That kind of trip. This morning, in a fit of wistful thinking, I went to look at an RV lot in the next town over. I went inside a smaller version of what we used to own and wondered if it would be small enough for me to drive. Thirty feet of motor home is very intimidating, so I never drove ours. After VST died, I couldn’t even enter the the space without breaking out in hiccup-py tears. It was sold, complete with all our ghosts and memories. So, my RV barn is empty. How fun it would be to have a small rig for running to see CC or my other friends in the foothills of California. I could stay in the driveway of K or T like we did when VST drove. The fun I could have. The reality is there is no magic way to keep time in a bottle. No magic wand to erase the fact that I’m a 65 year old woman with zero mechanical skills. That the road between here and there will be tough enough to navigate in the Jeep without Oliver. Those beautiful days with VST are now great memories, but memories that happened long ago. There is the small fact that the motor home I looked at sported a price tag of $165,000. With that, I smiled and headed across the high desert back to Winterpast . Memories are a great thing. You can remember the good times. The laughs. The sighs. The sweet nights. And forget the normal parts of RV-ing with a husband. If you have been there and done that, you know to what I refer. I need not say more. Open your bottle of memories once in awhile and let time stand still. It feels great to know those wonderful things really happened. We were there. They happened to us.

I’m Read Everywhere, Man!

Writin’ my life to save my soul on a desert’s Nevada road,

A friendly stranger came around to share apple pie ala mode.

If you’re goin’ to stick around for awhile and keep me satisfied,

You can sit and listen while I write all about my sad old life.

He asked me if I had been alone long, in my house on dust and sand

And I replied I ‘d lots of friends, “I’m read everywhere across this land.”

I’m read everywhere, man.

I’m read everywhere, man.

Wrote in the desert’s bare, man.

Of troubles I’ve had my share, man.

I’ve cried in the mountain air, man,

Of troubles I’ve had my share man.

I’m read everywhere.

I’m read in

Belgium, Australia, Brazil, Czech Republic,Bangladesh, Canada, China, Indonesia, Bosnia, Egypt, Germany, Lithuania, Denmark, India, Ireland, Saudi Arabia, Finland, Hungary , Malaysia, Netherlands, United Kingdom, Virgin Islands, and France.
Fans, they’re readin’.

This new friend now listened, quiet, while country names raced off my lips.

Bushy eyebrows raised a tiny bit, while on me he quite transfixed.

With grief this gard’ner told my tale, death’s horror never rang truer.

He listened awhile, at him I gazed; his eyes, bluer and bluer.

I’m read everywhere, man,

I’m read everywhere, man,

I’ve cried in the mountain air, man.

Of troubles I’ve had my share, man.

I’m read everywhere.

I’m read in

France, Greece, Japan, Jordan, Hong Kong, Korea, Mauritius, Moldova, Morocco, North Macedonia, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Russia, Romania,Serbia, Singapore, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Sweden, Taiwan, Turkey, Ukraine, United States, Uruguay, Vietnam. Everywhere, and there, the fan’s, they’re readin’.

I’m read everywhere, man. I’m read everywhere.

He started reading, he now hooked. I, on display, an open book.

Two months pass, friendship grows each day, two hearts liking each other’s ways,

The stories real with Winter past, new tales to write are coming fast.

For all my friends around the world, You mean so much to this old girl.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the 6900 readers that have taken time to support me in my writing. Your sweet comments have made me realize I AM a writer. This has made my life long dream come alive!!! If I have missed your country, please send me a comment and let me know.

I send my love to you and all your beautiful countries. Joy

A special tip of my gardener’s hat to Johnny Cash who inspired this piece.

Night Sounds Soothe My Soul

Quiet moments of the night are sometimes deafening, especially when living alone. During the day, our visual, tactile, and olfactory senses rule our kingdom. Sounds are often drummed out by the stroke of the softest fur of our beloved pet, or the smell of a peony bloom. There are so many things bombarding us that very simple sounds lose their importance. At night, everything changes. In my world, with the advance of the hour hand, the night sounds rule my queen-dom.

Each place I have ever loved has sounds all its own. From the crashing waves of the Central Coast of California, to the silence during my very first snow storm in the foothills outside Yosemite. Late night sounds of RV’ers finding their spot for the night; big rigs rumbling and growling to a stop. Soft voices setting up camp. Loud voices still fighting from the trip. Some sounds are so strange, they bring me right up from the deepest sleep.

Night in the vineyard we farmed for 17 years was full of sound. Coyote pups yelping for their mom. Her distant reply resonating from the San Joaquin River. Sirens in the night, screaming their need to get somewhere to help. And fast. Cat’s scrapping and yowling during an act of unrequited love. Cattle and sheep talking when everyone else was asleep. VST, with his bass snore sleeping soundly next to me, in our little patch of heaven on earth.

Virginia City had sounds that were comforting as they came up the hill to the Dunmovin house, through the deck doors, and landing in our ears. St. Mary’s Cathedral bells chimed on the hour. The 12:00 noon siren atop City hall alerted us all that the day was half done. Visitors would often wonder about the purpose of the siren. But, VC has her own ways. The siren was one.

The V & T Railroad with her tracks leading into town sent a forlorn whistle up Mt. Davidson as she rolled in and out of town. The steam engine, the only one VST found worthy of riding, had a voice all its own. Rich and full of the blackest smoke, she reminded us of her comings and goings.

Booms of the fireworks on the 4th of July jolted our hearts. The fiercest winds rolled through the canyons, sounding like a brand new kind of freight train, as they sometimes reached 50 mph before striking the side of the house. Through all the night sounds, there’s always been comfort to be found.

After VST left, the sounds changed in my world. Sounds in the dark became more urgent. Some sounds needed the cloak of night to emerge. Sad, wailing sounds somewhat like a wolf’s wail, calling for her lost mate. The sleeping sounds of one lonely widow, breathing quietly and dreaming of days gone and love lost.

Winterpast has provided me with a new soundtrack in which to find new dreams. The California Zephyr Train whizzes through my town making clackety-clack-zoosh-zoosh-zoosh-ding-ding-ding sounds along the way. In the night, the sounds make the train seem like I could lie in wait and stow away. The rumbling of the freight trains seems to go on for hours, usually causing me to fall asleep far before the sounds stop.

Big rigs rumble along I-80, as I dream about the days that I, too, used the corridor to the East on which to journey. Wyoming is just a short 3 days by big rig. Wide open plains that stretch your mind and heart to the limit. A place so magical, my heart yearns to return there for a proper Goodbye.

Dogs talk during the night. If you really listen, you can almost understand the conversation. Some barks come with question marks, while others are an obvious reply. Once in a blue moon, the clip-clop of a lone mustang comes down my road. With a whinny, they look for their herd, usually just around the corner. The occasional owl is asking “Who” . In the earliest morning hours, before sunrise, the doves rise and clatter over the fireplace vent on the roof while singing, first two soft coo-oo’s, followed by three louder ones.

Roosters crow and garbage trucks rumble.

The nights that keep me awake are the ones in which my own heartbeat is the only sound heard. Just the rthymic thump of a woman alone. A woman aware. A woman awake. A woman at peace.

Night sounds are different for every place I’ve ever lived. A comfort I find in my new days of womanhood.

Sorry, We’re All Out!

Some days, I just need to enjoy new scenery. After working on the yard for hours, I decided a dinner out was just what I needed. The obvious choice of a dinner partner was Miss Firecracker, and after a quick text, we agreed I’d pick her up at 4 PM and we would head East to a bigger town down the road. Without really having a plan of where we would eat, we both decided a large-ish casino restaurant would have something to offer.

Spending time with Miss Firecracker is one of the things I enjoy most. As time has gone on, our friendship is one of my dearest. Her ideas and outlook on life are down-to-earth, and yet new and fresh. She has lived the fullest life, experiencing the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I can always count on her for a true evaluation of any situation. As she is the only person that has known me longer than a year in this new town, her opinions on matters hold weight. She is trustworthy. Coming from me, that means a lot.

The days here haven’t been typical spring days. At least in my limited experience. The skies have a haze to them that reminds me of days in the Central Valley of California. Distressing, to say the least. The lack of rain and abundance of pollen have taken the brilliant blue hue of the sky and paled it. I wish we would have some great winter rains. “Gully Washers” as VST would have called them. The kind that wake you up and make you look out the window, leaving the sky a brilliant blue in the morning. Right now, we are all out of rain.

Shopping at WalMart, yesterday, I noticed that many items are gone from the shelf. There are other changes in our store. There is now an entire section on survival gear of all kinds. An interesting change in these days of uncertainty. Bags of survivalist food took up an entire shelf. Straws that purify water, and other crazy items now hang, ready for the next onslaught of customers wiping the shelves clean. People are very worried that soon, everything will be “All Out” as we have experienced already. Vendors are playing on our fears, big time.

When living in Virginia City, elevation 6200 ft., I learned early on that preparation for the unknown was essential. In the winter, it could mean your life. In the winter of 2017, snow-mageddon, left us with over 12 feet of snow behind our house. People living in the mountains above us were stranded for 10 days, with no help from the outside world. The National Guard came with bulldozers and dump trucks to remove the excess snow, pushing it over the cliffs. We were nestled in, with plenty in the cupboards to tide us over.

Prepping has been something I’ve always done, having lived in remote areas since 1990. Going to the store from the ranch involved a 30 minute drive. In the mountainside below Yosemite, the drive was 25 minutes. You learn it’s best not to forget things on your list, because they’ll need to wait until the next time. Winterpast is stocked for a two week quarantine for any reason. That’s the way I roll.

Getting back to last night, I was looking forward to a small salad. Dieting is in full swing and going well. The thought of going backwards and consuming carbohydrates is distressing. So, a plain salad was what I would order. A successful weight watcher plans these things in advance. So, I had it all in my mind. Salad and a cup of coffee. That would do nicely.

The first disappointment was that “Moo-ve It On Over Steakhouse” was closed. Many people were coming to the casino for Sunday night dinner. We we’d all be disappointed. The second choice, after our 30 minute drive East, was the casino coffee shop. Clean, it looked in disarray with chairs sitting atop tables that were out of use due to Covid. Our state isn’t 100% open yet. Every table that could have guests did.

With ice tea and coffee on our table, the waitress asked what we would like for dinner. Excited to enjoy a tasty salad, I ordered the BLT Salad. It fit Keto requirements perfectly and sounded yummy. It was then she burst my bubble.

“Sorry, We’re All Out.”

This is the same as saying we’ve no water, or condiments, or silverware.

No salad.

The shipment hadn’t come in. It might be there tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday. No tellin’ when the shipment would arrive. This led me to think of the condition of the greens when they DID arrive. Dismal.

After a 30 minute drive, I ordered two eggs and two strips of bacon, ala carte. A long way to drive for a very simple meal.

The was worth its weight in gold. Miss Firecracker and I stayed long after our food was gone. Chatting about life and the fact that she is moving away to be closer to family. We talked about Bailey’s and Creme, (her late husband),and VST. We talked about dating when we were young, and dating now that we aren’t. We talked and talked, the conversation delicious and something she and I will keep to ourselves because that’s what Bestie’s do.

So, if you see a head of lettuce today, you might pick it up and take it home. Ice berg lettuce, although having very little nutritional value, will at least give you the base for a salad if you desire one. It lasts in the fridge longer than some other kinds.

In fact, make a list and stock up. You just never know when you’ll hear those dreaded words, “Sorry, We’re All Out.”

Spring’s Here, Just Add Water!

The garden of Winterpast are waking to spring. Yesterday was the first full day I found time to wander the gardens while pondering what new plants will thrive there. With the cherry tomatoes in place, and the three new 1/2 wine barrels looking sharp, it’s time now to address the drip system.

The amazing thing about gardening is that seeds and bulbs lie dormant for the winter. They are at the very least plain, and often, ugly. If you didn’t know what you were looking at, you would insist the bulbs might be a rotting piece of bark. And yet, they produce the most glorious blooms. Dahilias the size of dinner plates. Peonys, as you already know, come in the most beautiful shades of pink, from the most pale to bright pink. Even rose bushes look quite dismal in the winter. Just sticks with thorns.

I feel just like the peony tubers, ready to burst forth with new life. The possibilities for this year are endless, and I plan to explore all my opportunities while growing into my own skin more each day. I hadn’t realized how much I was dreading the one year anniversary of VST’s death. But at the same time, it became a milestone and marker of the growth I have made as a person. I am blooming in my life, with roots that have grown deep in the last year. I am thriving as a woman, which is the best feeling ever.

The springtime weather has brought sweet little leaves out of the thorny sticks. I spent part of the day grooming them by removing the dead wood. Wearing my heavy leather garden gloves, it felt nice to sit on the path and carefully trim off death. Giving them the proper nourishment of rose food, I can’t wait to enjoy their blooms.

Two doves reside in Winterpast’s massive apricot tree. The pruning over the years has left this tree resembling an island banyan tree. Last year, the crop was light. I would assume that will be the case this year, as the late snow covered the tree with its tender pink blossoms. The tree, itself, is lovely, even if barren. Last year, it surprised me with two dozen apricots, so tasty. I’m hoping for a late bloom, and a bigger crop this year.

As I worked in the gardens, I started evaluating the sprinkler system. It’s like diagnosing the circulatory system on an aging patient. When I moved in last year, the water was already on. With only seventeen days of widowhood under my belt, I really didn’t watch which trees were getting water and which were not. Now, I realize that some damage was done last year with my neglect. I have promised the angels of Winterpast that I will do better this year.

Being alone, it is a tedious task to turn on a watering station and find out to where the water is flowing. So far, I have found where Oliver has been a busy beaver. Like little fountains, emitters are missing here and there. Ollie and I will chat about this when he returns, and he’ll need to understand it’s not a good thing to mess with Mom-Oh’s emitters. For now, I just need to open the repair kit and get busy.

Water makes everything in life better. Living in the high desert, the precious stuff isn’t cheap. But, the green oasis of Winterpast is my retreat and holiday all rolled up into one. With a daily shot of water, anything grows here, although the season is shorter.

Tending the garden, I’m so grateful to the previous owners who had the vision to create this beautiful place. Drip emitters placed just so, water hasn’t been wasted on paths or areas covered with gravel. The plants that need water are receiving it and thriving. It took patience and love to create Winterpast. To tend to her needs is an easy task that I can accomplish.

Slowly, my yard art is coming out of the barn to be set around. Lawn furniture, placed inside to avoid the affects of the harsh winter, are outside now. Even the garden gnome is watching over the back of the house. Winterpast is at her finest in the spring and summer, when blooms and leaves adorn her.

May through September will be a time for friends, BBQ-ing, and soaking in the hot tub. For cool crisp mornings and starry nights. Winterpast, again, will host laughter and friendship. I hope that your yard gives you as much pleasure as I get from mine. Have you named it yet? Every good friend needs a name. Winterpast is the best kind of friend. Just sayin’.

Step Right Up! Get Your Garden Plants Here!!!

Forget fancy-schmancy department stores full of the newest spring fashions. No pinks and pale blues. Hold the fancy nail polish or just-so makeup. Give me the garden center every time. Jewelry? Not for this gal. Skirts and dresses? Not so much. Shorts, tees, a tan, and tall bottle of water. Spring is here.

Yesterday, I was out and about, enjoying Day 1. I had a blast. It had been so long since trotting over to the Garden Center to look at the 2021 blooms. Freshly delivered plants were waiting for me, with the most delicate little blooms already present. They leaped into my basket, filling it right away. Growing for this year, I bought new geraniums in pink and red, cherry tomato plants, and a variety of annual blooms. Six very large and heavy bags of soil came along for the ride. I am set to plant.

The sweetest young woman was my garden associate, scanning the little bar codes to give me my final total. She was different than most associates. Gently she picked up each plant, careful to protect the very tender leaves. Gingerly, she set them back down in the cart. I think she was a plant whisperer, reminding each young sprout to grow the most beautiful flowers for me. It was fascinating to watch her work, reminding me that flowers bring out the best in everyone. In fact, flowers are an essential part of life.

Crocus poke through the snow in the last days of winter, surprising us with color. Flowers are necessary at weddings and the union of two lives into one. They are necessary to celebrate the beginning of spring and long, lovely summer nights. With their healing qualities, they help those who are recovering. Fall flowers are surely necessary to say goodbye to summer fun. Flowers soothe a grieving heart when loss occurs. All in all, they are just plain magical.

With extra water being applied to the greening lawn, I feel at home in the safe back yard of Winterpast. It’s strange. A year ago, I was still living at the Dunmovin House in Virginia City in deep despair. This year, here I am. Happy, thriving, and focused on my garden. When I think of the journey so far, I smile. It’s taken a strong chick-a-dee to weather the storm. Strength that I didn’t know I had, but was glad that I found.

Hoisting the heavy bags of soil onto the dolly and rolling them into the back yard, life surrounded me. The breezes of the high desert whipped the American flag back and forth. T and K surprised me with a new flag pole the day of VST’s memorial. It is a lovely addition to my home, making me feel happy just to be an American.

The new tomatoes are snuggled in. There is nothing in this world as delicious as cherry tomatoes. I could eat a bowl of them for dinner every night. I hope the birds don’t find them as delicious as I do. I will be hovering over them until the first blooms produce my 2021 crop.

Have a wonderful day with whatever you decide to do. Choose happiness. Grab a little sunshine, increasing your natural levels of Vitamin D. Breathe some fresh air, and find something to smile about. Better yet, just laugh a little bit. It might become a habit!!!!

What Beauty Awaits Just Around the Bend?

This is the first day of the rest of my life! What challenges and rewards await, I can only imagine. No one could have ever prepared me for the last 365 days. Now, I find myself on Day 1. The birds are singing in the trees of Winterpast. Temperatures are rising and will hover at the perfect 70 degrees for at least a week! This gardener is getting her game on and getting outside.

The first thing I’m tackling is the water system. Winterpast is draped with at least 25 miles of drip systems running off two controllers. That might be a small exaggeration, but there are drippers everywhere. Under normal circumstances would last for at least a year. But, in my situation, we have the small tornado named Oliver. He happens to find emitters as lovely as creamy caramel, and quietly removes a couple here and a couple there. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to turn the water back on. I promise you, I will breathe deeply when I find the damage created by this little dog.

Winterizing the water system last fall fell to the able muscles of the gardener, but this year, I wanted to tackle it myself. I started at the end of the line, closing drains, just as I had observed. Finding success, I made it all the way to the main valve. Drat. Again, it is something I’m not strong enough to accomplish. Sometimes you just need to admit defeat and wait for someone with more muscles. Thankfully T will handle that one for me.

For the next few days, Oliver is finding company at Puppy Camp with his friends. With T and K visiting for a few days, and the celebration of VST’s heaven-er-sary, I thought it best for him to take a little break and go have some fun. He’ll be back next week.

Last week, I started planting my Peonies while Oliver was present. Devious and observant, he hangs back in the shadows watching the very things Mom-Oh shows interest in. Iris plants, peonies, rose bushes, solar lights, drip emitters. He just lays on the cool cement and watches. As soon as I go in for a refreshing drink he hits them like a shark. He sniffs every single thing I’ve touched and makes notes. He plots his attacks carefully and I can be sure some things will be his target.

Wine barrels, cut in half, have made their way to the back yard. Today, I’m planting strawberries, asparagus, potatoes, and rhubarb around the yard. T, K, and I will hit the garden center to find new additions, and Winterpast will have new color. There’s just nothing better than tending a yard. It brings peace and comfort to my soul.

If gardening is new to you, start with a big pot and try a geranium plant. They are pretty hard to ruin, and they come in beautiful pinks and reds. Geraniums remind me of Barstow Elementary School, where I attended Kindergarten through Fifth grade. Barstow was built long before I was born, making it ancient. The caretaker of the school lived on the property, making sure the lawn was watered and the leaves raked. One of the flowers planted around the playground were geraniums. One brush across the leaves reminds me of days of school polio vaccines and nuclear bomb drills in which we would all duck under our desks and hold on. Makes me smile.

The mustangs are heading to higher country now. The snow is melting, leaving spring wildflowers and tender grass. The foals should be showing up about now, with their fluffy little tails and tiny hooves. For me, the garden is calling. The breezes are sweet with blooming sage under the bluest of spring skies. More tomorrow!!!!

I

Goodbye, My Love, Goodbye — One Year Gone

Song by Demis Roussos

Hear the wind sing a sad, old song

It knows I’m leaving you today

Please don’t cry or my heart will break

When I go on my way

Goodbye, my love, goodbye

Goodbye and au revoir

As long as you remember me

I’ll never be too far.

Good bye, my love, goodbye,

I always will be true

So hold me in your dreams

‘Til I come back to you.

See the stars in the skies above,

They’ll shine wherever I might roam

I will pray every lonely night

That soon they’ll guide me home.

Good bye, my love, goodbye,

Goodbye and au revoir

As long as you remember me

I’ll never be too far.

Goodbye, my love, goodbye

I always will be true

So hold me in your dreams

‘Til I come back to you.

Today marks one year ago that we said our final Goodbye. I miss you and think of you every day. Enjoy heaven. Remember me, your Darlin’. Mrs. H

A Mourning Goodbye During the Deepest of Sleeps

VST lay quietly on the bed, after hours and hours of struggling. His peaceful breathing was like that to which I had fallen asleep thousands of nights before, but different now. He was leaving on his heavenly journey alone, and very soon. Before the sun rose in our eastern-facing windows, this was my chance to wish him well on his journey. A time to quietly thank him for everything he’d done for me and our children from the moment he walked into my life on September 5th, 1987 until now.

Holding his hands in mine, I began to talk to VST, even though I knew he could no longer answer. Our eyes could no longer meet in all-knowing, non-verbal conversations. He could no longer pull me closer to give me a sweet kiss. The time had come to say Goodbye to the best friend a woman could’ve ever wanted. My VST was now slipping in a coma.

On April 1, while complaining of pain and needing meds, VST and I met with the Oncologist for our first and only time, receiving the devastating news. A cruel April Fool’s joke awaited us. Go Home. Live your BEST LIFE. No more doctor’s appointments. Hospice would be calling. Devastating cancer of the bile ducts. No effective treatments. Maybe two months left, at most. It was nice to meet us. Goodbye. Just like that, we were shuffled out the door, after filling out a ream of questions for the doctor in a hopeful state only minutes before. Nothing else to be done. No help to be found. No miracles. VST had already lived his best life.

Just weeks before that, we had made an offer on Winterpast, and accepted an offer on Dunmovin. Two months before, we had nursed each other through colds during our last Christmas together. Six months before that, we had been at the ocean, breathing in the fresh air and sniping at each other during silly spats. How I wish I could run the clock back and relive our days from the beginning. The further I went back through memories, more pulled me towards our beginning. I wanted to stay there, far from the last memories we were making now.

Speaking to VST in hushed tones, I poured out my heart and soul. Things needing to be said for years came tumbling out through my tears. At times, I was sure I felt slight pressure from his fingers held gently in mine. A slight movement from an eyebrow confirmed that he was listening intently. I appologized, lamented, complimented, remembered, memorialized, and pleaded. The two hours left me spent, empty, and exhausted. I had told VST everything left to share. My heart was torn open, and there was nothing left.

The minutes had raced through the second hour of my conversation with VST, as the sun finally peaked over Sugar Loaf Mountain. How many times sorrow had followed a sunrise just like that in Virginia City. Mining Accidents. Illnesses. Lost babies and mothers. Parents and grandparents. They all lay quietly at the cemetary, visible from our bedroom window. I could feel the comforting spirit of Virginia City, assuring me that VST would find peace. How I wished Virginia City wouldn’t be the one to keep my husband as I moved away from her beauty and into my own tomorrows.

VST and I had an intensely private and quiet relationship shared only with each other.
With whom would I share those deepest thoughts with now that he was leaving me? Who would understand with a simple look what I was feeling? Who would ever accept the complexities of a farm girl from the Central Valley of California? Difficult. Brazen. Foul mouth-ed at times. Brittle. Broken. Mourning so deeply for the death that would follow in mere hours.

With the sunrise complete, my tears subsided. There was truly nothing else to say or share with the man I had loved so completely for 32 years. He was free to go, and it was my job to make sure he knew he could do that at any time. Quietly, we sat together in our bedroom, as we had done on countless other mornings. Two people in love. Two people ready to start their day going in their own directions. Two people always returning to home and each other every night. Just two people. Soon to be one.

Later in the day, T and K arrived, shocked to find their dad in his deep sleep. There are no words for the sadness surrounding the three of us. There are no words for the comfort their presence brought to VST and me. Sometimes, at the gravest of moments, there are no words left, even for the best of writers.

With that being said, it means the world to me you followed me through this hell-ridden trail of grief. April 9th brings new focus to my blog. I’m now a gardener who has grieved. A woman first, one of thousands who experienced widowhood during Covid 2020. My blog needs to pick up and carry on, with focus on my days, rich with new stories and laughter. I hope you continue to tag along. The stories to come promise to be wonderful.

Thanks to everyone. Joy

One Night Through Hospice, When My World Did Tumble, I Felt the Devil Watching Over Me

Virginia City Hospice, Wild West Setting

City spirits know what the city is gettin’

The creme de la creme, in VST, stayin’

VC’s ghosts, on good fortune, a-bettin’

Time flies, doesn’t seem a minute

Since the Red Dog Saloon had us sittin’ in it.

All changed, now. Two scared people

Looking out the window. Prayin’ to the steeple.

Don’t you know, that when you lose

There’s nothing left, but the cryin’ to do?

Fresno. Biola. Coarsegold. This place.

Only memories now.

Hospice hits like mace.

Squarely in the face.

Nothin’ in his eyes.

Terror on my face.

One night in VC,

our world’s a disaster

Hospice bed sits

On a broken-legged caster.

VC’s gold nuggets ain’t free.

If you’re lucky, pack your things.

Grab your blessings, and flee

I can feel my angels movin’ away from me.

One town, very much like another,

When mourning the loss of a husband or father.

Tourists crowd this charade of a town

Right out our window, as we just look down.

VC’s here to witness hospice slavery,

The ultimate test of this girl’s bravery.

Death gripping me unlike any horror

I’ve ever seen.

One night in VC makes a hard woman humble.

Not much between despair and destiny.

One night in VC and the tough girl tumbles.

Can’t be too careful with your company.

I can feel the devil watching over me.

Dear God, I’m watching

Cancer

Control this scene.

This woman giving hospice just can’t be me.

Through the blackest night, I’m waiting.

Thoughts of my loss, devastatin’.

Giving Hospice to the sweet man I love.

Waiting for some comfort from the one above.

One night in VC made a hard girl humble

Not much between despair and destiny.

One night in VC made the tough girl tumble

Can’t be too careful with your company.

I felt the devil watching over me.

Angels now surround, I need no sympathy.

My Love True still lays next to me.

I can feel sweet Jesus watching over me.

(Joy Hurt –Hospice Night- Palm Sunday, April 5, 2020 )

(Inspired by “One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head)

The Curtain Stayed. He Couldn’t.

Hospice beds are the most atrocious, ugly, uncomfortable, and temporary pieces of furniture in existence. It seems so helpful that a hospital bed is offered at the beginning of the hospice experience. Something the average house doesn’t have or can’t afford, the offer of such a bed seems the one thing that is truly helpful. In our case, we should have been careful what we wanted. What showed up was not exactly great.

The bed entered our house in parts, chipped and well used. Exposed twin bed springs hooked to chipped and dented headboard and footboard, all rather loose and wobbly. The mattress was well used, which led to many thoughts of where it had just been and who had gone before. Lumpy and cardboard-like, it was wipeable. With Covid ramping up, it did make me wonder if the last occupant had been a victim of the new virus.

A masked delivery man cheerfully asked where the bed would be placed. All of this was going at such a fast rate of speed, I was glad VST could make this decision for himself. He went right to an Eastern facing window in our bedroom and smiled. Right there would be his spot. The bedroom, set above the garage, was suspended in air. From the window, there was 20 foot drop to the asphalt drive below. Looking out, Sugar Loaf Mountain stood in the middle of our 100 mile view to forever. The bedroom was surrounded in glass, with four big windows facing East and South and a glass door leading onto the suspended deck. It was the perfect spot for his bed because it was the one he chose. With just a little rearranging of furniture, his new bed was in position.

One thing that no one mentions is that these beds are delivered without sheets, especially in the age of Covid. Plastic coverings make for uncomfortable sleep. But, sleeping without sheets or blankets would make it impossible. Being alone on the mountain, I took Kingsize sheets and made them work. A light blanket become snuggly when folded in half. With a quilt on top, VST had a hospital bed.

Looking on, I wished he would stay in our bed, just inches from the new one. We’d decided we’d wait to purchase a new mattress until we made our move, so the old mattress stayed. In many ways, VST’s subpar hospital bed might just be more comfortable than the mattress I’d lay while watching over him. VST was not the clear and precise Dr. H I was used to conversing with. His thoughts were confused and clouded. But, one thing was certain. He was very happy about the placement of his hospital bed. It was one choice he could still make.

The view out the window would be a source of entertainment. Behind a half lowered shade, he could be covert in his observations of the daily activities of the neighbors and town. A tiny state highway was visible from the window, bustling with morning garbage trucks, or yellow school buses delivering children to school. St. Mary’s on the Mountain stood proudly next to the St. Paul the Prospector Episcopal Church. With the window open, the VC breezes would bring fresh air into the room. With the heating vent under the bed, VST would be warm on the chilly spring nights. The mountains, 100 miles away, stood like snow-capped ghosts. Somedays they were barely visible, on others, they disappeared. There was always something to look at from the windows of the Dunmovin house. Views that provoked deep, meditative thought, necessary and needed in the situation in which we found ourselves.

That night, I lay on his side of the bed to be closer to him, and he lay on his new bed, resting. It had been an exhausting day, both emotionally and physically. With the room rearranged to accommodate the new furniture, we were both tired. But, the body never stops and he had to get up to relieve himself. Without thinking, he grabbed the beautful, metal curtain stay we had chosen together when moving into our new home. With a tug, he was pulling himself up to stand.

“Hey, be careful. You could rip that out of the wall.”

Standing, he smiled.

“Impossible. I installed it.” It was one of the few statements that made him laugh the tiniest bit, and smile with pride.

I had to stop and ponder the truth in his statement. So true, VST. Anything you had a hand in building will be there long after we’re gone. Through the years, you found every stud in which to drill. You tightened every screw or bolt with the strength of 1,000 gorillas, as I used to tell you. No one would ever remove those curtain stays. At least not easily.

You prepared a beautiful home life for us, VST. You engineered the right construction with perfect angles, straight and true. You steered us on the best headings. You took my hand and made sure I stayed upright. Together, we were unstoppable, until you had to keep going alone, on a path of your own. I hope sleep on your heavenly bed is refreshing and peaceful these days. Wish you were here, but am at peace you are there.

Kind Words Mean So Much

I LOVE getting comments from my readers! I am still pinching myself that my blog is read around the world. I wonder who in Sri Lanka awakes my posts, being one of my night readers. Who are the Portland readers? Do they know each other and discuss me? My biggest hope is that each day, someone feels better reading my blog. That would make my day.

Strangers are just friends that haven’t yet met. Soon, I’ll be RVing around the country, looking forward to meeting readers from coast to coast! So, send me comments! I’ll put you on our route!

This time of year is the perfect time to reflect on life and the strength we all have to find new beginnings. The renewal of our faith and spirit is reflected in the happiness of Spring. New life is everywhere, and we can all try again!

I’m finding happiness with my new friend. We’ve known each other for 7 weeks, each day finding new and interesting things we like about one another. There isn’t a time limit for seclusion after widowhood begins. I feel so lucky to be enjoying days with my guy friend. I’m truly blessed.

So, if you feel inclined, please send me a comment and let me know what I can do to make my blog even better. Portland, you have quite a few readers there. I am wondering just what goes on in Portland!!! For for my foreign readers….. You make blogging mysterious and real for me. Please send me a Hello and let me know what you think.

As your prepare thoughts for today, remember that kind words have a way of healing so many ills in our world. I thank all of you for reading my words and sending me your thoughts in my writing, I am humbled by your kindness.

Happy Easter!!

Some Days A Guy Just Needs Ice Cream

Ice cream is a buzz word in our family. Growing up, summer ice cream was a staple at our house as Grandpa made the best vanilla ice cream known to human kind. With a slew of little kids around, he would simply mix up his secret recipe and then leave the rest to the grandkids. Each child would need to take 100 cranks at the icecream maker, counting loudly as they went along.

The process is what made the entire event so magical. In the first place, Grandpa would need to take a trip to a magical “Ice Machine’ in a dusty little village some minutes from his house. This was always a fun trip on which to accompany him. He, wearing his customary farmer overalls, would pile kids into the pickup. In those days, the excess kids might right along in the back. Yes. The open back of the pick-up. Funny, never I nor any friends ever blow out. We all made it to adult hood even without childhood seatbelts. Just amazing.

After we arrived at the “Ice Machine”, Grandpa would put a coin into a slot on the outside of this very rusty box, the size of a container. With a lot of noise and commotion, a tremendous block of ice would come shooting out. A big block of ice, 18″x18″x18″. I am talking a sizeable chunk of ice that Grandpa would hoist into the back of the truck with us. Back home we would roll.

In the shade of two huge mulberry trees, Grandpa would sit with an ice pick and chip away at the block. Sometimes he would use a hammer if we were getting to him a bit. But, in the end, the big block of ice was chipped into smaller pieces and we were ready to made ice cream.

VST knew, when the the chips are down, icecream can heal all wounds. It was in this frame of mind I remember him a year ago, today. VST was weary from all his procedures and lack of information about the source of his cancer. He continued to insist that he felt too good to be seriously ill, although the rest of us could see the toll the cancer was taking on our beloved VST. No longer the same in personality or looks, he was often confused, although always in a chipper mood. Our worrisome faces were something he couldn’t understand. We were all worry warts. We were asking him to go to the hospital for further testing. All he wanted was some ice cream.

We pleaded with him, asking him to find reason with our thinking.

He wanted Peanut Butter Chocolate.

We asked him to speak with his doctor.

Two scoops on a sugar cone.

We begged him to reconsider.

And sprinkles. End of story.

K and T took him for a quick trip to Carson City for Ice Cream that day. I stayed home in a bath of tears. Each day, he was slipping further and further away to a place I couldn’t go. Terrified, I cried and cried. But, in the final analysis, there was only one thing for sure, I was the one that got no ice cream.

I have my own ice cream maker now. There is no hand crank or need of many children to make it work. Plugging into the wall, it simply creates icecream in 40 minutes or less. It makes vanilla with a far simpler recipe than Grandpa’s. Although I can enjoy it under my Apricot tree, I am missing two magnificent Mulberry trees that still grow at the home place.

Ice cream. The food of champions. When life gets you down, have a cone, topped with whipped cream and sprinkles. One day later, it may be too late.

Educational Sabbatical in Nepal

Today is just a super day!!! I have so much good news I hardly know where to start!

I’m moving to Nepal!!!! YES!!!!! During some research about adopting a child from Nepal, I met a gentleman named Fravash. He owns a business in Kathmandu, and will come to visit me In-80 days!!!! I can’t tell you how happy we are, just hanging out doing nothing. He watches over his mother, who really doesn’t need much watching. She is spunky and happy, and they two of them make a great team.

Oliver just loves the thought and Fravash and I have decided that we need to start on our new journey together, so we are tying the knot on our planned mountain journey two weeks from now. Fravash and I are both fully vaccinated, and even more than that, we’ve already had Covid and are now totally immune. Yes. For Life. So, the Nepali trip will be amazing. Staying at his bungalow at the base of Mt. Everest , we plan to hike every day and eat way too much Momo, cooked by his staff of ten. Did I mention? He is Nepali royalty, so he inherited his estate and pays zero in taxes or dues. Even the help is free. 24/7, he has help with all his needs.

The staff has the exclusive on Kathmandu Katharoo Wine for the entire region. It’s all the rage. I wish I could try it, but, alcohol just doesn’t agree with me. His profits from the wine are outrageous. He just bought me a mink back pack! Can you imagine????

I’m in the midst of planting 35 trees in the gardens of Winterpast, in a variety of mountainous species. My new friend assured me that they will all grow in the high desert and they are arriving by boat next week. A staff of gardeners are accompanying the shipment to my high desert get away, and will plant them with the best Napali blessings they know how to give.

After the adoption is complete, we have lots of plans, one being to transform Winterpast into an interpretive center for those of Nepali descent. His mother and he are planning to move here after we return from our last planned ascent to base camp on April 24th. We are preparing a place for his pet monkeys, all 24 of them. He assures me they are not always as busy as they were when I first met them. I am surely hoping not.

I’ve also decided to go back to work teaching. I so miss the little rug rats and hope to teach Kindergarten this year. There is some enticing new Nevadan curriculum in which the American alphabet will be replaced with the Napali alphabet. So, with the interpretive center and all, it’s a time of great excitement. The Nevada governor called yesterday to discuss the plans further. I’m really excited about returning to the classroom.

I’ve trimmed 35 excess pounds and now taken up mountain biking, which is a hobby of Fravash’s. We regularly go for overnight rides through the mountains with mosquito netting, of course, my mink backpack. Just the way they do things in Nepal.

Along with all of this, I just sold my new book, “How to Marry a Rich Nepali Sherpa Dude in Ten Steps or Less.” Penguine Books snatched up the chance, after my blog reached 20,000 readers yesterday. With a hefty signing fee, I am off to look at new sports cars. Fravash refuses to ride in the little white Jeep anymore. Onward and Upward!!!!

With love in my heart, and a huge smile on my face, there is one more thing……………

April Fool!!!!!!!

Come back tomorrow for more of the REAL stories. J

Celebrating New Life In This Beautiful Season

This morning, the sun isn’t up yet. Today should be calm. A few days ago we had a blustery day on the high desert, with wind and dust warnings prevailing. Sand storms are no joke, with damage to windshields and paint jobs occurring in a flash. The nearby lake experienced 2-3 foot waves. The wind howled and Winterpast stood firm. Just another spring day in the desert.

Pollen alerts are rampant here. I thought people went to the high desert to avoid allergies. I guess not. The prominent culprits here are Mulberry. Ash, and Elm, with the levels being high right now. With the addition of the high winds, sneezing is on the rise. In this area, it really could just be seasonal allergies. The problem is, one doesn’t know, and so I remain in isolation.

More birds are moving into the gardens of Winterpast. There are little sparrows conversing with each other on the branches, while finches flit past, hurrying to new nests in the little bird houses. The robins have been out every morning pecking through the grass, while two doves walked about on the patio, having made note that I have no cats living with me. Last year, a brave little dove made a nest on the top of the ladder I had yet to put away in the barn. She made it through the entire ordeal, raising two new little doves in the process. The ladder sits there again, as I hope another dove might repeat the miracle.

The mustangs have been out and about, but new foals haven’t dropped yet. There’s nothing cuter than a wild mustang foal. Nothing more hardy, either. They are up and traveling with the herd in a matter of hours after birth. These herds travel miles and miles each day, never stopping for very long. You can pass a herd running an errand, and they will be long gone when you return. Happily, they are moving into the higher country now, leaving the streets and my neighborhood poop free for awhile. Wild horses do have their drawbacks.

Just a year ago, yesterday, VST and I traveled to town with K and T for his liver biopsy. There was no thought of baby birds, or springtime. VST slept on the way. The day’s procedure was the only way we’d know for sure what type of cancer he had. Without this information, we couldn’t be assigned an oncologist. With the beginning stages of Covid underway, only one person could go with VST into the hospital. It would be me that would keep him company until his procedure.

The strength and love T and K brought every visit was tonic for VST. For me, too. He would put on his best smiles for them, letting them know each time that he felt way too good to be really sick. He continued to tell us that until he no longer could speak.

Through all of this, VST had the strongest faith of anyone I’ve ever known. His belief in the miracles of spring and the powers of God gave him his strength. Watching him walk through cancer with such an uncertain and scary outcome was humbling and encouraging to me.

While T and K waited outside, VST endured yet another procedure. It was this test that would let us know what type of cancer he had in his very ill liver. In the end, the results of this procedure released VST from the need to complete any other tests. His cancer was in the end stage.

As I think of last year and the sadness that we all went through, I know now that VST was headed towards his new beginning. He never stopped celebrating life, even at his sickest. He never questioned his heavenly salvation or the hell that was his cancer. He simply lived every moment appreciating beauty in the smallest things. From that experience, I realize he knew a new beginning was just around the corner. Bright and sunny, on the wings of angels he would ride into the glory of the heavens.

Winter is past. Spring is here. April. This most beautiful month stole something precious from me, but gives back so much in return. At my lowest spot, bankrupt in many respects, I started on an amazing journey. Almost one year later, I am here, stronger and more resilient. With a deep faith in new beginnings, a second year starts. Life goes on that way.

Enjoy your beautiful spring day. Look for the smallest miracles. They surround us all. Look at the new life and rejoice! It’s spring!

Lessons Learned During a Long Journey

My, oh my. One year of memories weigh heavy in my heart. I hope the lessons learned in the next week are minor compared to those from the prior 11 months, 3 weeks. Never in my wildest dreams could I have predicted the horrible turn of events that came knocking last year. No one could. A schooling of a very cruel sort began in the winter of 2020, that of which I’d wish on no one.

A brittle twig will not bend. I learned there’s not a correct way to grieve. One needs to be flexible, just like my old apricot tree. When the winds come and blow away the leaves, there she is, shivering but strong. Although fierce winds blow, her branches remain strong as they move with the gusts. There were so many days full of plans that needed to slow to a snails pace, because I could go no faster. I would make the most fantastic scheudules, only to find that, when the day arrived, it was more than I could accomplish. Take for instance, the Beach House.

Months and months ago, I decided that I would spend VST’s Heaven-er-sary at our Central California Beach. The one at the RV park where we spent so many weeks between 2017 -2019. The cute little house and all her windows point to the Pacific Ocean. That little house would be mine for a week. From April 5-11, I’d enjoy the waves, while dolphins lept and sea birds dove.

When VST and I would visit this little town, we would head out on the pier to our secret resting spot. Benches line the pier, but there is one on which we would always sit awhile. Norm’s memorial bench. Norm, who would be well over 100 by now, was a great guy who was a friend to everyone he met. He had served on the school board with my dad, and his wife was my God Mother’s teacher in elementary school. Seeing who could get to the bench first, VST and I would sit and talk. It was there the ocean went crazy one day with a flurry of dolphins, whales, gulls and other sea birds. Every animal in the sea that day was in front of the pier, with the ocean churning in a frothy soup of activity. It was a breath taking show just for the two of us.

That bench represented a familiar face from the Central Valley. A farmer VST knew well. Someone who’s name was spoken often in my house as a child. A man so good that an elementary school was named after him. We always found it to be a beautiful place to think about things. Sometimes VST and Oliver would go and rest alone. I could see them from the rig, suspended over the breaking waves as they watched the surfers just below them.

As the weeks went by, I realized that to drive almost 500 miles in one day would be a lot for me to handle. Last week, I realized that to complete that trip was more than optimistic during a very emotional week. Sadly, I canceled. The drive was a factor, for sure. But going to the town that held so much delight for us on our visits on the one year anniversary of his death would prove to be too much stress for me at this time.

Learning to be flexible has been the biggest lesson. Through packing, moving, unpacking, and making a new life, I found that an inventory of core beliefs and values was necessary. Ways that things had been done in the past might need to be changed up. Just as I cleaned my closet, I had to purge my heart and start anew. Thank goodness the move occurred. So many friends worried about the choice of moving 17 days after VST’s death. There was no choice in the matter. The DunMovin House was sold. Winterpast was purchased. In the middle, there I was, between here and there. Between Widow and Woman. Suspended in a bridge of fog.

Accepting What Is. That was another big lesson. In the past year, I traveled through landscapes of different kinds.

The Bargaining Basement of Dispair, Shock and Denial. “If Only………. ”

The Forest of Pain and Guilt…….. “I miss him so much. If only I had…..”

The Ocean of Anger and Bargaining………”Why Me???? This isn’t fair……. ”

The Reconstructive Meadow of Working Through—-“This IS something I can do now…….”

The Spring Time Orchard of Acceptance and Hope. “What a beautiful life this is!”

Because, life IS beautiful and I’m so very blessed to have had a beautiful one so far.

Choosing Happiness. This has been the most fun lesson of all. Through this entire experience, on so many days, I would tell the mirror, “I can Choose sorrow and anger. Or. I can choose Happiness.”

There really is no good choice other than happiness. In the beginning, I’ll admit, there were days I needed to fake it until I could make it. But, in the end, who wouldn’t choose happiness for themselves and those around them. It’s all in how you pick something up and look at it. There is something positive to be gained from every situation, even the bleakest ones. And mine was pretty bleak.

I’m certain there will be more days when the bed seems like the best place to be. When just getting a cup of coffee will be a chore, or when I need the tissues close to dry my tears. But, there will also be days of celebration. I’m on my way to Year Two and the next year will be bright and promising. Full of new discoveries and adventures. Of that I am quite sure.

Here a Chick, There a Chick, Everywhere a Chick-Chick!

With Easter less than a week away, springtime is here. At R-Time Hardware, the babies have arrived. Chicks, ducklings, and even infant turkeys all chirp away on clean sawdust. Nothing brings a smile quicker than brand new baby chicks. Their fluffy little cuteness takes me straight back to childhood.

Being a red-neck country girl, the most exciting day on the farm was the one on which any baby animal arrived. Some arrived the usual way, found on a cold morning, steaming next to their mom. Baby bunnies wiggled, hidden under a cloud of their mother’s soft fur, prepared by her before their birth. Others came by special delivery. Such was the case when the chicks would arrive.

Each year, Dad would order 100 brand new chicks specifically to provide our yearly meat supply. I have no apologies, for I was raised on an organic farm before Organic was the word of the day. There were no pets, except the dogs, who worked for their meals. Everything that we ate as we grew up was fresh and from our bountiful garden or livestock pens. All the meat consumed was raised by my father, in between his other duties as a farmer. This included our meat chickens.

Chicks are delivered in groups of 100, sexed and boxed. Now, who sexes them is a mystery to me. You can’t tell a rooster from a hen in the beginning. Well, obviously someone can, but that wasn’t a skill I learned as a growing farm girl. Whoever did this was good, because from all my memories, there was never a rooster in the bunch.

Roosters can cause havoc in an otherwise peaceful and tranquil farm setting. In the coop, they can upset the hen house, for sure. They are noisey, and later in life, they can become dangerous. We never had such critters on the farm.

There are two versions of chickens one can choose. Those raised for meat and egg-layers. Dad never raised eggs, which was funny, because we certainly consumed enough of them as a family of seven. I guess Mom drew a line in the sand, refusing to add daily egg collection to her long list of chores.

After receiving the chicks, Dad would sit at the kitchen table and give each one a drink of water and a bit of food. He would observe their behavior while assessing their health. They would be transferred 25 at a time to the brooder, outside in the room sized chicken coop. Our brooder was 4 foot in span, and circular in shape. Under this, the chicks would be warmed by the light from a simple bulb. They could run in and out, but slept quietly at night under the warmth.

Baby chicks are very delicate. The change in water can make them sick. They get too cold. They can get too hot. They can forget to eat, or eat too much. Chickens, as a rule, are not the brightest animals in creation, so they need constant supervision to make it to two day old chicks. They are also a sought after taste treat for thieves, such as opossums, raccoons, hawks, or coyotes needing human protection.

Dad watched over these little guys as any nervous parent. Twice a night, he would go out to the coop to make sure everyone was nestled in and no one was sick or injured. With plenty of food, these babies grew to full grown chickens in six weeks. All at once. No stragglers. All babies were full size chickens in 42 days.

Over a week, and with the help of anyone who would, along with those of us that were forced, these chickens were transformed into packages of meat for the next year. This was no small task, and no quick job. The resulting meat was fresh and wholesome. Any of you that have had the opportunity to enjoy fresh chicken know what I mean. It ruins you for grocery store chicken from that point on.

Strolling by the babies at R-Time Hardware, I stopped and thought about it. There were the coops, for sale. The little noises were so enticing. Bags of chicken feed were at the ready. I could raise a new little crop of my own egg-laying cluck-ers. But, reality hit. Chicken poop. Stray feathers. Hawks. Oliver. I had to let the dream die.

For those of you that have your own chickens, enjoy them. They are delightful little animals, and fresh eggs and meat are a delicious addition to any dinner table. We should all remember, the only truly organic food comes from our own back yards! Bon Appetit!

Planting Peonies In the Playful Puppy’s Grounds.

Peonies are my favorite flower. Most unusual blooms grown from bulbs, until last year, I had no idea they were my favorite. I wish I’d documented the date the first shoots sprouted. I didn’t. But I do recall my wonder at the long shoots supporting tennis ball sized heads. I wondered what on earth these plants were. When they bloomed, I was hooked. Pale Pink Peonies. Each day, I rush to my favorite plant, awaiting signs of awakening. So far, nothing.

In other news, there is the matter of the small little beast that lives with me. Oliver. Some days, I want to cry as Oliver struggles to reach mature dog status. We are well into our second year of life together, and there are no signs that this 25 pound PUPPY is maturing in mind or behavior. None. Emotionally amped-up and needy, this guy runs at full speed all day long, every day, every hour, every minute, every second. Like a puppy on crack. A 25 pound puppy on crack.

One would want to believe that any dog would find Winterpast a haven for the four-legged kind. With shade, far corners, impenetrable fence line, shade, and water, any reasonable dog would prefer being there to the confines of the house. Not Ollie. When he is inside, he wants out. When he is outside, he wants in. Oliver wants what he doesn’t have at the moment, like a small, spoiled child, with me being the spoiler supreme. I’ve created a doggie monster.

Sir Oliver of Ashworth Hall is a Standard, 25 pound Dachshund of the most unusual variety. If you Google Cream, Piebald, Chocolate, Wire-Haired Dachshund, you will find his kind looking back at you. Oliver happens to have green eyes that are alarmingly human. He is smarter than me on most days, just unable to type, having no thumbs and all. He forgets nothing, and has a nose that can find the most carefully hidden treats. He forgives me for all my faults, except when it comes to food. Oliver is a food driven dog with a weight problem who lives on 1/3 cup of kibble twice a day. His world revolves around his feedings, twice a day. Very active and healthy, my chunky monkey zooms at warp speed even with getting such a small amount of fuel.

Winterpast offers so many things that Oliver has decided are treats of the best kind. The most frustrating are the small solar lights that lined all the paths in my yard. The yard is truly park like, with paths that go here and there. It would’ve been so pretty to line them with lights. One day, I decided to make that a reality, buying 50 such lights and installing them one by one. Oliver watched. He pretended he was asleep, with one eye open, of course. Each light took time, as I peeled off the labels, measured for placement, made sure they worked, hammered a small stake into the ground and attached the lights. Around the yard I went along the paths. The yard did look great the first night, when the lights came on. Lovely.

Oliver suddenly wanted to disappear outside during the day. It was a delightful respite from his inside antics, so off he went, sailing into the back yard. Slowly, I figured out why he was eager to go outside. He began digging up the lights, chewing up every small stake I had so lovingly installed. If the light got in the way, he chewed that up, too. At first, I didn’t notice. Now, the measured spacing is no more. A light here, an empty hole there. And Oliver deciding for himself when the next one will be removed.

He also loves the drip system. It must taste wonderful. Perhaps I should try an emitter salad, or Spaghetti with a touch of irrigation tubing. This dog is highly destructive in the cutest little package. He knows quite well this will not find favor with me. He can’t help himself. With 1/2 acre of yard, he has so many tastey treats to discover. I have a spring and summer of mangled irrigation tubing and emitters to repair or replace.

Yesterday, I was busy in the house, and looked out to see him tearing up yet something else. Something new and shiny, like a piece of foil. I couldn’t place it, but went out and picked up the pieces. I know now. He’s decided it’s time for the pipes to be unwrapped and the irrigation system to be turned back on. What a little helper!

Oliver has cleaned up every bit of mummified fruit from last year. Roaming the yard, he finds an old apple and whisks it to the lawn, where he devours it. Any toads should shudder, with his constant patrol. Yes, Oliver is a very busy, busy boy.

Some would say he is bored. To them, I would say you have never lived in my house or with Oliver. He is on 24/7. Visitors come and are shocked at his energy and behavior, because this dog is a crazy Labrador in a very tiny body. He is a solid package of TNT, ready to rock and roll, always with the cutest doggie smile. His days are busy and filled with lots of doggie activities. He just prefers the ones he creates more than the ones I provide.

I know very soon, I’ll have a real dog. Not a crazed puppy. At some point, I’ll look across the grounds of Winterpast and he’ll be snoring under the old apricot tree. His gnarled chewing bones will lay untouched next to emitting drippers watering my pink petaled peonies with the perfect amount of water. For now, he’s right to remind me. It’s time to start watering the back yard.

More peonies are going in the ground today. He will be blindfolded while I plant these. He need not see what treasures Mom-Oh is hiding. Off the the gardens for me. Have a beautiful Sunday!!!

Bridge To Dreamland, Beware of the Enemy

There are some mornings in which my brain pauses, as I struggle to focus on a topic. I find myself in that situation this morning. Retiring to my bedroom at the normal time, last night, I made a poor movie selection. I’ve been soaking in the happy antics of Rock Hudson and Doris Day, when I decided on a change of genre.

Turning to the gloom and doom of World War II, first I watched The Caine Mutiny. A very interesting look into the psychology of powerful men. There were four movies in the set, each focused the days of World War II. I found The Caine Mutiny to be fascinating on several levels, including the role women played in the movie and at the time of war. With nothing more disturbing than the quest for a few lost strawberries and an outrageous storm, I decided to begin another movie before falling to sleep.

The next choice was The Bridge on the River Kwai. In my old age, the movie was at times, hard to watch, leaving me in a less than a sleepy state. In today’s world, there would have been far more violence and gore splashed upon the screen. Movies of the past are artful in suggestions of things so terrible, your mind is left to reach its own hellish conclusions without visual aide. It was of those scenes from which my brain borrowed characters.

Dream sequences can be a bit comical sometimes. I was sitting on the beach enjoying the sunshine, as I’d planned to do for so many months. All of a sudden, prisoners of war came streaming right past Dom’s Clam Chowder and Bait Shop to a whistled tune. They continued until they were in place and someone gave the command. Like that, the pier fell into the water, the flying pieces turning into dolphins, which swam away. Cheerfully, everyone on the beach clapped loudly while the prisoners each took a surfboard and paddled off, whistling John Lennon’s Imagine.

As it turns out, my planned adventures to the little beach house were blown up just like the Bridge on the River Kwai. As April 8th got closer, it became obvious that the stress of the heaven-er-sary is weighing heavier on my shoulders than I first thought it would. That, coupled with the fact that the beach town is 459.3 miles away, made me reconsider my decision to venture so far. I rewrote my plans for the day, accepting that sometimes one needs to take a step back and regroup. I will be spending April 8th in the comforting walls of Winterpast.

T and K will join me on April 8th for a last monthly release of 12 brightly colored balloons. Each month has brought a different path for the balloons, along with different emotions and feelings. To think I’m at the end of the first year of widowhood still amazes me, returning me to a last bit of widow’s fog. How can it be that a year passed so quickly? How could one year take a lifetime to pass?

After getting a glass of water and returning to my comfy bed, dreams came again.

This time, a brand new television, grand in scale was sitting in my living room. Colonel Saito and Lt. Colonel Nicholson were sitting with me on the couch debating how high the new television should be hung, while T and K looked on. I had no input at all, muted, while watching the prisoners outside prune my trees to short nubs while removing all fruit wood. Oliver sat in a tiny prisoner of war outfit, looking forlorn as the tired men slaved away. Branches were being stacked for the new bridge, with every bit of wood being needed.

Again, my eyes flew open, happy to find myself in the safety of Winterpast, with no sign of prisoners or the enemy anywhere in sight. The dream did give me the great idea that I DO need a new television. With that new thought, it took me a little while to return to sleep, considering my options on just how high the television would need to be hung, without the help of Saito and Nicholson, by the way.

Today is a great day for one gardener to get her game on while bringing gardening tools out of the shed. Under the shining sun, today is first day of outdoor activities for me. I have garden beds to design and bulbs to plant.

Tonight, I’ll return to Doris and Rock. Send Me No Flowers. No enemy warfare need to assault my dreams and blow up a peaceful night of sleep. Have a wonderful Saturday.

Yellow Brick Roads Always Lead to the End of the Rainbow

As a child, one of the best times of year was Spring. Baby lambs were everywhere. Kittens magically appeared out of darkness of the decrepit old shed next to the animal pens. Birds fed their tiny little hatch-lings. The vines sprouted and bloomed, and life, in general, was fine. Spring fever hit with a vengeance, leaving us ready to park our school books and go climb some trees.

Television was in its infancy during my childhood. The first television we owned was revered by all. I remember the first time we turned it on and watched the Test Pattern. All huddled around the little screen, a black and white pattern magically appeared. Turn off the TV and it would disappear. Turn it on, it was back. Magical. Enough in its simplicity, because there was nothing else like it.

In those days, there were hours in which there was nothing to watch BUT the test pattern. People actually slept during those hours. When there was nothing to watch, children really did go play outside. ALONE and FERAL. News was in the evening, between 6 and 6:30. Finished. People actually ate dinner together at one table. Those magical days were something we would all do well to remember.

One of the best parts of spring had to do with The Wizard of Oz. With no VHS Cassettes, DVD’s, or Digital rental sites, movies were seen in the theater. Once a year, and once only, The Wizard of Oz was shown on a random Sunday night. We were allowed to stay up for the entire movie, if we could stay awake. The first years, movie was watched in black and white, as there were only black and white television sets. The first time I realized Oz was in technicolor when Dorothy arrived there was a magical moment.

Each year, that night was filled with the scent of freshly popped popcorn topped with real butter. Dad would stand in front of the stove with his pan and lid, working magic. Always adding too many kernels to the pan, two little girls would squeal with delight as the lid would raise and fresh popcorn spill out. Wide eyed, we’d watch every single scene of the movie, learning every line as the years went by.

Thinking about the similarities between the yellow brick road and the widow-y journey I’ve been on for the last few years, I smile. In the first month, I remember feeling as if I was spinning round and round, while getting no where. But, as the spiraled trail spread out, I started to see new territory and while traveling somewhere new. My yellow brick road traveled through lands and scenery foreign to me. On certain days, I found the ability and desire to skip a little, being forever mindful winged monkeys could jump out and snatch me at any moment.

My journey has been lined with yellow bricks of sunshine. Bordered by poppy fields that lured me to sleep once in awhile. Funny new friends along the way, all utilizing special powers, while searching for things lost or lacking in our lives. The thing that kept us going was, well, GOING. We didn’t stop or travel backwards. We just kept going, no matter the forests of wicked trees, or unknown terrain. We sang a little, too.

Two weeks are left on this journey of the FIRST year. Last year, VST and I crammed a lot into the last two weeks of his life. We accepted that he was so very, very ill. He slept more than he was awake. When he was awake, he wasn’t really himself, or at least, not the VST I’d loved for so long. His brick road spiraled backwards, while his child-like side returned. His legs didn’t work as an athlete’s anymore. Wobbly, he would carefully gauge each step and smile broadly when he made it across the room without falling. Through his journey away from me, he held onto his strength, dignity, perseverance, and faith in God. He moved in tighter and tighter circles back from where he came, while I moved on, further and further away towards my rainbow’s end.

Rainbows and endings. What a sight it must be at the end of the rainbow. Brilliant colors all blending and planted into the ground like tree trunks, sprouting eye popping jewel-tones while reaching for the heavens. Searching for the rainbow’s end, I haven’t looked for gold or physical riches. I’ve found peace, contentment, rich memories, acceptance, and happiness. Just like any rainbow, the location changes as you get closer, but these things I’ve found along the journey. We’re here but for a short time. A shroud has no pockets. But, a soul is pure light and energy made up of what we’ve experienced here on earth. Those things are the treasures found through my time with VST.

April 8th will complete my first year of widowhood. Looking back, the woman that struggled through cancer and death has turned into ME. Although I’ll be a WIDOW forever, that title doesn’t quite fit anymore. Maybe it never did. I’m a WOMAN, plain and simple. Complicated. Difficult. Loving. Simple. A Gardener who Grieves, but a gardener, first. I hope that your journey through widowhood brings clarity and peace along the way for time takes us all on memorable journeys.

My Angel Driver, Insured No More

For over two decades, one very large and well-known company covered Home and Automobile insurance needs for VST and me. In the first years, it was rather like a new love affair. Low rates. Nice little emails. Attention to details on their part. Policies, like clockwork, would arrive in our mailbox. Although we never met with an agent, as people did in mid-century USA, we did often speak by phone. All was wonderful. Until it wasn’t.

Upon VST’s death, the insurance company was on my list of services of which to alert. As a widow, it’s unsettling to receive mail addressed to a late spouse. Nothing can ruin a day faster than mail for someone you wish would come around the corner to snatch it from your hand. When such mail arrives, I quietly write “Deceased” on the envelope and put it back in the mail to be returned to sender. This has extinguished most contacts. But, this insurance company decided to play ball a little differently.

I was informed that my insurance would “SKY-ROCKET” due to VST’s death. Their terms, not mine. In order to keep my lower rate, they would simple let VST “drive on” as the main policy holder until May 2021, nearly an entire year later. I informed them that, while VST loved to drive, he was no longer able to, being dead and all. Their response was the same. He would remain the primary driver on the policy to keep the lower rate, which would explode in price the following year.

This made no sense to me. Two cars with only one person to drive. It seemed to me the chances for a mishap were cut in half. I couldn’t drive both cars at once like a chariot racer. What were they thinking???? It occurred to me that, in case of an accident, I would simply jump in the passenger seat and say, “He did it.”

I continued to get bills addressed to VST, and even tried a second time to get them to understand. I have two cars, but, one driver. Me. A non-ticketed, no accident, wonderfully safe driver with zero claims in the past five years. No losses. No problems. The answer was the same. My insurance bill would balloon to astronomical levels in May of 2021 without VST at the helm. Both the auto and home owner policies would increase in price. This was insanity on their part. A very good customer with a perfect payment record now had incentive to jump ship.

With April almost upon us, I started to review insurance policies, such as the Home Warranty, which I spoke of a few days earlier. With May 2021 just around the corner, I decided to shop around and see if I could do any better. I didn’t have much hope, but, it was worth a try.

My insurance was tied to an association of which I have little in common, except my status as a senior citizen. American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). The magazines would arrive, cringe worthy and not representative of my thoughts, values, or mental age. They would immediately go in the trash. The only benefit was the wonderful discount on my auto and home insurance due to my membership. For years, the trade-off was okay. Now, there was no more trade off, and my affiliation was irritating on every level.

It was then, I remembered a conservative group called Association of Mature Citizens (AMAC). They offered all the same benefits as AARP, but would represent my views more closely. With a phone call, I found they also have an affiliated auto and home insurance company, also nationally recognized and reputable. I was in business.

I’ll warn you, shopping insurance takes the better part of a morning. So many questions about every aspect of your car and home. But, the results were astounding. By shopping, (and I did have a very good rate before), I saved $600 for the year between the two policies. Just like that, I found better coverage, even including hail and wind coverage for my house and RV barn. In the desert, that is coverage very important to include.

Before giving my old company the heave-ho, I tried one more time to talk to someone about fixing the problem of having an angel-owned policy. I was informed that my existing policy would increase in price by AT LEAST $150 a year, quite possibly more. It was impossible to remove VST from the policy until May 2021. Further more, new rates weren’t available until April 15th. It was then I knew very well where I could get 2021 rates. FROM A NEW COMPANY, Thank you very much.

So, as the song goes, “You Gotta Shop Around.” Just because you’ve had the same insurance for years, doesn’t mean it is the best or the cheapest. A reset in life can lead to better service. The old adage, “Vote With Your Dollar”, rings true in this situation. Take charge of needed services. Shop like you would for the best deal on a new pair of shoes. With savings like these, you can buy a few new pairs.

“What Does CANCER Look Like to You?”

A year ago, those words came screaming into our ears, although the Gastroenterologist asked them very quietly. Not once, but twice. We sat stunned. VST in a confused state. Me, on heightened alert, wishing I’d heard anything else come out of the doctor’s mouth. CANCER. What did it mean to two people, married for 32 years? What did it mean to best friends? Lovers? Children? Grandchildren? You know, CANCER means something different to ever single person it ravages.

VST sat on the examining table, still and quiet, as one would expect of a Doctor of Psychology. Studying each word. The order of the words. The intonation. Any body language that gave hints. The pause before his question and our answer seemed like our forever. The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. VST’s disease was CANCER.

Nine weeks isn’t a long time for an illness to begin, progress, and finish in death. VST wasn’t in terrible pain, although he had pain. Withering away, his muscle atrophy was startling. The growth of his abdomen caused trouble with breathing and sleep. But, he continued to insist he felt too good to be really sick. The doctors had been baffled, as every blood test given came back within perfect range. VST was like that. Healthy in every other respect. A handicapped athlete until the end, walking 4 miles a day, even when he was ill.

I finally had to ask for clarification from the GI Doc, as this question was just too broad. It was then he told us the hard truth. Once the location of the cancer was found, we would be referred to an oncologist. Our time with the GI Doc was done. Again, he asked, “What does CANCER look like to you?”

VST and I had discussed our end of life wishes so many times. The end is the end. Period. If there were no real options, the option we chose individually was to do nothing. We just happened to agree on that point. That was what cancer looked like to both of us on that very bleak and horrible day.

We discussed our options and the fact that Cancer markers were at extreme levels in the blood work. Normal. 20. VST’s — 4500. But, the cancer remained illusive and couldn’t be located. All the usual places were clear. With this mystery raging, VST would need to undergo more scanning and probing until the location could be discovered. He should not be mistaken. We should not be mislead. Cancer was raging, with the location hidden somewhere in VST’s body.

I’ll never know how much VST understood or accepted on that day. His mind wondered frequently, spending much time sleeping. I was losing the best parts of my husband, best friend, lover, partner, co-parent and co-grandparent, investor, and co-conspirator. I was losing 1/2 of myself in a brutal way. Through it all, VST remained quiet, compliant, and reserved. He relied on his faith in God, increasingly found in prayer. He’d started his journey away from me weeks before the doctor posed the question.

What does Cancer look like to me? Broken Hearts. Terror. Anger. Sorrow. Loss. Pain. Suffering. Morpheine. Long nights. Caregiving. Hospice. Sore muscles. Sleepless nights. Bargaining for another chance. Lost dreams. Strangers helping. Expense. Meaningless doctor’s visits. Time wasted on worthless treatments. Solitude. Isolation. In the end. Cancer means Goodbye. That’s what cancer means to me.

Quietly, we rode back up Geigher Grade to our little town of Virginia City after the appointment. Twisting back and forth on the harrowing road, the topography was similar to the situation in which we found ourselves. On one side, there were sheer mountains, with car-sized boulders ready to fall onto the roadway at any moment. On the other side, sheer drop-offs, in which a wrong turn could send a car sailing into the air for hundreds of feet. Doom on either side, the little white Jeep scurried back to the safety of our home, while VST slept soundly, his head propped upon the door.

As I drove, I wondered just what cancer meant to VST’s doctor. In a few short visits, the doctor had come to like us very much. I’m sure the conversation we just had was jarring to him, as well. Every doctor takes an oath, “Do No Harm.” He didn’t cause this harm, but had to deliver the worst news to us. He needed our prayers, too, as his heart was breaking for us.

VST never answered the question. Maybe he couldn’t in the state he found himself. He never cried or shouted to the heavens. He never questioned “Why Me?” He simply took the hand he was dealt and played it out. VST was one of the strongest men I have ever known in my life. His faith was un-shake-able. His love, the purest. His care for his family, the most sincere. VST lived life in the arms of God until he left this world. An example I will do my best to follow. I’m so blessed to have been his Darlin’ for all those years.

Over the last year, Cancer has meant different things to me. Memorial. Old Friends. New Friends. Memories. Sweet dreams. Night terrors. Lonely days. Lonely nights. Meals alone. Mail for one. Monthly balloon releases. Letting go. Acceptance. One year Heaven-ersary. And, so much more. It means different things on different days. But, always, it means a loss of the way things were, even if things go well. Just like the scourge of Covid, things never return to the delicate state they were before. It takes strength, true grit, and a deep faith to continue on.

Take a moment to think about what CANCER means to you. This post surprised me. Such a complicated topic, with endless answers. I hope no one ever asks you the question, the way we were asked. No one should need to experience that. Sadly, it happens every day.

Another Snowy Morning in the Desert

This morning, the alarm didn’t go off, and neither did I. I fell asleep to raging winds last night, awaking to a beautiful morning of glistening snow. Just a dusting, mind you. Swollen buds and sprouting irises don’t do so well in this cold weather. My apricot tree, covered in blooms and bees will be complaining over this. I hope I get a few apricots with a second bloom, as the days warm.

The weather report is very encouraging from Saturday on. Days in the mid 60’s and nights above freezing. Hopefully, spring is upon us. Outside my window, two of the fattest little sparrows are eating the buds on the tree branch. They have rosy chests and plump little bodies. Everyone around here is ready for winter to end.

This morning, I’m going to do my best to stay present in the moment. There are so many things needing attention, being mindful is difficult. I just realized it’s time to shop for Auto and Home Insurance. What did people do before the internet? We were all at the mercy of insurance agents. I so remember when the agent would come out to the ranch to visit my mom and dad. Coffee was brewing in the Presto 12-cup Stainless Steel percolator with fresh home-baked goodies on the table. He was a valued member of the team, providing insurance against unforeseeable hazards and dangers.

Now, one simply shops online to compare the best rates for a specific situation. In 1973, the insurance agent looked around for watch dogs. It was desirable to have a couple to keep thieves at bay. Now, there is a complete list of un-insurable dogs. Thankfully, Cream-based, Piebald, Green-Eyed, Standard, Wire-Haired Dachshunds are not listed. Especially cute ones like Oliver, crazy as he is.

Perusing list after list of insurance choices to come up with a magical price, I realized I’ve been paying way to much for years. Yet again, another way that I will save money. I am enjoying this part of my life reset. Probably a good idea to dust off your copy of insurance policies to make sure your rates are competitive.

Yesterday, I chose a new Home Warranty Policy. New widows, listen up. If you own your home, this is a must. Home Warranty Policies are the best thing ever. You buy a yearly policy for around $500, depending on your situation and location. Then, when something breaks in your house, which things always do, you simply report the item to your company and they arrange a repairman. My fee with them is $75. That’s it. They repair or replace the item in question. You are all set. Matters not, whether a small light socket or your entire Air-Conditioning Unit. Repaired or replaced. For your one time fee. They arrange the technician in a timely matter, and handle the problem. Finito!

We have all had situations in which something breaks resulting in a huge repair or replacement bill. Who wants that? Check online. There are many companies providing this service, and it matters not how long you have owned your home, whether it is mortgaged, or even if you own it free and clear. Check it out.

The salesman from which I purchased my policy yesterday was knowledgeable about his product. He did try to upsell me on a longer, cheaper, better, and more wonderful option. I stuck with the one year plan. So, now, I hope I don’t need their services for the next year. With new appliances, just out of warranty, you never know. Summer is coming up and my AC unit could break. Something could short out my electrical system. Anything could go awry. So, this is my little hedge against disaster.

VST used to handle all these little details so quietly, I never really gave them any thought. He would have Bonanza playing in the background. While Hoss and Little Joe were solving the latest problem, VST was crunching numbers and finding us the best insurance for our situation. He never complained, but always enjoyed his duties in our partnership. He was good at those sorts of things. Now, I’m finding out, I am, too.

At the moment, the sun is shining in a hopeful kind of way. The winds are slowly moving some stray-gray clouds off to the East, revealing the bluest sky. The dusting of snow is melting slowly, perhaps being the last of the year. The trees everywhere are swollen with new life, but not yet leafing. Tuesday brings the garbage truck around, automated and efficient, moving slowly from house to house. Neighbors are bundled and enjoying morning walks, reminding me I need to get moving.

Moments in the present are so beautiful. There is so much to take in when just stopping to look through an open window. I could get lost for hours doing just that. Today, I need to accomplish some vital tasks. There will be more moments of mindfulness after I complete a few things around here! Enjoy your day!

Reached A Goal? Plant Your Flag!!!

September 24, I began blogging without a clear goal. Yes, there were murky thoughts of completing a book. But that was all in “SOMEDAY” status. Nothing was visualized as a memory before it even happened. Each morning, I’d look up stats for my blog and remember squealing when I had ten readers from the preceding 24 hours. There was only one constant. I wrote, every day, inching along with the excitement provided by those first few readers.

Slowly, the readers and number of reads increased. I remember the excitement I felt when I reached 50 readers and 100 reads. It was an amazing feeling. But, it didn’t meet a set goal. An un-aimed arrow always hits its target, they say. My arrow sailed gracefully hitting a perfect bullseye into thin air.

After a few months, with the realization that my numbers continued to grow, I set a few goals and upon reaching them, said a little “Ya-Hooooo”. I continued writing.

This morning, my past readers number over 5,000. My total reads are over 11,000. Not shattering in the world of the internet, by any means. My past readers come from more than 48 countries and 29 states. I average 100 readers in a 24 hour period. It’s time to set some new goals, so I know when to plant my flags. One goal is to have readers in all 50 states. Slowly, I march toward that mountain top.

When journeying through life, goals help us move along, rather like a tow strap. I can’t imagine not having daily, weekly, monthly, and annual goals, monitoring them for needed adjustments. It’s just the way I roll best.

Thinking about the future, it was suggested that I consider the point in which I will embrace the fact that I’m a published author. The blog is one milestone along the way. But, when I close my eyes at night, I don’t feel I am a true writer, yet. So, what will it be? The first day my book is advertised on Amazon? My first sale? My first book signing? When I have my first book available in hardback, e-book, and audio versions? Those are all flag plantings I need to decide upon. Until I do, I won’t know where to plant my flags, and they’re pretty heavy to carry along.

I plan to celebrate when I reach these pointy peaks in my writing life, envisioning a shiny sports car with the license plate “PAGES” proudly displayed. I see it. But, the real prize will be when I reach all the things listed above, and have multiple books in print.

This last year, goals have helped me get through some pretty tough days in the wilderness of widowhood. During April, 2020, I listed hourly accomplishments while struggling to breathe. There were so many things needing to be done as I readied Oliver and I for our big move. I’d make a list of three things. When they were completed, I’d list three more. Without tiny goals, I wouldn’t have had things ready for the moving truck.

Tiny accomplishments grew into bigger ones over the last eleven months. Journal-ing along the way left a bread crumb tale of memories. What a unique year it has been. One that none of us could have predicted, packing punches delivered one after the other. Each time the knock down blow was delivered, we all regrouped and stood tall again. Here we are on the brink of returning to some sort of normal. Bruised, but standing.

I have a big flag to run up the pole on April 8th. One year will have past since I lost VST. During that year, the trails have been treacherous. Some days, the winds, rain, and snow have been blinding. Sand storms have caused me to hunker down until they ceased. Each storm left me stronger and more determined to move forward. That’s the point right? Don’t get stuck in the mud. I find these last few days are more harrowing than all the rest combined. No one can warn a grieving gardener about that for it’s an experience all its own, individual and unique to each person.

My flag is huge, and reads “An Appeal to Heaven“. We can all hope for someone to show us the way, following leaders. We can try things we’ve heard online that might be helpful during a crisis. We can wait for stimulus checks, and new laws to lead us in the direction of someone else’s choosing. But, when all else fails, and hopefully before that, An Appeal to Heaven will show the way.

Pick milestones along your journey and remember to plant your flags. You need them flying high as a celebration of your accomplishments, and a sign to others behind you that things will get better with time.

Down to the Short Rows

Throughout life, there are sayings that stick with a person. Each generation has a special selection of these, which leave the youngers scratching their heads at the meaning. Almost like a secret code to another world, these phrases bring a smile and knowing to those that understand. They leave those that don’t get it confused.

Once upon a time, VST and I farmed in the Central Valley of California. On our ranch, there were 109 rows of vintage grapevines. Planted before 1936, these grapes were a variety lost to the ages. Their flavor and texture were of another time. They were not for shipping, for their skins were far too fragile. They were Thompson Seedless grapes, green in color. Not the huge grapes you find in the store, which are tricked into being that huge size. These were normal sized grapes, which when dried in the sun, turned into delicious Sunmaid Raisins.

For seventeen years, VST and I carried for our vines the best we could. We worked two full time jobs to support our little farming hobby. Forty acres is a lot of land to care for. One fourth of a section of land. If you every need to walk down a vineyard row, picking up discarded thick wood removed during pruning, you begin to know how long the rows are. Especially if it is a cold, foggy Central Valley morning, when your irrigation boots get stuck in mud.

There you have another phrase. Stuck In The Mud. Until you have been, you don’t know. A terrible predicament. A Stick In The Mud prefers their life to remain that way. Stuck in the mud. Horrible situation.

On our farm, there were 109 rows, most of them, very long, continuous rows, stretching from one side of the ranch to the other. Whether irrigating or shoveling, one would start at row 109 and work back towards the house, which seemed ever so far away. Hours later, you might be at row ninety-five, depending on what you were doing. Fixing wires that supported the grapes. Shoveling in gopher holes or shoveling off sucker vines growing at the base of the stumps. Cutting down weeds or tying up tendrils. There was always something that needed doing.

Our house sat in the middle of rows 1 – 30-something. A nice square space in which our house was, along with a big red barn and out buildings. This divided those rows into two sections which were named The Short Rows.

Every one of us would look across the vineyard toward the house wishing we were already there. Plodding along in the cold, wet, or extreme heat, we moved at a snail’s pace. There was time to think and ponder the problems of the world. Time to wish we could win the lottery and never need to pick up a shovel again. Surprised, we might scare up a quail or coyote. Always, we moved toward the house and the short rows.

Now, in life, I’, working the short rows. No matter how I wish the days would zoom past April 8th, I plod along. Each day a little bit closer. There are more opportunities to sit and rest, but, I’m not done yet. The last year has worn me down. Emotional blisters are healing, but the heavy weight still makes them sting a bit. I find I’m a bit more calloused from widowhood. I’ve found I could carry more than I thought I could. Looking back, I am proud that I made it through, a stronger and more competent woman.

The best thing about the short rows, is that you could find rest at the house. There was a bathroom right there. Grabbing a cold water, you could sit under the shade of the patio and take a break. The breeze seemed a little stronger there, promising that the job at hand was almost finished.

In life, there will always be another pass to be made. Another daunting experience in which you return to Row 109 and start all over again. So glad VST and I could experience farming and life together. Someday, he’ll be waiting for me at Row 1. Bring the lemonade, VST. I’ll be tired.

Friday Night With Friends

In the last year, there’s been little opportunity for something as simple as a date on Friday night. With the virus controlling the show, restaurants have been all but shuttered. Things that we used to consider routine, like a dinner date, are now rare, treasured events. At least for me they are. So, last night was something special.

Finding a new friend is a wonderful experience of life. Like beginning a book by an unknown author, rich and exotic stories await as time is spent together, listening. My new friend and I grew up in entirely different ways, in places as different as Zimbabwe and Paris. Although born days apart in the same year into large families, the similarities of our early lives stop there. I’m learning about life in the refined East, while sharing about life in the wild West.

As different as we are, the more we find we are similar. A close friendship is building, as we keep track of shared interests, similar tastes in food, and things we find humorous. Yesterday, I was asked to join him on a Friday night date.

Discussing options available in my little town, the subject of KFC came up, (as in chicken). It was then, I knew my dining choice would be in Virginia City, Nevada at the most beautiful of restaurants named Cafe Del Rio. As a past resident of VC, I’ve spent hours dining in this fantastic venue, seated at comfy wooden chairs and surrounded by the history of the Comstock. Just eating in the dining room is an experience. The surrounding walls are rock, holding mysteries of the miners that might have handled them. The food is divine, the service, extraordinary. This is a place where the entire staff cares deeply about your dining experience, because, they own the place.

Driving to VC in the white Jeep Wrangler, dark clouds covered the vast desert sky. With another storm forming, we could see the mountaintop on which I lived for so many years from Highway 50. Blanketed by clouds, we were traveling to the base of Mt. Davidson at almost 6200 feet. Since April 8, VC has been an easy place to avoid, holding too many memories from my life with VST. But, last night, it held the promise of good food and friends.

Driving along 6 Mile Canyon Road, I remembered all the times VST and I scurried up and down the windy route. Any road that leads to VC is treacherous and needs the complete attention of a sober driver. Making the tight twists and turns while creeping higher and higher, sweet memories surrounded me. Thriving there for a time, it was our happy place for many years. Yesterday was the first return visit that didn’t involve tears and a heavy heart. I saw the town for the charming, quaint place it is and became just another tourist looking forward to dinner.

The owners of the restaurant were happy to see me. So many nights, they provided food for me when VST was sick, and after. The last 17 days of my life in VC, their food kept me nourished. Last night, the Gospel Fried Chicken didn’t disappoint, complete with HOMEMADE mashed potatoes and gravy, corn cut right off the cob, fresh coleslaw, and the centerpiece of the plate, boneless chicken breast prepared in a very secret way. All heavenly. We then shared a piece of Apricot-Ancho Chili Cheesecake with Chantilly cream on the side. Everything served with friendly banter between friends.

We now have another thing in common, both being true fans Cafe Del Rio Gospel Fried Chicken. We’re finding that time between us is sweatshirt-and-jeans-comfortable. Whether discussing the finer points of growing up on a farm, or being a Navy Seal in Desert Storm, we talk easily, seasoning our discussions with laughter and good stories.

For now, I’m looking forward to more Friday night dates to new and fun restaurants as Covid loses its deadly grip on our lives. Meals, movies, walks along the Truckee River, and friends. The last year has held enough horror, sadness, and tears to float the 7th fleet. With caution, its time for me to explore the world that awaits me.

Red Lights A-Flashin’. SLOW DOWN. Robber’s on the Loose

Driving is not my favorite past time. Being a cautious driver, I observe the speed limit, rules of the road, and the antics of others. My only wreck was in 1973, when I totaled my brand new sunshine yellow Mazda RX3. It was a very fast car, driven by an even faster young lady. The jaws of life were involved to extricate me, uninjured and furious that they would be using such a device on my formally beautiful car. Confusing, as the devastating damage couldn’t be seen from the inside where I was sitting. Luckily, I wasn’t injured, those being days of the 1900’s, before air bags and seat belt laws .

Yesterday, with taxes in hand, I left with my postal delivery in hand My new little town is just that. Very little. The US Post Office is about two miles away from my house, all on country roads, usually empty. Leaving my neighborhood, there are a few twists and turns and then……. The Straightaway. Yes. A portion of the road that just begs for speeding. There are houses on one side, and BLM land on the other. It gives off a sense that no one is watching. Anywhere. I speed on this stretch of road.

Now, I don’t mean to. I know it is highly rude to the people living on this stretch. The road is clearly marked 25 MPH. My speedometer clearly says 40 MPH as I speed on to the STOP sign. There are families that live on this road, enduring the speedway right outside their kitchen windows. Each day, I promise to do better on the next trip. Each time, I speed.

Little Town, USA, in which I live, has another peculiarity. Very seldom are there visible patrol cars of any kind, any where. One reason could be that there’s very little crime in our town. At least, that is what I wanted to believe. However, the little bank was robbed yesterday. My bank. With my quiet, professional tellers that like to give big happy smiles and wish you the best day when your business is done. The sweetest people run my tiny little bank. With only four or five employees, they are polite and efficient, providing a sense of family while you bank. A man with a gun robbed them yesterday. He stole their happy place. And mine. He hasn’t been caught yet.

My little town has crime. Lots of it. Something not to be forgotten, as springtime can conjure a heightened sense of complacency.

So, it’s easy to speed on this quiet little stretch of road, without giving it a second thought in my quiet little town that has next to no crime. Until yesterday, when this senior citizen lady in her souped-up white Jeep with the sunflower tire cover (ME) came rolling around the bend, already going at a pretty good clip.

Rounding the corner, engine roaring and waiting for the straightaway, brakes were applied immediately when trouble appeared ahead. Patrol car lights. Yes. A sweet neighbor was sitting, mortified, in her beautiful SUV, while the officer was writing up a speeding ticket. I guess I’m not the only one that shoots down that road like greased lightning, rattling the neighbors. I slowed to 23 MPH as I carefully passed the officer and his perpetrator, formally known as my neighbor.

It brought me back to the moment. I can’t forget to follow the speed limits. Watch for signs. Avoid erratic drivers. And, stay in my lane.

Things always go a little better when you follow the established rules. You can avoid collisions and road rage by doing so. It may take a little longer, but by observing the speed limit, you will get to your destination safely. Going a little slower, you can enjoy the scenery and blue desert skies. You have more time to react to pot holes or stray items on the road. You can watch for renegade mustangs crossing your path.

All those points apply while going through life, as well. Speeding through, you miss so much. Quarantining at home, time has slowed and sometimes even seems to stop. The days still go by at the same rate, but pass more slowly. The great outdoors begs for leisurely walks through beauty. In solitude, I’ve found time to consider life and the direction I want to go.

There are so many choices to make now. Physical choices involving the yard and my 2021 landscape additions. Choices of spring clothing and footwear. Choices in home decoration and organization. The list is endless. However, physical choices are only a cover for the deeper spiritual and emotional landscape of life. It’s there where we all fight demons and find angels. In the quiet of the desert, I find the solitude gives me wide open spaces in which to dream new dreams and put nightmares to rest, once and for all.

Today, I’ll be practicing safety first, with doors locked and a watchful eye. The bank robbery makes me want to bake a plate of cookies, delivered warm to my financial friends. They will be re-evaluating their own safety procedures, while hugging each other a little tighter. Masked robbers with a gun steal more than the money they take. Innocence was lost yesterday, in this, out little wide spot in the road.

Slow down, my friends. You never know who is watching around the corner. Just waiting for you. Could be your friendly highway patrol, or a bad guy. Keep your eyes peeled and slow down.

Life Raft For One. Hold the Sharks, Please.

Even the best laid plains run aground, at times. So it was with my late night tax project. Two days earlier, my ego was riding high. I waltzed right into the Accountant’s office, pretty as you please. In my arms, I held a mint green binder, complete with all appropriate tax documents in individual page protectors. Each type of document was placed in the appropriate category, behind section dividers. Tax Returns were printed and placed in front for inspection and I felt victorious.

The accountant looked through everything, saving me a quick $400 in the first three minutes of my visit. As he worked through each section, I won his approval. My head was swelling at a rapid rate, as he complimented me on my work and organizational skills. Ha. I’d indeed conquered something I’d never done before. At least, not in many decades. I was on top of the world. With our meeting completed, I paid him $100 for his time, saving $300 by visiting. I was singing on the way home.

One bit of advice given was that I E-File. “No problem, “ said I, smugly. VST and I E-Filed the last several years. My tax program would guide me through the last steps, leaving me finished with the 2020 Tax year.

When I got home, I looked through the taxes once more, knowing this would be the last time in my life I would ever file as a married woman. It was an odd feeling. Like stepping off a life raft into a sea of hungry sharks. In black and white, there’s no denying it. I’m single and will be that until the end of my forever. Of course, there are the obvious financial implications, with higher tax rates for single people. But, more than that, there is the lonely fact that VST is gone and I’m now a family of one, with Oliver my dependent.

The words printed on the top of the tax form were stark and final. Deceased. 4/8/2020. I’m glad I’m experiencing this near the One Year Anniversary of his death, ending another chapter, as well. As a couple, we’d always come to an agreement on when to start and complete our return. VST was on the conservative side of taxes, making sure that every deduction was supporting by the correct document.

Once, we were summoned to the local IRS Office. There was a discrepancy they needed to discuss with us immediately. Terrified on the long drive into town, we wondered, out loud, what the discrepancy involved. We were hoping for adjoining cells when they locked us away after finding years of mistakes unknown to us. It was a dark drive.

Upon entering the office, the IRS agent brought out our taxes. A line was highlighted in which we had entered a $100 donation to Job’s Daughters.

“Here at the IRS, we take donations very seriously. These donations cannot be made carelessly, and declared when they’re not valid. Mr. and Mrs. Hurt, one cannot make a donation to a person’s daughter. Job would need to be part of a non-profit or religious organization. What do you have to say about this???? ” The agent let the last few words hang in the air, while looking over the top of horn rimmed glasses.

We were speechless. Job’ Daughters is a Masonic youth group for girls aged 10 – 20. It’s a 501 (C) (3) organization, for which all donations are completely tax deductible. We left holding hands, relieved that we would not be ushered to federal jail.

Returning to last night, perched at VST’s desk, I was ready to send the taxes into cyber space. I checked, once more, that all entries were correct. Everything seemed in order, as I pushed the FILE button. An email arrived stating my taxes were on the way. Everything was just great. For 32 minutes. Until, with another email, I found my taxes were rejected. Just like that.

I repeated the procedure two more times, finally realizing, there was a missing code. I needed the code to complete the transaction. A code from last year. A pass-code that VST would’ve hidden in that unusually sharp brain of his. A code now gone forever. A code I would have no way of every finding again.

It was with those thoughts, my ego returned to normal size. There are just some things that are not worth fighting. Pass-codes are one of them for me. The line was drawn there. I threw in the towel. Defeat cuts deeply into the ego. But, defeat it was.

My taxes were mailed in a legal size envelope, Certified Mail, with tracking, thank you very much. There are postmarked March 17, 2020, including a check for taxes due, and all required documents. Just like that, I have cut the rope, now in my own financial life raft. I can create my own codes and carefully record them for later use. There are bound to be rough seas ahead, but also starlit nights, enchanting and peaceful. Let the currents carry me where they will.

Good Morning, I Think

Time changes for me are never an easy thing. Truly an early morning person, there is a limit to how early I rise. Trying to wake at 5 is really 4. There is a limit.

As I drag around this morning, please forgive my inability to produce a wonderful blog. My sleepy cobwebs are just too thick.

Please enjoy earlier blogs for today. Tomorrow, I will return refreshed, with interesting topics to share.

J

Optimism on a Taxing Day

Optimism — Hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.

Optimism –In philosophy, the doctrine, as set forth by Leibniz, that the world is the best of all possible worlds.

Tax Day — April 15th. A day dreaded by all. This date is not usually accompanied by an optimistic feeling. I wish to change that for myself.

Yesterday, while remaining optimistic, I spent the morning massaging the entries in Turbo Tax to come up with an amount of money that will represent my donation to the United States Government.

Tax Day. Last year, preparing our taxes was one of the last things VST lovingly did for me. His 2019 Tax folder proudly displays some of the last numbers and words he wrote. Although I always joined him to approve and sign the resulting document, he created the tax return after completing the heavy lifting all year long. Just one of the hundreds of things VST handled so quietly and perfectly while he was alive.

Grateful that Turbo Tax is available, I started entering documents a month ago when the kids (who aren’t kids, but adults) were here. It’s pretty amazing how many tax documents arrived after the first of the year. I’d just put them in my own tax folder marked 2020 Taxes, just as VST would have done. Pretty soon, my little folder was bulging. I must admit, I was a bit overwhelmed by the number of important documents.

Soon, I couldn’t ignore the task at hand. One by one, I entered the information written on the forms, and soon, I created my very own 2020 Federal Tax Return. Just ‘Like That! One entry at a time, until my folder was empty. Then, I created a binder of supporting documents, printed a copy of the tax return, while reviewing the numbers many, many times. I found some glaring mistakes and a few not so obvious, until the resulting Tax Return is one that makes me smile. Professional and complete, with supporting documents and worksheets.

During this little adventure in computer entries, the worst thing occured. My internet service went down. Drat. With terrible timing, I could have run aground. But, with a simple phone call, I reach a lovely technician who found the trouble and got me back online. She, too, had such a sweet demeanor, which made the entire situation better. In an hour, things were fixed and I was computing taxes, again. Our combined attitude helped to make the situation conquerable and pleasant.

Later today, I’m going to see my Certified Public Account (CPA) for one last look. It never hurts to have things checked over by a professional. Just maybe he’ll look and find a glaring error that will save me hundreds or thousands of dollars. Maybe the government owes ME money. Maybe A LOT. Maybe………. Well, maybe I’m a bit giddy that I just got the darn thing done. I accept the amount that I owe and will send it off as soon as I get the green light from the CPA.

Optimistic at the entire process, I hope a least a small portion of the money I send in can be used to help someone, adding to the greater good. VST would be depressed for a few days after the taxes were done. Just moping around with a heavy heart. We all have a choice in how we look at things. I could easily go down that path, fuming about the waste in government and how the small amount I’m contributing (Not Small To Me!) will be thrown to the wind. Or, I can just envision it doing some good. I’m choosing to be optimistic, because either way, I need to write a check and send it on its way.

My CPA owns and runs a prestigious accounting firm. When I met him last fall, we had a great visit. He’s upbeat and positive, which makes today’s visit something to which I’ll look forward. His secretary called me on Friday to confirm the appointment, and she was a bit of bubbling happiness on the phone. Just checking to make sure I’d be there. I’m thankful she wasn’t down in the dumps, too. After a drive through the high desert, today’s trip to the state capital will be something different and fun. Another milestone will be met. My first Tax Return as a widow will be completed. Another thing I’ve accomplished, that I didn’t know I could.

Optimistically, I am cleaning up the desk, feeling the taxes are complete and ready for the mail. A coat of furniture polish will bring out the shine on the rich mahogany finish. After a bit of shredding, the process of saving documents for next year will again begin. I’m hopeful that next year, I’ll need to report income from book sales. Don’t worry, Uncle Sam, I’ll save a little for you. Just don’t be too greedy. A new author needs some pocket change left over for fun.

Rejoice in the Little Things of Life

The time has changed, and I’m a little behind this morning. As I smile about my day yesterday, I’ll share with you what made it special. Just little things that unfolded throughout the day, that when rolled together, made the most beautiful day on which to reflect. I often forget to rejoice in a day full of little bits of happiness stirred with a dose of surprise.

Yesterday started out in very normal fashion. Feeding Oliver, enjoying the first cup of coffee, and blogging. All very enjoyable on any day. I’ve found the luxury of having my groceries delivered makes any day a grand one. You can’t imagine the delight I feel when the doorbell rings and my bags of carefully selected groceries await. A luxury I feel blessed to enjoy. At any rate, with my feeble brain, I forgot some key elements on my list, and needed to head off to Walmart to finish shopping.

The first bit of great luck was that they just put out the new swimsuits. Having just acquired a hot tub, a girl can’t have too many, so I bought a variety in different sizes. As it turned out, the three styles were made for me in my 65th year. No movie star or model body here, just a regular senior citizen body. Happiness strikes at the soul of any woman when she finds the right swimsuit. I found more than one! Home run!!!

As I was rejoicing over my find, a sweet girlfriend and I ran into each other and had the best chat! You know your town is not that new to you anymore when you meet a friend at Walmart. How wonderful!!! We visited about this and that, and decided we’ll have a dinner and soaking party in the next two weeks. She was bubbly, cute, and wonderful, as she always it. Again, happiness filled my heart, as I thought about how lucky I am to have wonderful family and friends.

Once home, the gardener came to spruce up Winterpast and prune my trees, not a task I could do myself. When I receive services that I’m unable to complete, I’m deeply grateful. The man who cares for my gardening needs is such a good guy. Referred by a neighbor, he too, is a friend. We enjoyed getting caught up after his long winter absence. Winterpast looks ready for spring now. Fresh and crisp under the brightest blue sky.

I also decided to go for a walk today. The first one of the year, it was the perfect day for it. I found that my walk is 23 minutes long, around a very busy neighborhood. Now, I pay attention to little details in the yards surrounding me, getting ideas for my front yard project. I.m taking note of which home owners own their own tractors and heavy equipment, in case I might have a need for such services. Every day, I rejoice in the choice I made when moving to my neighborhood. Such a beautiful place. I’m truly blessed.

As the day continued to get better and better, my sweet K called to check up on me. She is the most beautiful daughter anyone could ever ask for. As we talked, I remember that not all that long ago, I was her age, with sons of my own in their late teens. Where did the time go? She and I chatted about this and that. K is the most gracious and sweet soul, having had the worst year in her life with the loss of her beloved dad. She has grown so much through the loss, becoming even more beautiful. I am the most blessed to have her in my life.

Bearing two sons, I never really understood what it meant to have a daughter of my own. Through the saddest of days, VST’s daughter became my heart-daughter. In our conversations, I’ve shared about this crazy new life called widowhood, and she’s always been there to listen, even when I know it must be weird and hard. For that, I am tearfully grateful, as I rejoice at the love we share in our family.

Finally, I got a call from a dear friend that was craving a bit of homemade spaghetti. With the pot simmering full of Italian sausage, ground beef, diced tomatoes, basil, spices and goodness, I readied the house for dinner. Bringing laughter and sweetness into my life, I’m grateful for the day we met.

All these minutes were rolled into a normal day. Others might find my day mundane and boring. I find it was everything that a wonderful day should include. Great Weather, Family, Friends, and new bathing suits that fit. It really doesn’t get better than that.

Rejoice in the little things!!!! And check your clocks. The day’s a-wastin!

Oh, The Clock’s We’ll Set Forward

(Cadance Borrowed from “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” Dr. Seuss)

Spring is arriving

The clocks, change them back!

Lose one hour of shut-eye

Squint-eyed on our backs.

Change the clock on the stove

Change the clock, microwaving

Change the clock on the mantle,

Changing clocks, you’ll be slaving.

On your own, you. Go quick or go slow

Directions without, it’s a yes or a no.

Now sun on the street, shines at 6AM

You check this clock and that

Trying not to forget ’em.

On your own, you. You go quick or go slow

Directions without, it’s a yes or a no.

With the speed of a youngster

To this room and that,

You flit here and there

Time not for chit-chat.

And you may not find any

In some certain rooms,

No clocks in the shower

Nor next to perfume

Time speeds away on this very bright morn,

What was 7 is now 8

It makes you forlorn.

Not very hungry for lunch you now feel

Because noon was eleven

Yesterday, Making you squeel.

The day is off kilter,

It brings up a frown,

You feel sort of angry,

A little bit down.

But finally, each clock,

On this race-away day,

Is now showing time right,

Or that’s what they say.

You sit down and ponder

Smiling broad and sincere,

You did it, you did it,

Without any fear.

No directions were needed

To set your world straight.

When Six became seven

And seven became eight.

You don’t lapse behind,

You’re right on the money,

What?

It’s bedtime already?

Time change is quite funny.

To bed in the twilight

That used to be seven,

Now eight and fifteen,

My brain says, “Oh Heaven’s”

Where are my glasses

A book I will read,

Time slow as molasses.

Changing the clocks,

A simple task, not,

Thanks for listening to my tale

I thank you, a lot.

Thank you, Dr. Seuss, for introducing me to words and helping me learn to read. J

Aloha Is a State of Mind

Aloha. An essence of being: love, peace, compassion, and mutual understand of respect. Living in harmony with the people and land around you with mercy, sympathy, grace, and kindness. (Skyline Hawaii Adventures and Tours Blog)

With a powerful winter storm in full swing around here, the high was in the 20’s last night. Grey skies blanketed the desert and I stayed in, not even venturing out into the wonderfully warm waters of the new, covered hot tub. It’s just been too cold. Period.

As I practice lazy inside the walls of Winterpast, tidal memories take me back to the wonderful times spent in Hawaii embracing the Aloha Spirit found there with every visit VST and I made. So many times co-workers and family would question what it was that took us back time after time. It wasn’t the convenience, as there were hours of travel time to get there. It wasn’t the fabricated culture, which became tiresome after the first few trips. It wasn’t the status of traveling to such a far away beach, when the Pacific Coastline was mere hours away by car. It was Aloha.

Aloha is found in the air. In the sand. In the sky. In the smiles of people who feel and embrace it, once you are there. Hawaii is a brilliant treat for the eyes and soul. Plants and flowers growing there are almost unbelievable in their size, magnificent shapes, and colors. A pathos plant that struggles to grow in California, grows to the size of an elephant’s ear in Hawaii, as it’s tendrils climb telephone and power poles. Plant life thrives.

Spirits abound in the islands. Both those held by the living, and those dancing in the afterlife. The waves and trade winds perform beautiful duets, as people find their playful sides on the beaches and oceans. Time slows down. Love grabs your spirit by the hand. All of this while people smile and exchange Aloha.

Many times, while lounging on the beach, new dreams of fresh adventures would materialize in thought. Free from the day to day grind of life, our minds were free to soar like shore birds, considering the next adventures we might take. Evenings would find us enjoying sunset dinners, while celebrating life together. Neither of us could ever get enough of the island life.

When we finally retired, many friends and family assumed we would move to the islands to live out our retirement days. Both of us considered it, but decided that to move there would erase the magical side that we had enjoyed for decades. Our last trip was in 2013, when, after visiting for so many times, we simply told our co-workers we were headed to the beach. A dose of Aloha once in awhile can heal many woes and soothe aching hearts. Hawaiian music has a rhythm unique unto itself. When life gets overwhelming, a little island tune can make things better, returning me to a state of Aloha even when I find myself in the cocoon of Winterpast.

Watching VST learn the hula early on in our relationship was a memory I cherish. My clunky man, never having the benefit of dance lessons, did his best to sway and tap his toes to the music. Being a good sport, he did his best to try, while being adorned with a coconut bra and hula skirt. Even in this situation, it only took a look my way to smile and carry on. He was in a state of Aloha and good spirit. Love surrounded us and made even the most embarrassing situation funny and sweet. Hawaii changed everything, allowing us to vacation in a bubble of love and happiness, while we left the real world back on the mainland.

Hoping to return to the islands someday, the dream of Hawaii is alive and well in my heart. I think of how the air will soothe my dry skin and lungs. How the waves will sing me to sleep. How the beautiful trade winds will caress me and blow through my hair. How the Menehune will dance around me as I sit on the beach and look out over the bluest of seas. Love Aloha, but even more importantly, learn to LIVE Aloha. It may just fix what ails you.

Happiness Blooms, My Winter has Passed

It’s snowing right now. A strong, unexpected spring storm. Droopy white flakes fall heavily to the ground. The storm is lounging over the desert, causing motorists havoc and angst. As I sit in the safety of Winterpast, I wear a huge smile. My heart is at peace and I’m truly happy even though it would be understandable if I felt otherwise.

There always seems to be an “Even Though” that could snatch happiness away at any moment. Some days, clutching to happiness for dear life, I feel my smile slipping away. The other day, I started pondering the real essence of happiness, identifying for myself, those things necessary to be happy.

Experiencing a snow storm brings me to a mindful state. There are many observations to be made. One should first observe the roads. Winter snowstorms can be so intense, you could feel as if you are in the Donner Party, hopeless and alone. Before panicking, first look at the road. Outside my window, the road is clear as the warmth melts the snow. Focusing on the beauty, I ignore all the inconvenience a snow storm can bring, while focusing on the beauty of the snow flakes. Fresh flower bulbs wait safely in my garage for proper planting in the back yard. The tree buds haven’t begun to swell yet, still in their deep winter dormancy.

In a mindful state, my thoughts turn to grateful feelings I have for the beautiful place I live. It is stunning and alive. The snowstorm will transforming my little world for a short time. Like a child playing dress up, Winterpast is again cloaked in white. The work that awaits me in the next weeks is under the cover of snow. I’m so grateful for the safety of my home. In these days of Covid, how lucky I am to have such a wonderful refuge. Such a comforting home in which to smile and laugh.

Laughter is a huge part of my happiness these days. Big booming bolts of laughter have been shaking me to my core, as I am getting to know a brand new friend. Not just any friend, I must admit. A most unusual person, unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. As laughter ricochets off the walls, happiness is blooming around here. A good sense of humor is essential for any happy household, and Winterpast has been comedy central for the past few weeks.

After laughter has subsided, and friends have gone, solitude is readily available in this the age of Covid. I’ve found that being alone, and accepting the silence as an old friend has strengthened self-respect and self-love. The quiet gives me time to sort out my feelings. I can dance in the kitchen while making tacos for one, singing badly to my favorite ’80’s tunes. All the while, I find peace and contentment in my own little world of happy.

Writing every day, I’ve found my lifelong passion. As I do what I love, happiness grows. Through the years, I was blessed to have a teaching career that brought me satisfaction and contentment every day. My students were a constant reminder that living in the moment provides wonder. They were a teachable moment in gaiety, from the minute they entered our classroom, until the last one scurried home for the day. Happiness springs eternal days of youth. Looking back at childhood photos, the joy spans decades bringing me back to days of wonder and endless summers of cheerfulness.

As the days go by, I am finding I carry fewer regrets. Trying to grab at yesterday leaves one with a sore arm and an empty hand. Projecting into tomorrow sends us shooting arrows into thin air, with no assurance of where they will land. Today is the day to seize laughter, wonder, gratitude, forgiveness, and love, while being mindful of the beauty that surrounds us. True beauty is everywhere, but, it begins in a happy heart.

The snow is starting to stick to the pavement and I think I’ll be snowed in for a bit. Worse things could happy. For now, where’s the popcorn? I’m going to watch a comedy and laugh a little while.

Adventures in Gardening

There’s no denying the fact that spring is knocking at our door! Yesterday, the sun shone brightly as the winds raced across my high desert hide-away. The birds remain focused on their happy little songs, while I’m deep into planning my own backyard bliss.

This morning, while waking from a great night’s sleep, the most interesting item I found. An expandable wall of fake greenery. Yes!. Ivy-like greenery that is instant on an expandable frame. I can think of so many uses for this, including but not limited to, the side of the RV barn, which is expansive and bare, the back fence, which is also bare, and most of all, as a privacy shield near the new hot tub! As this stuff is rather pricey, I need to start with one panel and evaluate the uses.

I have rounded the bend and am now a true Senior Citizen.

For years, repulsed by fakery, I would look away at gardeners that chose plastic grass over the real thing. Just turned my head in horror. There’s no substitute for the soft, sweet smell of a freshly cut lawn, or the feel of soft grass as you lay down to look at the clouds above. Now, I find myself on the brink of installing fake lawn in my front yard. The times they are a changing.

In the high desert, the choice of landscaping material is rock. Sadly. Rather like living in a real life version of the Flint Stones. Red rock. White rock. Red and White rock. Tan rock. Big rock. Small rock. Decomposing rock. Sand. All sensible choices when water is at a premium price. Winterpast, however, is adorned in green. She may be the last of her kind, and I’m thrilled to be her care taker. I’ll make sure she gets a drink before I do. An oasis that I tend to with loving care. My back yard brings summer comfort with rustling leaves, funneling desert winds in just the right directions. It is truly paradise for me.

Considering plans for the the front yard, I have different thoughts. When I bought the house, it was time for a little change. Over the years, the plants had become unruly and overgrown. It was with change in mind that I had them removed last fall. Now, the yard is like an unpainted canvas, ready for splashes of color and a new plan. My plan is to make it inviting, with zero maintenance required. I have enough work in the backyard for two homes.

When considering options, I decided on fake lawn instead of white rock. Luscious, inviting, multi-height and colored leaf blades of grass, inviting enough to look like it needs a quick mow. Lawn at the perfect height and color, yet never requiring a drink or mow. Just an occasional sprinkling to remove the desert dust. PLASTIC LAWN. That will fit into my plans perfectly.

Along with that, I plan to rework a the large, curvy flower bed, replacing roses and shrubs. A dash of paint on the front door and porch railing, and the spring projects will be complete. Winterpast will, again, look like a million bucks.

Yard work is so many things to me. Time to think. A creative outlet with unlimited DYI projects awaiting. Science projects in the form of soil analysis and additives. Ecosystem analysis striving to find the right number of predators and prey. Sunshine and Vitamin D therapy. Bed-less-tanning with a side of cardio. All those things wrapped up into gardening.

In my neighborhood, it also means social interactions with helpful visitors. Working in the front yard promises plenty of conversations as the procession of walkers trickles by. In the high desert, it’s still customary to wave at every passing car with a toothy smile and large wave. Mask-less walkers stop to comment on the improvements with their own suggestions thrown in for good measure. It’s a happy place full of wonderful friends I have yet to meet. Winterpast is the place I’m thriving.

Gardens will share a lot about life with you if given a chance. The new buds of spring are ready to open, in spite of the frosts that are sure to come. No worries. They bud and leaf out again and again, always pointing towards the sun-filled days of spring. The cycles of life go round and round, affirming hope and faith in a bright today.

Ready for adventure? Look in your own back yard!

Hello, God. Can We Talk?

Dear God,

Do you have a minute to talk? Through sheer faith in you, I’ve made it through some pretty fierce times recently. As the last of winter’s raging winds howl outside my house, I decided there are some things I’ve needed to say for awhile.

First of all, Thank you, God, for carrying me through the raging fires of Cancer, the loss of VST, and the loneliness of widowhood. You’ve been beside me through nights when the loss was blacker than the darkness. Lonelier than prison walls. You’ve also been there when happiness overwhelmed the sads. Present for all of my 65 years, you’ve sometimes cheered me on, and other times wept at the poor choices I’ve made along the way. I’ve only needed to ask for strength to carry on, and you’ve always provided what’s been needed in my life. For all those gifts, I’m eternally grateful.

So many times in my life, you’ve answered my prayers. You’ve given me beautiful and healthy babies to love and children to raise, a husband that cherished me throughout our lives together, and a multitude of blessings, too numerous to count. When my prayers weren’t answered, I accepted that your plan would unfold, even if it wasn’t the plan we would’ve wished for. You’ve offered a heavenly sanctuary for VST and everyone else ever loved and lost to heaven. In that, you have answered my prayers with the knowledge that VST is safe and happy with you.

A gift I could use right about now is clarity. Clarity in decision making. In relationships. In choosing new people to share my life. Clarity in life, helping me to rise above fear and doubt. As a mere mortal woman, the waters of life can get muddied. A few road signs along the way would sure help as I make my way in this complicated world.

Today, as my friends and I were shopping at a Garden Center, I noticed your smile in the spring flowers there. As the wind made leaves dance, I heard your whispers of happiness. As stray snow flakes fell from a random cloud on high, I saw you wave to me. The natural beauty with which you have blanketed the high desert in which I live is a treat for my eyes. I feel the need to thank you for that natural beauty surrounding me every time I leave Winterpast.

Lord, in my world, I smile more often now. You’ve blessed me with friends and family that have supported me through the last year. You’ve provided for my every need, through days of doctors, cancer, and death. You carried me through the flames as I lost VST, preventing me from being burned in the process. You’ve helped me to heal through faith, hope, trust, and love. For these gifts I am truly grateful.

It has been said that “She who kneels before God can stand before anything.” I kneel now, thanking you for the recent blessing you have bestowed on me. Truly answering my quiet and heartfelt prayers, I thank you for hearing my plea and answering me with the beautiful gift of love and peace.

God, I hope you rest sometimes. This old world is a place full of busy demons. Please, take in some happiness and wonder at the beauty that is your creation. Don’t give up on us. We are doing the best we can in very hard times.

Thanks for listening, God. If you run into my sweet and humble VST, would you please give him a special “Hello” from me? Fill him in on the happiness that’s surrounding me these days. It is because of your love and care that I can and will go on. That goes for VST, too.

With Love and Adoration,

Your Faithful Servant,

Joy

Reflections on Eleven Months Gone

Today, VST’s been gone eleven months while I’ve been left to regenerate. During our lives together, we were rarely apart eleven hours, let alone months. So much has changed during that time. Along with his physical absence, gone are traditions and activities once taken for granted. In many ways, I’m glad he didn’t need to suffer through the last eleven months with us all, as he would’ve resisted all the changes in a big way.

When VST passed last April, Covid Terror was striking everywhere. There was no normal in which to fall back on or cling to. Even the simplest activity, such as sharing a meal with friends was eliminated. I found myself alone with stacks of boxes, awaiting movers that would arrive 17 days after widowhood did. There was no changing or stopping a million little details that needed attending, as new buyers were moving in right after the last dust bunny had been swept away in the Dunmovin House. Harrowing days of loneliness swirled together with the frenzy of a huge move. Big risks, and bigger unknowns. All while grieving for the loss of one-half of my being.

Last night, a friend and I spoke after reading the blog of the first time. In a concerned voice, I sensed a worry that something was missed in the times we’ve spent together. Was I really okay? Who was this Grieving Gardener? This caused immediate concerns that I’ve missed something while lost in Widow’s Wilderness. After a few sleepless hours last night, I’ve returned to my psychological base camp. I’m doing just fine, for me. In my own way, I’ve made it through an emotional and barren landscape of grief. Such a personal path of growth, it becomes impossible to explain the transformation and healing, except by gauging one’s own heart. Mine is doing well, although changed forever.

This month, my last word describing VST and our relationship is REFLECTIONS. We were always reflecting on our course through life, deciding whether to remain on a path, or veer right or left. Reflections reminded us that time was precious beyond anything else we owned. Reflecting on our relationship, we found ways to repair the things we could, and accept the things that were impassable. Through the course of more than three decades, we made a beautiful life together, unique and our own.

Reflections in my mirror show a woman I’m just now getting to know and like. Strong and beautiful in a very quirky way, I’m exhausted, yet resilient and strong. Not an athlete myself, I’ve never finished a grueling race or made 17 runs down the slopes of Sugar Bowl, but I’d expect that April 8th will be such a day. Banged up and battered, I’ll plant my flag. I’m a survivor, completing my first year of life as a single woman. Never realizing my identity was so intertwined with the rigors of being a good wife, a rebooting was necessary. As I heal, there is contented happiness found in discovering who I am now. Since September 24th, 2020, writing has been a way to vent my pain and suffering, but also delight in new discoveries and personal growth. Without words, I couldn’t have come this far.

Today, I’ll release eleven colorful balloons to the heavens. I remember May 8, 2020. A very scared, lonely widow stood in my back yard with one solitary balloon. At exactly 10:30 am, the balloon was release amid painful tears, and she dropped to her knees and spilled tears into the lush lawn. Oh, yeah. That was me. My balloon releases have been meaningful and healing. Each month, with one more added to the bouquet, the beauty of the moment is remembered and acknowledged. Each month, the experience changed in subtle ways. Each month, I’ve changed as I heal.

I’ll never be the old me that was a side kick to a very complicated and wonderful VST. He taught me a lot about cherishing things that are most important in life. He also taught me a lot about things I’ll never accept in my life, again. This is my time now. The choices I make will write the last chapter of my life. VST-isms will guide some decisions, while Joy-isms will make final call.

Surprising me some days, the trust I’m finding in my own judgement is refreshing. In the last years of our marriage, I found it easier to trust VST and his wisdom, accepting decisions he made for the both of us. Laziness? Partly, yes. With a final acceptance that VST was the man, and men just know. Guess what??? Women know just as much about important things. Trusting myself now, I’m finding new skills, while using my intuition to guide me.

Today’s personal reflection won’t be the same tomorrow. Growth changes the reflection in subtle ways. Grateful for a wonderful life together, I was blessed to find love with VST. Now, I’m equally blessed to find I love myself.

Love, Everlasting

Everyone is searching for one true love. That person that’s the first you receive a smile from in the early morning, and the last you give a hug before dreams blanket you both. The person that knows you better than you do yourself, at times. The ONE. The trouble is, ONE can become ZERO if Cancer comes knocking. Such is the situation in which I find myself, along with millions of other widows and widowers in this world. It’s just a sad fact of life.

A few nights ago, I was trying to explain the wilderness of widowhood to a new friend. I found myself searching for a string of words that could explain my experience, while floundering and becoming tongue tied. In the final analysis, there are some things known only to the heart. There is a serious language barrier when trying share the experience in words. In My experience, emotional heart aches can’t adequately be translated into explanations. And yet, I try.

VST and I were a complete circuit of electricity. For decades, we functioned in one complicated sphere of knowing. If you’ve been lucky enough to experience this with another, you understand. He was my person between 1987 through 2020. Plain and simple. With little room for others, we flew through life like two crows. Some days soaring, some days on the ground, picking on road kill. Truly. Life is like that some days. So is love. We were blessed with a great marriage, working like hell to keep it as good as it could be. It was our collective focus.

Going through life with a completed circuit board is equally as bad as grieving for the person lost. My life, nuclear-powered with VST, is now powered by me alone. Rather like moving from the automobile age, back to the days of the horse drawn cart. Slow and laborious, everything demands the effort of one, so much easier and more fun with two. Some tasks have fallen by the wayside until I find ways to accomplish them on my own. Other things just get hired out. A marvelous concept.

Contemplating the next phase of my life, I’m sure of one thing. At 65, journeying alone can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I accept solitude for the rest of my life, that is exactly how I’ll exist. Alone and lonely. Having experienced the brilliance of love for three decades, the loneliness of solitude will cause a premature, withering death. Of that, I’m quite sure.

VST and I would banter as we drove mile after mile across country. He was sure he would leave this world first, while I knew it would be me. Neither of us believed it would happen for years. We were racing through retirement like children at recess. Screaming our heads off as we ran down the sidewalk of life. Eating ice cream for breakfast, if we felt like it. All the while, cradling the love that was our marriage. We were blessed with the biggest blessing a couple can have. Love Everlasting. For that blessing, I am eternally grateful.

Springtime comes with wonderful changes. March winds blow outside Winterpast, making me feel like putting on a nice pot of soup. Sunshine is greening my lawn. Optimism is in the air. I’m the author of my own pages, now. Choosing to write in rainbow colors, I remember the past, while living in the moment.

Mindful.

Hopeful.

Faithful.

Happy.

This lonely heart wants be happy again. I’ve been wishing for a new friend with which to walk. Someone who shares my smile, while listening carefully. I know God has something wonderful planned for me. Stay tuned. This will be one great read.

Friendships Start With Hello

In this mask covered world in which we live, it seems an impossibility to make new friends. No way to show a smile or concern, it becomes difficult to direct a new conversation towards someone that can’t see half a face in which to gauge intent. So, we all just hurry in and scurry out, missing those moments which were once used to connect with others. In doing so, we miss a million chances to make new friendships.

Since April and my move to this new town, I’ve become best of friends with myself. I know all my favorite habits. Opinions on television shows. Best dinner routines. Favorite snacks. Things that bring me down and those that cheer me up. I know them all. While quarantining, I’ve become an advocate and best friend to one. Myself. Never have I been so alone, yet never have I had such great company. I’ve slowed to a pace in which I listen to my own voice, checking on whether new opinions still match up with my heart’s core values.

The garden has talked to me in brilliant roses shaded in yellows and coral. The birds throw in their opinions as they flit and fly here and there. Oliver speaks his peace, giving me heck if I don’t grant him the proper amount of respect. The trees watch over us all, still holding back their leaves of green. The garden has a lot to say about my mental state. Right now, it says I’ve been a little less diligent on keeping the grounds spotless. Perhaps a little more consumed I’ve been about the days that are rolling on towards April 8 and VST’s heavenersary.

Thank goodness the phone does ring from time to time. My bestie, CC, keeps tabs on my shenanigans. Speaking to her, I hear my true self. She knows exactly what’s in my heart and what’s missing. Thank goodness someone does. When I get a little ahead of myself, she reminds me that I need to take things just a little slower. Our best conversations of late have been those of real girl secrets told over giggles and sighs. Secrets you tell someone that shares only best wishes for you. To have a CC in your life makes you a very blessed person, indeed.

CC snapped our wedding pictures the day VST and I married. Quietly capturing two young lovers exchanging vows, she gave me the greatest gift all those years ago. A visual feast of one of the best days for VST and me. The ghosts of those gone before gaze back from my wedding album. Our parents all gone ahead, now have fun with VST in heaven. A sister, dear old friends, and acquaintances, remain only in images on paper, now. CC caught all that in pictures, giving us the best wedding present we could’ve asked for.

Through the years, we’ve shared child rearing, a house once, long ago, divorce nightmares, dance floors and dates, 2nd weddings, and cancer’s theft of our beloved husbands. Now, we share widowhood. It cloaks our conversations in odd ways. We both know what the other experienced. There are days when we discuss the hows and whys of our widowhoods, and there are days we’d both like to forget.

These days, we have lots to discuss and laugh about in the ways of Senior Citizen Dating. At our age, we might be expected to be in dual rockers, knitting socks and sweaters for grandchildren. But, we’re far from that stage of life. Having a best friend that knows me better than anyone else in the world is comforting. As we exchange findings in our dating research, we’ve found new topics in which to howl with laughter. Laughter remains the best cure for what ails anyone, and we find our conversations delightfully healing.

The day I met CC, we were at a community meeting, protesting proposed apartments in our little suburb. CC and I talked after the meeting and it was obvious. We were both interested in our quiet neighborhood, wanting it to remain that way. There was also a fiery spark of friendship between us. With one Hello, we became friends of the very best kind, long before the day of masks and political correctness, in a time when a smile to another could be reciprocated and returned.

As Joni says,

“And the seaons, they go round and round

and the painted ponies go up and down.

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return, we can only look

Behind from where we came,

And go round and round and round in the circle game.

I’m so lucky CC is in my orbital space. I’m glad we took a chance on Friendship over forty years ago on that spring day as we held babies, our own. Riding those ponies through the seasons, we are, she and I. Friends to the end.

Say Hello to people today. Smile at your neighbors. Take a chance and wave. You just never know when you might meet a new friend.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

In every life we have some trouble

But when you worry you make it double,

Don’t worry, Be happy. Bobby McFerrin

VST loved music. His main genre was Country Western. It was there he felt the most relaxed, remembering times with his Grandfather and parents, enjoying Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys. When I met VST, he knew no other kind of music. Just the singing guitar and songs like “Bill Ball’s in Cowtown” or “Drop Kick Me, Jesus,Through The Goal Posts of Life”. But, with five children, ages pre-teen down to six, and me, his musical life was to change.

As a child, I was raised on musicals, dreamy girl songs from South Pacific or Oklahoma were always playing. When VST and I our blended our families into one, an eclectic combination of musical taste emerged. My youngest son would be taken over over by Michael Jackson’s, Bad, while VST’s son was enjoying M.C.Hammer. The kids and I were always listening to music of one kind or another, with my taste staying near the 70’s or 80’s pop.

Somewhere in this mix, VST was exposed to the song, Don’t Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin. It was then, his mom began to worry about him. VST loved this song and would listen to it often, never missing a single word. He would even nail the whistling. The important point was, he got the message. VST chose to be happy whenever possible. Optimism was his superpower, lightening dark moments with a joke, or just a look in which he would raise one eyebrow higher than the other. I love laughing with him and happiness infected and brightened our days.

Soon the song was the favorite of all the kids, as well as VST and me. A coffee cup with the inscription Don’t Worry, Be Happy, sat on his desk as a reminder. Everyone knew this was VST’s theme song.

One day, his mom took him aside, after he had played the song repeatedly for her.

“Don’t you still like Country Western?” intently, she asked as she awaited the answer.

He just laughed and that became a joke tied to the entire subject of music. VST WAS Country at his core. One reggae song couldn’t change that and never did. As Terry lay still and gravely ill, I sang “On The Wings of A Dove” to him. One of his favorites, I know he forgave my quivering voice as I sang the entire song. I know those wings carried him to heaven as he left us.

Sweet K gave me a printed version of the words to Don’t Worry, Be Happy in the shape of a heart. Adorable, and a reminder that VST is hoping we are all happy and doing well. He is in heaven singing, his bass voice complimenting all the soprano angels. Keep singing VST. Keep smiling. We will all be together again someday.

Until then, I’ll remember, Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

For other boosts of happiness, Try—

The Happy Song — Pharrell Williams

Fireworks — Katy Perry

Can’t Stop the Feeling –Justin Timberlake.

That should get you in the mood for happiness!!!

My Winter Is Past

My beloved speaks and says to me:

‘Arise my love, my fair one,

and come away;

for now the winter is past,

the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth;

the time of singing has come,

And the voice of the turtle-dove

is heard in our land.

The fig tree puts forth its figs,

and the vines are in blossom;

they give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my fair one,

and come away.

O, my dove, in the clefts of the rock,

in the covert of the cliff,

let me see your face,

let me hear your voice;

for your voice is sweet,

and your face is lovely.

My beloved is mine and I am his.

Song of Solomon 2: 10-14

Winterpast. My house is truly living up to her name, blessed with this name at VST’s eulogy. She is strong and warm, sheltering me through rough seasons, starting last spring. She has given me shelter through the hottest of summer days, and protected me from high desert winds that have howled through many nights. Tears have fallen within her walls, but laughter blooms now, full and rich. Happiness grows by leaps and bounds. Acceptance of life on life’s terms has made a slow and steady healing possible.

This will be the first spring in which I can watch the rustlings of new life in the little bird houses. Irises will stretch their leaves towards the heavens as I watch intently. With lawn dressed in luscious green, I’m the caretaker of wonder for now. The slave to the imminent work that’ll appear as I care for my gardens. In this spring, I, too, can bloom in laughter and optimism. This is the first year of my womanhood, while standing firmly on my own two feet. This is the first year of my new story.

After April 8th, I’ll no longer identify as a widow. Of course, a widow I’ll always be. But, after the first year, I choose to identify as a woman. Just that. Normal. Old. Senior Citizen. Crone. Beautiful. Karen-ish-ly spoiled. High Maintenance. Woman. For to continue to identify as a widow will keep me from the rest of my life here on earth. A life that, I promise you, will explode like the biggest fire works display you’ve ever seen. In my attempt to reach the heavens from my earthly platform, I’m living my best life here on earth.

Winterpast has seen it all. Secrets will be kept in her soul, as she is a true home. An intimate cocoon in which I’m my true self. Her gardens are my touchstone to creativity and life. She is an outward expression of everything good that is inside me. She is my Winter Past. My Moving Forward. My Safe Place. Love your home, because, after all, Home IS Love.

Bon Appetit! For One? A Feat!

Meal time. Not sure about your situation, but, around here, meals for one are not fun to plan. Just a year ago, like clockwork, VST would remind me that mealtime was imminent. Just what would it be? Finding me deep in a project, he’d ask if I’d planned something or if we were on our own. Meals were always shared, so the answer was one of two. I had something in mind or we were going to hunt and gather. Always. VST didn’t cook.

Now, meal times sneak up, surprisingly stealth. Without another to share something prepared, my nutritional intake is out of whack. This is not healthy and it’s certainly not making me happy. Many days, my new Ninja 5-In-1 Grill sits shiny clean and ready to grill. My Omaha meats lay individually wrapped in their frozen state waiting for culinary inspiration. Having thrown away more vegetables than I care to report, I bought more today. I fear their fate is the same as the rest if things don’t change.

Breakfast around here is an easy fix. Doing very well on a high protein, low carb diet, eggs are my go to meal, scrambled with a spoonful of salsa if I’m feeling feisty. That with a cup of coffee and my motor is running. Off to the day, whatever that may hold.

After a protein snack at 10, lunchtime starts to get a little troublesome. I’ve found that Subway provides three meals of nourishment from a Foot Long sandwich. More days than I want to count, their fresh veggies and meats on freshly cooked bread have kept me alive. My town is very lucky to have a wonderful Subway with the sweetest sandwich artists. The sandwich bread provides my carbs for the entire day.

Dinner sends me over the edge. I’m not a great cook. Usually, I’m not even a kind-of-good cook. I really don’t like to cook, so what I prepare is usually not yummy. Eating alone brings out the need for culinary perfection, which I never attain. The Ninja has helped quite a bit, and there IS the ice cream maker, my star appliance. But, one cannot live on grilled burgers or ice cream alone. Here-in lies the problem.

As many of you know, I’ve booked a 15 day cruise in December. Just the thought of 45 gourmet meals at the ready is enough to cause a widowed non-cook to dance her best jig. Some may go to a spa for pampering. Just point me to the best diner in town and I’m in bliss. Homemade pie? All the better.

In research for today’s blog, I ran across a website called Onedishkitchen.com. Looking at the recipes, it gives me hope that I could prepare any one of them and enjoy dinner again. The biggest trouble I’ve had is preparing a recipe which is designed for four people, while I’m just one. Not being a connoisseur of Left-Overs, there is always wasted time, money, and food. A terrible tri-fecta.

You would think that after 327 days, or 47 weeks of widowhood, I’d have this basic need figured out. I think back to the first days after losing VST in Virginia City (VC) when the local diner kept me alive with fried chicken, tacos, and cheese cake. Not cooking during Months One through Ten could be excused for a variety of reasons, but now, there is no excuse. I need to get it together in the kitchen and nourish myself.

One inspiring movie that got me to thinking about a kitchen challenge is Julie & Julia. A cute story about a young woman smitten with Julia Child who decided to take a year to create all her recipes and blog about the experience. The parts about blogging made me laugh, realizing anyone that has ever started a blog probably goes through similar emotions. If you haven’t seen the movie, you might enjoy it.

I’ve also started watching the Food Network, with holiday baking shows holding my attention. Being a baker at heart, let’s forget the other food groups and just focus on sugar, flour, fondant, and chocolate. Add some holiday pastel’s and call it good.

Thanks for listening to my latest lament about widowhood. I’m off to prepare a breakfast for a champion and start my day. Remember to nourish your body and soul, as you find your way through widowhood.

Some Things Take Time and a Great Gardener

Yesterday, the doorbell alerted me to the welcome sight of delivery men with my long awaited hot tub cover. The hot tub has been a wonderful indulgence, providing hours under the stars to contemplate life as a published author, among other things. Bubbles of luxury allow relaxation to overtake me, preparing my mind for hours of deep sleep. Yes, the hot tub was an important addition, although I’ll agree, a wee bit extravagant.

A girlfriend went a less expensive route, buying a “Spa-In-A-Box” (SIAB) for $400 at WalMart. Having soaked in both, her SIAB is absolutely perfect for her situation, and also delivers relaxation and a place to unwind. Good for moderate climates and three seasons, her tub is currently deflated and in the garage, awaiting warmer days. So many options are available when considering the addition of a hot tub to your life. Being outdoors in a tub of hot water is wonderful no matter the vessel in which you soak.

Delivered on Super Bowl Sunday, my spa was quickly hooked up by T, VST’s son, (totally claimed as my own). High desert temps are not especially friendly when attempting to turn cold water into 104 degrees of heated luxury. The cover was back ordered, while I was assured it would be shipped separately and quickly. So. I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited, until I finally reached out to investigate the cause of the delay. With several contacts, I finally found my cover angel and the problem was resolved.

Not before I received last months power bill.

Yikes.

Just.

Yikes.

Now, with the cover in place, I have every hope that the bill will return to a more acceptable amount.

The point of the story is this. I could’ve been raging since Super Bowl Sunday, demanding a cover that was back ordered and unavailable. I could’ve spent more money and ordered another cover. I could’ve sent angry emails and posted horrific company revues. But why? The outcome wouldn’t have changed. I chose time to relax and be happy in a beautiful, bubbly, luxuriously, wonderful spa while practicing patience. The cover arrived, and all is well. Happy ending.

Two days prior, a most welcomed visitor stopped by. Yielding his magic on several of my neighbor’s yards as spring approaches, my beloved gardener rang. A most interesting guy, he’s a proud new citizen, knowledgeable in every aspect of gardening and yards. He has a real occupation, but gardening is his passion, listening to Lindsey Stirling music while working magic on the yard.

As Senor B and I took inventory of needed projects, I found myself agreeing with him on necessary pruning and tillage. These are two jobs I can’t do myself, if only for the magnitude of the job. With over 25 trees of all varieties, all 10-16 years in age on 1/2 acre, there is no way for me to accomplish that task alone, or even with help. I needed to Fold ’em and say, “How much and when?” With answers to those questions, the pruning project will commence, including the removal of debris.

As a solitary widowed senior citizen, there are some things I COULD do, but SHOULD NOT do. Pruning on a ladder can tumble one right into a hospital emergency room. Not something I can accomplish at 65 years of age. I can hear a collective sigh of relief from my kids (that are not kids, but amazing adults). Thank goodness for Senor B and his staff of helpers.

There are so many spring projects left to complete. Using the warming afternoons to start spiffing up the place, my days are busier now. The high desert winter afternoons are choking out snow and cold. The bluest of skies are back with puffy white clouds streaking through. I’ll never grow tired of the beautiful place in which I live and thrive. Even the mustangs are spring-time-feisty these days.

Sometimes we all need to accept help, while taking a breath as we realize our limitations. Some things planned take time. Grief appears, demanding attention. Keep faith that spring will hold a recognizable normal, something for which we are all longing. Smile as you step outside into the sunshine. It’s good for what ails us.

Wake Up! Day’s A-Wastin’!

Oh, the joys of a fresh week! Just like getting a brand new journal in which to write! The possibilities are endless and the first words a delight to behold. So is it on this Monday morning as the sun is just peeking out of the East. The birds are singing outside my window as the week begins its journey onward.

I find comfort in the bustle of Monday morning. Commuters all leaving to head off to their jobs. Kids slowly finding their way back to classrooms. Teaching long ago, Monday morning meant different things to different kids. To some it meant saying goodbye to enriching experiences with their parents. A trip to the beach or snow. Immersion into a favorite book they had been waiting to begin. Or just time to rest their brains after a busy week. For a sad few it meant relief from a horrific home life and the promise of a hot breakfast while returning to a comforting routine.

For us all, it meant a week together as one functional Third Grade family. Room 20 was a place of safety and learning. First and foremost. It was a place in which we counted minutes as carefully as nuggets of gold, because they were that precious. It was there we all learned about time management. A day is a terrible thing to waste, because you can never get the minutes back. We made sure we spent them wisely.

As you can tell, I miss spending time with students. There is an amazing exchange that occurs between a wise and loving teacher and her kiddos. If your children or grandchildren are with such a person, please remember to thank them every day. When I taught, kids were with me more than with their parents, Monday through Friday. It was if I was their moon and the stars as they mine. Through that trust and friendship, I showed them the world of words, watching and learning as they became writers. Some would beg to write through lunch. True. Imagine my delight.

Never an athlete, I was a terrible PE teacher, unless it involved telling a story about injuries and how to avoid them. I wasn’t much better at math, carefully studying lessons the night before and hoping I didn’t misspeak, as the kids listened intently. Language Arts was my wheelhouse, and the kids spun into a kaleidoscope of verbs, nouns, adverbs, prepositional phrases and more. They spun ideas and stories into a vast array of thoughts we stapled proudly to the walls. They went on to do great things, one in a doctoral program learning to help disadvantaged children. Another surprising me as a pediatric nurse with her stethoscope hanging proudly over her scrubs. Hundreds more doing great things I can only imagine.

They came to me knowing letters and words, and in one school year flew away as writers. They always took a bit of my heart with them that last day, scooting out the door into summer. During 180 days together, they took memories of the time spent learning about important events and thoughts. They left me with my own memories of precious hours spent with golden children.

My teacher manuals rest on a shelf in the garage, long outdated for newer versions. Teaching strategies that worked well in the 1900’s have been replaced. Covid now tethers children to home computers where things might be great or not so great. “Teacher” has become a flat vision on a screen, not a sweet woman that could comb your hair for you before school because mom didn’t have time. Not the yard duty woman on the playground on a foggy morning giving out free hugs to whoever needed one. Not the whistle yielding ninja that could stop a running child from slipping on ice. Just a flat screen reciting the days lesson with no chance to see your reaction or watch your feet tapping softly because you really didn’t understand.

These days, my own time management is focused on personal writing as thoughts and words splashing up on the screen. My heart has waited patiently for years to tell its stories. Now it’s my time to practice grammar and spelling skills. A time to vent from my soul. Minutes now equal stories, weeks away from becoming my first book.

Monday. It is a fantastic day with possibilities for the week. Even retired, Mondays are special. A chance for re-dos while changing up a routine that isn’t productive into one that sizzles. Wake up! Day’s a wastin’! Have a great Monday!

She-Shed in My Heart

It has been 326 days since I lost VST. The sweet lady on Day 1 and I are hardly recognizable as the same person in some ways, exactly the same in others. Learning along the way, I’ve become stronger, while appreciating everything it took to get me this far. Safe and happy, I approach the milestone of Month 11, only a week away.

The observance of the One Year Milestone will occur at our favorite place, Beach Town, USA. I’d never stayed there prior to enjoying it with VST. He made the place come alive with stories of his visits as a child, becoming a younger version of himself as he told them. Many times I asked whether we should have moved there instead of VC, but his answer was always the same. We’d never return to California, but continue to visit his beloved beach as often as we could.

326 days I’ve been in the wilderness of widowhood, however that number is only the days I’ve lived without him. The grieving started months before when Cancer threw curve balls that we dodged. Changes in personality and even the ability to stand normally while attaching a sign to a fence were written off to old age, as we snuggled into our dreams. A longing for our old life came to both of us months before Cancer made an entrance.

Thirty-nine days are left before I reach the Ist Heavenersary. The world needs names for everything and someone else coined this. Probably a way for Hallmark to pump out more cards. It works, because I’ve yet to meet any widow or widower to which this day is not horribly significant. A passage into another phase of life. Not to say I’m expecting things to be dramatically different, but they will be. Just as when 2021 arrived and I could finally say “VST died LAST YEAR”. A significant passage.

Yesterday, I realized my house needs a revamp that will be completed before I leave in early April. Just as the tide changes the appearance of a beach, pictures and mementos need to change places. Quite frankly, I’m turning my house into a She-Shed as there is just one SHE that lives here. It’s time to celebrate ME, discovering the style I love while I change things up. Yesterday, I started in the bedroom.

Spring cleaning the blinds, vacuuming under the bed, and polishing the furniture, the time to consider my adult taste in design has arrived. As a woman, it was already in place. The addition or movement of a picture can change up the focus which will be happening over the next month. It’s time for a few more precious and private possessions of VST to move to the guest room. For a few more drawers to become empty. It’s the final phase before I reach the Gate as I enter Year Two. It’s time.

Miss Firecracker and I had dinner last night. Being an absolutely sweet and wonderful friend with advise that is priceless, she knows all I tell her, and sees more I haven’t divulged in words. In careful discussions, our conversations tell me a lot, while her reactions tell me more. Everyone should have a Miss Firecracker as their bestie in life.

We’re both doing the same. Working in our nests, while working through our grief. Deciding what to sell, what to donate, what to box for the kids, and what to hold close to our hearts. Three decades and then some is a lifetime of sharing. Even a special pen can hold memories, given from a realtor as we sold the ranch. To others, it would be worthless, unable to produce ink on a page, but to Widow-Me, it is priceless. Miss Firecracker and I are going through this process. No one, other than another widow, knows the exhaustion this produces. Mental. Spiritual. Emotional. Physical. Cardiac. Total Exhaustion.

No one but a widow knows how good it feels with every box that is packed away. No one but another widow knows each box rips away a part of your heart that needs to heal all over again. As the process continues, the healing phase seems to go quicker, the goodbyes to precious items become easier.

There’s a peace in letting go of things to which one can no longer hold. That includes the longing for a mate that is gone. The strangest thing is this. I’ve let VST go thousands of times in thousands of ways. To release him totally to the universe is still impossible, and I suspect will be impossible for the rest of my life. His eternal love lives in my heart. No rearranging of those precious memories, as they adorn the most beautiful She-Shed that is my heart.

Three Weeks Left!

Looking at the calendar, I remember facing December 1st, and the dread I felt over the onset of winter. Not a “Central Valley of California” winter, where the lows never got much past freezing. High desert Northern Nevada winters where the high might reach 20, while the wind chill factor would be much lower than that. That kind of winter. Postcard winter-white days, with mustangs standing in snow, their woolly coats hiding protruding ribs. Winters in which the cloudy sky kept the sunshine hidden for days on end. Winter days when my garden slept soundly.

Well, Day One of spring is three weeks away!!! The time will change on March 14th, giving us long evenings to putter around in the garden. The birds are gearing up for new life. More exciting than that, my lawn knows. Yesterday, I spent some time cleaning up. The lawn had a hint of green, being just a tad warmer than the surrounding air under the protective blanket of decaying leaves. How exciting! It thrills the heart of any gardener. Mine is no exception.

I’m itching to bring out all the lawn and garden furniture I tucked away in November. But, the high, as I write, is 23. Still a little chilly to tan with a glass of lemonade. The optimism spring brings makes me want to jump the gun and drag things out. I just may need to act on that impulse.

For Christmas, I bought myself a new wind chime. One with beautiful tones that will sing softly as the breezes of spring blow across the desert. With the stronger winds of March, it will complain louder. Clanging will occur as torrential spring rains pummel the ground. My yard came prepared, with a complete drainage system to carry away water from flash floods. The desert is a brutal place in so many ways.

Back yard sounds bring thoughts of widowhood. The torrential sobs, out of control and vicious, that rack a new widow with agonizing pain during shock and denial. Soft voices bringing comfort to a broken heart as it suffers through pain and guilt. Depression, reflection, and loneliness that blow over in waves like a high desert wind storm. Just as the chopping hoe removes unwanted weeds and the rake smooths the ruts, life is reconstructed. As the garden blooms again in the warmth of the sun, the heart works through the unthinkable. Acceptance arrives, just as surely as spring has, year after year, century after century, since the beginning of time. Predictable and sure.

Winter in my yard has been silent. Octogenarian neighbors have huddled inside, not even asking gardeners come to bring relief from the quiet. Sounds, created miles away, drift slowly towards Winterpast. The sounds of nature have been my only company on most days, and know them well. I know how long it takes for a howling bank of wind to buffet my house. I know their usual path and the sound tells me their strength. How many city dwellers don’t even know the wind makes a sound? In my world, the wind IS the sound.

Even now, in the newest of light in the day, the birds are talking. Planning their course. Flirting. Little birdie dates are being made. The search for nest material has begun. The fight over the bird houses is in full swing. Spring! Spring! Spring!

Get your shovels sharpened, and take inventory of your garden tools. Don’t wait! Go buy some new bulbs and plants to dress the garden in color. Time to nourish the soil and prune the roses. The show is about to begin. Don’t be late. Three Weeks Left!!!!! SPRING!!!!!!

The Deep End

Warnings about the deep end should never be ignored.

Tell me somethin’, girl.

Are you happy in this modern world?

Or do you need more?

Is there something else you’re searching for?

***

Tell me somethin’, boy.

Aren’t you trying to fill that void?

Or do you want more?

Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?

***

I’m falling.

In all the good times I find myself

longing for a change.

And in the bad times

I fear myself.

(Words borrowed from “Shallows”. Song Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga from movie “A Star is Born”. Written by Andrew Wyatt, Anthony Rossomando, Mark Ronson, and Stefani Germanotta)

The Deep End. This applies to so many things in my tenth month of widowhood. Some days there are no shallows. No place to stand on the soft sand while the waves of Waikiki rock a person back and forth. No lengthy strands of shallow water in which to walk a very long way into the Pacific. No. Just unthinkably deep water in which some days this widow must tread like hell to stay afloat.

Spending most of my time at home now, I’ve been sheltered from the reality of damage wielded by Covid-19. Last weekend, a friend wanted to take me for a walk next to the Truckee River in the Biggest Little City in the World. A gorgeous river walk has been completed for some time, rivaling the most beautiful spots anywhere in the world. With the snow-capped Eastern Sierra peaks towering above, this park is tranquil.

Walking along, I was lulled into thoughts of how ridiculous it was to stay inside, cowering from life. I actually felt wonderful walking along this beautiful river, while watching a mallard couple flip their little bodies downward in the shallows to eat from the bottom of the river. Pointed duckie butts upward, their little orange feet whipped back and forth through the air. Just the two together, vulnerable to danger, as they ate whatever duckies eat.

The man-made portion of the Truckee River was pristine and inviting, with steps leading to the water’s edge. The most beautiful rocks had been placed invitingly for sitting with one’s feet in the river. With the bright blue sky overhead, the perfect number of white puffy clouds were overhead as if dashed up there by an artists brush. The sun warmed us, and if there was perfection in a moment, we were experiencing it.

Only a handful of brave souls were out for a walk in the sunshine. Sunshine is the best disinfectant ever. Having been a faux-hippie mom of the 70’s, I learned that hanging cloth diapers in the sun to dry after laundering disinfected them and bleached them pure white again. Sun and fresh air are great medicine and a healing element for cabin fever. The key is social distancing. It always has been.

As a child, my mother told about the days of polio or meningitis, when families would go to picnic near the local canal. Every family stayed a distance away from the next. Children didn’t go on play dates. You stayed with your own. Farmers knew these things already and didn’t need Public Service Announcements to explain it. You kept to yourselves. Any farmer worth his salt would immediately isolate a sick cow or pig from the others. It was common sense, uncommon today.

Walking along this perfect path on this perfect day, we enjoyed the moment. A man with a Harlem Globetrotter’s coat came up to us and wished us a wonderful year. An older gentleman, his eyes were kind as he smiled. He, too, knew the magic of a sunshine-y day next to the river. Goodness floated in the air as we exchanged niceties and both continued on our way.

It was then, we moved from the duckie shallows into the deep end. With a left turn, we entered the dark, real world of homelessness, poverty, despair, and abandoned hopes and dreams. In the bowels of the Biggest Little City in the World, it was immediately apparent to me that we were in the deep end of “No More”. The last time I had been in this part of town, VST and I were floundering in the deep end of Cancer. As I became our driver, we made several trips downtown for visits to CT and MRI machines. GI docs, and Oncologists. Just a year ago, the town was bustling. Store fronts advertised their goods. Visitors were crossing the street from one cavernous casino to the next. Now, the quiet ricocheted off the skyscrapers. Empty. Desolate. Urine stained streets. Beggars in alcoves. Immediately. The DEEP END. I feared for myself, while fearing others, as well.

Sunshine was gone, blocked by behemoth structures of stained concrete. There was no light or lightness in this place. As cars raced through the center of this place, they didn’t stop. No longer a hub of fun and activities, this was a wasteland of “What Was”. Broken humans, zombie like, dotted the sidewalk. Sadness coated me like an unwanted shower from a puddle splashed up from a rain soaked street.

My friend didn’t quite understand, being naturally skilled at swimming through these situations as a SEAL. In Sherpa-like fashion, he realized my fear and we returned to the JEEP, racing back to the safety of home.

Reflecting on that experience brings me back to my own widowhood. So many days and weeks string together like pearls of beauty. Happy days of buying bulbs for spring, or soaking in the new hot tub. Then, one picture or a song on the radio can cause momentary devastation, as if you hit a pot hole and need to tread water while getting back to the safety of the shallows. Never knowing when this might occur, the exhaustion from constant bombardment is deep.

Like the ducks, I find the shallows to be full of the best food and safety for now. There’ll be a time for venturing into the deep. For now, I’ll stick to wading.

Creating New Life

Every day, I feel lighter. This could be compared to a very long back packing trip, where supplies are consumed along the way. Putting on a pack each morning, it feels the same, but as the days go by, you begin to notice a difference. The stress and strain on your shoulders becomes less. You have more energy as you settle into the rhythmic pace of walking from here to there. So goes the journey through widowhood.

Reflecting back on earlier journal posts, I smile at the woman that began emerging ten months ago. Through a spring of widow’s fog, a summer of healing, the fall of exploration and a winter of reflection, along the way, I am getting to know myself on a much deeper level than ever before, while accepting that I am still pretty lost. A new life I’m creating of my own choosing. A journey full of so many twists and turns, it’s only through my own words, journal-ed on very lonely nights, that I am beginning to understand the strength and toll this took.

My studio has always been my secret hideaway. Girlhood trinkets and treasures remained hidden behind closed doors, safe from prying eyes. So much evidence saved from a life rich with wonderful experiences is hidden there. Those precious mementos need to move into plain sight for my own enjoyment. Winterpast is becoming the supreme She-Shed, all my own. I feel the spring bloom just around the corner, and I will blossom right along with the flowers in my garden.

Flowers. Today, I visited Lowe’s and to my utter delight, I found the first spring flowers on display outside the store. Being a wise and seasoned gardener, I know it is too early to plant delicate blooms. Dangerous frosts still await the high desert and these flowers are only a tease of the spring to come. That reflection I need to apply to my own life, so very tentative and fragile. Wanting to dance away from this nightmare is only normal. However, to dance too quickly can cause one to trip up and fall flat.

Writing continues to be an outlet that I am living for. This morning, a marketing webinar carried me deep into social media requirements, newsletters, and more blogging. Marketing my words will bring such satisfaction, for in my own thinking, I won’t be a REAL writer until the first book is published. Silly, as I publish ever day here on my blog. But, the words need to be un-delete-able on cream colored paper, page after page thrilling my new readers or bringing them to tears. 2021 is the year for this to happen, again, creating a new part of life that I haven’t experienced yet.

Friendship and laughter are alive and well inside Winterpast’s walls. Life is coming full circle to rest in a very happy space. Happiness hums me to sleep at night, while past memories bring smiles of a life well lived. As the new pages are written, I know this is what VST would have wanted for me when he asked if I would be happy living in Winterpast. Yes, VST. I am growing in happiness and light.

My marketing webinar had some very good advice for me this morning. In life, we must make short term and long term goals, while scheduling our days to make the most of valuable minutes given to us. One must believe in unique abilities and visualize wonderful accomplishments while staying the course. Then, we need to DO. Just DO whatever it is your heart says is the right thing.

2021. Stay tuned. Ready to take off and fly with my writing, the possibilities are endless. Thank you for reading, and stay tuned.

Spa Day in the Life of a Writer

Days for me are filled with write-able moments becoming the seeds for a wonderful story. When one can just sit for in the moment and soak up the sounds, sights, and smells around her, the stories are endless. Choose something and focus intently, you’ll be amazed.

On Holiday for 24 hours, I visited the most beautiful of spas. Last week, deciding my desert-dry skin needed some real revitalization, I booked a treatment at Spa Italiano in Sicily, Italy. Okay, couldn’t quite make it to Europe, so I chose a close knock off.

I don’t do spas. Well, I might need to change my thinking, as this was something not experienced in my 65 years. I guess I never chose the right one before. The first step was entering a store front. Just your usual overpriced lotions and potions. Wonderfully soft mittens and booties to capture all types of emollients, allowing them to work with the heat of your body. This shop was intoxicating, with colors soft, boxes intriguing. Checking in, I needed to embrace the art of relaxation.

The sweetest people work at these places. Where do they come from? Breathing lavender for eight hours a day softens any bitchiness that can boil beneath the surface. These ladies were the kindest of kind, ready to send me off to the land of nod. After taking the necessary information for payment, which could end a blissful state after treatment, they ushered me into Stage 0ne, the locker room. Presenting me with a robe that was out of the movies, they explained the procedures and left. This robe was like a mini-coccoon. Just the perfect size, luxurious and warm. Heavenly.

When ready, the first group of spa angels sent me heavenward in an elevator, explaining the spa was on three levels. Level one, although elegant, was functional. I wasn’t prepared for level two. The elevator door swooshed open to a retreat of the Italian kind. The lighting was just this side of dark. You could certainly see where you were going, but, the glare of the high desert sun was blocked with the absence of windows. A ceiling to floor waterfall reminded me of Hawaiian nature. Soft music calmed my nerves. This was the inner belly of Spa Italiano, and I had just purchased a ticket to nirvana.

Another spa angel gave me a bottle of water and escorted me to an inner sanctum of relaxation. Large, puffy, white leather chairs held my formally tense muscles, as I started to melt like a warm cube of butter. The world needs to go to a spa. Everyone. All at once. The peace in this room was overwhelming. Closing my eyes, I sipped cool water and listened to the wall of water tinkling its little tune. A true blessing, my world stopped and breathed in the delicate scents in the air.

After sitting at few minutes, the masseuse came through the door and gently called my name. Mrs. Hurt. How long it had been since someone had been thoughtful enough to call me by the precious name of Mrs. Hurt. VST was smiling in heaven, seeing that I was doing something really nice for myself. I felt it.

I followed her like a sheep into the treatment room. With respect for privacy throughout the treatment, she began. I purchased a mineral wrap. That sounds boring. This was anything but. Let me explain. You get scrubbed as one would lovingly prepare a potato for the oven. The application of a warm, scratchy scrub lifts off a layer of dead skin, leaving your skin feeling the softest. Of course, the stuff they use is like a buttery concoction of scents that go into your brain and flip the OFF switch. As I lay on a heated treatment bed that quietly went up and down, she worked on legs, arms and back. The music was attached to the bed, causing it to vibrate softly with the base notes. An immersion of the senses. I went to a place in which I forgot she was there, while nearly falling asleep.

After the application of a second heavenly moisturizer, the next part came. I was wrapped up in a thin plastic sheet conveniently hidden under the sheeting on the bed. I was left to ABSORB for a time. Just absorb the emollients and music, while laying on the warm bed wrapped in warmer towels. Peace. It was tranquil bliss.

When she returned, she went to a computer screen outside the shower and with a few taps of the buttons, she turned on the next part of this adventure. Left in privacy, I entered the shower of all showers, in which I could have remained forever. This shower was comprised for four small squares two on either side of the shower. With the temperature set at 102, these squares randomly showered. I swear it was timed to the music piped into the watery cubicle. The sequence in which these squares emitted water made the experience even better. With the perfect temperature and pressure, this shower rinsed away the first two applications and left me waiting for the third.

After drying, she returned for a head massage, and then the final application of dreamy moisturizer I could feel my body absorb. It was if my hungry skin was feasting on nourishment. Hard to explain. And with that, I was left to rest.

Fifty minutes of sheer heaven. At the end, I was taken through the reverse routine, and allowed to leave. I really wanted to sneak back up the elevator and hide until they closed, just absorbing the peace and quiet.

Not everyone has a Spa Italiano. Especially not a three-story one. Not everyone can go out in a Covid riddled world right now. But, most of us do have a regular shower that can create steam. However it works for you, plan a little spa date. Dim the lights. Start a candle. Warm your towels and take a moment for private relaxation. It seems I lost years of bad in a 50 minute trip to nirvana.

A holiday is a delightful thing to take. It doesn’t need to be days or weeks. It can be less than an hour. Everyone needs one, especially now. Good luck and bon voyage!

Waiting for Spring

Widowhood and retirement change this person’s views on weekly life. No longer are there two special days of the week to wait for or avoid. For decades, weekends were the days that held all the things that overflowed from the week. Fun things. Extra work. Chores. Time to think. Time to escape. All of those things wrapped up into two silly little days.

Nightly television programs were like stepping stones to the two days of the week we didn’t have any scheduled. Saturday and Sunday held a rhythmic sequence all their own, and we cherished them. Now, Saturday and Sunday are just two more days inserted into the 300+ days I’ve lived without VST. No meaning or function, they are like all the rest for me. Some days, they are hard to live through.

In the 1900’s, without things like Netflix or YouTube, a person was at the mercy of Saturday or Sunday morning cartoons. With little else to watch, one would be encouraged to actually open the door and see the world outside. Maybe even spend a day in it. Now, we are all easily seduced into hours of entertainment at any time of the day or night. It’s as if the world has turned into the interior of a giant casino. Anything you want to do can be done 24/7. Rhythms I grew up with are gone.

These days, the one constant is the seasons. Thank goodness for the solar ballet, keeping some yearly cycles predictably recognizable. Yesterday, sitting inside my house, the most beautiful day was on display outside. I’ve noticed that my trees, mature and grand, are stretching their buds, getting ready for life, again. It will take a little more time, but, the swelling of the branch tips tells me spring is just around the corner.

Last week, the holiest of time in the Christian faith began with Ash Wednesday. In my state, even the practice of placing a small smudged cross of ash on the forehead is now a distant memory, and ashes are sprinkled on the head. It seems every single tradition we have is being eliminated, all in fear of a deadly virus. At a time when faith is needed the most, it’s being challenged in strange and sad ways. Traditions are being eliminated, leaving many of us wondering what will be left when all the restrictions are lifted. I sat pondering this in my house, as the sun warmed the day.

It was then my something caught my eye at the back fence. A happy little gathering of the cutest kind. The birds have returned. Little ones, big ones. Red breasted robins hopping across the lawn. Little finches meeting up like old friends, deciding who will be lucky enough to move into the high rent district of my two little bird houses. Squawking crows overlooked the entire party. Just like that, the weekend entertainment had arrived on wings. Busily, the new tenants were racing to and fro, carrying little bits of fluff for the new nests. Winterpast slowly comes to life, as the calendar marches on towards March.

Sunshine is great therapy for those of us that grieve. Spring is a time that reaffirms the cycle of new life, after a winter of sadness and grief. There are amazing miracles happening in our own back yards, while we heal. Just open the window and watch. Happiness can surprise you on the wings of new little friends just doing their thing on a beautiful day.

Yesterday’s Sorrow

Just a year ago, if someone would have told me what today would bring, I would have said they were crazy. Unthinkable it was that VST would be brought down by cancer. With very minimal pain for a guy that was in perpetual arthritic pain, there was no way we could have known how soon our goodbye would come. A counselor referred to this situation as being similar to death by car crash. In many ways it was just that fast.

As life often does, the sudden finality left us all reeling. Remembering back, it was suggested in the sweetest of words that VST and I would take long walks together and say the proper farewell. That we could have “Love Story” moments, heart-breaking-ly sweet and tender in which we shared our last words with one another. Death had other ideas. There is nothing sweet and tender about cancer. There was no time for deep conversations that tied everything up with a bow.

Two days before VST passed, I had the rare moment to sit and hold his hand. He was slipping into a coma, but still held my hand as he had so often done strolling into Lowe’s with his Darlin’ at his side. Even though he said nothing, he was listening with eyes closed, and an open heart. As we sat quietly, I thanked him for the life he shared with me. For sharing my deepest worries and best successes. For being the one I would tell my secrets to, while knowing he would understand better than anyone else. Talking through my tears, I shared until he had slipped away from me into a world between here and there.

VST died the next day. He took half of me to heaven. Plain and simple, there is no other way to put it. Life went into a strange mode in which I needed to find my way alone. I continued to talk to him every day, while sharing my grief with the one person that would understand. My VST. I talked to him about everything. Wearing a mask while driving, it didn’t look weird as I continued to tell him about the latest problem or success. We had reversed roles, and I was now the driver, while he rode shotgun. Listening.

As the days turned into months and the season rolled on by, the conversations became less. Earthside friends filled in for him. Until I find myself in today.

Grief and widowhood are the strangest experience anyone can ever go through. Truly, a wilderness of the unexpected. The mind plays cruel tricks when you think you might have heard footsteps in the kitchen, or someone in the bathroom. You think of something sweet you just need to tell your loved one, and in a nano-second, you catch yourself remembering that you need to hold that until you meet again on the other side. But, each day, things get better. Slowly, you find yourself again. Little by little, you accept that life is different now that they are gone. You heal.

These days, I find that my sorrow has been replaced by a joy from deep within. There are so many things for which to be grateful. Just this morning, I was thinking of VST and his distrust and dislike for doctors. Having a brilliant and analytical mind, he knew very well how to choose the medical path right for him. I have no doubt, if given two years of medical treatments or one week of Hospice, he would have chosen the one week. He left me on his own terms, quietly closing the door as he escaped on that spring morning last year. As he left, he was no victim, but finding his own path to heaven with God’s help. I know that as well as I knew his scent in the dark, or his hand holding mine.

These days, when thinking about him, I often smile at stories that we wrote together. The kids. The farm. The mountain house. The cabin. VC. RVing. Just being us. The happiness we wrote as our life story is in my heart. I can turn the pages and remember it all any time I want, and now, it is comforting. The focus on what we created brings a peace that quiets the voice of what might have been. There is a comfortable place for the two to exist in my heart now, and that brings acceptance and closure.

No matter where you are in you journey of grief, please know, things will get better. They will never be the same. That’s a given. Somedays you will slide backwards. Somedays you will catapult forward. It is a crazy journey, this path through widowhood. But, as in any journey, it is possible to end up in a place of peace and happiness, with the best memories comforting you. It is this I wish for us all.

She Believed She Could So She Did

Belief in yourself is everything. Listening to a webinar by the prolific and amazing author, Kennedy Ryan, her main advice to new writers was simple. Make BELIEF your #1 strength. It’s an amazing superpower that can allow you to achieve more than you every dreamed you could. Believe IT into existence, whatever IT is for you.

Almost retired from teaching in California, VST and I were busily packing to move to Virginia City, Nevada. We had found our home and each weekend would drive six hours on Friday nights to get there with a load of our possessions. We did this 52 times before we were really able to say we were Nevadan’s. Often our friends would question us. Why? How? When? Few understood our need for a new adventure in a place where we knew no one, nor had family. They were mystified, while we believed in our plan.

One day, I was at a Lobby in a Hobby Store when I found the best coffee cup. White with gold polka dots, the inscription on the cup said, “She Believed She Could So She Did”. It was written for me. Throughout my life, things have happened that seemed insurmountable, if not for a core belief that I could survive and thrive. Sheer belief in my ability to conquer whatever problem stood in the way. VST and I shared this belief.

When VST and I first moved to VC, I was hired as a one year replacement for the science teacher at the VC Middle School. Although I’d taught a variety of classes from K-12, being a middle school science teacher is a whole different animal. I believed I could and I did. Nights that I wanted to cry, I did, but just a little. While drying tears, I buckled up and prepared curriculum for the next day, convincing myself that those kids were lucky to have a superior science teacher. Me. That year, our tiny mountain school of 96 kids had 6 entries in the Northern Nevada Science Fair, with one of my 8th graders taking 1st place in Environmental Science. I believed I could, but, also helped him believe he could. So we did, winning First Place!

When VST passed away, I needed to embrace that statement more than ever. There were many times when boxes way bigger than me needed hoisting down flights of stairs. They needed delivery to a storage area, only to be hoisted and moved again when the new house was mine . Financial issues needed to be handled quickly, but in the correct way. This by a woman that didn’t even know how much my monthly pension was, because VST was our banker. Decisions about the estate needed to be made from a woman that wasn’t a lawyer. Me. Friends needed to be selected when all I wanted to do was pick the first person I saw at Walmart and invite her into my life.

Through all those crazy times, it became clear that the more I believed in myself, the more I could accomplish. Little by little, the decisions that I’d made turned out to be right for me. Friends I picked are delightful. Winterpast became the best home I could have moved to. The new spa now bubbles away in the back yard. Oliver is thriving. My heart is smiling. Everything is okay.

It’s easy to get entangled in the triad of sadness, fear, and anger. I’ve written of these three comrades before, but they encourage a fourth. Self doubt. When those four get together, mental mayhem follows, leaving me to doubt everything. Believe me, when the sewer went down last week, those four had a field day wreaking havoc with my search for happiness. Thank goodness everything is now working as it should, and I am returning to normal.

I’ve needed to believe I could drive in a snow storm. That I could be the lone Hospice nurse. That I could let VST go when he needed to. That I could stand on my own two feet proudly, while honoring his memory. That I could take care of a 1/2 acre yard. That I could find life again, while smiling. That I could be strong enough to cry sometimes, too.

All those things are huge accomplisments of which I am very proud. But, I also found life will continue to throw hurdles at me. I can’t avoid them. I just need to believe that I can get through anything in life, because, quite frankly, I can. With belief, we all can accomplish great things.

The latest test will be my book, self-published later this year. My business waits to be created, about which I am learning by watching webinar after webinar. I’m able do this. I must do this. I will do this. This is the year, because I want it to be. I believe it is. And, so, it will be.

Readers, whatever you are dreaming, believe it IS already. No matter how fantastical you think the vision, just believe it to be attainable. It could be the smallest endeavor. Those are good places to start. Just believe in yourself. The rest will fall into place.

Ending the Journey

Widowhood has taken me on a trip I never expected. The highest of highs, and lows that seemed subterranean, with ghosts and goblins scarier than giant wolf bats with grizzly teeth. A haunted house freak show, with surprises around every corner. A distorted carnival mirror of life showed me things in wavy form, making it difficult to discern what might be real and what imagined. And yet, I made my way through the last year growing into this beautiful woman, more sure of my steps every day.

My words, I held dearly. For my new readers in all the far away places I’ve only read about, I chose a word a month. These were my life rafts as currents of days and weeks carried me forward. I was an unwilling traveler at times, just wanting to lay down in some leaves and forget about it all. Time had other ideas. These monthly words helped me identify what was real and necessary for healing.

1.Food, Shelter, Clothing

2.Friendship

3.Love Everlasting

4.Adventure

5.Faith

6.Happiness

7.Truth

8.Aloha

9.Rejoice

10.Respect

11.Optimism

When grief attacked my soul, the monthly word would give me focus on the parts of VST and I that were so precious and buoyant. Those words lifted me above snapping alligators and howling coyotes. They held me close to VST’s heart and the life we created as two child-rich but penniless kids in the winter of 1988. They helped me remember what my core values are made of and what VST helped me cherish in life. They healed me from the inside out.

No one can really understand what grief in solitude is like. When I moved to my sweet little town, there were those that made reference to the reputation of the place. A truck stop. A wide place in the road. A haven for addicts. Less than desirable location. My little town had a reputation she just couldn’t live down in the minds of those that had never given her a chance. I moved here and fell in love with every little scar. Every little wind storm. Every tumble weed or broken down mobile home. For, she and I are a lot alike. We’ve been through some stuff, yet we are survivors.

Now, the scariest part of the journey begins, because a year ago, my sweet VST became suddenly ill. I look back at my calendar and weep. His first test was last year on Valentine’s Day. Even then, the doctor was ruling out heart disease, and not the true monster that was cancer. I look at the words on my calendar and can see a difference in the handwriting. I remember the confusion overtaking our lives when VST was losing his mind. Those memories combined with the date on the calendar, one year later, produce a venom that is sadness X a million, and that is grief. That is now. “One Year Ago” is in the next room, waiting. April 8, 2021.

These monthly words are now all around me, and I have a comfy raft of them. I can lay back and bob along when raging rivers come while focusing on the stars. The best of memories that are US, cradle me while covering me from the cold. I’ll make it through, I just might shiver a little in the process.

These words are also doing something else. These are qualities I’ll not live without in my life. As I surround myself with new friends, I find those words are descriptors of the quality of friends I select. Overflowing, they will be abundant in the last chapter of my life. I’m choosing to make that so, with God’s help. When you combine all of them, you find true paradise. That was my life with VST, that is my life now, that is my life until life is no more.

Miss Firecracker and I had dinner last night, after her return from a fabulous trip across the country. She and I talked about our widowhood, and know we’re through the thickest of the forest of widowhood. We’ve both found acceptance in our hearts that life is here and ours to enjoy while embodying calm and happy. Through dinner, we laughed. A Lot.

The restaurant held only one other couple, young and sweet. Before they left, the man came to our table.

“Ladies, Thank You for bringing laughter to the restaurant. It was so nice to hear happiness coming from your table. No one laughs anymore.”

Upon visiting, we found that he and his wife were new to the town, taking a chance on her like I had last April. He was uncomfortable interrupting, but he had to tell us “Thank You”. Miss Firecracker and I cracked a few jokes with them, and immediately, we had two new friends. That’s just how she and I roll.

Our journey is okay now, she and I. We are widows. We were wives. But, First and Foremost, WE ARE WOMEN. Two very strong, beautiful, wonderful women to be reckoned with. Watch out world. We are on the move.

Angels in Overalls

Angels are all around us. Sometimes life is so overwhelming we just can’t recognize them. There are many situations in which women remain vulnerable and at the mercy of the world. Broken plumbing is that such situation. Today was that kind of day.

After visiting with my tele-doc, whom I adore, I handled the medical side of feeling better. Don’t forget that option when an illness creeps up on you. Yes, tele-docs are not for every medical problem, but, for many, they can provide excellent care. From start to finish, I had a prescription in less than one hour.

However, the plumbing problem remained an odorous situation. Around 8 AM, I received the nicest call from the first angel of the day. A receptionist from “A Plumber and a Wrench”. She was ever so kind, informing me that the technician would be arriving around 1 PM to fix the problem. Immediately, I felt a ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders. Although I couldn’t use any water in the house, someone was coming that would remedy my plumbing nightmare.

Indeed, the sweetest guy named Johnny arrived right at 1 PM. He was here to fix the sewage elevator lift pump. After a little while, he came to me to report terrible news. This type of pump cost $4,000 and was manufactured in New York. It would take days for it to arrive and another day to install it. There was no escaping the problem. I would need to budget the fix. Period.

Going back inside, I again felt the weight of the world and realized how vulnerable we all are. In the blink of an eye, anyone can experience a problem in which creative thinking is needed. For some things broken, I know what to do. In this case, I was at the mercy of the plumbing company.

It was then that a mysterious neighbor named Schnauzer Dad walked by and changed the entire narrative of my problem. He informed sweet Johnny that this was a city problem, not a home owner problem. The city would fix it all. Furthermore, he drove home and got the direct name and number of the man to call. The rest was handled by Angels in Overalls. People are so kind when they learn of a widow’s loss. Most can’t begin to understand the true loss, but they want to. They know it must be the worst thing in life that can happen to someone. It surely is. Johnny promised to stay and make sure I was in good hands, even though he could have run home to his baby son and wife.

Truckloads of city Overall-ed Angels flocked to my yard. They fixed the broken pump, which I find out now, even has an alarm that should have gone off alerting me to the problem. I now know that. I also know that I am not alone in this independent state I find myself in. I can ask for help, and help will arrive. An important lesson when one is in the barren wasteland of plumbing problems along the journey of widowhood.

Angels don’t always appear trumpeting on high. They can be found when you least expect them, but always when they are needed the most. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some even smoke cigarettes and have a cross tattooed on their forearm. My angels swooped down in City trucks, clad in blue overalls to save my day. Lots of laundry to catch up on today. Keep your eye out for angels in your life.

Sometimes You Just Need to Stop

Illness of any kind is no fun at all. An ache here. A pain there. Pretty soon, they all get together and insist that you stop and rest. I found myself in this predicament during the last few days. When your body is complaining, it’s easy for your mind to chime right in. Pretty soon, you are a sad sack of pity, having a party for one. Well, I didn’t fall quite that far, but found myself with happiness a fingertip out of reach.

Moving slower than normal, I’ve been sloth-ing around. Watch a sloth. They can’t even reach for a piece of fruit quickly. Wearing my favorite sloth PJ’s, I was that slow when reaching for my coffee. It was then that I decided to retrieve the mail. On my front porch, strange new odor hung in the air. A pungent odor, unmistakable, that can put terror into the mind of any new widow. Even the strongest of the strong widow. Effluent. In layman’s terms, liquid waste or sewage.

Winterpast has an odd design. Although attached to the city sewer system, she sits below the pipes at the street, making it necessary to have a SEWAGE LIFT SYSTEM, (the maintenance all my responsibility, of course), like a very necessary elevator lifting everything away from my house to the street. THIS is broken. For two weeks. And now, it complains loudly, by leaking liquid into my yard. This, I discover, while ache-ing and pain-ing on the way to my mail box.

Along with this disaster, (which I am still trying to mitigate), there is another one. My new spa, pristine and wonderful, sits in the back yard without a cover. I paid for a cover that wasn’t delivered. A windstorm blew in, with and entire night of 60 mile an hour winds. Leaves blew in and found their way into my bubbling vat of soothing jets, (at least 1,052 of them). Right after discovering the problem in the front yard, I discovered that my spa had turned a beautiful color seen in watercolor paintings. The leaves were clogging my brand new dual suction, turbo charged filters. All because, the cover I bought and paid for hasn’t yet arrived.

Plopping down on my couch, I will confess to you, I had a few thoughts that didn’t include happiness. With those, I realized, I had to stop. I first needed to listen to my body and take inventory of what I could do to change either of these situations.

With a phone call, I was on the line with “Plumber and a Wrench” in the next town. Now, I know a lot about a lot. But, a woman seldom has an interest or desire to really learn about plumbing. I could seat a new toilet with the best of them. Sewage Lift Systems are way above my pay grade. When talking, Mr. Plumber gives me the following advice. Wash no dishes. Launder no sheets or towels. In fact, save the Tide Pods for another day. Do not bathe or shower. In fact, run zero water through the house. He assured me they would get right on this. He has now disappeared into thin air. I’m following his advice, but, can only do so a little while longer.

As for the spa, a cleaning was necessary. Soon, the bubbles of happiness were again crystal clear. A call to the spa company gave me answers I didn’t want to hear. It may be another week or two until the cover arrives. But, it will arrive. This will just be part of the crazy story of my first year as a widow.

That left me with one decision. One and only one. My mental state. I could cry. Get angry. Ask “Why Me?” Curse. Yell. Be frustrated. Want to pack a bag and bug out. Yes. I could do all of that, and did some of that. What I needed to do first was STOP. Just STOP. Put on my pajamas. Clear my brain. Have some tea while in the STOPPED mode. I listened to my breathing. And the wind. And Oliver’s snores. Things calmed. Although all the problems, aches and pains were still there, they felt different. Like a warning that life was going at too fast a pace. Sometimes it takes a strange whiff of something in the air to make us take stock.

I feel better today, although not 100%. I plan to lay low and continue to make phone calls to my new best friend, Mr. “Plumber and a Wrench”. I’ll sit in the hot tub and bob for leaves, while allowing the healing nature of the water to soothe my tired body. I need to remember that my widowhood is approaching dark woods. Things are more difficult than I anticipated on these last days before the one year anniversary of VST’s passing.

I need to practice lazy, as my extremely wise and sage God Mom would say. Everyone needs to make sure to use that skill sometimes. Today, it’s me. Today, find some time to stop and take inventory. There is a solution to every one of life’s problems. Some just take a “Plumber and a Wrench” and a little patience.

Under the Weather

To my adoring fans. I am truly sorry for the change in routine. For the last few days, I’ve been under the weather. Nothing serious, just not feeling my best. Still choosing happiness, I’ll be much happier when I feel 100 %.

On top of that, a violent wind storm blew through last night. Nerve rattling wind speeds which shook Winterpast as it rolled through. Sleep was not very sound.

This morning, I woke up to plumbing problems of the worst kind, needing immediate attention.

I will return tomorrow. Your concerns about my well being are so sweet. I love you, my dear readers.

Katmandu With a View

There are some things that seem so impossible, they might as well find me standing on the streets of Katmandu while petting a vendor’s monkey. Treasures sometimes sit right under our noses waiting to be discovered, eliminating the need for exotic travel. Off ramps driven by every day, never exiting, could hold the most beautiful wonders one could ever see in their life. But life keeps us trapped in routine, enclosed in four walls, double-masked and afraid. I assure you, I would rather die of the virus than stay inside one day longer. My eyes need to feast on the high desert beauty, while feeding my hungry soul.

Every writer faces difficulties producing interesting material day after day. Imagination needs to be fed by new experiences. When a piece is produced, there are hours of pre-write that provide the final piece. Experiences and excursions provide food for the most interesting blogs. So, without divulging everything, know that I have been working on the pre-write stage since last Friday morning at 3 AM.

A few weeks ago, I started thinking about Katmandu. First of all, as a writer, the name is fun to write and more fun to say. It conjurs up images of exotic mayhem and energy, with sights and smells that would punch a person right in the face. A lack of presence and focus in Katmandu could cost you your life. Katmandu would be a moment in time never forgotten. A vivid immersion into life. Not a place to visit without a serious forward observer pointing out bad guys doing bad things.

For months, my soul has pined for one little adventure out of my house. This longing has fallen on too many deaf ears to count. Watching the mustangs, my mind has reflected on freedoms that have all fallen away to leave me boxed in a desperate state. Turning 65 left me to reflect on very real reasons I cannot just jump into my little white Barbie Jeep and rush into the tomorrow of the high dessert. Tethered to my house and sterile environment, I have searched high and low for a friend that longed to cut the cord and go on an adventure, even if it was off a BLM road just a few miles from my house. I needed to be away, for an hour or two to roll around with the tumbleweeds next to heaven under an angry cloud streaked sky.

My Jeep is not an average geriatric ride. A 2019 Wrangler, she is trail rated. She has been wanting to be tested in a way that included more than going to Walmart for a dozen eggs. And so, with the stars aligned in an extremely odd way, I found myself on the top of a mountain, in the highest of deserts, on the windiest of days, overlooking the world. The path to get there took a driver more skilled than me. At some points, being at a 17 degree incline, my heart pounded as my pulse quickened. But, in the end, there I was, feeling like I was dreaming. In 360 degree panorama, a desert landscape soothed my heart. Thirty to forty mile an hour winds ruffled my hair and chilled my bones. I found my Katmandu.

The exotic thrill of being on a high mountaintop with no sign of other humans can’t be explained. This isn’t a place I could ever drive myself, and isn’t a place I knew existed until a few days ago. One slip of a wheel would have sent my trail rated jeep down a 500 foot adventure of a different kind. I want to believe the effort it took to go to this place would be beyond most people with bad intent. This was a place where my heart was next to heaven in a way it needed to be for the shortest of times. I didn’t need to put on an oxygen mask, or carry high mountain equipment, because this place already existed in my normal world. Someone just listened, while kindly offering to be my sherpa for the day.

Dear readers, I know my limitations and would never attempt to return to Katmandu alone. A very steep climb to a small perch on top of the world will remain a place only the most experienced guides could handle. A place that I have know seen, which I can return to in dreams. My Jeep will need to realize her driver is one that put a sunflower tire cover on the spare tire. That speaks volumes about my ability to visit Katmandu on a whim.

I plan to construct a very tiny sign and return there one day soon. I will plant my sign as proof that I traveled there on a very windy and rainy February day. As for the sherpa, with all my heart, I thank you for seeing a weary soul and realizing that wild things can’t be tethered to four walls and survive. Wild things need to breathe fresh air and experience life. All great sherpas know this.

The high desert nourishes my soul. I can’t think of anywhere VST could have helped me plant roots that would fit me more. I’m not a fragile girly girl waiting for my next shopping trip. Anyone who knows the hoodied-me already knows with car keys hand I have a crazy adventure brewing in my head. Stay tuned. I can’t wait to share them with you

BEST FRIENDS

Through my journey so far, I have been blessed with the BEST FRIENDS anyone could have every asked for. While my heart has been shattered in unimaginable ways, an army of the best people on earth have been there to check in, listen, make me laugh, and cry with me.

My very oldest friend is really more like a sister. We met when we were just toddlers. I have a vivid memory of our mothers, young women each with many children standing in the driveway. Songbird had flaxen hair, worn in curly pony tails on that day. She hid behind her mom’s leg as they talked. I don’t remember what I was doing, except thinking this girl was so cool.

Through the years, we shared bike rides, school, secrets, and talents. She was a musician from the day she was born. She taught herself to play the piano and guitar, never learning to read music. We wrote songs together, me helping with the lyrics, and her providing just the right tunes. Her house was the fun one to hang out in, and that we did. She was the only daughter, of which I was envious, being from a family of five girls. Her private bedroom was her sanctuary, something I could only dream of having. Private space.

She was gregarious, always making friends. She made the cheer squad. She even kissed VST after he made an amazing play in football. She married at 18, and went away to see the country packing her guitar, all of which I found fascinating as I trudged off to college. She divorced and I married. She married again, and the cycle of who was pregnant and which new baby was coming began. 34 years ago, I was present for the birth of her daughter, coaching her as she brought this miracle into the world.

She remains one of the most beautiful women I know as the years have rolled on. Funny, insightful, and vibrant. Heartbroken at the news of VST’s passing, she shared her sorrow with me. For, it was she that had insisted I went to the high school reunion in 1987, where VST and I met. Although we live in different states, she remains an anchor in my life that I am so lucky to have her.

Routines and Predictability

Journeying through widowhood, one of the things I miss the most are the familiar routines and predictability that VST and I shared throughout the years. Even though we enjoyed spontaneous travel, our basic routines were set. Coffee, followed by breakfast, followed by his walk and my chores. Everything had a time and place. When he died, my world was left in an upside down heap, waiting for me to sort things out and a begin again.

Through many months as a new widow, I’ve found that some routines remain the same. Coffee still comes first, followed by blogging. Early morning writing is the most rewarding part of my day. A time to sort through my thoughts, sharing those that have been the most helpful on my journey helps me heal. Writing gives me time and space to share precious memories of VST and me. My early morning voice shares grief while I mourn to the setting moon, as the new day begins. Purging a new day’s sadness before daylight helps me to reach for the happiness I choose.

Perhaps Covid has robbed you of your routines. Simply enjoying a day of shopping might be disrupted by new store hours. In my state, eating at a restaurant is limited to parties of four. Weddings lists have been trimmed. Funerals occur on Zoom. We are left longing for hugs from those we love most. The predictable laughter at family gatherings has been silenced, as we wait for a declaration that the pandemic is over.

Death certainly has robbed me of the predictability I came to expect from VST throughout our marriage. VST loved his schedules and kept to them. It was a comfort to do the same things at the same time during the day. Schedules helped us use our day in the most effective way, not wasting precious time. In the end, it mattered not, because VST’s forever stopped with the beat of his heart. The loneliness of my forever is a glaring reminder that familiar routines of the past are gone for good.

Living alone, many routines can become flexible. Lunch no longer occurs at a set time, but rather when I get hungry. Could be at 10 AM or 1 PM. I remember VST would look for lunch like clockwork at 11:30 AM, often wandering to the kitchen asking me if we were on our own for the meal. Dinner is predictably lonely and quiet. The drone of the television can’t erase the fact that I miss my meal-mate.

Rebuilding my life in small steps, scheduling my more difficult days has been an answer. Using my daily planner, each day, I think of three small tasks that need to be accomplished. These are jotted down and crossed off when accomplished. For weeks, I may not need the scaffolding of a written routine to get through the day. Then, grief has other plans.

As the days go by, remember there is a comfort to routines, even if they are new and it takes awhile to establish them. New routines bring a different look to our days. The predictability of spring’s warmth will keep me searching for new and valuable routines. Until then, predictably, I will do the very best I can to stay the course on this journey through widowhood.

Planting Hope

Visiting Walmart earlier in the week, my heart filled with hope and happiness for in the aisles in all their glory, bulbs grace the shelves. Peonys. Dahlias. Daffodils. Starts for onions and potatoes. Asparagus. Bare root berries and roses. The hope that fills my heart when looking at my new tubers is reassuring and comforting. Dormant now, their beauty waiting for spring.

There is so much to be done in the garden while it sleeps. Tillage of my soil, depleted and hardened. Amendments like gypsum, compost, fertilizer, and ash will help to make a nutrient rich bed for plants. Rose bushes need to be neatly pruned. Irises need to be separated and spread around the yard. All while I do my best to shield Oliver’s observant little eyes and nose from new things to dig up.

Oliver has been spending more time outside, running and playing. During his times, he loves being a stealth terror. My solar lights are slowly disappearing, one by one, as he plucks them out of the ground to devour the plastic sticks. His little dirt covered nose betrayed his quest to uncover my sleeping peony. He searches for the last dried apple hidden in the bark, while barking at his friends across the fence. We are both looking forward to spring, tired of being hidden away in the house.

Days in the high desert are warming slowly. The sun’s radiance makes outdoor activities pleasant, but, a real gardener cannot get lured into the belief that spring is here. There are more days of winter to come. Storms that arise out of nowhere and bring back the intense cold and snow are coming. No, it isn’t over yet.

Ten months ago, WINTERPAST (Song of Solomon 2:10-14, the name of my home) didn’t hold my roots in her clutches. I didn’t know her nightly groans and creaks. I couldn’t have appreciated the respite she would provide from the heat of summer and the cold of winter. I didn’t know how she would buffer the howling winds of widowhood, wrapped around me like a comfy robe. She has done all that and more. It will be a pleasure to adorn her with the most beautiful flowers and plants. She looks her best when dressed in life.

Seeds of hope will be in the ground soon. I hope that the next two months are kind to Oliver and me. The last part of our first year journey through the wilderness of widowhood could be the toughest. Every day, I need to cling to faith and hope, while choosing happiness and laughter.

Emerson said,

“Earth laughs in flowers, to see her boastful boys

Earth-proud, proud of the earth which is not theirs:

Who steer the plough, but cannot steer their feet

Clear of the grave.”

A limited number of springs to dress Winterpast in her finest flowers have I, mine to tend and love for a little while. Although I grieve, I am a gardener first. It is the garden that will heal my soul and help me through the saddest of sads. With that said, I look forward to planting hope just outside my door.

Some Days

Some days, we all just need to step back and breathe. Take stock in how lucky we are. Switch off the television and take stock in the beauty in our own lives. There is so much interference as we go about our days. Buy this. Think that. Hate this. Love that. This is accepted. This is canceled. It’s easy to get swept away in fear and anxiety, while simply losing our inner compass.

Easy for me to say, while I have been bubbling away in my brand new, squeaky clean and sparkling hot tub with 47,000 jets of varying sizes turning me into melting butter. One large cube of happiness. Okay, 47,000 is an exaggeration. A goodly number of jets. Even shoulder jets that face downward completely relaxing the shoulders.

Sunday was delivery day. T masterfully wired the new 220 circuit. After he sat for hours on cold concrete, the wiring is perfection in grey. Better than VST would have done. The proper breaker box is installed for any malfunction, none of which I foresee. Sunday night at 7 pm, with water to the fill line, the tub began heating, and was at 104 delightful degrees by morning.

One small problem occurred. When the tub arrived, delivery was swift. The two men were professional, unwrapping the spa in record time and putting it in place. All 850 lbs. of empty spa. Without a cover. Which was included in the price. Winter temps here have been below freezing, but the spa runs continuously. The cover company didn’t deliver the shipment, so there was no cover to bring.

This could’ve been a hair-on-fire moment. I could have had a Widow-Nuts moment. 0-60 kind of madness. The happiness of having my hot tub in pace and running really negated any of those reactions. In this COVID-Crazed society, there are all kinds of shortages far more serious than the lack of my cover. Besides, I can jump in and out more easily for the moment, which I have been doing throughout the day. So, while one person was raging on about the situation, I became more relaxed. There are some things that are worth hysteria. I went through one such situation on April 8th, 2020. After that, a missing spa cover is so far down the list of things fixate-able, it’s not worth it.

After T, K, and I released 10 beautiful balloons on Monday, they were on their way back home. Before they were 10 miles down the road, I was in the spa floating about. I soaked so much on Monday that my brain became soggy. I forgot that I had a 6 PM Board of Directors Meeting for the service group of which I am a member. Even worse, my sweet neighbor was driving me. She came to the door. Knocking and Knocking. Thinking the worst had happened. Where was I???? Bobbing about like a bathtub ducky in the spa. Oy Vey. Worse, I went to sleep without checking my phone. She was relieved the next morning to find out that I passed away. One of these days, the firemen are going to arrive to find out if the widow-woman has died. Hope they check the back yard. Yikes. Better keep my towel handy.

Centering oneself in the moment is the best medicine. Better than anything a doctor can prescribe. In each moment, you can only change or control what you can. Anything else just is or needs to be the way it is.

My plan for today is this. Plenty of music playing throughout the day. Turbo-Tax 2020 on hold until Friday. Keto dieting begins this morning. Chick Flick movies throughout the day, with a periodic musical included now and then. Quiet time in the spa to decide what adventures my springtime will include. And soaking. Lots of soaking. Have a wonderful day. Come back tomorrow, when, after sufficient pruning, I will return.

Optimism – Month 11

Optimism is something VST and I internalized as we navigated through the maze that was our life. Focusing on the good, we held on when startled by the flash-floods of life. VST and I looked for life’s lessons every time our normal was turned upside down. Invariably, we could find positives in every situation. Even the worst. In that way, we were perfectly matched.

VST’s parents were two of the most optimistic people I ever met. Moving to California during the dust bowl, they found jobs harvesting fruit while living in labor camps. From Oklahoma and Missouri, they found their riches in family they kept close. Descending from wealthy English families that received land grants from the king before the USA was a country, they could have become bitter at the twists and turns of poverty and discrimination. And, yes, they faced class discrimination as Okies, which is a derogatory term. They didn’t become pessimistic. They focused on optimism and God, making a wonderful life for themselves. The poverty of their youth made them strive for the riches of their elder years.

Farming was a fertile place for us to choose optimism. The vineyard taught us humility. It reinforced time management. It kicked us in the butt until we almost didn’t have one left to share between the two of us. Droughts, disease, and the tiny villainous mite, brought us too our knees. Our faith calmed us, promising next year would always be better. We learned to dance in the rain, while drying raisins lay drenched and rotting in it. We learned what we could control and what we couldn’t through farming while maintaining our optimism.

By 2014, optimism while living in California wasn’t possible for VST and I, so we packed up and moved to Virginia City, Nevada (VC). It was easy maintain a positive attitude there, because we were retired with Time, Money, and Health on our side. For six years, we enjoyed a wonderful life. I’d maintain optimism that the snow wouldn’t really be that bad. VST maintained optimism that we would be lounging in Laughlin, Nevada rig-side when the storms hit. The bottom line was that we chose to focus on the bright side of life.

During VST’s illness and his final days, I never saw his faith waiver. He maintained his path until the end, making his wishes known to us all. His faith in God helped him steer his course to the end. His total trust in the Lord was awe-inspiring. I never witnessed him asking “Why me?”. He rowed with the current instead of against, making a peaceful exit with one last sigh.

This month, I need to work on maintaining an optimistic attitude. It’s Month 11 now. I think about the days and how they’ve flown. The one year anniversary of his death is close. Winter plods on, with more storms promised later in the week. With optimism, I’m working on yard designs, and plans for road trips. Life is such a beautiful experience. Even at the worst moments, there is collateral beauty to be found and cherished. Optimism. Month 11. That’s the word.

306 Days Without

Just looking at the number is chilling. In two months, I will be at our little RV park in Cayucos, California to celebrate his First Heavenersary. Our favorite place to visit, VST called it our Hawaii. We’d laugh at all the flight hours we were saving by staying on the mainland. Cayucos was indeed our Hawaii in the twilight of VST’s forever. On one of the last days that he shared his thoughts with me, he told me he wanted to go to the coast again. I know, VST. Me, too.

Ten months is almost one year of seasons. In the midst of winter, I realize I have been through the end of spring, a summer, and autumn without my best friend. VST made everything an adventure or building project. Either way, we enjoyed each other so much.

In 2007, both our jobs were taking a toll on us. I was a teacher for severely ill kids in the Children’s Hospital in our area. He was in charge of Child Protective Services for our county. He also helped abused elders and women. VST was one of the most popular managers in the place. If his employees needed help, he was at the ready. During fires, he was the first to call in and find out what he could do to help. Part of his duties involved making sure Foster kids were safely out of harms way during disasters. We were both stressed to the max, to put it mildly.

For a long time, in my dreams, I envisioned our cabin. I couldn’t tell where it would be, or how big, but, I knew we’d own one during our marriage. In the winter of 2013, I finally mentioned this and the hunt was on. Almost without looking, we found the most adorable little cabin, less than 900 square feet of abused space. Every inch was in need of renovation. Because of that, it was priced at a steal just for us. We took possession the night of our 25th anniversary in 2013. There was no hot as the pipes had frozen. The hot water heater had missing parts. There was no toilet. We didn’t need a frig. There was no heat, except for a wood burning fireplace.

On that first night, wondering what we had bought, we were just happy to be there together. We couldn’t sleep there that night because of the above mentioned problems, but, after the first week, all those things were fixed, and weekends would find us knee deep in pine needles and sawdust. It took us five years to finish the last project before we sold it. In those five years, we had more fun than a couple should be allowed. VST found a video on You Tube called, The Cabin. So hilarious, we would sing it on Friday nights on our way there. It was our little home 25 miles from home.

In the last 306 days, I miss so many things. Good Morning’s. Virginia City sunrises off the deck. Hot coffee. Channel 2 news. Our video game time. His walks while I made the bed. Projects. Lunch out after getting supplies. Holding hands. Arguing and seeing who could win. Making up. Talking to the kids when they called. Vacationing in the RV. A million little things. The sound of water running while he brushed his teeth. Early morning departures to places unknown. Running from storms to warm places. Yes. A million little things.

What has surprised me is that I have found many things in which to find comfort over the past months. Some routines have continued. I talk to VST a lot. I am learning to listen for signs and answers. He taught me so much about life while we shared it together. We promised to be together forever. We were. It was just that it ended up being his forever, not mine.

I heard something the other day that made sense. If a day in heaven passes in the blink of an eye, then VST will turn around and I’ll be there. It will seem like no time at all for him. For me, it seems like 306 days, plus a lifetime.

Ten balloons will grace the high desert sky today. T and K will be with me as we watch them soar. I know VST is up there watching. I know he wishes he was still here with us. Relax and enjoy heaven, VST. We will all be together again soon enough. For now, please watch over us. Send us a sign once in awhile. Give us something to laugh about. I love you so much, and miss you with all my heart. Your Darlin’, Joy

After Dark

There is life after dark! I don’t often see it, as I seldom go out at night. This started years ago for VST and me. Dark brings out all kinds of things in the high desert. Wild mustangs standing in the road, licking the salt like statues. Deadly ice waiting to spin a speeding car right out of control. Drunken revelers celebrating life’s milestones or nothing at all. The blackest of black covering everything, and making it difficult for those with poor night vision. VST and I liked to tuck in with our nightly routines as the sun slipped behind Mount Davidson, putting a bow on one nice day after another.

Now, night surrounds me with all the same things in my new town. A far off pack of coyotes sing their love songs to each other across the canyon. Wild mustangs visit our neighborhood like shadowy ghosts in search of food. The silence of the desert is so intense, the wind’s approach can be heard like a farway train, coming closer and closer, until it attempts to enter the house through my chimney, rattling my Russian Olive tree, as she sleeps in her dormancy. The train runs through town on schedule, roaring down the tracks running easttowesttoeasttowest.

Last night was different. With T and K here to liven things up, we ventured into the nightlife of my little town at 6:15 PM. Main street was bustling with commuters racing in both directions. The Won Ton had patrons waiting outside, offering the best Chinese fare in the area. We drove by while on our mission, headed for our hardware store.

Not having been there for months, my senses were assaulted from every direction. Paint, lubricants, pipes, fittings, tools, gadgets, the classic blue and white colors of the store. Faintly, the smells of fresh cut lumber, the favorite scent that bathed VST as he created beauty with a hammer and nails. I can’t walk to that end of the store just yet. For every project, VST and I would choose the lumber together. Every board. Those days included early mornings, Donuts-To-Go, orange tie downs, and red warning flags on the ends of the longest boards. Always, the unwanted patches of pitch on our jeans. They included VST refusing to ask for help to load lumber, because, he could do it just fine. Even when his body reminded him it wasn’t just fine.

Last night, our focus was on wiring for the new spa, which will be delivered today between 2PM and 4PM. As VST’s son, T knew exactly the configuration needed to bring bubbling jets to life. 40 feet of this, 10 feet of that, a box, some fittings, and we were good to go.

While dining at The Red Barn, we ran into Ninja Neighbor. Banter with a feisty waitress made dinner more fun with attitude and sass. At a time when I would normally be deep into my nightly movie, we shared laughter and good conversation. Being out in life was much more fun.

As I write, T and K are up and ready for the morning. Oliver hears them and is pleading to go see his favorite people. They are off to McDonald’s for early morning breakfast, as another day begins. I better be ready. Stay tuned.

Collateral Beauty

Movies in the evening help me to wind down and fall to sleep. DVD’s do come loaded with insufferable previews, one after the other. A few weeks ago, one such preview caught my attention, and I decided order the DVD. The name of the movie is Collateral Beauty staring Will Smith, Kate Winslet, and Helen Mirren, just to name a few of the stars.

Expanding my DVD collection, I now have quite a few classics. With things changing so quickly in our society, you never know when old movies will be permanently canceled. In that frame of mind, I order 3-4 movies a week, and this week, COLLATERAL BEAUTY arrived.

I wasn’t sure if it would hold my attention or even be worth my time. After watching it, there was so much to think about, those thoughts spilled over into my dreams. Without giving away the plot, professional executive Will Smith suffers a loss he can’t deal with. His friends, being worried, devise a plan to help him. The movie’s message is that beauty surrounds even the most profound losses. In life, Love, Time, and Death are interdependent.

I forgot how much I’ve always liked the three main actors and their work. In no time at all, I was engrossed by the storyline , and watched until the last credit stopped rolling. The ending was a total surprise to me.

Time, Love, and Death were humanized, each one controlling different parts of our lives. Death gives Time and Love importance. “Love is the ONLY why,” was a special line from the movie. Time needs to be recognized and respected while being mindful of Love and Death. All three are deeply intertwined and woven through the movie in which the story was beautifully told.

When I think back to the three words as they relate to VST’s battle with cancer, we weren’t given much time to grasp what was happening to us. Nine weeks not much longer than a sudden death from a car crash, taking VST away before any of us could realize he was dying. Time was marked in days. 63 days of illness. 7 days of hospice care. 2 days of a coma. Eternity without VST every again. It seemed after he was gone, there were days that would crawl like the coldest molasses, and other days that were gone in the blink of an eye. The past ten months seem like it has taken years to complete. In other ways, I can close my eyes and be back in VC, watching the sunrise with my healthy husband.

There wasn’t enough time to finish our love story properly. We had to end it where we did. Love was never lacking between the two of us, but it was defined by time and death. Before-death and after-death love affairs are different. Our “Before”was what everyone longs for. Our “After” looks a lot like my grief. Without time, love could have never grown and bloomed. Without death, the scope of the beauty of our love wouldn’t have created my exquisite memorial mental tapestry.

Although Time, Love, and Death all deserve proper respect and attention, Collateral Beauty appears when you lose someone in your life. Collateral Beauty found in the love every hospice professional showed me as they gently cared for VST. In every sympathy card from friends and family. In the voices of strangers I needed to talk to when changing our financials. In the faces of our friends and family at his memorial. In total strangers that learn about his passing. In the past ten months, the Collateral Beauty in my life has exploded, leaving me in awe of it’s brilliance.

Take time to look for the Collateral Beauty in your life. The more you look, the more you see. The more you see, the more gratefulness will spill out of your heart. I hope you see the movie sometime. Just beware. The ending may touch you in a very special way.

Signs Are Everywhere

A most unusual event I need to share. Yesterday, in the quiet of the morning, at the time just between dark and light, an radiant event transpired in my back yard. I’ll tell you about it now.

For the last few days, I’ve been a little under the weather wishing things could’ve turned out differently. As a widow, we all have those days in which we aren’t 100%. I’m no different. I’d watched a Netflix Show called Surviving Death, about signs that our loved-ones are near. I didn’t start with Episode 1, as I normally would’ve, but decided Episode 4 might be interesting. With no for reason for choosing that episode, I started watching.

My attention was immediately captured as the first story shared was about butterflies and the importance they had in one person’s grieving experience. I had a very similar experience with butterflies when VST’s mom passed away. While caring for her in her final days, I’d asked her how I’d know if she was near. Responding immediately, she whispered, “Butterflies”. That was her answer. Just “Butterflies”. After she died, every day, for almost two years, butterflies flew in and out of my life. In many forms. In many ways. From Monarch butterflies flying mid day at a busy intersection in the 113 degree heat of the Central Valley, to a story on the radio about a butterfly smuggling ring in Russia. Every day, there was a unique way in which butterflies were interjected into my life. I came to accept and love the signs that she was watching over me as I healed through my grief.

With VST, there’ve been no butterflies fluttering by. No strange cloud formations. No dreams or messages. Nothing. Just nothing. While watching the show I wished that, just once, I’d experience a sign that he was happy and at peace. But nothing came.

Blogging, I prefer to sit in my studio at my desktop computer. I have a nice office chair that supports my back. Oliver has his bed right near my feet. Comfy and cozy, I’m surrounded by things reflecting my life. It is unusual for me to blog in the living room, as I find too many distractions.

But on this day, I sat quietly on the couch blogging on my iPad. Usually the curtains would be closed because it’s dark when I blog. On this day, I’d opened them when I got up. Through the sliding glass door, I view the back yard. As I was blogging, something outside caught my attention, and looking up, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

In the back yard of Winterpast (the name for my home), there stands a Russian Olive Tree. In the high desert where I live, this is considered by some to be a junk tree. My magnificent tree grew up from a volunteer, majestic and beautiful. The back fence neighbor hates the tree and wants me to cut it down. Not going to happen. I love my junk tree and have since the day I met her. She’s a windblown transplant like me, thriving in the desert.

Yesterday, in that time of morning between dark and light, this dormant, leaf-less tree glowed. The darkened winter sky set a beautiful backdrop for the tree, which gleamed in splendor for a good ten minutes. I quickly got my phone and took pictures. It was a burning bush moment that I was lucky enough to witness and photograph.

In that moment in time, with Winterpast’s tree ablaze in light, I knew in my heart, VST was speaking to me, loud and clear. Heaven is a beautiful place. He is surrounded by all our loved ones while waiting for me. The peace and beauty surrounding the moment of splendor filled my heart with so many emotions. It was an awe-inspiring message that some would explain away by the angle of the winter sun. That’s a fine explanation, unless you feel differently, as I do from this experience.

Something made me change my blogging location, while typing on my ipad instead of my desktop. Something changed my routine to open the curtain while darkness eliminated any view. Something got my attention while I was intently focused on my writing. Something made my heart skip a beat and insist on pictures. Something different and wonderful.

As the tree glowed, the air around it seemed to glow as well. Golden-yellow-shimmery-iridescent magnificence right out my back window. The other trees were not glowing. Just my beautiful Russian Olive. I smiled. VST picked the right way to let me know things are brilliant in his world. My heart felt his happiness for my happiness. A sign I won’t soon forget, that came on a average morning, on an average day, while I sat blogging in that time of day between dark and light in the high desert.

This picture was taken 15 minutes after the first. Just sayin. Signs. They’re everywhere.

T.E.A.M. Hurt

The Whole is Greater than the Sum of its Parts. Aristotle.

Ari was definitely referring to widowhood when he made that statement. I’m sure about that. Without everyone’s support, there would be a lot of widows laying in puddles of our tears, surrounded by spent Kleenexes. At Christmas, I had a list of every single person or agency that had helped me through, and they all received a card and hand written Thank You. This year, I’m keeping an active list of people that continue to come to my rescue and make up T.E.A.M. Hurt.

As I was reading a bit about the “Whole being greater than the Sum of its Parts” this morning, I ran across the acronym T.E.A.M. In light of preparations for an exciting weekend, I thought it an appropriate topic. Together, Everyone Achieves More = T.E.A.M.

On my TEAM, I am blessed to have the most wonderful group of family and friends. Through the months, I’ve written about most of the key players. Some prefer to stay in the shadows, and I definitely want to respect that. Helping me form plans in my new life, they cheer me on when things go well while comforting me when they don’t.

Two of my supporting pillars are K and T, the kids (that are not kids, but adults). Capable, brilliant adults, I’m blessed to get visited by a twin-fueled jet pack of activity when they roll into town. They come with pre-set ideas of projects they can accomplish. The biggest thing they bring can’t be planned. When here, a connection of energy completes a circuit. It was the three of us that were VST’s caregivers during his fight with cancer. The three of us were part of his last earthly goodbye. When we’re together, through the electricity of love, we connect in a different way. The three of us almost make up one VST.

K reflects the soft, intellectual side of VST. Her daughter’s heart and spirit were born from his heart and spirit. She is analytical and optimistic. There isn’t any task that she can’t conquer, even the hardest of things, like becoming father-less. Her grace and kindness rest inside a fierce woman that is one to be reckoned with. So, when she is here, I get a bit of VST and his creativity, all wrapped up in the best hugger ever. A daughter is a beautiful part of life.

T. Well. He IS his dad’s son. Handsome, funny, quick witted, and beyond gifted in knowing about every system in a house, car, or anything that needs fixing. This was beamed into his brain from his dad. T is masterful at making his dad famous eyebrow looks. T reflects the manly, analytical side of VST. He has a man’s outlook on life, which is so refreshing. VST was a manly-man and T followed in his footsteps. T also has VST’s quiet wisdom and inner sensitivity which he guards. He is a tender-heart just like his dad was. A big old soft-ie. But, he will never admit that to anyone, although it’s obvious to those of us that love him best. VST, all over again.

These two kiddos, (who are not kids, but adults) being twins, have their own communication shorthand. I never know what they are up to, but, I know they have things cooking between them at all times. The last time they visited, they were going to sneak out of the house at 9 PM to go get homemade ice cream at our little shop. This time, I am sleeping with my door cracked. Don’t want to get left behind on their brilliant escapades.

T and K know their dad in a way that I didn’t. He was their father. I knew VST in a way that they didn’t. He was my husband. Together, we complete the circuit with amazing memories and stories. We loved VST best, although they had an 11 year advantage over me.

Together, Everyone Achieves More. I have a list for the two of them. This weekend, in their visit, I’m getting visited by an electrician, spa professionals, a computer programmer, a tax prepare-er, a handyman, a home decorator and design consultant, two therapists, comedians, and dog whisperers. Add in, two of the best people to spend time with, and the weekend will be amazing. Through laughter and tears, we’ll be honoring the tenth month that we’ve been without Dad and VST. Respect will be shown on Monday, February 8th, as we release 10 bright balloons to the desert sky. My eleventh word will be revealed and another month without VST will begin.

Stay tuned for the activities that are about to unfold. This weekend, I’m receiving a delivery for which I have been anxiously waiting. Splish splash, I was taking a soak………

Finding Comfort

Just a year ago, VST and I were trying to find comfort for his unusually swollen ankles and feet. In the blink of an eye, it seemed my normally healthy, although disabled, husband had become ill. On our first doctor’s visit, the focus was on possible heart issues that could cause swelling. The first line of defense was a heavy dose of diuretics, which did nothing to correct the issue. Many tests later, the doc found VST’s heart to be in perfect health. From there, we started our downward spiral into the world of Cancer.

VST found strength through spiritual comfort. Covid hadn’t become center stage yet. Congregations still met, but because of our remote location and his illness, VST chose to watch a tele-preacher that aired daily. I would find him deep in prayer one minute, and sleeping quietly the next. His naps were a daily ritual, but then, it was winter, with not much else to do. Napping was the one activity in which his ankles and feet would be elevated. This minor set back allowed VST to enjoy the rest and relaxation that retirement brought. Each morning, he would present his ankles and feet to show me they were less swollen. And in the mornings, they were.

We’d both put on weight during the Christmas season, and made a pact to return to healthy eating. We’d resume our low carb diet, knowing it worked wonderfully for us. I lost weight, but, being competitive, VST lost more. VST lost seven pounds in less than a week. Then, he started to worry. Unknown to us, VST was losing muscle tissue with the fat, while retaining fluid. For a time, outward appearances hid the truth that VST was wasting away.

Comfort from fear about the weight loss was found in foods with the highest amount of calories possible. Double Western Bacon Cheese Burgers with an extra side of fries. Kentucky Fried Chicken with all the sides. Three meals a day, with snacks in between. Slowly, he started to gain a little weight back. Little did we know it was the weight of fluids he now carried.

Confusion bothered him as he became a little quieter and his naps a little more frequent. VST wasn’t as sharp as usual. He measured wood for his projects two or three times, and still made errors. Frustrations growing, VST repeatedly searched for spiritual comfort. Haunting signs, all, that we ignored then, and I remember now. We were entering a very dark and scary tunnel, not noticing the light growing more dim as we inched our way further and further along.

One day, I startled VST in his office as he labored over a quiet project. When asked what he was doing, he told me he was writing down a prayer. Correcting his work, he became more frustrated by the moment. Heartbreaking to watch, VST struggled with the transcription from computer screen to hand writing on paper. His doctoral dissertation had not given him this much grief. He asked me to leave, saying I was a distraction to his work. In reality, he wanted no witness to his grief and despair. Respecting his request for privacy, I left him alone to work with God.

It was a few days after his passing that I found the paper he’d been transcribing. It was a prayer that the tele-preacher repeated often on his daily program. VST had labored to write it down as best he could, and the effort it took to do that was obvious on the page. Clutching it to my chest, I wept, while reciting the prayer myself.

During my move, I showed the paper to K, telling her the story and how much comfort it brought me. A reflection of his ultimate struggle with cancer, it showed me things VST couldn’t say. It gave me comfort to know these words were in his heart when he left.

Unbeknownst to me, sweet K had a mission in mind. On simple white cloth, similar to a man’s handkerchief, she had embroidered the prayer, taken from a photocopy of VST’s precious prayer. A most beautiful thread color was chosen, a grey that matched the skies on the morning he went away. She framed this piece in a rustic gray frame, which looked like it came off a wall from a shop in VC. She purposefully left the glass off, so I could stroke the stitches and the words. Only an extraordinary teacher would know the importance of tactile reading. K is that excellent teacher. I stroke the picture often, feeling the strength and comfort from the prayer.

Comfort. We all need it. Some days, it is a plate of lasagna that took hours to prepare. Some days, it is just the right music played during sunrise. And sometimes, it’s holding a moment in your hands, and stroking the words as you read them. Today, find comfort and peace all your own.

Growls In The Dark Are Never Good

I sleep well. Every night. No matter what. Another wonderful gift God has given me, sleep patterns haven’t been destroyed by widowhood. It’s a fortunate thing, because most mornings, I awake rested and refreshed. In the midst of widowhood, or any personal crisis, I can think of nothing more restorative and necessary than sleep. It makes an optimistic and happy outlook on life more possible.

Oliver and I have our morning routine down. He wakes me with adorable little puppy requests. Not a bark, nor a whine. Something in between. He talks and what he says sounds something similar to, “Please, Mom-Oh, wake up”. Waiting patiently, while I use the restroom first, it’s quickly his turn. Yes. Oliver uses my bathroom, too. He learned to use pee pads as a puppy when we RV’d. Truly, he’s the only dog I’ve ever known to have mastered this. Pee Pads and a bathroom? We can travel anywhere without the need for grass or snowy, early morning walks.

Coffee still brewing in the pot and sleepy cobwebs clouding my brain, the first flush of the day was followed by a low growl. Sounding like a dying animal, it came from the front yard. Hmmmm. I could’ve be hearing things. Houses creak and groan. It was Oliver’s turn, the noise had stopped, and it was time for his disposal flush. (No. He doesn’t crawl up on the seat, but his deposits ARE flushed away. No Muss, No Fuss.)

This time, another distinctive groan-ny growl complained loudly from the front yard. OH NOOOOO! My sewage ejection pump wasn’t well. Now. I’m no expert on these things. I wish I didn’t own a sewage ejection pump. It might be a macerator. Really wish I didn’t own any noisy, front yard, sewage related pump-thingy. Whatever the correct name for the little machine, it was out there announcing flushes to the neighborhood at 5 am. Loudly. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Hawaiian cruise sailing away, the price of the repairs would come first. VST would have known. Just known. He’d have been on the problem, and by noon, it would have been fixed. There was no mechanical item he hadn’t fixed, and this would be no different. Small problem. Sadly, there are no service calls from heaven.

Just then, the clouds in my brain parting, I remembered something all important. My Home Warranty!!!!! I’m sure I heard my mechanically minded angel singing as this thought came to me! With the stroke of a few keys, I’m scheduled with a plumber today. Well, my name has been sent to a plumber. We’ll see if I actually get a visit.

As a widow, put aside a few dollars each month for the less pleasant surprises in life. You never know when a groan in the dark is going to have a price-tag of thousands. In the case of a sewage ejection pump, there’s no choice about the timing of repairs. Sewage needs ejecting above anything else I could think of at the moment.

Home warranty policies are a great thing as well. After purchasing the policy, for a small service fee, anything covered in your policy will be up and running soon. It’s one more thing to help you dream your best dreams, as you sleep the night away. Beware of front yard growls. Could be a wild animal. More likely a faulty pump.

Lasagna

Last week, I was really hungry for lasagna. You know the kind. Sauce just the right thickness, flavorful and comforting. Rich and satisfying. The kind my mother would have made if she were Italian. That kind of lasagna. So, while in the frozen food aisle, I picked up a serving for one. The box looked Italian enough. The picture on the front was alluring with the look of deliciousness. I eagerly raced home and popped it in the oven. I wanted the lusciously thick layer of four cheeses to crust a little on the top, while being bubbly and satifying throughout.

Thirty long and torturous minutes passed, as the little plastic tray sat in the oven. A few pieces of cheese covered the top of the noodles. No lovely smells came from the oven. No browning occurred. A very sad example of lasagna emerged at the ding of the timer. No magical transformation happened. There it was. Plastic lasagna in a 2” x 3” plastic tray. One bubble burped, and then, it was dead.

Needless to say, the box lied. It was the most horrible lasagna I’ve ever tried. Rather like cardboard coated with tomato sauce, it was void of a few special ingredients. Patience and care. I’d forgotten to add those when I took it out of the box and shoved it in the oven. It was heated just right, but, that was all I could say. After a few bites, I lost my appetite.

Today, I’m making lasagna from scratch. Or at least from the scratch I can make it from at this time of year. In the past, I’ve made Bolognese sauce with real tomatoes picked only minutes before they started cooking. Heavenly. For this recipe, I’ll use canned tomatoes, but FRESH basil. With my favorite gangster movie playing, I’ll enjoy a morning of nursing the sauce to rich perfection. The recipe suggests mixing sour cream with the ricotta cheese for a creamier blend. I’ve purchased fresh Parmesan cheese, and will grate the mozzarella myself.

Served with this yumminess, Parmesan Garlic Twisted rolls from the shelves of WalMart will be served as the side. It should satisfy my longing for a home-cooked meal. According to the amounts of each ingredient, it should make enough for the entire Corleone gang, so I’ll plan to freeze it in individual servings. The next time I want real lasagna, I can walk to my freezer and take some out. If a gang comes to hit the mattresses, I’ll be ready.

Being single, I often forget to put care and patience into my meals. Usually, I’ve waited too long, and need something quick. By then, it comes down to whatever I can grab. I deserve better than that. This is definitely not the Keto recipe that VST and I enjoyed and lost so much weight eating. That recipe is still in my brain. I can whip it up when dieting is my focus. Right now, I am going to focus on amazing, ooey-gooey, mouth watering, rich and satisfying homemade lasagna, made with semi-fresh ingredients in the middle of a snowy winter’s day in the high desert.

Now, where is my copy of O sole mio??? Looking up the English translation, it speaks to my hope for today. Please enjoy the translation and have a sunny day yourself!!!!

English translation of O Sole Mio.

What a wonderful thing, a sunny day

The serene air, after a thunderstorm

The fresh air, and a party is already going on….

What a wonderful thing, a sunny day..

*** For those of you that love to cook, I‘m using an online recipe.

The Stay at Home Chef — The Most Amazing Lasagna Recipe.

For my Keto friends —

You won’t be disappointed —

“Just Like the Real Thing” Keto Lasagna — peaceloveandlowcarb.com

Enjoy!

Love’s Language

Reflecting on my relationship with VST, I’ve been thinking about what it was that made US work so well. Thirty-three years is a very long time to live with someone, while still wishing it would continue forever. Day after day, that’s how we found our lives, until his forever ended. As normal people do, we had our differences and spats, but the underlying desire to be together couldn’t be denied. While in the same space, carrying out totally different tasks, we were at peace. It wasn’t just by chance. We were a match.

A few days ago, it was suggested that I complete an online quiz to identify my Love Languages. I’d heard of Love Languages before, but didn’t exactly know what they were or why they were important. So, I took the quiz. In which the five Love Languages were listed as follows.

  1. Quality Time
  2. Physical Touch
  3. Acts of Service
  4. Words of Affirmation
  5. Receiving of Gifts.

Before ever beginning the quiz, I knew where I stood. I could answer for VST, as well. Spending time with those we love was our main love Langauge. Gifts or pretty words didn’t sway us one way or another. Time spent with either of us was a true sign of caring. VST and I spent a lot of time with friends and family. Those hours with loved ones gave us many happy memories that we often shared together.

The least important to us was gift giving, and so, we had few traditions in our married life that included wrapped gifts. Christmas Eve was our special day to shop together. Each of us could pick out whatever we wanted knowing it would be the perfect gift, and not require the frustration of return lines. The stores were always quiet on Christmas Eve morning, making it enjoyable and romantic to select gifts for each other and head home to holiday fun.

Birthdays and Anniversary’s were celebrated with a card and meal. Again, the time we spent together was the most beautiful thing we could share. I would rather have been with VST more than anyone else in the world. Going to the dump? I was the first in the truck. To Lowe’s on a lumber buying expedition? Let me get my shoes. The task at hand didn’t matter because we were a twosome. How many times we were house-flippin-grungy, holding hands, and talking on the way into Lowe’s. People would often smile at us, two cute little old senior citizens that were still sweet on each other. True.

Acts of Service came to mind when I thought about all the things VST did for me, just because. He knew I was 100% capable of dealing with whatever needed to be accomplished in our lives. Yet, he would never send me out to handle tough tasks alone. We’d work together. His acts of love and devotion when caring for his parents made their last years on Earth heavenly, as we shared our time and love with them on a daily basis. This was the man I was lucky enough to love.

I patiently took the quiz, with the results right in line with what I already knew. The correlation between the results and the success of our relationship was clear. We spoke the same language during our marriage. 100%.

  1. Quality Time –40%
  2. Physical Touch –25%
  3. Acts of Service — 25%
  4. Words of Affirmation — 7%
  5. Receiving Gifts — 3%

I had to laugh, as I thought back to the reunion and our first dance together. It was evident in that first 3 minute interaction that we had two of the Languages covered. His comment about the brilliant blue-ness of my eyes never phased me, as I told him he was full of bovine scat. The real character of this man would be reflected in his actions. It was all right there in that first dance and never changed much throughout the years.

For fun, take the quiz, of which are many to choose from online. See if your Love Languages are what you thought they were. I didn’t need the quiz to know VST and I were speaking the same language. I miss the quality time spent with him more than anything else. Thank goodness we made the most of it, going through life.

Tax-Man Cometh

Happy 2020 Tax Year. Each day, the mail delivers more great news. One year ago, VST drove to Costco to buy Turbo Tax 2019. Each year, he would labor over the taxes, starting with the arrival of the first W-2. Nothing escaped his memory as he worked on the computer. There were be frequent outbursts, but they were always muffled by the office door. He would emerge calm, when it became too much and he needed a break.

Predictably, the preliminary tax amount due was always something that brought us to our knees. It couldn’t be! It wouldn’t be! As VST remembered to enter this and that, indeed, it wasn’t ever as bad as the initial predication. Sparing me the dry run hysterics, he would save the very last examination of the forms for me.

“Darlin’, can you come and look at the taxes with me?” he would ask sweetly. In his office, he already placed a chair next to his, along with forms and supporting documents for joint approval. After a thorough review, together, we would hit the submit button. Team work at its finest.

This year, things are different. I have at least 10 W-2’s, some before death, some after death. IRA documents from the old accounts, and those from the new accounts. The stack is growing day by day. There isn’t a second chair next his his, only Oliver’s dog bed under the desk.

I didn’t run to Costco to buy the latest version of Turbo Tax, but ordered it on Amazon. Shrouded in shrink rap, it sits like kryptonite on his desk, waiting for me. Just me. K and T are coming to visit next weekend, and they’ll give me the strength to begin. Not only is it important that I get this right, it will be an emotional task. This is the first time I need to do taxes alone.

Knowing this year is complicated, I visited a CPA earlier in the year. His answers to my questions weren’t what I wanted to hear. Taxes will be brutal this year, due to some issues that were resolved resulting in additional income. The time to face the tax man is here, and I’m not looking forward it. At least, it will only need to be dealt with once for 2020. I’ll put on my Big Girl Panties, sharpen my pencils, and get to work.

When I open the file cabinet to retrieve documents, the 2019 tax folder glares back. The tab shows VST’s bold-sharpied-notation. 2019 Taxes. Cancer isn’t reflected in the handwriting, but matches 2018Taxes, 2017Taxes, and 2016Taxes. Handwriting doesn’t disclose that within a few short weeks after he wrote out the date, he’d be gone. The folder reminds me how much he loved me and wanted me safe. I remember when he went to Costco, he held his cane tightly. His back had been giving him pain, along with his knees, hand, and neck. There was an urgency that day, when he said, “I need to get these finished. We have all the documents, so, we might as well do them now.” That day, I didn’t understand how few minutes we had left together. I wish we hadn’t wasted them on taxes.

An appointment is made with the CPA for mid-March. Walking in, self-assured, with my completed taxes in hand. I’ll be confident that I did everything correctly, while refusing to make this more difficult than it is. I’ll make VST proud on that visit, but, more importantly, I’ll check off another super-power I plan to master in the next few weeks. Turbo-Tax-Charged, I’m coming for you Tax Man. Don’t worry, VST, I’ve got this. Yes, I do.

Flying First Class

Flying in the 1900’s, when it was a special treat to do so, VST and I traveled to some pretty wonderful places. Early in our marriage, while working for a John Deere dealership in the Central Valley of California, VST’s reputation and super powers led us to beautiful places like Nashville, Tennesee, Puerta Vajarta, Mexico, or the Big Island of Hawaii. Rewarded for his outstanding job performance, the trips we took were well planned and a treat for us both. Although never First Class air, we were treated like royalty once we arrived.

Bucket list-ed, I still want to fly somewhere as a First Class passenger. VST and I flew First Class through life together. I’d often notice how few couples spent flight hours talking to each other. Their noses deep into a book, phone, or lap top, if you hadn’t seen them board together, you’d have thought they were total strangers. What a waste of valuable, uninterrupted time for relaxation and enjoyment of each other’s company. VST and I never wasted a minute.

From the moment I met him at the reunion, that September so long ago, our love affair was a First Class Flight. What made it so was our desire to choose seats together. It didn’t matter the menu or destination, traveling together everything was the best it could be. Raising kids, farming, sailing, or just watching a sunset, it was First Class. As the years passed, it was natural for us to carry our baggage together. He knew what I’d packed, I knew what he’d packed, and together, the baggage wasn’t too heavy. We flew through life First Class. It had nothing to do with the amount of money we were earning, or the house in which we lived. We were rich because we had each other. How I miss that now.

When considering destinations for future flights, I realize it’ll be quite different. No one with which to critique the food or service. No shoulder on which to rest my head. No hand grabbing mine at take off or landing. Just me, in very dark glasses. First Class or Coach, the seat next to mine will not belong to VST.

I’m so grateful life is still First Class for me. I have beautiful kids (not kids, but adults) I love dearly. I have my health and interests, such as writing. I’m lucky to have friends, both new and old. Baggage full of beautiful memories, mine to keep. But, no matter all the extras that come with First Class, my travel partner is gone. Just me in very, very dark glasses, looking ahead to the future, while enduring a bit of turbulence. First Class or Coach, VST no longer occupies Seat A next to my B.

On snowy evenings, headphones and a good movie mute VST’s absence. Some nights, grief steals the seat next to me, with incessant reminders of loss. Solitude and loneliness serve grief like eager new stewardesses. Then, a strong and quiet happiness comes over me to reclaim that seat. Some days, my worn and tattered baggage is a little tougher to negotiate. With reflection and repacking, my load is lighter each day.

As the days have melted into months, the journey is becoming easier while choosing my next destination. It’s my job to maintain balance and keep Flying First Class. A blessed woman I’ve been in this life. Memories will keep me on the happy side of the skies, even if I never take that First Class Flight.

Snowmageddon Shut-in, Groceries Anyone?

Oh, the times in which we live! Splendid! Miraculous, some might say. Computers and phones make everything possible in this day and age. Even avoiding starvation while being trapped by a blizzard.

Snowmegeddon, which will long be referred to as the “Snow of 2021”, has arrived and I have now really screwed things up. VST was our premiere snow removal service. For all of his disabilities, he was up at the crack of dawn shoveling a dangerously steep driveway, a huge deck suspended 15 feet above the ground, and the back drive which involved walking the snowblower down the street, around the corner and up the back drive to our house. In retrospect, he loved the challenge claiming it was great exercise. I always appreciated his diligence and extreme dedication to this important task, all completed at 6200 ft..

I’d often ask him if he could just relax and let the snow fall where it may. Skip a day. For that, my faulty thinking would be mansplaned (new word — look up the meaning). Didn’t I know what would happen???? , he would ask in an amazed way. Not good amazement either. No. I didn’t really know, but it’d be nice to enjoy a cup of coffee with my husband.

The truth of the matter is, I didn’t know. Once you leave snow, it turns to a base of ice. A base of ice takes spring sunshine to melt. Living with VST, there was no empirical evidence to support this, because he removed the snow before the frozen base ever formed. I think you know where this is going.

When the snow started here, I relaxed with coffee in my cup and a movie on my screen. How delightful to just let the snow fall where it may. We’d just see about a formation of an ice-based, snow-covered skating rink. Besides, the snow shovels are stored outside in the shed. My little town receives very little annual snowfall, that being one of the reasons it was chosen. Unlike the feet of snow in VC, my little town gets inches. And not in one storm. Life was good that day. Calm. Un-shoveled, Pristine.

A day went by, and the next morning, things had changed. About 3″ of snow had fallen. Light and fluffy, crunchy under the footstep to the mailbox. Beautiful and smooth. It was a beauty I couldn’t disturb. Besides, the shovels were in the little shed out back. The sun would come out, melting it quickly. I happily retrieved the mail and never went outside again.

Yesterday, an additional 6 feet fell. I’m estimating here. It might be 12 feet. Okay, 6 inches. But, it might as well have been 12 feet, because now, I have an expansive area of ice covered snow, with more snow expected to fall throughout the day until tomorrow. Here I sit, clearly hearing one lone angel laughing his butt off. I can hear his booming voice saying, “I tried to tell her.” VST, you got me on this one.

With coffee creamer dwindling, my serious lack of driving skills in the snow, and ice covered roads, it seemed I’d be enjoying black coffee until that ran out. At that very moment, K called with a marvelous suggestion. Order groceries online. Who would have thought this was even possible?

After spending a short time walking up and down the cyber aisles of the local Raley’s, I finished my shopping with a deliver time of 4pm. Paying online, everything was done, including a generous tip to my delivery angel, yet unknown. I waited, taking time to freshen up my frig. More snow fell, now being too deep for retrieving the snow shovel from the little shed in the back. No safety line had been installed from house to shed. I could be lost in the drifts until the spring thaw. Again, heavenly laughter.

At 4:00 PM, in the middle of what I would consider a blizzard, but in reality heavy snowfall, the cutest woman drove up next to my open garage. She had eight bags of groceries holding the items I had selected earlier in the day. With a smile and wave, she was gone. The groceries were bagged nicely, with everything I’d selected now on my counter. This was truly a January miracle, I promise, I will experience again. No longer creamer-deficient, I have snacks and salads to last until next week when the sheet of ice melts.

Today, I’ll investigate the snow situation and make a path to the mail box. I might take the Jeep out to practice my 4-Wheel-Drive skills. Or, I may just put on another pot of coffee and binge watch Netflix for the day. Those shovels need retrieving, so please come back tomorrow to make sure I survived. This, too, will pass. My town doesn’t get heavy snows, don’tcha know???????

Journey Interrupted

It seems the entire world is on an interrupted journey. Things we took for granted have evaporated. As the television shows play at night, I’m fascinated with the lack of masks. The images don’t represent the real world anymore. Masked individuals hide their smiles and interactions as they hurry in to shops and scurry out to their cars, gelling to sanitize any chance of Covid right out of their lives. Faces are a lovely canvas for expression of soul and self, now hidden like spring’s subnivean crocuses .

It snowed again last night. Another type of masking. Yesterday’s tracks, from an occasion rabbit or bird, are hidden now. Everything’s fresh, while waiting for the day’s story to be etched upon it. As days go by, like you, I’m growing weary of being the main character in a story sans dialogue or direct communication with the outside world. Outside my window, the snow covered landscape is a Currier and Ives vision of a home in the wilderness. As still and flat as the pictures on an ornamental plate, is my life today. Yesterday, there were only two sets of car tracks in the snow. In the entire waking day, only two souls ventured out, or perhaps it was only one that left and returned home. My world is a very quiet one. Even the mustangs have found refuge elsewhere.

Journeys need to be on hold for now. As the decision makers fight over the next requirements placed on their very weary citizens, I think of my cruise in December and how I dream it will be. Everyone enjoying themselves on the trip of a lifetime. Days at sea in which to wrap up in a warm blanket on the balcony and escape into a great book. Ringing up room service and ordering whatever strikes my fancy at the time. A pretty dress for dinner with new friends eager to enjoy a pleasant meal. A show. Dancing. A walk to the bridge after dark to see the black skies twinkling, adorned with billions of stars. I make that journey multiple times a day, as I watch my coffee creamer supply diminish during this storm. Of course, the cruise described doesn’t exist, anymore than a recipe to replace Sugar-Free French Vanilla Coffee Creamer.

VST never wanted to cruise. We could’ve visited so many places, but, it wasn’t his thing. His disease caused paranoia, deep rooted and insidious. He loved the water, especially the ocean. But to let another be the captain was something he would never do. He was the captain of his own ship, charting his own unfamiliar waters until his very last day. When we first started boating in the early 1990’s, charts were on paper and needed studying. Folded maps held all the secrets beneath the surface of places you wanted to sail. Along with everything else his brain absorbed, late in the night, I would find him studying. Charts of Monterey Bay and the Santa Cruz Yacht harbor, spread out and examined carefully, while planning upcoming trips. He was prepared for any and every disaster. A lot to carry in one brain.

VST hated the thought of being trapped in a snow storm. For the last three winters, he was planning journeys at the first mention of inclement weather. Before snowflakes settled on VC, we were gone. The sunshine of Laughlin or Las Vegas provided relief from snow shoveling. Of all the horrible storms VC suffered over six years, we were never snowed in once, thanks to VST. Snowed out, yes. Snowed in, no.

Our journey was so viciously interrupted by cancer. Like a vulture, grief now pecks at the carcass of ruined dreams. My journey has been interrupted in ways I couldn’t have predicted a year ago. His journey was to a place so vast and far, there are no bridges connecting our worlds. Death cramped our style, eh, VST?

Today, I am going to do my best to take at least three mini journeys, in which there will be no interruptions. I plan to journey into the world of the Avengers and watch another fantastical movie, taking my mind off the snow and my house bound situation. A far more productive journey will take me into at least one closet, beginning the task of spring cleaning and the collection of discards for the spring yard sale. The last journey will be into the land half and half, vanilla, and Splenda, to create a new recipe for coffee creamer. Three journeys with three different results. I’ll enjoy this day, while the snow melts, and we are another day closer to leaving our homes and returning to our lives.

Thanks for listening. This widow needs her friends. Choose happiness. Grab a journey in whatever way you can. Through hawaiian music, or a travel show. Get out there and take a little trip. The price is just right.

Focus Determines Direction

Focus has been lost the last few days. Derailed by our 33rd wedding anniversary, I’m just now dusting off and finding direction again. First anniversaries of other kinds have been manageable. This one was brutal. Clinging to memories, I became trapped in the past for a little while. With snow piling up outside, I must regain focus on my direction while choosing happiness and peace. The snow will melt just as my grief will subside.

Calendar in hand, it boggles my mind that January’s end arrives Sunday. How this happened, in the blink of an eye, is astounding. Of all my years, one might think, in 2021, time oozes along like cold molasses. Widowed. Alone. Snowed in. Certainly not the case here. My focus turned away from administrative duties for a second and again, it’s time to pay the bills.

VST managed our financials. For years, I carried no purse or credit cards. Always being together, he paid for everything. When working on remodeling, a purse was an annoying hindrance, and so, I didn’t carry one. It worked for us, with his wallet at the ready. On the computer, hawk-eyed, he tended our bills. Alarms on his phone beeped at credit card purchases, while he checked to make sure they were ours. Turbo Tax and he were one, with 2020 taxes completed four weeks before he died. Automatic deposits would cause his phone to chirp on the 1st of each month. He was our financial wizard. Thank goodness, because that was no superpower of mine, or so I thought.

Widow-fogged, in the middle of packing and unpacking, I learned on-line banking in a flash. Practicing together, three weeks before he died, I learned the needed passwords. Beyond that, there were accounts to be managed, eliminating some and creating others due to the move and death.

Credit cards glared at me, right after VST passed. With his name on every account, I started the slow process of letting companies know he was gone. If you’ve done this, you know it’s death by one needle at a time to the heart. Often, while on hold, I had the wrapping paper at hand, packing box after box. With laser-like focus, I dismantled our physical life in the 17 short days after he was gone.

As the weeks passed, the banking became routine. To date, no bills have been missed, or even late, because of my errors. Ira’s were moved and relabeled. New accounts were formed. Investments were created, and now, I’m the Financial Wizard of Winterpast. It’s just taken ten months to arrive at that title.

Directions are funny. Focused on writing, my path is paved with words that rumble in my gut, tumble out of my brain, through my fingers, onto the screen. Some days, I wonder from where they all come, making me laugh and cry with no one else around. The click-ety clack of the keyboard soothes sleepy Ollie at my feet. Like an alarm, he knows when the sound stops, his day begins. Until then, his puppy dreams occupy him. Focus returns to all things business and books today, with limited time to practice lazy . Right now, there’s a business I need to build, and a book that needs a cover designed. More webinars to watch, guiding my focus in the direction of growth, while choosing the happiest route to get there.

Have fun today finding new direction and focus. Prepare for February. Next week!!! Until tomorrow, I love you.

Provo, Utah thank you for reading! I appreciate you. My Cambrian Goddesses, I love you so much. Stay safe. To the Lovely’s, thank you for Winterpast! Have a great day!

Danger. Warning. Cancer Just Ahead

Chronicling this journey through widowhood continues to provide relief by sharing some dark days. Up until now, I’ve reflected back on soul-blistering events while writing about them. Events that happened on insignificant dates, randomly remembered on a day I was strong enough to think about them.

Something new is happening now, unexpected and surreal. Just one year ago, VST became sick. On all the unthinkable events remembered before now, there wasn’t the compounded memory of last year’s nightmare and today’s grief. Now it begins in earnest. The last of my widow’s journey through the first year.

One year ago, VST and I were still looking for our dream town and house. There were so many signs of illness. Looking back, the warnings had been stacking up for months, all there, so plain to see. At the time, we didn’t put the puzzle pieces together that spelled the word CANCER. We were too busy navigating trips and our lives. With no RV trip taken in weeks, we decided to give the true desert one last look as a possible home town.

Pahrump is a fascinating little place in a very dreary way. Many people work in Las Vegas and live there, making the daily hour-long commute. It’s a flat desertscape surrounded by beautiful mountains. The sunrise and sunsets are fantastical, the colors changing with the seasons. People there are tough. Desert sand runs through their veins and they take pride in being Pahrump-ites. Many famous people quietly live there hidden in the sage, because it’s the kind of place you go to be. Just be. No one is better than anyone else. Everyone just gets through the sweltering desert heat, to enjoy the remaining seasons that are pretty pleasant. There is one main road through town and a mixture of housing developments, increasing in number every year. POOF dirt has ruined many dreams. Pahrump isn’t a place for everyone.

Pahrump is a favorite winter destination for retirees from all the cold places in the country. Affordable and quiet, the snowbirds take over in the winter. RV parks are filled with rigs from Minnesota, Nebraska, and Idaho. They move in and the town takes on a different feel. Pahrump-ites are content to buy essentials from WalMart. They like Bingo, slots, and visiting. Nightlife begins at 4 with Early Bird Specials. The nights are dark and star filled.

VST and I liked Pahrump. I don’t think anyone can say they LOVE Pahrump. It’s just a place to kick up dust in the desert. Lovely houses at great prices sit in nice neighborhoods. A dollar in Pahrump buys alot in the housing market. But, in the end, you are in Pahrump. You better like your neighbors and the desert, because there isn’t much else.

We’d gone on a fact finding mission. At this point, VST was becoming emotionally brittle. He wasn’t content just being, he wanted to be racing. That we did. The 7 hour trip, left us tired and cranky, with rig set-up to finish before dinner. Fast food burgers and fries were the dinner choice with our salt intake in the unhealthy range.

The next day, we met the sweetest realtor and her partner who’d arranged for us to view 10 homes over the course of six hours. While viewing, it became apparent something had changed. VST was depending on his cane much more than usual and didn’t participate in conversations like usual. He’d view each home, but not participate in the way we always had before. I would look at cabinetry and interior, while he’d be examining roof lines and foundation issues. We were a whirlwind of observations, exchanged at lightning speed, with a rating. “No”. “Maybe”. “Put it on the list”. On to the next. On this day, I knew something was wrong, but chalked it up to a very long day-before. Viewing ten homes in one day bends the mind, but, we were on a mission. We had seen “WINTERPAST” and wanted to be very sure about our decision.

That night, while eating more fast food, I saw his ankles and feet for the first time. The swelling was intense, stretching his skin way past comfortable. The scariest part was that he hadn’t noticed anything different. DIFFERENT and WRONG on steroids.

Here’s the deal. These are my memories of a year ago now. Not of the closet construction. Not of our last Christmas caring for each other through colds. Not of walks with Oliver, or being at the beach. This first memory involving cancer and death happened one year ago today, with more becoming progressively worse until April 8th. For these days, I need to prepare. Storms they are coming.Flashbacks can be intense and scary. My journey of widowhood is far from over, and the next two months may be a bumpy ride.

My 2020 Planner lays closed. Inside, it holds all the activities and appointments we endured. January 24 was still a normal day that found VST a little under the weather. We’d go to the doctor and get him checked out. He’d probably need a diuretic. We’d eliminate the terrible food we’d been eating and get back to our regular diets. Elevating his legs at night, everything would return to normal. Except, it didn’t turn out that way.

Resting is important now for me now. Walking is vital. I’m paying attention meals. Remembering to get out a little, I make my cocooned time positively comforting. Sleep comes when I am tired, and creativity is a vent to help me heal. We all choose our own Food, Shelter, and Clothing, (my Widow Words during Month One). Just by taking control of the most basic things in your life, your foundation will have time to strengthen. One day at a time, we’ll make it through.

Widow News, Anew

My New-Life news have, at times, been overwhelming in the past 9.5 months. New from the foundation up, life changed in one big Cancer diagnosis, declared Cholangiocarcinoma by the oncologist 7 days before VST died. During the eight weeks before, sickness had taken hold, an obvious fact. Cancer and death weren’t expected until they appeared, bringing devastating and miraculous experiences to me.

Breathing was still a necessity, although it became different through tears of grief. Panic’d days brought a rapid rhythm, while deep thought stop my breathing all together. Moving boxes and furniture at 6,200 ft. caused me to struggle for breath quite often. Putting together the memorial book of VST often left me breathless. Revisiting memories staring back through hundreds of pictures, I looked for just the right ones. Months later, as new things challenge me, my breathing remains steady. My heart rarely skips a beat. My body is learning this new normal of living, while repairing a battered heart. Thank goodness it could run on auto pilot these past few months.

“WINTERPAST” was the best “NEW” I could’ve chosen. Moving couldn’t be stopped, and for me, shouldn’t have been stopped. New ways of thinking and doing were embraced, as every bit of advice I received told me to stay put. New walls waited for aged pictures and paintings. Like old friends, many have been with me since I was a babe in arms. Guardians of my past, my new home offered the perfect places for them to rest, watching over me still. New ground, new plants, new spring life, new hope, in my new season of life.

Yesterday, I was thinking about VST’s office and the pack-rat way he had stuffed two closets with his belongings. Not an inch to spare inside, they were full to the ceiling with belongings reflecting a rich and full life. Some things hold their secrets tight, as he is no longer here to add stories we would’ve loved to know. New discoveries hid amidst his treasures in things I didn’t know he had secreted away. His treasure trove of memories dear to him became new to me. Each new office document I discover, less than a year old and inked with his left handed writing, is a new hug in message form that I can handle this stuff.

New town. New friends. New street. New house. New routines. New. New. New. This against every bit of advice I received when VST died. Discarding old, while embracing new, I ran into the forest of widowhood with scissors. Tripping, scraping my knees, falling, face first, but always getting up, I kept going. Pretty soon, the scissors were dropped for safety, and I kept going. After awhile, I didn’t need to run so fast. Today, here I am, having survived my wedding anniversary yesterday, while almost arriving at the milestone of my first year without VST. New. Faith anew.

Yesterday, I continued viewing the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies about fantasy heroes that have outrageous abilities. There are over 20 movies in the series, so, it’ll take me awhile to finish. This genre of movies, new to me, took some time to embrace. After watching six, I find I’m enjoying the story lines of each one. The bedroom television provides a new location to watch them. My own private and comfy movie theater has become part of a new routine, with jammies the required attire. Popcorn optional.

A few days ago, while trying to explain the events of this personal tragedy, I envisioned my former life as my neat and tidy doll house. Everything was dialed in, just so. Things clicked along by design, with two happy people enjoying the fruits of their labor. On a cloud free winter’s day, cancer took that life and turned it upside down with the fury of the universe. I was left to scurry around, grabbing at bits and pieces of broken-everything, with the need to put things right immediately. Today, new experiences are beginning to gel into life, after the old life was swept away forever, now memorialized on the pages of scrap books, keeping sweet memories alive.

Today, embrace your New, examining it for redeeming changes it has presented in your life. While widowhood is certainly not a deliberate choosing of our own, sunshine follows any storm. Find a little ray and bask in it. Grief’s darkest hour will lighten as the days roll on. Don’t forget to look for the true beauty of new life. That’s my news for the day.

Happy Anniversary, VST

Thirty-three years ago today, January 23, 1988, VST and I exchanged vows before family and friends. It was a small and sweet ceremony, made meaningful by our own little touches. We were in our early thirties, grabbing at golden rings and hanging on for dear life. As we become one, our family grew into a whirling blend of two eleven year olds (VST’s Twins), two eight-year-olds, (one from each of us), and a six year old, (mine). Five wonderful kids that made our life exciting and full throughout our years together.

That morning, I remember being the classic jittery bride. With the important women in my life giving me strength, the morning was full of all the normal preparations. I remember lots of laughter and fun putting the last minute finishes on everything. Auntie TJ added sparkle to the morning, along with Bestie Friend and CC. They were all there to celebrate the day. As I waited for our moment to arrive, the beautiful reflection in the mirror was someone I had yet to meet. So beautiful and young. Hopeful, I was scared out of my mind.

All the hassles of months before melted away that morning. Remembering the day we went to tell our parents made me smile. VST’s parents were gracious and welcoming. His mother told me many times over the years she knew the very moment VST fell in love with me. He changed. She could see it in his eyes. Who’s to argue with your mother-in-law, right? She soon changed her title to Mother-In-Love. Through the years, she became my mom, too.

On the day we told my parents, my dad wanted to know if this was one of those “Spur of the Moment” things. I really don’t know what he meant, as communication with dad was never very clear. Everyone quietly counted on fingers, sure the speed in which we married had to do with a sixth child. We fooled them all. The stork had no deliveries at our house. Our family was complete at five.

My mother was aghast that I wore a traditional wedding gown, but wear it I did. No, I rocked it. VST wore an amazing grey suit that was tailored to fit him perfectly. There we were, two kids at the alter, vowing to love and cherish each other until death. Taking on life, we’d both give our marriage undivided attention and focus. We weren’t going to allow anything to derail this new union, honoring and respecting each from that day on. That’s exactly what we managed to do for over 32 years. Not always in the most graceful manner, but, that’s life, right?

Our parents and friends quickly came to admire all the things we loved about each other. Blessed with their support and love, they watched us find our way through life. For that, we were so very grateful.

Last week, I found the anniversary card VST gave me 365 days ago. Through the years, we had abandoned reciprocal gifts, but, always found just the right cards to exchange. He always took me, his Darlin’, for a celebratory meal. We held hands, just a year ago. He still turned my head as he held my heart in his heart. He was the last person I wanted to see before dreams came, and the first person I wanted to greet in the morning. He was the best person with which to share morning coffee while exchanging opinions about the morning news. He remained my groom, and I, his bride, even though we were no longer those kids at the alter.

Today, I’ll embrace peace and quiet as I reflect on our years together. Blessed to have the marriage we did, we shared so many wonderful adventures. I know he’ll be with me today, his angel wings surrounding Oliver and me, in Winterpast, the home he bought for us. God frosted my world in snow today, reminded me of that afternoon at 2 PM, when I was the girl in white.

I love you sweet, VST. Happy Anniversary. Save me a spot next to you in heaven. Until then, fare thee well.

This song is worth a listen. I send it to you, VST.

10,000 Miles

Sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter

Fare thee well,

My own true love.

Farewell for a while

I’m going away.

But I’ll be back

Though I go ten thousand miles.

Ten thousand miles,

My own true love,

Ten thousand miles or more.

The rocks may melt

And the seas may burn

If I should not return.

Oh, don’t you see

That lonesome dove

Sitting on an ivy tree:

She’s weeping for

Her own true love,

As I shall weep for mine.

Oh come ye back,

My own true love,

And stay a while with me.

If I had a friend

All on this earth

You’ve been a friend to me.

Shopping Extravaganza Day!

Oliver and I are in eager anticipation of our day, packed and ready to roll. Ollie will be visiting his friends at Doggie Day Camp, while I will be visiting two of my Besties to shop! It was brought to my attention that if asked to accompany someone to dinner, I have but three dresses. Three. Worse than that, they’re all summer dresses. Currently, the weather is anything but spring-like, with morning temps starting at 25 degrees.

Last week, my VC neighbor, Glass Wizard, phoned to see if I might want to go with another VC friend, Della Rio, on a shopping adventure. In my past life, I wasn’t a patient or thoughtful shopper. It seemed whatever I needed in the way of clothing could be found, purchased, and worn right off the stacks at Costco or Sam’s Club. Face it, VST and I were glampers. We lived in hoodies and jeans, or tees and shorts as we traversed the country. Seldom did we dress up when we were traveling.

VST, on the other hand, did involve us in a service organization in which it was necessary to own a tuxedo. He always looked so handsome as he left to attend meetings. I looked nice, too, when I dressed up to accompany him. We were a snazzy couple when we chose to be. Otherwise, we were just a cute couple of travelers that preferred casual fun.

I find myself looking in my closet and taking notes of everything that I need to replace. From dresses to shoes to everything in between. I haven’t even started with new makeup trends. I need an entire make-over, and tomorrow will be the day this begins.

Shopping for a new look is something every widow can enjoy. It’s been easy for me to spend too many days in my comfy fleece PJ’s, while staying in because it might snow. Note, I said it MIGHT snow. It hasn’t. It has been beautiful weather. There are so many reasons I can convince myself to stay inside and avoid venturing out. Today, my schedule will be infused with spring fashions and lunch at a tasty and tony Mexican restaurant in a lovely shopping center south of the city center. The three of us gal pals have lots to chat about.

After a day of shopping, I’ve decided to spend the night in town, rather than heading back to my little desert villa. One of the perks of living near a resort town is that there are resorts. Oh Happy Day. Reserved just for me, I’ll have a suite with a hot tub. I’m looking forward to room service and soaking. If I close my eyes long enough, I might be able to believe it’s the olden days, when VST and I would do something like this often. I plan to soak up resort life during my waking hours. I might even visit the spa for a wrap, just because.

Attending a virtual service group meeting last night, an interesting proposal was made by a housebound member. She requested that the group meet in person, with those having Covid concerns having the option of remaining virtual. The group agreed that being housebound is not necessary for everyone. I, for one, cannot remain housebound anymore. Tomorrow will be the first of many days I need to venture out and find normal for me. Solitary confinement is worse than any disease I can think of while killing my spirit.

Remember, as you head out, follow new protocol. Have a mask at the ready, with an extra along, just in case. Be sure to use lots of hand sanitizer and don’t touch your face. Keep six feet away from everyone else at all times. All that being said, find something outside the house to do today. Enjoy yourself and choose happiness. It’s a universal size and looks great on us all.

Bored Guy

Busily, I’ve been working on computer analytics. As a new blogger focused on writing, I’m now working on growing my audience. Each day, I spend more time learning about analytical programs that show trends with my readers. NOT being a computer geek, the going is rather slow. Each time I conquer another step, I’m victoriously thrilled.

Back in September, inspired by a podcasting friend, I really thought all I’d need to do was write. There were a few steps in between. Looking online for recommendations, Blue Host and Word Press were recommended for ease of use and cost effectiveness. I found this to be true on both counts. Then, I was off and running. When boredom would rear its ugly head, I’d write or work on my site. Suddenly, writing until lunch each day, I’ve found my best and last career. As of this morning, I have 1300 readers who have read 4450 blog posts, being from 38 countries. Even from Nepal!!! Hi, Nepal!! I love you Serbia!!! Hey, Moldova!!! Wait, sorry, I’ll continue here. If you’ve a desire to blog, don’t wait. Stories need to be told. Hearts need to be heard. Every writer makes an impact on the world, even in the most remote villages of Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, or Moracco.

Months ago, I messaged an online gentleman from Sacramento. Immediately, I was offline and back at my work after his two words of communication.

“I’m bored.”

How unattractive! How unimaginative! How unstimulating! How….well….for lack of a better term……BORING. Definitely not my type. VST and I never had time to be bored, jetting through life devouring every second. People marveled at our accomplishments. Full throttle was our normal.

Traveling through month after month of widowhood, boredom has reared its ugly head at times. Taking charge of the problem, an ongoing list of tasks was created. Whether I want to or not, I choose one when boredom strikes. Being busily bored I can accept, but idle whining is not in my wheelhouse. Forward movement cannot occur when distracted by boredom and self pity.

Boredom causes struggles at the helm of one’s personal ship. Kick it overboard. Think of it! As Senior widows, we can decided what to do, when and where. We can have lunch at 9AM or 5 PM. We can paint our bathroom in hot pink, if we choose. We can decorate our garage. Make our entire house a SHE-SHED. Sad? Yes! Of course! But, bored??? There’s always a choice better than boredom.

I love the challenge of learning something new and productive on the computer. While not easy, often eating up hours without success, it’s proving I can do something new and enjoy it. I’ve amassed many activities on my list of TRY’s. Publishing my first book. Painting in water colors. Landscaping with new varieties of plants. Vegetable gardening in the high desert. Photography. Planning my wardrobe. Revisiting Makeup. Driving across the United States myself, just once. There are so many new things I want to do, my dreams go on and on, while BOREDOM has no place.

Daily schedules keep me mindful of time and accomplishments. If lunch is at 11:30, my morning is used more efficiently. On days when boredom is lurking, I stay busy, marking things off when done. Before I know it, it’s dinner time and the finished projects cause a smile.

There are also so many ways to improve a boring day. Take a walk in the fresh, crisp winter air. Watch a movie that transports you to another place and time. Listen to your favorite music and dance a little. Call a friend and see if they want to meet for coffee. The list is endless. Just don’t revert to the “I’m Bored” statement. Once it’s uttered, it like an infection, spreading through body and mind.

What happened to Bored Guy??? I assume he’s still idling in PARK while whining that life isn’t as stimulating as activities during his childhood summer camp. Avoid that mistake! Pick yourself up, dust off the cobwebs, and find something new to occupy your thoughts and time. Life is gone in the snap of a finger, one minute at a time. Don’t waste it.

RESPECT – 2

Feeling a little blue this AM, I reflect on my word of the month and think on it awhile. Respect is a word that can be used in a many situations, all conjuring up a different mental image. In the writing world, this is delicious. If I’m writing about the respect a child shows for a parent, the image is different than that of a homeowner showing respect for their home. Right now, we might all show respect for the country that has served us well, and the changing of the political scene.

I respect our flag and everything it stands for. My two sons gave 40 years of their lives serving our country, often in harms way in the desert. Having traveled to ten countries myself, I didn’t run across one in which I’d have liked to live out the remainder of my years. Even Switzerland, in its parklike beauty, wasn’t home. Not in the least bit.

Traveling through the country over three years and 50,000 miles, I learned so much. Beauty surrounded us at every turn, I learned that my American roots run deep. There are indeed prairies where the deer and antelope play. I’ve watched sunrises there, hand in hand, with VST. Until you have seen Big Sky, you have no idea what that phrase means. The feeling in your heart when you stand in the middle of Big Sky in the darkness and see the stars is overwhelming. A spiritual experience found nowhere else.

Breathtaking, the beauty of the Grand Canyon leaves me speechless every time. There really is a main street Winslow, Arizona, full of pretty girls in flat bed Fords. Wild bison still roam in South Dakota. But the best thing of all is our people. Fellow Americans. We are different, and yet not. We all have a love of country. Our core beliefs are different, but we all love our home passionately. That’s an important trait we all hold in our hearts. Somehow, we have embraced wildly different ways of expressing our ideas on the emotional way we feel about America. Respecting our home and country, it’s a prayer from my soul that we can find commonalities in which to start meaningful conversations again. The shouting needs to stop as we find respect in the art of listening more than talking.

VST, being one of the most respectful people I have known in my life, always listened more than talked. At work, farmers would come in like boiling tea pots, frothing while whistling in a whiny kind of way. VST would just turn off the fire, listening the entire time, until they cooled off. Then, he’d have thought up a way to turn their gaze towards a solution to their problem. He was masterful at this and did it in all aspects of his life. Never losing his cool, he knew how to really listen, searching for solutions, and never breaking a frown or sweat. I miss that.

Today, I’m going to start by respecting my peace and quiet in this age of Covid. The television will remain off, as I plan my spring garden and the new flowers that are going to grow there. I may step into the sunshine and prune some roses. Oliver and I will play frisbee a bit, while looking for birds that are doing their best to find a little warmth in the trees these days.

Respecting my body, I plan to take a walk in the sunshine. Respecting my neighbors, I’m going to smile and wave with an open hand to everyone I pass. I’m going to plan a diet friendly meal and get back on track, because, bathing suits are unforgiving, and my spa days are right around the corner. Respecting my own feelings, I may just need a nap later today, because stress negates energy. Listening to my own bio-rhythms, I’ll know what I need to do.

In respect for VST’s memory, I may work on my scrap booking a little later today, placing pictures in the order in which they were taken, year after year. Remembering that we were respectful to each other makes me feel even luckier than ever before. Respect was a cornerstone of the success of 32 beautiful years. Our differences of opinion, ways of completing a task, or ways of showing our love to each other were always a source of respect and awe. It kept things new and exciting. Valued and cherished.

Today, please, find things respected in your life. Things respect worthy. Spend some time with a person you respect, and tell them you do. Drive respectfully. Try to think of just one thought about our country with respect. Wave at a neighbor. Perform a random act of kindness. Today is the perfect day for it. Time’s a wasting.

Anger, Fear, and Sadness

Moving to a new town as a total stranger has left me with little human contact, leaving me a little sad. Because of this, it became apparent early on, that I would need to find some friends. I decided join a community club. Covid has rendered many groups inactive, due to stringent requirements regarding meeting places. Many seniors aren’t comfortable in large groups and internet meetings are often technologically stressful. My new group is struggling with these very problems, leaving everyone remembering and wishing for the olden days. With turmoil in the world, many after suffering from anger, sadness and fear.

Political service groups in this day and age are a hotbed of emotions. Without going into the politics, my group’s no different. Members are taking names and sides. Feelings are easily hurt, and frustrations are running high. This, coupled with the fact that I hardly know any of the members, led me to an interesting situation last week.

Publicity Committee Chair sounded like a fun little assignment when offered to me. A simple release of meeting times and speaker topics once a month to the media. Nothing too heavy there. It sounded like something I’d sandwich between my days of writing and be quite happy with my contribution to the group. I should’ve asked a few more questions.

On my first assignment, I made a few errors, leaving the women that were watching over me scrambling to fix things. Emotions were running a little high, and quite frankly, it overwhelmed me. In fact, I emailed the two ladies that I’d be resigning. Thankfully they are more experienced, wiser, and not in the new widow category. Concerned and supportive, they both came to see me and we worked things out.

During this meeting, the obvious cause of my unhappiness became apparent to me. My actual frustration and decision to leave the group had nothing to do with the group itself. It had to do with Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Carefully examining my own feelings, I found, for me, they are divided equally. When anger flared, flames were fanned by underlying situations in the daily news. When my sadness oozed out, it was complicated by anger and fear. When my fear surfaced, it was compounded by anger and sadness. The three amigos of unhappiness, were feeding an emotional bonfire.

As I talked to these sweet new friends, it became clear that I hadn’t considered the real reasons behind my ultimate frustrations. When I did, it was like deflating balloons. While chairing the publicity committee, I need to be mindful as I make press releases and club notices. That’s all there is too it. Thank goodness these women were wise and really anxious for me to stay in their group.

After they left, I reflected on these three emotions and how they’ve haunted me through widowhood. Intertwined like a ball of snakes, one could easily be misidentified for another. They’ve stolen from the quality of my life, at times, blocking out happiness. Now, when feeling one, I look for the other two hiding in the background. When examining the three together, appropriate life adjustments have come a bit easier.

My ultimate goal is to choose happiness, but not if the other three feelings are hiding behind the door, unresolved. That wouldn’t work anyway. They are very sneaky little emotions, clouding everything and ruining a lot.

Publicity Chairperson is going to be a rewarding position that I’ll complete, as agreed. When meeting other members that are either angry, fearful, or sad, we can join hands and talk about our feelings together. This world needs everyone stop and to count to ten. Just breathe. Things will be better each day, as we find our way. The sadness comes with the realization that normal is different now. In the meanwhile, put on a pot of coffee and have your Besties over for a visit. Try not to spend to much time with Anger, Fear, and Sadness. Hear them. Thank them. Show them the door. Happiness and laughter are waiting right around the corner for an invite.

How We Met — Part 6

Many days had expired since the 5th, and no longer were VST and I under the spell of a magical September night of dancing. Busy with life, we weren’t thinking about what might have been, being too entrenched in what was. Make no mistake about this. We were both starving for love, with deep emotional wounds, and empty places in our hearts. We just hid that underneath very attractive exteriors, buried deep within. Bachelor and Bachelorette, we were.

Receiving my lunchtime update, I took down numbers of new clients from my Answering Service Angel (ASA). Business was picking up, that being a very good thing. In just a few months, Christmas would arrive, along with taxes and the ongoing expenses of owning a very old house. When done giving me contact information, ASA schooled me in the most devilish terms.

“Now. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know you didn’t ever return VST’s calls. Why is a puzzlement to me. We’ve never met, but, I know your situation. You sound smart. You seem like a good business woman. Intelligent. Savvy. But, you’re as dumb as a box of rocks in the ways of the heart. Joy. This guy’s a nice guy. You need to call him today. I know your schedule and you aren’t too busy. This is rude. It’s insane. Are you listening to me?? I’ve been around the block a few times. Do it TODAY.”

I did listen, after finally hearing her, and she was absolutely right. He hadn’t called back in 24 hours. What was I thinking? I knew him a very long time ago and we were good friends. I needed to find out what was behind that dance. All at once, there was nothing else I needed to do more than call him. So, I did.

Awkward. Chilly. Not very interactive. That was the reception I received for about the first 15 seconds, until the icy conversation melted into something more. With only a little time in our work day, he would telephone later that evening. I would definitely answer the phone.

The conversation went late into the night, with laughter and quiet pauses while digesting stories exchanged. Magic traced the lines between his home and mine. Back and forth like electrical currents. Minutes conversing were stolen at different times of the day, until on Thursday we decided it was time to share a dinner date at my house. It was a weekend the boys would be home and he could meet them. 7:00PM at my old house on the very wrong side of town. I would cook.

Friday morning, with an important dinner date on my mind, I received a call from a desperate CC. She needed a favor. She had a date and her babysitter wasn’t available. Could I please watch her daughter?????? Friday night? 7:00 pm?

My thoughts immediately went into Bestie mode and mom mode. If VST couldn’t handle three little kids all under 5 feet tall, he wasn’t the guy for me.

Yes.

With that, I planned dinner and looked forward to my first date in awhile with a guy that I found not so annoying. The solid friendship we’d formed in high school unfolded as we told stories and laughed like we had years ago. Shared friends and acquaintance were discovered. He worked with my cousin. His workmates knew my family. An intricate web of connections was already in place, as people we knew cheered when they found out who we might be dating.

It’s difficult to plan a romantic evening with two 8 year olds and a 6 year old runnning around. Really, it’s just controlled chaos in a 900 square foot home on a sweltering September night in the central valley of California. Trying to cook in a kitchen with only a swamp cooler for relief made for a sweaty environment. Barbecued Tri-Tip was the main dish with sides of salad and potatoes, with ice cream for desert. Although very old, my BBQ was efficient, and I knew this was one meal I couldn’t ruin.

The boys were excited to be having a party with CC’s daughter. They played together often and always had the best time. They would tolerate an unknown gentleman, but the real fun would be with their friend. We were all excited about our play dates and with the ring of the doorbell, the party began. CC was thankful as she rushed off, looking like a million bucks. As the three kids spun around fast enough to turn to butter, the doorbell rang again.

VST filled the space, as I opened the door. He stood there with one red rose and two John Deere Teddy bears. A girl and a boy. He wore pale blue and a nervous smile. His eyes said everything you would’ve expected. Crossing through the threshold into my world, things would never return to the normal we’d both known just hours before.

Dinner burned. Sadly, the BBQ let me down, while our conversation proved too distracting. But, no one really noticed. It was the nicest dinner I’d shared with anyone in a very long time, while the conversation continued until he left at a respectable 10:00. CC returned to take a very sleepy little girl home, while two little boys snuggled into their beds and fell fast asleep.

I was left to reflect on the wonderful evening we’d shared, minus the burned dinner. Burned food and fires became my trademark over the years, earning me the nickname Torch. Prophetic, he should have noted my lack of abilities in the kitchen, but here were so many other things to observe. Both of us felt the comfortable way you feel with a most trusted friend. Someone who’s significant in your life. A person you hope will be your ally for a long time to come.

So many precious memories from those first little moments come back to me, even now. Eleven days after that first date, he proposed. That question, asked in such a private and sweet way, will remain a moment secret to us until I die. My answer was YES, as crazy as it seemed. Three months later, I walked down the aisle into his arms and we never looked back with anything but grateful hearts that it was us.

Our story is one of millions shared about the beginnings of true love. It’s the sweetest one I’ve been lucky to know or tell, because it was ours. Take some times to memorialize yours on paper. The sights and smells. The sighs and laughter. The glances exchanged. If you can’t write it, think it. If you can’t think it, dream about it. Don’t put it away in a dusty, forgotten place in your heart. Those we lost live on because we loved them so and can tell about it. So, tell. Remember. And smile.

Thanks for reading about a few precious days in my life. I promise, I’ll return to real time escapades and experiences tomorrow! I love you, Readers! Be sure to tell a friend about Grievinggardener.com.

How We Met — Part 5

Sunday, September 6th was a quiet day of reflection. Laundry and house work busied me while preparing for the boys to come home at day’s end. Owning a very small business, I couldn’t afford an office or staff, but did hire a little answering service. A physically challenged entrepreneur ran her business with professional efficiency from her home. I depended on her to screen my business contacts. Although I’d never met her in person, we spoke often throughout the day. She was an excellent first contact for potential clients.

Evening calls from her were infrequent, but not unheard of either. So when the phone rang late in the afternoon, I quickly answered, hoping to pick up another job for the slow week ahead. Her call was not what I had expected.

“Joy, a man called just a few minutes ago. His name was VST. He asked that you return his phone call at your convience. “

I must say, I was disappointed it wasn’t another job, money being a little tight. However, the thought that VST had phoned me also made my heart flutter just the tiniest.

“Thanks. I met him at the class reunion last night. I’ll call him back.”

Truth being what it was, I probably wouldn’t, and certainly not that night. The boys would return home at any second, and the time was theirs. Dinner would be followed by baths and bedtime stories. After that, I would need some quiet time. No. He wouldn’t receive an evening call from me. Besides, he was a man and that spelled trouble.

Monday’s were always hectic. The boys needed breakfast and lunch money before I scooted them off to school. Still hoping for extra work, I had a busy morning with my octogenarians who waited, with hearts a-fluttering, to hear about the reunion. To their disappointment, I gave them very little information, barely mentioning VST. They’d been sure I’d return Monday with grand news of a new love affair, but that wasn’t the case.

Lunchtime came, and again, I received a call from my answering service angel.

“Joy, you just received a 2nd call from VST asking that you please return his call. He sounds extremely nice. I’m pretty sure he isn’t calling to find out about housekeeping rates. You need to call this one back.”

How dare she! The nerve!!!!! What did she know about my life? About struggles I faced every day as a single mother. Complications of a new boyfriend I didn’t need no matter how nice he was on the phone.

“Thanks so much. I have his number and will be sure to get back to him as soon as I have a spare moment.”

I lied.

That night, the slow dance had nearly faded out of mind. Homework, dinner, dishes, baths, tv, and 7:30 bedtime were all packed into a few short hours.. By time the boys were fast asleep, I was right behind them. Thinking of the return phone call that had been delayed two times now, my guilt surfaced. I’d make it right tomorrow and call him. Besides, maybe he did need a housekeeper.

Tuesday morning flew by, with a lunchtime call from my answering angel.

“Joy. You didn’t call him back did you??? He just called. He sounds like such a great guy. If you don’t call him, I will. Please! Don’t be stupid about this. Call him and find out what he wants. Seriously, you’re playing the fool here. I don’t know much, but I know you need to call him back.”

Seeing red, I replied, “Okay.”

At about the same time this conversation occurred, on the other side of town, VST was traveling in his blue and white Jeep Wrangler. He was also seeing red. What the heck??? Had he missed something??? Was their dance misread on his part??? Was she a player??? Had she changed that much from the girl he liked in choir??? With that, he found her embossed business card in his breast pocket. The one that had he’d kept above all the other numbers he’d collected on the 5th. His fingers clinched it. At the next stop light, he ripped it into tiny angry little pieces Rolling down his window, he tossed them out and watched as they fluttered to the road. He was wrong on that one. He’d been played by Miss Blue Eyes. He was glad it was over as the light turned green.

“You win some, you lose some,” he thought, as he drove his Jeep towards fun with PA. No need to wait for her anymore. Ignoring the disappointment that clouded his drive, he was done thinking about the bluest eyes. Absolutely, once and for all, D-O-N-E.

To be continued…..

How We Met — Part 4

Closing the front door behind me while kicking off the wicked red shoes, I winced. What had possessed me to wear heels, anyway? Bleeding toes bandaged, I burrowed into my softest robe to think a minute. Tired as I’d been, I wasn’t the least bit sleepy while recounting the evening down to the tiniest detail. Not the sauce smothering the chicken and rice, but thinking about him. VST. The tall one.

My elderly client had nearly driven me to anger only a few days before. On a normal work day, she started outlining the positive points of attending the reunion. After all, I was a beautiful, single woman. She droned on and on about the possibilities of meeting Mr. Right. I had assured her that there would be no Oklahoma Cowboy showing up in surrey with the fringe on top to whisk me away. It wasn’t lost on me that after 61 years of marriage, these elders, Emilie and Bill, sat at the breakfast table gazing into each other’s eyes every morning while holding hands their coffee cups. Although not high school sweethearts, they were certainly octogenarian lovers. They could feel my loneliness, hoping I would find what they had someday.

“Well, you MUST attend. I’ll help you pick out something to wear. You’ve been working so hard. The boys are such a handful. Please. Just go and have yourself a little fun. Just for a night! And maybe…” My body language screamed STOP, while she smiled so sweetly and then did the most infuriating thing. She winked. WHAT. WERE. THEY. THINKING? These two old farts that I loved dearly always shared their opinions freely. Remembering life together, from depression poor to old age rich, they shared their stories. I usually listened. This was different.

Men. I could do without them. I had my DUSTY MONEY, shining wealthy client possessions. I had two little men in my life. They were my soul. Their smiles ignited my will to do my best for them. I had my own house, such as it was. A full set of dishes and towels. A set of my own tools. A new car. My own feet to take me dancing whenever I wanted.

Dancing??? My mind waltzed back to VST. Funny how he dwarfed PA, his new neighbor. PA had all the lines and moves down, avoiding marriage so far. Years of flashing a smile showing perfectly whitened teeth against skin glowing tanned always got the girl. VST might be tall, but PA could reel in the most unwilling woman with his charm. Anyone who’s attended a class reunion understands the difficulty in placing people. Most times those that were hot are not while those that weren’t hot often are. Then, there are those that command looks no matter how many years have passed. VST and PA filled that category.

Remembering VST’s hazel eyes, I wondered whether the kindness known in high school was still there. The blue shirt had showcased youthful skin and soulful eyes. A tenderness could be hidden there. It was when they had shared sheet music during choir.

WAIT. WARNING. WARNING. DANGER. Something was definitely amiss. VST was with PA, who was known to everyone as the cattle baron playboy. STOP. HOLD THE PHONE. VST was now a grown man. A player. Suddenly sleepy, I decided it was time to turn in. There would be time enough to consider this situation in the morning. Staring at the ceiling through the dark, I hoped sleep would find me soon.

Drifting off, I recalled school days choir. Songs sung. Laughter. VST coming to class freshly showered, just finishing PE. Letterman’s jacket boasting athletic awards on school letters. His smile. His dimples. The way his hair curled ever so slightly as it dried. His booming bass voice. His shy friendship with me.

VST, still back at the Ranch, rocked a night dancing with many partners, promising to contact them all. His pocket overflowed with a variety of phone numbers from old friends. Women were so easy. In his telling of our story, that night was tinted with blue after our dance. The bluest eyes he’d seen left him wanting to see them again. I remained on his mind long after the music stopped.

To Be Continued……..

How We Met — Part 3

September 5th finally arrived, as it does every year. The one difference was that there was a big party planned for the D & D Ranch in which graduates from two high school classes would be celebrating their 14th and 15th class reunions. D&D Ranch was a romantic little party venue nestled in the heart of a 100 acre parcel. Country Western in theme, there were little buildings spread about, reflecting western heritage. A wide area of lush green lawn grew under the shade of 8 very large fruitless mulberry trees. The trees were adorned with lights, adding to the festivities.

Early in the day, I’d accepted work assignments to cover a few added expenses involved with the reunion. A new outfit wasn’t cheap. I’d worked until 1 PM, before running across town to Macy’s to purchase a denim pencil skirt, cream colored blouse, colorful western scarf, and the reddest high heels I could find. All things considered, it was a miracle that those pieces were found in one short hour. After rushing home to get ready, I raced to Bestie Friend’s house. We’d be going to the party in her husband’s fancy schmansy Porsche. White and expensive. It wasn’t my style, but, I was just along for the ride and would go gracefully. BF take a picture of me in my new outfit, memorializing the moment. Maybe I would use it for my new business cards.

Simultaneously, on the other side of town, a pre-party bash was taking place at PA’s house. VST asked PA to photograph him. VST had gone through the unpleasant task of telling his new girl that she wasn’t invited to the reunion. This hadn’t gone well, with many angry words tossed about. PA and VST would go to the party without dates. What would be the point, otherwise? In that, they were in full agreement. PA’s white Porsche was washed and ready for the night. The parking lot would hold only two Porshe’s that night.

Reunion committee members created a beautiful and inviting atmosphere. There were lights in the trees, and cloth-cloaked tables set for dinner under them. Every detail was well thought out. As BF and I arrived, all I wanted to do was pick a table and sit down. Hot, bright red, new heels were causing flaming red blisters on my little toes. The futility of the evening played on in my head. By this time, I’d given up and smiled blankly as people I used to know walked by. BF chatted on about this person or that one.

It was then I saw him. VST. From across the yard, he stood, his image forever branded on my brain. He wore the palest blue Polo dress shirt, and very tight blue jeans. His belt, a favorite, had his name imprinted on the back, as cowboy belts often did in those days. He wore brown cowboy boots, and RayBan glasses. As he spoke to those around him, he worked the dimple from time to time. He could have graced the cover of GQ.

“Who’s the tall one?” I remember asking BF. She replied, and a memory of the boy in choir came rushing back. Gone was the chubby boy. Here was a very attractive man standing in the glow of the valley’s setting sun. Slowly, VST and PA started towards our table.

Fighting began immediately, as I was in some kind of mood. He sensed that and was in some kind of mood to mess with me. He insisted I was married to my ex-brother-in-law. I corrected him. He rattled on stating facts about all I’d been doing with my life. Uniformed and incorrect, I set him straight. Barbed arrows flew back and forth between us, leaving me focused on my blisters and longing for my dingy little house on the bad part of town. I could be reading or scrubbing the floor. It was going to be a very, very long night.

Chicken and rice was the standard for catered dinners. People at the table visited politely. VST and PA had joined us, and I could tell VST was enjoying any little dig he could send my way. I ignored him, smiling at anyone else but him. As the dishes were being cleared away, guests were encouraged to move into the open sided barn for dancing. Hearing this, and hoping to be one step closer to the BF’s Porshe and our get-away, I was first to snag a bale of hay.

This next point is still in contention, even in my own brain. Sadly, I have no one left to argue the point. I got to the bale first. If VST was here, he would interrupt and say that it was his bale. It was mine. I sat down watching everyone else enter. It was then that VST sat down right next to me, closer than close. He tried to make small talk, receiving the worst replies, of YES, NO, MAYBE, or I DON’T KNOW. My skirt, pincil-ey skinny and tight, was pinching in the worst way. My shoes. Dont’ even get me started. The long sleeved blouse was hot, stiff, and constricting. The scarf was choking me. I just wanted to go home.

With a bevy of beautiful and very hopeful cleavaged women surrounding our bale, VST did the most outrageous thing. He asked if I would like to dance with him. I found myself on my feet and following him to the center of the dance floor. I found myself in his arms, as a very sweet and slow dance played. Prior hostilities vanished and it felt like home should feel. Like I had been dancing with him my entire life, it was a moment that will last throughout my eternity.

He whispered that I had the bluest eyes. My mind snapped back to reality. I couldn’t just let it go. I’d get in one last word telling him he was full of bovine scat, not in terms quite that polite. He laughed deeply with sheer delight at my response and hugged me just a little tighter.

By song’s end, my world was rocked. Stunned, I didn’t know what to do or say. BF was signaling by the door that it was time to leave. VST asked if he might have my phone number. Having a business card in my skirt pocket, I shoved it his way, as I said Good Night, and rushed towards BF. We made our princess escape in one of two white Porsche’s in the parking lot that night. I was relieved. It was over and I had survived. Thank Goodness.

To Be Continued….

How We Met – Part 2

On the other side of the same town, life was overflowing with activities all my own. As the single mother of two little boys, my days were busy from morning until night. 30 years of age, I’d decided that after one marriage failed, I’d choose single for the rest of my life. After all, I had a complete set of dishes, my own house, kids, and car.

At my parents insistence, a college degree was completed, for which I am eternally grateful. I’d never seen myself as a professional working woman, but rather a stay at home mom. For some years, that had worked. But, with the devastation of my own divorce, it was necessary to bring in money to run my household.

With that need, I started a little business all my own. I was a Domestic Diva of the best kind, with no job being too small or too big. I had two clients that provided my bread and butter. One was a lovely, childless elderly couple. They needed someone to help with many daily tasks which they were too old or wealthy to do themselves. For them, I worked three mornings a week. The other was a well established professional who needed a wife’s organizational skills. His left him due to infidelity, so I was hired to show up daily and arrange the details of his crazy life.

The rest of my days were back-filled with weekly clients needing this or that. From wedding centerpieces to weekly cleaning, I found jobs that needed doing and I did them for hire. Referring to my paychecks as DUSTY MONEY, I bought a new car and a tumble down house. Those days were not only packed with insane schedules, but, with love and laughter. The boys and I created our own little world.

A very busy beauty, I never realized I was attractive. I hadn’t time to even glance at a mirror during those long days. With all the activity, I was in great shape, being spunky and trim at 5’5″. Sometimes cleaning three houses a day, the activity of my life kept me in tip top shape. My heart was a lonely place, but I didn’t have time to sit and ponder this. By the my head hit the pillow at night, I was fast asleep.

Divorce had left me devastated emotionally and financially. Trust escaped me, as the people who should have been trustworthy weren’t. As a farm girl of the 70’s, professions were limited. Women were just entering the work force, with nursing and teaching two good options. These choices requiring additional schooling, current skills were put to good use, while I made a pretty decent living.

Weekends were saved for rest and time with my boys. When the boys went for visitations with their father, I had a little time for myself. Being particular in how it was spent, I often went out to dinner with CC or just enjoyed the quiet. Life was busy and good. Was I using my brain in the way my parents had hoped? No. But, when life throws lemons your way, make a margarita. I found employment that gave me mom time, working well for my little family.

Of all the friends in my life, one I’ve known the longest. We met as toddlers in her driveway. I remember our mothers, just young women themselves, introducing us. Her blonde curls, high in pony tails, fascinated me. My hair was the exact opposite, stubbornly straight and strong willed. I loved her curls immediately, and she soon became my bestie, attending school together from K – 12.

One August day, Bestie Friend, phoned with news she found to be the most exciting.

“September 5th. D & D Ranch. $25.00 pp. 1972-1973 High School Reuinion. Dinner and Barn Dance. Country Western Theme. YeeHaa!”

Imagine the flutter in my heart. NOT. My mind raced through the reasons why this would not be happening. Central Valley Heat. Outside. Bugs. Mosquitos. Boring. Too expensive. Country Western Music. Too tired. Not my thing. Just a no.

Girl speak followed. I agreed that I would go with Bestie Friend. I wouldn’t go happily. I would need to spend my limited Dusty Money funds on a new outfit, shoes included. I didn’t want to go. I was sure it would be lost hours of my life I could never get back. I grumbled. I mumbled. I shopped. I bought angry red high heels to wear on my feet. A sign to anyone looking that I was an explosive hot mess. I would go for Bestie Friend. Enough said.

Now, the very weirdness of this entire situation must be explained. If you read yesterday’s blog, you remember PA. PA had gone to school with Bestie Friend and I, K-12. He was annoying. A boy. An annoying boy. A neighbor boy. So, all four of us knew each other, but had not maintained a close friendship through the years after school ended. We were all planning to attend the reunion, two of us not knowing how our lives would change within just a few weeks.

And so, the days went by, until September 5th arrived. And with that I leave you to ponder just what might happen next.

To be continued………..

How We Met – Part 1

Every great love story has a “How We Met”. The romantic little story that describes the very moment you just knew you’d finally met your person. The beginning of forever, for however long forever lasts on Earth. Ours is a love story for the ages, although it didn’t start that way. Long, long ago, we were just a boy and a girl. Some would say adults with children of their own. But as hearts go, young, we were wounded, and fragile . Surrounded by thick boundaries of emotional barbed wire and “Do Not Enter” signs, loneliness lived at the core. Longing to be heard and loved, neither of us would admit that at the time.

In 1987, VST was 33, and I was 30. I’ll start with his story first, because it flows out of my fingertips to the page a little easier than my own.

VST was a lot of things in 1987. He was a shop foreman at his job, teaching other diesel mechanics analytical thinking skills to perform their best on the job. Complicated doesn’t even begin to describe a master mechanic’s job. The kind of guy you want working on YOUR tractor is the one that can hear sounds missed by others, while diagnosing trouble by the tension on a bolt. The guy that sits back and thinks about the workings of a particular system in a tractor while finding the cause before ever removing a bolt. This was VST. He was the guy farmers asked for. Begged for. Because along with that, he was a manly man great guy. No longer spending days working under tractors, he did troubleshooting on intricate repairs while soothing the most cantankerous farmers. Being a farm boy from the area, there was a good chance he’d played football with them or their sons. VST could easily turn an angry farmer into someone laughing about a big win at a championship game years before. He solved problems, seeing them as opportunities.

Divorce had come knocking leaving him alone in a brand new house. He’d chosen the lot and model, and watched the build. During this process, there were frequent visits to the site, the construction under his watchful eye. Cracked studs were replaced before drywall went up. Every potential code violation, identified before the next step could take place. Eventually, with a 30-Something house-warming party, he moved in. VST had NO intentions of marrying again. He had his very own life and children with whom he cherished weekends filled with laughter. His parents watched as he slowly put his life back together, the handsome bachelor he was.

Fate has it ways. Across the street, in this very quiet little neighborhood, another handsome bachelor was making his home. A sexy, handsome bachelor with ties to VST’s past. High school friend, PA. Racey, nasty, sweet talking, scotch guzzling cattle baron PA, who’d stop shoveling real poop long ago. Now, a professional bachelor, he knew all the tricks of the trade. A Porsche driving, tanning-bed bronzed, flirtatious, real life, neon cowboy, riding the bars until close. PA dealt in women and lines. Club lines. Pick up lines. Sleek lines of very long legs in very high heels. Lines forming at his front door, leading right to his bed. Lines drawn when hearts got too close. Lines not to be crossed. Women’s “Do Not Cross” lines, which he always did. That was PA. Being short at 5’9″, he was easily lost in the crowd. VST, standing at 6’1 had the dimples and charm going, but in no way had the cunning and calculating personality of PA.

Across the street lived VST. Barely 33. 6’1. 194 lbs. Tanned. Salt and peppered hair under tints of dye, due to some vanity issues. Perfect smile, adorned with a dimple on the right. Manly eyebrows that could be raised independently adding to his quirky and quick sense of humor. Soft, hazel eyes were adorned with long soft lashes. His gaze was quickly averted from anyone wanting to linger a bit too long. Inside this man, sadness, loneliness, and anger were strewn about like discarded clothes after a night not remembered. No woman would be allowed past the windows of his soul ever again.

VST was physically fit. Daily, he would jog 5-6 miles, work a full day, and then ride his bicycle another 8 miles to see his parents finishing his routine with ride back home. He was health conscious, watching his BMI. Wide, broad feet supported the athlete he was. Strong and muscular, he worked hard, and played harder. He had goals and plans for his life, with no woman ever devastating him again. He’d no desire to have more children, because he had three of his own. You get the picture. His life was set. High octane schedule, brilliant visions for the future. Alone. 33 years and a few months. The world was at his feet.

VST and PA had attended the same high school. PA wasn’t a jock, but actually a short kid that hadn’t found bachelorhood as a handsome guy, yet. VST was a football playing guy who was sweet and quiet. Still sporting a baby face, he wasn’t like some football players, who played the girls, too. He was a genuinely nice guy. I know this because we were friends, too. He was mature, taking responsibilities for his own car and jobs after school. PA and VST didn’t really run in the same circle, but knew all the same people. They both loved school, and kept many friendships after leaving their Alma Mater in 1972. I stayed another year.

So, when VST and PA, on the same day, while both getting their mail at the same moment, both received an invitation to their 15 year HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, they met in the street. September 5th. D & D Ranch. $25.00 pp. 1972-1973 High School Reunion. Dinner and Barn Dance. Country Western Theme. YeeHaa!!

Guy speak followed.

“Hmm. You going?”

“Hmm. Yeah. You?”

“Hmm. Yeah. “

Fate and luck had made these two guys neighbors. On that particular afternoon, as lawn sprinklers hissed around them, they shared a cold one, laughing about life. Two handsome men, enjoying a summer’s day, while every woman on the street had an urge to water the front yard, immediately. Little did VST know, his life was about to change.

To be continued…..

Looking Back From Where I Stand

Sweet Lady Dye and I shared some time together yesterday. She’s been a source of information about my new town, and someone I enjoy visiting with once every five weeks. Lady Dye is a beautiful gal, inside and out. Whenever she speaks of important matters, it is evident that she is kind and gracious, surrounding herself with thoughts of goodness and light. She has a true smile, while exuding optimism in her outlook on life.

During our visit yesterday, she shared the experience of a sudden and devastating holiday loss. While listening to the events leading to a tragic ending, I was transported back to my experience with VST. I thought nine weeks of an illness was very quick. Lady Dye’s person lost her husband in just days. I was reminded of how fortunate we were to have VST with us until he took his last breath. Lovingly comforted by those he trusted, he slept, surrounded by the familiarity of Dunmovin.

During Covid, families are separated from their loved ones who are hospitalized alone. Medical staff have become adopted family members, giving company and a gentle touch to those dying from this wicked illness. Our medical heroes have yet another role to play. Not a task they volunteered for, but one they are brave enough to assume. Caregivers to our loved ones dying.

Covid stripped this new widow of the comfort of children and friends, just as it had for me. Grieving in the age of pandemic isn’t something for the faint of heart. At a time when you need hugs from every angle, there are few. When you need friendly faces smiling at you and telling you everything is going to be okay, they are covered in masks, with only the gentleness of eyes looking on. Separation when you most need togetherness. It’s a cruelty that we, as Covid Widows, are experiencing in real time.

Covid has robbed us of the healing aspects of funerals, memorials, or celebrations of life. Reduced in size and intimacy, it has erased the ability to grieve together and feel for one last time a sense of community while saying Good Bye. Many special family members and friends couldn’t attend VST’s service. Dangers of infection to health compromised individuals increased making the risk too great. Although technology helped us bring family together, it wasn’t the same as being together one last time.

So now, another widow sits alone wondering what happened. How did it happen so quickly? Why was her spouse the one chosen? When will things return to normal? Answers found in unique ways as the journey of widowhood begins, those questions still run through my head on occasion. Slowly, an acceptance has come that some answers are not for us to know.

Blogging from this the 10th Month of widowhood, I turn back and offer a hand and a prayer to this newest grieving gardener. She will uncover unique and personal answers on her journey. I offer a listening ear and a hand in friendship. She’s invited to join me in the garden. We can exchange thoughts and ponder ideas from a new point of view, while remembering the hardest of days traveling alone. Thinking back, new and interesting commonalities may be found outside of widowhood. Just like that, a new friendship formed.

If I’ve learned one thing, it’s a very lonely place to be, even when surrounded by the people you love the most. Leading lady, center stage in a very sad play, you’re all lone, not being sure of the lines that come next. New widows, look for the hand that is reaching for yours. Enjoy the warm touch of someone willing to sit with you for a little while. Each day will be better. Not the same, but not quite as sad, as we make our way together towards spring.

Dreamy Memories

Delicious visions during dreamy memories of VST visited me this morning, long before normal people recall anything. Working on a book to be released later this year, I’ve been playing with the pages in my head. Moving words. Choosing phrases. Grouping thoughts. Selecting the best parts of VST and me to include. Those that I want Great-Great-Great Granddaughters to read and grow to understand how VST loved EJ. Slowly the sweetest mental image to formed.

An unusual man lived in the heart of VST. A guy that would make movie goers swoon. VST had the heart of a cowboy, although he had no use for horses. A private detective, always looking out for the bad guy. A Rambo, in the swamps of life, ready to defend his heart, family, and life, itself. A “Charlie” (2 1/2 Men), always charming the gals. A Tom Selleck, being irresistible and down to earth with his deep voice and southern drawl. A MacGyver, always knowing how to fix anything. And VST, best of all, because he was a man not written about yet.

In my memories, VST isn’t one age, because, he never grew old or stale. Whether captain-ing our house boat, or redesigning our little cabin in the woods. Whether laughing on the porch with his mom and dad, or that boy standing at the end of the aisle I walked down so long ago. One after the other, the memories flash through, and I smile at how lucky I am to have shared them with him.

During life, VST was a husband, a father, a diesel mechanic, a manager, an executive, a business owner, a farmer, a designer, a builder, a landscaper, a mason, a roofer, a tax man, a government executive, a doctor of psychology, an investor, a house flipper, a retiree, an RV-er, and more things not remembered at this moment. He changed hats many times during his day, but wore no hat when he was just my VST. I could set the clock by his arrival home, with his voice calling my name to find out my location and activity. Through 33 years, there was never a doubt I was his girl. The one. His true person. And he mine.

Those were all things he did, but his essence was that which was rich, endearing, and unique. That which captured and captivated my heart. Beneath all the things that made him a manly man, (which I prefer), there was this unique individual with whom I shared life. If I used my senses to describe him, it would be as follows.

Visually, VST was stunningly handsome from birth to death. 6’1. Brown Hair. Hazel eyes. The biggest head ever, yet in balance with his body. Muscular arms and legs, with a long torso in between. A cowboy boot fan throughout his life, he later turned to Sketchers with jeans and tee-shirts, unless, he needed to put on the tuxedo that still hangs in my closet. He was a clothes horse, always dressing correctly for any situation. He turned heads, this not lost on me. He turned mine, too, and I never tired of admiring him.

VST sounded like bass drums and tubas. The kind of sound that rumbles in your gut. His presence was known, as he was not light on his feet. When he entered a room, heads turned to find him by sound. Dry humor and wit always followed his laughter, as he delighted in catching me in my blonde moments. Sometimes he was thoughtful when reminiscing, like Willie Nelson, and other times, playful like Bob Wills. When VST was silent, his thoughts marched on, reflected in a variety of expressions. VST was always heard. He made sure of that.

VST’s hands felt like strength, warmth, and hard work. Paralysis had rendered one almost useless, but it could still hold mine. Those hands never lost the calluses caused by hammers, pry bars, wrenches, and lumber. Psoriasis chiseled away at his vanity, covering every part of him except his face. His arms were strong enough to hold huge timbers at the cabin, but also, tender enough to hold the newest grand babes, just hours old. VST hugged just tight enough and long enough. I felt safety as we went through life. I felt improved in our union of two very smart people possessing double the ammunition to take on the world. I miss feeling his presence next to me as I fall off to sleep.

VST smelled like home to my heart. When we met, he exuded young, handsome guy scent wearing Polo cologne. But as the years past, there were times he smelled like drying raisins, other times like powdery cement. He smelled like Irish Spring and M&M’s. He smelled like Run and Coke and Coal Tar Ointment. Like fine Chardonnay. Like hard work before a long shower. Like dress up night at a ball. Like hot stage lights in rickety old theater.

Thinking back to the morning he left, there are so many things I wish I’d have planned better. The truth is, the unthinkable was happening before me eyes. As he lay, withered to skin and bones, I knew heaven was his reality. Widowhood mine. Stunned, as I watched, he slipped away so easily. But then, he would have, quickly figuring out a path and exiting. There was no time to plan a romantic Good Bye that would have played well at the end of a beautiful movie. He went and I was left.

Quietly, in the minutes before I rise to blog, I’m blessed to have memories of such a man. His loss has not gone quietly into the night. It wakes me at odd hours. It makes me cry on occasion, for the silliest things. It brings out the irrational side of me at times. It scares me and always will. All these memories also make me strong as nails. I had someone that was a brilliant and perfect match to me. My person. The one I am lucky to have known the best. And that is a dreamy memory.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

January 10th!!! Month 10 is still new! Bundled in my fleece jammies with wool slippers on my feet, I remember fall and the lovely weather. The leaves rustling in brilliant color. Mustangs, standing on every hill, looking for water and food. Walks at any time of day, pleasantly breezy and warm. I also remember how much I feared this first winter alone. As it turns out, this winter is where I find my first book. It’s where I find myself cocooning and liking the quiet solitude. It’s where I find I am my own best company. Another surprise of widowhood firsts.

This month I find out what I’m made of, as it’s our anniversary month. January 23rd will memorialize, 33 years ago the day that VST and I exchanged vows in front of family and friends. Auntie God Mom, Uncle Cool Guy, and CC were there, “with bells on”. Not sure where that phrase actually originated. Getting dressed up as a girl, if we were attending a fancy event, everyone would go “with bells on”, yet I never saw one bell. Quite sure CC is shaking her head, because she definitely never wore a bell in her life. Now, Auntie God Mom is another story.

That morning, there was no way that I, as a beautiful young woman of 31, could have known how that day would drive my life through our forever. VST was devastatingly handsome. That was a given. His intelligence and forethought in every aspect of life took us on the best adventures, while I added Sagittarian optimism, spunk, and fun. We were a power couple that didn’t know we were while being too busy planning goals and living out each day.

Respect was a cornerstone for our relationship. I respected his core values and the essence of who he was. I received that respect in return. We argued, pouted, plotted, and did all the normal couple things while in disagreement, but, we never crossed the line into disrespect. Those issues we battled remained sacred, shared only between us. Neither of us were the type that included friends and family into our issues. Those were privately handled with respect. Some of our finest hours as two.

When I look at the world today, the lack of simple respect is astounding. Everyone insistent that their way is the only way, and that way will be how things will go. Somewhere respect and discussions about differences have been lost. Something that costs nothing but the time needed to count to 10, breathe deeply, and listen to one another. How simple. A prayer for respect in the world would be helpful.

January 8, I released 9 balloons, beautiful in their brilliant colors. As I released them, four got caught in one of my bare trees. I thought of many things at it happened. I know VST didn’t want to leave me, the kids, or any of his friends. He wasn’t ready to be whisked away by cancer. The tree at that moment represented cancer, holding VST’s brilliance in its clutches. But, the four fragile balloons struggled to get free and rise heavenward. They did one by one. It was so beautiful to see them finally disappear into the beautiful blue desert sky, one by one. He is free. He made it on that cold spring morning right before Easter. Respectfully, and with such great love, I let him go.

I respect all the things VST taught me. So many things, it would be impossible to list them all. From things about the workings of a toilet to tax information. From the hundreds of uses for duct tape when farming to unique and crazy dance steps only VST could pull off as his dimples charmed me. But most of all, I’ve learned that respect is a corner stone for any new relationship formed in my life. With that foundation, anything is possible and worth keeping a lifetime.

I miss you VST. Enjoy your 10th month in heaven.

New Interests!

Covid times. Boring times. Sad times. Isolated times. All true. But, also times when our brains can finally slow to a pace in which we find new outlets for creativity. 2021 is the year of publishing for me. This is not a “Maybe”. Not a “We’ll see.” This is a scheduled event now, in which my calendar holds dates and goals to be reached. As VST said always, “The unaimed arrow never misses.” Target goals are set.

For this year, I plan to finish my trilogy. Lofty goal, but, I have hours in a day to complete this. Much more valuable using time in this manner, rather than losing minutes to mindless television, or worse, wretched news. VST always had a television on. Some kind of noise was needed, even to sleep. I find the sound of silence so refreshing. There’s never a perfectly silent time. Always little noises around coming from life as it happens. I love days when the television remains off.

At this point in life, I have so many blessings. I am relatively young. Attractive, some say. Intelligent. Smart. Inquisitive. Energetic. Creative. Compile a list about the things you are. Every choice must be positive. You will find, you are things all your own! Just ripe for finding a new interest.

I hadn’t given webinars any thought at all, until I received a random email. Each webinar is about an hour long with a professional speaking about a topic specific to publishing. I signed up for all they have to offer. I’ve watched three so far. Amazingly, they aren’t advertisements, as one would expect, but instead, valuable information on self publishing books. One of the authors had a great point. If you are smart enough to write a book, you are also smart enough to publish it online. That is now my affirming statement.

So, think of something to investigate! Something out of the box! New! Courageously bold! Begin by researching it for 15 minutes on the computer. It could be anything from attending free Harvard seminars, to becoming a TED speaker. Learning how to cook French Cuisine. Learning more about the Bible. Training you dog. Just choose one thing and start to investigate.

I knew nothing about blogging when I started. I just did. Found a free site, with a free template, and in very short order, I was up and writing. Healing and happiness have flowed out of my fingers into cyberspace. For that and for you, my readers, I am eternally grateful. I won’t keep you any longer. You need to find that new interest. It will give you a new look on life. So, go. Have fun today!

Treasures in the Drawer — 9 Months Gone

Boredom is the true sign of a weak and a lazy mind. Auntie God Mom always reminds me of that. We agree on so many topics. There is always something one can do to fill an empty day. On my summers breaks from teaching, I could easily stay at home for a week at a time. Never move the car. Never even take a walk off our property, while just making a home while being a homemaker. I love having a neat and organized space in which to cocoon.

In the 90’s, I knew an elderly woman who taught me tips about cleanliness and organization I hold dear today. She was the Queen of Clean. At any rate, she once explained to me that she never saved cards. Beautiful cards from family who lived far away. Read and tossed. Sentimental cards from her husband of 60+ years. Read. Smile. Toss. An old habit it was of hers. I’d never seen anyone so adamant about this. One day, I asked her reason, needing to know why she was this way. In her very sage and wise way, she answered.

“Joy, someday Bill will be gone. The last thing I want to find is a lovely card from him reminding me of the very moment he gave it to me and the hugs we shared on that occasion. I love Bill’s cards and he knows that. But, to keep them is like keeping a drawer of grenades. There may come a day they’ll leave me in an explosion of tears.”

Over time, I reflected on her words while deciding my own position on cards. About ten years ago, I finally decided there was some truth to what she said, and started disposing of them. She was right. As long as everyone was above ground, it was easy to smile at their beauty and then give them the Heave Ho. I was pretty thorough, or so I thought.

Yesterday, while finding things to do to pass the day, I noticed the drawers in my nightstand needed de-cluttering and so I began. Spare change. Old eye glasses. Things in that needed to go out. Pens and pencils that had migrated from my desk. All the usual suspects. Quietly, under a flashlight, a measuring tape, and three books, the grenades waited. Ready to make me explode into a flood of tears were two cards.

The first one read as follows.

“Happy Birthday to my Wife, Who has sensational charm, A dazzling wit, A fun-loving nature, A smile that won’t quit, Incredible passion, A gleam in her eye…And a husband who knows he is one lucky guy.” Love you, VST. Thank you for such a good 32 years. (Hallmark Cares) Two little bears were on the card in a variety of cute poses, just as little bears on cards often are. It’d been more than a year since I’d seen this, being given on my 2020 birthday.

Well, that one was hard. But, the next one was even more so, written on our Anniversary last year.

“What do I mean when I say I love you? I mean I’d do anything for you. I mean I’m in this for keeps. I mean your funny and smart and beautiful to me. I mean I love you. That’s what I mean. Happy Anniversary.” (Hallmark)

Sweet enough in luscious, heavy cream stock with roses on the front. But what he wrote himself blindsided me.

“Thanks for the best 32 years of my life. Love, VST”

In his shakiest, sweetest, left-handed writing, his words and sentiment alone were precious. Just like that, he could have been in the kitchen bringing me a bottle of water. I find myself wondering how nine months could have passed since he died. He just wrote this for me. He just held me as we shared a kiss and I told him “Thank you”. He was just here. But, JUST is nine months ago today.

Having time to think about this experience, I have no advice for or against saving cards. I know these two are the most precious things I could have found while cleaning out a nightstand drawer. Cards that have rested there waiting for me to find them. A message to remind me how lucky I was to have a man that knew how lucky he was to have me. Yes, VST. Absolutely the best 32 years of my life, too. Thanks, VST. Happy 9th Month in heaven. Tell everyone Hello for me. I miss you.

Texting

In this brave new world, one of the saddest things lost is the telephone conversation. Remembering the days of corded phones, life needed to stop while we chatted with a new love or best friend. Drama or gossip, it was delicious and shared over the phone. The cord kept us grounded. Tethered. Conversations had a beginning, a middle, and an end. How many times we would wait for the phone to ring. How many times would we cry when it didn’t. So much drama existed around the phone, life and death included.

When our children were home, life on the farm was hopping. On weekends when I cooked for seven, the kitchen was a busy place around meal times. I would always have Best-ies checking in to see what weekend activities were planned. It was for those multi-tasking moments that I purchased a 20′ phone cord. It was great for allowing me a working range from stove to sink. From cooking to washing dishes. There I was tethered to the wall, yet able to move around the room. Those were days and conversations I wish I could have all over again.

Now, phones are an obnoxious necessity. Every phone should contain I.C.E. contacts, in case an emergency strikes. Phones capture our every activity in selfies. They know our locations in case of danger. They hold our daily calendars. Entertain us or our kids. All hold the all important TEXT messages. And we can still receive an occasional phone call.

When texting was new, VST thought I’d made up the word “texted”. Each time, he’d correct me, saying one should say, “I sent a text message,” or “I typed a message.” After years, he finally accepted that texting and texted were words.

The last text received from him was on March 30th, days before he died. We had spent the morning in Reno with T and K, getting a liver biopsy and paracentesis. Not a fun morning at all. He was sore, tired, and needed a rest when we got back home. I needed to take K to see WINTERPAST one more time as I continued with the purchase. So, K and I left him in the care of T, his son.

His last message to me read, “Where are you?” Looking at that message now, I wish I’d have just taken a nap with him. Held him a little longer. Not let him wake to find me missing. At that point, he depended on me for everything, and my absence was upsetting to his state of mind. His question was honest and heart felt, as we were always together. 24/7. That’s the way we rolled. Two-for-one. His message remains a haunting reminder of the question I ask often of him now. “Where are you?”

Texts should never be used for anything significant. Not for long dissertations about troubling things. About sadness or anger. They should never be a substitute for being there, or at least talking by phone. Sharing important feelings is one thing that sets relationships apart from random interactions. That’s the part that artificial intelligence just can’t get right. Words on a screen are not the correct way to handle the most important parts of life.

When I’m in “Barbie’s Jeep” driving, there are 10 choices of predetermined answers. From “Okay” to “I’m running late” with eight choices in between. That’s really what texts should be for. A little message that you are on your way, or may be late. Not a way to be “present” while you are really busy doing other things.

If you are lucky enough to have family and friends close, please call them the old fashioned way. Let them know you love hearing their voices. Listen for laughter as they delight in your call. Let them share audible tears with you if you need to cry. Be human, and talk. Distracted driving is something we should avoid. Distracted interactions is another. Pick up the phone and call. You won’t regret it.

Celebrating Ourselves!

Reflecting back on the holidays, I’ve taken notes of what worked and what was an utter failure. Being alone failed. Not going to happen again, with a cruise for the 2021 holiday season booked and waiting. Yahoo!! Monthly words and gifts representing VST and I were a huge success. About this, I share.

Each month, a focus word was chosen that we personified. Anyone that knew us would have agreed words like Adventure, Friendship, Ever Lasting Love, or Aloha were great descriptors. During the holidays, choosing Rejoice was perfect, as I rejoiced in the beauty of having VST as my mate for 32 years. For the first 6 months, I purchased a Christmas present reflecting each word. Something tangible that I could open and hug Christmas Eve. This was ultimately a great idea, as these were the six presents I had to open this year. Although he had been gone 8 months Christmas Eve, the need to buy a present the last two months wasn’t there. I stopped buying gifts at Month 6.

Ordering things each month, two were personalized. A blanket with special words organized in jigsawed fashion, and a personalized book. Both came gift wrapped, so there was no peaking for months until Christmas came. Both made me cry in a good way.

The blanket, although not the quality I would have liked, is a beautiful thing in which to cocoon myself on chilly evenings. Navy blue and white with fleece backing, it had words and phrases about us. January 23, 1988. VST loves EJ. Oliver. Things about our lives. My favorite. “Home is where you are, Darlin”. I chose the words carefully, turning them into something beautiful.

The book was an entirely different surprise altogether. I’d looked on a site that promised a personalized hard bound book for someone you love. I entered very little information, including our names, gender, and color of hair for each of us. Just a few little details. Never did I expect to get the book that was delivered. As I read this little story, it was about us, as if VST had written it for me. I’ve only been able to read it once, so far, on Christmas Eve. How it managed to reflect our lives together is a mystery to me. Maybe artificial intelligence located in my new fridge???? Spies listening? At any rate, it was perfect for me. With each gift, I enclosed a little card to myself reflecting on important things I should remember. What he WOULD have told me if only he COULD. Those were the right things to read on my very sweet first Christmas Eve all alone.

Happiness was represented by another cute gift. I bought a Giant Sunflower tire cover for my Jeep Wrangler. VST always called the Jeep “Barbie’s Jeep”. Although he did the driving, we bought the Jeep for me, never dreaming I would be the sole driver just one year later. The sunflower will represent me as I drive along new roads, having fun doing it. I haven’t seen one on the road yet, so, my ride will be individualized. Just one great big sunflower, my favorite.

Deep in Widow’s Fog I was during Month 1 – Food, Shelter, Clothing. Always finding myself cold, I was in need of was a new sweater, my old ones becoming threadbare. The sweater came from Amish country. Four ply cashmere, black, thick, and beautiful. When wearing it, I’ll get a special “First Month Gone” hug from VST. He loved supplying cashmere to warm his forever-cold wife. Thoughtful in the sweetest ways was he.

For Adventure, a framed selfie of my first solo Lake Tahoe Cruise in August now sits on the book shelf. When looking at that picture in Lake Tahoe frame, it takes me back to the drive up the mountain that day. I felt so free and adventurous. It’s a mini vacation every time I look at it.

Faith, is spelled a metal sign. Simply, Faith. It hangs with two beautiful pictures K had framed for me. One of VST by a pristine Sierra Lake, and the other of the sunrise on the morning he left us, while we had him still. The sky was cloud-filled, colored the deepest oranges and purples, at the time of day I love the most. K caught that, keeping it for us as a memory and reminder that Faith is all we have in life.

So, it’s January. If you’re a person that doesn’t start things unless you can do it for the entire year, start now. Choose a January word. You have time. Write about it. Put up signs around your house to remind you. Write it with erasable pen on your bathroom mirror. But, most importantly, wrap your heart with it, like a warm blanket. When things get tough, it’ll help you stand tall and remember the person you lost in the best way ever. A hug from them. A hug to yourself. A beautiful way to remember we must celebrate ourselves!

Joyful Mornings, Silent Nights

I love the morning in a ridiculous way. At 4:45 AM, my eyes spring open, and I am first thankful that a new dawn is about to break. A daily miracle, it comes so quietly that at first it isn’t even noticed. Slowly, our eyes can see more and more of the outside world. Finally the day is born at sunrise, bright and shiny new. Strength is found in knowing many things positive and life affirming will occur and wait to be acknowledged.

Being a true morning person has had an affect on relationships from time to time. There are those in which the day can’t possibly start before 10 AM. There might be a stirring, or temporary wakefulness, but dreams again take over and sleep resumes. When I was a working teacher, I would love Saturdays in which I might have the luxury of sleeping in a little bit later. But, with farm chores those days didn’t come often. As a retired couple in the RV, the day was half over by 10 AM, with hundreds miles in the rear view mirror. Those arriving early at the next destination got the best spots. There would always be time to rest in the late afternoon before dinner. Through the years, morning routines were reinforced over and over.

Wondering what happens late in the night, I may try staying up past 8PM sometime. I wonder if the magic of the stars can persuade me to flip my internal clock. What different people would I meet and find common interests? Would they understand my views on life? Would they understand me at all? What activities does one undertake at 10 PM? What stores are open if you happen to need a bolt or washer for a DYI project at 9:45PM? Lighting is terrible at night. Things lurk in the shadows ready to pop out and grab you. The toads come out to eat my lawn at night, while the owls ask “Who”? All these things are so much easier when slept through.

I find that my nights are perfect for winding down the jitters of the day. Breathing in and out, anxious fears quiet as I find comfort in dreams. Darkness is a time for privacy, while listening to Oliver make soft puppy sounds in dreamland as he sleeps. I find comfort in hearing the distant train rumble through my little town, whistling at the crossroads to warn night travelers. The wind sings a lullaby, as I listen carefully to the weather the night brings. Even snow has the ability to muffle sounds of the night, making its presence known. Far away, other morning people prepare to end their days, as well. Ending our early shift, and letting others carry on through the dark hours.

Whatever type of person you are, try flipping for a day or two. See what programming catches your interest on television. Go for a walk and see the changed rhythm of the neighborhood. Venture out in the car, seeing what you might have missed. For me, morning will forever be my true love. Beautiful, egg and bacon, orange juice mornings. Sprinklers hissing, garbage trucks rattling, and the day rolling on towards noon. I love mornings. Have a great one.

Time is Precious

Some days are made for remembering. Yesterday was one of those days. Through emails and planning, I was expecting visitors at 10:00 am. I was not prepared to meet the cutest couple I have met in a very long time. I shall call them The Lovelies. The best descriptive name of two people sweet and dearly in love.

I remember being the couple people would gaze at and smile. VST and I had that. Mrs. Lovely was the daughter of the previous owner of WINTERPAST. The two had been married a little longer than VST and I, and made a striking couple. Handsome and beautiful, they complimented one other. A stunning couple.

When they entered WINTERPAST, I was relieved that they approved of how I am caring for the place. It was obvious that this was a place of the happiest of memories and events. I could almost hear the children wrestling on the lawn outside as they told of family gatherings and how much their parents had loved the home. They shared their emotional ties, like bows placed here and there, with stories about times when they were the ones who’s hearts WINTERPAST held.

What they couldn’t know is that those memories opened a window into what I want to experience here. Parties, visiting neighbors, and life long friendships. WINTERPAST holds the promise of those for me.

As I watched this couple I was reminded that time is fleeting. Just last year, VST with his tool belt of wizardry, was reinventing a laundry room for me and building a closet. Thinking back, it would have been time well spent if we would have gone for a walk, or spent a few more minutes holding each other. We were always so busy, forgetting to take an extra few minutes to cuddle in front of a movie, or talk about our secrets late into the night. What I would give for one more evening with him.

The Lovelies are daily readers, and for them, the blog came to life. Oliver was his 2.5 year old puppy self. Crazy and wild with excitement, he had new victims to pull in with his green eyes. This dog has a personality that consumes anyone that meets him. They fell victim to his overwhelming cuteness and wiggles.

Showing the house to them gave me a chance to see it through new eyes, again. I marvel at how all my things magically appeared in the right spaces and spots. Of course, I was the one that decorated, but, it still amazes me at how my things fit perfectly here in this new nest of mine.

Sharing almond poppy seed bread (Krusteaz–bake it 5 minutes less than the box says–so darn delicious), and coffee, a new friendship was formed as I watched them experience the house again. Like taking in fresh air, I’m sure memories of everyone they loved filled their heads as they sat in a new, very old and familiar space.

Beautiful doesn’t even begin to explain our visit or them. I hope that the memory of being back at WINTERPAST comforts them as they think loved ones that sit with VST now, watching over us. I know this beautiful couple already has the secret. Time slips away far too fast. Embrace dreams, but more importantly, embrace each other. Take time. Talk. Snuggle. Enjoy the essence of something so brilliantly beautiful. Make memories as fast as you can. You will never regret doing that.

Yes. The Lovelies came knocking yesterday. What a treat to meet them. I hope they come back soon.

Widows

Over the holiday, I shared delightful hours speaking with Webster Girl. She entered my life for a second important time, emailing me the day after VST died. Without any idea tragedy unfolding, she invited me to a Zoom meeting with teaching sisters I hadn’t seen for years. None of them had any idea what we’d been doing, or that VST was even sick. After first meeting in the Spring of 1998, we became teaching friends of the best kind. She is funny, kind, and wickedly funny. I love her.

WG entered Widow’s Wilderness about 8 months before I did. Sadly, we share this alone, none of our teaching friends joining this club yet. Both alone on New Year’s Eve, there was time to talk about the two men we love so much.

One thing agreed upon was this. While surely experiencing devastating losses, unless it’s a spouse, others haven’t experienced a few key situations. Wanting to understand, they remember back to the loss of a grandparent, mother, father, or sibling. A child. A best friend. All totally devastating and life changing in ways that leave the soul crying for one last, “Before you go…..”

The loss of a spouse takes this to another level, entirely. With this loss, one grieves without the person who’d best know how to provide comfort. Know what to say in the right way. Know how to bring out a smile during the darkest of times. Know what food to prepare or what to say during tearful nights. The very person that would just know. Plain and simple. That’s the person that’s gone. A widow’s everything.

VST and I were fortunate we didn’t have dreams of “We’ll do that when…”s. So often we would see couples on their last big adventures, unable to fully enjoy the experience because they waited too long. We promised each other that would never be us, and it wasn’t. VST and I made adventures a priority. For that, I’m so thankful, while accepting there would’ve never been enough tomorrows. Luckily, no regrets.

For many widows, their best years were just starting. Beginning retirements. Settling into a new home. Getting everything set to start enjoying the good life. Just when good things were beginning, they were robbed by death. How cruel when the person, whose company you enjoy the most, vanishes. When your other half dissolves into a poof of memories. Cheated out of “What we could have done’s.” Not fair, but certainly LIFE at its most real and raw.

WG and I discussed how all the physical parts of our homes immediately returned to normal after death. Hospice equipment. Gone. Nurses calling 3-4 x a day. Gone. Furniture. All moved back into place. The space that cradled our guys. Empty air. All happening on the very day they died, underscoring the unbelievable fact that they’d gone. With the house back to normal, we looked on as the heart insisted it never happened, while the mind absorbed the facts, and the eyes became a storm of tears. Even after a long illness, the shock of absence is overwhelming. With a fast and untimely death, it’s almost incomprehensible for new widow.

By second annual holidays, people forget that it is ONLY the 2nd holiday without. There are continuing patches of wilderness with the darkness cold and trees thick. WG just went through this 2nd year, with unexpected experiences. People forget this loss, not meaning to. Another year has past. They wonder why the blues have come to visit again, not quite understanding, they’ll never entirely go away.

Time, family, and friends have helped WG and I. We were able to discuss and laugh about many things, un-laugh-able months before. We shared memories of things to painful to discuss just months prior. Dreams we are making for ourselves and how they will be realized. We’re two women that have become stronger in our journeys through Widows Wilderness together.

Whatever the loss that’s devastated you, I wish for you a friend like WG who knows the darkness of losing a mate, while finding her way remembering things cherished and wonderful. Make sure your friend likes to laugh. It’s healthy. Off you go. One foot in front of the other, while taking another widow’s hand. It’ll make the journey much easier.

Resolutions

Already 1/2/2021, I realize in the action packed frenzy that was my New Year Day, I forgot something important and essential. Resolutions. In this complicated world, we can’t plan for everything, but goals for life have served me well. VST would remind me often of the old saying, “The unaimed arrow never misses.” With that thought, these are the ten top goals I embrace starting off the new year.

  1. Healthy Eating. For me, this includes what I eat, as well as when. Being single, meals can be whenever I choose. Breakfast is simple, being built into my routine. It’s the other two that need more structure. With a sugar and flour free diet, my body is the happiest. Carbs are limited to 20 grams a day, which leaves plenty of room for veggies and occasional fruits. Christmas was a diet free zone, but Christmas is over now. Back to reality.
  2. Exercise. Living in a neighborhood with beautiful paved streets and limited traffic, I have no excuse to avoid walking. With a high concentration of retired Seniors, the neighborhood is quiet and inviting. The blue skies and white puffy clouds are the perfect place to prewrite upcoming blogs in my brain as I walk along. Oliver loves this resolution and plans to join me. Couldn’t ask for a better walking partner than him.
  3. Budget More Effectively. The disaster of 2020 with all the life changes for me was a very expensive one. On the best day, moving into a new home is expensive. My move was no exception. Winterpast expenses are at a minimum now. This year, I need to plan more carefully for the uncertain days ahead.
  4. Learn Something New. Publishing! My new interest. How different from the 1900’s. It is possible to publish all on my own, with tools readily available on the internet. With time available and a brain in my head, there is no reason I can’t do this. Five free webinars with the most popular online DYI publishing site are scheduled. I will choose a seat up front and take lots of notes. 2021. Book published. As an aside, I plan to take up watercolor painting this year, too. Don’t forget your creative side.
  5. Read More. Return to reading! I can’t wait. Without reading, I never would have run across the beautiful story about WINTERPAST and thus, named my home. Reading transports me to places and times I want to visit. A favorite past time of mine, I plan to do more.
  6. Develop New Friendships. I plan to explore my new neighborhood starting on my street. I want to know the names of each family that lives here, and be the kind of neighbor they can call on. Springtime is a great time to meet new people as I complete my front yard project. I’m lucky to live in a neighborhood full of friends I haven’t met yet.
  7. See Old Friends. I plan to be a house-guest this year. From northern Washington to the Central Coast of California, I plan to visit people I haven’t seen in way too long. Time is fleeting. I need to gas up and get going.
  8. Get Rid of Excess Baggage. Take that however you like. Physical suitcases? Emotional baggage? Junk in the cupboards? This year is the year of the purge. You never know when it will be time to downsize again. I’ll be ready. My service group holds a big yard sale every year and I’ll be donating in a big way. Blogging will help me rid my brain of unnecessary clutter as I share my life with my faithful readers.
  9. Be a Tourist. I live in a tourist area. People come from all over the world to see the mustangs, the Icthyosaur, a marine animal whose bones rest in the mountains of Nevada. Ghost towns. Rock fields. Top Gun. The grand Sierras. I plan to be a tourist this year, getting to know all the wonderful places that are within a short drive of me.
  10. Live Every Moment. No matter the success of keeping 1-9, I will keep #10. Last year taught me that we all have an unknown expiration date. Age matters not, each one of us has limited time. I refuse to wait for things to happen. Days will be of my own creation and liking. I intend to explode out of bed at dark thirty every morning to write. Because, WRITING IS LIFE! So, let’s LIVE.

Resolve to make your own resolutions!!!!! Make your target Success. With arrows in our quiver and goals in our heads, we can’t miss.

Dear 2021

You were born at the stroke of midnight!!! We love you already, so please don’t be shy. There’s no way we will accept the possibility that you’ll be as bad as that other year gone. Just by being you, are are already the star of the hour. We closed the books on 2020, the disgusting train-wreck it was. You hold our tomorrows for the next 365 days.

I greet you with open arms. This year is going to hold so many firsts for me. It will hold a healing for the world. I just feel it. For this, we are all breathlessly waiting. I’m excited for my yard to come to life for the second time since I met Winterpast. With a hot tub being delivered in only weeks, the yard will hold new life and fun! Oliver and I plan to have many adventures together this new year as we forge our own new path.

Every day, I choose happiness, health, and hope. There’s always something on the horizon that can become a focal point for positively. I reach for those things and smile, sprinkling fun to my life any way possible. From silly, mindless giggles to well thought out activities, my life will include much more fun this year.

2021 will be the year that I complete my first year as a widow. With everything that was, April 8th will arrive, and time will run right over it, while I remember, as twelve beautiful balloons soar on that day. Before then, I will celebrate my first anniversary without VST on January 23rd. Hard to know how the day will unfold, so I’ll plan a good one. By choice, we will smile in unison, me from here, VST from there. So much goodness to remember and celebrate on this the 33rd year of our marriage. I hope he saves a dance for me.

This year the Vernal Equinox, Summer Solstice, Autumnal Equinox and Winter Solstice will come and go. Each one will hold magical properties, as we again find our holiday traditions and celebrate. We’ll still find things to grumble about, as we force our way out of isolation. The sun will never feel so grand on our skin as when we all join hands to rejoice together. It’s happening in 2021. Find your play clothes and come on out!!!!

2021, you make me giddy as I greet you. I write your name over and over. Such a beautiful number, not like 2020. 2021. Counting on from a nightmare into beauty. So, WELCOME! We want you. We love you already. We celebrate you. Don’t let us down!!!!

The Other Side

Well, here we are. New Year’s Eve morning! A day we’ve been waiting for, as this year keeps knocking us back while we struggle and trudge ahead. It amazes me that when talking to people about this year, almost no one has a glowing report. It’s been a difficult one of tears and loss for so many. I long for something positive when I turn to televised news. As that hasn’t happened in months, I stopped tuning in. Funny thing, I’ve felt better ever since.

For those of you robbed of your loved ones, I send my love and prayers. Disease and death will find us all, although untimely death seems all the more cruel. On this side, I find comfort in accepting that I didn’t cause Cancer to take VST. I didn’t have any way to stop it. I do have the strength to carry on.

April 7th was the blackest of days for me. The inevitable was coming, the hour unknown. A deep sleep had come to VST and evaded me. With thoughts of the other side, I prayed his journey would be swift. Prayers answered, he went home on the 8th. I was left on this side of that huge chasm to figure things out until it’s my turn.

On the other side they wait for us, those that crossed before. A sea of energy and light, radiant happiness and peace. A place with no pain of a sprained ankle or lonely days in Covid isolation. A place that is so inspirational and quieting, I wait patiently and celebrate another year.

On this side of the New Year, I plan to ring out the old with plans for the future. Ideas, new and fresh, spring to my mind. 365 days as a widow will be finished, with memories saved in a new book. Winterpast will flourish with her leafings and blooms, while the bird families come back to build nests in my trees. Next Christmas and New Year’s will be spent cruising under the Golden Gate bridge towards Hawaii, with reservations already in place. Life will jump over midnight tonight into 12:01 tomorrow morning, landing on the other side.

Today is a day I’ll watch our favorite movie, “When Harry Met Sally”. No matter how many times we watched it together, it never got old. It represents us in so many ways. Then, it will be on to “An Affair to Remember”. All while enjoying Chinese food from a restaurant here in town. Oliver and I will probably be asleep way before the stroke of midnight, up to write on the first day of the new year, 2021.

2021. Even the name of the year counts on. Through the loneliest of widow’s wilderness I counted my steps, one after the other, helping me to this spot. We must go on to brighter days, while looking around and realizing the space we are in now is beautiful, all on its own.

Tomorrow, I’ll meet you on the other side. I’ll have more to share. See you then.

Dear 2020,

You’ve been a wretched beast. There, I’ve said it. What everyone is saying behind your back. We’re all secretly hoping you’ll fade into the night without any parting shots, because, you were the worst year any of us can remember. Of course, if you were the year of new love or life, then, for that, we thank you. But otherwise, it’s time to slam the door on you, the year of disasters.

Personally, I’ve been surprised at the strengths I’ve found throughout your days. I’ve needed them to contend with the horrible events you held. Everyone would probably agree, Covid was the worst, but I have one more devastatingly personal. You were the year in which I lost VST. For that, I’ll never forgive you. You presented so many challenges for me which would’ve come during any year he died. But it wasn’t any year. It was 2020. The year cancer came knocking.

You were the year Virginia City let me go, while holding VST ransom. Living on the mountain was a private adventure only VST and I would understand. One of deep blue skies and white puffy clouds. One of train whistles and cool, crisp summer nights. Of stars so close you could reach out and touch them. Of migrating seagulls putting on a winged ballet just for me one lazy deck-morning. Of SEVERE blizzards. Announced by clip clopping hooves on A Street, wild mustangs coming to graze under my porch. An escape for two from a California we no longer knew, to the wild west we learned to love. Yes, wild she was, that VC.

You were the year I started to drive again in my “Barbie Jeep”, as VST always called it. The year of getting lost in Reno, and learning my way in Tahoe. You were the year of my own pleasure drives to Bridgeport, Hawthorne, Pahrump, and all the little places in between. You were the year in which I tearfully relinquished title of our RV, “White Knight”, sending it away to find new owners, with wheels rolling off toward Florida, the place WE would have visited next.

I learned that I have choices while guiding my own life. In 2020, I needed to step up and chart my own course while you bucked many of my choices. Through fire and smoke, you robbed people of their homes. Stolen livelihoods were lost through lock-downs and closures. People masked. Business gasped. But through all this, families chose to come closer. We grew stronger during your horrors. We found ways to laugh in your face, the wicked year you were.

With months of forced isolation, healthy choices became a staple in my house. Now, when decisions seem unclear, the question I ask is this. “Is this a healthy choice for me?” It’s helped me make many good choices this year, in spite of those that might’ve been fun or tasted good at the time. The best choice I’ve made so far is to live in happiness, mindful and present. With the New Year so close, this is hard to do. We all want to jump from your clutches into next week. We won’t miss you, not one little bit.

You brought dating into my life. Mr. Mud Duck, though gone, will never be forgotten, after saving my life over dinner and making many days better than he could’ve ever known. MFP has come into my life as a friendly movie date. With that being said, I’m still the only person that knows exactly what kind of date I like best. I’ve found a new appreciation for time spent alone that’s valuable, productive, and entertaining. I comfort my bruised soul while knowing there’re worse things than being single. With angels watching over me, although widowed, I’m never alone. Faith is a wonderful escort.

You held some of the most wonderful Acts of Kindness I’ve ever experienced. Through tragedy, family and friends came to me in ways I would’ve never expected. The love and support shown from total strangers to the closest relatives has been overwhelming. Doctors and nurses showered VST and I with love during his short illness and our shorter Good Bye. Without even knowing us, they made the unthinkable something we got through, even if not the most gracefully. Hospice and the Funeral Director helped me with the worst decisions in my life. During the sale of Dunmovin and the purchase of WINTERPAST, beautiful realtors went beyond anything their job required. All my New-Town friends are chosen family now. For all of you, my heart overflows with gratefulness for your support and love. 2020, you couldn’t rob me of all those wonderful deeds.

On Thursday night, I’ll be celebrating. Totally!!! I’ll wait until Midnight and scream into the star-filled sky. For a moment, there’ll be world wide happiness when you’re gone. Not a tear shed. Racing on to 2021, which will be better than you, if only because it is NOT you.

If I was forced to say nice things about you, I suppose I could think of a few. For the briefest of moments, I’ll cling tightly for one last miserable hug, because you’re the year in which I still had VST before I became a widow. You’re the year in which I learned so many great things about my strengths. You’re the year I embraced my life as an author. Your’re the year in which I met all my new friends in my new town. You’re the year in which WINTERPAST came to me, holding me in my grief. You brought me Ninja Neighbor and Miss Firecracker. You’re the year in which I finally got a lawn on which to play in the leaves. You’re the year I chose happiness over despair. You’re the year of newfound womanhood.

So, 2020, we’ll let you hang around a few hours more. Don’t gloat on the handful of niceties I threw your way. You were a horrible beast. A monster accompanying us on grueling trek through a very dry desert of heartache. You robbed us of almost everything. But. You didn’t take our Faith, Love, Hopes, and Dreams. To those we hold tight. Bye, Felicia. We have better things than you to think about. Hurry 2021, we’re waiting.

Ready or Not

“Things that you held high and told yourself are true,

Lost or changing as the days come down to you.” (Joni Mitchell, Court and Spark)

Life is interesting. If I’ve learned nothing else in 2020, it’s that we are given, each day, a new chance to live our best life. One can fret endlessly about getting everything just right. Like everyone, I do that. Often. The problem seems to be that “just right” for today might end up being “terribly wrong” for tomorrow. With all the planning and hand wringing that results, the moment NOW gets messed up. At least in 2020, my own brave new world.

Until widowhood leaves you totally alone, you can’t comprehend a wilderness vast and overflowing with painful beauty. One “Happy New Year” ago, my present reality was unforeseen. I couldn’t have imagined and written the last year on my best day. Through flames and devastation, my new life now is emerging like tempered steel, wonderful and rich with new friends in my new town. Some parts are missed, as I journey further away from my old life. New house, new routines, new everything, all chosen by me in this different world I’m creating. My old life died April 8th in a horrific and fiery crash. Little of the old survived physically, but everything survived in my heart, left in a heap to sort and ponder.

As I write every day, these hours are a time that I wallow through unopened file cabinets of memories, regrets, wishes, and what-ifs. I discard things no longer true in my life, and refold and keep those things so precious they have been woven into my heart for safe keeping. Through 32 years, it is often hard to separate what was him or me. The us that’s now me kept in cherished memories, I move on to write a new story, mine alone.

It’s a very weird thing to live alone for the first time after 64 years. The most wonderful things can happen when you live by yourself. Everything selected for one, making life easier, but rather lonely. A multitude of options present themselves for my choosing. As days have gone by, there are times when my heart races thinking of the expanse of the universe and my insignificance in it. Dark fright sends tendrils from deep places within, the terror being palpable. Overwhelmed, I breathe deeply and write from the point of view of one little old blogger woman sitting at her computer, while fear is soothed away, and my superwoman spirit again shines through. I will never know the impact of my words on a reader in Moldova or Hungary, or the importance to those sleepless in Seattle, reading me because the night is a scary place to find rest. But the fear-conquering impact they have on me is amazing.

Writing is a release of the real parts of me censored for way too long. If uncomfortable to read, don’t for the day. I’m writing as I heal my heart. I find that if something I write makes me cry, it’s very good medicine. By publishing it, I grow. My readers are listening to a healing heart that got banged up pretty badly this year. Rather like going to visit someone in the hospital that needs a friend while mending, you listen. For this, I can never thank you, my readers, enough.

Will I ever forget VST? Not in a million tomorrows. Not even when the sun sets on my life for the last time. For to forget him would be to lose memories and love spanning 50 years. Anyone who believes that could or should happen just doesn’t understand what we had, and what I lost. Nothing can change the fact that VST died. Away from the horrors of that experience I’m moving further every day, carefully redesigning the life I want for myself now. As for this moment in time, I’ve only myself to consider.

Am I ready to move into a new relationship? That is for my heart and head to agree on. I’m an intelligent, strong, and courageous woman capable of choosing a safe place in which to entrust my heart. No life instructions came to me on April 8th. For guidance, I have found faith in God to be my North Star. With a few pretty special angels up there watching over me, I’m in good counsel, with the ultimate earthly choices being mine alone.

As the new year begins, there’ll be less blogs focused on my loss, and more blogs focusing on discoveries and growth. 2021 is going to be a stellar year because the entire world is hoping, praying, and demanding it to be. We’ll all do our best to find our new normal, as this world keeps spinning and the days carry us on. I’m ready for new pages. VST and I had a wonderful run at life. The next part is mine to write. I’m so ready.

Writing From the Heart

How could you? Oh, Noooo! You Shouldn’t! Not that! Are you crazy?

So many voices I’ve allowed to quiet words I’ve wanted to say over the years. Of my own doing and for a good many years, I gave up my writer’s voice in the name of privacy, decorum, or just to keep the peace. I’m so glad that voice is here and can be silenced no longer. Writing, in spite of judgments personified or of my own personal doing, is helping me heal.

From an early age, I knew, WRITING IS LIFE. In 2016, an astute 5th grader started a term paper with that line. She got an A. Writing IS certainly my life. Throughout my years, words have been there when there was no one else.

Six months of the saddest time in my life occurred in 1977, while living in Tiraspol, Moldavia on a honeymoon disaster. My first marriage involved a job in the USSR, his employ not mine. I went as the lucky Plus One at 21 years of age. I found myself alone, sans translator, 14-16 hours a day, in a place where language was a mystery. Even the alphabet betrayed me, being Cyrillic. Lacking daily conversations with another human being, no English television, no random billboards to read, no words, my mind starved during those months. Exiled and imprisoned, I devoured novels brought from home. Completing one book a day provided a silent stream of words. They painted vivid pictures while I found comfort in the strength from the text as mine waned.

During my marriage to VST, my interests turned to other things. Important things requiring time and patience. Raising Children. Farming through disastrous weather. Injuries. Teaching. Travels. Life just kept coming while I never carved out quiet time for writing. My own self care I neglected for years..

These days, I write throughout the day, every day. Topics and projects are an endless choice. The stories have been waiting patiently for their day to be told in the proper way. Russia. Marriage. Divorce. Children. Farming. Students. The hospital. Angels. The one that got away. The ones pushed away. These tales are lined up, waiting to come to life. And so, I write.

It started with an inspiration from a strange place. Vlad, an old, new friend, found routine in publishing daily, without fail, like clockwork. Publishing daily since 2015, this came first, while other aspects of life remained tattered and in disarray. Topic research, chosen words and a voice came alive daily, without fail. While life was literally flaming around his feet, with computer in hand publishing was priority, every day. So admirable. Just like that, I realized I had the discipline to share my words, as well. With that, September 24 delivered my first post. Through the days that followed, I’ve enjoyed experimenting with thoughts, memories, and writing. I dream of my first book in 2021, as Oliver lounges by my feet, and Winterpast holds us both, warm and secure.

Through months of widowhood, writing has encouraged me to bravely explore a space so dark and sad it had the potential to crush dreams and end hope. A true test of faith, it could have fanned a bitter soul. It could have blinded me from seeing the beauty surrounding me now. My words stopped that from happening. As they vented the truths I lived through, remembering some kinder than they were, fires burst on my computer screen, flared and went out. Like a fantastic controlled burn. Months later, words are healing me still. My super power is writing. For that, there is no kryptonite, except “a weak and a lazy mind”. I assure you, my mind is neither.

If you’ve ever, in your quietest thoughts, mused about writing, buy a journal today. Pencils and pens. And just begin. Writing IS life!

Mindfulness in a Crazy World

My musing for the day is focused on mindfulness and how it has changed my outlook on life. Retirement has its benefits. One of them is allowing the retiree the time to become mindful at an age when the beauty of it is recognized and appreciated. To be mindful, one needs to live in the moment and be aware. There is a time and place for everything. I was certainly not mindful while doing my banking today and projecting my thoughts to Tax Day 2021. But, throughout a normal day, a mindful nature can bring you a relaxed happy heart.

Yesterday was one of those days. I baked Almond Poppy Seed Muffins for the first time in years. I’m a carb addict. I’ll start on Keto again January 2, still many days away. So, yesterday, I baked. Oh My. For me, any kitchen activities are a true test of focusing on the moment. We all know the difficulties of cooking for one, so luckily, my culinary adventures these days are few and far between. “Take Out” or “Eat In” are such lovely options.

As the muffins cooked, I thought of Miss Firecracker, the perfect person with whom to share them. With a phone call and resounding, “YES”, I was off to her home. Miss Firecracker is a friend that feels like the best kind of warm hug. She is witty and delightful, sensitive and thoughtful. She is wise with opinions that are well thought out and shared carefully. She’s a favorite friend with whom to spend time. We talk about everything, from the boring to the racy. It matters not, because there we are sharing away. There’s always laughter involved.

Now, we share widowhood. Strange it was that Bailey’s and Cream and VST weren’t booming their voices on the back patio. Those two admired each other, always having conversations interesting and intense. Both brilliant men, they kept each other on their toes, intimidating each other as they went. But, now, just two chick-a-dees chatter away. We weren’t especially mindful as we visited, looking back to remember our guys, so glad to be with someone that remembered them too.

Later in the day, Webster Girl and I meandered through valleys and peaks of widowhood and our new lives via telephone. We collided one day, long ago and late in a distant century. We were both attending a Weight Watchers meeting. Both elementary teachers, her career was a raging success, mine was in its infancy. At the 6 Am meeting, my noisy school lanyard hung around my neck, heavy with school keys and shiny, metal whistle. Webster Girl caught my attention, and after the meeting, our friendship sparked. With a little wizardry on our parts, my next school year found me teaching with her at a school that grew to be my home, with teachers that grew into a strong sisterhood.

After many years of losing touch, she came back into my life the day after VST had died. A random invitation to a Zoom meeting appeared in my emails from my teaching sisters. Having no idea they were a lifeline to their drowning friend, they were having a Zoom meeting to get everyone together again. Just a random email on my first full day as a widow. Over ten years had passed since I had seen or heard from these buddies, but time stood still at that beautiful Zoom meeting. They were all there, just like we had always been around our lunch table. Webster Girl found me that day, newly lost in the wilderness, and I don’t plan to lose her ever again.

The rest of the day was mindful and lazy. I’m so lucky to have Oliver to fill in the spaces of my otherwise quiet life. He came to live with me two years ago, on the snowiest of Christmases in the parking lot of a casino. His birth family lived two hours west, so it was a good place to meet. I had no way of knowing this little dog would help with mindfulness. Anyone who has raised a very active puppy knows that to be anything less than mindful leads to accidents and damage of one kind or another. Now, he has grown into his big clunky feet and deep soulful eyes. Oliver knows EVERYTHING. He lived through it all. Glad he has no thumbs, or he might start typing his story.

Why would I write about the past in a blog about mindfulness, you might wonder. Because through those chance meetings in random places, I came to be. Mindfulness brings me to the present, with a grateful heart for all the goodness in my life. A collection of beautiful events along the way, be they exhilarating, devastating, or somewhere in between. The beauty is found sitting quietly and smiling at how they helped me choose my path. Mindfulness in the darkest hours of night is the best for me. Without visual stimulation, my mind is free to count every blessing and be grateful for all the people I have in my life. From friends, to family, to experiences that continue to be so rich. I am the luckiest woman. Mindfulness will give you focus through your journey, wherever you roam.

O Holy Night

by Placide Cappeau in 1843, translated by John Sullivan Dwight in 1847

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining

It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth

Long lay the world in sin and error pining

‘Til He appears and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees; O hear the Angel voices!

O night devine, O night when Christ was born

O night, O Holy night, O night divine!

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand

So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming

Here come the Wise Men from Orient land

The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger

In all our trials born to be our friend

He knows our needs, to our weakness is no stranger

Behold your King; before Him lowly bend

Behold your King; before Him lowly bend

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His Gospel is Peace

Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother

And in His name, all oppression shall cease

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we

Let all within us Praise His Holy name

Christ is the Lord; O praise His name forever!

His power and glory evermore proclaim

His power and glory evermore proclaim.

Merry Christmas Everyone!! I will be back tomorrow!!!! Have a wonderful day!!!

Joy

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

By Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light

From now on

Our troubles will be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Make the Yule-tide gay

From now on

Our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore

Faithful friends who are dear to us

Gather near to us once more

Through the years we all we be together

If the fates allow

Hang a shining star upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Joy

A Merry Little Christmas to You

‘Twas two nights before Christmas, when all through the home,

With a sprained ankle, I sure couldn’t roam.

One stocking was hung by the chimney with care,

Sewn by me, when two small boys were still there.

Oliver was nestled all safe in his crate,

Dreaming of how doggie treats would taste great.

Old movie and me, my ankle raised high,

Had just settled in for needed sleep in the night.

When my cell phone did light and ding with chatter,

From my Bestie, CC, “Now what was the matter?”

I told her through words I would be okay,

She promised to check in the very next day.

With the Christmas Star shining, what could make me so blue?

If you’ve been reading, I don’t need to bore you.

Again, movie my focus, pain in the foot,

The cell phone complained. Now where was it put?

Daughter was checking in, so far away.

She knows how to read me and just what to say.

“Things will be brighter, just remember the good.

Sleep well, and the ankle will heal as it should.”

Hope, Faith and Trust, I depend on tonight.

Santa is great, but these three do delight

A soul that is weary, battered, and blue.

I hope for tomorrow, and have Faith anew.

When the phone complained again, just once more for good measure.

A new friend checked in, one that I treasure.

Company tomorrow? Dinner brought for Miss Lazy?

“Can you check tomorrow?”

Wait……..

What???????

Am I crazy?

This AM after sleeping, I’m not so grumpy

Not feeling so blue and down in the dumpy.

Today will be one last to get Christmas right.

With Hope, Faith and Love, my spirits take flight.

Down with sadness, self pity, and blues,

Up with Carols, good food, and friendships true.

Up CC, Up Miss Firecracker, both of you know,

When troubled about life, to you I go.

Up Daughter, TJ, and Cambria Goddess, too,

What would I do without my Christmas angels, You????

Smiling, I’ll enjoy our dinner tonight,

Christmas Eve and Day will be just right.

So Dash Away, Dash Away, Dash Away all,

Off to the grocery store, down to the mall.

Finish the wrapping with ribbons and bows,

With love for each other, happiness grows.

I send you this, My Christmas wish true,

Merry Christmas, Dear Friends, with love to you.

*Thank you for reading and helping me through my first Christmas as a widow. Your steady love, friendship, and prayers are helping me grow stronger every day. Merry Christmas!

Don’ Trip on the Dog Bed

The simplest of errors can cause one to have a restless night with a very swollen ankle. My advice for the day. Don’t trip on the dog bed. Here is the entire story, with all the details included for prying minds.

After having breakfast and a lovely morning, I was planning to get dressed and have one more run at Christmas shopping and food gathering for the next few days. Simple as that. With the purchase of the new couch, I’d moved everything around in my living room, but hadn’t bookmarked their new places in my memory banks. The dog bed was in a high traffic area, and I made note of this, but hadn’t moved it.

Into this mix, add the fact that I have Size 11 feet that are always getting jumbled up and waiting to trip me. Even on my best days, I’ve always been a clumsy mess. With VST at my side, he more than once saved me from terrible falls. I’m in awe of anyone that can actually do a sport, as that is way out of my ability. Let’s have a writing contest, and I’m in. But, a game of anything that involves movement of the body involves injury for me. It’s a given.

So, yesterday, I tripped on the dog bed and came down in a very unflattering fashion heaped on the floor on top of my poor ankle. It made terrible noises as this happened. Then, there was silence and pain. Immediate. Oliver enjoys private time in his crate after we write. He’s still a puppy and into things he shouldn’t be. So, he enjoys Puppy Time Out while I fix my breakfast and get ready for the day. Slowly, I inched my way to his crate, in which he was rather frantic at seeing Mom-Oh on the ground. Together, we thought about the situation for a bit, while assessing the damage.

No blood. Good. No protruding bones. Good. Foot in same snake-like shape. Good. Pain. Not good. If foot moved…more pain. Really not good.

After minutes of thinking of a plan, I contacted Daughter, who said I should wrap the ankle to prevent more swelling. I took Advil– maximum dose. Immediately started ice and elevation, (continued throughout the day and night). Miss Firecracker flew into action and ran to the drugstore, delivering an Ace Bandage, the cutest Santa, a box of cookies, and a Get Well card. The best friend in need, is a friend in deed.

For the rest of the week, I’ll be watching old movies with this swollen ankle elevated and on ice. I’m able to hobble around to take care of the necessities. Oliver is watching over me and had a talk with me last night about the placement of the dog bed and retention of such information. He also gave me lots of kisses and is making sure I’m not too lonely. He assures me that if I had to have a Super Power, he prefers writing.

I hope everyone remains upright. Don’t trip over anything. In this Christmas season, things are often moved from their usual places. Keep an eye out for trip-able objects. Have fun planning for the next two days. Stay warm and happy. Love to you all.

Winter Solstice

Thank goodness the winter solstice is upon us. Today, there will be the fewest hours of daylight in 2020. With the year as it has unfolded, I’ll gladly turn in a few minutes earlier tonight to enjoy this, the shortest day of this annus horribilis. According to The Old Farmer’s Almanac, if you go outside at noon today and observe your shadow, you’ll l see that it’s the longest one you’ll cast all year. This year has cast shadows on all our lives in one way or another. A collective sigh of relief and prayers of hope from the world will be heard at midnight on New Year’s Eve 2020, because 2021 must be better than the year we are finishing.

As a gardener, I’ll be delighted that the daylight hours will slowly be lengthening now, as we move towards the Vernal equinox on March 20, 2021, in which day and night will be of equal length. I’m looking forward to the lengthening of days in which to split and transplant my thriving Irises. Peonies, resting their eyes right now, will break through the soil in the spring. My aged roses all need proper pruning as they sleep, for the best chance at gorgeous blooms next summer. Gardening provides respite from day to day worry-demons. It has given me hours to reflect on my life as it is and the direction in which I intend to go. Today, there are 90 days to organize our sheds, sharpen our tools, condition our soils, and order new seeds and bulbs for winter planting before spring arrives. I plan to use each one to the fullest.

With Christmas Eve on Thursday, my week will be carefully choreographed to avoid emotional pitfalls. This holiday season has been a tough one in many ways. The cruel chains of Covid Quarantine have been restrictive, keeping us from visiting family and friends. So, this week, I’m making a conscious and deliberate choice as to what the days will look like. I’ll be careful to add in nourishing meals and plenty of rest, while also adding time for fun.

I’ve been enjoying daily mail call, as I’m hearing from family and friends from near and far. I’ve forgotten how wonderful it is to receive Christmas cards and the beautiful wishes inside. They’ve been more meaningful this year than ever before. Everyone in my life has gone out of their way to shower me with their prayers and best wishes. What a blessing that has been, during this the year of the unthinkable.

As I plan my week, I’m going to be very honest about my wishes. I need extra quiet time for reflection. As I find myself on the path of healing, I’ll listen carefully to those that mention how happy I look, because that is the truth of the matter. Through personal growth this year, I’m discovering happiness deep from within as I trust my faith. My grieving process may be different from others. That’s okay. There is no handbook for how one gets through this wilderness. We all need to find the unique way that works best for us as individuals. That’s helped by respect from friends and family as we make our way, sometimes in rather clumsy fashion.

Enjoy the first day of winter and this Christmas week with its magic and wonder! If you are struggling, start to list all the things you are grateful for this year. Even in a year as bad as 2020, we are all blessed. We only need to start listing the ways.

Winter Morning AHA’s

I write my blogs at 5 am. I. Am. A. Morning. Person. My best work is before 6 am. Stellar ideas come to me at 3 am, sometimes nudging me to write them down in my ongoing and very private journal. I’ve always been a morning person. Perhaps that stemmed from the childhood joy of running out into the morning stillness on the farm to find newborn lambs sheltered by a protective ewe. Or, to grab a morning hug from a farmer dad that left the house very, very early. The need to irrigate 40 acres of thirsty vines before teaching school all day. The front row beauty of amazing sunrises on the Virginia City deck with our 100 mile view. First in line to say “Good Morning” to VST. For all those and a million reasons more, I’m up way before dawn.

On this early morning, some thoughts stirred in my awakening brain. Things important and vital for my ultimate happiness. Being this morning creature, I miss a morning creature that stirs the way I do. Coffee. Breakfast. Morning Channel 2 News. Planning for the day. I’ll never be a night owl. I struggle being an evening crow. Morning person all the way. I miss eye-gooped, bad-breathed, dream reviews with VST. I miss our routine. He was always the first to say, “Good Mornin, Darlin” in his sexy VST voice, chipper and happy. Every morning. Quick to start the pellet stove on frozen VC mornings without a complaint. That man never woke up with pickle face or wrong-side-of-the-bed-grumpies. If I did, he patiently waited for me to wake up. Ready to plan the day, he would often remind me , “We’ll have enough time to sleep when we’re dead”. I miss my morning guy.

This week, I got through the first birthday in 33 years in which there wasn’t a card written out to Mrs. H staring me in the face when I first woke. For as much as I hate birthdays, we had that one heartfelt tradition that died with him. I won’t ever celebrate my birthday again, even in that small way. The absence of that silliest act set the tone of loneliness for the remainder of my wakeful hours. Goodbye to acknowledging such a pointless day in my life, too many years ago to matter to me anymore. Celebrating Christmas is enough for me.

Next, a tomorrow full of dreams need to fill my future. Not anything extravagant. Travels through sunrise beauty in dust-shrouded places like Mina and Luning. Sneeze-and-you-miss-it-places like Buford, Wyoming, population 1. Plans to stand in the awe inspiring presence of Mount Rushmore, or again watch the lifted tails of angry bison. I’m starving for simple travels over hundreds of miles of conversation and wide open spaces. I promise myself I won’t die yearning for this. Oliver may need to practice his duties as Service Dog Wingman, but, one way or another, I will be traveling again.

I thrive on spontaneity. The hardest thing in the world is waiting to do something. Anything. Winterpast is a wonderful resting spot that is my beloved home. Now, I need to find a new rhythm of here and gone. VST and I had that. Always a trip planned. Miles on the road, the journey being the reason. There is romance supreme in heading out while looking over the horizon in the same direction. Sharing different visions, a mural of ideas is created. Projects we wanted to complete or destinations for future trips discussed. VST was my perfect travel partner. My heart longs for that again. Like trying to read a map and drive at the same time, traveling solo through life is so damn hard. Dangerous, too. One wrong turn and you can be upside down in a ditch.

This morning’s epiphanies made my heart smile. Like feeling something painful in your shoe, and discovering the tiniest fox tail embedded in your sock . You knew something hurt, until you found the simplest answer. Such obvious stressful points I can’t overlook.

1. I will never be a night owl. Not even an evening crow. Morning person all the way.

2. Hold those birthday candles.

3. Need to get on with it and plan my first adventure for 2021.

Those are my AHA’s. What are yours? Start with the small ones, the bigger ones will reveal themselves along the way.

Great Expectations

Holidays are so complicated. From the tangle of lights and boxes of Christmas decorations, to the more intricate parts of family life. Nuclear or extended. Biological or chosen. Lives are so busy, especially when little ones are involved. Work and normal life are now complicated by added bills and activities that extend normal day activities. Concerns about Covid and maintaining traditions loom over us all.

My house has been decorated since Thanksgiving. Being in a new place, it was necessary to again find new places for my favorite decorations. Some didn’t make the cut for one reason or another. Finally, I just couldn’t handle another emotional box of memories and decided the house looks just fine. Red and green pops of color cheerfully add a bit of zing to WINTERPAST (the name of my house), rather like blooms in the dead of winter.

Television commercials blast blended families of different ages and colors, all smiling and showing a Hollywood mix of smiles and laughter. Perfect people. Perfect food. Perfect dogs. Perfect packages. Perfectly romantic. I don’t know about you, but my first year as a widow is anything but. I have no great expectations that Santa is going to slide down my fake chimney and put the zing into Christmas morning. It’ll be just like any other morning around here. Oliver and I having our boring breakfasts, blogging, and deciding what to do with ourselves until nap time. Great expectations I have none.

What I do expect is to embrace peace these days before the 25th. Quiet reflection on the real reason this is such a special time of year. A time that many different religious groups choose to have their holiest of holidays, cherishing family and friends as they celebrate. I expect the scale will climb a few pounds, which I will deal with after the fact. I expect that the sadness in the pit of my stomach will be a little more pronounced for the next few days. I expect to be sad a little more than normal, the loss of VST stinging every time I see a Christmas decoration he gave me so long ago, or hear one of our favorite carols.

Great expectations will be on hold as far as gifts go. I plan to get Oliver a new bone, but please don’t tell him. He is expecting an entire bag of dog treats. Can’t do. He’s on a strict diet.

As for me, at the time of my choosing, I will open the gifts under the tree that represent my Widow Words. When VST died, I decided that each month would be represented by a word signifying our relationship. When I was unable to go on, I would focus on those words, rather like a Lamaze focal point used in natural childbirth. If it helped me birth a 10.5 lb. baby without drugs, it could sure help me get through the pain of losing VST. Just like that, they worked. At the end of each month, I purchased a Christmas gift representing the words, and wrote a letter to myself to go along with the gift. These are now under my tree. This was perhaps one of the nicest things I have ever done for myself. So, at a very quiet time when Ollie and I are ready, I will open the presents and letters, and have a very long, private cry.

My great expectation for this Christmas is that many painful memories can finally be put to rest, like melting snow after a storm. New traditions can be put in place, so that next year, when I open the boxes of decorations, sad memories of my first Christmas as a widow will be tempered with memories starring me as the Goddess of Christmas Now. I refuse to revisit Grieving-New-Widowhood, when I’ve worked so hard to heal from that point in my life. I have no great expectations. Just a wish for a quiet and lovely holiday season in which I continue to get stronger every day.

Luckiest Girls

Planning a full day of shopping, Miss Firecracker invited me to come along, but, I was returning from my mini-vacay after picking up Oliver from puppy camp. Oliver was wiped out, as he always is. I can only imagine the fun times he has with new furry friends as Sweet Michelle spoils him rotten. We decided the next best thing would be to meet at the TeePee for dinner.

Miss Firecracker finds it fascinating that I usually order a hamburger and fries. I love H and F’s. Not at home, because I can never get the buns grilled just right, or the patty yummy enough. I’m always looking for a restaurant that has just the right combination of fresh bun and perfectly cooked patty, with crispy fries. Not huge, not small, just the right size. The TeePee has just that burger, so that is my go to meal. Miss F finds this funny. I guess it is peculiar.

There is never a lack of subjects to cover when Miss F and I get together. We, too, have the most interesting things in common. Weird things that solidify the fact that we understand one another. Period. There are no boundaries when we’re in discussions. I’m pretty sure the patrons next to us enjoy interesting eavesdropping. Could be a chocking hazard at some points in our conversation. I noticed the waitress making several rounds past our table. I wonder how much she pieced together.

We share a friendship that involved camping trips with our guys. After you’ve camped with us, you quickly become honorary family members, because you know too much. You find out things sitting at a campfire that are delicious and real. Miss F and I have had those times, sharing great discussions with VST and B&C (Baily’s and Coffee). We were a fan club of four, with our visits never long enough. It seems a blessed coincidence, although truly tragic, that we now travel through widowhood together.

It was Miss F that sold me on the good things about my new town. She was correct in her recommendation for VST and me. At the time, we were all alive and kicking, planning lots of get-togethers, continuing on our path of friendship and fun times. With Covid, it was impossible to visit with them after I moved in without VST. It was unthinkable that B&C died in August before I had even received a Welcome-Home hug from him.

As we visited over dinner, our conversations went to places that only seasoned wives would understand or have experienced. Our experiences were similar in many ways. B&C and VST were two of the most intelligent men you could meet. They were both vainly sexy, working a room with a glance, being chick magnets until the day they died. But it was obvious they each had a chick-a-dee that held their heart in her own heart. The sun rose and set on us in the eyes of B&C and VST. Period. Of that, there was no denying.

They could and did DRIVE US NUTS. Miss F and I can talk about those things, because we are the only ones that have that right. Telling her things private takes me back to the fact that VST and I were normally joined in an extraordinary union that brought two dynamic individuals together. But. We were still just a normal couple with normal problems that others have endured. As similarities are discovered, Miss F and I giggle, laugh, and sometimes leak tears. It’s a sweet way to validate that we did share something wonderful that’s gone.

By the end of the meal, an important point was shared. Yes. We miss them. Greatly. Passionately. Sorrowfully. And yet. We move forward because we must. We have chosen to leave behind the wake of Kleenex boxes and grasp the friendship we have which allows us to share constructive grieving. We are the LUCKIEST GIRLS to have met up with these two guys in the 1900’s. We did things other women would only wish they could. Blush-worthy and outrageous things with extraordinary men that loved us deeply. Now being blessed with a rare friendship, we are finding our way through widowhood into womanhood as the new Goddesses we are becoming. For that, lucky doesn’t even begin to cover it.

*Thank you, Miss F. You are my lifeline. My raft. My friend. I love you. J

Lessons Learned

I am a true morning person. Prior to retirement, when my life was overflowing with “Musts”, I learned that by getting up by 4 am, I had two hours on most people in the world. Bonus time to squeeze more out of my days. There was still never enough time as VST and I danced as fast as we could. Two careers stole 10 hours a day, including commutes, but, that left 14 hours a day, in which to choose our activities. Deciding we could sleep when we were dead, many, many days were fueled on 5 hours or less sleep. Doubling our productivity, we lived enough for four lives instead of two.

Now, I still awaken at 4:45, ready to tackle the day. I’ve chosen to omit television from my life, which has cleared my head for much more creativity. In my experience, visual stimulus robs the brain of the ability to create magical places and things.

As a third grade teacher, story time was a reward for me. It was never included in scripted minutes to which teachers must now adhere. As I did for cursive, too, I shaved time off other subjects, because story time was something that my kids and I needed. Like air. After lunch, little bundles of sweaty happiness knew. They came to our reading carpet and got a story rock. While they sat to listen, the rock was to remain in their hand, not to be thrown at Sally or Rob. These were thinking rocks. Smooth and flat, they fit a small hand nicely and were to be manipulated as the story unfolded. During suspenseful times, the rocks moved between their little fingers. The bigger wiggles ceased, my students looked on. Not with a pure gaze, but with visualized words flashing before their eyes. The rocks were my educational strategy, long before spinner fidgets. Quieter and less distracting.

I had a favorite book, which became an annual read. “Because of Winn Dixie.” It was one that I read every single year because of the voices. They were in rich southern drawl, which I read in a very entertaining way. The kids ate it up. I loved reading it to them. Winn! Winn! The character, India Opal, hadn’t had the easiest life, living with her father, The Preacher. Her mom was absent, never even introduced to the story. The kids related to Opal. When I started reading the award winning book to them, it was brand new. Right off the press. No movies. No visuals. We created our own out of the words. Each of us would have known Opal on the street by individual ideas of her height, weight, hair length and smile. We knew her in our hearts.

After I had read the book many times, the worst of all things happened. Towards the end of my 3rd Grade adventures, when scripted lessons and minutes timed by the principal had robbed so many teachable moments, rich and joyful, “Because of Winn Dixie” became a movie. My class being legendary, new 3rd Graders came in knowing my “after lunch story time” was a priceless adventure for the mind. Everyone was giddy when I brought out the book. But, the saddest thing happened. Slowly, the rocks couldn’t work over whispered spoilers. Kids commented on the color of the actresses red hair, the size of the dog, or anything else Hollywood had dictated by visuals to be absolute. Just like that the magic was stolen. I never read that story to anyone again.

Most of my best stories are totally without visuals, forcing me to make sure I get the words just right to allow the reader to visualize what I’m describing. It would be so interesting to see the results you all come up with. It would certainly show me where I need to improve my descriptions. Even for stories I have told for years, my mental visualization changes over time. The stories mellow, or disappear because they no longer hold my interest. Others become stylized and cartoon-ish as I struggle to remember exact details, and create a bit of filler that suits the situation.

One of the most difficult situations for any story teller is when a co-participant in the story corrects your version. I’m sure that are many of you that are smiling if you’ve ever been interrupted by a spouse, just the wee bit jealous that they weren’t the one sharing the delicious tale. VST was the best at this. I would always take the bait. In this way, I suppose were were most entertaining as we bantered through. I miss his interruptions, as they validated that all the rich and precious memories I have did occur. With him. Over the last 50 years of life.

So many stories. So little time. Be sure to read to someone in your life at some time in your life. Reading a story and doing voices is not only wonderful for the person listening, but the person telling. It is especially wonderful in a classroom, with 20 sets of eyeballs watching their own visuals, while a teacher captivates them in southern drawl.

100 words

1900’s models, we met, divorced from past love. Hello, Old Friend. Will you? Yes! 32 years married. We coupled while happy, sad, inventive, supportive, argumentative, passionate, trusting, and honest. Best friends, we embraced our good sides and accepted our bad. We ran through life holding hands, grieving deeply at life’s losses while rejoicing success.

Gripping the trifecta of Health, Time, and Money while enjoying retirement, we skidded into Cancer’s grip, never seeing it coming.

Nine weeks in 2020. Sickness left skin, bones, and my broken heart as he snuck away into death’s final Forevermore.

I grieve alone.

*********************

I am always looking for new and unique ways to express myself. Some days, I experience minor writer‘s block, but, most days, my words are a conscious stream of energy that pours through my fingers in two hours or less, including editing. I enjoy the fact that the pieces come together as I visualize them, easily and effortlessly, once the topic and title are chosen. With that gift, I am blessed.

So, when I saw the challenge of explaining a relationship in 100 words, I decided to try it. Good writers need to limit words once in awhile to choose more descriptive phrases. The fewer words one has to work with, the more creativity is required to say things in just the right way.

Volumes would be needed to describe VST. Mr. Melon Head, as a dear friend referred to him, had a lot stored in his massive brain. He was a complicated man that took life seriously. A big, old softy. A ruthless business mind. Great judge of character. A man that loved deeply and completely. He was Dr. H to me on romantic cards we exchanged on holidays. I was Mrs. H. Forever, he will be VST, and to those closest, such as Auntie TJ, who gave him the name, he will forever be missed.

I challenge you to try writing about someone you love, using only 100 words. If you are writing with Word, you right click and a box will come up on the bottom of the screen. In that box is a counter, which will tell you how many words you have written. Very helpful to know. Have fun with a concise description of your loved one. 100 powerful words can say so much.

Fiddler on the Roof

To pass many lonely nights, I’ve been watching old movies. Funny. I think of one title and three more come to mind. These old friends have helped me fill evenings when I am too tired to read, but not tired enough to fall off to sleep.

Growing up in a house of five girls, spanning a bridge of 16 years from oldest to youngest, I was imprinted with music from many different decades. My mom’s music was added to the mix. She loved it all, having exposed all of us to musical notes and instruments. Church choir. School Choir. Piano, accordion, saxophone, guitar. We changed with the times. Musical trends and preferences became harder for my mom to accept as years went on. By the time I was falling in love with Joni or Crosby, Stills, and Nash, she was clutching her ears wondering where she had gone wrong.

One safe genre on which we could always agree was musicals. I could listen to them, over and over, watching the stage sets, photography, and costuming. Each time I watch again, I find something new that is strangely important and relevant. I can’t say that I have a favorite. I love them all. South Pacific. Oklahoma. West Side Story. Evita. Mama Mia. And my latest favorite, Come From Away.

Fiddler on the Roof. I remembering first hearing of this movie when I was in high school. My oldest sister and her husband, needing to escape from their small children, had gone out on a date night. The next morning, she called Mom, bubbling over about this amazing movie. Nothing else would do but that we all went to see it. At the time, I liked the songs about forbidden love. I saw myself as the young daughters trying to break deep traditions that would anchor them to a life outdated. At that very moment in time, I, too, was experiencing love forbidden by parental restraints. VST and I, sang the sad song, Anatevka, for a choral performance.

A few weeks ago, I watched Fiddler on the Roof for the first time in years. This time, when I watched it, something else was so evident. Love and family are all any of us have.

So many times, VST and I talked about life if one of us died. Always theoretical, of course. Cancer was not invited into our home. It broke the door down and stole VST, smashing dreams in its hateful wake. Destroying what could have continued to be. Stealing what could have come. Leaving a wake of destruction and quiet, as if three decades had not ever even happened.

Aside from my devastating loss due to cancer, 2020 has shown me that at any time, an invisible and deadly threat in the form of a microscopic virus could rob all of us of a way of life and traditions we hold dear. People who were our friends might be forced to behave differently than their heart desires. Places that had been comforting might become dangerous. Traditions that were loved might become banished. Life will become bleak, unless the love for family and friends prevails. With that love, all things are possible to endure. All things.

As I watched the story unfold, it had a richness and melancholy that I had not embraced or fully understood before. The same story, yet heard from a different point of view. Yes. Bleak. The outcome of their story we all know. The outcome of ours has yet to be written. The love of fathers for their daughters. Of husbands for the wives. The love for places dear. New love. Old love. Love, in the end, is what we have when the important parts of our lives are distilled, insignificant things falling away. With this love, new traditions replace old.

In this, a most beautiful season, connect with those you love to remember those we have lost. Through memories and stories told, it will help us journey through these tough times.

A Note.

A cyber shout out into the universe. Happy Birthday, Karen Bowser, a dear sweet Central Valley school friend and neighbor girl. 65!!! Who would have thought those two hotties swimming and going motorcycle riding with the bad boys on that summer day so long ago would turn 65?!?!?!?!?! Have a wonderful day, however you decide to spend it. I miss you and hope life is treating you well. Joy

If anyone happens to know Karen, please send her my birthday message. The universe has a way of delivering the best messages. J

Layering

I am forever cold. It could be 80 degrees outside, and I’ll find a way to be cold. The kind of bone chilling cold that is hard to recover from. This has been me since the beginning of time. With a resting temperature of 97.6, I’m wired just a little differently. How then, could I choose to live in a place where the temperature this morning is 28 with snow coming down? Love. I love it here. I also loved my life-mate husband who loved it here while suffering from crippling arthritis. Crazy? Yes. Friends KNEW we would retire in Hawaii. No. We chose layering.

Layering makes all things possible in all climates. You start with a basic black turtleneck and go from there. The possibilities are endless. Turtle, cashmere. Turtle, hoodie. Turtle, blazer. Turtle…..well, you get the idea. For the bottom half, add “Cuddl-Duds” and then, whatever is appropriate over that. Of course, in the desert, jeans are a Go To. If a skirt is what you’re looking for, (Skirts do not go well with desert life, but are cute), change out CD’s for tights. Good to go. Throw a heavy wool coat over the entire affair and I’m ready for the beach.

I’m discovering that layering is also an emotional tactic I’ve been using to protect me from widow-winds on my journey. Layers and layers of “Great”, “Wonderful”, “Just Fine”, and “Perfect” carry me through as people ask how things are going, but, really don’t want to know. Besides, how could they know unless they had been through this? Even then, each person experiences grief differently. Their own unique path and sadness are waiting for them. So, layering protects us all from this messy situation.

As I’m recovering, I find I don’t need those layers as much anymore. Any one of my true-blue heart friends can tell just by the tone of my voice that I’m having a tough day. Or that I have some delicious and funny story that needs telling. Or that I am so lonely I think my brain will explode with the stories trapped inside. They know. No matter how I attempt to dress things up in layers, the truth glares through an armhole or seam. I thank everyone who has noticed, and not mentioned it, rather like finding a hole in someone’s favorite cashmere and keeping it to yourself.

They don’t let me off the hook in all respects. When they smell Bovine Scat, they simply call me out on it. For that I thank you all so much. As a widow, we all know nothing is “Great”, “Wonderful”, “Perfect” or even “Just Fine” a lot of the time. Basically, as widows, we all need shirts that say, “Things suck right now. Thanks for asking.” But, as stated above, that shirt would be three layers down, in my case.

In my dealings with a new relationship, layers are tricky. Because a very easy question starts an unraveling to places that leave me thinking late into the night. Things come up that haven’t been thought of for years through harmless conversing with a new friend. Deep within, the tiniest unhealed emotional abscesses can be found, longing to be dealt with, once and for all.

When I write about VST and I, it is through a cloud of friendship, devotion, and love that spanned five decades. One half of a century. Imprinted through pictures in which we’re all smiles. Framed memories hold the best days front and center, letting the reality of day to day life slip into the background. The fabric of our lives together was velvety and supple, a cloth we wove over the years through trial and error. The final piece had visible patches. Could I give hundreds of examples where we failed? Yes. But, those things can’t be redone or fixed. They gave our story a kick. Imperfections that acknowledge we made it through married life and came out still wanting to spend another day together. And another. And another. No matter how many days were left, it would never have been enough for VST and I. Period. We would have fought though whatever was necessary, because we were US. Sadly, he needed to leave earlier than I did.

Through conversations and introspection, I am forming ideas about what is desired in my next important relationship. These surprise me, as I realize there are things that worked at age 30, 40, or 50 that I don’t care to embrace at age 64 years and 361 days of age. There are new things I would like to try. My growth has transformed me into a woman in a new stage of life that is exciting and empowering, yet leaves me more vulnerable than I would like to admit. Each brick of my foundation for this next chapter of my life is of my own choosing. I need to choose them wisely, with the benefit of 64 years and 361 days of experiences, good and bad. Now, that’s a lot of layering right there.

I can’t wait for spring, when the layers of my peony blossoms are unfolding. Layers of stacked garden tools will become scattered about the back yard. New decomposed granite spread over layers of garden cloth. The layer of a morning’s hoodie flung off revealing the cutest swimsuit just right for a tired gardener to soak in the new hot tub (which just might be purchased this weekend).

For now, a new black turtleneck and cashmere will do nicely. Grabbing my coat, I’m off to meet a waiting friend, layered.

Last Song

Music is a crucial part of my life. Do I play an instrument? No. Can I read music? Yes, a bit. Do I sing? Badly. But, music feeds my soul. Without it, my world would be empty. Most days, I would rather enjoy music than any other form of entertainment.

In my teaching days, I would have some kind of music playing most of the day. Instrumental only, the best pieces had a rhythm the same pace as a resting heartbeat. Music played during our writing time. One day, sweet Sarah came to me with a comment about the music. “Mrs. Hurt, the music helps the words come out of my fingers.” Yes, it does, Sarah. From my fingers, too.

VST and I met because of our love for music and a need to fill an elective in high school. In choir, he was a bass, me, a soprano. This was only because my blond roots didn’t possess the ability to harmonize as altos do. My fondest memories involve the beginning of class when he and his football buddies would come tumbling in, still moist from their PE showers. VST always had the sweetest smile. His tousled hair had the slightest curl to it. Odd, because by the time I met him later in life, his hair had no curl at all. He was a happy jock, later in life, to become a serious intellect.

VST was a purest when it came to music. He wanted his Country Western, and that was it. After his death, I listened to my fair share of Willie’s Roadhouse, remembering with each song all the miles we spent together in the RV. The thing about Country Western music is that the lyrics can be totally silly or trite, but, they can also be so tender. Many times, driving back and forth to retrieve my packing boxes while talking to VST, just the right song would come on. Sometimes, this would bring laughter, but more often it would bring tears. I need to be in the right frame of mind for Willie’s these days. It’s a trigger that can still bring on the ugly cry with the first note of a favorite song.

My favorite types of music don’t involve Country Western at all. On a good day, I listen to a variety of smooth jazz, 70’s and 80’s music, and what the kids, (who are not kids but adults), refer to as my funeral music. This music came into our lives when we got Oliver. VST was NOT a dog person. But when furry little Oliver came to live with us, he amplified a tender and sweet side is us both. VST found a channel that had very soft instrumental music that seemed to soothe our little puppy. From then on, this was referred to as “Oliver’s Music”. To this day, I enjoy this channel as much as Oliver does.

VST told me he had a list of favorite music on his computer should the unthinkable happen, He was still healthy and IT was never going to. When the unthinkable DID happen, I went to his computer and spent a long, long time looking for this file. To my shock and dismay, there was no file, and the memorial was in a week. We needed a play list for the luncheon after the service. My creativity was at an all time low, but, I knew I had to get this just right. So, I began to think back to all the best times in the rig, and the songs that played.

As I picked through U-Tube, the songs started coming to life with videos. I spent a long afternoon crying and listening to lyrics that took me back to times with my sweet VST. Although a tough afternoon, I felt like we were together for one last trip, one last song. Just us two, rolling along. As the afternoon ended, I had my list of songs. I needed 45 minutes worth of music to fit with the video. So, I started adding up the lengths of the songs I had chosen through tears. When I finished, I looked at the number with amazement.

44 minutes 59 seconds. Without planning. Without rejecting one of his favorites. Just the right songs. In the right order. To say the right Good Bye.

Music. Listen today to what ever makes you feel the way you need. Really listen to lyrics you thought you knew. Let it hug you. Because it will, down to the last song.

Healing

My own healing is progressing each day. The holidays have always been a challenge for me. As a teacher, I remember being in my classroom on the eve of Christmas Eve some years, leaving me in a spent mess of wrapping and tinsel as I tried to ready a Christmas for my own family, while sending little ones home with handmade gifts for theirs. Emotionally draining in the past, this year, I choose to celebrate differently. Savored in little bits, the true meaning of Christmas is occupying my thoughts.

So far, it’s working, with a little help from my friends. Yesterday, the sweetest card came in the mail. The first Christmas card to Oliver and me, ours and ours alone. It’s from a dear heart friend that I have yet to meet and hug. She and I share a deep and abiding love of our Winterpast, it belonging first to her parents. Her memories are of days past, mine are forming every new day. Christmas is remembered differently for her, as her mom decorated her home with cheer. Her memories of meals and holidays linger here. I hope that when we do meet, she approves of the way I am honoring her mom’s love of home as I make Winterpast my own.

In my holiday healing, I’ve been holding what has scared and scarred me in an emotional bear hug, inhaling the essence of the pain while accepting that it can’t hurt me any deeper. I have many ghosts of Christmases past. Memories of those lost at Christmas time, like my beloved Grandmother, gone on December 23, 1981. Loss sneaks in like a thief and can cloud a time of year that holds the promise of birth, life, and happiness. It takes a conscious mind to choose happiness when the sadness of loss takes over.

Each day, I risk a little more, trusting the new foundation that I’m laying. New routines. New interests. Driving more. Planning things fun and just for me. I’m trusting that today will be better than yesterday. More than that, I’m trusting and KNOWING that I’m taking good care of myself, making healthy choices and moving toward a life of my own choosing. I smile accepting real limitations of age and station in life, but also knowing that there are many silly, self imposed limitations that need to be shed. As I heal, the words flow out of my fingers in my morning blog, delighting me as I express myself.

This holiday, I’ve already discovered there are many judgments from others that I can simply disregard. If someone doesn’t even know whether I prefer my new plaid blazer or my favorite hoodie these days, they simply don’t have enough valid information to judge my current state of mind. If they’ve not talked to me in months, only to call expecting me to be stuck in July’s sorrow, that is on them, not on me. Embracing this is freeing me to to heal more quickly. The expectations of others on widows is often an unfair projection of their own demons unprocessed. Sorry, I’m dealing with enough right now. Opinions of me by others will not take up space in my healing brain.

In this holiday season, I remember something wise that my wonderful God Mother, TJ, shared with me long ago. Healing is knowing what doors to close and which ones to leave open just a crack. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly, like the mending of a cut or the opening of a peony. My life is becoming a garden rich with new friends in my new town. People that I can call when sorrow and grief get me down, like my sweetest gal pals, Miss Firecracker or Ninja Neighbor. I also call them when I have the best news to share or just because I feel like hearing their voice.

Find some time to Celebrate the things from which you have healed this year. Celebrate your own new friends and make some new traditions. Although robbing us of many things, Covid has forced a very busy world to slow down and hold close our family and friends. I’m finding Christmas is the best time of all to heal, while honoring those new angels we love and miss so much.

8 Months of Growth

Eight months ago today, at 10:30am, I became a widow. Quietly. Without much fanfare or notice, I entered a club in which no one wants membership. There isn’t a handbook for navigation of this territory, except for five road signs of grief along the way, and endless ways to express those. I would like to share my experiences with these stages, so far. I’m pretty sure they will stick around in the days to come, but, I know their faces well. They have come to be accepted comrades in my widowhood.

In the first months, widow’s fog wasn’t much fun at all. Not the kind of cozy fog in which you might stay by the fire, drink hot tea, and read. A fog that leaves you forgetful and dazed. I referred to it as my months of shock. VST died so quickly, it was as if he died in a car crash. Violent and final. And yet, looking back, his illness was at work long before we chose to acknowledge it. Long before we knew what was causing his changes. By time we did know, the oncologist was telling us to go home. There was nothing that could be done. Live a best life. Eat and drink whatever tasted good. Two months, max. It turned out to be a week.

I was so lucky through those first months to have a move to keep me occupied. Many people warned against relocating within the first month of VST’s death. However, VST and I had planned this together before we knew he was sick. There was no choice except to ride that pony. With T and K’s help, that is just what I did. Looking back, even the thought of visiting VC after he was gone was impossible, let alone continuing a life there. I chose the move even against the most stern advice.

Denial hit us when VST was still alive. He went through a heavy dose before accepting that he had a serious illness. Looking back, so many symptoms were either ignored, or denied their very existence by us both. They were explained away. A rough patch in our marriage. Stress. Exhaustion. A cold. Probiotic overload. So many reasons we came up with as the cancer became more and more serious. Time wouldn’t have mattered, as he was already deep in trouble when he started to feel poorly. In some ways, it was the kindest for him, as he slipped away from me little by little, not realizing he was. I found a wee bit of respite in denying something was very, very wrong in the months before.

The only thing I ever would have bargained for was a total elimination of the disease. For that, there would have been nothing to great to give. Even my own health in exchange. But, those thoughts were replaced with the truth of the matter. It wasn’t me. It was him. Bargaining for chips worth less than our old life was not something either of us wanted. Fifty percent of the life we had wasn’t anything desired. One December day, I found myself sobbing, begging, pleading for the life we once had. Still driving, he was headed out the door for the 4th trip of the day to Reno to buy a forgotten bolt. A man that was slipping through my fingers turned to me and said, “Don’t we all, Darlin?” Little did we know in a few short months, he would be gone.

With the holidays approaching, I’m staying busy with lists and activities. Sunday, I drove on my favorite road to Bridgeport. Heading on the highway we had enjoyed so many times, I was the only car for most of the 4 1/2 hour trip. Sadness had me at many turns as I remembered things we had discussed, or just music we had enjoyed together. But, then, many memories brought smiles and thoughts of how lucky we were to have shared such beauty on our travels. Sadness and loneliness have their time with me. I’ve come to realize I need to embrace them like fellow grievers. There’s a time when those emotions are totally normal and part of the healing process. Covid has given me private time to make sure they get my attention, for to stuff them would do no good. They need to have their say in the matter so I can work towards becoming 100% again.

Anger is still at bay, maybe disguised through fumings about other situations causing grief right now. Like the pandemic and the restrictions on normal life caused by it. I still wonder what in the heck I have to be angry about, and I still come up with nothing at all. I’m grateful to a God that has helped me find my way through this nightmare. To place anger there would be pointless. To the doctors and nurses that helped VST, I am eternally grateful. Cancer is not a thing that would be affected by my anger, although I hate it with a passion. But, even through the hatred, I am grateful that its attack was swift and complete, not leaving VST to linger into a holding pattern for years. VST wouldn’t have settled for that for a second. He was too impatient. Each new day found him wanting to get moving as quickly as possible. To me, it’s no surprise he passed so quickly into the next place. It fit who he was.

Acceptance has been with me for some time now. Being a grieving wife, I KNOW he left April 8th. There are still those split seconds of denial when the mind plays such cruel tricks. I need tell VST this one funny thing. Or ask him how to air up my tires. Or tell him the latest gossip just heard. These thoughts zip through at lightning speed caught by the realist me who gives me a little mental hug while redirecting me to reality. I accept that this is how our story ended. I hate it. Totally. I wish there had been time to repair a few divets. Time to hug once more. Time to reminisce about the favorite moments in our lives together. One last walk along the shore. But then, there never would have been enough time, would there? There would always be one last thing.

Eight balloons will be released at 10:30 this morning. Not at 11:15, like his death certificate says. It lies. At 10:30, a widow 8 months. A treacherous journey. A walk through fire I would wish on no one. Beauty found on the winter side of April, something I couldn’t have expected, but, a beauty welcomed. A pride in the fact that I am here, blogging to you. 8 Months of forever. 8 Months a second old. 8 Months of Growth all mine.

Gardener Grieving

Ninja Neighbor is the best neighbor I’ve had in my 65 years. Funny, intelligent, spunky, and real, she brightens my life every time we are together. There is a 20 year spread in our ages, but, our spirits mirror each other. I think of how different my move would have been if my house wasn’t next to hers. I love the little path I am wearing as I walk from my front door to hers, over our landscaping. A trip to happiness every time I go.

We are also the kind of neighbors that share when we are in need. “Do you have a..” “Could I borrow a…” These calls always result in a flurry of chatter and chuckles as items are exchanged. I would do anything for this woman and she would for me. She is my family in a town very far away from my own.

Through this wonderful bit of seredipity, many, many family members and girlfriends are now in my circle. Ones I don’t know yet. New Camping friends. New fishing friends. New Gals in Grace. Just new in every way. Last night I got a call, and window into how much fun awaits.”

“Joy, do you have anything that fries stuff?” I am already laughing at the question.
“We just need the cord.” L.O.L. I had an electric skillet that I delivered. Not being the right type of cord, I asked if they would like to try my trusty Ninja 5 in 1, which I would never loan out to anyone for anything, except NN. My kitchen is her kitchen. I returned the skillet and came back with the Ninja 5 in 1.

In the kitchen was the most beautiful array of young women celebrating Teacher Girl’s birthday. TG is NN’s sister, and together, they bring beauty to the word. Friends and sisters in the truest sense. In the kitchen, a group of women were cooking Korean BBQ for TG. All long time friends, they were making this a birthday Teacher Girl would never forget. Busily chopping, dipping, dredging, and sauteing, these women were on a mission of deliciousness.

I was introduced to everyone, but one woman made my night. All of these gals were beautiful, but this one said something that made my heart glow. She validated so much of my hard work this year with the sweetest comment.

Ninja Neighbor had introduced me as her neighbor and an extraordinary writer. She went on and on about the blog, Grievinggardener.com.

“Oh, so you have gardens? What do you grow? How long have you been doing it?”

It shocked me so. She had totally disregarded the grieving and focused my true passion. Gardening. The one that has to do with a focus on life instead of death. The one in which my eyes shine and I smile as my yard changes with the seasons. The one from which WINTERPAST sprouted. A focus on grief was absent. She focused on a normal gardener, who has grieved for 8 months, but who is healing nicely. She focused on me.

“I’m grieving, too.” I added, still processing that she had missed the first word in my domain name.

She stopped and looked into my eyes. “I am so sorry, I didn’t think.” I assured her, her response was perfect in every way.

After a quick visit, I excused myself, needing to get back to Ollie and evening writing. As I inched back through the landscaping, the window in my studio glowed, giving me just enough light to avoid rocks and drip line. My entries for the writing contest needed one last read before sending them into cyberspace. Lost in the four stories I chose, small errors were corrected, and when they were all just right, the SEND button was pushed.

Mr. Fighter Pilot called when I was finished for a quick chat before bedtime. He has no idea how much those calls mean. Sometimes the quiet of the night makes every ghost come out to play. Loneliness is a demon. While on the phone, there was a knock on the door. Very unusual for my house at any time of day.

On the other side was beautiful Ninja Neighbor. In her hands was a plate brimming with Korean BBQ. Everything from the most tender steak to spicy noodles. Panko-crusted shrimp, veggies, and steamed rice.

“The girls wanted you to have a little of everything! Enjoy!” Her smile radiated friendship and love. The food was so delicious. Made with love to celebrate a woman they adore. Love makes everything most special.

Gardener grieving. Names flipped. Different emphasis. I am coming into a new phase of womanhood in which I will grow my soul, spirit, and self. Soon, I’ll be lost in my springtime passion of Iris’s and Peonies. Of blooming fruit trees and the insidious toads that plague me under night’s cover. I will pull out some things and plant others, while singing badly to 80’s music and jumping in and out of the hot tub not yet purchased, but definitely planned. I will watch the stars from the comfort of my comfy lawn, while enjoying the desert I love so much. Grief will be tempered by knowing my marriage was special enough to grieve his loss deeply. I wouldn’t have missed one moment of our lives together for anything.

Happiness is a state of mind. It’s a healthy and safe garden for me to grow my new life. It flourishes in my heart with the help of Ninja Neighbor, Teacher Girl, and all the friends they so graciously share with me. I am a lucky gardener grieving.

Note–My Ninja Neighbor, Trish, and her best friend, Amber, have a delightful Vlog -“Gals In Grace”. You can find them on YouTube sharing tips on cooking, cleaning, and organization. Their last post was a funny one demonstrating “How to Wrap a Present”. Be sure to look up their post on Black Light Cleaning if you need a good laugh. Just remember, don’t get too stressed with the holidays. If things get to you, just take another sip of wine. Trish, I love you, sweet friend. Remember the code word, my Ninja Neighbor.

But, What Do You Do?

Today, I was thinking about RVing and how much I miss it. Truly miss it in a heart wrenching way. Being on the road, away and on a mission to get somewhere new was always so much fun for VST and I. He would only need to look at me and say, “Darlin, where should we go this time?” Wherever I mentioned was just the place he had on his mind. We would be hauling new supplies into the rig and chasing the sunrise.

Many times, the neighbors asked in a puzzled way, “But, what do you do?” It was hard to explain to them exactly WHAT was so much fun. VST and I just liked going places. When we got there, it wasn’t that we had some exciting event to attend, or people waiting to entertain us. We like each other. We liked traveling. We liked seeing Oliver so happy on the road. We liked the beautiful sights along the way as we traversed our country. 50,000 miles with three different rigs.

We were creatures of habit on the road, and so, meals were super easy. Both of us were on Keto most of the time we RVed. Protein, salad, and sugar free anything. VST had his movies packed up, and always seemed to pick a good one I hadn’t seen knowing what I would like. He would save the hardcore war movies for later, when I was engrossed in whatever book I was reading at the time. Oliver would be so happy to have us all together in a small space. He would happily chew on a new bone or toy. The calm peace and quiet was something that radiated from our rig.

For a time, VST and I were traveling to the coast once a month. The trip wasn’t the easiest or cheapest at 600 miles one way and gas at $4 a gallon. We would break it into two nights each way. Once there, we behaved like the locals. Just breathing the coastal air was a treat. VST loved walking Oliver to the pier, always coming back with fan stories. Some I witnessed myself, like the lady who asked if she could take a picture with him. Not VST. Ollie. He was the star. Once, there was an Easter Pet Parade. Oliver did go down for the festivities, but, being a very young puppy, he tuckered out before the grueling one mile pet and people parade.

What did we do? We practiced being retired. We walked. We visited with RV neighbors. We ate too much. We went out sight seeing. We had dinners out. We mapped our next trips and analyzed things that could be better. We talked to each other about lots of things. We argued. We made up. We watched movies and TV. We cuddled. We slept well. We enjoyed ourselves.

What didn’t we do?? We never got bored. We never decided we didn’t want to travel anymore. Most arguments were fixed by morning. We never got lost. We never disagreed about where we were going. We loved remembering where we’d been. We never discussed how the person left would ever survive if the other died suddenly. Because, quite frankly, we never saw ourselves as aging mortals. Just feral parents that were having the happiest time of their lives.

I think of all the trips taken with VST. He was a fitting travel companion for me. It just worked well that way. When Oliver was added into our dance, he worked well, too. We could button up the rig and be on the road in an hour, including all necessary grooming, bathrooming, and breakfasting. We were reasonable about the demands of the weather, and could change plans without question, even though I did mumble loudly on our last trip to the coast, when we were lucky enough to get Spot 1, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The trip was cut in half because of the first major snow storm of the year. It was the last time we would ever visit the beach together.

What did we do? We did US. We did MARRIED. We did COUPLE. We did LIFE. And those things we did while we RVed.

I had planned my first return to the coast in January 2021. A way to start off the New Year on a good foot. A return to a place that will hold some tears and a lump-filled throat for me, when I do get there. Pretty sure the ghosts of good laughs and quiet moments will still be hanging around to taunt me. I’d almost given up going for all the wrong reasons. Too far. Too much driving. Too complicated to take Ollie with me. Too. Too. Too. This morning I made peace with the fact that I have a beach house rented and will be going.

This evening, the California Governor has locked down the county to which I was traveling. Most likely into 2021. Closing the beach. Closing the pier. Closing the reason people travel there. My reservation has been Covid canceled.

For now, I’ll need to find new adventures to places I haven’t been before, traveling in ways that don’t involve an RV. Friends will probably still ask, “But, What Do You Do?” I will just need to smile. Because now, the answer is pretty simple. I’ll Do Me. Plain and Simple. Just Me.

Moving Forward

Yesterday was a day of no movement, forward or backwards. Some days, as retirees, we must practice lazy. As widows, we need to stop for much needed reflection and ponder the growth we make every day. Next week, 8 Months will have passed since I lost VST. Although in some ways, it seems like not one second has passed, it is undeniable that the growth I have made in these months is astounding. Hardly a day passes in which a new problem requires skills or knowledge I didn’t know I possess. For these new skills, I am profoundly thankful.

I started to think about moving forward and what it doesn’t mean for me. It doesn’t mean that I have forgotten VST, for he is embedded in the deepest place of my heart, safe and sound. After loving someone so deeply for so many years, his words and deeds are memories at the ready to comfort me when no one else could know. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the pain of this loss every day. It has become manageable, but just like a physical pain, if I move the wrong way, disturbing a hidden memory that squeaks, the pain of my loss is real. It doesn’t mean I believe life is always fair. There was nothing fair or right about what happened to VST and I. No one could ever make me believe it was part of a loving master plan. But, nothing can change the fact that Cancer was the victor. No matter what I do, I must move on, knowing the truths above are important parts of my life now.

As I move forward, my pain is not necessarily less. I have found ways to manage it, much like a critically injured patient would understand. Family, friends, exercise, healthy thoughts, laughter, a busy mind, good food, and plenty of sleep help mitigate it. Finding words to express my feelings allows venting in healthy doses. Treasuring my best memories is something I now can do without crying excessively. I can find humor inJ the things we used to do and say, and while others might not get it, we did and always will. I have realistically accepted the different aspects of my loss as the days have gone on. Being a farm girl has helped with that, having learned early on that there is a season for everything, including the loss of a loved one.

As I move forward, I can and will form new relationships and try new things that bring renewed faith in the goodness of life. I discount nay say-ers who say I’m not following recommended time frames for grief, because the only person that knows my heart is me. There is not some kind of magic dip stick to measure my level of grief and healing. Not a magic calendar in which the train to happiness will leave the station. I am finding those milestones on my own by trial and error. And errors I have made. But, successes have been found, too. New friendships #have let me find peace and happiness with conversations, shared stories, and outings. Forward thinking has allowed me to go ahead on my own path, assured that I am not alone as I walk on.

In a forward mode, I am growing in grace in my private talks with God. Without faith, my journey would have been much worse, if not impossible. It has comforted me when my lonely house was Covid silent with one lone occupant. Me. With faith anew, I have been more able to accept my loss and forgive others. More importantly, I have found forgiveness of myself and things I wished I would have done differently. VST is smiling now, reminding me, “You can’t go nowhere on yesterday’s train, Darlin.” Both Joy and Loss are part of my journey now. I need to stay focused in the moment to avoid missing the wonder of life. The past can’t reflect a pair of noisy crows talking their hearts out on my roof, or mustangs enjoying the sunshine on an autumn day. There is so much beauty in the Right Now of life. Beauty that soothes my soul as I walk my neighborhood on sun-drenched mornings.

I know, most of all, God is good even when life isn’t. With so many external distractions, I forget, at times, that I don’t need to fix everything in my broken life all at once. If moving forward, I’m not stuck. Better yet, I’m not in reverse. By moving forward, I can get past fearful days in which I’m not sure which fork in the road is best for me. The perfection of now is found when I keep moving towards life, family, friends, and goals, even if it is inch by inch up a steep grade.

I’m grateful for the last 8 months, strange as that sounds. Obviously, not for losing VST, which has been excruciating. I’m thankful for Hope and Growth, which have turned my focus toward life at its best. Exhilarating and freeing. I am thankful for everything I’m learning each day as I move forward on my journey towards a happy life. Simply being grateful for the Good in life. Try it. It will help.

Story Time

In third grade, story time was a reward for me. It was never included in scripted minutes which teachers must now justify and adhere to. Time shaved off other subjects was used, because story time was something that my kids and I needed. Like air. After lunch, little bundles of sweaty happiness knew. They came to the carpet and got a story rock. Sitting or laying, the rule was, the smooth rock could only be in one hand. Not thrown at Sally or Rob. Not tossed or dropped annoyingly. The rocks were thinking rocks. Smooth and flat, they fit nicely in small fingers and were to be rubbed as the story unfolded. During suspenseful times, the rocks moved with their little fingers. Big wiggles ceased, as pure, sweet eyes watched me read. Not with a pure gaze, but with visualized words flashing before their eyes.

I had a favorite book, read every year. “Because of Winn Dixie.” It was one that I read every single year, because of the voices. They were in rich southern drawl, which I could read in a very entertaining way. The kids ate it up. I loved reading it to them. Winn! Winn! The character, India Opal, hadn’t had the easiest life, living with her father, The Preacher. The kids related to her. When I started reading the award winning story to them, it was brand new. Right off the press. No movies or visuals preconceived visuals, we all made our own. Each of us would have known Opal on the street by our ideas of her height, weight, hair length and smile. We knew her in our hearts.

After I had read the book through many classes, the worst of all things happened. Towards the end of my 3rd Grade adventures, when scripted lessons and minutes timed by the principal had robbed so many rich and joyful teachable moments, “Because of Winn Dixie” became a movie. My class being legendary, my 3rd Graders came in knowing after lunch story time was a priceless experience. Everyone was giddy when I brought out the book. But, the saddest thing happened. Slowly, the rocks couldn’t work over whispered spoilers. Kids commented on the color of the actresses red hair. Or the size of Winn Dixie, her dog. Or anything else Hollywood dictated to be absolute. If they could see it, it was. If the story in the pages didn’t match what they had seen, the book lied. Just like that the magic was stolen. I never read that story to anyone again.

Sometimes, on the hottest of Central Valley Days, when the thermometer read 100 by noon, the kids would come in from lunch drained. Many needed time to rest, longing for rainstorms missing for awhile. On those days, story time would turn into rain-storm reading. Recorded rain drops and thunder would bring images of storms to them. Under the cooling storm, they would all get “out of the rain”, curling up under desks or tables, to happily read their favorite book. The sound of rain cemented good feelings about reading into their brains. Never a “I don’t want to” or a “This is stupid”. Nope. Rainstorm reading was a hit when we were all needing to check out into our own worlds for just a few minutes. No movies needed because we all had rainy day words.

Being a life long reader, books will always be my first love. But, there is definitely a place for movies in my world now. How many of us immediately know what the King of Siam looks like? Dorothy? Don Corleone? The African Queen? King Kong? R2D2? Yes. What a shame if we didn’t have that collective visualization of such rich characters. What a shame if such brilliant minds hadn’t taken words on a page and created them for us. But, what a loss of all the individual possibilities never born, because after seeing an image, we accepted that as we would the nose on our best friend. What if Dorothy was blonde with bright blue eyes? Or R2D2 the shiniest of copper?

VST had a small DVD player on which he would watch movies when he went to bed. Complete with headphones, he would zone into his own private little world, not wanting to bother my sleep. I always found it strange, as sleep would find me so easily, providing dreams of the richest kind. Much more entertaining that a canned experience a movie maker created.

One day, I really wanted to watch a movie I didn’t have on hand. I didn’t want to buy the image online. I wanted a disc. Something tangible that I could hold and manipulate. I ordered it and some others through Amazon. When they arrived, I remembered VST being excited when he found a movie he had been looking for in the $5 bin at Wal Mart. Just like that, I had a new way to relax at night.

As I started thinking back to my favorites, more came to me. Cocoon. Fried Green Tomatoes. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Sleepless in Seattle. You’ve Got Mail. Murphy’s Romance. Fiddler on the Roof. South Pacific. West Side Story. Rear Window. North by Northwest. Vertigo. Psycho. The Birds. These movies were created by visual geniuses. The music created by real musicians and chosen to enhance the visual and emotional experience. Real movie stars created by Hollywood gave us someone to imagine with perfect life and happiness when ours weren’t. Visual Fantasy Land.

Although nothing will ever match the perfection of story time with eager children wanting to know what happened next, my story time is now one in which I can let someone else do the telling, while I soak up tale and stop my brain for a few minutes.

Last night, after spending hours writing and editing, I had texted MFP to tell him I was stopping for the night because my brain was sweating. He replied that he didn’t know how to air condition a brain. I do. Movie-fied stories are my brain air-conditioning. Whether through written word or big screen viewing, find a way to let someone else tell a story for a bit. I highly recommend it.

Oy Vey

VST was the kind of the Honey Do guy of which every woman dreams. There was no request too much, no matter the time or skill required. I only needed to say, “Gee, it would be nice….” or “Would you….” and requests were fulfilled at warp speed. For 32 years, light bulbs never remained dark, because he changed them. The most minor leaks were repaired immediately. Dragging doors were analyzed and problems resolved. Any possible fix-it needed over the years was woven into his extremely busy world with just a simple request. The physical aspects of our lives were always in good repair.

All true, until it came to the Christmas Season. VST was not a HO HO HO Jingling Jingle kind of guy. He had no time for things like Christmas lights or lawn ornaments, until he retired. Last year, our Christmas memories were purposeful and sweet, as Dunmovin House neared completion. There were only two big projects remaining that he would complete in his lifetime. Forever more, his last home was perfectly mended. The flip that ended all flips finished, he put down his tool belt and smiled.

Christmas lights were hung with care last year. Strand after strand, he patiently weathered the cold, while hanging them on hooks he had installed the year before. No attention to painful arthritis, a paralyzed hand, or bad knees. He took me to Lowe’s to buy 40 poinsettias on Black Friday, which I placed all over the house. It takes a patient kind of guy to put up with 40 poinsettias because they make his wife smile. But, there he was helping me count them out.

The neighbors had asked us to join them for Christmas Dinner, but, quietly, he asked me if we could spend it together, just us two. He had a romantic Christmas vision. Of course I explained this to the neighbors, who looked suspiciously. What could two old people possibly need with romance on Christmas? Just what was VST planning??? His plans will remain secret and forever be a sweet gift he shared with me alone.

It was me that ruined that with the onset of a cold. Not the worst I’ve ever had, but one that required Chicken Soup, blankets, and tender care. I so graciously gifted my sniffles back to him, and returned the favor, passing the box of Kleenex. Looking back, it was romantic in an entirely deeper way. One that gets me in the throat if I think about it too long. The most precious kind of holiday missing this year.

Yesterday started out with the realization that November was ending. December always clouds my brain in the most confusing ways. I am a Sagittarian. For those of you unfamiliar with the Zodiac, I’m a December baby. This is an important year. 65. VST was really bothered when he turned 65 in July, and was troubled about it just a year ago, as the snow fell. When traveling, he commented that the road signs were telling him not to exceed 65. Eery, looking back now, as cancer stopped the ride at precisely that age,

In two weeks, I, too, will turn 65, that adding to a mood darkened. Having a birthday the week before Christmas is the worst, so over the years, I’ve done a good job extinguishing it. I don’t celebrate it, acknowledge it, or run around like a child with a new Barbie doll. The quieter it can pass, the better. This year, it’s just me, so, I have decisions to make. Will it be a new tradition or will I find comfort in blotting the day off the calendar? That remains to be seen.

Getting back to yesterday. With invisible clouds in my head on a perfectly brilliant day, I decided to drag out my newest outdoor decoration. The hope was it would elevate my mood. A very tall “Joy” for the front yard. Independent letters formed by a wire basket filled with red, green, and silver Christmas balls, lighted to add to the sparkle. I had loved it from the first glance, and bought it to cheer up the front yard. It was packaged in the RV barn, so, I rolled up the door and got to work unboxing it. The letters were waist high, and connected with wires, and , after a bit of a struggle, they were in the front yard.

Neighbors taking morning strolls, all stopped to talk. The old man with the dog who walks by twice a day stopped to chat, a little more flirty than usual. We laughed about the dangers of ladders, while I examined wire connections. Thankfully, he walked on. It was then, I saw them. Coming straight from the box, without any help from me, the wires on the J were never soldered into the display. The J was disconnected from the OY. It was over. Just like that. It so fit 2020. I could’ve just decided to illuminate the OY as in Oy Vey.

Immediately, I could feel them welling up. I. WOULD. NOT. CRY. Not over something as ridiculous as an unlit J. I had been through hell since the beginning of 2020. I WOULD NOT WASTE TEARS OVER SOMETHING SO STUPID. I thought back to VST and his soldering tools. With a mumble, he would have finished connecting the J, never focusing on a minor inconvenience. Although I had seen him do it several times, it was not in my wheel house of expertise. So, just like that, J — Oy was packed up and taken back to Lowes for a refund. Period.

To anyone else walking by, the house looks neat and tidy. A visual break from the others adorned with icicles, colorful bulbs, and festive yard art. To me, it’s a statement. Christmas is different this year, never to be the same again. There’s always next year to find just the right yard art and design. For this year, it will be stark white, like the snowfall. Someone dear, gone missing. Someone quieted and retired. Someone thoughtfully remembering the sweetness of holidays past, while awaiting a Christmas of new beginnings.

Optimistically Joyful

Christmas 1983.

In a land long and time long before VST. Another kind of First Christmas. Lonely. Scared to death. Newly divorcing. Mother of two small boys, aged 3 and 5. Working swing shift at a winery. (3:30 – 11:30pm). Did I mention two small kiddos? Worried. Penniless. Yet, timidly optimistic, in the most beautiful way. Purely knowing everything was better than it had been in years, and would continue to be better every single day. Because, there are many things worse than being alone.

The boys had been restless all day. The Older already knew about Santa and what would happen soon. The Younger was just aboard for the ride. I had exhausted all the normal activities for the two of them, and had one last thing planned on this my day off. In the next town over, just 30 miles South, there was a magical street that went on for miles, or so my silly memory told me. Christmas Tree Lane. I had just enough gas in the car to get there, back, and to work the next day. My wallet told me I couldn’t fill gas for two more days, but this would be worth it. The boys needed this bit of magic, and so did I.

I had returned the empty soda bottles, collecting change enough to treat us to McDonald’s hamburgers, as an added surprise. They were going to have the best night ever and think I had lost my mind!! Sadness and anger had their talons sunk deep into my neck. At times, I didn’t know if I would find my next breath. Mother. Father. Breadwinner. Funmaker. Maid. Gardener. The list went on. With the demands real and overwhelming, seldom was there time for self assessment. It was just that way.

Thankfully, the ride South was always fun for the boys. They were aware of everything around them, this being before the advent of phones or DVD’s. I Spy was a fun game to play with them on the road, amidst their precious squeals as a semi-truck would pass us. The Older soon learned to give the truck drivers a signal for a honk, as he set his giggles free when it worked. The Younger would always fall asleep in his car seat, the motion carrying him to his dreams.

McDonald’s was a rare treat. Again, no jungle gyms or running willy-nilly. We sat together and shared hamburgers and fries. All smiles. Again, a game of I Spy helped pass the time. The Older was curious.

“What’s next, Mommy?”

What WAS next for me? At that moment in time, there was no reason I should believe I would get a NEXT. Just more of the same.

“A SURPRISE!!!” More delight from these two little humans I loved more than the moon and the stars. I loved more than me.

As quick as a cricket, we were back in our blue Toyota station wagon, and in search of Shields Avenue. I had grown up in on a farm outside this town and had done this very thing many times in my own childhood. I was pretty sure the street I needed was Shields Avenue. The sun was going to bed, and the Younger was yawning as we rolled along.

“Hang on, Buddy. We are almost to our SURPRISE!” His eyelids had closed as he catnapped, happy and full. The Older’s eyes darted back and forth, taking in the sights of a new place.

The sun was now down, a veil of light still hanging in winter air. On Shields Avenue, we were creeping down the street. At this point I was sure that I was on the right street, but then again, not. Growing up in the country, just driving to see the town lights was always so exciting and beautiful. I realized now, many trips to town to see the night lights had been my own parent’s ways of stretching their dollars when there were not many left to stretch.

Cars lined the One Way street on both sides, bumper to bumper, in total darkness now. I was so disappointed that I had obviously missed the street altogether. I would need ask CC which street I was supposed to take. She and I were 5 year friends by then. The kids were restless now, and it would be best to head back home for bath and story time. The best part of our very long days.

Coming to a 4-way stop. It happened. Just like that. For us. The first car of the night.

“Mama!!!!!!!!” , the Older gasped, waking the Younger. I couldn’t speak, as tears welled up in my eyes. There were no words.

For one block, the most beautiful lights magically appeared. On both sides of the road, the massive pines were laced with lights to their tippy tops. Lights carefully hung in the most beautiful patterns on trees that were way older than I was. At each intersection, lights crossed the road high above our car. Houses on the sides of the streets lit up. Everything at once. One block of magic. Lawn scenes had taken hours and hours of preparation. Elves, Santas, Reindeer, Sleighs. On the roofs. In the grass. Shining from behind windows of quaint little houses. This was a street in which everyone was involved. Period.

Both my babes were shrieking, never having seen such beauty in their short lives. All I could do was roll on. Sad that this beauty was only found on one block in life. But, how wonderful we were to be Car #1 on this chilly night.

As I approached the next 4-way stop, the next block lit before us, and it was tears and shrieking all over again. Even more beauty. Sparkling. Surreal. Animated scenes, one more fantastical than the last. From total darkness to wonderland. It made sense now! The cars on the sides of the road had been waiting to cheat the lines. Here I was, muddling along, lucky enough to be the first of the night. I rolled down my window to hear Christmas Carols playing softly throughout the treetops. I had needed this as much as the kids.

Block after block, it was the same scenario. I would get to the intersection and another section of lights would appear. In my memory, it went on for at least 20 miles. In reality, by the 3rd block, the remainder of the Lane was lit, lasting 5 blocks in total. In my mind, I was a girl again, coming to town with Mom and Dad to see the magic of lights in the night. In reality, I was a very sad, tired, broke, really great mom enjoying a magical moment with my boys.

At the end, when the final turn would lead us back home, there stood Santa. By this time, Older and Younger could barely contain themselves. Smiling, as all Santa’s do, he gave us three candy canes. His eyes said, “Believe. Everything is going to be okay. It already is. Look behind you.”

Because it was the only song they knew so far, we sang Jingle Bells on the way home. Until it was just the Older and Me. And finally, just me, as they slept.

Santa was so right. For all the things I didn’t have, I had everything I needed in my two boys. I was safe now. And, now, I would keep them safe. There WERE worse things than being alone. I had spent 6 years in a situation that bad. This first Christmas FREE was the beginning of our new journey towards happiness. Optimistically joyful, we were home.

For Older and Younger. I love you to the moon and back. Mom

Adventure

Such a fair weather word this has always been for me. My best adventures have always been during or in search of 70, as in degrees or miles per hour. 70. The most perfect temperature known to human kind. 70. The best speed to get somewhere in a reasonable amount of hours. Now I find myself speeding towards another 70, knowing age will define the quality and quantity of my adventures at some point.

My new normal for desert life now is immersed in cold. For those of you in California, this is a different type of cold. The kind that makes old injuries ache, while burning your skin if you are out in it too long. Add wind, and WINTERPAST surrounds me as adventures are limited to indoor activities for this old woman.

Bundled up in my toasty bed this morning, I thought back to that day in August with the word Adventure chosen to define VST and I. Each month, a chosen word helped me when I floundered. Descriptive words of VST and me. Month 4 the word Adventure was an obvious choice. VST and I were always chasing crazy fun in one way or another. The days flew by, because, we were concreting, building, painting, buying, selling, traveling, and using up every minute of every day. Never was there a day to lounge or study navels. We were on the go 24/7. As I’ve mentioned before, our true mission statement was, “We can sleep when we’re dead.”

One of us is now dead. And it isn’t me. I must say, normal life is a wee bit boring. Okay, really boring.

So on this August day, with “Adventure” looming over me, I made it my task to create one for myself. Still new to driving and not wanting to venture too far, I needed to find something that would take up the better part of a day. Quickly, I decided Lake Tahoe would be involved, being close and inviting.

“The beautiful 1966 Million Dollar Classic Yacht has been around the world and now cruises Lake Tahoe’s pristine waters. Measuring over 70 feet. Luxuriously comfortable. Two hours. $90.” The add hooked me, and within minutes I had booked this cruise for one on a Tuesday at 11. Such a deal, it fit the bill for my first solo adventure.

I had a girlfriend that was envious and wanting to join me, but, this adventure was importantly personal. For many, this wouldn’t even begin to qualify. VST had always scoffed at boating in which he wasn’t the captain. Having plenty of boating experience on his own, he wouldn’t have dreamed of this. All the better for my first solo excursion.

Tuesday came, and after the two hour drive to the marina, arriving early of course, I had time to sit by the water and just BE. I had forgotten how much I missed pine trees, and thought of our little cabin was bittersweet. I had forgotten how much I missed hearing noises in a marina, as I listened to lanyards clanking and flags whipping with the wind. Voices take on a mysterious fluid quality when they come from a few docks down. People forget to use dock voices, especially when husbands and wives are airing differences in how to best perform boating tasks. Justing BEING by the dock was worth the drive as I hid behind my mask, smiling.

The yacht was everything promised. An old girl, stately and solid. The captain and Stewardess were uniformed and friendly. Only ten of us boarded, and I went to the highest point on the boat, to a comfortable little perch. There, I stayed during our voyage, unmasked and free to breathe in the freshest air.

The colors that day were just for me. An American Flag flew proudly from the stern staff. The wake churned right beneath where I sat sipping champagne and snacking. The waters turned from turquoise, to blue, to royal blue, and at the deepest point, midnight with the sparkling wake glistening like stars. The other guests disappeared to the bow, and I was left to enjoy the entire two hours alone with my thoughts and a visual feast of pines, eagles nests, puffy white clouds, and a continuous shore line as the highest of the Sierra Peaks watched over me.

The morning filled me with a peace that had been missing for some time. I felt an independence and freedom in this mini-adventure. If I could make this happen, what other adventures would I be enjoying in the years to come? You can bet your bottom dollar, there will be more.

The captain chose to monitor, navigate, and control the yacht from his upper station where I sat and watched him. As we made our way back around the lake, he pointed out things easily missed. A private tour just for me.

With a glass of champagne and the beauty of the day brightening my mood, I decided on a selfie. I despise pictures. I rarely agree to them. I also despise the time it takes away from a moment when one needs to fumble with phone or camera, while finding just the right shot. I much prefer the memorable images stored in my brain, captured while being fully present. But, at this moment, a selfie was what I chose. Just me. Alone. On my very first solo adventure. Planned and executed on the best day in August. On a million dollar yacht. With my own captain right in front of me on Lake Tahoe.

Adventures come in all shapes and sizes. We’re the ones that determine whether the most mundane activity will be just that or qualify as a mini-adventure. Auntie TJ always says, “Boredom is just another word for lazy.” So. Find your own adventure today. They are there for the taking!

Settled

Settle. To appoint, fix, or resolve definitively and conclusively.

This week, my autumn of independence blows on towards it’s conclusion. The words “settle, settled, and settling” whirl around my brain. Like the leaves I try to rake, they are important parts of my life as it distills, leaving naked truths and core beliefs I must acknowledge. I am no longer stuttering with sobs of grief, although, I miss VST. I don’t find myself angry about the last year with all its mysteries and revelations. This, a most precious time, has become one in which to make choices that are exciting, self affirming, and mine.

Just as the walls of Winterpast are adorned with memories displayed of my choosing, I must now carefully select values suited for the woman I am, and those that will pave my path as I continue on my journey. The days left cannot be anything but a brilliance of my choosing in every aspect. From morning’s dark covers until evening spreads her veil, my every move must be conscious and deliberate, because my days are now short. Life is my most prized possession. It will not be squandered or carelessly ignored as I am now my own firebrand, cheering my soul, strong and beautiful after suffering through the darkest of days.

Settle.

Agree upon (as time, price, conditions).

The desert and I agree her howling winds awaken feelings in me heart. She and I have have settled upon conditions I need to accept. My hair and skin will always lack in moisture. Sand blasting winds sting a bit, rocking the Jeep as I zip here and there. I need to respect her power, the bitch that is the desert. I have found a stark beauty that speaks to my heart in ways I understand. I love her for letting me come in from the cold to rest. She soothes a battered woman that is rebuilding. She and I have settled on our terms and work well together in this place I love so much.

I have accepted and agreed to conditions in which I find myself. Of course, I would have loved my story to have ended in any other way. But, it ended the way it did. Just as things in life cease, new beginnings are possible. Winterpast is dormant now. Frost has stolen it all. The gardener was removing some bushes and plants a few weeks ago. One ugly, lone bush was bare, so I requested that the dead plant be added to the list.

“But, look, Joy,” he showed me, snapping a small branch, “Life is still here.” Yes. He was so right. Dormancy had come early to this little bush, but life was resting deep inside. My new life is embryonic and fragile. Some days, decisions and choices are intoxicating and wild, possibilities endless and exciting. Agreeing and accepting just the right ones can be exhausting, but also exhilarating as I create my own terms.

With days flying by, I see my past life with VST on the stage of my memories. Right now, some things are still best clouded in a mist of perfection, remembering them in gilded beauty, which was woven throughout our lives. But, as in any real marriage, there were peaceful days fractured as life happened. Broken families mending and blending hold a myriad of challenges and bitter splintered dreams. No man is the perfect version of himself in every aspect at all times. VST was no different.

As a reader myself, loving refreshing and fulfilling words, I often look for beauty and an escape from real troubles we all know and have. Perhaps a bit too much of that Pollyanne-ish syrup is poured over the cornflakes of this, my story. It is the totality of our years that, together, resulted in the beautiful life we experienced.

To settle.

Choosing to become romantically involved with someone who is not exactly right, but convenient to be with, as in the best available, because it is easier.

Now, my life lessons are in review. In this, my final chapter, I will be faced with defining personal boundaries. Surrounding me in safety, boundaries will provide a place in which to enjoy life. New Friends are coming into my life now. Neighbors becoming family. Bank associates learning my financial habits while watching out for me. CPA’s and lawyers tending to things in which I am not well versed.

A special friend of a different kind has entered my life. While offering minutes of quiet in which I can take a breath to feel a sense of safety, I have found kindness in MFP. As familiarity grows in sweet moments, I find a bit of relief from the constant need to divert incoming dangers from every direction. This friendship is a soft space to be present, while we overflow with intelligent conversation, laughter, and peace. Our dates are no longer identified by a number, but by brand new memories that are unfolding, slowly and sweetly, one after the other. Settled by the smile I wear when he is around, it is by total choice that we have shared time together. By total choice that our sweet dates continue.

Settle.

In my next chapter as Woman, I won’t settle, even for a moment, because it is easier or just convenient. Editors and Agents will be selected, not taken at first sight. Professional services will be carefully evaluated and chosen when needed. Unwanted influence will not change what I wear, say, or write unless I concur their ideas may enhance my health and life. Judgement, thrown like darts, will simply bounce off this tough crone while sage observations and suggestions will be up for consideration, the final assessment and choices mine, along with consequences. Trusting my inner voice, I won’t settle just because.

My mother-in-love had a saying that would bring me to teary laughter every time. A sweet and ladylike woman, she was also wickedly funny. When conversations had circled enough times about any subject she would stop, and with a delightful smile tell me,

“Joy. You must remember this. The more you stir a turd, the more it stinks.”

In other words. Stop. Don’t overthink or worry for a moment. Let things settle. What is left will be the essence of what’s truly important in any troublesome situation. Flush the rest down. Repeat. Crystalline truths will appear, springing forth from the muck of confusion.

Settled. Settling In. Never settling, just because. Settled with the New. Settled with time. Settled in very sweet arms. Not settled until more is known. Settled with what is, when everything is settled.

Yup. Just like the leaves outside. Churning, whirling, changing, revealing, and then, gone, leaving stark realities behind. I remain. Strong and resilient in happiness that is my life.

Settled. For this moment in time.

Giving Thanks on This Beautiful Eve

Happy Thanksgiving. This was penned last night. Tell those you cherish how much they mean to you. Enjoy………

I have had the most wonderful day. It started with my Ninja Neighbor needing ice for her brine-soaking turkey. Quickly filling a bowl, I hurried to her door, where her brilliant smile welcomed me. Her home, festively decorated, was as inviting as her giggles while we talked. Time stops when we visit, even though she is the one of the busiest people I know. As we stood at her counter, I talked to her about womanly things that are best left between friends. Even though I am twenty years her senior, in some ways, our roles were reversed, with her knowledge so much more worldly than mine. I am grateful that when the moving van arrived, it was next to her that I unpacked. This loveliest of neighbors is friendly, funny, and wise. I love her.

Some days I am so shocked at my ridiculous insecurities. The smallest details can put me in a tailspin, sometimes difficult to right. Having been brought up with feminine ideals founded way before the 1970’s when I was a teenager, wires are crossed with old fashioned thought that was outdated before I set out on my own. Now, fully capable of fielding any problem in this new solitary new life of a Senior Citizen, many decisions are still fraught with hours of personal deliberation. Debating one’s self is exhausting, because which ever side is chosen, the losing side is right there complaining, as well.

I am grateful for patience I’ve found dealing with emotions in my sweet new relationship. I appreciate, even more so, rationale thoughts about the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” with which I sometimes flog myself. Remaining neutral and accepting of each new day has helped me to stay in the present and enjoy every minute. I am thankful for a peaceful heart.

As Oliver sleeps next to me, I’m thankful HE is my dog, sweet and smart. He puts up with my moods and nonsense, while knowing my sense of humor and what will make me perk up a bit. He loves me most sincerely, making sure I get plenty of hugs, as he presses his little body against mine. He listens to my requests and really tries his best to comply, except when garden lights or drip systems are involved, which results in doggie shame. His adorable little soul came to me on a bleak Christmas morning, when I had the ridiculous notion I might find him unsuitable, sending him back home. He was mine from the first hug; the silly puppy he remains.

My kids are slowly checking in with holiday wishes. How blessed I am that they were the ones to be placed in my care. Each one beautiful and sincere. I am so very thankful for their love and worry for me, their mom living so far away. It’s amazing to watch them reflect the parts of their dad and step dad that I miss this holiday, for the very first time. Miles can’t erase sweet memories. I am thankful for their love and concern.

I am thankful for Miss Firecracker, and her wit and wisdom. Today, she will be my dinner guest, as we share turkey and all the trimmings. Although both new widows, our luncheon will be defined by delicious smells and tastes, as we find lots to talk about this holiday. Dear friend that she is, she is such a blessing to me.

I am most Thankful for the woman I am becoming with the sunrise of every new day. I am thankful for every stranger that stepped up this year to hold my hand, or give me a hug when things were at their darkest. I am so thankful for my ability to forge my own path, although blurred through tears at time. I am so very thankful for the day in February when VST and I decided WINTERPAST was to be ours, and ultimately, mine.

I am thankful for the years of being a Wife to my lovable VST. I am thankful for all I have learned as I was forced into the position of Widow, not of my choosing. I am thankful for the my present role as Woman, with many more experiences just around the bend. This is the best of times for us all to be thankful. Blessings do abound, we just need to stop and count them. Giving Thanks on this Thanksgiving Eve has set my brain in the right mode to find sleep and sweet dreams.

For you, my readers, please have a wonderful Thanksgiving Day. For my International readers, a day of thanks always lifts the spirit. Thank you for following my blog and helping my dreams become a reality.

Tennis Balls

Oliver and I are a lot alike. Doesn’t take much to amuse us or make us happy. This morning, while finishing my first cup of coffee, Ollie had taken real interest in his toy drawer. This drawer hasn’t been opened much lately. It holds toys picked out when Ollie was a puppy. His “brother”, a blue dachshund, only made it this long because I protect him from Ollie’s jaws. I may not have mentioned the fact that Ollie is an extremely destructive dog.

Ollie chews through the indestructible. Nylabones last minutes. Deer antlers take a wee bit longer, but not much. Oliver dismantles the most adorable cloth toys in search of the squeaker inside. No matter how many hours the two of us have discussed this, Oliver cannot help himself. In most ways, he is still just a dog.

This morning, I found his favorite tennis ball and gave it to him. One of his games is to take it next to a cabinet and push it under. He then will stare woefully at me. He turns on the guilt, never moving a muscle. Extreme puppy eye contact will work every time, and he knows this. I always get his ball for him. At this, he finds humor of the best kind. This game can go on all day, so the balls usually get put away with the other toys after awhile.

Chewy’s sells bigger balls that have a squeaker in them. So, this morning, I remembered I had two in the garage. After braving the cold, he had a brand new one. In two minutes, the squeaking apparatus was removed and eaten. Just like that. Even being a dog, Oliver never forgets the important things.

For me, there are the simplest things that keep me entertained for hours, just as the ball does for Ollie. Obviously, the first is my keyboard or journal. If I have one or the other, time matters not. I can amuse myself for hours. As the months have settled me, I have so much to say before my time expires. “Writing is life.” This bold statement opened a 5th Grade student’s essay, penned in class. She had started writing at 5. I took a little longer, however, we both knew our heart’s truth. Writing is life.

Just as Ollie chases his tennis ball until exhaustion overtakes him, I find words and stories waiting to be told. Just the other day, a girlfriend was telling me that she wished she had an exciting life like mine about which to write. We had a long discussion about the fact that plain life is exciting. Everyone has a story to tell. It is in the telling the true excitement lies. The Joy of Storytelling.

Ollie needs very little. Two meals a day. Fresh water. A bathroom with a clean pee pad and a door that closes. A safe place to rest. A toy or two. Me to love him up. Oliver is a happy camper with the basic needs met.

As I count my blessings, and look at what I really need, the list gets shorter every day. Eliminated are most things girly-girls desire, such as jewels, purses, shoes, and other possessions, having tired of those things long ago. I have always been much more interested in a well designed shovel, or leather boots that keep my feet warm when I am outside working. Levi 50l’s were my favorite jeans for so many years, when my figure looked so adorable in them. Much to my mother’s horror, her fourth daughter was a renegade, who shunned the more feminine accoutrements of life.

What I need most of all, I have. My kiddos (which are definitely not kids but successful adults) shower me with their worries and concern, while loving me for no reason at all except that they do. They are there at the ready, letting me find my way. They keep me in texts and GIFS. They hold the memories with me that make us a family. They share my grief, but also our happy memories. I can count on them and they can count on me. A good team we make.

As girlfriends go, mine are the bestest BESTIES in the world. The kind that get a sixth sense and call me when they have no way of knowing I am sprouting shingles. The kind that hold their tongue when I am going off on the road to crazy town, until I get to the turn, where they shout loudly. They giggle when I have new stories about a certain MFP who has the best eyes that gaze rather than avert. Although Oliver knows ALL my secrets, my BESTIES know a good portion and they still like me

I am now thankful that people from around the world are enjoying my writing. Never in my wildest dreams did I think someone from Saudi Arabia, Brazil, or India would find my words worth reading. It is amazing to think my night readers are having their morning coffee somewhere in the world, as they check in to read my words. I am so thankful for you, from wherever you may be reading.

I have every physical comfort I need and more. Plus a great shovel. It doesn’t get better than that. My gratitude journal overflows on this, Thanksgiving week, 2020. AS we all hold on for relief in 2021, counting blessings is a way to pass the time. Oliver is asleep clutching his new tennis ball. Time for me to get another cup of coffee. Oliver and I have the best things in common. Comforting to know I have some things just right.

On this Thanksgiving Week, I am going to re-run my first three blogs. I hope you enjoy revisiting them. Please take time to hug those you love, and save one for yourself. I will return with a new posting on Friday.

As always, I can be reached at Gg202071548@gmail.com. Happy Thanksgiving!

Time and The Memorial — Part 8

Although we were under the 30 minute maximum time allotment set for the service, it felt like an eternity had just ended. My legs felt jello-ed and unsure as I sank into the chair, welcoming others to take over for me.

When we, as a family, had decided the order of presenters, I had made one thing clear. I could not speak after my sweet Grandson’s song, Amazing Grace. After anyone else, I could find my voice and speak. I was pretty sure after he sang my requested song, practiced for two months with his vocal coach, I would be a sobbing mess. So, I needed to speak first. How unthoughtful I was not to realize anyone speaking or singing after me would be in the same boat.

This charming young man of 16 years, over 6 feet and yet, still the little boy I had watched grow his entire life, stood to take his place. The music started and so did he. Emotions were so raw with the ten of us sitting together. The reality of VST’s passing was something we were all dealing with, each one sobbing at different times during the service. Now, sorrow overtook him and his voice was robbed with tears taking its place. This young man, who had been acting in an adult ensemble for two years, could not act his way out of true, absolute, and raw grief for the Grandfather he loved so much.

It was at that point, I never loved My son-in-love more. For, with a Father’s sense of their son in need, he stood with him, and immediately put his arm around his weeping child. With internal strength and will that came for the depths of his soul, my Grandson started to sing a duet with his dad, after wiping tears to soldier through. Again, he was betrayed by his mourning soul, buckling under the weight of sadness and now, the surprise of the onslaught of these raw and powerful emotions. It was at that moment I could not allow him to be there alone with his Dad. I joined them on the other side. As the three of us cried through the song, we conquered it as a tribute to our family. A final tribute to VST. In that moment, the entire group in attendance, each and every person, was moved to their knees, while witnessing pure love in action. It was a moment that is etched in my soul.

The song completed, emotional surprises continued. K moved to the front with a large gift bag. We had not planned this part of the ceremony together as it was a surprise for me. She began to talk of VST’s love for me, and their love for me as well. It was then she produced a framed picture. Weeks before, she had asked if I would send her a particular picture of VST I had taken at a lake near Mammoth. The picture was one of my favorites, and really, one of the few we stopped to take of each other. We were always so fluid and busy in our outings, that we never stopped long enough to capture ourselves by camera. On this picture, K had inscribed part of the dedication VST had made in his doctoral dissertation.

The inscription read…….

“Words cannot express my gratitude, respect, and love for my darling wife and my best friend, Joy, whose continued support and encouragement made this dissertation possible.”

This beautiful gift was an emotional hug to me. As I sat stunned, her bag wasn’t yet emptied. She went on to produce an even sweeter present. K had made a Hugging Pillow out of one of VST’s dress shirts. How many days had he rushed home the back way, deeply troubled by things he had dealt with at work. Zigging and zagging, he had one mission. To return to me. How many days I had hugged that man-filled shirt and felt the tensions of the days dissipate. I was reduced to sobs as I clutched it to my chest. The beauty of these gifts makes me weep still today. I cherish my sweet daughter so much.

Masonic friends made a special presentation of a Widow’s pin, complete with instructions on when and how to wear it. As they stood encircling me, I felt their presence and the love and respect they felt for their Masonic brother. I am so blessed with the love of so many friendships VST forged.

Finally, the time had come. With my girlfriends bringing out beautiful balloons, it was time to release them into the heavens. Because no matter our grief and wishes that it were not so, it was time to Let Go, and Let God. With a Happy Birthday, we released 66 beautifully colored balloons heavenward. As they danced their up into the bright blue sky, the beauty of the moment stunned everyone. For a moment time stopped, and there a most delicate Good Bye symbolized as their colors became smaller and smaller, until they were finally all out of sight.

The beauty and healing of the ceremony created by my family and I has been fully described through my writing, inadequate and stumbling. The love required to make that day possible, started so very long ago, with a guy not much more than a boy himself and his girlish-gal grabbing love and holding on for dear life. In an explosion, over the 32 years we were together, we created something grand and unique unto its own. Our Family.

We did alright, Dr. H. Smile down and be proud. You are missed every day. We send you love. We will see you again someday, and until then, Fare Thee Well.

Time and the Memorial — Part 7 — Revisited

With pride, strength, and beauty, I was honored to offer this beautiful eulogy in honor of VST. It was the hardest of things to do, but in my own way, I needed to say Good Bye in this public way. VST was a nickname given by my outrageously funny and wonderful God Mother, TJ. It made him blush when he found out what the letters stood for, and once that happened, it was too delicious of a name to abandon. His name is something I hold very dear and close, and for now, he will remain VST or Dr. H.

My Dr. H was a man for all seasons. Trustworthy and loyal, fun and loving. He touched lives wherever he went. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy!” was his theme song. He treasured every beautiful memory made with his family.

Born on July 15, 1954, he shared his happy childhood memories often. As a boy, he was an adventurous soul. In Kindergarten, he repeatedly fell from his bike cutting his sizable forehead several times. This resulted in wearing a helmet to Kindergarten, and earning the nickname “Crash”.

When VST was in 2nd grade, his family planted their roots in the countryside of Central California. He was brought up to love God and Country, and of course, Country Western Music. During our travels together, in excess of a million miles over almost 33 years, I learned to love so many songs that Terry had listened to as a child with his beloved Grandpa. Some of my favorite titles included “This Old House” and “Great Ball’s in Cow Town”, along with ” On The Wings of a Dove”. Through the years, his love of music grew, and soon he played bass guitar in a garage band with friends.

During these years, his family would often vacation on the Central Coast of California to escape the hot valley summers. He loved body surfing and fishing off the pier with his dad. Through the years, he never lost his love for the ocean, and we visited there often, our last trip being in November, 2019. One of this last wishes, spoken just days before he died, was that he wanted to return to the ocean just once more. Me, too, VST, me, too.

In the 8th grade, a coach realized that he would benefit from football as much as the high school team would benefit from having him. He fell in love with the sport and played on winning teams for four years. He was an immediate star, enjoying football and friends. He earned his Letterman’s jacket quickly and was a leader among the other players.

During his sophomore year, settled with friends and football, he was struggling with his German class. Fifty years ago, in 1970, he transferred into choir. Music AND girls!! Win! Win! It was there he met me, a lowly freshman. Our sweet and golden friendship grew until he graduated in 1972.

Although receiving requests to play football for many colleges, VST had other plans. He started his work career early in life doing odd jobs at the parts house where his dad worked. Being smart, strong, and gifted, he learned about mechanics early on. His super power of analytical thinking allowed him to fix anything after giving the situation thought. He bought his own car and loved having responsibilities and his own money.

VST married at 18, and at the age of 21, became the fathers of twins, a boy and a girl. In 1979, another daughter was born, completing his little family. His children were the light of his life. That never changed through the years and their days together made memories he cherished deeply.

During those years, VST became employed by a John Deere tractor dealership servicing the Central Valley. In 26 years, he rose from Field Mechanic to Service Manager, and then finally, to a trusted and valued Store Manager of a multi-million dollar business. He was known and respected nationally and internationally for his knowledge of all aspects of John Deere tractors. Before retiring, he won many awards and his name is legendary in the farming world of the central valley of California. He was the guy farmers wanted to deal with.

But, as life often does, things changed unexpectedly and quickly, VST was divorced. At 30 years old a new chapter opened and he enjoyed the freedom of new friends and opportunities. While devastated emotionally and financially, he turned to God for strength and moved towards his bright and promising future.

On September 5, 1987, VST was a bachelor with no thoughts of ever marrying again. He owned a brand new home and had settled in as a loving father, enjoying his children when they were together, be it camping or at the beach. He was a tall drink of water, handsome and full of himself.

Deciding to attend our high school class reunion, VST met up with me again. I, too, was devastated by divorce and quite happy in my own solitary life with my own two young sons. Things were about to change.

After a date, in which I burned the dinner while I babysat three active chidren, we both felt this could be something more than friendship. Familiar and safe. Our friendship from long before was alive and well. Eleven days later, he proposed and I said , “Yes!”

We exchanged vows on Janaury 23, 1988 and remained devoted to each other for 32 years. We were best friends, parents, lovers, business partners, confidants, and each other’s hired hand when we couldn’t afford real ones. We were dream makers and doers. To say we were soul mates doesn’t even begin to describe our love story.

As a step father, VST provided a stable, wonderful example to my two young sons. I could never thank him enough for helping me raise them. I can never thanks his three children enough for sharing their dad with us. The seven of us had special times while they were growing up. It was hard for outsiders to decide who belonged to whom. Just a mass of kids getting into the red VW Van to go on adventures.

When we met, VST had three college credits. From 1988-2001. he earned his Bachelor and Master’s degree, both with thesis required. He then became a Doctor of Psychology in Organizational Development in 2003. This was done while working 8-5, raising 5 kids, farming 40 acres of grapes (without hired help), and going to Hawaii or the Sacramento Delta whenever the whim struck us, which was often.

In 1990, we bought our beloved vintage Thompson Seedless vineyard. There, we raised our kids and made a lovely home for his parents to join us. Many nights throughout our 17 years on the ranch were spent enjoying “therapy” on their porch. The four of us were best friends and even better neighbors, only needing to run across the drive to borrow a cup of sugar, or a needed hug. During those days, VST and I could and did count on the kids to come help with the ranch work. He always said, “There’ll be time to sleep when we’re dead.” It became our mission statement.

VST was always the one to wait up for the boys to get home on date nights. He watched to make sure his flock was safe and loved. Farming provided our family with a wonderful life. Soon, the five kids were grown professionals, all on journeys of their own.

We had the dream life of which fairy tales are made. From beautiful children growing up strong, smart, and healthy, to farming grapes and shaking raisins. From sailing in the Pacific to mountain retreat renovations. From western sky sunsets over the vineyard to sipping tropical drinks in Waikiki, when we were the only lovers on the entire moonlit beach. From beautiful new family members welcomed through marriage to gorgeous grandchildren making us proud every day. Blessings showered upon us like spring rains. Steady and Abundant.

During his third career, VST worked in Social Services. For 11 years, he helped countless battered women, foster children, and abused children and elders. He loved his work and was held in high esteem throughout the state.

After retirement and a move to VC, a new adventure unfolded for us. A Street was a stunning and inviting place to enjoy family, friends, and each other. VST walked four miles a day for most of the time we lived there and was known for residents as the Bionic Cowboy, always sporting his heavy knee braces and sharp cowboy hat. He made countless friends throughout our time there with his smooth drawl and great wit.

VST became a Master Mason through the VC lodge and cherished his friendships, duties, and memories. He also became a Knight Templar.

VST’s brief, devastating illness brought an unthinkable reality to us, after three wonderful years of travel around the country as feral parents in our RV. Through our years together, either in our rig, by car, or by plane, we visited Hawaii, Colorado, Minnesota, Maryland, Louisiana, Missouri, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Texas, Wyoming, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Oregon, Washington, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, Iowa, Tennessee, Arizona, Utah, Washington, DC, Kentucky, California, and Nevada. He finally found his real, true dog in Sir Oliver, Gentleman of Ashworth Hall, who grieves deeply when he catches a whiff of VST from an old possession while missing his frequent walks on the pier with his best bud.

In the last days of VST’s healthy life, we found our final home together. We were both excited to start a new chapter. But Cancer won.

In closing, let it be known that a name has been chosen for this, my final home. This home, chosen together, will now and forever be known as WINTERPAST, taken from the Bible, King Solomon, Chapter 2 — 10-14

My beloved said to me,

Arise my love, my beautiful one, and come away.

For behold, the winter is past;

The rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth,

And the time of singing has come.

The voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree ripens its figs and the vines are in blossom;

They given forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my beautiful one and come away.

Oh my dove, in the clefts of the rock in the crannies of the cliff,

Let me see your face, let me hear your voice,

For, your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.

As I finished this eulogy, this yard, so lovingly created by people I never met, surrounded me with peace and a knowing heart that VST was safe now. It was done. It would be up to my children and grandchildren to finish with the last bit of the Memorial. Because, truly, more was not in me. They took over, and the celebration continued in the most beautiful way I could ever have imagined.

Time and The Memorial — Part 6

Friends and family are such a beautiful statement of love and support. On this the darkest of days, as I sat in the center of the first row of chairs, I looked upon the loving group of friends that VST and I had gathered through the years. These earth angels had come today for me, out of love. They had braved the Covid storm, and sat waiting for the service we had created. And, we began.

T, the first to speak, introducing all of us. He was eloquent in a controlled and firm voice so like his dad’s. With his heart shattered to bits, he remained strong and deliberate in his welcome and introductions. I was so proud of him, knowing how shy he is and how he protects his heart while playing tough guy in his 6’6″ body. T is the embodiment of his dad’s heart. A reflection of the best masculine qualities of VST. He is K’s other half, literally, as they are twins.

When T finished, My sweet son, J, who was unable to attend due to Covid and the travel restrictions that made it impossible, began. The kids put their heads together and brought J into the service through technology. Through the strength God gave him, he delivered a beautiful prayer of blessing to us. To hear his voice was such a comfort on this the hardest day for us all. His voice projected the strength God promises all of us, as we make our way using FAITH as our North Star.

K was next. She had chosen a poem about her dad, which was eerily written for someone else, while being a perfect description of VST and his role in his children’s life. She read with a strength and love that came from nerves of steel, also a gift from her father. K is and will always be the most crystal clear reflection of the beautiful feminine qualities her dad possessed. VST embodied gentleness, grace, charm, and maternal as well as paternal qualities. He was a blend of his own parents, with a heavier dose of his mom, my mother-in-love. While leaning on K and T throughout this the nightmare of 2020, I have found reflections of their dad in ways they project with no conscious effort. They have leaned on me for many memories of him, created when we were selfishly being our feral parent selves. Between the three of us, we have created a triangle of love and support that is unique to us. As she spoke her words, again, I felt the tears of my angel in the pride he had for this most beautiful of women, his beloved DAUGHTER.

Now, with a prayer to lean on, it was now up to me. When VST had died three months prior, I knew I would be the one to give his eulogy. Who better? We had spent almost every free moment together since that September day long ago when neither of us wanted to be at that Class Reunion. He cocky and bold, with women following him around the venue like flies. Me, a hauty beauty who had built impenetrable walls around my heart after years of trusting untrustworthy hyenas. We had been duel wrecking balls to each others emotional defense lines. A seemingly immediate alliance was forged into something so strong, nothing but death would have ended it, even with the most destructive troubles knocking at our door from time to time.

We were oxygen and acetylene, producing a flame in whatever direction we chose. We cut through IMPOSSIBLES while sculpting WE DID IT’S. We were the unassuming power couple that no one would believe existed anywhere. We may not have always produced the prettiest welds, but, they were real and strong. In those areas that we couldn’t come together, and there were plenty, we accepted our differences along the way. Because, life without an US would be unthinkable. It wouldn’t be life. Not ours, anyway.

Just a man with normal flaws, VST was my everything for 33 years. He never changed from that tall drink of water that I saw from across the way on September 5, 1987. I saved our clothes from that night all those years ago. On mornings I need an extra boost, I wear his shirt sometimes. A hug from the other side, and a memory of our dance that first night, his arms strong and sure, holding me next to his heart. A dance in which there were no others in the universe for a split second, just us spinning towards such a lovely life. Only a second’s worth, because with life’s battle scars, at that time, titles of bachelor and bachelorette were all we embraced while being filled with anger and wounds.

But, with a simple call, and conversation, a burnt dinner, and lots laughter, we had melted together. Like dropping food color in a glass of water, at first the differences sometimes seemed insurmountable. As the years past, we became an exquisite shade of blue diamonds. The hardest compound on earth. Stubborn. Tenacious. Unyielding. An undying love, until death closed our story.

I stood before all these people. His blue urn displayed on a patio table we bought at Costco years before. We, in our grief, were sitting in the very yard VST and I had dreamed in when choosing it on February 23rd, 2020. Present were friends we ate many meals with. We camped with. We laughed with. Did target practice with. Shared political views with. Found respect and love with. Friends and family who were most important to us.

Slowly, I rose to stand before them, script in hand. As I cleared my head of raw emotion, I again found my voice. And I began.

To Be Continued…………

Time and The Memorial — Part 5

Joni Mitchell wakes me on mornings when I use my alarm. Her’s the sweet voice singing about the Hissing of Summer Lawns has brought me back from slumber for years. Even VST, and his intense Country Western preference, found the song a pleasant way to awaken. July 15, 2020, I would have rather remained cocooned in sleep, but knew the hours would evaporate quickly to bring me to 10am and honors for my late husband.

Caffeine and a steamy shower cleared away dreamy cobwebs, as I remembered back in time. January 23, 1988. A beautiful bride to be, I had a morning full of bath bubbles and pampering. Matron of Honor, Mother, Sisters, God Mother, Aunts, and dear girlfriends brought their love and support to me and my jittery mood. Just as the last few months had held doubts from everyone we knew and loved, it brought pensive thoughts to VST and I, as well. On that day, our two young souls, (not realizing we were kids at the time), were betting everything we had on the future life planned but yet unwritten.

Now, shower fog cuddled me on this a day I needed to hold everything together. My life completed as VST’s wife would be honored today in the richest service family and friends could provide. I refused to be the weakest link in this beautiful chain of love.

As I stood blowing my hair dry, a vision of me gazed back that I would now need to embrace fully. A beautiful new Life Story would be written in which I reach my full potential, racing to the finish line on my own terms. I, quite normal in appearance, would become an embodiment of my destiny. With the focus my own choosing, it was now up to me.

DA Girl and CC were awake, talking and giggling while filling 66 birthday balloons with helium. Life and laughter filled the house as I joined them. Static electricity raised our hair with each balloon as we filled and tied them with long ribbons. Each balloon had it’s own peculiar shape and color, reminding me of the thousands of stories VST and I had lived throughout our lives together. A beautiful rainbow of experiences unique to us were left to comfort my broken heart as they slowly helped patch the cracks. Everyone agreed, it was a rare life we managed to create and nurture. Later today, those balloons would race to the heavens, released in tribute to the fleeting days of life’s song in the instantaneous dance of eternity.

Slowly, layer after layer completed my look for the day. Black on black, insecurity under a facade of “All Systems a Go, Full Steam Ahead.” No matter what occurred, a mural of memories would be the result of this beautiful day.

At 8:00am, with a knock on the door, Toni brought in more life in the form of gorgeous floral arrangements, corsages, and boutonnieres. Through tears I saw that she had captured the essence of the day in flowers, because, as we all know, PEOPLE NEED FLOWERS. Lovingly created for our family, the expression of her skills and love of profession were more than evident. I took her to the backyard to see rows of chairs, tent-shaded family facing South and patio-shaded guests facing North, everyone facing the blue urn between them.

We then visited the RV barn, luncheon ready and waiting for guests. She quietly touched a table cloth and commented on the creative way VST was remembered in this space. We hugged and cried together for the briefest moment in cavernous garage still so new to me. A place where just weeks before, a 2018 Winnebago Intent had been parked. Odometer — 30,200 miles. An RV, in which after such a loss, I could only spend short, painful moments before feeling strangled with grief.

All at once there were kids, grand kids, and friends everywhere. Subway sandwiches, chips, and cupcakes arrived. Bottled water was iced. Family chairs were wiped down, after being sprinkled because I had turned off the wrong controller. Helpful busy hands lovingly finished everything just in time.

When the guests started arriving, T’s adorable wife, M, greeted them with her million dollar smile and great hugs. Documented in the guest book, friends signed a photo mat that framed the most beautiful picture K had captured on the deck of VC. A stunning, cloud filled sunrise with VST’s cane and hat at the rail. At 10:00 am, everyone was in place. Family and friends were all waiting to celebrate this man who held a different role in all our lives. Husband, father, grandfather, and friend. Life mate, help mate, business partner, Masonic Brother, Child of God.

Our beautiful yard, my WINTERPAST, suddenly become a holy place in which the rays of sunshine reminded me that life is so beautiful. The sound of the rustling leaves, deep verdant green, were whispering, “You’ve got this. You go, Beautiful Woman.” Weeping organic tears, we all were there to say Good Bye in our own different ways.

And so, it began………

To Be Continued.

Time and The Memorial — Part 4

Tuesday was a day of arrivals. DA Girl came first, bringing her light, laughter, excitement, and energy. I have known her decades, sharing every detail of my life as we raised our kids and ourselves through the years. We would have long visits every five weeks, right on schedule. I would save up the most important events to tell her and she would remember, with that steel trap brain of hers, right where we left off. She is the sweetest and most genuine friend a girl could have, my DA.

CC and DA have become friends now, so, the three of us would be staying in the house together. The kids and grand kids would find bunking at the local hotel. It just worked that way with bed space and bathroom accommodations, and everyone was gracious and accepting of our plan.

After T and K arrived with their families, there came a whirlwind of final tasks being completed. The RV barn became a thing of beauty with light blue tables and manly-man centerpieces all ready for guests. On the rungs of an 8 ft. ladder, lay the educational achievements of VST, with his Doctoral Hood, Mortar Board, and gown hanging from the top. His portable table saw held family photos and mementos. Even the snow shovel from VC made the cut.

The walls of the RV barn were now a tapestry of my favorite pictures from the house. Our life was splattered on those high walls. The five kids and their Senior pictures. VST and I on our wedding day, and from that day on. Pictures chronicling our growth and the deepening of that young love that started on a prayer, and ended so cruelly at Cancer’s whim. The whole story was told on the walls.

In weeks prior, each day, I would find myself taking another thing out of the house and hanging it up in the barn. Assessing my progress, I wanted to be sure that every year together was remembered and shared on July 15th. The Sunday before, when I was alone in the barn, having made many trips carrying more and more memorabilia, I crumpled, like a wad of paper. As hiccuppy tears ran down the ugly cry face, it hit me. I was bringing more and more things to collectively represent what I lost when he left. I could cover the 20 x40 wall with every last picture I owned. VST was gone and not going to magically appear when I had just the right number. A cry I won’t ever forget, a widow’s moment so private and tortured, we will let it rest.

With family and friends now in place, and the biggest Round Table package I could order, everyone was eating, laughing, and enjoying each other. Gal in Grace came over to add to the fun. It was as if time had somehow gone back to happier days, with stories and memories overflowing. The grand kids were so perfectly beautiful, each one coming to hug me in just their own way, wide eyed and happy to help. I could feel VST’s pride as he watched this unfold.

Some of our were kids and grand kids were missing, stolen by Covid’s threat. Distance and travel requirements made their presence impossible, and they were deeply missed. We embraced those present and remembered those that were unable to attend, while filling our faces with the best pizza ever.

Finally, the moment I had been awaiting arrived. Through the years, we had collected pictures. Hundreds of them. I had prepared two packets of very special pictures for T and K. Here’s the deal. In a regular family, possessions and pictures are collected from the beginning. There’s no question of their dispersal when the time comes. Everything belongs to everyone. In a blended family, the rules are a bit different. VST and I joined after the kids were born. Some belongings that I cherished for 32 years were not mine to keep. They belonged to the kids. VST’s family heirlooms belonged to his children, not me.

The most precious of these were their baby pictures. Before another hour went by, those pictures would be in the hands of their rightful owners, safe and sound.

As packages were presented and opened, the scene became magical. Everyone clustered together looking at pictures never before seen. OOhhhhh’s and AAAhhh’s from the kids (who are not kids, but very grown-up adults), and grand kids (aged 10-19). Every age found something fascinating. The GK’s were wanting to know stories while the kids were happily sharing them. The love on the patio that summer evening was the most healing thing we all needed. At that point, VST was weeping softly, his heavenly tears felt in my heart. This was a moment from that week that is among the most precious we created. It comforts me on nights that sleep eludes me. It was the first time I saw with my own eyes, physical embodiment of the word FAMILY and the one we had created over the years against all odds. More precious than all the treasures VST left me to care for. This one is eternal.

That Tuesday night, we stood on the Threshold of Wednesday morning in a mass of hugs and tears. Ready or not, there was no turning back.

To Be Continued…………..

Time and the Memorial – Part 3

July 13th, 2020 arrived like any other high desert day, blue sky-ed sunny. It was going to be a beautiful week of perfect weather. In the back yard, the temperature stayed pleasant in the morning. With a 10:00am service, we would be in the shade of the RV barn by the time it became uncomfortably warm.

Details were checked off the master list. Tables and chairs were in the RV barn, with tablecloths and other essentials still packaged and awaiting placement. Plenty of nervous, helpful hands would arrive to set up the tables and chairs when the kids came the next evening. CC, my dear and beautiful life time friend would be arriving in the afternoon to help assess the progress and advise on what else needed to be finished.

Toni’s Floral was confirmed for a Wednesday 8am delivery. The guest picking up the sandwiches at 9am was on point. Cupcakes were ordered from the Raley’s. My normal Walmart run was full of the essentials needed for a house full of company. The kitchen was going to be used as little as possible until Thursday morning, when all this would be in the rear view mirror.

The centerpieces were a stroke of genius, the most fitting tribute to my Handy Man. VST LOVED his tools, as any guy does, and tools he had. Cabinet upon cabinet of them. Air tools. Hand tools. Plug in sanders. Vices. A Sawzall. Table saws. Hand saws. Saw Horses. The list was endless. For years, we owned multiple houses, with concurrent projects at each one, requiring the purchase of duplicate tools and devices. Hence, the garage was overflowing. His tools were VST’s favorite possession.

The oldest ones were from his days as a mechanic at the John Deere Dealership in Fresno. This was the home of his first career, starting at a young tender age as a field mechanic, and working his way up through the ranks to retirement as the store manager after 26 years of service. During this time, VST would engrave his initials on each Craftman’s wrench and anything else that might walk away. He always prided himself in not needing to buy extremely expensive tools, because a real knowledgeable technician would be able to fix things beautifully with less.

I LOVE these tools. They came to live with me when we married. I have watched, through project after project, as the need for a specialty item would arrive. It didn’t matter, be it automotive or construction, the reaction was the same. He would stop and think carefully. I could see him going through an inventory thousands of items long in that big old brain of his. He would stop and, always, in the same way, a clever smile would cross his face, and he would say, “Hang on, Darlin'”. He would dive into just a certain drawer or cabinet and come out with the exact thing needed. He saved every bolt, nut, and wire, because, in his words…..”You just never know……..” These tools are hard for me to look at some days. Other days, I go in the garage just to be near them again. For me, tools are extremely sexy. Knowing how to use them skillfully, even more so.

Over the weekend, I had found the wrench drawer, packed full with set upon set of wrenches, varying in signs of use. From the tiniest to the ones I needed two hands to lift, I filled a bucket with them and went into the kitchen. Lovingly, I washed each one with Dawn. It cuts the grease off anything, right? Sure did. Then, I filled my dishwasher with the fairly clean wrenches, one cycle leaving them gleaming.

For Centerpieces, each table had a combination of wrenches, sockets, a measuring tape, and a few pliers and other miscellaneous tools. On the tables were snack size bags of Peanut M&M’s, his favorite food to munch on when figuring out his next project. There were also individual bags of almonds, his next favorite food. The centerpieces sat on baby blue tablecloths, bringing a smile to anyone that really knew VST. This captured memories of the beauty he brought into the world with his projects, lovingly designed and expertly crafted.

Monday afternoon, the party began with my bestie, CC arriving first. After such a long drive, we got takeout and enjoyed a terrific visit. It was a special evening for just us two. So many things to talk about and remember, we chatted into the night. CC had been there at the very beginning, she and I being partners in crime since our children were babies.

One of the funniest memories was something that occurred right after VST and I had moved into our first new home in December of 1987. A doctor had built it for his wife in the 50’s and it was a step back in time, down to the blue and white tiled kitchen. One would expect June Cleaver to come around the corner, with every detail decade specific to mid-century modern decor. We had assumed the loan on the house, it being at the outside limit of our budget. With 5 children, ages 6, 8, 8, 11, and 11, the backyard Olympic size in-ground swimming pool complete with diving board was perfect for us.

The Master Bedroom was over the garage, with a set of stairs leading to it from the family room. Upstairs, the large bedroom had a spacious bathroom, also 50’s style. The louvered door going into the bathroom wasn’t sound proof. There were spaces between the slats through which something could be slipped.

With the quick engagement and wedding planned with the speed of light, many were counting on their fingers, sure that baby number 6 would be along shortly. Not to worry. I think that was one of the first 10 questions we covered. “Do you want another child?” The resounding and simultaneous “NOOOOOO!” was comforting to us both. The family we would blend were the exact children sent from God to our care. Our new family was perfect as it was. Five was a wonderful number.

CC had reservations, as did everyone. Two crazy 30-somethings meet at the class reunion, propose and accept marriage, and three months later are getting hitched and buying a house. The betting odds were definitely against us.

On the December day in question, I was upstairs using the bathroom. From the throne, there was a direct view of the closed louvered door. I was in a very intense conversation with CC when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the biggest Rambo Knife I had every seen sliding through a space between slats. Slowly. Deliberately. The knife I had never seen before was sinister. Evil. Grooves for blood letting. At least 18″ long, or so it seemed. Up and down, through the slat it moved without any sound.

“CC”, I whispered in the softest voice. “VST is pushing a huge knife through the door.”

“Whattttttt? Joy, how well do you know him? Are you okay? Do you need help?”

The conversation kept going, all heard by VST on the other side of the door, who was getting boyhood HaHa’s out of the entire situation. He finally ceased and went away. Boy, did he catch hell while he just looked at me. Laughing, he pulled me close, and gave me the best kiss to calm me down. That boy was a prankster, loving every bit of it.

Monday came to a quiet end. Tomorrow, DA Girl would arrive, along with T and K, and 5 of the grandchildren. It would be then everything would start to gel and become more real. There was no stopping this train. The thoughts and plans of the last three months were now visible and a reality. Chairs were in place. Everyone was ready. Was I?

To Be Continued…….

Time Changes Everything

3 pm is neither time for lunch, nor dinner. In the cautionary world of Covid , it’s a respectable time to get a cup of coffee at a diner, bear-ly full of anyone. A quiet time for a cyber friend to materialize. A stranger, species unknown. Nothing much happens at 3 pm around home. Oliver is usually restless, knowing his 4pm dinner is right around the corner. By 3 pm, the day has become what will be documented in my personal journal. 3pm is neither time for lunch, nor dinner .

Waiting in the parking lot, so many thoughts swirled in my oceanic brain. Mental tides, ebbing back and forth over tide pools full of things needing to be done and undone. Wrongs. Rights. Truths that just needed accepting. Opportunities missing and missed. Full moon brain waves streaming, enhanced by 80’s songs on the radio, I watched cars flow East and West on Main Street. Everyone hurrying to squeeze the last little bit out of the day before nightfall. I sat waiting patiently, being one with a moment of thought.

There is a time for masks and a time to take them off in this Covid adventure in which we find ourselves. Arrival and introductory niceties finished and with the help of the sweetest waitress, we were guided to our table. The time, about 3:15pm. There, at that table, the beginning of a new moon cycle began. The topics flowed easily at our table by the window. In the beginning, sun wasn’t an issue until it was necessary to lower the blinds a bit, as it dropped in the Western horizon. Ebbing and flowing, the words never stopped. Back and forth. Coming forth, sharing information that took us back to important times in our separate lives. Talking and listening. Listening and talking. The moment took center stage.

The waitress deserves a huge tip. I plan to return today to add to that and hug her. I may even speak to her manager. Adorable as she was, she kept us in liquid and food. She smiled ever so sweetly sensing this table was just a little different. After the 4th or 5th attempt to take our order while getting nowhere, she simply told us to flag her down when we were ready.

I guess there was a 4pm and a 5pm yesterday. Pretty sure of it, because by 5:30, the blinds didn’t need to be down anymore. Darkness had settled. 6 pm? 7pm? By this time, I think I had eaten an egg, some bacon, and toast. Way too many cups of coffee were consumed. As late afternoon flowed into early evening, the hours ticked away. I found out so many interesting things about this person, his species seeming familiar. The waitress totally gave up on us, we, the couple that had taken over the table by the window. 8 pm? Still talking. Around 8:30 pm, or so, with reluctance, we needed to leave the table by the window, to sneak into the night and back to our own lives.

The time change has been very hard on me this year. Added hours of darkness have set me on edge, increasing my anxiety about the approaching depths of winter. Moonlight through a harmless apple tree plays like a Stephen King-ish movie through my bedroom blinds. Bitter winds have arrived, along with frigid loneliness. Affirmations of personal success and happiness fill the void and keep the jackals of despair at bay. Creating and attaining my unique dreamscape is now MY responsibility, and I am finding it is yet another skill I possess.

Around 8:30pm last night, a gentleman escorted me to my Jeep Wrangler, opening the door for me, after meeting for coffee at 3 pm. He stood well within my personal space and yet didn’t overstep any boundaries. With a brief and respectful hug, the night swept me back home. Hard to say how long we could have talked without revisiting stories of travels, life, family, and memories. We are two extremely interesting, well traveled people that enjoyed coffee and a late lunch/early dinner, at 3pm, when nothing much ever happens. I have identified his species as Friend. I, too, claim Friend as mine, because in life as I know it, there is nothing more important that that.

Off to The Grid

Some days a girl needs to get out in the fresh air. Yesterday was one of them. Some Mud Ducks hang around their distant watering hole and are quite content. Lounging about, whining about all the things that could be better but aren’t because it is too cold, or too wet, or just tooooooo. I find some Mud Ducks don’t yet have the concept of choosing happiness and growth, which makes my own first assessment of myself as a Mud Duck suspect. Yesterday, I became migratory fowl while looking at the brewing storm clouds amassing. I needed respite from my Christmasy nest.

New and interesting food sources in my little town don’t appear every day, especially during Covid. Slowly, I have tried and tired of each one, and yesterday, nothing sounded as if it would hit the spot. The the daily special at The Wig Wam, nor eating in a restaurant full of goofy bear decor, were right for yesterday lunch.

Braving the wind outside, I used my trusty new leaf blower to move leaves from the porch to the jet stream right that blew by my house. My 30 trees already know the routine. Leaf out, enjoy the summer, shed leaves and sleep. So, the shedding has almost finished and I am sure I hear many of them snoring. It is a mystery where all the dropped leaves have gone. I have cleaned up 4 trash barrels worth, but the wind has taken the rest far, far, away to lands unknown. For that I am thankful.

Oliver managed to get himself into trouble again, eating another path light, so, things in the house were quiet with him in Puppy Time Out, already asleep, while dreaming of how he will steal the next light. His one truly naughty side cannot be hidden. Oliver is a destructive chewer who never stops. Ever. Most toys are liver to him. He eats anything and everything plastic. Afflicted with a syndrome of some kind, plastic is his life force. I am am aware and careful as I can be. Yesterday, Puppy Time Out was a safe option for him, as I sat frustrated and cooped up.

Who better to jet away with than……The Wonderful And Most Entertaining Miss Firecracker!!!! For new readers, this wonderful woman and I became friends the minute we met while attending a Men’s Group Function in which our husbands were members. The four of us hit it off. She was a huge reason why we chose to move to our town, they having been here for 14 years. Never did we know 2020 and cancer would steal them both away, just months apart. Yes. Miss Firecracker!!!! Maybe, just maybe, she would be up for a trip to the desert home of Top Gun. I had been wanting to try a Sonic Burger, and there was just such a place right of 95.

Miss Firecracker, being just as cooped up and bored as I, jumped at the chance and in a few short minutes, we started on our journey 30 miles East. I was in my black and orange “Vaqueros” hoodie, jeans, and Ugg boots. A standard uniform these days, with winter almost here. She, on the other hand, was styling, as usual. In a darling black suede leather coat with fringe on the arms, her perky smile, sparkling eyes, and the most adorable macrame/crochet purse, her look was complete. We set out into the desert on our 30 minute ride east.

Traveling with a desert girl who knows things, it was fun to have her point out the mark on a huge mountain outside of town that looks like a primitive, hieroglyphic horse. Below that, a sheep’s head. There are more shortcuts to learn. More stories to share about two guys we loved so much. Traveling with her, we become fireworks, exploding across the horizon as we gasp and cover any range of subjects. Time stops and careens ahead at the same time when I am with her.

Rolling into the fringes of town, she mentioned she knew of an actual restaurant that we might try. With a turn off the main drag, we arrived at an adorable place called The Grid. It had something for everyone, and the parking lot was jammed with cars (less than 50 people, I am 100% sure) The outside was Nevada approved. You can’t judge Nevada with a mere drive-by. The most wonderful shops and stores are just through the door. Most exteriors look terrible, because they are sandblasted on most days by high, sandy winds. These are extremely hard on humans and buildings.

Miss Firecracker knew just where we should eat. A restaurant like something out of a Top Gun movie that I would envision. Polished cement floors, corrugated aluminum on the walls, exposed ducting instead of a ceiling. A place were things were discussed, hashed out, decided and agreed upon. A no-frills place where people go to chow down. On one side was a bar/eating area, complete with at least one pool table. The other side was the restaurant, which was considerably less busy. The place was industrially sexy, my favorite style of decor. Yes. Miss Firecracker elevated my mood with this suggestion.

On the way home, she full of Rueben and me of Hamburger, we hadn’t even touched the surface of all the topics we could easily share. The best Carpet Cleaner, past Shrine memories, whistful thoughts on our guys, topography of the high desert, shortcuts, and the wind. We chatted all the way back to her front door and the end of our luncheon date.

I am so grateful to have a friend like her. We share so many things. Her first hand knowledge of what it is like to go through this wilderness is such a comfort. I don’t need to explain if my eyes mist over at a sweet memory. Not needed is the background story to what VST was like as a man. She knew him. And I knew Mr. Motorcycle Jacket, her guy. Suave and well spoken. He came across like Bailey’s and Coffee, hold the whipped cream. He was smooth and sweet, with an added urgency of caffeine. He was a gentleman, first and foremost. An old curmudgeon to her at times, but they were the moon and the stars together. And now, the sky seems a little awkward without his presence.

Try going off your normal grid like we did yesterday. It was a mini-vacation to laughter and fun. Pick a new place to visit with an old friend. And, don’t forget to laugh. It feels great.

Time and The Memorial – Part 2

With details sorted out in my head for the memorial, Oliver was off to Puppy Camp for a week. So many oddities would occur all at once, leaving the perfect opportunity for Ollie to have a barking melt down during “Amazing Grace”, or a grand theft of Subway Sandwiches when no one was looking. These possibilities were more than I could deal with. Oliver and I discussed this, he assuring me that he understood. The Friday before, he and I drove to Carson City, where we had our first tearful goodbye ever.

The weekend was one for smoothing details, deciding on clothing, crying alone, and grieving. The house was quiet and the loneliest without my four-legged bestie following me around. The yard was groomed and in full bloom, sprinklers cycling on and off helping what should grow do just that.

I must speak a bit about the brilliance of my yard. I use My in a very temporary way, as we are all caretakers for the next occupants, honoring those that came before us. The creators and caretakers prior to me took CARE to CREATE beauty. The entire yard, not just a corner, but the ENTIRE thing is landscaped. All 1/2 acre of this yard is covered in landscape cloth. Then, covered with a variety of gravels or decomposed granite (DG). All plants are watered through two functioning and separate drip systems that are scheduled for varying times, giving proper water to each living thing in the yard. There are paths for walking and a patio of sitting. There is grass for feeling good under bare feet. There is decomposed granite for comfort where one should walk, and gravel over flower beds, not for walking. There are pathway lights, and up-lighting on the trees at night. This yard is my happy place.

The week before the house became mine, I have already spoken to the fact that I was freaking out. Yes. FREAKING OUT. 1/2 acre. Me. Alone. To care for this. 15 days a widow. Monumental. And for a few minutes, unthinkable. Well, the prior caretakers to this piece of heaven thought everything through for me, and it has been easy and fun to watch over WINTERPAST (for new readers, this is the name of the property since July 15th. Look up King Solomon 2: 10-14).

Thank goodness the jitters didn’t win. Slowly but surely, I had been moving my yard art into the right spots. The weekend before the Memorial, everything was waiting for company. I had figured out the arrangement for seating. Not Covid approved, the guests would be under the patio cover looking out into the yard. The family would sit on the lawn under two tents, looking back towards the house. Everyone would be shaded and seated. Although, NOT COVID APPROVED. By this point, I had long moved past worries of COVID. It had robbed me of seeing so many special guests, health compromised and unable to attend. It would NOT rob me of a special morning to say Good Bye.

Getting back to preparations. I made my way to the beauty shop to have my hair cut Saturday morning. My wonderful, amazing, beautiful realtor had given me a gift certificate. Maybe as a hint to my “Covid Non-Coif”, mournful and unattended, for sure. The beautician and I had met once before, she, a wonderful young mother, caring and sweet. We talked about the memorial and all the plans while she snipped and cut. A little bit here, a little bit there, in an hour she had me Memorial ready.

My next task was to decide on what to wear. How many times VST had delighted to look through bags of clothing I would bring home after a day of shopping. He loved it when I bought new clothes and wanted to see every last piece. On days that I didn’t find anything, he was as disappointed as me. He would drive me to any mall, any time, any where, if there was something I was looking for. The thing is, I hate shopping, so, he was usually off the hook.

Several years back, (like 10 or so), I had found an adorable dress online. Just a plan black dress. Empire style and loose fitting under the boobs, it would hide the 10-20 pounds that came and went like the seasons. 3/4 sleeves, it was made of a stretchy fabric that moved nicely when I walked, the dress was knee length. It revealed the slightest decolletage, of which mine, my 80 year old dermatologist once declared during my medical exam, was flawless. Just sayin. The dress came with a bulky pearl necklace. All for $14.95.

This dress had saved me on so many occasions when VST had a last minute invitation or function in which I had waited too long to buy something. It always fit just right. Skinny Joy. Plump Joy. This dress just fit. Through the years, it went to weddings and funerals. Parties and Meetings. Dinners. Hawaii. This dress had gone everywhere and done everything. It had danced in VST’s arms, safe and warm. It had pouted when VST was being a bull-headed man. It had seen Grandson’s sing, dance, and graduate. There wasn’t really a different choice that could be made. This dress would be the one in which I would eulogize my husband. Me, myself, and my little black dress.

Along with the black dress, I would wear black tights, last worn when VST and I went to dinner together for Valentine’s Day in Carson City. That was Valentine’s Day 2020, not another year or time. Just MONTHS before. My go-to shoes were, and still are, comfortable black flats. With everything the day would hold, flats were the best. In truth, I only wear flats and these happen to be my favorite. A mix of patent leather toe and flat black leather back, they hold a small bow on the top of each shoe. Stitching on the patent leather finishes such a cute look. They are my favorite, most comfortable shoes, and I wear them for special things. This would qualify.

No jewelry except my wedding ring and the gold cross VST bought me for Christmas 2019 would be worn. I don’t do jewelry. I’m not grown up enough to have patience for it. I don’t have pierced ears and I don’t wear a watch. Forgettabout diamonds for me. All of it is lost on me. It fascinates me to think I wore my beloved wedding ring for 32.5 years, every moment of my life. I took it off for very little, never finding it cumbersome or bothersome. It was part of my hand. Comfort Fit. When swimming off Waikiki Beach, VST always wore a little neck safe in which we would both put our rings for safe keeping. Other than that, we always wore our rings.

Until the heartbreaking day.

His fell off, VST having lost so much weight, it didn’t fit anymore. In truth, he didn’t have enough strength to deal with the added weight of a size 12 band of gold. Already so sick, he handed it to me. “Here. Put this away. It fell off.” My heart broke even more that day on the road to devastation.

No manicure/pedicure, or other fluffy, girly-type services were needed. On the day of, I would shower, blow-dry my hair, adorn large, black sun glasses and call it good. Makeup would be pointless. No explanation needed for that.

As I collected the clothing in one organized area on Sunday afternoon, it occurred to me that I would never wear this favorite dress again after July 15th. It would become kryptonite to my Super Hero soul. Repelling magnets, my favorite dress and I. I wouldn’t wash it ever again. Just like my beautiful wedding dress up on the shelf with the smudges and tears from the happiest day of my life, my little black dress would rest in the box, with her. The happiest and saddest clothing would need to nestle into forever, because I wouldn’t look at either again for a very long time, if ever.

Sunday, late afternoon, I walked around the yard picking a dead rose head here, a sprouting weed out of place there. The bird families had taken up residency in the little bird houses on stakes. When VST and I chose the house together in February, I had made note of them, thinking to myself that REAL birds don’t make nests in little wooden houses. These magic houses were on their second or third families already, the soft chirping of newly hatched finches adding to the sound of bird songs surrounding me. My lawn was lush and green, an inviting oasis in the high desert. Everything was the crispest green. The sky was the most beautiful shade of blue, as only someone who lives in the high desert can understand. Breathtaking. Big Sky. Big Dreams. Big Sorrow. Everything more pronounced when standing under the vast Nevada sky.

Sunday, I went to sleep with the setting sun, the moon rising to cradle me in her soft glow. A troubled widow found a more troubling sleep, as everything lay prepared for the new week. A week that would hold so much, more must wait. Every little detail needs to be written just so, because, THIS would be the week of the unthinkable. THIS would be the week I could no longer deny. I. AM. A. WIDOW.

Be Patient, dear readers. Time and The Memorial — Part 3 to come.

NaNoWriMo and Me

There is so much I love and appreciate about my new life, but one of the most special things is the special time I have found for writing. November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). This is a real movement made more wonderful by a Google-able website. In prior years, Write-Ins were held in San Francisco where authors of all levels would converge and have a giant weekend Write-A-Thon. I can only imagine how wonderful those weekends were for those lucky enough to attend.

Every October, NaNoWriMo emails arrive, encouraging writers to fluff their nest and get ready to write their novel in November. Every October, I would find the perfect coffee cup and imagine myself writing the days away in sheer bliss. In reality, VST and I were so busy living our full and exciting lives, that the new coffee cup would remain empty, and the nest would never hatch a novel, or anything more than a few chapters that went no where.

Throughout the year, NaNoWriMo sponsors activities, like Spring and Summer writing camps. During this time, you can cyber “bunk” with other writers and camp out in the vast wilds of the internet while writing from the safety and comfort of your own home. But, their biggest event is the entire month of November, when you are encouraged to write a novel.

A novel???? Yes. 50,000 words. It seems so impossible when I look at the number. And yet, every day, I am here writing at least 1,500. Which puts me on track for at least 50,000 words. In my old life, I was always hopeful there would be 30 days in a row to write. Each year, I would make it through a few days, or a few weeks, but never finish. My new life is so different, and now, I have the time, energy, creativity, and Oliver to help me meet my goals.

I mention Oliver because the first thing one needs to write consistently is a partner that understands and encourages. Please endulge me while I explain Oliver’s importance in my writing endeavors.

For new readers, Oliver is my 2 year old cream based, chocolate piebald wire-hairded, green eyed dachshund. He is afflicted with OCD, as I am beginning to believe I am, as well. His mornings must be the same every day and include the following peculiarities.

Oliver was raised in our RV as we traversed the country, traveling 50,000 miles in 3 years. He was our companion for the last 1.5. As a puppy, he learned to use pee pads. Now, for those of you dog owners that have tried to teach this method and failed, it wasn’t you at all. To teach Oliver to tend to bathroom issues on command has taken hundreds of hours, extreme patience, and consistency. But, at this point, there are no long walks waiting for nature’s call. Oliver is quicker than me with the morning duties, all in the warmth and safety of our bathroom on a pee pad. No snowy walks. No wet paws. No lost dog in the dark. Just us, as we take care of business in the morning.

Next, Oliver expects breakfast. 1/3 cup of dog kibble. Have you every looked at how small 1/3 cup is? Oliver gives me that lecture every morning. He eats so fast, I needed to resort to a puzzle bowl, which slows him down a bit. He then must have at least two treats. He counts, and will not avert his gaze or move a muscle until he has had at least two and I show him empty hands. Being stared down by a green eyed dachshund will make an honest person of you. I make sure there are at least two.

It is then my time to have coffee in my recliner and look at my iPad, while waking up a little more. I like to consider the blog choices I listed from the night before and see what I feel like writing about. I always have at least three written down, because you never know what a night of dreaming will do to creativity levels. For those of you waiting for “Time and The Memorial, Part 2”, please be patient. I want that piece to be a perfect reflection of a complicated and beautiful day. I MUST do it justice.

While I am having coffee, Oliver has taken up a new role as Writing Master. He sits with his bone in his mouth, staring at me, fully at attention. He waits. He moans. He wiggles a bit. He stares more. When he can take no more, he barks. All while wagging his most adorable tail just a little bit.

“Mom-oh”. Hurry up. Don’t you want to write? In the other room? The one with my other bed? I have my bone. I am good at waiting while you write. “Mom-oh”….. Hurry up. We need to work!

I mean, who can resist? Oliver knows so many words, but, the one he never misses is “WORK”. He grabs his bone and dashes to my studio. After a bit of gnawing on his favorite new bone, he snores ever so sweetly, with the clickity-clack of the keyboard under my chubby, Germanic fingers as his lullaby. He sleeps until he hears the computer turn off, and then, he is ready to continue our day.

Without Oliver, so many things in my life would be upside down. He keeps me on track and on time. In the early days of widowhood, I wished Oliver’s life was better. Everything was chaotic, and yet, so still all at once. He was the consistent life force that needed care. Oliver needed routine. He needed clean pee pads. He needed toys and comfort. He needed, so I looked past the Kleenex box to make sure he was okay. Oliver learned to give hugs and listen. He quickly gave up the inquisitive looks when I cried in the dark, and sat on my recliner with me, assuring me that everything would be okay.

Now, Oliver is the first to see this writer bloom. He would tell you that it is something to behold. “Mom-Oh” in her heart studded robe, and fleece pj’s. Hair in morning wonkiness, she is in “THE ZONE” as she concentrates on all the stories swirling in her brain. He sleeps, because he has realized there are no conversations to be had while she writes. He sleeps because “Mom-Oh” has found her HAPPY.

If you haven’t run out to buy a journal, or started to keep one online, please do so. Until you do, Oliver will make sure I continue to write for us all.

Old Ladies Just Know Things

It had been a full day of deciding. Deciding to be happy, while fighting off tears. Deciding what things needed to be thrown away and what things needed buying. Deciding on who I needed to talk too and what moments would be silent. It was hot, and the heat made me decide that it was the perfect day for a hamburger, onion rings, and chocolate milkshake from the hot-pink roadway burger joint in town. It sat next to the U-haul place and across the street from T’s Flowers on Main Street.

The building is Milk of Magnesia Pink and has been for years. It screams that this place is worth the stop. Y is a spunky, funky tattooed woman who has a lot to say about everything. Her smile is contagious and happiness poofs out the “Order Here” window with whiffs of everything greasy and delicious. She is a young Norma Rae, “Sally Field” shapely, and fierce. She made it through the pandemic, and vows never to shut her doors again. Customers flock to her and today, I was one of many in line.

After ordering, a space opened up at the picnic table out front, and I took a seat, facing the road. My legs stretched out almost touching the broken sidewalk. Spotty grass, broken asphalt, and weeds made a mosaic in front of the restaurant. The building was new in the 50’s and had been one thing or another since then. Its plaster was cracked and weather beaten as many people and things are in my town. An old woman sat on the other end and side, facing the same way as I. We both gazed across Main, looking at T’s Flowers, and the unmarked house next door.

Without an introduction, she started a conversation.

“Do you know if the Book Store Lady opens very often? House next to T’s? You know? The used book store?”

I turned to look at her more closely. She was Nevada old. The high desert steals some things and she doesn’t give them back, ever. She steals moisture with intense sunshine, wind, and heat. She replaces soft, supple skin with leather, dried so long in the sun, it doesn’t burn anymore. Flowing hair is replaced with something resembling dry straw. Hopeful eyes dim. This woman was Nevada old. Petite, in her t-shirt and shorts, I had heard her order. Two “Y’s Bombs”, the biggest hamburger sold. Two of them for this tiny woman.

“Not sure, I just moved her in April. It hasn’t been open when I’ve been around. Was it a good place?”

“I used to go there all the time. I live up the road, East about 30 miles, myself. Just come here for the burgers.”

Her blue eyes shown out from hooded lids, and the wrinkles of time were gouged deeply in her face. I suppose she was sizing me up too, as we High Desert Ladies tend to do. Rattlesnakes and varmints need to be identified quickly in wild places when a woman is traveling alone.

With no conversation flowing, I offered up more information than I should.

“I’m a new widow. I haven’t taken the time to visit all the stores here. I’ll pay attention to the Book Store and check it out when she opens.”

“Probably dead. I’m a widow, too. 26 years. I miss him every day.” Her wedding ring, studded with diamonds, sparkled on her left hand as we both turned to look at it together. I hoped she hadn’t noticed. I was thinking about the woman and her drive of 30 miles to buy two huge burgers that would be cold by the time she got home. I thought of her widowhood of 26 years. Almost as long as I had been a wife. Was that what my life would become? Was this an omen? 26 years from now, would I be sitting in front of a hot pink hamburger shack, talking to a young woman of 64 about her new widowhood while waiting for my two “Y’s Bombs”? I was looking through a window into my future, which was hopeful and devastating all at once.

“Order 27. Mae. Your order’s up. 2 “Y’s Bombs” with everything.”

“That’s me. Gotta go.”

“Wait, I need to ask. How old are you? ” Not sure why I asked, but it was a question I had to know right then.

“90.”

And with that she was gone. My window closed. So many details about Mae I will remember forever. She was me, I was her. She looking back, I looking ahead, with 26 years meaning two very different things to two very different ladies.

So many questions were left unanswered that day. I would love to find her again and ask her to tell me about important way points to watch for on the way to 90. Some advice about what to avoid and what to embrace. Stories about the guy she loved so much that his absence still breaks her heart 26 years later. She was the friend that got away, floating back home through the dust of the high desert, 30 miles East, with two cooling “Y’s Bombs” on her front seat.

Oh, by the way. What is 64 years PLUS 26 years????????????? Yeah. Just another weird coincidence in this the wilderness of widowhood and the high desert, in which I find myself.

Time and The Memorial –Part 1

I lost VST in a car crash of sorts. Cruising down the road, always at the speed limit, life was just fine. Beautiful Nevada roads. We first noticed a few bumps. Then, swerved to miss a pot hole or two. Pretty soon, we were on washboard gravel roads, still cruising way to fast. An up and a down, a zig and a zag, violently, we lost control and hit cancer head on. He was gone, I survived. Only twelve doctor visits took him from not feeling great to dead. Our fatal crash with a killer disease stole him.

With deafening silence and all the time in the world to think, I made many decisions based on the facts I had to deal with. There couldn’t be a memorial in three days, or even three weeks, but, in three months, we would arrive at VST’s 66th birthday. This would be the perfect day to celebrate him with family and friends. The yard at Winterpast would be in all her glory. It would give travelers time to plan, and me time to compose myself just a bit. I could finish moving and get settled in. For me, the three month plan was an easy decision. One of the easier ones I faced.

I got to work on my monthly planner and made goals needed reaching. No whining. Nothing other than meeting these goals would be acceptable. If I did that, the memorial day would come and it would be glorious. I started with one foot in front of the other.

As people called to offer thoughts, prayers and comfort, I would mention that the memorial was going to be on July 15th. As the information was shared, the date was non-negotiable. A finish line was in sight, and I worked towards it every day.

In three months, I finished packing, moved all remaining boxes to storage, (this, aside from what the movers took, was 350 in number), dealt with a title company in Reno, (inept), a realtor in Carson City, (precious), a realtor in my new town, (adorable), a title company in my new town, (professional), a handyman, (a poor thief that got caught), agreements, signings, and Covid.

There was cremation, death certificates, urns to buy, and notices to send. There was an obituary to write. A biography to pen. 350 pictures needed for a memorial book. Friends to tell, usually talking while holding my phone to my shoulder with a crooked neck while multi-tasking.

There were professional movers, (based in Las Vegas — 6 hours away), new neighbors, (the best), old neighbors, (heartrendingly sad), hours of driving, more hours of crying, packing, unpacking, throwing away, disconnecting services, beginning services, choosing internet, returning ATT equipment, (one of the worst), and dealing with a puppy that didn’t quite understand.

There were decisions, on top of decisions, all dependently intertwined. Goodbyes. Hello’s. Discovering a new town, saying Goodbye to an old one. Purchasing a set of tires. Grooming a 1/2 acre yard. Purging and purchasing. Contracting our beloved RV to be sold in another state on consignment. Selling the rig and nervously awaiting the check in the mail from strangers that are now friends and heroes. All while figuring out how to live alone for the first time in my adult life. There were nights of dreamless sleep in a dark, endless void. Planning a memorial fit right in.

The weeks leading up to 7/15 gradually became routine. There was time for everything, and I did everything in time. The kids and girlfriends came for visits that were my oxygen. The house came together, appearing as if VST and I had lived there all along. And slowly, details for the Memorial were in place. I had chosen one of my favorite pics of VST and used that for everything. It was taken on a trip to Hawaii, and caught his expression just so. The tender, wonderful man with the kind eyes and the cutest smile. The picture held it all.

Because the service would be in my back yard, it was necessary to limit the number of guests. The memorial became an Invitation Only affair. Invitations were ordered from an online service. Double sided, ocean themed, and beautiful, complete with envelopes. These days, there is no excuse not to create stuff online. Quick, easy, and done in less than 30 minutes. The invitations were sent out June 13th, and the countdown was in full swing. So was Covid.

In a few days, I started getting hear breaking phone calls. Even though the service was outdoors, of 70 people invited, 1/2 didn’t feel comfortable coming to our home to say Goodbye to VST. Understandable, but a loss so sad. I was finally ready to invite people into my space to help my heart heal, and they couldn’t come because of a virus. Slowly, my guest list shrunk to 35 VIP’s of the most precious kind.

Each week, the house became more organized. Oliver was settling into our routine, and loved his springtime yard, complete with grass to romp upon. Trees leafed out, Irises were blooming throughout. Peonies, with their delicate pink petals, fragrance, and color became my favorite of all flowers. I didn’t know I needed them in my life before the first bloom. My sweet neighbor, T, had chairs and tables ready to lend. Dollar Tree provided many essentials, although I still couldn’t visualize where we would eat.

Upon hearing of my dilemma , a BESTie suggested I use the empty RV barn, vacant since the rig had been sold. The “barn”, (a completely finished garage for an RV) was cleaned and arranged with tables and chairs. It was the perfect place for guests to get away from the sun and visit. The walls were adorned with favorite family pictures and mementos from VST’s full and amazing life. Everything from his high school yearbooks, to his cap, gown, and hood from his doctoral ceremony were there. High school letterman’s jacket, next to favorite snow shovel. Pictures of the kids. Pictures of us. Just like that, the RV barn became a shrine to a beautiful life. I was one week out, and right on schedule.

Time and Memorial –Part 2 — tomorrow!

Thank you so much for reading my blog. It is making so many dreams come true. If you like my writing, please share this address with friends and family. Please contact me at Gg202071548@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you!!!!

The Circle of Trust

Today, Month 8 starts anew for me. I was to take another mini vacation in Tahoe, but the storm over the weekend made me rethink all things I would like to and should do, being very alone. I decided to sit this one out and decorate for Christmas. I hadn’t decided on my monthly word until last night, when it came to me. Trust.

VST was not a trusting man. He was kind, insightful, and brilliant of mind. He was empathetic to a certain degree. Artistic, knowledgeable, and skillful in a multitude of areas. But, he was not a trusting man. That was destroyed on a Labor Day weekend long before I met him. I can honestly say, me being trustworthy to my soul and the true love of his life, even I never gained his full trust, as his injuries went way past those humanly repairable.

VST was street smart. He would always shake his head when I trustingly went ahead believing all kinds of things.

“Darlin’, think it through. It might SEEM like that is the way it is, but, what about…….”

He would be off and running to discredit liars and cheats we met through our decades together. Sadly, he was always right. Not 99% of the time. 100% of the time. And slowly, I stopped trusting many things myself. I just knew, I could and would always trust him with my life.

If VST told you he was going to do something, it would be done. If he said he would be at a certain place, he would be waiting. Goals and accomplishments set were completed with results exceeded.

In the 1900’s, when we were new, he explained something to me. Life was full of all kinds of people. Some were obviously in need of avoiding. Do that, he would tell me. The obvious ones, steer clear at all costs. We both agreed that was a good thing to do.

Then, there were a group of people that seemed nice enough. They weren’t robbers or cheats, but they were just those people that we wouldn’t ever really get to know very well. Nice people with nice lives that didn’t affect ours, they would never really be close friends. And, whatever situations they found themselves in, although we would listen, maybe even tearfully, they would remain just acquaintances.

Our inner circle was golden. True friends that we would go to war for or with. Some family fell inside that circle while some didn’t even make the first cut. And so, the Circle game began. By the end, he could just draw a circle on a napkin and we would immediately break into laughter, without anyone else even beginning to know what the joke was. Either in the circle or out of it.

Today, my innermost circle is void and empty without VST. We twirled and intertwined our Yin and Yang, contrary or opposite, and yet complementary, interconnected and interdependent, according to Hanyu Pinyin, a concept of dualism. That bubble of creativity that was us was unstoppable, or so I always believed. I never thought it could vanish into cancer. The place I am having trouble finding TRUST again is in that Yin/Yang center, finding opposing parts of myself to fill the void. No one else can do that for me. Without my own center balanced, I have little to offer to another. A mission set up for failure.

I am so blessed with those in my inner circle. The very BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. OLD FRIENDS, AND NEW OLD FRIENDS. They call, visit, console, recommend, laugh, gasp, hold me, and are along for the ride. They are the ones I can trust to tell me when I am on the road to Crazy Town, and when I am on the right track. They tell me what I don’t want to hear when standing around the African Watering Hole. They remind me that I need to read my own blogs every day, and nourish my center. I love them for that.

VST taught me a lot about trust. He taught me that trusting another is the comfort that we all want and need. He taught me that a life without full trust is troubled, no matter how good things may seem on the outside. He reached his hand out to me during the last days of his life, showing me how far he had come on his journey. I treasured his trust more than I have any other person in my life, because, it was so hard for him to give.

I am trusting myself enough to know driving on ice in Tahoe for my first lesson in snow is not a great idea. I am trusting myself enough to know that the Veteran’s Coalition is going to be a great group in which to share my talents. I am trusting myself enough to know that things will get better with time, self love, and care. And, I am trusting myself to know that I am an intuitive judge of character, and that it’s okay to think about what my future could look like down the road.

Today, be grateful for those that have your back during this the darkest of times. They can see what we cannot at times, due to widow’s fog. Trust that they love you and will help you get through the wilderness on the way back home.

Couldn’t You Hire a Maid? Part 2

Through a stiff and painful night I tossed and turned, knowing that only half the job was finished after 8 hours. The new owner’s walkthrough was looming in 24 hours. I needed to unstiffened and get back to VC for one more more horrendous morning of cleaning. It couldn’t be as bad as the day before, right?

The drive to VC brought its usual flood of tears as I drove the 45+ miles. Through the flats, past the mountains, by the mustangs, turning on Six Mile Canyon Road. Up the twisty roads past the treated effluent that every newbie thinks is a wonderful mountain stream. Under the barren cottonwood trees, still my favorite. Up and up and up to 6200 ft and VC. In an hour, I was in the front driveway, Looking up at her. She, two stories high, scowling down at me.

Supplies and vacuum waiting from the day before, I got to work. My studio was bare, except for my large doll house. Another of my favorite hobbies. I wasn’t sure how to move it. I couldn’t lift it, let alone get it down the garage stairs and out to the Jeep. It remained. I cleaned.

My office with the post card view of VC through a wall of glass. The guest room. The closet.

When we bought the house, all the neighbors wanted to know what we were to do with two rooms that had no windows. Not one, but two. These rooms were part of Mt. Davidson, sunk deep into her side. Nine foot walls, holding Dunmovin steady and tight. The west walls of the basement were all without windows. One became my studio, while the other became a guest room, the perfect place when you needed absolute darkness on a sunny day. The remainder was a downstairs family room/kitchenette.

The problem with the guest room was that it had no closet. VST corrected this in January. I had noticed that this project was the one he had more trouble with than all the others combined. It was complicated and he was already sick. Angled and needing to look original, he spent hours making it perfect. Between his construction and my finish work, we succeeded, and another huge closet appeared. 9 ft. tall. Shelving on one side. Two rolling doors. Closet pole. Just like magic it appeared it had been there since 2004, like the rest of the house.

Two more downstairs bathrooms were scoured and shiny. The family room/kitchenette area was nearly complete. I was on the downside of done when I started on the kitchenette. This was another area of the house in which VST had installed beautiful dark cabinetry, as stately as the rest of the house. Granite countertops. Small Frig. Sink. Microwave. It was the perfect kitchen for guests. While the west side was nestled into the mountain, the East side of this room was all glass, overlooking yet another view of VC. The front door opened onto the lower deck, with stairs that led to A Street, neighbors, fun, and adventure.

So tired, and happy that I was almost done, I opened the first cabinet of 8, just to give it a quick once over. My eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing. For in these 8 cabinets, overhead and under the counter, it was as if time had stopped. They weren’t packed. Nothing. Nada. All full of vases, dishes, Christmas stuff. Coffee cups. Party supplies. Extra silverware. ETC. ETC. ETC. I had missed the entire kitchenette when grieving, signing papers on two real estate transactions in two different towns, crying, mourning, watching Oliver, moving boxes, and all the rest. Basically, I had missed an entire room.

I was without moving boxes, as they were all at the new house. Tape, paper, and more energy to deal with this was not available. When the movers had finished the night before, the last items were pointed out one by one. After each, they were ready to leave, and we would find one more thing. I was determined NOTHING would be left to find in the morning. And, in the rest of the house, there wasn’t. It was just these cabinets that hadn’t been emptied and packed. There was no avoiding it. It needed to get done.

My tired brain remembered that there was still the garage to tackle. Just maybe there were some boxes there. Packing paper, no. But, boxes maybe. Five boxes remained, magically the number I needed. I carefully filled them and put them in the pickup. Non-breakables surrounded breakables, like an awkward jigsaw puzzle. After grumbling and mumbling, the basement was clean, with even the woodburning stove that had warmed us on so many winter nights glistening.

The garage was a beast of cobwebs, spiders, and the remains of a move. Two more hours on that, and after 6 hours, the house was cleaned. The lone item left was my dollhouse. The neighbor would meet me the next morning to place it in the Jeep. I had measured carefully. It would fit perfectly in the back. It would mean one more trip in the early morning to retrieve that last item.

Fourteen hours to say “Goodbye” to six years of our life together. The last six years created when we were sure we had 26 left. Would we have done it again? I can hear a resounding “Yes” from the heavens. VST and I were never happier than in the midst of a project. The bigger the better.

Could I have hired a maid? Of course. Would I have missed this Goodbye? Not on your life.

Just a note…….Today, at 10:30 am, not 11:15 am as his death certificate states, is the 7th Month since VST left. Seven balloons today, released into a winter wonderland, as it snowed last night. The first snow of the season. Everything looks new and magical under starlit skies. It seems it was seven decades ago one minute, and seven minutes ago the next. Smile on the snow, Dr. H, I have the shovel. I’ve got this.

Couldn’t You Hire a Maid?

Fall cleaning is in full swing here, a tedious and time consuming job that takes attention to the smallest details. I don’t know how one person can dirty up 1907 sq. ft., but I have managed to do just that. When I landed here April 23rd, the house was extremely clean, and I was extremely spent. Things were moved in without the attention I should have given them. I’m making up for that now.

The movers worked all day and late into the night of April 26th, delivering the second load from DUNMOVIN just before midnight. T and K had worked all weekend to put the garage together, and with the heavy furniture in place, Winterpast was looking oddly like home. There was one last task to handle. One I was dreading.

DunMovin needed to be cleaned. This would be my time to say Goodbye to a wonderful place full of so many memories. I wasn’t sure how it would be to enter the empty cavern, or what ghosts awaited me, but, it had to be done. And for me, it would be part of my healing. Seventeen days a widow, I arrived with bucket, mop, vacuum and supplies ready to tackle the job.

DUNMOVIN was a mansion. When VST started looking for houses, it was our intention to downsize from 2500 sq. ft. Planning to travel and use our time for other things, our sights were not set on the 3300 sq. ft., 6 bedroom, 5 bathroom, two story beauty we found, or rather, VC presented to us. She was meant to be ours from Hello. Over 6 years, VST and I transformed her, but, then, you already know that part.

Late Monday morning, I arrived for one of my last visits, ready to rock and roll. I didn’t factor in time for crying the ugly cry. Each surface that I cleaned held our dust. Our fingerprints. The walls had cradled our laughter and arguments. The ghosts were howling loudly that day, as I tackled each room. Torturous doesn’t even touch the surface. Draining, emotionally and physically, like ripping flesh from my body, each swipe with a dust rag left me spent.

I started with the room I thought would be the least traumatic. The upstairs guest room. Not surprisingly, it was one of the rooms that needed less attention, but the windows look out upon the “V” on the side of Mt. Davidson. My tearful cleaning spree commenced.

Then the hard part began. The kitchen. Designed, demolished, and installed by the two of us. The floor was of real oak hardwood that was created as we lovingly picked the order in which each board was nailed. The room was huge, being 33 ft. across and quite deep. VST spent weeks installing the floor that made the place a showpiece, one board at a time, while analyzing his own life. The walk-in pantry held winter provisions when the snow was too deep to get off the mountain during snow-mageddon.

33 windows needed to be cleaned. 33 windowsils. Blinds needed dusting. Baseboards were lovingly washed. Doorhandles and doors gave up their grunge. VST’s blue office was dust free when I finished, the paint referred to as “Old Man Blue”, being a shade too bright for my liking. His bathroom glistened.

The guest bathroom/laundry room that VST had remodeled starting on January 1st was scoured. This was one of the last beautiful pieces of handiwork left as a testiment to his perfectionism. Four hours later, I came to the hardest rooms yet. Our bedroom, closet, and master bathroom. I believed by that time, all my tears had been spent. But, no. The room slayed me as I lay on the carpet and wept into the emptiness. This was the room in which we said our final Goodbye. And now, it was taking one more Goodbye from me.

The closet, with it’s chandelier, was first. I had seen a show on HGTV in which two women installed a chandelier in the closet of an old farmhouse. It was adorable, and I announced to VST that I needed a chandelier in my closet. It was quickly installed, and became a talking point when showing the house. How frivolous and fun. How VST. The lady wants a chandelier in the closet, she gets one.

The bathroom was something out of a magazine, featuring a chromotherapy tub. I didn’t know this was a thing. I guess so, but not for me. I only tried this feature once. It involved flashing lights in different colors. I think it could cause epilepsy, myself. The jetted tub was soaking deep, with a drying cycle. I never understood whether the cycle was to dry the bather or the tub itself.

I thought of VST installing the rich, dark wooden cabinets himself, measuring everything so carefully. And then, I thought of the terminally ill VST I helped shower just weeks before, and the crying commenced again.

CRYCLEANCRYWIPECRYSPRAYCRYCLEANCRYWIPECRYSPRAYCRYCLEANCRYWIPE

Finally the Master bedroom was left, at hour six. This would complete only the upstairs. I was too old for this.

No longer crying, I felt his presence in this beautiful room. Four windows, carefully placed, showed VC as a painting looking out from the side of our mountain. Suspended in air, it was as if we lived on a third plane. Sugarloaf Mountain looked back at me in stunned disbelief that I wouldn’t be greeting her every morning anymore. How many days I had opened the door leading to the deck to hear the church chimes from St. Mary’s on the Mountain, or listen to the forlorn whistle from the steam train. In the spring, the children from the Jr. High giggled, their laughter coming in on the breezes that blew freely in VC. Cheers from the baseball diamond just past the park. The drama of a life flight helicopter landing right within view. Tourists driving turtle-slow to take in the beauty of our houses on A Street. All the memories flooded through my head as I swept lonely cobwebs and vacuumed one last time.

But, the worst of all, was the memory of April 1, when, only one week before he died, VST asked the Hospice worker to place his hospital bed by the window, so that he could see VC any time he opened his eyes. I remember coming into the room, and VST wanted to sit up. There were metal curtain stays on either side of the window to hold back the drapes during the day. He grabbed one to pull himself up.

“Hey, don’t pull on that. It might break,” I scolded him.

“Don’t worry. It won’t. I installed it myself.” He grinned at me. Of course, he was right. Nothing VST every built or installed would ever break. Period.

The last bit of cleaning done, I went to close each blind. I closed doors, telling each room “Thank You” and “Farewell”. At hour 8, way past my dinner time, I headed home, an hour’s drive East. The last few tears were leaking when the phone rang. Dead tired, I answered.

“Joy, is the house done?” It was my beloved realtor. Bless his heart. I think I said something that wasn’t very lady-like or nice. I had to hang up with his next remark, because there were no words.

“Couldn’t you hire a maid?”

Gratitude, Appreciation, and Optimism

Every day, my routine is the same. After tending to my coffee needs and Oliver’s breakfast, I read my email for a few minutes. This morning, the darkness was extreme, when I found a short podcast from William Defoore at “Goodfinding.com, CREATING HAPPINESS ON PURPOSE”. Is that the best life goal ever??? I think yes. The following are thoughts I collected while listening to this uplifting podcast.

Gratitude, appreciation and optimism are connected but they are not the same at all. We are grateful for things that have already happened, we appreciate things that are happening now, and we strive to be optimistic for the future. We can easily get stuck in the past. I spend my fair share there with VST, and all the things gone so long ago. I can also get a little freaked about the future, as I have shared in my writings about the upcoming Darkest of Winters. The only thing I really have the slightest control over is my dealings in the present. And for that, I strive to find the best thoughts to keep my mind the healthiest it can be in this year of healing.

Yesterday, I ended the blog by suggesting that you start thinking of things you are grateful for. Mr. Defoore suggested journaling them. I love journals and being a writer, have so many. For years, they stacked up, as VST and I ran around doing all the things we did. Sadly, I would love to read journals from those happy days, but, they remained blank. Now, every day, all day long, I reach for my journal, writing when I need, too. Reading entries from early April, I realize how far my journey has taken me through widowhood toward womanhood.

When journaling, a sentence fragment counts. You don’t need to worry about penmanship, grammar, spelling, or punctuation. It needs to be readable to you, and you alone.

So, start that journal with three things you’re grateful for in the past. We all can think of three things. If you absolutely can’t come up with anything, use my “New Widow” words. Family. Friends. Pets. Now, throw in Food. Shelter. Clothing. If you are truly blessed, add HEALTH. And from there, you are off and running. Don’t stop at three. You may list things for pages. We are so lucky in life, each one of us. Find those things that are personal to you. Write them down.

Next, for today, find one thing you appreciate. If it involves another person, tell them. For goodness’ sake, if you have no one else, tell an associate at Walmart that you appreciate their work. We should all do that, because THEY work long days so WE can buy stuff we need or want. Find the littlest thing, and make it big enough to say “Thank you”. Smile when you do this. If you don’t think a smile is possible, fake one.

Finally, before you go to sleep tonight, make the very last thought you have an optimistic one for the morning, even if it is the following. “I am looking forward to opening my eyes tomorrow morning”. I bet you have something a little better than that.

These three activities must be practiced every day. Give this a full three weeks, according to Mr. Defoore. When a dark thought comes about past, present, or future, reboot your brain. Change the thought to a pearl instead of a rock. Make this your life choice.

Long ago, I went through a horrendous divorce. Black, black days, with two little boys that needed constant attention to thrive. I found this method, but, didn’t recognize it as anything but a way to survive.

First, I saved my grief for 30 minutes from 10 pm-10:30 pm. I held it together the rest of the time out of necessity. But, during those 30 minutes, I could play all the “broken heart”music I chose. I could cry, quietly, so as not to wake them. Just anything that I needed to do, I did. The beauty was, after a few weeks of this, I found that many times, I was too tired to stay up until 10, and it wasn’t as necessary. And slowly, I got better.

I also made the observation that no matter how bad things were, the wallpaper in my kitchen would still be there to greet me in the morning. It was one little way of assuring myself that the world was still rock solid. My experiences had got me a little off balance, but, the world would be the same when I got through the bad time.

And, I kept one dream at a time alive at all times.

There you have it. Journaling. Gratitude. Appreciation. Optimism. Big lofty words that start with determination and one foot in front of the other. They will guide you through this wilderness, or any other in which you find yourself. Winter is upon us. The wind is howling outside. I appreciate God’s beauty in this season knocking at my door. God’s natural music, the wind plays just for me. I need to go make a pot of soup and enjoy the beauty of the next season.

If you every find you want to contact me, please do at Gg202071548@gmail.com. Sadly, I found a new way never to forget an email address. The year of your spouses passing, their birthday, and the date of their death. Done. Seared into your brain and totally personal. Another helpful tip from the Grieving Gardener.

Firsts

A year of firsts. Widowhood is that if nothing else. Some things are done for the first time. Some things are done for the first time alone. First time to contemplate a life before widowhood. First time to see things from an opposing point of view when it is too late for apologies. First time to understand the true beauty of being with your soulmate. First time to grasp the tragedy of losing that. A lot of firsts to digest.

I awoke this morning to an odd combination of weather alerts. A Fire Winter Storm Watch for Lake Tahoe. In my little town, 68 miles away, a Fire Weather Warning. Such great news to receive before coffee. I had planned to go to Tahoe once more before the winter snows begin, with reservations for Monday-Wednesday next, my last visit being relaxing and fun. Oliver has reservations for his Doggie Sleep Over Extravaganza. But, navigating snow is not something I feel like dealing with, so my plans may need to change.

I have already written about my first experience 4-wheeling in the snow last spring. I have yet to experience driving in the snow and ice alone. I am sure that will be a post all of its own. On yesterday’s daily walk, a neighbor was out shoveling horse poop. Folks that is the cold, hard truth of living with mustangs. They poop. A lot. If not cleaned up immediately, more mustangs come and poop on top of original poop. It is not romantic, wonderful, or convenient. You need a flat shovel at the ready. You get the idea.

The neighbor informed me that the snow isn’t a big deal here, which I had already researched. In his six years here, there has only been one time that the storm dropped 5″. He had purchased a snow plow for his lawn tractor and has used it one time, and that was because he had just bought it and wanted to. So, as far as being snowed in for days, which was the case in VC, I plan to have hot chocolate and enjoy every flake. That will be a good first, as poor VST would just about worry the snow right out of the sky.

On the 12th, I am going to my First meeting of the Veterans Coalition here in town. To say I am excited is an understatement. I plan to help in any way I can, being that NEW volunteer that so many groups long for. This group has raised money for 8,000+ wreaths for the cemetery here in town ($10 each, not bad for a little volunteer group). December 19th, one wreath will lovingly be placed on every grave. The group also helps with funerals of fallen heroes at the cemetery and I’m going to sign up to help with as many of those as I can. One first discovered, is that I have way too much time on my hands with nothing to fill it. This is just what I need.

A First illness is under control thanks to Tele-Doc-On-The-Screen and Valtrex. Just as she said, it appears meds were started so early, a nasty outbreak may not happen. I am fully aware an illness it is, using the next week to rest and nap. Thank goodness Valtrex works for me.

For the First time, I am fall cleaning and decorating for Christmas alone. Last year, VST was really into it. He even purchased his own special office decorations that I am excited to hang this year. He was jolly and enjoying every minute, until I came up with a cold which I promptly shared with him. It was a sweet, even if sniffly, last Christmas together in our winter wonderland. No gift exchange. No big meal. Just two old people making sure they had everything needed to mend. We had been invited to an A Street gathering, but he sweetly asked if we could celebrate romantically, just the two of us. I will never forget his sweet request, a bittersweet First. This will be the First time I need to give myself holiday memories all my own.

Make a list of your own Firsts. You will be amazed at how many you have already accomplished. Be sure you prepare for difficult holiday Firsts and plan how to make them your own, while honoring the thoughts of all the wonderful holidays past.

Shingles Aren’t Just For Roofing

Yesterday began as a hopeful election day. It ended late into the night, the darkness of winter a stark reality. Hopeful. Optimistic. Upbeat. Positive. All these traits naturally hang around me like colorful flags waving in the breeze of my life. Not much breeze or flag flying this morning. Read on.

Doctors are not part of my routine. Anyone who knows me knows I have little interest in hanging out in a doctor’s office complaining, to whom ever will listen, about my lumbago, (of which I don’t suffer). If I break a bone, I will go to urgent care and get it set. Otherwise, I’m not interested wasting time listening to someone’s educated opinion about all the things that may or may not BE wrong or GO wrong with MY body. I am in tune with my daily aches and pains, and will accept the outcome of MY decision on this. It is non-negotiable. With that being said, one would be correct in deducing that I do not take medications or vaccinations. I fully embrace the fact that my life may be shortened or extended due to this, my own personal decision.

I have self quarantined like the rest of the world, and during my grief, this has given me privacy to do all the things grieving widows do. Yesterday, I found the following quote by Franz Wright from his book “Walking to Martha’s Vineyard”.

“Death doesn’t prevent me from loving you… Besides, In my opinion, you aren’t dead. (I know dead people, and you are not dead).” VST understands this logic completely.

Yesterday, a dear girlfriend and I decided to share lunch on election day. It had started out that we would share an evening election party, but, after thinking about a very long drive on the Loneliest Highway in America, we decided against it. Two babes jetting out into the night in a White Jeep Wrangler along such a deserted highway would be asking for trouble. Include the fact that black horses crossing a highway on a blacker night spells instant death, and a lunch date seemed far more appropriate. Over spaghetti and garlic bread we remembered our dear husbands, who were dear friends with each other. Miss Firecracker (FC) is a more recent widow than I, and we had lots to share about our guys.

When I got home, I felt an electrical sunburn-ish feeling on my right cheek in a localized area near my eye . Hmmmmm. It was uncomfortable and not something I could just ignore. It then hit me. My aversion to doctors had left me without an office to call. This situation very well escalate to the level of a broken bone quickly. At 2:00 pm, I had little time to sit around and wonder just “What? Oh what?” the problem could be.

I sprang into action, not waiting another minute. I did have an educated idea about what this could be. SHINGLES. This topic had been discussed with two different girlfriends in the past few days, and now, their voices rang clear. “If it happens to you, DON’T wait.” At this point my skin looked normal. Nothing to see there. But, the underlying pain was not anything to mess with.

My newly acquired health card, issued as I await my 65th birthday, was in my wallet. Luckily, my plan has a feature for Tele-Docs. I quickly downloaded the app and phoned in. In less than two hours, I had spoken to a lovely physician of my choosing, had an anti-viral prescription phoned to the local pharmacy, driven to retrieve medication, stopped and picked up a Subway sandwich, consumed dinner, and taken my first pill. 1,000 mg., 3x a day for 7 days. By taking this medication, according to the doctor, if I was LUCKY, I might not get any blisters at all.

Lucky?????????? In 2020??????? Lucky would mean VST would still be here. Lucky would mean we would be yelling at election results together, and mourning the loss of so many beautiful things about our country that are vanishing as I write this. Lucky would mean that my face doesn’t feel like it is on fire, with a dose of electricity running through it. Lucky doesn’t seem to be hanging around my door too often these days.

Wait. That thinking needed change immediately. I rebooted my brain.

I am thankful for the beautiful physician that confirmed what I already knew. I am thankful that I have the resources and awareness to get on medication before this gets worse. I am thankful that I am a healthy woman with common ailment, quite treatable. I am thankful I have great friends that gave me a head’s up. I am thankful for my new Cuisanart Ice Cream maker, because, everything is better with ice cream on the side. I am thankful Sweet Mr. Mud Duck’s phone call was patient and supportive, assuring me that I would feel better with medication. I am thankful for our sweet kids’ election texts, from kids that are really not kids but adults. I am thankful that God doesn’t give me more than I can handle.

Miracle of miracles, I am the luckiest woman in the world flying the flag of hopeful optimism again, even if the breeze barely blows right now.

Gratitude. Embrace it today. These are the scariest of times. Be Grateful for the beauty of your moments.

Oliver’s Visit

For those of you that have a dog, you already know. One big expense in your budget is your furry friend, especially if you are a widow. Oliver is my link between the W’s. Wife. Widow. Woman. If you are not a pet owner, please indulge me, and try to understand, although, to NPO’s , it must seem that we PO’s have lost our minds.

My discount puppy was quite possibly the most wonderful Christmas present VST ever gave in his life. Although Oliver wasn’t a present, because you cannot make a present of perfect and pure love and friendship, Oliver was delivered into my arms in a snowy parking lot at the Atlantic Casino in the middle of an intense snow storm on Christmas morning 2018. That, in and of itself, spoke to VST’s determination to fill my arms with this little ball of fluff. He drove us carefully off the mountain in a blizzard. We both noted that at 4 months, Oliver wasn’t very small. Abominable Snowman Feet. Not Dachshund-ish at all. Not in any way except the stubborn one. Oliver was a unique and special puppy.

It wasn’t many hours before VST was the one asking if Oliver had enough toys. During the following days, VST selected the station that held Oliver’s favorite music, left on when we went on errands. It was VST who set the surveillance camera at the right angle to watch him as we had lunch at our favorite restaurant, making sure it was the camera that had speaking options to calm Oliver if he was scared. VST made sure Oliver had the best bed. The comfiest blankets. Throughout their time together, the best walks.

So, in my “Wife Life”, Oliver became a link we didn’t even know we needed. We BOTH doted on this dog. He drove us both nuts. Potty training was a joint effort. We became a little triangle of a family, exchanging love at every angle. Oliver was trained to the rig, and a Rig Dog he became. He was faster than I at gas guzzling pitstops with his bathroom breaks. Clean Pee Pad and a closed door were his only requirements. Oliver loved the beach as much as our own living room.

If you are considering a pet, start saving now, because having one can be quite expensive. It depends on your willingness and need to find ways to spend money on them. Most things are NOT necessary. Your pet will never know they are deprived unless you tell them, unless you deprive them of their meals and love. The rest is gravy. Oliver gets lots of gravy.

Yesterday’s vet appointment is a perfect example. I could take Oliver to the local Humane society on Thursday. There, they give shots for a nominal fee. A vet is present and will answer questions. The documents are proof and you are good to go. I could do that. There is one very close to the vet we visited. Many people also leave their dogs home when they travel, paying the neighborhood kid $ a day to feed and play with the pooch. I have two neighborhood kids that would happily oblige.

When needed, Oliver goes to Doggie Day Camp in Carson City. His Doggie Hotel is more than an hour from here. I justify this because the kennel is as clean as my house. The guests are quiet and content. It is not a jail, but a respite from owners that can be quite annoying. I know Oliver will be safe and happy when I pick him up, hence I don’t worry when he is there and I am elsewhere. There is one more reason. Oliver’s vet is in the same building. So, if there WERE a problem, they would contact me immediately and provide necessary care. To me, this is a huge comfort, even though Oliver is 2 years old, healthy, and won’t be getting sick any time soon. Just in case, I choose this place, because, in 2020, I have had to use up my “Just In Case’s” on many unexpected horrors.

Due to Covid, the vet experience in Nevada is as follows. You drive up and phone the vet’s office. They answer and ask you the patient’s name and a car description. A tech comes to your car at the appointment time, asking many questions about Covid and your possible contamination. They take the dog. You wait in the car. When the appointment is done, you have the option of Face Timing with the Vet through an iPad a tech will bring to you. The exam is discussed.

Results of Oliver’s exam.

1. He is overweight. Now, he devours 1/3 cup of food 2x a day. Then, he eats his daily 5 calorie treats, fallen apples, my solar pathway lights, any bones laying around, his disposable water dishes, blankets, envelopes that might have fallen on the ground, and dust bunnies for dessert. He is better than a vacuum. What will happen when I cut down the portion to 1/4 cup, which is about 10 pieces of kibble? I bet I will look pretty darn enticing to the little dog. No can do. Oliver has lost 2 pounds to have a current weight of 23 pounds. He is not losing anymore.

2. Oliver growled at the vet as she was staring into his eyes with a bright, blinding, irritating, nasty exam light. I don’t blame him. I say this as a retired teacher with disrespect intended. REALLY????? This would be like me finding a parent in the parking lot to tell them their child growled at me with attitude four hours earlier in the classroom. Deal with it, Ms. Vet. That is why you get the big bucks. Did he bite you????????? She blabbed on at how Oliver’s eyes were exactly the same color of green as her dog’s eyes, except her dog weighs 100 pounds. Hey, Ms. Vet. Diet? I suggest you put that chubs on a diet. Growl on puppy.

So, after all the driving and waiting, I get the bill before I get Oliver back. $70 for a healthy dog exam, the actual vaccination fee of $17.85, included. Go figure.

Bottom line. Oliver has been a bridge from Wife to Widow to Woman. As a widow during the last seven months, he has been my constant companion and tear mitigator. He is my blog editor. He makes me laugh when it seems I have forgotten how, and he snuggles and listens to my deepest secrets, which he will never share with anyone unless, of course, I cut his food to 1/4 cup twice a day. We shook on that deal. Whatever he needs, I will provide until our days on Earth together finish.

If you have a pet, go out today and get them something unexpected. It will be great for you both. Dollar store has a great selection of all kinds of goodies, and of course, the sky is the limit from there. Spend time outside, but watch the solar path lights. They can slowly disappear. I have now found they are a three step adventure. The top providing yummy wires. The supporting tube full of squishy deliciousness. Then, for a little digging fun, the yummy stake.

Oliver. VST, you fill my heart, still, through the best gift ever given. Sending love your way, VST. Your Darlin, Mrs. H

No Color, No Contrast

Daylight savings arrived like an abrupt door closing in my face. I wasn’t expecting it to affect me this much. The sunset was at 4:54 pm yesterday. Oliver was wondering why his dinner was one hour later. The total darkness after the blue moon of Halloween was startling. This isn’t what I have experienced in winters past.

VST and I had a running debate for all the years we were married. He was a spring summer person, enjoying the fast pace the ranch and life demanded. He loved preparing for harvest from bud break until leaf fall. His skin turned the most beautiful caramel color, and he lived for shorts and tees after working in shirt and tie all day. Even on the hottest of Fresno summer days, his smile said it all. He was summer’s boy.

I, on the other hand, waited for the time to change back, giving me one more hour of precious sleep on that first day of change. I loved having dinner ready as night fell. I felt the silence of the vineyard, grabbing a few days of peace between the last crop and preparations for the next. The greedy vines could sit for just a moment while they went to sleep for the winter. There were a few weeks when they were not demanding all our attention. Winter held more vacation days, letting me nest in my red and green home, while wrapping up in my favorite sweaters and Uggs..

Once we retired, winter was a time we would flee in the RV. A run to Cayucos. Walks on the beach. Visits with my God Mother, TJ, and her friends in Cambria. Delicious Thanksgiving Dinner home cooked with A Street Friends in VC. Christmas. New Years. All with VST and I planning where the rig would take us next. Sitting at Bubba Gumps overlooking the Colorado River in Laughlin? Or walking along the cliffs observing the varying antics of the elephant seals near San Simeon. We always had something chosen to avoid the winter snows of VC. Something warm and sunny. I guess in doing so, I never was hit with darkness at 4:54. For if I was, it was in warm surroundings with the man I loved.

Now, the house has a different feel. Last night, I couldn’t get the lighting bright enough. The shows on TV were not for someone who has working brain. Oliver went into his nighttime surrender to deep sleep, sensing it was 6:30 instead of 5:30. I was too bothered by the extreme dark to even begin to think of sleep. Strange, because the dark has never bothered me before now.

I often laughed at old people that went to sleep with the sun. I’m understanding their rationale more today. For, in dreams, one can still travel to sunny, bright, warm places. Strolling along Waikiki beach, the tradewinds still blow over brilliant seas. In dreams, I can be anything but the old widow I find myself today, bundled in sweats and waiting for the morning sunshine to arrive.

This new dilemma will give me challenges to overcome, but, they are not insurmountable. Crafts, DYI Projects, and new books await. There are plenty of things to do to fill up the night other than sleeping. I will discover new hobbies and find beauty in the night.

I just wasn’t ready for No Color, No Contrast, on this blackest of mornings awaiting sunrise.

SPOT 1 and the RAT

Please indulge me with a horrifying bit of humor for the mind. Although Halloween was yesterday, as I write, we are technically still in Halloween night. The sun has yet to rise here in the Northwestern Nevadan Desert. Things are still creepy and eery outside. The perfect setting for the story of ……………. The Rat.

It was just a year ago. VST and I had made a trip to the Central Coast in the rig. He was already acting a bit different, and I really personalized all the reasons that could be. We never expected there was a physical reason for the changes we both felt. I worried that we had entered a “30+ year curse” in which so many couples of our age found themselves. VST was clammy quiet, but worried about everything.

VST’s favorite gadget was his Garmin navigation tools, having one in each vehicle. He would punch in every waypoint we intended on visiting, and home, as well. I sat in silent, hateful judgement of wires. I despise unsightly wires. He would drape them like party streamers, until I finally just kept my disgust to myself. Behind his desk were balls of wires, all intertwined and covered with dust. They ran under his desk, between the television command center, and sometimes, right through the room.

On the dash of the RV, wires ran for the Blue Ox Braking system to the Jeep, following behind us. The satellite radio system had its own set of very long wires bringing us Willie’s Road House. Even the hand’s free phone system in the RV had wires. The Garmin completed this spaghetti-fied mess. I did my best to wrap and separate them until I decided I needed to contemplate why they bothered me so much. Probably a deeper psychological problem best left for another day.

When we arrived at our favorite coastal RV park the next day , we discovered that we had finally been awarded SPOT 1. Now, let me explain. SPOT 1 is the premium spot of the entire park. You are welcome to Google “Bella Vista by the Sea, Cayucos, Ca”. SPOT 1 is at the front of the park, with only a road and empty lot separating the camper from the entire magnificent view of the Pacific Ocean. SPOT 1 is the desire of all the other spots at this RV Park. It is randomly awarded based on empty status and your arrival date and time. We finally, after three years, hit it right. SPOT 1.

I happily set up shop, while VST worked on hoses for water, and other things. More cords were inserted from plug to rig. Our satellite dish brought us Larame, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, and Channel 2 news from home. I set out hamburger to defrost, and in under an hour, we were living in SPOT 1. VST was still a ball of nerves after the long drive and offered to take Oliver for a walk on the pier. Ollie never turned down a walk, and off they went. VST with his braces, cowboy hat, and cane, and one very happy little dog. I can see them now on their jaunty way. Jaunty–expressing a lively, cheerful, self-confident manner. Boy does that word fit. I always smiled when I saw them head for the pier, which was right outside our window. Did I mention we were in SPOT 1?????????

That evening, VST started worrying in earnest. There was a storm on the horizon. A bad one. The first of the season. Although Cayucos was unbothered, the Eastern Sierras and Northwestern Nevada would be hit hard. High winds. Snow. We could be trapped like the Donner Party. The storm was predicted for the day after our plans would take us home. THE DAY AFTER!!!! Nestled into SPOT 1, it was a restless night of tossing and turning.

May I interject. VST and I had an ongoing difference about living in the moment. No matter how he tried, and try he did, VST could not enjoy the peaceful nature of an “in the moment” experience. He was always “HOPING FOR THE FUTURE AND WORRYING ABOUT THE PAST”, in Joni’s words. This could be so frustrating when driving through miles on U.S Route 395, through some of the most beautiful scenery in the entire US with antlered elk grazing along the road. VST would be mind-locked in worries about weather two weeks away.

On our first beach morning, breakfast was lacking energy. It was as if the miracle of SPOT 1 had an energy drain to it. The day was full of distractions and more weather talk. I was finding the trip tedious and stress producing, so I turned to my novel and the sunshine on the entire lawn we enjoyed because we had been given SPOT 1. Other campers would walk by with looks of disgust, thinking we had purchased our way into heaven. A couple actually stopped to ask how they could reserve such a spot. VST just worked Weather Bug with a worried face, noting the the predictions for the storm had been moved up. The storm would begin in 32 hours.

Moving the rig from VC to Cayucos and back involved four days, two going, two coming, and 1,200 miles of gas and money. It involved going over Tehachapi and Montgomery passes. It involved at least two RV parks, and lots of patience. It also involved 20 hours of driving on VST’s part. My point being, going to Cayucos was a commitment we liked to make for 10 days. Otherwise, the trip was just to involved.

The next morning, as soon as I opened my eyes, VST was looking into them.

“Honey, we need to leave tomorrow morning. As early as possible. The storm is huge.”

“Okay.” It was all that I could come up with at that moment.

When preparing to leave, I like to have a few hours ahead to slowly repack the rig and savour the memories made. So, Oliver and VST left for their walk and I started to bag laundry, and do a bit of cleaning to make negative energy productive. They returned sooner than I had expected.

“Honey, if we’re leaving tomorrow, can we leave today at noon?”

There were just no words. Use your imagination at my frustration and his hopefulness all rolled into one at this very moment.

I am a creature of habit, majorly OCD about some things. The rig was ready to go in no time, without my little routines included. With my irritation and his desire to get on the road, it actually went rather quickly. We were driving down the road to home around noon. On Hwy. 46, to Hwy. 41, to the road to Wasco, towards Bakersfield and beyond. I was looking at my phone. No longer in the moment, I was trying to divert angry steam to some sort of useful energy. Possible new Keto recipes? Christmas decorating tips? New emails?

When.

I.

Saw.

It.

THE. RAT.

YES. A FULL SIZED NORWEGIAN ROOF RAT.

SITTING ON OUR BEAUTIFUL DASH. WITH BLOOD COMING FROM THE NOSE.

STARING AT ME. IN THE EYES.

Horrified, I turned to see VST had seen it at exactly the same time I had. He was now looking just as horrified. My first thought was of his cat-like reflexes. He could jump to grab it, thereby causing our rig to roll out of control and wreck. We were both frozen and fixated on this creature from hell. Still traveling at 55 mph+, VST didn’t move, but pulled off at the service station found at the next intersection, driving us to the back of the lot. The rat didn’t move. Like a laser through my skull, his beady little eyes never let his gaze drift from mine. It just sat there staring at me.

“What do you have to remove it?” VST quietly asked, still clutching the steering wheel.

I found the following. A pan lid and a wooden spoon. He could slide the rodent onto the lid and whisk it out of the rig. VST could do this. He was the man of the moment and capable of such acts of heroism.

The door opened, with a swish, whisk, whoosh, and “OH #$$%^^^$$”, he missed. The rat didn’t. And was now hiding under my seat. The terror increased.

VST didn’t waver in his resolve.

“Don’t worry, Darlin. We’re going to WalMart for supplies.” And off we went.

Our trip to WalMart was straight from Comedy Central. Of course, no one there could have known the problem we were desperate to fix. We bought the following. Large, long cuffed, impenetrable, fireproof, leather gloves intended for cleaning out fireplace ashes. BBQ tongs of the extended variety, shiny spikes for grabbing meat on the ends. An exceptionally large rat trap. A smaller glue filled variety, which caused much debate about the cruelty of being stuck in glue, versus having your neck snapped instantly. One mirror on a stick, created for looking under automobiles. And, a bag of peanut M & M’s. Because, every one of our endeavors went better when we shared a bag of peanut M & M’s.

We went with purpose across the vast parking lot. Both deeply entrenched in the moment. Our ROCKY moment. Our moment of victory against a lowly rat. Our moment of complete partnership towards one end goal. Elimination of the rat in the most efficient and humane way possible.

Upon entering the rig, the silence was deafening. Oliver did not make a whimper. Nor did he ever “RAT OUT” the intruder through its entire tenure in our rolling home. We would speak about this, he and I, after the resolution of the problem at hand.

My seat was checked with the extended mirror. NO RAT. (NR)

The couch was checked. NR. Under the table. NR. Behind the Bed. NR. Under the Bed. NR. Under the frig. NR.

The last place it could be was in the bathroom. Slowly, gently, quietly, we stood. Tongs in one gloved hand. VST crouched. Ready to attack. I slowly opened the door. Ever. So. Slowly……….. And……… Then ……… I …………… Saw……… It………. And………..

SSSSSSSCCCCCCRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAMMMMMEEED.

VST SWOOPPEDGRABBEDRANANDFLUNGTHESQUEALINGRATOUTOFTHERIG.

A more perfectly executed athletic manuever I have never witnessed in my life. We embraced, nearly in tears. The threat had been eliminated and we needed to get out of dodge. We were in California. There could be a RAT RESCUE group and we could be arrested for WHATEVER. It is California, folks.

The trip home was less tense. VST was definitely in the moment after that. The tension and anger of the earlier morning was gone as we relived the moment in laughter. For the tiniest time, the present outweighed the coming storm. It was one of our funniest and finest moments, never knowing it was next to the last time I would be his wingman on some fantastical journey taken by us. VST, are forever my hero. A shrine is almost finished in the garage to honor the day you took HERO to an entirely new level.

Comfort Food

My widow weight loss has been negated. I find comfort in food. Period. Especially Carbs. Can you relate here?

The days after VST died were a blur. Although no casseroles arrived at my door, the first thing that did was an amazing lemon cake. Moist and heavenly, adorned with a beautiful stenciled design out of powdered sugar. Of course, this was from our dear friends who were just retired from years at the restaurant in town. Just the perfect amount of flour, sugar, sweetness, and tart. It went beautifully with a side of tears.

Cafe del Rio in VC really kept me alive for my last days there. Due to Covid, they were only open for dinner Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Those days, at 4:05, I would drive down to retrieve my dunch. Dinner-next day’s lunch. I am a huge fan of their Steak Tacos. You will not be disappointed. And better yet, the Gospel Fried Chicken. MMD is now a convert. The secret recipe is straight from heaven, along with mashed potatoes, the best slaw, and of course, corn steamed and cut right from the cob. Truly a masterpiece.

Although I know I kept the frig full, I really don’t remember much else. For those three days of the week, I had fresh, hot, food. The rest of the time, I made do with whatever. It didn’t matter.

VST and I were always chasing the last 20 pounds. For two years, we were on the Keto Diet, and did so well. VST trimmed off 50 pounds in a flash, me 30. It was the way we enjoyed eating anyway. I made delightful recipes, including cheesecake, tasting just like the real deal. We had lasagna, peanut butter cookies, and ice cream. We lost weight keeping our carbs at a measly 20. Just start looking at nutritional values. Even cold syrup has carbs. Lots of them. It was easy to eliminate most.

I loved my dieting buddy. We would both have cravings on the same day and decide together that it would be okay to stray from our diet. The next day, we would find our resolve and again and get back on. I miss having my partner in dietary decisions.

Once I moved, life was different. I now live in civilization where it is possible to get food delivered to your door. What a concept!!!! I make a call. 20 minutes later, the hottest, freshest pizza arrives!!!!! Subway is just down the street. Chinese food? Ready in ten minutes with a phone call. Burgers so juicy they drip all over. The list goes on and on.

I can say, Subway has done the most to sustain my life. One six inch sandwich lasts for lunch and dinner, with a White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookie (a nod to the islands, of course), and a bag of Classic Lays on the side. I could exist on that for many weeks, and have. It is so my favorite, that Subway catered the lunch for VST’s memorial. Always fresh and custom, they are my go-to place when I need two quick meals. I mean, JARED did it, right???

Things were going okay. My widow weight was good. I had lost 10 of the 20 pounds I needed to, and was feeling that I might actually “reduce excess poundage without risking overexertion”, (an example in the dictionary for poundage, which I found so perfect in this example). Overexertion is something I try to avoid at all costs, perhaps a topic for future blog.

My downfall showed up in a box from Amazon. Cuisinart Ice Cream and Gelato Maker with a commercial quality compressor-freezer and fully automatic operation. Oh My. In 30 minutes, this whips up the finest homemade ice cream ever. In all honesty, MMD, in one of our early conversations, inspired such a frivolous purchase. Any person in whom I would have the least bit of interest with would need to demonstrate a true love of ice cream. Quite important research.

VST and I shared that love. As newlyweds, VST, more than once, went for emergency hot fudge sundae supplies at midnight, coming home with all the trimmings. When things were just on the brink of falling apart at the ranch, a quick 25 minute drive into town to Baskin-Robbins would make things seem less dismal. The comfort in a cone would renew our resolve to fix our problems and move on. That never changed. Funny thing, we never invested in an ice cream maker. He would have loved this machine.

I discovered, on MMD’s last visit, that my recipe substituting Splenda is, indeed, a very good recipe. Perhaps now, Keto is back in my future. With this new recipe, the carbs will be very low, the fat content very high. Again, VST is smiling for me.

With the ice cream problem fixed, I come to my next big appliance purchase of the month. The Ninja Foodi 5 in 1 Indoor Grill. Not 3 in 1 or 4 in 1. 5 in 1. It Sears. It Sizzles. It Air Fries. It Crisps. It Dehydrates. All with Cyclonic Grilling Technology. It is just flat out amazing. So far, I have grilled steaks and hamburgers, both being delicious. I crisped a frozen quiche and it, too, turned out wonderful. This is now on my favorite appliance list.

Cooking for one is nearly impossible, and definitely not fun. With these two appliances, I am hoping that my diet will expand from 3″ Subway sandwiches 2xdaily, to some more interesting choices that are Keto friendly.

If you are thinking of trying Keto, be sure to consider the following.

  1. Splenda substitutes for sugar pretty well in any recipe without too much of an altered taste or texture.
  2. Almost every single recipe has a Keto adaptation online. Just google what it is you want to make and look for the substitution.
  3. Look for Sugar-Free condiments at the store. There is No-Sugar Added Ketchup, Sugar free BBQ sauce, and even Teriyaki Sauce that are all delicious.
  4. Reece’s Sugar Free Peanut Butter Cups are so satisfying. Just remember, the sweetner used has gastric consequences. Just sayin.

My favorite Peanut Butter recipe is the following.

1 cup of any peanut butter, 1 cup Splenda, I egg. Mix. Roll into balls and flatten with a fork. Bake at 350 for 10 minutes. Enjoy. They are also great if you add 1/3 of a cup of Sugar Free Chocolate Chips by Hershey. Yes, they have such a thing in the baking isle.

Comfort foods. We need to find comfort where we can, when we can. Sometimes the extra pounds just need to be there for a bit while we find our way. Heck. Now that I remember the date, the diet can wait until TOMORROW! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Don’t Let the Old Woman In

I am living between wife and widow. Swaying towards the past, leaning into the future, trying to find my balance in the middle without a terrible fall. Rather like that childhood toy, the punching clown. If you have kids as old as mine, they might have had a similar toddler’s toy. A four foot blow up clown, with a weighted bottom. Toddlers loved to punch the nose and sending it flinging backwards, with a return trip up to knock them down, resulting in giggles and “Do it again’s”.

I hate clowns. Grief is the worst of all. White paste faced, exaggerated emotions, overly decorated to be one thing at all times, clowns can be any living thing underneath. Evil. Sad. Compromising. Denying. Angry. Bargaining. Depressed. Any real feelings might even be noticeable through the makeup, but the outward illusion dominates the focus of others. Anything at all can be painted on the outside. With clowns, you never know what you are going to get once inside. Just like grief. I REALLY hate clowns. Not to be trusted.

This Halloween doesn’t find me in the costume of a clown. Even though I feel like the clown toy as I bob and sway, my center is happiness. These days, I am anchored there most of the time. A gust of memories might blow me back a bit, but resilience helps me return to center. There are less times that memories of being the wife I am no longer disturb my peace. There are more times, the terror of aging widowhood sneaks up on me. I cannot let the old woman in.

We all have experienced it. A surprise visit from mother or grandmother in the mirror. It’s shocking, to saw the least. In my bathroom, I have a picture taken when VST and I had been married for a moment. This girl. Beautiful. In blue lace, with bluer eyes. A sweet girl in love, apparent in the expression she had for her VST photographer. The prettiest of pictures, that one is the one I think of as me. The reality is, those days are gone. The old woman has a foot hold and is setting up shop.

I never knew so many things could sink and sag at once. Grief has accelerated the process. New clothes, a bit of walking, staying busy, finding happiness, these thing have all helped. But, the truth of the matter is, I need to embrace the fact that I am of Medicare age. Signed up and waiting for December 16th, when I will be a part of that new system. I think the most similar experience for me was going into school as a kindergartner. A milestone in life. Now, I find myself a full fledged, card carrying, senior citizen.

Willie Nelson asked a great question. How old would you be if you didn’t know the day you were born? Some days, my answer would be 120. Other days 12. But his question made me realize, most days, I would not say 65. My average would be somewhere in the mid-forties to fifties. Happy years that were so incredibly busy and full with careers, projects, and love.

The old woman at the door. I cannot let her rob me of choosing just how I feel by pasting a number on my forehead. Life should’t be defined by passing years. The moment doesn’t depend on a number, but on choices, opportunities, and experiences.

The kids, who are adults, came to help me on the 8th of October. They helped me make that day a beautiful celebration of 6 months of survival as a widow. They helped me make it a beautiful day of honoring their dad, 6 months an angel. We decided to decorate for Halloween. One of the things I selected was a paper witch, which obviously flew into my door. Her flattened body can only be seen from the back, and she is hanging on my door. She has new meaning. That is the old woman. Tried to get in. Smashed flat as a pancake on my door. Sorry honey, the old woman needs to stay away for now.

This ageless woman has things to do. Words to write. A book to sell. She needs to see Hawaii about 50 more times. And go to Paris for the weekend, just once. She needs to love again. She needs to keep laughing and embrace life. There is no time for hours rocking away the day while wallowing somewhere between wife and widow. She needs to find the next in between. That place between Widow and Woman. Happiness is there. I know because I am spending days there. Sorry Old Woman, there’s no time for you right now.

Dunmovin – Part 2

Goodbye. Such a word. Sometimes Bye is a Good thing. Many times not. Yesterday was both. Good because the reality is, MMD and I have very full and busy lives that need tending. Business, writing, family, friends, and our day to day existence are all outside of the bubble in which we placed ourselves for a few days. Not so good for the obvious reasons you might think. We had a wonderful time just being mud ducks. Yesterday, there were no outward tears, only promises of a return. With that, he took flight and was gone.

Coming home to the empty house just was. Not anything descriptive. It just WAS. Everything the same as before, just quiet. A cup of coffee, half filled and cold. A bar stool askew. Laundry in mid cycle. Dishes in the sink. Evidence of activity only hours old.

I sat in the recliner with Oliver and thought for awhile. Just took inventory of the events from Saturday past until now. Every little detail, joke, and look. I filed them in my brain for easy retrieval, while periodically texting with MMD as he flew over the desert I love so much. Hawthorne, Mina, Luning, Tonopah, Goldfield, Beatty. Places I have eaten and slept, but never seen from the air.

The rest of the day was spent resting. I finished watching The King and I, and, sadly, the Kind still died. I stretched a Subway sandwich between lunch and dinner. I held Oliver and told him secrets he assured me he will hold dear. With some things he agreed, with others he gave me his judgmental gaze, before promptly falling asleep from sheer and utter boredom. With little else to occupy my time, writing brought solace through thoughts and words swirling in my head. MMD had landed safely, while focus and clarity settled my soul.

At 4:20, my phone alerted that a text had arrived. I always like to guess who is contacting me before looking. The list of possibilities is short, but I didn’t expect this.

On the screen flashed one picture, no text was needed.

The visual was confirmation that I HAD seen the name on the house. I could really drink this in without being considered a stalker. The image was so perfect. In my mind, there was nothing that would symbolize VST and I better than two mustangs in a clearing, surrounded by trees. We had found a safe place to settle and rest, protected from the dangerous elements of our world. Although we were part of a much larger herd, for a time, we were traveling alone, enjoying the fresh grass and each other. That sign said everything VST would have wanted it to say, and yet, was totally chosen for new owners with their own stories and reasons for selecting it.

How did the Mrs. know that this would mean the world to me? How did she decide to send it at just the right moment? Did she see me at the moment I saw this for the first time? I had been so stunned, I didn’t notice if anyone was present. She couldn’t have known that this visual would bring me back to the wonderful day MMD and I had shared on Sunday. Her thoughtfulness and sweet soul I first met when I found a still warm loaf of bread left at the back door after VST had died. I had cried the ugly cry then, too, in the midst of Covid solitude and grief.

The picture reminded me that I stood so many times eating grapes at the top step from a very abused and neglected vine that, in spite of that, provided summer sweetness. I spent hours painting railings and trim, washing windows, or spraying the patio to prepare this home for them. The perfect naming spot had always been right where they hung their plaque, we just hadn’t known that.

I immediately sent a text to her, thanking her for the picture, and letting her know the ugly cry had got me at the initial sight of something so unbelievably humbling and beautiful. I also sent her the link to the blog, saying the day had been documented under the name DunMovin. A few minutes later, she assured me that she, too, had experienced the ugly cry while reading it. The Mrs. is a good, good woman. DunMovin is hers to love.

Virginia City, Nevada. She pulls all the strings. She knows things. Important things. Lasting things. She chooses her own. She keeps some people. She lets some go. I think maybe, just maybe, she had a little bit of compassion and sorrow at how things ended for me. She is making amends and we are settling our differences, little by little, Virginia City, and I. Through the sweetness and grace of two very dear new owners, VST is smiling. There is a name on a place he loved so much. A perfect name for two that have come home, a perfect name remembering two that moved on. In that, I find peace.

Frost

Note–Today’s piece includes bolded words from a song I listened to last night (ALL BOLDED WORDS WRITTEN BY JONI MITCHELL). One of the most beautiful pieces from Joni Mitchell, I had never heard it. If interested Google “Joni Mitchell, Come In From The Cold”. It speaks about me at this time in my life. But then, it’s Joni, my soul sister. Thank you for being patient with my creative endeavor. Enjoy.

I FEAR THIS SENTENCE OF SOLITUDE, TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON HOLD.

Frost will not be denied. Near Halloween, its killing ways come a few days earlier or later, but, always with immediate results. The last few days of balmy autumn are behind us and the mornings are frigid. I haven’t been paying attention, finding my happiness in the sunshine rays of late mornings and laughter at my own watering hole with MMD. Just forgetting anything but moments now.

OH, AND, ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS TO COME IN FROM THE COLD.

I AM NOT A STONE COMMISSION, LIKE A STATUE IN THE PARK.

As the cold came upon the high desert the last few days, the winds grounded Goodbye. I had time to relax at the pond, getting to know MMD better. A good thing and a bad thing all mixed up in a pile of leaves. Winter is almost here, which will lead to early darkness and snow. No matter who the visitors are, the cold will turn them away towards warmer places.

In just the time it took for my gaze to turn upward seeing MMD drop from the sky in a Bonanza of possibilites until the today of farewell, my yard has taken on a new look. It morphed over nights, reminding me of the dying spring last with VST. Leaves that were golden and beautiful now cover the ground in brownish grays. The bone chilling reality of winter’s approach is here, and I must say, I feel a bit threatened and alone.

LONG BLUE SHADOWS OF mustangs, grasses grazed on by the road, OH ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS TO COME IN FROM THE COLD.

Days have passed and truly, the laughter has been the healthiest of medicines for me. I’m a realistic woman, knowing that when happiness lights on your shoulder, you need to embrace the moment and enjoy it. The chance for real communication shouldn’t be ignored or squandered. Meeting at a pond doesn’t guarantee anything except some water and rest, for lifetime alliances take years to create. Just facts of life at the watering hole.

DOES HIS SMILE’S COVERT complexity DEBASE AS IT ADMIRES? (JUST A FLU WITH A FEVER?) ARE YOU CHECKING OUT YOUR MOJO OR AM I JUST FIGHTING OFF GROWING OLD (JUST A HIGH FEVER)? ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS TO COME IN FROM THE COLD.

I often question how MMD and I both appeared at the watering hole of internet dating at the right time to find each other. He, the polymath. Me, the sapiosexual. (Please look up the terms before judging.) Months have passed and I’ve not tired of his quick wit and intelligence. The watering hole has been an interesting place to hang out, but, one never lives their lives on the run. That fact is not lost on me.

I KNOW WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT, NEVER ENTIRELY CLEAR. WE will GET HURT AND WE will JUST PANIC. AND WE will STRIKE OUT OF FEAR. (YOU WERE ONLY BEING KIND).

So, MMD will again migrate today, heading west towards a life not parallel to mine. For now, our lives can only intersect at future points. Initial loneliness at the watering hole will diminish as new memories appear from far and wide, just to settle, drink, and rest awhile. For now, there are plenty of leaves to rake.

I FEAR THE SENTENCE OF SOLITUDE, TWO HUNDRED YEARS ON HOLD. OH, AND ALL WE EVER WANTED WAS TO COME IN FROM THE COLD.

Shortcuts

It’s amazing how many shortcuts I have discovered during my years in Nevada. They hide in plain site unless you know them, and once you do, they are your first choice. Ramsey Weeks Cutoff. Turn right at the red barn. Left at the biggest cottonwood, not the one that is dead. Down the dirt road until you come to a fork in the river, and then, there you are. Nevada is full of shortcuts, often convenient. Sometimes the roads are not groomed, or even there at all. Dirt roads, gravel roads, ways unknown to Garmin. Ways full of the most amazing sites and sounds saved for those who know.

VST hated new shortcuts. It takes trust to turn on a road hoping it joins up to the main highway somewhere along the way. Therein was the problem. VST was a black and white guy that wanted everything mapped out before the Jeep ever left the drive. ETD and ETA were always calculated along with approximate time used in between. He metered minutes like gold, maximizing time and squeezing the most out of life that he possibly could. I find myself not as good at this.

Now, the shortcut for which I am searching doesn’t exist, anymore than teleportation. A turnoff from unexpected grief and sadness. The road through my wilderness is odd. Things can be going along great, even marvelous. New friends. Unexpected phone calls. Welcomed visits. Happiness. Calm and quiet. But for the briefest moments, terror in the dark woods. Fleeting thoughts dangle. What if? When? How will I? Why? How could it? Where are you? Treacherous obstacles that can trip up the most solid individual, resulting in racing hearts and sweaty palms.

I navigate through, hoping to avoid a fall and massive head injury, or worse. Sooner than soon, the path clears and I arrive at new and wonderful destinations. Thankfully, the detours are less these days. But, they arrive when they want to, not exactly because I have chosen to turn in that direction.

It is said that grief will not be denied, lest it will be there to fester later, like an unhealed wound. This worries me. These days, approaching Month 8, I find myself content and happy. I look around and marvel at the semblance of order I see in my day to day life. It is similar to my old life, but a new life all its own. I look at pictures on the wall hanging in new groupings or places they haven’t ever been. A “kitchen” picture now hangs in the bedroom. A favorite vase always in the china hutch now hugs fresh flowers on my dining room table. New perspectives on old belongings. Every aspect of my life is now mine to decide. I own the results.

Anger has eluded me so far. I question what exactly it is that I should be angry about? I suppose I could sit on that bench for awhile, rolling around in Anger-ville, but it seems pointless. It also seems a shame to cloud wonderful years of my life with bitterness. For any dark thought, I can always come up with thoughts of gratefulness that are comforting.

VST was a proud, stoic, funny, intelligent guy. I must believe in my heart that his passing was exactly as he chose. He had been sick for longer than we embraced the reality. Looking back, the visions of things to come were appearing in lonely nights in Cheyenne, and even on the bluffs of San Simeon. Unidentified and years prior to death, there were cancerous moments that remained unexplained until, in retrospect, everything became clear. If we would have discovered the end years before, the end would have still arrived. Cholangiocarcinoma will not be mitigated or denied. Like seeing an unavoidable car crash from years before, while speeding towards the inevitable with eyes wide open. I am thankful that our car crash was immediate and final, and I know VST felt the same.

This road of grief will lead me through different landscapes, but, I am still in control of me. For those moments when it becomes overwhelming, I know God will walk with me through the worst, and heal me. Knowing that, I continue on.

DunMovin

Yesterday, with internet down, I went on a visit to VC. My friend, Mr. MudDuck, MMD, was visiting and we decided to venture out to buy a cowboy hat, as his had been lost. VC is a great place for such purchases, with hats ranging in cost from $30 all the way up to $Thousands.

The weather was a beautiful golden day, autumn leaves showing their color all the way up Six Mile Canyon. Bright blue skies were above the beautiful mountains surrounding VC. Sugarloaf Mountain watched over the town, already bustling with tourists by 11:45. The usual fight to find a parking space was on, and we parked toward the south end of town, and walked back to the hat shop.

So many choices were on display. Stetsons, straw or wool felt, in every type of brim possible. Black, tan, grey, brown, and every color in between. We were in hat heaven, and after a complete search, settled on a chocolate brown Stetson that fit just right. Happy with the purchase, we walked around the town a bit, and I ventured into the post office to check my mail box, which was empty. I guess it is time that I relinquish my keys and possession of the box back to the Post Mistress, giving up my last physical tie to VC.

Noon had passed and we were both hungry. We decided to visit the restaurant that had kept me fed while VST was so ill, and after he was gone. The owners had been so gracious, watching over me and making sure my orders were hot and fresh when they were picked up. We both ordered the Gospel Fried Chicken with mashed potatoes, gravy, and cole slaw, which was just the best.

They seated us by the window in front of the 100 mile view, while the ghosts of so many meals past ran through my head. How many times VST and I had eaten there with all the A Street Gang and the former owners. How many special parties had been planned and celebrated. Just last January, VST and I had enjoyed a meal, announcing that we were planning to stay for at least another year in VC. I remember the neighbors all happily cheering. It was then, VST announced that our house had a name that he had chosen. The DunMovin House. Period. Because, we were DUN MOVIN.

At the end of our lunch, the new owners brought us a piece of cheesecake to share. When VST was so sick, and after he had passed, I would call in my orders on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So many times, there was a piece of cheesecake included, just because. Just because they knew my heart was breaking. Because they knew it would make me feel the least bit better. Because they cared so much. That cheesecake was LOVE.

MMD had mentioned that perhaps we could stay in VC for the night sometime, so it was the perfect time to take a ride around the town. I found myself driving right up to A Street to view the Cobb Mansion, a lovely old Victorian that would be a nice place to spend the night. I kept traveling down A Street past neighbors, thinking of all memories six years could hold. It had been impossible for me to return even for a few minutes until recently and now, there I was, almost to our old house.

The new owners obviously loved her as much as we had, and she looked just the same. MMD commented on the deck and how fantastic the view must be from up there. I assured him it was. And, then, I saw. I burst into the ugly cry, almost driving off the road as we went past. MMD didn’t understand what I had seen that he hadn’t, and besides, wouldn’t have understood what made the tears flow instantly.

To go back in time, VST had passed and it was the Friday of my moving weekend. T and K were visiting to help with the move, when the phone ran. It was the new buyers asking if they could stop by. It was the perfect time for them to do so, as I had time to show them lots of details about the house.

During their visit, the topic of naming houses came up. I mentioned to them that although there was no plaque on the house, VST had, indeed, named it DunMovin. I shared the story of the day at the restaurant with neighbors surrounding us while they listened intently.

“Well, this is interesting, because on the way to see you tonight, we were having a discussion about what to name the house. We couldn’t come up with anything,” said Jim. ‘How would this name have been spelled?”

“DunMovin.”

“Just as I would have spelled it myself.” He smiled. “We shall name the house ‘DunMovin’ in honor of VST.” Just like that.

Getting back to yesterday….. I was looking at the top deck, when, my gaze fell to the front door on the bottom floor. To the side, in at least 10″ letters was the name “DunMovin” in flat black metal, sharp and crisp. It was then, I lost it. Well done, VST, well done.

That part of my life is finished. Like a deliciously wonderful novel, in which the reader slows their pace to make it last longer. It was the most beautiful story lived in real life together there on A Street. In fact, VST was DunMovin here on earth, and has moved on into his new heavenly digs. I pray the new owners find every bit of sweet loveliness built into all VST’s projects with skill and perfection. I hope it wraps them with comfort, as it did us.

DunMovin House, A Street, Virginia City, Nevada. Go see her. She is magnificent.

Guy On The Hill

Waiting for widowhood to come is a grueling task. VST and I often talked about our wishes should the unthinkable happen. It would usually be banter about who would check out first, and why. ending up with both of us being certain we would be the lucky one to go. Never did we see our Easter surprise approaching. Yet, we watched it approach for at least two years, unrecognized as the killer it was. When the diagnosis came, we were told we had two months. In reality, we endured Hospice services for 7 day, and VST was gone, the worst of the cancerous nightmare, nine weeks, from start to finish.

VST was my guy climbing the hill to come home to me every night. For the last 13 years, we lived in the mountains, trying to get as far away from civilization as possible. While working, each of us chose a one hour commute to and from work. As a teacher, I was always home first. Dinner on the stove, my internal clock would alert me to the fact that he was on his way home, no matter what I was doing. Then the phone would ring, confirming it.

Each day, he would wind his way home, coming “the back way”. After dealing with management stressors of Child Protective Services, his safe place was back on the hill with me. He would call as soon as he left work, the strain in his voice palpable through my phone. He was never allowed to discuss details, so we would talk of DYI projects, or the latest play we were involved with. The twists and turns would lead him back and forth, as he unwound like a spring, until his voice would be gone, because the reception was too poor. Ten minutes later, he would walk through the door. I lived for the car on the hill, taking turn after turn as he came home to me. My life was the richest when he was there. Once home, he shed his suit and tie, and became VST. Sporting shorts and tees with his bronze tan showing through, he could forget about the horrors of the day and just be.

Through the years, we became involved with a theater group offering melodramas to the mountain community. That involved night time drives up the hill to become people we weren’t. He always made friends so easily, and soon became the hero of the theater with his booming voice and handsome looks. He easily made every damsel swoon, on stage. In real life, I was lucky enough to be his leading lady.

When we moved to VC, the hill became a mountain. Mt. Davidson. Geigher Grade, a Nevada State Highway, was the mountain road we used to go to Reno. Many people avoid VC because of it, due to many possible hazards. Boulders, some the size of small horses, fall so often, the road crews groom it daily. Blinding snow in the winter often closes this route. Mustangs saunter across it in the winter, standing on the road in the middle of blind curves to lick the salt. Geigher Grade is not for the faint of heart.

Once we moved to VC, I stopped driving for six years. I can’t give you a reason why, except that VST was a wonderful driver and he loved it. I was a wonderful driver who hated it. So, he drove and I was wingman. This worked, until it didn’t. When cancer came knocking, I suddenly became the designated driver after never having driven in the snow. How I avoided this, I know not. But, avoid it I had.

VST had a doctor’s appointment in Reno, and by then, was too weak and sick to drive. So, just like that, I was now the driver. There was an added tension in the car, as snow was still falling in March. Not enough to close GG, but enough to create ice. Enough to engage the 4 wheel drive, which will help you navigate through snow, but not do much to mitigate a skid on ice. I didn’t mention that in many places, the plunge from GG, should you skid off, was 500 feet or more. Straight down. Unsurvivable. Eleven miles of switchbacks, and the most heavily used route to VC.

As we left for the doctor, VST in his patient way, had to explain, through pain and confusion, how to engage the 4WD, and when to slow down. He watched for ice and horses until he fell asleep, half way down the mountain. My first drive in snow was a total success, even earning a compliment from him, although he did mention I went over the yellow line twice, smiling at his critique.

Today, I remember that boy on the hill hurrying home from work to my arms for 32 years. You could set dinner on the table steaming and he would appear with a “Hey Darlin, it smells great in here. Let’s eat.” The house has stopped smelling great at 6 pm, because cooking for one just isn’t the same. Dinner time might be at 3pm or 8 pm now, because it isn’t planned around another, just me.

I am sure at some point, I will be again waiting for a special person, but, there are no hills where I live now. Just flat straight roads. There is little snow here, and the sense of danger is much less. I am slowly becoming the person that makes friends easily. My driving is safe and sound, and, even though I still don’t always love it, I am finding my way.

So, where in the heavens, can that boy be? I am sure he is driving up hills, laughing all the way. Making friends, and find new parts to play. Save the best part for me, VST. I will happily be your leading lady when I arrive someday.

Memorializing Me

To write is to breathe. To write your life is to listen to your inner soul and translate thoughts and feelings to paper or computerized characters. Such a quiet, unassuming activity to those watching from afar. All encompassing if done right, the writer is transported to another plane to heal, while giving memories life. I am a writer. I knew this early on.

I wouldn’t ever agree that my childhood existed on a REAL farm. A REAL farm would have at least three animals in excess of 1500 lbs., along with the smells and noises that go along with that. A REAL farm would have a barn with a loft full of hay. We had neither. We lived on a vineyard of 40 acres. Roughly 16,000 Thompson Seedless grape vines, most planted in the early 1950’s of a variety that is almost entirely extinct today.

There were animals on our farm. Hundreds at times. But, to me, they counted not. They didn’t whiny, neigh, or moo. They didn’t give milk. You couldn’t ride them on grand adventures. The only thing they did is provide meat. For a family of seven, that was everything. They were a great source of food, but little other value to a writer that needed visual confirmation of truths. My truth was, we lived in the country, not on a farm. We needed a horse.

One day at school, my wise teacher announced that she had read about a contest just right for me. It was a writing contest. My beloved teachers knew that I was a special writer even in grade school. Knowing my longings and my heart, in her most beautiful, calm way, she whispered, “Joy, the prize is a Morgan colt.” She had my full attention.

The Morgan Horse. Equus caballus, all traced back to a stallion named Figure born in 1789, suitable for beginners. Totally American. Everything about the Morgan horse became first hand knowledge to me by the time I returned home that afternoon. Racing into the house, I told my mother at once that I would be winning my own Morgan horse soon. That we needed to ready a corral of the correct proportions and build a big red barn, because it needed respite from the hot summers and our wet, dreary winter fog. We would need to go shopping for brushes, buckets, halters, leads, and everything a horsewoman would need. Because. I. Was. Winning. The. Horse. Period.

My mother was in her own world at the kitchen sink and didn’t lift her head to say Hello, or even hear me enter the house.

Education was key as I was growing up. There was always plenty of lined paper, pencils, erasers, and a dictionary too heavy to lift that we were required to use when we ran across a unknown word. I quickly grabbed everything I needed and got to work. Two hours later, my finished piece in hand, I ran to her for the first proofreading and suggestions. Her words killed my dreams.

“A what? What assignment is this? For what class? Where is your homework for tonight? Look at the time. Child, we have no room for a horse, nor are we getting a horse, nor will this writing win anything but a trip to the trash. What is that woman teaching you these days?”

In astonishment, I looked at her with wide, broken eyes, as my manuscript dropped flatly to the trash, unread. Dreams of my favorite scent, horse sweat, vanished. Someone else would win that colt to love and cherish until it died. I had already decided that colt was my real family, and would be until I was at least 40, becoming the oldest child in my dreams. Secretly retrieving it, I mailed off that very entry with a stolen envelope and stamp, uncorrected and genuine. I waited at the mailbox for weeks, often sitting at the drive for signs that a beautiful horse trailer would drive right around the corner with my horse inside. This added up to a lot of waiting in the wind for nothing.

My writing spirit didn’t die that day. It was born. In my darkest days, it was writing that has helped me survive life. Through the death of my boyfriend to cardiac arrest at just age 16, adventures in the Swiss Alps, college, a solitary life in Moldova, marriage, children, divorce, and life, key parts were memorialized with writing. Joni Mitchell, who is perhaps one of life’s all time BEST writers through lyrics, once wrote, “Laughing and Crying, it’s the same release”. I would concur. However, I would add writing to the laughing and crying.

VST was not patient or understanding of my literary needs. He was going, doing, and noisily planning projects years down the road. Being left handed, handwriting was a tedious, laborious task that he tried to avoid. Writing memorialized too many clues about personal feelings for others to find in years to come. It revealed too much of his very private heart. He was always silently curious about the fascination and love I had for writing. I always felt he was annoyed that the pencil was not something he could fully win against. He only mentioned one time in 32 years that he would love to know what I was writing in a personal journal, and I declined to share. The judgement would have taken me back to the sink and my mother so many years before. VST never fully appreciated that I am a writer. And a good one.

Now, open the floodgates and let the words roll. There is no one here to discount them as they fly out of my fingers onto the screen. No one to change a story that, in my memory, is correct and factual. No one to say, “You Can’t Write THAT!!!!” “You Shouldn’t Write THAT!!!!!” “A Nice Girl would never say THAT!!!!!” Or worst of all, “That is Terrible. You will NEVER publish anything”. No one except myself, and that voice is weakening every day.

I wrote a few days ago that I am a woman to be reckoned with. I embrace those words. Although the Morgan horse was never mine, I live among the mustangs now. We are free agents here on the high desert. Fat and sassy. On the move. Choosing our next steps with wise eyes and full hearts. We are Nevada. I wonder what stories they would write if they could. If I listen and watch carefully enough, I bet they will tell me.

Buy a journal. Write YOU!!!!!!

Holidays — Plan Happiness

Halloween is nearly upon us, beginning the cycle of holidays over the next weeks and months. Hard to believe that Easter 2020 was the start new beginnings for me. As the months have marched on, only one dreaded anniversary has passed so far. I made a conscious choice to celebrate instead of mourn. I have those same intentions for the next three months, so my planning has already started.

In VC, Halloween was a major event. On C Street. Perfect place considering the ghostly inhabitants that are regulars in the town. In case you didn’t know, VC is full of spirits, liquids and the other type, too. For a time, there was a Zombie Run in which participants went overboard to dress up, choosing a type of character. Walking Dead or Victim. Each Victim had a flag. The Walking Dead were to steal the flags of the Undead. All of this in a town built in 1875. At the start of the race, the runners were trapped in shipping containers and released at certain intervals. Very Halloween-ish.

Local kids dressed up and participated in the parade down C Street, while the shop owners had candy for them. Up on A Street, it was silent. No doorbell rang. Nothing. Just another day in VC. I might mention Halloween is not the only holiday celebrated in my state. October 30th is Nevada Day, formerly known as Admission Day. There are huge parades and celebrations then, too. This is all very confusing and busy, with parades going everywhere. The two events compete with each other. Both get their share of attention.

VST and I only dressed up a few times for Halloween during our marriage. The most memorable time was when we were newly married. We were invited to a REAL adult Halloween party. The host was sparing no details and it was important that we looked just right. I sewed two full body costumes. VST went as a felt shark. I went as a cute fish. It was one of the most fun nights of my life, and the costumes were a hit.

My kids, who are not kids but fun loving adults, came to visit me just a few weeks ago. They helped me decorate the house with appropriate ghosts, spiders, and ghouls. Again, I find myself in a neighborhood in which I may have two resident Trick or Treat-ers, my favorite neighborhood brothers. I already bought them special treats.

For my Halloween plans, I intend to do the following. Black light cleaning of the bathroom. This is truly the scariest thing you will every do. Buy a black light at the pet store. It is meant to identify wayward kitty and puppy urine. When urine is present, it glows under the black light. If you want to see it in action, please go to YouTube and Look for “Gals in Grace-Black Light Cleaning”. I hope you find this as hilarious as I did. Black light cleaning is not for the faint at heart and a great way to spend Halloween morning. The upside is that during Covid, we cannot be clean enough. So, run to the store, get one, and try it out in your bathrooms.

I plan to watch scary movies all day. I’m going to make a special Tonic drink for the evening, and enjoy the magic of black lighting. The quinine, present in Tonic, glows, making a ghoulish concoction. I don’t drink alcohol, so my “drinks” are always virginal. But, this is a fun thing to do whether celebrating alone, or hosting a party. One year, the A Street neighbors were down and we all had ghoulish libations. Such a sweet memory.

The time is changing the day after Halloween. This is a small challenge, because Oliver and I get up every day to go to work writing very early. By 5, he is awake and wanting his breakfast. On November 1, we will all be wanting that extra hour of sleep, but, Oliver doesn’t wear a watch. It may take a few mornings for him to adjust his sleeping schedule. Maybe me, too. I love this time of year. The darkness gives permission for my early bedtime. Dinners of rich stews and casseroles. Bright star lit skies. A need for extra blankets on the bed. All delicious to me. VST hated this time of year. He was a Spring/Summer guy. To my Fall/Winter, he cringed, knowing the cold would bring extra pain and hours of darkness that he could not create things outside. On this we never found common ground, but were happy for our partner in their perfect time of year.

November 1 is the day I give myself permission to start decorating for Christmas. I love having the house fully decorated for Thanksgiving. So, the boxes will slowly come in. This year, I plan to go all out. I just purchased a large yard display that simply says “JOY”. I plan to enjoy Christmas music all season, and say Merry Christmas to people I meet. I plan to wrap myself in the meaning of the season. Love. Birth. Happiness. Wonder. Family. Memories. All of it.

On Thanksgiving, I have my day planned. Oliver and I are quite thankful for each other. We are going to spend the day watching TV and cooking the best Thanksgiving dinner of my life. Complete with all the trimmings. We’re going to share cuddle time and be grateful for all the wonderful blessings we have, eating too much and going into a turkey coma together. If others can come, there will be plenty, but, Ollie and I will be enough, by ourselves.

I am planning to have an afternoon Meet and Greet holiday party for those on my “New” street on my birthday. I haven’t met many of the people that live here, and this will be an opportunity to have a party with my New Friends . Of course, the little boys down the street will be invited, as well as the neighbor next door that is one of the “Gals in Grace”. I plan to invite old friends from my life in VC, as well. Any of you that know me know I don’t celebrate my birthday, ever. It’s on December 16th. Just the worst time of year for a birthday. This year, that day is going down as the BEST day, and I plan to enjoy every minute.

A Holiday letter will be to everyone that helped me get through 2020, another tradition that is new to me. I have a long list and will enjoy sending cards out to my cherished angel friends. It will be another way to tell everyone how much they are loved and appreciated. It will reaffirm how much I needed them to get through this year.

My main point here, is all of these things are conscious choices. I have been DREADING the holidays. In the past, they were not always happy times for me. Silly. Always a lot of extra drama, being a blended family. Birthday blues. Empty nest. All in all, some were pretty miserable. Enough already. I now KNOW reasons it would be okay for me to be miserable. I am CHOOSING not to be.

I was watching “The King and I” last night, after a phone call left me Sleepless in Fernley. In the beginning, Anna and her son sang a song that made me smile. “Make believe you’re brave and the trick will get you far. You may be as brave as you make believe you are.” So, bring on the holidays. I will be writing about every messy little bit of it.

Dear Readers,

Please share Grievinggardener.com with anyone you think would benefit. In the first month, I now have 733 separate hits from 184 log ins. I am grateful to my loyal readers. Thank you so much.

Internet Dating

Being a new widow is incredibly lonely, we can all agree. When widow’s fog starts lifting, the wilderness is quite stark. In my case, I have given you a view into my very rich life with VST. All that is categorized in memories now, leaving me to chart a new course. I miss having a friend to hang out with, just to enjoy day to day things.

I am a healthy woman. At 64, I am on zero medications. My last cold was three years ago. I do not suffer from arthritis, lumbago, vertigo, spontaneous combustion, projectile vomiting, or hives. Nothing. I’m healthy. I do not question this, but thank God for giving me such an amazing body in which to live. I know my limitations, wishing I could hike the Pacific Crest Trail just once in my life, but, that isn’t possible. I refer to myself as a normal 64 year old woman.

So, being normal in this age of Covid, and being left to what choices remained, I decided to try my hand at internet dating. One morning, being very cautious, as VST led me to be, I found myself at WalMart buying a $100, non traceable credit card to make my purchase of PREMIUM Services. Without PREMIUM services, some sites don’t even let you see pictures of gents you might SMILE at. At the Rounder with a million choices, I knew every person in Walmart was looking and thinking, “OHHHHHH, the Widow Ho(WH) is going to go online now.” Funny, our minds can sabotage so many things. Far from any WH, terrified, and queasy from the experience, I paid for the card and raced home.

I did a Consumer Report’s comparison of sites and picked “The #1 Choice With Singles Over 50.” Wouldn’t you?

Now, if you have ever gone online just to pass time, there is a different kind of website you might go to, as I have. More relaxing and just as good a chance of finding a real date, (wait for explanation of what that is in a bit). Explore.org. Wonderful, beautiful site with lots of choices for visual entertainment. The one that is the best comparison to internet dating is the African Watering Hole. As I watch this very moment, the comparisons are astounding.

First, I notice the birds chirping in the background. This would be comparable to the profiles everyone writes about themselves. Everyone who internet dates is the following. An outdoor expert who skis, kayaks, snowshoes, snowboards, hikes 500 mile weekends while carrying all necessary camping gear and a telescope for star gazing. They pack along 5 Star meals that they have cooked on their very own Wolf brand camping stove. Their BMI is under 5. They are a perfect 6’1″ with children and grandchildren that are all beautiful. They want only those to answer that align with their astrological sign, political views, knowledge of DYI projects, and gardening skills. On their down time, they review wines and travel extensively to Italy to help with grape selection for the next year’s award winning vintage.

I notice the beautiful setting at the African pond. Now, many people think it prudent to post the following in their photo gallery. Pictures of sunsets. Their new mani/pedi. Their pets. The ceiling. Their boat, motorcycle, garden tools, or cars. They post pictures of themselves on the Great Wall of China which from the year 2000. And the list goes on. All pictures are as beautiful as the African watering hole I am looking at, except when they are not. Men without their hair combed. Beards. Lots of beards. Combed and uncombed. Muscle shirts. No shirts. EWWWWWWWWW. All respectable and approved by the site. All telling individual stories without saying a word.

My African watering hole is often void of any animals, another comparison I have made. There are days that no new individuals view my profile. Days and days go by. The same individuals “stop by” to view my profile with not even a smiley face. Just an alert from the Internet site that these gents viewed my profile. Hmmmm. Okay. This becomes tiresome, but, also, these guys have become like brothers. They check on me in the morning. They check on me in the evening. Just checking to see if my profile is alive and well. Nothing more. Not a message sent. Not a word exchange. Like window shopping, really. Drive by Internet profile visits.

The types of animals I am seeing on Explore.Org as I write this today are elephants and Mud Ducks. The elephants are sunning themselves, after wallowing in mud. They all are practicing social distancing, staying exactly the same distance from each other. They are quiet and slow. They all seem a little irritated with each other and this Social Distancing thing. The Mud Ducks are another story. They are on high alert. Although also enjoying the venue, they are ready to spook and fly away at the slightest alarm. I am the Mud Duck in this scenario. I am watching for alligators, unseen. Hippo eyes bulging just above the water line ready to charge. I am watching the irritated elephants trumpeting, but keeping social distance. I am also alert and listening for predators lurking in the grass.

A giraffe just wondered in. His human counterpart are those of us that have stuck our necks way out in this endeavor, only to find out it is very complicated to get close enough to the pond to get a drink. Our legs and neck are way to long to drink and watch for all the lurking dangers out there. We just stand around thirsty, most days.

The comparisons are endless, but there is one thing I must share that I have learned through this experience. BEWARE OF SNAKES IN THE GRASS.

Now, we all know the internet is a dangerous place. Until you have really vetted a person out by meeting friends, family, and the dog, you know them not. If you are not invited into their real life, beware. If they do not share even one name of a close friend, pay attention to that. If they only contact you at certain times of the day, they may be on a milk run for their baby mama and five children at home. But, there is a bigger danger.

Beware the Male Lion of Prime Age. Mane glistening. Demanding control of the pond, so to speak. His photo is a thing of beauty. A perfect 6′, always. Educated. A world traveling, fit and fun Romeo who is looking for the love of his life to share the pristine beaches of Key West with, while on your first world tour of many. Your heart stops when THIS guy views your profile. You nearly faint when he sends you…………..A HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You nearly SWOON when he sends you a long email about how you are the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. You are the one that he is longing to know all about. Every detail, and spare none, because he will sit and read every one. ON AND ON AND ON……BLAHBLAHBLAH.

If you listen to no other advice listen up here. This guy does not exist. He is to be blocked, before you become an internet victim of that LION. Period.

Here are a few ways to identify them, and these predators are prevalent. A picture that is too perfect. A profile that has odd mistakes in grammar. A profile written with horrible punctuation. A profile that talks a lot about finding their perfect life long love. Writing describing a PERFECT individual who understands perfection doesn’t exist. Red Flags should be popping up when you see these things.

They will insist that you tell them all about yourself. If you turn the question around, they disappear into the countryside. Give them NO information. In fact, give NO ONE any personal information until you have spent time “talking” to them online. These LIONS will also immediately try to cut you from the heard to enjoy sharing more, if only they could talk to you on YOUR email address. They will send you their phone number so you can talk more. Always decline politely, until you have enough information about them to know they are not a cloud based boyfriend. The smallest grammatical error can identify them. So read carefully.

The bottom line is this. For me. I am a normal 64 year old woman. I’m not going to attract the likes of a movie star. Not even present day Tom Selleck or Harrison Ford. Not even. 65 year old seniors, men or women, are Old Goats. Period. Some have fared better than others. But, look in the mirror. Turn profile visits into real meetings very carefully.

I have met five men for either coffee, breakfast, or ice cream. All men were very sweet. Truly. Just not a match for a future meeting at the watering hole. I spent a long time talking to each one online, then a longer time talking to each one on the phone. We met at very public places and I watched my rear view mirror when I left to make sure they didn’t follow me home. I have been stood up once. I met one special gent that quite possibly saved my life for real, over dinner, involving an ambulance ride on our first date. We may both be Mud Ducks, that remains to be seen. For now, we are Geographically Unacceptable (G U) friends.

As promised, the definition of a REAL DATE is the following. One person asks the other if they would like to accompany them on the date. Dating parameters are agreed upon, as is the time. At agreed time, the door bell rings, and one person arrives to pick up other person and escort them to agreed venue. Pleasantries are exchanged during date. One person returns the other person in same condition they were in when they were taken from their home. This concept has been lost on many people.

Internet dating is a great place to start a list of what it is you are even looking for in a FRIEND. Period. If you would not be friends in life, such as the lion and the gazelle, what hope is there for you in the future? Also, make sure if you live near the African Watering Hole, you don’t accept profile visits from someone living in Katmai Alaska with the bears. This is GU. GU relationships seldom work, are cumbersome, and a nearly impossible to really get to know someone. Only date within a distance that you are capable and willing to drive.

I hope this information has been helpful to those of you that are thinking about Internet “Dating”. Be careful and smart. Always tell at least two people the entire name of the person you are meeting, the type of car they will be driving, where you are going and when you will be back. Always meet in a public place and look your very best. If possible, give the waitress a “Head”s Up” that this is your first meeting. Just share that when they come to ask for your drink order. Park within view of windows of businesses. Watch your back when you leave. Never give your address out until you have information about the person you are just meeting. Make sure a close neighbor knows you are entertaining someone you don’t know well. My neighbor and I have a code word that only we know. If I call her and say the word, she will come ready to Ninja Kick unwanted person out.

I will be sharing any new updates about my experiences in the future. Just remember, Internet Dating and the African Watering Hole are so alike. For now, I am learning a lot about myself through this experience. I am hoping that somewhere out there, there’s another Mud Duck wanting to meet.

Grounded by Choice

Flying miles above the high clouds sipping club soda between Fresno and Los Angeles, VST and I would begin to unwind for our journey from LA to Honolulu. Snuggling close, we whispered about all the touristy things we would do upon arrival, compared notes on expected weather, and took turns sharing the latest restaurant reviews. Hawaii was our safe place. Sometimes, I would tell coworkers we were just vacationing at the beach, a little embarrassed we went to the islands so often. It never got old, or boring, or disappointing. The biggest reason was because VST was with me, his Hula Girl, and I was with my VST.

As a child, the thought of flying was never frightening to me. I remember going to the airport when any family member was traveling somewhere. We could walk right out on the tarmac to hug Goodbye. With propellers whirling, the plane holding our beloved would taxi to the runway and take off within minutes. We would strain to watch them for as long as we could, cheering and waving way after they couldn’t see us anymore.

My first major flight was with my mom and dad to Hawaii to visit a sister living there. I was in high school and remember getting up hours before we needed to leave to prepare as if it was for Sunday morning church service. Bathed, hair beautiful, new outfit chosen just for the trip, we left for the airport. No one would have thought of comfort first. It was style all the way. Our meals were served on real plates during the flight, with glasses, cups, and silverware. The stewardesses spoiled us rotten and we were old friends by the time we landed. Now, THAT was flying.

For me, the payoff of adventure far outweighed any worries of possible disaster awaiting. I avoided focusing on “What ifs?” longing to see new and exciting places. The actual plane rides were part of the excitement and a treat I was always happy to experience. From watching styles of uniforms change over the years, to watching airline attendants become more abused and jaded about their work, flying commercial has always been a fascination of mine.

Even after 9-11, the thought of flying to a special destination with VST was thrilling. I had traveled more than he had, living in Switzerland and Moldova before we married. He had expressed some interest in visiting Europe one day, but as the years marched towards retirement, VST’s health was declining. Suffering from arthritis, he could no long sit comfortably for even the five hour flight from California to Honolulu. We would travel to Hawaii for our final Aloha in 2013.

VST could, however, still drive. And drive he did. Well over a million miles in our time together. For 30 years, we chose to live in remote areas without the luxury of city life. Many extra miles we shared running to town for a variety of things. Traveling to Costco, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Macy’s, and other big stores made our odometer spin. But, it gave us time to share thoughts and feelings, happenings during our work days, and dreams about what we would do next.

Driving made us value time more. Destinations were carefully chosen with consideration of scenery and points of interest in mind. It made us truly appreciate the vast prairies and endless plains of our beautiful country. We saw first hand the power of vicious storms popping up out of nowhere. We found rare treats like the Terry Bison Ranch outside of Laramie where we sat out a tornado warning, or the sweetness of locals, like the owner of the Crazy Women Campground in Gillette. Driving let us change our minds and reverse course if needed, just because there was a sign that said a meteor site was 25 miles to the south.

Now, when I drive, I feel closest to VST. I think of the Wyoming plains, Custer, South Dakota, or the 1,000 lakes of Minnesota. There is something wild and rich that is missed every time one flies 10,000 feet above it all. Details like the spooked look of a startled mustang, the switching tail of an agitated bison, or two lonely seagulls spiraling together against big blue sky over a bluer lake.

I have discovered that a car trip alone to Lake Tahoe is the best trip for me now. Walking down the morning sidewalk just yesterday, nothing was lost through propeller and engine noise. I smiled at strangers and we exchanged Hello’s. I felt the breeze against my cheek and watched it ruffle the golden leaves of the aspen trees. My feet carried me at the proper speed for reflecting on what is important in my life. People? Pets? Family? Love? The truth (even when it means another goodbye)?

Laughing at myself for chasing silly dreams propelled by illusionary sound bytes, I realized I am happily grounded. Grounded all by myself for today, knowing again, I am enough. That I am choosing the right path for me, at just the right speed. Distractions of cruel words from onlookers don’t need my attention, for I am laser-focused on what I need to do right here and now. I know myself the best, and I am a force to be reckoned with.

Today, I’m driving myself to retrieve Oliver from his Puppy Camp Extravaganza. We will drive through miles of high desert, wandering with the mustangs in search of our next patch of Nevada peacefulness, always on the move. My Jeep and I are one, driving down the highway of life towards today’s adventure. Grounded, without need for flight, I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.

Living In The Moment

Once upon a time, not so long ago, I had a really wonderful husband that I happened to adore. He felt the same. We were a team of two that could conquer anything we decided to accomplish. We never started out in a quest to amass an empire. Our goals were short term in nature that nourished healthy habits leading to long term success. We had plenty of missteps along the way, learning from them, and trying to avoid them in the future. Our main success was making each moment the best it could be.

VST was a man on a mission. After working 8-5 at his professional job, he would race to be home for dinner at 6 pm sharp. Every night. Those moments were filled with dinner table chatter about all the day held for kids and us. If you have a family, you know, those days are in the moment of crazy-times. So many things planned and done because they must be. VST embraced his moments shared with the kids, because he saw them as fleeting, which they were and did. No matter how many hours of tractor work were waiting, he always had time to share with us. No matter how many hours he had worked all day, he would wait up until the last child was home and in bed. Everyone accounted for in those quiet moments, he could finally rest.

We had the rare treat of having his parents live on the ranch across the drive from us. One really scary moment arrived when we needed to be present fully. VST’s dad was given 6 months to live shortly after we bought the ranch. He was in the hospital, as we held our breaths while his heart was stopped for some very long moments and restarted to regain rhythym.

At that moment in time, VST and I wanted to buy a respectable vehicle in which to cart the kids around. It was embarrassing to drive our young girl to Jr. High in a red and white VW bus from the 1900’s. She insisted her dad would drop her off down the street. We had found a brand new Suburban that was gorgeous right before J got sick. We were working on financing it when we got the news.

Across the drive from our farm house, there was a large, empty 1/2 acre space. VST and I discussed the possibility of putting a home there for J and J. It was perfect. While others were at J’s bedside at the hospital, we went to look at mobile homes. VST had measured every room in his mom’s house to make sure she would have the same or more space, and we found the perfect home. It happened to be exactly the price of the Suburban. This was not even a question in that moment in time. The suburban could wait.

We asked if they would move on the ranch with us. They gleefully accepted. J & J were the best in-laws I could have wished for, being equal parts of VST from the generation before. Wise and hysterically funny. Spiritually grounded in God. We would stop our busy lives for a few minutes every evening for Porch Therapy at their house. The four of us spent the next 12 years coaching, supporting, cheering, and badgering each other on that porch. We were the perfect neighbors for each other, and wouldn’t have chosen it to be any other way. For those moments in time, we were really living the good life. Right then. Right there.

So many moments in our lives were frozen in gold. Moments when boys turned to the USAF finest. Moments when marriages were formed. Moments when new grandchildren filled our arms. Moments when we lost our shirts farming, and those when we did okay. Moments when we held each other and cried at the horror death brought robbing us of J and J. Moments when we found each other as we crisscrossed the United States being wild and crazy.

The past is a beautiful birthplace of all the comforting moments, that together, are a tapestry for each life here on earth. The future is a fertile bed of rich soil, ripe with possibilities for growth and success. But, there is nothing tangible in either place. The claws of the past and future can dig into our souls and paralyze us, holding us from moving forward in the present. Living in either one can bring fear, sadness, regret, remorse, lonliness, guilt, and so many other harsh feelings. Moving through them to make a quick retrieval or appraisal is not to be confused with putting an airmattress in the middle of either and camping out there for days or weeks.

Living in the moment is making choices that shape the memories you will hold dear, while walking towards the future you want to build by creating healthy habits that become life’s successes. Honor your loved one by really embracing life this very moment. This moment is life’s gift to us. Use it wisely.



Caring for Ourselves, One Day at a Time

Two nights at the lake await me this morning. As I pack up the last things, I am so proud that I have not forgotten to do things that bring me happiness. Traveling has been a huge part our lives since we both retired in 2017. So, heading to the Sierra’s for rest and relaxation is perfect for me.

Adventures remembered bring a smile to my heart. I fell in love with the Eastern Sierra’s over twenty years ago. VST was the man who introduced me to places like Mammoth Mountain, June Lake, Twin Lakes, Bridgeport, Bishop, Mono Lake and Lee Vining. Many times, we ran to these places when life got to be too much. Always, we found comfort when we visited. I feel closer to him when I return to them.

Oliver will spend two nights at puppy camp. I will sleep in, blog later in the morning, eat too much, and enjoy the view. I plan to shop, walk, drive around the lake, and be a normal tourist. I am learning to be the travel buddy I would most like to be with. Awkward and forced for now, I am hoping that it will be as natural as breathing as the months pass.

The last time I tried this in August, the California fires were raging. I went on my first planned outing to celebrate the word for Month 5, Adventure. With Covid still having its grips on tourism at the lake and the smoke choking everyone while eliminating any view of the lake or mountains, my Adventure was anything but. Today, I plan to set that right, and have a wonderful time while spreading Aloha, the Word for Month 7.

If it has been awhile since you have been out of the house on an adventure, don’t wait any longer. Plan something that is just right for you. Something new and exciting. The world is rich with possibilities in our own back yards. Even a walk at a different time of day can provide new people to meet and things to see. Pamper yourself with kind thoughts and words from your heart to your brain. Wave at the neighbors. Practice smiling again. Live in the moment. Expect something wonderful is just about to happen. You won’t be disappointed.


Virginia City, Nevada

Throughout my blogs, I have been referring to people and places by letters. It just dawned on me that some of you may not be familiar with the area in which I live, and hoping you will be with me for awhile, I will explain a bit about Virginia City. As far as people go, I will stick with the letters of their first names for now.

Virginia City is quite the place to visit, even more so to live. I had never even heard of the place, not being a history buff. From this point on, I will refer to her as VC. I do refer to her as a woman, because she can be beguiling, manipulative, seductive, cruel, heartless, apologetic, and forgiving in her ways. And VC has ways, let me tell you.

In January 2014, VST and I were at the doorstep of retirement and looking for a new place to call home. At that time, there was a glut of housing on the market in the form of reposessions. We were hot on the trail to find our next best investment in the form of a flip. As retirees, every penny is important. We were both sick to death of California, which was sad because we were both natives. The state had changed so much and we were ready to join the exodus and head East.

So, for two months, we spent each weekend over the border, looking in Northern Nevada for a nice place to land. We logged miles and miles looking north and south of the Reno area, always investigating repossessed properties listed on a site called Homepath. Every house we chose was not right for one reason or another. Most were in pretty bad shape. Each weekend, we left disappointed, but not defeated, intending to return the next weekend for another try. Just to put our determination and desperation in perspective, each way was a 5.5 – 6 hour drive. That was if there were not wrecks or bad weather to detour our trip. We were on a mission.

I had seen the VC house online. Majestic is the word that comes to mind. While many in VC were built in 1875, ours was built in 2004. It sat on A Street above the town, with a view of over 100 miles from a huge deck that was suspended far about the ground below. Living at the VC house we were living in air, like birds in a nest. Wild horses would come and eat off our hill below. We were so close, we could see scars from battles or the new fuzz of a foal, their fluffy little tail whisking flies away. With the position of the house came a silence that was unusual. There could be thousands on the boardwalks of C Street, and we would hear only the breeze, the faint whistle of the steam train, or the chimes of St. Mary’s on the Mountain.

The problem with the VC house was the price. We wanted our next purchase to not only be our home, but a good investment opportunity. VC is located on the side of Mt. Davidson at 6,200 ft. This is the same elevation as Tahoe. Our water was piped from Lake Marlette above Lake Tahoe, through the valley and up to us. Soft and wonderful mountain water we enjoyed for 6 years. Another problem was that VC is a tourist destination. I have read that 2 million people visit VC annually. There is one street, a few blocks long where all the action occurs. C Street is also part of a state highway to add to the confusion. There are not day to day services in VC, like a grocery store or Walmart. These are found 15 miles away in either South Reno or Carson City. Miles add up when you live remotely.

The VC house was huge. Period. It had 6 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, on two stories. I could see the V from my kitchen window. The house had windows everywhere. 33 to be exact, all placed to catch the most breathtaking views. It was built to withstand the highest winds, and we got them. Often in excess of 35 mph. The house was a victim of severe abuse. No one could know the disrespect it took from the former owners until living there. In 6 years, we loved it back to pristine condition, and it was the fabulous house it was destined to be.

But, back to the story. We had wanted the house from the moment we saw it, but it was still $60,000 over budget. But, through the weeks, the price dropped, there was a bidding war, and we won. Plan and simple. For 62 weekends, we moved our possessions with the help of one small, open trailer. Each weekend was a fantastic getaway after working with sick children and social services. We would decompress on the drive, snacking and wishing we were already there. Each Friday night, the darkness would fall while VST drove and I daydreamed of all the things we would do to the house that weekend. The roads up to VC were windy and treacherous in daytime. VST handled them safely, even having to watch for wild mustangs that might be crossing on a blind curve in the black night of VC wilds.

In August of 2015, we made our final trip home to VC, and she had won. We had been talking to a local one day and he asked from where we had moved. We told him we had chosen VC as our home. He laughed as he looked through us with piercing blue eyes.

“No, folks.”

Not understanding, we had puzzled looks on our faces.

Staring off into the distance, he stopped smiling.

“Virginia City chooses you.” Returning his gaze to us, his look was serious and a bit disturbing.

You may be thinking it is impossible for a town to choose its residents. Then, you, my dear reader, have never been to VC to spend time. This is not a normal town. This is VC. She will get under your skin and not let you go. So many times when we told friends where we were going, the far away look would come over them. No one ever said they had a terrible time there. There were wistful memories of bachelor parties, weddings, family trips, or trips alone. But always, fun was involved. Lots of fun. The hook was set, and forever, VC would be tugging at their hearts. This was especially true of men folk. VC is a manly man’s town.

VC was a great place to live, but never did I expect she would devour my husband and keep him to herself. Impossible? Yes, it was cancer that happened to kill him. But, it is not lost on me that he never left the mountain. His mountain, where he became the Bionic Cowboy, his crisp cowboy hat and huge, metal braces on an incredibly handsome man were a fixture on C Street for 6 years. She won.

It is also not lost on me that I was released to leave. Rather like losing my husband to another woman. Except, it was a place. The house sold so easily and I was shoo-ed away, like an unwanted fly at a picnic. VC had no use for me, nor I any for her any longer.

VST is a part of VC history now. I hope he is loving his long walks down the boardwalk, stopping to talk to visitors that need to know where to have breakfast. I hope he is having lots of time to tip his hat to those that wave. Visit the post office to check on the mail for me, VST. I can’t come to sit with you right now. The memories we shared there are too raw and jagged just yet. But, soon, I will come to sit by 4th Ward School with you to rest just a moment. I know where the secret bench is. I will find you. Until then, walk on.

Gently, We Say Goodbye

As the dust is settling with my move, all my pictures are miraculously clean and hung. The closet has been sorted multiple times. My drawers are all in order. The lawn is manicured within a milometer of perfect. Not a weed dares to grow in my yard. Halloween decorations are glowing at night. Even my floors are mopped. Do you get the picture? I am bored out of my mind, and hoping I will not become BORING!!!!

Needing new and worthy ways to spend my retired widow days, I have been looking for an organization that would be interesting, but also give back to my community, and on a larger scale, humanity. It was with that endeavor, a friend mentioned that I should check into Nevada Veterans Coalition, based here in my town. This group is responsible for the huge task of delivering Wreaths Across America to the fallen heroes in our very own National Cemetery here in Northern Nevada.

I had visited the cemetery on several occasions to look around, but also to visit a dear friend that left us almost two months ago. The first thing I noticed was that it had the potential to be the grandest of them all. But, I also noticed that it needs some major volunteer work on the grounds. Dead rose heads dropped on majestic plants that should have been fertilized and groomed in winter. The grounds needed a few volunteers around to answer questions. All in all, things looked good, but could be better. That fact didn’t go unnoticed on my prior visits.

One sad day earlier in the week, I made the call to Nevada Veterans Coalition and left a message. That evening, RR, a very nice man with a floral last name, called me. He spoke about the mission of the group, which was divided into two parts. Indeed, the Wreaths Across America was one side. But, the other side was the Honor Guard. This is a group of men and women who provide internment services at the Northern Nevada Veterans Memorial Cemetery (NNVMC). After explaining the details, he asked if I would like to attend the service for one of their founding members the next day at 11:00 am. I accepted the invitation.

Yesterday was an exceptionally beautiful autumn day. The cottonwood trees at the cemetery were changing colors. The lawn was deep green and lush. All the roses seemed to have bloomed in unison for the fallen hero, Charles. The grounds are expansive, providing a quiet and respectful atmosphere which will be the final resting place for 10,000 American heroes. The temperature was a perfect 70 degrees with a warming sunshine blanketing everyone.

The members of the honor guard were assembling in preparation. They had all made a special effort for this service. Charles was their dear friend for decades. Their matching black uniforms were adorned with medals from their years of military service. Their shoes were shined to blinding brilliance. Their white gloves were clean. They talked among themselves in the nervous way people do before something as solemn as a funeral is about to occur. I found RR. He was happy I had come and asked if we could talk after. I agreed and then, found a seat and began to observe the details of the moment.

It was obvious Charles was an adored and respected old goat. His friends lovingly gave that impression. With a group of 50 waiting for the service to begin, it was obvious that he was a special guy. Born in Minneapolis in 1937. Served in the United States Air Force. Fought in the Korean War and other places. Came home. Raised beautiful kids, who were raising beautiful kids. This man had earned respect throughout his life and in his later years, demanded it. It was lovingly given by family and friends.

Two officers, white gloved with heads covered, walked to the pavilion solemnly and with purpose. One carried the American flag, folded as you so often see, triangle shaped. The other carried a small black box. The cremains of Charles. At the front of the pavillion, there was a podium on which sat a black container marked with the symbol of the US Air Force. Gently, the black box was put inside, and covered with the lid. The flag was lovingly placed in front of the box.

His widow was wheeled to her place of honor under the three sided pavilion in which she would publicly say her final Goodbye. I thought of her as I watched silently from the back. A widow like me, but different. Charles had been sick for years. Gone for years, as some would say during the service. Her goodbyes had been tedious and slow, I am assuming through the gauntlet of cruelty dementia produces for all that love the victim. She sat spent as the honor guard and friends came to her to share their sorrow. Seats filled and soon it was time to begin.

I was not prepared. Drifting towards us was the sad wail of a trumpet playing The U. S. Air Force Song. My own boys, now grown men with boys of their own, had left home at 18 to join the USAF, serving after 9-11 changed our country forever. I had cried buckets when they played the song at their graduations from boot camp in San Antonio. Now, I smiled, thinking of my own Air Force heroes. As the song played, the colors were presented and placed, as everyone stood. Every Veteran saluted. I placed my hand over my heart. So many people forget to do that these days.

We all sat and the ceremony began. The woman in charge did a beautiful job saying Goodbye to Charles. Another man talked about him. Prayers were given. Beautiful prayers. A gorgeous poem read by a man covered in medals. He made it to the end, and then broke down sobbing. A tribute to the man Charles was and the memories of friendship and loyalty he left.

From the back of the pavilion, an Honor Guard member sang, Amazing Grace, a capella. The same song my beautiful grandson sang for VST in July at his memorial.

The report from a volley of gunshots ricocheted off the back of the pavilion, sounding harsh and brittle. A 21 gun salute, all in silence except for the tinkling sound of shells hitting cement after each of three rounds.

Two HG Members came forward to retrieve the flag. They lovingly unfolded it completely while keeping it taut, and then showed it to the widow. Two more HG Members then joined on either side of the flag to refold it perfectly for her while it was explained to the group what each fold meant. There are 13 folds in the flag. Even the tuck at the end means something very special. Three spent shell casings were secreted inside for the widow. The flag was presented to her with the utmost care. Each HG friend knelt and told her how sorry they were for her loss.

It was explained that Charles Loved, Loved Loved doughnuts. When they served them at meetings, he took two. Always. It was explained that as we walked up the hill to his final resting place, the HG members were each carrying a box of doughnuts in his memory. When the final prayers were said and the crypt was sealed in front of God and all of us, we would all have a doughnut in honor of Charles. And, that is exactly how the service ended.

I didn’t speak to Charles widow, as I didn’t know her nor she me. How could I explain that I came to witness the best presentation of a military service because it had been for one of their own? We exchanged glances, and somehow, I think she already knew we had something in common. Sadness is easily seen through the eyes. I tried to keep my dark glasses on, not wanting to distract from this beautiful moment in any way.

Throughout this service, I felt a peace flow over me. This would be the group that I would like to spend time with. These men and women would become my friends. I would be happy to help make final services a moment of respect for REAL American heroes and their families.

After the service, RR had asked me to stay and talk for a minute. I met some of the members and it was explained to me that I could be trained to help with any part of the service I would choose, even the shooting. That I didn’t need to have served in the military to be a member of the Honor Guard. That my help would be welcomed in any way, whether it was with the Wreaths Across America project or the Honor Guard. I was welcomed to join them.

The meeting will be November 12. I’m sure I will share more about my time helping this group. By experiencing something so moving and meaningful, another part of me is awakening. I want to find my place to give back, even if just a little bit.

Please check into Wreaths Across America, a non-profit organization. They need our support to make sure every fallen American hero is honored with a wreath in 2020.

Dancing Alone

VST and I loved our morning routine. If we were ballroom dancers, the trophy would have been ours. Onetwothree, onetwothree, coffee in cups, pellet stove lighted, onetwothree, onetwothree, two in their chairs, Oliver delighted, onetwothree onetwothree, news a-blaring, nobody glaring, onetwothree onetwothree, day in the planning, eternitity spanning. Take a bow.

Every morning, there was a plan created as we sipped our coffee and took a little time to play video games, while simultaneously cursing the latest news, whatever it might be. Those precious minutes together were one of the times I miss the most. Because, although one can certainly dance alone, it isn’t the same as dancing with someone you have loved for decades.

With just a glance, so many things were gauged at the moment we woke up. Mood, physical well being, and quality of sleep. As farmers, we both embraced the crazy internal time clocks we needed for so many years. Morning people are wired a little differently. My creative time is dark:30, every day. Can’t be changed. My eyes fly open, and although crabby until I get my coffee, I am ready to tell the story of the day. The words can’t fly out of my fingers fast enough. With VST, it was beautiful projects stored in that big old head of his. Together, we were the embodied version of the Merengue, a Puerto Rican and Domican dance. A lot of turning, hammering, hands on hips with one leg extended, and clapping. Our days always included both of us dancing our hearts out.

My first days of dancing solo were a hot mess. There was no more routine. I had lost it. When VST got sick, there were 90 deaths from something called Corono Virus. Just 90 that had occurred in Washington State. At that point, our world fell into the nightmare of Cancer, which engulfed us, consuming every moment of our lives, be it awake or asleep. Cable stayed on soft music that was meant to soothe Oliver when we would leave him. The kids referred to it as Funeral Parlor music. The truth is, it soothed VST and me, too.

The first morning after VST’s abrupt exit, I tried our dance alone. Onetwothree……..Coffee is hot, brain is not, Onetwo…….heart is broken, not one word spoken…….one……….Television on, 20,000 gone. Shocked. “20,000 and ONE”, I sent my lonely scream towards the TV. My VST. Although not a Covid Statistic, it mattered not to me. He was gone.

Through the days, I found that I needed to create a new dance step for myself. I kept my planner current, putting the daily steps on paper and checking them off when I accomplished them. I taught myself to dance alone. It was messy and wrong at first. Anyone who knows me knows I can, and do, trip myself, having the largest feet ever. They must have been hard for VST to avoid all those years, as he skillfully led our dance routines. Step on my toes he did, but, only when they needed it. In the dance of life, we twirled and tilted, dipped, and looked soulfully into each others eyes. Necks snapped, and heads turned away as eyes flared when appropriately angry. We were flamboyant, and on time with the rhythm. Dancing alone was different.

Looking on to Month 7, there are now days I forget to write accomplished activities in my planner. I try not to, as I know in Month 14, I will still be amazed at all the things I am accomplishing. Each day, Oliver gets his breakfast while I pour my coffee. I blog. Morning news has been replaced with 70’s music. My days now include a brisk walk outside, but not always at the same time. Interesting how the neighborhood dances differently at different points of the day. My routine includes internet time, but not video games for now. Interpersonal games are far more frustrating, and intriguing. I try not to spend too much time fretting about the latest hit on my internet dating site. Cyber dating is still a new and unfamiliar dance.

I am finding the things I really enjoyed before and adding a few of those things in every week. I have GIRLFRIENDS that might talk for an hour on the phone with me, laughing and gasping at the outrageous nature of life. I take unplanned breaks to soak in the awe inspiring beauty of my surroundings, being so grateful that VST and I chose right when we bought this little piece of paradise. I am dancing a dance of happiness now, with fewer bouts of dramatic loneliness and grief. I am dancing an original piece, and it’s up to me to find the tune and move with it.

There are new activities that are unfolding. I have joined a group of women that meet often, supporting our community with activities new and fun to me. Yesterday, I decided to join a group that provides wreaths for the graves of fallen heroes at our National Cemetery here in town. This holiday activity will help me get through my first Christmas waltz without VST.

I am planning ahead in three month blocks, knowing that our 33rd wedding anniversary looms out there in the wilderness of emotional landmines. I have a choice. I can dread it every day until it comes, or dance in the moment and know that when that day arrives, I will save a very sweet and special dance for VST, my Dr. H, because my special dance partner he will forever be.

Thank you for your support. Your continued interest is helping me grow as a writer. I squeal with delight when I see the increase in readership steadily climbing!!! Please share my link with your friends and family and keep reading. I would love to hear from you. Good thoughts go out to you as we travel along in this wilderness called Grief.

A Patch of Woods

Once, 44 years ago, I was 20. Beautiful, naive, nice, naughty, and quite plainly, a very stupid girl. I ran with a boy of which I had nothing in common. A dangerous young man more worldly than I. Not someone that I loved in the right way. Being foolish, I chose foolishly those that I would spend time with. He may have been the worst choice of my life.

We had decided to run away to a high, deserted Sierra lake for a few days in autumn. In the olden days of the 1900’s, that was still possible to do. This lake was pristine and deserted. We drove to a camping spot, and, indeed were the only couple on the lake. We set up a tiny little tent for two. Very nice, except, the boy was still the same person, and no matter the setting, wrong for me.

Twilight was not far off, after a day of arguing about the particulars of our camping experience, and I needed a walk. Being mad enough, I stormed off towards the water’s edge and clapped back that I would return in a bit, before dark. Being a hot head, I walked downhill toward the water, which was peaking through the trees, as steam trailed out my ears. I made a small miscalculation. In my anger, I didn’t take note of my surroundings. I just walked toward the water.

It had been an extreme summer, and the rains had not yet started. Halloween was in a week, but I already felt like Dracula’s bride. Ready to go for the jugular. Leave no survivor at the campsite. I knew this relationship would end that way, and thinking of the next two days with this person had soured my thoughts. Walk I did, right to the water’s edge.

The sun was going down over the granite peaks towering around the tiny lake. It was a beautiful setting as the colors were changing from daytime brilliance to twighlight shades of purples and blues. I walked a distance throwing rocks into the lake. Not skipping them. Having no brothers, I never learned that skill. Just throwing them with great passion, envisioning his head as my target. One after another. Stop. Bend over. Pick up Rock. Throw it like crazy. Walk. Repeat. Each splash echoed, the sound hanging in the air for just the tiniest bit. Silence would return. The kind in which you can really hear yourself think.

I don’t know how long this went on, but, when I had cooled off, the sun had gone down. A tiny bit of light still helped me to avoid the piece of barbed wire fencing I had stepped over earlier. The boulders by the shore were still visible, but the light was fading fast. Canis lantrans were in the area, as I heard a plaintive wail in the distance, answered by another on the other side of the lake. It was then I realized the error of my ways.

The level of the lake was at autumn’s low. There was a band of land, 50 yards and rather steep up to a dense wall of trees, in which we were camping. Somewhere. This band of land was decomposed granite over granite slabs. All the way up to the forest. I had no idea how far I had walked, or where I had emerged from the trees. I had no flashlight. No whistle. I tripped on another piece of barbed wire, and now, I was sufficiently freaking out. It was night fall.

I searched for any sign of our camp. A small glow of light. A little smoke. A noise or voice calling for me. Nothing. Another plaintive wail, closer, but still not close. A reply. And silence.

I started calling to the camping mate. Just calling at first. Within a few minutes yelling my head off. The echos across the lake were distracting. The wails were a bit closer. My pounding heart pumped adrenaline with each beat as I called over and over for help. I fell on a boulder I didn’t see. Prostrate, the sand stuck to my tears. At this point I was helpless and alone in a place so dark I could only see the black outline of the trees against the starry sky . I laid there and cried. Exhausted.

Finally, way down the water’s edge, I saw him walking towards me. Even though he was the reason I had left camp, I called to him, so glad that he was the one to find me. He had marked the trail back to camp and helped me clean and bandage a nasty scratch on my leg, advising me that it was prudent to mark a return trail when one was camping in dense forest. I never hated/loved anyone so much as I hated/loved him at at that very moment in time.

I relate that story to you, because that is like the grief I find myself working now. In the daytime of grieving, there are beautiful lakes full of possibilities. I can kayak, swim, or just lay in the sun. They can feed me delicious trout. Their beauty soothes my soul. The softest winds rustle tall, protective trees. The colors dance and change throughout the day with the foundation of granite keeping my world in balance.

Without warning, night can come, and things are not as I remember them. There are boulders to trip on, or the sharp edges of memories that cut me until I bleed tears. Storms come, bringing waves to my calm lakes, demanding that I regroup and protect myself from lightning that can surely strike me dead. My heart races at the thoughts of storms that may come tomorrow, next week, or even in the winter. I lay prostrate, with sandy tears of grief. There is no one to call to. No light in the distance, because, I find myself camping alone in this wilderness.

Just as quickly, my own voice reassures me that for this moment in time, everything is as it should be. I am getting stronger every day, learning about the resilience I hold inside. My friends and family come out of the woods with phone calls and cards, checking on me to make sure the sun still shines on my world. Oliver stays close with puppy hugs and kisses. My campsite is well lit, and the path marked with the way back to safety.

As I am making my way through this wilderness, I am finding larger stretches of meadows and light. Sweet grasses on which to lay provide rest in the sunshine. But, I am very away that a patch of woods can stop me in my tracks at any moment. I have a great internal compass and God will show me the way. When the going gets tough, God will carry me to camp. I know this because he has, many times already.

If you find yourself in the dark, call for friends and family. They are right there, sitting around the campsite waiting for you with hugs and bandaids of love. Try not to leave camp angry and remember to mark your trail.

The Bra

Once upon a time, I shopped like a lady at a beautiful department store and bought things I couldn’t afford. Indulging myself as a young mom, I would find myself in the lingerie department, which was ever so enticing. Slips, lacey undies, the softest wisps of fabric skillfully assembled to create a vision. And, bras from heaven at devilish prices.

At that time, I was a mere irrigator on the ranch, while maintaining my role as domestic goddess and mom.

Irrigation occured the first of every month, our antique system being in use since the beginning of time (1940’s). We were part of an irrigation network. Water flowed through a huge canal across the street from our house. Not like Venice, with gondoliers and lovers floating by in canoes. This canal was a functional canal. 15-20 feet across and at least 15 feet deep. The water ran dangerously fast and demanded respect. From there , pipelines branched off under roads and fed each vineyard.

On the first of each month from March to July, the dance would begin with me closing off the neighbors pipeline and opening ours. This was done in measurements of quarter-turns of a very big wheel. All this was decided decades before by menfolk before me. I had no time to experiment with whether or not the instructions were the most efficient. I was given directions and the number of quarter-turns needed to start the process. That was the easy and fast part.

Once the water was filling the pipeline, I needed to slowly ride the John Deere Gator (think green quad) down the west end of the ranch, while noting how the water was filling the 1/8 mile rows. This was jotted down in hieroglyphics known only to me. (Code — 0- no water seen…..X..Done…–Look again at noon ) This was done when the morning sun was just rising or the evening sun setting, creating blinding glare. I often thought of Dad and how many years he did this without benefit of sunglasses, wondering how.

After checking the progress of the water, I would then need to drive the buggy to the East end of the ranch and adjust the valves. The system was antique. Water came up through cement pipes and bubble through adjustable gates. It was during this time that I would find broken pipes, hit by tractor work done at midnight after a full day at a professional job. Or drop the little antique metal plate that was part of the adjustment situation into the standpipe, in which there lived plenty of black widow spiders. It would be then, I am quite sure I grew a pair, reaching into the darkness to retrieve the metal gate and replace it.

Always, this procedure could not be cheated for time. There was no bargaining with the irrigation. It was my job and for four days, I was racing with the clock. Wiping mud off my ear as the school bell rang and my 3rd graders came pouring into the room. Or, returning to the house in the later afternoon knowing for sure that the Fresno sun had cooked half of my brain cells. At least I had the other half needed to prepare dinner, help with homework, and grade papers while VST was out working. Some days, this was a nice place to think. But, on days when it was 4:30 am, knowing I would be late to my classroom, it was frustrating.

This was farm life, and I miss it like hell some days. Not the work. Just the pace of so many things accomplished in such a healthy, beautiful environment. Through it all, VST and I were everything to each other, because no one else could really understand what was on the line. Not even the kids. We were working in two full time professional careers to support the little farm that devoured our paychecks like a certain widow gobbles Whoppers out of the Halloween candy bag.

One day, I got a card in the mail from the store that holds the Parade in New York every year. You know the one. I had been selected to join their exclusive “Bra and Panty Club”. Elation filled my heart. If I bought five the sixth was free. Even better. The thought was in my brain, waiting for the 5th of the month. No, not the day of B & P sale. Irrigation occured from the 1-4th. So, the 5th was a special day in our life. The ranch was under irrigation water. To wet to disc, furrow, or in any way touch. The 5th and 6th were our days of rest. In the entire month. Two days, which were most likely on a week day, in which we were working our real jobs. Get the picture?

VST and I had planned to meet at the mall with my boys for dinner. They were at the age of easy embarrassment, the three of them. VST and I hated shopping for different reasons. I found it tedious and still do. VST, even then, couldn’t stand very long without having back issues. The boys were just adorable lanky, goofy pre-teens that were happy to go anywhere. We were all Fresno tanned. The boys had golden buzz cuts and manners grown on the farm. Good ones you don’t often see today.

After dinner I announced that I wanted to go to the afore mentioned store and they agreed. Marching straight to the escalator, I sensed no hesitation in my group. They followed willingly. At the top of the escalator, I made a right, and sensed that I was suddenly alone, with my tribe frozen a few feet behind me. I was at the Lingerie department and the three male types with me were mortified.

I moved on little cat feet to the most beautiful bras I had ever seen. The finest lace in deliciously soft and feminine colors. Every part of these were a work of art. I had only read about the comfort I would experience when wearing one. The lace was from Italy. The hooks were painted and delicate. All of it screamed GIRL!!!!! After discovering a perfect fit on my young and svelte 30-something body, I bought two. One pink and one pinker.

Smiling ear to ear, I summoned the man of the group to come forward. As a farmer, I didn’t prefer to carry a purse. I had no time or need for the things most women carry in them. VST had a marvelous devise called a wallet, in which he held everything I needed for payment. It worked beautifully for us. Except, in this case, the cashier was a ravishing beauty, and this was the Bra and Panty Department. The boys hid behind his legs, red as little beets.

“Sir, are you a member our exclusive Bra and Panty Club?”

Forever will this moment be one that makes me laugh at the memory.

“Uhhhh.” Before he could speak, the little card that had been waiting in my jeans pocket was thrust past VST towards the minx-y cashier. “YES!” I blurted out! And right then, I lost the three of them. They were beyond saving, being mortified and slain by the mother. The beautiful woman said the words BRA AND PANTY. There was a CLUB for this?????? Silence as the exquisite purchase lay waiting for payment.

We paid as much for those two bras as we did for a gallon of farm grade Roundup. This was not lost on VST as the sideways glances of “We Will Be Talking Budget” were shooting my way. I smiled. I was a card carrying member of the EXCLUSIVE BRA AND PANTY CLUB, and I knew he wouldn’t deny me. I was right.

A few weeks ago, I had my first real shopping trip with a girlfriend. I can honestly say it has been decades since I lunched with one gal pal, gossiped, laughed, and walked the mall. Foreign territory and so much fun. She had to keep guiding me on the Covid-arrowed path, as we walked toward the afore mentioned store, modern and different, and yet exactly the same as all those years ago. We went upstairs, just like before, to the lingerie department specifically because I was planning to buy THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRA in the store. Italian lace, the finest hooks, delicate, and exquisite.

I went to the section selling the same brand I had purchased when in THE CLUB. After looking at every single style, I took two to the dressing room. I noticed the fabric was of cheap quality. The lace polyester and computer generated. The hooks were grey metal. Plastic was involved in the construction. I sighed thinking of how things had changed, even in the bra world.

Upon trying them on, I realized a lot had changed in my world, too. And not in a good way. The mirror in the dressing room didn’t lie. Farming had been great exercise, but, any 30-something farmer girl can put on any bra and look stunning. I was stunned, but for entirely different reasons.

My bras today come from Walmart. They are 100% cotton. They cover what they need to cover and keep their shape when washed with the towels and my jeans. One bra costs what the tax would have been on the expensive one. They are new and beautiful, because I can afford to discard them the moment they aren’t. They are functional and absorbent. Durable and trustworthy. I don’t need to belong to a club to run into Walmart and buy them. Their label sends me a shout out to the farmer girl in me still, as the word FRUIT is on them somewhere.

In the heavens, VST is shaking his head, wishing I had some common sense that day so long ago, when I was a card carrying member of the EXCLUSIVE BRA AND PANTY CLUB.

If Wishes Were Horses, Then Beggers Would Ride

Today was the most beautiful day I have experienced in weeks. The smoke from the California fires was almost gone, and the unique beauty of the high desert mountains was all around me. I am a desert rat. Period. I love the wind. The sharp, stark peaks of the mountains here. Natural hues blending into a real life watercolor, the palette rich with the mountain browns and the bluest of skies. Landscape dabbed with bright yellow Rabbit Brush. White puffy clouds streaking the sky. The breeze ruffling the golden leaves on the cottonwoods. Life is beautiful.

I have been yearning to drive to Bridgeport, California for weeks now. VST loved Highway 395. It’s been a year since we traveled this road, and I longed to follow the path we took. I started out at 7:15 this morning, the air crisp with a real autumn chill. An hour’s drive to Carson City, I was traveling on the loneliest road in America, Highway 50.

The wild mustangs are everywhere now. The mountaintops no longer provide them with food or water. They are now down in the lowlands with us, visiting my neighborhood in search of lawns and a drink. Strange to walk outside to get the mail and find a 2,000 lb. pony in your front yard. Or six of them. These are not the starving horses you hear about on the news. They are healthy, procreating, families of horses with nothing else to do but eat and poop.

As I traveled on 50, the air was so crisp and clear, I saw the V on our Mt. Davidson in VC clearly and from miles away. Each small town has a letter above it, made of huge rocks and easily seen from long distances. On our return RV trips, VST and I would strain our eyes to see who could see the V first. I wished he was by my side today, I would have let him win.

During the move, I had placed 350 boxes in storage in a small town just off the mountain. I made many trips from my new town to get loads of boxes. Each time I located the V, high above, I would cry the ugly cry. I would talk to VST on the way there and back about all kinds of things, wishing he were there to reply. Today, with nothing but blue skies, I sang along with the radio, knowing that VST was laughing at my singing voice. He was MY wingman today, instead of me being his. Today, I loved driving.

Once I reached Carson City, I got on Highway 395 and traveled through Gardnerville and Minden. Memories were flooding back to me of all the towns we considered before buying our home in VC. These little towns, nestled on the eastern side of the Sierras are a little reflection of heaven. Today, the green pastures were filled with Black Angus cattle, registered pedigrees and with sassy calves. Bald or Golden Eagles soar over these pastures. There were RV’s everywhere today, making me wish we were leaving on another trip to anywhere. With VST, it never mattered the destination, just that he was in the driver’s seat telling me about songs on Willie’s Roadhouse or asking for his next snack.

As I started up the hill and went through Holbrock Junction I thought of our Shriner friends that lived close. Lake Topaz Lodge had been OUR favorite for Steak and Egg goodness with a view. I thought of cuddling through a cold night when we camped there in our new trailer almost 4 years ago. Just past the lodge, I was waved through the Produce Inspection Station and found myself across the border in California. The sky was still as brilliant. California natives, we had grown into the people we were when we exchanged vows and began our lives together. Now, it was the California I would never choose to return to after experiencing Nevada. I wish we had known desert secrets decades before, when we were so young and full of dreams.

In Coleville, we had shared a cozy night in our RV camping with the Karavaners at MeadowCliffs . Along the Walker River, VST and I had stopped to enjoy the beauty of the gorge on so many trips. Road work that delayed us last year was finished. With little traffic, my Jeep made the twists and turns of the canyon as the music played on. I wished VST would speak up. I am sure I heard him commenting on my driving, and not in a good way.

At the turn to Highway 108 to Sonora, I smiled and remembered the wife that forgot her purse back at The Westin at Mammoth Lakes and didn’t discover it was missing until Toulomne Meadows in Yosemite. It was Labor Day, and we had left the hotel extra early to avoid horrendous traffic. He had insisted that I had to have it somewhere in the car, but no, I remembered right where it was. He drove all the way back to Mammoth, and upon retracing our steps decided that the Sonora route would be the preferred route at noon. It was miles further in holiday traffic. So patient and kind he was to me. Even though, I am sure it was not our finest moment, being way after dark when we finally got home. How I wished to return to that awkward and tense moment, if it meant we could have those quiet hours in the car just once more.

I traveled on, until I arrived in Bridgeport. The beauty and majesty of the mountains there takes my breath away every time. I think of the time VST gave in and drove me all the way into Bodie, a deserted ghost town, left to an arrested state of decay. I had only dreamed of going there. As we traveled the last three miles of washboard roads, each bounce was torture on his back. The desolate road was not something he felt comfortable or confidant on, but, he drove on for me. That day plays in my mind like yesterday. I wish I would have driven for him, just a little bit, so that he could have rested his shoulders. But, VST wasn’t like that. He loved driving so much, or hated mine more.

In Bridgeport, the trees were brilliant. The cows were statuesque and fat as ticks. The fence by the picnic tables was a combination of metal posts and limbs from trees. Artistic and functional, something only a farm girl might take note of. The tourists going in and out of the mini mart were speaking a variety of languages reminding me that this beautiful place is loved by millions. It made me think of my own traveling experiences to Switzerland, and the lovely places visited. None rivaled what I saw today. My heart was full of wishes that VST was there to hold my hand and drink in the view.

I had made this trip to meet someone new. A cyber friend. Someone that I had talked to over the past few days. The meeting time had been carefully choreographed, with my texts sent at prearranged times. Waiting in the sunshine, I smiled at the possibility of the day, fresh and new. Waiting. I wished for the minutes to race along until he came. Waiting. I stretched my legs and adjusted my sweater. Waiting. Minutes rolling on, until I finally understood the outcome. I realize now, he was just another stranger on his own schedule. I wished VST was there, because, he would NEVER abandon me on an outing. Not in a million years.

At that moment, I wished I was not this stupid, lonely, old woman.

Suddenly, WonderWoman burst into my soul and slapped me around a bit. There was nothing stupid about wishing for a new friend. Nothing wrong with hoping for a fun day, after the horrible year it had been. I was anything but stupid. And, I was waiting not one second longer out of respect for myself.

Right then, I wished to be on my way home through the short cuts of Yerington, which were and will always be my favorite way home. I wished B, D, VST and I were picnic-ing again along the river at the rest stop. I wished VST and I were prepping for a trip at Weed Heights RV Park.

But, most of all, I wished that I was not a widow. That for a tiny window of time, I could be someone’s date on a really cool outing. Not defined by how many months gone, how many months here. Just a pretty woman meeting a nice man for a picnic. I wished.
But, we all know. If wishes were horses, then beggers would ride.

So, for now, I will date myself. No one loves me better, or respects me more. I know exactly what suits me. I have beautiful drives to make and wonderful things to see. I will never leave myself stranded, wanting more. I will never abuse the privilege of being in my own company.

Today, smiling all the way home, I wished VST could see me and know, I am enough all by myself. He didn’t leave a half-person to wail at the moon, throwing her own pity party. He left a beautiful, capable, smart woman who can stand on her own two feet and do just fine. With that said, the songs on the way home were fantastic. Radio blaring and the windows down, I sang my heart out while smiling. VST, you will forever be my wingman. I love the high desert, driving, and you.

Break Down in Aisle Six—Please Be My Friend?

If you have ever moved, you know that the first shopping trip is a doozy. Magnify that by 100x as a brand new widow. Although not my first outing alone, it was the first in my new town, stocking the refrigerator/freezer. I was still shrouded in widow’s fog, a very real malady. Others would refer to it as shock. We would both be correct.

VST and I had always done the shopping together. We would glide through our Wal Mart hitting every department. As the years passed and his arthritis worsened, it became harder and harder for him to walk. His most comfortable position was leaning on the basket as he pushed it along. When done, we would look for a human checker, but, if they were taken, we use self check out. We would take turns emptying the basket, scanning, and bagging. It took us both.

On this first visit alone, so many things raced through my mind. I missed my husband. I missed discussing our shopping needs as we walked the aisles. I missed running into old friends, as we often did, stopping to visit for a minute. Everything was new and overwhelming as I dug out the list and began.

After a full hour, my basket was brimming. At this Walmart, the only choice was self scan. For a single person, this was difficult, even without the added problem of widow’s fog. I needed to put a few things on the belt, scan, bag and repeat, while feeling totally self conscious and overwhelmed. The bagged items were overflowing in the bagged item area, while I was only half finished with the basket. There was no place to put the bags and continue because my basket was still full.

To add to the fun, the scanner kept timing out. The associate working the area needed to come help me repeatedly. Each time, we talked a little more. She, too, was a widow of two years. She understood the stressful nature of the situation and understood the timing out was making it worse. Her kindness was overwhelming, as in this town, I knew no one. Not even her.

M was a beautiful older woman who obviously took very good care herself. Her golden blonde hair was beautiful coifed in a short, curly style. She was trim and energetic, wearing a sweet smile as she helped everyone, including me. She loved her job. You could tell.

When I finished, after a good 30 minute ordeal, she smiled kindly and said so sweetly, “Maybe sometime we can get together for coffee.”

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I mumbled “Thanks.”

Wheeling the basket out of the way, I took a minute. I then did something so out of character, it still gives me chills. Promise me, no matter how low you are, you will never do this. I took out a pen and paper and wrote down my name, address, and phone number. As a lost soul, I went back to her and handed her the paper with tears rolling down my face. It was the Three week anniversary of VST’s death. I handed it to her and she understood everything as our eyes locked.

Driving home, I cursed, hit the steering wheel a few times, and screamed at myself for being so stupid and vulnerable. Who was this sweet woman? I knew her not in the least. I deserved to be robbed, mutilated, and left for dead. The damage was done. UNBELIEVABLY STUPID was I.

The next few days, I hoped she would call to arrange a coffee date, but she didn’t. I then changed my internal conversation to this, “Loser, loser, loser!!!!!! Not even a friend from Wal Mart would call me.” Dark days.

About ten days later, I was in the kitchen when my phone rang. The kindest voice was on the other end. It was my new friend M, asking if I had time to talk. I did. And boy did we, discussing so many things. We were both born in the same California town. We both had sisters. We were both widowed and held each husband’s Celebration of Life on our late husband’s birthdays. We laughed and cried on the phone that day. Just like that, I found a sweet friend.

On my first Dinner date at her home, she gave me a stern lecture on the stupidity of my ways. By this time, we laughed and laughed as we played Chinese Checkers and Uno. Since then, we have enjoyed shopping trips, meals, tears, and gardening plans. M helped with VST’s celebration of life. She brought me the sweetest gift. An antique handkerchief to hold my tears on that day. Only another widow would understand and know that gift would be so special.

I treasure the story of how I met my first friend in a new town where I knew no one. I took a chance on someone that felt so familiar and warm. Her heart reached for my heart and held it in her eyes when she found I was a new widow. She has known how to help me and when to give me space. She has listened when I might have been running towards the future a bit too fast. But, she didn’t judge.

Look for new friends in odd places. Be CAREFUL, but OPEN to kindness from others. When you find kindness, return it gently and see what can grow. It may surprise you that wonderful “strangers waiting to be new friends” are already helping you every day. Just say “Hello”.

Sir Oliver, Gentleman of Ashworth Hall

VST was not a dog person which was one of our troubling differences. Raised on a farm, being a 4-H member, and majoring in Zoology in college, he should have known my love for dogs would never die. Through the years, he always kept me in furry friends, keeping them at a distance from his own heart. Being busy with so many different things, he never discovered what I had known since one bit my nose off at two years old. Dogs are the coolest friends you can ever have. Period.

Settled in VC, totally retired and RVing, I would pine by the dog parks across the country. I would accidentally take the trash out at just the right time to beg a caress from a newly groomed poodle, or win a big old slurpy kiss from a retriever. If missing, he would find me talking with the owners at the dog park wishing I had my own puppy to throw into the mix of wagging tails. I would make not so subtle observations that traveling with the right dog might be fun. He would remind me that our RV was brand new. Did I want the leather seats chewed? Did I want poop on the floor? Did I want to chance loosing the dog at a truck stop? Did we NEED the complications of a dog? Really????

For months, I pined. Really, really pined. I created a virtual dog to dream of. The perfect pet. No messes. No chewed leather. No muss no fuss. I was constantly on the internet looking for a puppy, but I found not THE ONE. Finally, November of 2018, VST woke a changed man. Just like that.

“Darlin, we have been traveling awhile now. Do you still want that dog? Maybe it IS time that we could look.”

I was in shock. Who was this man? Was there a trick here? What was the end game? A dog? I might get a dog??? I MIGHT GET A DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With laser-like focus, through every town traveled, there was a visit to the animal shelter. Nothing. No one there that was even close. We looked at every Craig’s List. Cuties, but none for us. We looked online. Sold out. Sold out. Sold out. And so, the weeks went by. Nothing. Secret relief was his, and I was waiting for the reasons to emerge on how this was a cosmic answer to my longing. I would never have another dog. Period.

My December birthday came and went. I hoped there was a hidden puppy somewhere. It would have the cutest bow on its neck, bigger than it. Hallmark moment 101. To my surprise, I did get a dog gift from him. A Christmas doggie sweater. Long and small, it was adorable. But, very flat and empty. Not puppy filled, squirmy and delightfully kissy. Nope. No dog anywhere. I must admit, I was a little depressed, and almost accepting the fact that it was a cosmic answer.

Until December 23rd.

Just like every other day, I had been in heavy pursuit on the internet. I am a Dachshund girl. Period. I have had several, the very first being when I was six. Fritz. Fritz was a mini, red smooth haired Doxie. My parents got him for the farm, and Fritz lived his entire life outside. No problem with coyotes or wild dogs, Fritz was quite capable of taking care of himself. He lived a great life keeping our ranch free of any one or thing unwanted. He was a great watch dog and a wonderful friend to me as a child.

On December 23rd, I again googled Dachshund Puppy. The following picture emerged.

The add was a normal description of a very unusual dog. I am asked this often, so I will give you the complete description. He is a cream-based piebald, chocolate, wirehaired standard dachshund with green eyes that can look through your soul. VST would add, “Dropped into Area 51, because he is alien. And yes, he sheds. Alot.”

In my heart, the ad said the following.

“If you do not immediately call this breeder, you do not really want a dog at all. This is quite possibly the most adorable dog on the planet. Pick up the phone now, because this guy cannot exist and be available possessing this much swag and cuteness overload.”

He was a bargain puppy. No one had wanted him. He was 4 months old and ready for a new home, and that home was ours. Period. On Christmas Day, the breeder extraordinaire drove from Nevada City to Reno and we met in the snow covered parking lot of the Atlantis Casino. I had the option of not accepting him if he wasn’t the right puppy. Once in my arms, this puppy became Sir Oliver, Gentleman of Ashworth Hall, better known as Oliver or Ollie. (VST named him after a Grandfather, many generations removed). He snuggled toward my heart and stole it right there.

For a few days, I was in terror of what we had just taken on. I was up with him every two hours for months to insure proper potty training. He was neutered and I slept on the recliner with him for two nights. We listened to puppy complaints when he was unhappy and laughed so much as he delighted us with his adorable antics. And just like that, VST became a dog person.

Did he need a new toy? VST would be online finding out the right toys for a him. Was his food just right? Again, more research. As we traveled together in the rig, Oliver was always our first concern. Was he safe, happy, warm, well-fed, and enjoying himself? Oliver was happy as could be. He would see us preparing for a trip and remind us the entire time that he wanted to be included. He always was.

VST quickly learned that when they walked together, Oliver stole the show. People would stop their cars to ask us about him. Women requested pictures with him. I am referring to Oliver. Strangers would smile big, wide, happy smiles, all while Ollie just did this thing. Dignified and true to his blue blood name, he became a Gentleman.

For almost two years, Ollie and VST were walking buddies. I would smile as I stood on the deck and watched them trot off. Oliver kept his puppy waddle far past his first year. He would take on a new happiness when being with VST, one that he never had with me. Just a little free spirit walking with his man.

VST took his part in Ollie’s life serious, and one day, quietly decided to teach him a new trick. Not being a dog person, it would really irritate me when he would stare at dogs in the eye. I would remind him that in many cases, that is how people get bit in the face. He cared not. So, I would see VST and Ollie gazing at each other, but didn’t understand what was happening. VST silently taught Oliver to wink. There they were conversing through eye movements of the oddest kind. VST became a true dog whispering soul.

I have told others since that Oliver will wink at them if he feels like it. No one believes me until they wink at him and he winks back. You have to be a very special sort of person for him to interact with you in that way. He saves this for his very favorite people.

Since April 8, Oliver has taken on the role of my emotional support dog. He doesn’t wear or even need a vest. He has soft green eyes that look into my soul and know when I need a doggie hug. He knows when I get stressed and encourages me that it surely must be nap time. He senses when I need a laugh and does something adorable. He is good at knowing when I have had enough, and doesn’t try anything silly. He still steals my socks, and anything else he finds humorous. He watches our front door to keep out the unwanteds. And he is my writing buddy when I blog.

I picture myself at my first book signing someday soon. I will be dressed in appropriate writer clothing, picked out for the occasion. My makeup will be just right. Fresh haircut. A stack of pens, ready to go. Oliver will be himself. I can guarantee you, the line will form to the right to get pics with Ollie. I will sigh, and give him the limelight.

For a time, Ollie brought the beauty and love of a dog to one man that had never experienced it. He brought an old couple such happiness by just being himself. He may be my last dog, but he is definitely the one I will never get over.

Your dog is doing double time right now, grieving with you and for you. They deserve a little free time to be a dog. Take a walk. Play outside with a new toy. Just for a minute, delight in your dog and give a smile or laugh. They will be relieved that you are feeling better. And, feel better you will.

A huge thank you to Song Catcher Dachshunds in Nevada City, California. Breeding for over 30 years for soundness, personality, and beauty. Please mention that you met Oliver and he says Hi!!

HEART FRIENDS

Thursday last, I sat waiting as so many Seniors do. We wait for many sad, happy, frustrating, unexplainable, funny, terrifying, and peaceful things. I was waiting for my friend to arrive. A HEART FRIEND as a student once described special bonds that we form with very few in life. This kind of friend is of the deepest kind, covering you with love, protection and things you need when you need them. I am blessed with this kind of friend that was visiting on the 6 month anniversary of VST’s death.

I remember when we met. It could have ended badly. You see, we loved the same guy. VST loved her first and she had an 11 year jump on me in this situation. While my love was unfolding in new and exciting ways, hers was deep, steady, and rock solid. They shared a history of which I was not a part. It was up to me to honor that and find a way to create new memories we would cherish decades later. She had him at their first Hello on May 25, 1976. She was K to me, and oldest Daughter to VST.

The doorbell rang, and there she was, the best hugger and friend, knowing the day would be tough. Intuitive and gracious, she had cleared her schedule for the next few days to come hang out and remember our VST/DAD. We each owned separate memories of our man, that brought a more complex picture to light when shared. She was an hour earlier than I thought she would be, after a six hour drive. In a moment of highly energized happiness, the doorbell rang again. I really didn’t hear it, and in a gentle way, she said I should check.

As I opened the door, out popped T. This bulk of a man standing in my doorway completed the Momento Perfecto. T was K’s other half. A dear friend and rock to me since 1987. Smart, strong, problem solving T. When I met him, long ago, the connection we had was real and authentic. I never had to pretend around him, smiling and cheering his accomplishments, which were vast. His connection with VST was a bond that is as deep as time passed and eternity to come. He could have claimed VST as his own, meeting him first on May 25, 1976 as VST’s only biological son and K’s twin. He could have warned his SIS to steer clear of the new gal in Dad’s life, but, he didn’t. He had every right to, but he opened his heart to me and my boys, J and D. The Three Amigos were off and huddling at the first meeting. The seven of us rolling through happy in our red VW van. Here he was in my doorway, smiling and glad they got me good. K hadn’t mentioned they BOTH cleared their lives to come comfort ME.

Here I was, StepMom, but our steps had led me to Friends. How very beautiful and blessed it is to call them FRIENDS of the HEART kind.

When VST got sick, we had been feral parents, holding hands and running towards life. Illness slowed that to a standstill. We hadn’t known how serious things would become, but, T and K were on it. They came every weekend to visit. They made us calmer, happier, and less scared. They brought life of a vibrant kind to a very frightful enviorment and most importantly, they made VST/DAD’s heart smile. By coming, they brought FAMILY to our home, which healed and mended us all in ways we didn’t know needed fixing.

To me, they will always be my Kids. They are anything but kids or children.

Tim is a funny, logical, brilliant, and handsome knockoff of VST. He is a wonderful father to three beautiful kids that will someday ask him not to refer to them as kids anymore. He is driving every aspect of his own version of the red VW bus, making sure their familial path is on target. He loves is sweet M with all his strength for the beauty she is in and out. He grieves for the loss of his Dad deeply. He is a 6’6” softy to the core. When we are together, it is my hope just for a minute, he can put down his heavy load, and be our kiddo again. The freedom of childhood can be revisited while you still have a mom friend who calls you a kid.

Kim is an exquisitely beautiful and fierce woman not to taken lightly. She is funny, sensitive, kind, and thoughtful. To me, she is the Friend Daughter I didn’t raised from birth, but fell in love with, none the less. We chose the same career in teaching, but, SHE took it and ran faster and farther. Her students are blessed to be under her wing. Her own mothering abilities shine in the faces of her two man-children. Kim is wise and patient. She skillfully releases her boys to freedom and then reels them back in when needed. She cherishes her sweet husband, J, remembering when they met in grade school. K mourns the DAD that took her to the fair as a young girl one minute, and walked her down the aisle to her future the next. She remembers that, in his eyes, she was and will be his little girl for eternity.

In past posts I have referred to The Kids. That was wrong. They are not part of a pack or a rock group. They are T and K. The best parts of their dad reflecting his brilliance, grace, honestly, loyalty, and at times, funny looks or words. They hold his memory gently and share it with me. They are strong, beautiful adults that will need to forgive me if I call them kids. In my eyes, they are T and K. All things listed above and so much more, My kids, but more importantly, my HEART FRIENDS.

Today, hug your kids and hug them again. As parents, you already know. They may be bigger, but they will always be sweet, loveable kids to us.

The Weirdest Dream

Dreams have always been a personal comfort and place of wonder. My traveled dreamscapes are richly diverse, with beauty unexperienced on my wakeful side. Growing stories throughout my sleep-filled nights, I awaken before light, ready to harvest my thoughts, and serving them up in text. In my dreams, I am an athletic, svelte, tall, very blonde, ageless beauty. I can rollerblade, snow ski, skateboard, and backpack the Pacific Crest Trail from Canada to Mexico in a night. I see the tiniest details and make notes on how they will enrich my writing. All in the night, while peacefully I sleep.

The thing that has escaped me night after night has been one more visit with VST. Mornings have held disappointment as I slowly wake to remember there was no magical meeting the night before. No visit on A sun-kissed island, with azure seas surrounding us, or at our kitchen table at dawn. No last kiss of passion, regret, sadness, or goodbye. Not one more gaze into eyes that held my forever, while giving me a playful wink, or THAT look, which came in many varieties. Looks I learned to translate immediately, whether they drew me in, told me to straighten up and fly right, or ended a conversation. I would settle for just one more time having eye conversations, no matter the topic. I would awake refreshed and full or other dreams, but not the one I wanted so badly. Until a few weeks ago, that is.

I went to sleep after watching half a movie. Nothing new. Oliver was making sweet sleeping-puppy sounds in his crate while I floated off to dreamland, as usual. The next morning, my wish had been fulfilled. VST and I had shared the night before.

We were visiting outdoors in a beautiful place, natural and green. We smiled and talked for most of the dream, quietly savoring the moments we were able to share. He was his younger self, and without any signs of illness. Just my Dr. H. Most of our words remain muffled, shared celestially. Their essence cocooned my heart in peace. Cancer could not rob us of this quiet conversation of souls. Most was just beyond memory’s reach, but there was a portion clearly recalled.

“Darlin, the memorial was fine. Perfect. The words and songs you chose honored our life together, and me in ways that warmed my heart.”

At that moment, I felt a wave a relief that everything was done now.

“It’s great that you sent programs and notes to all the friends that couldn’t come. Nice touch that took extra effort. Thanks for doing that. It was all just beautiful.”

“However……”

However? What was coming next? But what, VST??????? Really????

“You screwed up on one part.”

I knew it. I knew it. Even from beyond the veil, one moment remained in which VST could have done things a bit different, and definitely better. I sighed, wishing so much that he was still here.

“Please explain yourself.”

“Everyone was remembered that needed to be, except for three. Pat, Steve, and Harry. Honey, you forgot to tell them. Please. Tomorrow. Hurry. Send them special notes that explain I have gone. Do it tomorrow. Please don’t forget.”

“I promise.”

That was the revelation I had awaited for months? The only thing I could remember? Not a final, ‘I will love you forever?’ or ‘I have a place saved for you?’ No. Just a reminder than three very important men in his life needed to know he died. A former doctoral classmate, boss, and close work friend? I knew the boss and workmate from our lives spanning 1988 through 2001. Although I had heard about the doctoral friend for 19 years, I had never met him. These three people would have never come to the forefront of my brain, only because I was not VST. His friends were precious to him as mine are to me, but personal to HIM.

In the morning, I retrieved “THE BOX” from the closet. If you’re widowed, I assume you have “A BOX”, as well. I have inherited “THE BOX” from Grandparents, and even though the items inside never held a great deal of meaning to me, disposing of something treasured for so many years couldn’t happen. Now I have my own. In VST’s box, there are extra programs, prayer cards, a guest book, and sympathy cards. Every one of them is precious to me, making the box sacred. Everything I needed to complete three last notices that their dear friend was gone.

I penned special notes to each of the three men. Sealed in silver envelopes with program and prayer card, I sent the three cards on their way with love. Mission accomplished VST. You just come back anytime to discuss the missing and loving me parts. This, I handled for you. I went on with my day.

Two weeks later, I heard the mail truck outside. For those of you that still have the luxury of a personal mail box at your drive, you know what a treat it can be. I love 11:30 when I hear the mail lady starting and stopping on her way to house after house, until I hear her engine pause at mine. I went to retrieve the mail and found inside a card addressed to me.

It was a handwritten card that had been sent snail mail. The return address identified it as being from Dr. Pat. The card had a picture of the American flag, something VST respected so much. I opened it to find an entire page filled with manly printing, created with pen and ink.

Dear Joy,

So sad….he was one of the most easy going, happy-go-lucky friends I have had the pleasure to know…..Know he is in heaven….you now have a guardian angel…way too young….lucky to have traveled together….Truly hearbreaking….Am a better person for having known him.

All the sweet things one would expect until I read further.

Will be 60 next July and can retire after 35 years on police force…. CANCER…..diagnosed with leukemia 5 years ago……..dealing with various treatments…..God willing…..

VST’s real life Superman had been hit with his own version of kryptonite. No kevlar vesting could protect him from Cancer’s bullet. After all his service protect millions of people during his 35 year career, he was fighting this alone, as every cancer patientdoes. VST knew. I understood now why THIS was the important thing I needed to remember,

I held the letter in disbelief. The handwriting on the paper spoke volumes from a man I had never met. To a friendship rare and dear formed over years in a doctoral program. A man that was sent a special shout out from the beautiful shadows of my dream. A man so special, VST made sure he was not forgotten.

You just never know what dreams may hold. Or the mail box on a sunny day in September. Reach out and remind Old Friends forgotten about your loved one. Send notes in the mail, taking time to hand write your memories of their importance in your life. Stamp them. Send them. They will brighten a day, possibly giving hope when it is waning. Embrace your dreams. You never know what they will hold.

6 Months Gone, 6 Months Here

Widowhood. Six months in. I am in awe of the oldish-new woman sitting here blogging. Strange. It appears that these are my Germanic fingers pecking at the keys. Quite sure Oliver recognizes me as the same person who has fed him his meals since he became mine. The neighbors all wave to the familiar woman down the street. Old Friends and family still ring me up to find out how I’m doing. But, no, I’m not the same woman of 6 months ago. That woman died with VST and was immediately replaced with another tougher version of myself.

Unless you are a widow, and even if you are, you can’t fully know the unique path my journey has taken. In the past Covid-wrecked months, I have been on a trek through a frightful wilderness worse than any high Sierra trail. It has been so lonely and cold at times, I surely wanted to lay my body down in the snow and allow grief to devour me like savage carnivores. Having my arms torn off by real Alaskan wolves would have been less painful. So desolate and invisibly vast, no matter how I have tried to hurry along, believing I’m out of the woods, I make a small turn to the right or left, and there I am again. The path is atrociously hideous at times, and yet, totally natural. There has been no quicker way to come, no short cut, nothing more than this path that I travel by myself, even when others are present.

My words have buoyed me beyond my wildest expectations. Food, Shelter, Clothing, Friendship, Everlasting Love, Faith, Adventure, and Happiness. Those words, my port in the storm, highlight the core of the power couple that was Dr. and Mrs. Hurt. It is odd that the time has arrived to pick a new word for Month Seven. Reflecting on the words that represented us over 32 years has filled me with the comfort that beautiful memories can bring. A meadowy retreat for respite from the ravages of grief.

I revisit the past 12 months in my mind. A year ago, we had just decided to visit Cayucos on the California coast again. VST was still taking Oliver on his daily walks. We had decided to stay in VC a while longer, and just named the house The Dunmovin House for that reason. There were subtle changes in VST that I internalized as frailties of my own or, even more scary and unthinkable, of our marriage. Even if we would have known the real causes for these changes earlier, the outcome would have been the same. The only difference would have been that we would have missed our last two RV trips which held sweet memories made.

I think of Christmas last. I was sick with a cold for a week, which I so graciously gifted to VST. As we took turns caring for one another, Christmas came and went in the midst of the snow flurries on our mountain. A white Christmas for our last earthly holiday together.

With spring’s arrival, projects completed, and the last nail driven, VST finished his job. He put down his tools, being proud of his life and accomplishments. He touched so many in profoundly wonderful ways. His strength carried others through their own struggles. He loved like no other. Fierce and true. He was a loyal and trustworthy man truly worthy of being a Knight Templar. He was also a man worthy of not only the title of FATHER, but more importantly, DAD. He was imperfectly perfect to those of us that loved him longest and best, and to those that were lucky enough to call him friend. He was my Dr. H.

Through Goodbyes to VST, this new woman has now stepped out of the far reaches of my soul. Helpful. Strong. Smart. Funny. Inquisitive. And SCARED AS HELL. She came from nowhere to flourish and thrive as she put down roots immediately after VST’s death in this new little town called HOME. She is the new me. I own those attributes now, as I always did. I must admit, in recent years, I chose to rest complaisantly as a wife allowing life to pass. Along the way, I lost focus, passion, and ambition. I became a passenger in my own life story, doing that all on my own. It wasn’t especially fair to VST, although he never complained. I don’t have that option anymore. I don’t want that ME anymore. She died with VST.

Today, I choose Happiness. Faith. Strength. Perseverance. God. I am finding my way forwards. I choose not to sit and rest too long. I move onward towards positive goals for the future, creating as I continue through the wilderness of my first year of widowhood. I’m quite positive there are treacherous rivers yet to cross, with crags and crannies that could feel like they might devour my soul. But, I also know I am strong enough to stay on the path. It’s going to be okay. God and I have this, together.

As a married woman, I could have never imagined taking my wedding ring off for a minute. I’ve never been one to wear jewelry of any kind, let alone pricey stones in garish designs. My wedding band was so perfect. Simple. Comfortable. Golden. Like VST and me. Scratched through our 32 years, but still a circle. A comfort to me when VST passed, it was a reminder than the three decades shared had not been a dream, but real.

One day, in late summer, I awoke to a new feeling. I could wear this ring no longer for OUR vows were not tethered to something as earthly as a bit of gold. My ring couldn’t begin to contain something so precious, vast, and unending similar to the heavens in which my new guardian angel rested. It was band of gold that was constricting my finger and just a piece of jewelry now. I was no longer a wife, but a widow. I could wear it not a second longer. When removed, I was left with a temporarily deformed ring finger, morbidly pale and chronically constricted. The nerves were sensitive to anything that brushed across that spot on my finger screaming their protests at being exposed to widowhood. A strange sensation I was not expecting.

Six months gone, six months here, I find myself with an interest in finding friends again. I laugh with them on the phone, making plans for adventures new and foreign to me. I’m taking an interest in dressing the new woman that I am becoming. I speak in a gentler, kinder way to myself, encouraging thoughts and actions that are creating the best version of myself. I cheer for me when I am hitting things out of the park. I smile from my heart and like it. My winter has past on most days. My 65th Autumn is here, and I find myself hoping it lasts for a couple of decades, at least.

One of the last things that VST said to me in weak and quiet words was, “I want to go back to the ocean.” I think about the day I will travel to San Simeon to release him to the wind. With the final page of our story written, we’ll go their together together sharing our last and final earthly Goodbye. Today, Month Six finished, the thought is immediately shelved and encased behind glassy, tearful eyes. There is plenty of time for healing on this the first widowed year of mine.

As you read this, please cheer for me in your own way. Then, cheer for yourself and all your journey has taught you. Celebrate the love you share with important people in your life. Call them. Hug them. Laugh. Cherish the life you shared with the one you lost and travel through the wilderness of widowhood with me. Love surrounds us and we are not alone in this. We WILL come out into the clearing, and be much stronger for the journey.

ALOHA

Hawaii-philes. A new phrase coined describing VST and me. Through 32 years, we became absolutely addicted to the islands and all that Aloha brings with it. It started with two young lovers taking a second honeymoon in their first year of marriage. The initial fascination and love for paradise grew to much more, over the years.

It all started in 1988, when we were adorable kids. Married six months, reality was setting in. The monumental tasks of parenting a blended family of five was a bit overwhelming. It is one thing to fall in love with a soulmate. Falling in love with a parent of young kids is a very complicated dance. We had to learn to navigate the schedules and personalities of five children, ages 12-7, while not offending grandparents and extended family who held their breath while having everyone’s best interest at heart. Said onlookers had finally given up counting to 9, convinced that we married so quickly because a sixth child was on the way. Believe me, we figured that out on the first date. Five was plenty.

VST came home from work after an extremely stressful day with a brochure he had been given from a co-workers wife. “Pleasant Hawaiian Vacations. Dream the Dream. Live the Aloha Spirit”. The blue waters shown on the brochure were inviting. There was a twinkle in his eye as he asked me if I would run away with him, if only for a week. This while children played in the background and dinner was on the stove. What’s a girl to do??? Of Course!

Our first trip cost us $450 a person, including airfare from Fresno. Money well spent, that I assure you, we did not have in our budget. Six nights, seven days on Oahu. Six glorious days of adult-ing. Sleeping in. Breakfast overlooking the beach. Catamaran rides. All the cheesy things first time visitors do to get the perfect pictures they will cherish forever. We were the young couple old couples would look at and smile. I get it now. They were smiling because they remembered what the NEW was like. Sparking, tanned, trim, and sexy. We spent the week getting to know each other better. We were celebrating the one year anniversary of our Class Reunion, when we had reunited as friends. On that night, two stoic singles insisted their solitary lives were exactly what they had designed. A year later, we knew the design of our lives together was what we had been searching for.

Through the years, we visited Hawaii 30 times. It would have been a good idea to buy a place. Each time we would leave the plane the experience was the same for me. I was home. The air caressing my skin and giving life to my dried out Central Valley lungs was exquisite. No matter the weather, the feeling of returning to city life was thrilling. Farming, the demands of two full time careers needed to support the farm, pre-PsyD college courses, parenting, and still being parented were immense stressors. When a fragrant, Hawaiian rainstorm caught us out walking, we could actually stop and kiss in the middle of it. Not watch in horror as our raisin crop lay threatened on vineyard rows that seemed to go on for miles.

At first, it was annual trips. Endless searching for the right deal on the right hotel, always looking for deep discounts to get closer to ocean front. Each trip earned flight miles, and pretty soon, we were flying nearly free to hotels beach front and 50% off. Our trips got better and better, while becoming bi-annual.

Through the years, our travel experiences were the same. We had endless conversations about anything and everything. Without the stresses and strains of daily life, we could allow our brains to free range. We brainstormed new business ideas. Finally, we had time to talk about the problems in Row 72 of the vineyard and what we could do to mitigate them. We had time to marvel at the growth our children were making. We had time to gossip. We belly laughed. We could sit under a cabana and say nothing, and yet saying nothing said volumes. We were ourselves at peace.

On flights, five hours in duration, I made some observations. VST and I were the couple that was talking, holding hands, cuddled up, giggling, and whispering. We compared our airplane food. We found music channels and poked each other under cloaks of headphones, pointing and giving thumbs up. The others in the plane disappeared, leaving just us in our own world. We drank in those moments like the intoxicating elixir they were. What saddened me a little was the number of couples that were total strangers. What had life done to their visible ties? One in a book, the other on binge. I made notes to myself that we would not become like that. It would take everything we had not to.

Our best trip involved taking our kids with us when they were young olders. With a rented condo and lots of patience from everyone involved, we had the trip of a lifetime. We watched the kids enjoy their first experience flying. We watched them soak in the healing powers of Aloha and relax. We made memories that are frozen in our hearts in the most precious way. We celebrated being a family unique to us. We fought and fretted. We lost one, which found himself and came back to us after a brief trip to report him missing at the police station. We tried to capture quiet adult moments sipping a tropical drink, only to have sand-throwing hellions creep into our peripheral vision. We taught. We took. We showed the island to them through our eyes and they embraced their own visions through their own. Magical and full of our own Menehunes, our trip was one of our most precious moments together.

I always felt that if something happened to VST, when the dust had settled, I would rent a place in Oahu . For years, VST and I would notice a poor soul near Waikiki beach. We called her Cannie Annie. She was always in the same spot. All day, every day, she sat cross-legged near a walkway, smashing cans. Her skin was the nearest to tanned leather that I have ever seen. She sat, smiling, as she smashed one aluminum can after can. Maybe I would become the new version of Cannie Annie. At the very least, I would breathe in healing air, and let the Menehunes take me by the hand into their world, because I was sure without VST, my world would cease.

Covid ripped that possibility away from me and shredded it to bits. So many days, I have wanted to run, not walk to the airport and buy a one way ticket to paradise. But, paradise is closed. Fitting that the one place in which I might find my most precious memories waiting in a sunset or trade wind caress is blocking tourists. Maybe the Menehunes just had no more to give. How many souls over the years have gone to the islands taking its magic as their own? The islands are as tired as the rest of us. Pele needs to regroup. The locals need to dance for themselves for awhile. My soft place to fall disappeared.

So, in Month Five, Oliver and I took a Covid trip. Best bargain I have ever found. Aloha in the Living Room. Do Ho came and gave us a private concert. I served fresh pineapple while watching Elvis come to life in Blue Hawaii. I took out memory books from past trips, and I returned there, half the young couple that September night on Waikiki kissing under a full moon when not another soul was on the beach. During that kiss, Hawaii was all encompassing and the only place in the world we wanted to be. My trip was splendid. I didn’t need to quarantine for two weeks. Oliver didn’t need to worry about traveling in a confining crate. No masks. Just vacation time in our living room, celebrating Aloha with memories enough for a lifetime. I am quite sure Oliver noticed the Menehune discussing the fact that my world without VST didn’t cease, and that their guidance to a distance forest wouldn’t be needed after all.

Grab your own MaiTai and find your own Aloha spirit. As defined by the State of Hawaii, “Aloha is the coordination of mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to each other.” The world needs each of us to LIVE Aloha in our lives today. Remember your moment under the moonlight, and embrace it as the miracle it was and remains this very day.

Low Down on Widow Credit, (Not Home Depot, Just Sayin)

Saturday morning, April 25. The eve of my major move off the mountain, exactly 17 days after VST left. We were standing, three grieving amigos, at the appliance counter of a major chain hardware store (Not Home Depot. Just sayin). Along with all my other equally pressing decisions, my new home, Winterpast, needed appliances.(King Solomon 2:10-14) Frig, range, dishwasher, washer/dryer. VST and I made the decision that all appliances would be replaced before we moved in, and I intended to carry through.

I knew exactly what I would get. My VC range was heavenly, and I wanted that exact model. The Frig needed to have the freezer on the bottom, with french doors on top. The dishwasher needed to have a food grinder and heated dry cycle. The washer and dryer needed to be full size and pretty. Kitchen stainless, washer/dryer white. As we stood in the appliance section waiting for someone to help us, I made most of my selections shortly after walking in. As the kids wandered and wondered how I would choose, I already knew what I wanted. But, what I wanted most was to get back to VC and prepare for the movers to arrive the next morning.

I had already gone through Round One with this store. Four days before, I had done the right thing and called to cancel VST’s credit card. Here is a little history.

VST and I loved remodeling things together. It was our happy spot. He had an eye for what could be and knew just how to create beautiful spaces. I could describe something to him, and he would take the idea to the next level, creativity resulting with awe inspiring projects. It took us both. It was not without a fair share of bantering, arguing, stalemates, and compromise. But, in the end, every project was a work of beauty and we looked for the next.

For the first two years in VC, I worked while VST was at home alone, with one huge project in mind. My dream kitchen. I knew that if I didn’t work, the kitchen would be put on hold. For once, I wanted to earn a project myself. I wanted to pay for every shim and handle with my own paycheck. The kitchen had been abused by the previous owners, who had cooked for their restaurant frying with peanut oil. It was a given when we bought the VC house, that the kitchen would need to be replaced, and so the project began.

VST had gone to the Carson City major chain hardware store (not Home Depot, just sayin) and in minutes, had a sufficient line of credit. Alone. Without my signature. We thought nothing of it. We had wanted the store card for the additional discount we could apply when buying cabinets, granite, installation, and all the other items needed. The limit was perfect for our kitchen budget and we went to work. Over six years, we used the card for every project we tackled on the house, always being glad we had it. We never paid a cent of interest. One of VST’s golden rules.

Getting back to me. Widowed. Clueless. Very new to the tricks of cancelling my late husband’s financial life, this chain hardware store (Not Home Depot. Just sayin) would not be helpful.

Days before the appliance purchase, seated at a mound of paperwork, to-do’s and had done’s, I called. After punching an endless amount of numbers to route me to the correct department, the dance started. I explained that I had an account, my husband had died, and I needed a replacement. The associate pounced on that.

“His account is now closed. The closing bill will arrive in 5-7 working days.”

Wait, I thought in utter disbelief. Miscommunication here. No, No, No. I need a new card to purchase the appliances on Saturday for the new house. I want the minuscule discount. Wait. It was MY work that let us pay off the kitchen. Wait just a minute.

“This account was in the name of the decedent, alone. You are welcome to apply for a new card of your own online. Sorry for your loss. Goodbye.”

I stared blankly at the phone. They didn’t just do that. No! But, yes. They did.

Going online, I filled out the screen properly, assuming that the computer would crosscheck any prior activity and my new account would have an equal credit limit. After all, it was MY job that allowed us to funnel My income to their chain hardware store (Not Home Depot. Just sayin). I waited for the computer to decide the fate of my credit limit.

My limit flashed on the screen.

$500.

This wouldn’t cover the washer I selected, let alone all the appliances. So I called back the chain hardware store plead my case(Not Home Depot. Just sayin).

“Just inquire at the store when you go to make your purchase. Perhaps the store manager will agree to raise your limit. Sorry for your loss. Goodbye.”

Back to Saturday. The kids were in shock at the speed in which I could rack up a huge bill on appliances. We had not discussed the fact that I had already picked these out in my head, as the buying frenzy occurred. A five minute walk through appliance heaven, and my order was complete. Now came the bill and method of payment.

I presented my shiny new Lowe’s credit card. Of course, I tried. With a puzzled look, the associate whispered, “This will cover $500. Do you have any way of covering the rest?”

I was handed the phone after requesting the store manager. I pleaded my case, and was then connected to Credit Customer Service. To which the answer was…

“At this time, your credit limit is $500. Sorry for your loss. Goodbye.”

It was then I found a wee bit of happiness and hilarity at this very moment. I smiled a sweet smile as I reached into my purse. The kids, not knowing how I would handle this situation, were quietly horrified. What was I reaching for???

And there it was. Platinum Visa. Financial solvency does have its rewards. I had wanted my own replacement card to honor the memory of VST. But, this would work just fine. I thanked the girl and we left. I am quite sure she wondered how this old, widowed woman in torn jeans and a tee pulled that off at the appliance counter on a Saturday morning at the major chain hardware store (Not Home Depot. Just sayin).

The moral of the story is this. Whatever you do, think before you start canceling your husband’s financial standing. Get your ducks in a row. Because, the minute you start, it is a constant response of “Canceled. Sorry for your loss. Goodbye.” Remember that the associates that are helping you are just doing their job. They didn’t write the crazy rules. They may be dreaming of a day they no longer need to work at a chain hardware store (Not Home Depot. Just sayin). Remember that there are many paths to get to a final destination. Be determined and persevere.

Hi! If you are enjoying my writing, please subscribe. Drop me a line to say Hi! I appreciate your visit and continued support. Joy

Choose Happiness

Prone to decision weariness when overwhelmed, I marvel at all I have decided in my first 6 months into widowhood. There was no choice in the matter. From what I fed myself out of my Winter/Covid stocked cabinets and freezer, to whether I would live on a golf course or in a neighborhood, the decisions flew at me. Life altering and heart wrenching decisions that would have far reaching consequences.

I grieved the absence of VST. Which funeral home? Cremation? An urn? A service? Obituary? Pictures chosen with care? Proper eulogy? How many death certificates? Where to start financially? Friends to alert? Countless other, smaller details swirled in the first week. I had friends remind me to practice self care. In my case, it was all I could do to keep my daily planner close, documenting the smallest things, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even at that, without choosing, ten pounds were gone. Mechanical and deliberate, I became an automaton, while making choice after choice.

The move was a choice VST and I made for ourselves when life was not irretrievably shattered. But daunting choices emerged. Which movers? Budget? Logistics? To rent the new house early? When to clean the old one? Which Internet at the new house? Where to return ATT equipment from the old? Insurance changes? Who would drive the rig to the new RV barn? All these things would have been a full time ordeal as a couple. Now, it was just me in the wilderness of Grief during Covid silence. I was choosing as fast as I could.

Our beautiful, strong, funny, grieving, blended, adult children became my comrades supreme. Just when the ability to make another decision was fading, they would call to check on me. How did they know their voices were what I needed to hear the most? Just at the right time. Always affirming that we were in this together for the long haul. In a blended family, I always knew, although VST and I chose each other, the kids had no say in the matter. Yet, we all blended into this fantastic mix of a normal family and all the ups and downs that go with that. After 32 years, they were all ours. All mine. All there supporting me. Me supporting them. In the past, there were periods where they had Facebook duels and clashes, as siblings do. But, in this situation, with me flying solo, they banded together stronger than I ever knew they could. This gilded our wedding vows made so long ago, when VST were over a decade younger than our kids were now.

My closest friends became closer, listening and giving advice when I needed it. They came to me. 6 hours one way. Multiple times. To hold my hand and find laughter. To celebrate VST’s life on his 66 birthday, when so many couldn’t because Covid endangered fragile health. They came, masks dropped, arms open, to hug an emotionally spent widow who needed them more than ever before. They knew the right things to say, even when it was nothing at all.

An easy decision helped me through the lonely days when the kids were busy with their lives, and Covid isolated me. I decided to be grateful. Morning still cloaked in darkness, before feet hit the floor, I would pray. For VST and me. For the kids. For Oliver. For goodness to come in small ways. I would be grateful for something in my life each moment I could. And then, I CHOSE HAPPINESS. Each day. Happiness. In the beginning, I faked it of course. But, I would find at least one thing morning, noon, and night to be happy about. In time, I found myself turning on the radio and singing once in awhile. I ended my draining fascination with the news, and finally turned it off all together. I talked to VST every day, and shared happiness with him as I rearranged my old life into blooms of my new one.

This choice was a deliberate decision. As a grieving widow, I would be reduced to ugly crying by the strangest things. A found pair of frayed jockey briefs. An empty pen in the desk. Pictures of landscapes in which I could transport back to the time, day, and place, remembering conversations VST and I were having while taking the shot. Tools that VST carried to fix things for me, never complaining, but saying, “It’s nothing, Darlin, fixed and done. What next?” An empty RV that slayed me every time I stepped inside, bringing me to my knees by the memories of 50,000 miles of exploring, laughing, arguing, plotting, planning, and discovering. But, in the background of my grief,were also 50,000 miles of sheer happiness and adventure, while holding each other on the journey.

As the months have unfolded, it now seems strange for me not to live in the now of happiness. I smile. Alot. Even when no one is looking. I sing when there is no one to hear. I dance in his shirt in horribly choppy, 70’s moves, knowing he is here with me, dancing in an even more awkward way then me. I laugh with Oliver and can see his relief that his old/new mom is better now. I see him relaxing more, because I have his back again. I am finding delight in my autumn garden. Always looking for something to form a happiness connection, I find that memories flood back and are now welcomed. Not painful, like swallowing a bitter pill, but comforting, warm, and delicious.

My dearest, sweet friend brought me a housewarming gift so affirming and final. “Choose Happiness” stated in metal formed in cursive. It hangs over my kitchen table as a mission statement that feeling happy IS a choice I need to make every single moment. Choose happiness for the moment right now, and remember what it looks like. Feel it, like a carmel, hot fudge sundae feeding your soul. Smooth, rich, warm, and full. Focus on the feeling and call it back throughout the day. Slowly, the feeling will become like breathing, like your pulse, or anything else constant and life supporting.

Do some events and people drain the happiness from our lives? Every day. Deal with them in the most positive way you know how. Identify those that drain you of this positive feeling and limit your experiences with them for a time. In the beginning happiness felt foreign to me, like I was cheating on VST and his passing. How ridiculous! I got a letter from a dear friend of his in which I was reminded that VST was one of the most happy-go-lucky people he knew. After all, VST’s theme song was, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. Although a die hard Country Western fan, this remained his theme song for our entire marriage. Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

Today, do some little thing that makes you smile, or better, snicker, or best, throw out a booming belly laugh. Dance a little, in a frenzied way in your husband’s favorite work shirt. Watch a comedian online, or a funny movie that you can’t resist smiling over. Retrain yourself to feel happiness if only for a few minutes at first. And make a choice. Because, in this wilderness of grief, there needs to be the North Star of hope, perseverance, and gratitude, with a rainbow of happiness above it all.

Willie’s Roadhouse, Friendship, and Me

Willie’s Roadhouse was all new to me in the summer of 2017. While RVing with VST, I became a new fan of Country Western Music. He had grown up at Grandpa Arch Dell’s knee listening to Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys. With satellite radio in our rig, the driver had the choice of stations. Willie’s Roadhouse would play for long stretches through plains and prairies. I learned to love the songs. Alot. When the driving was treacherous, we would both belt out “Big Ball’s in Cowtown” in unison, laughing until we almost cried, because some places VST drove us took big balls, and not of the dancing kind.

Recently, I was unpacking boxes and listening to a country western station when I heard, for the first time, “You Can’t Make Old Friends”, a duet by Dolly and Kenny. A trip to Dollywood had been on our list of destinations before it might be to late to see her perform live. We were quite sure the problem would be on Dolly’s end, not ours. Boy, were we wrong. The song was about their special friendship over the years, being the OLD FRIENDS they sang about in the song.

Stopping and taking time to reflect about the message in the lyrics, I thought of the experiences I was having in an unfamiliar town while meeting new friends. Neighbors on my block were still strangers. Their houses stood like unopened presents on Christmas morning. Some were going to be just what you wanted more than anything else in the world, and others were going to hold no fascination. New connections? No connections? New service providers. The Mail Lady. Gardener. All mysterious.

Having lost VST, who would now set me straight when I needed it the most? Who would share truths a best friend would spit like darts, because they would know just what you needed to hear. Who would interrupt my crazy stories, if embellished just a little too much? Who would add the tiniest detail forgotten that would make the whole story so much better? Who would drive me nuts finishing my sentences, or in later years, color my thoughts? I have lost the best friend I relied on through my adult years. The one that saved my butt so many times. VST.

Beginning a new song, men friends would appear at the appropriate time for me. Ready to take me to coffee? Ice cream? Dinner? Each situation ripe with the appropriate expectations of conversation while prospecting for possible links, not yet knowing about the core belief and value parts of me that needed knowing for an OLD FRIENDSHIP to thrive.

I meet new friends every day. I say HI in a way that is hopeful and upbeat. I flash a smile and try to sneak a furtive peek into their eyes. Their gaze usually shifts quickly when mine is spotted. I am left to wait, hoping real friendship will develop slowly, while looking for validation that doesn’t come in ways comfortable and shared for decades.

The song goes on to discuss harmonizing with someone. My initial thoughts race back to high school choir, when VST and I would join others on key. Our voices, soprano and bass would blend together back then to form a recognizable and enjoyable song. Two YOUNG FRIENDS. Little did we know our voices would create so many harmonies throughout the years. Hello’s. Promises. Vows. Dreams. Songs. Agreements. Arguments. Apologies. Sweet night sounds. Support. Defense against enemies. Coos to grandchildren. Prayers to God. Defeat to cancer. In the end, our harmony was silenced. I miss that we could pick up a tune in the middle and go with it. Or that, we always knew what to say at the right time, in the right way, even when that was really hard to do.

The stage is mine for now, and I find I’m fumbling with the words and tune. Finding the right pitch of a person that COULD be an Old Friend, who might know just a little of the song and join in. So far, I find myself humming alone. Everything needs explanation. The tempo, timbre, texture and structure of my wants and needs in life. I, too, need to listen carefully for the notes and rhythm of theirs. Exhausting. Without VST, the silence helps me appreciate how blessed I was to have enjoyed my Old Friend for the lifetime we shared. It also makes me want that experience one more time in my life, because having Old Friends like that is something that makes life rich and worth living.

I pray each day that somewhere out there, there is an Old Friend having the same longings. That a duet waits. That hearts can indeed learn new musical genres and songs. VST always reminded me, “You can’t go nowhere on yesterday’s train”. Our song ended. Abruptly. Final notes harsh. Shrill. Quite final. New Old Friends will come around, maybe just to listen to the music for awhile.

God has me in the palm of his hand now, and someday, sooner than I would expect, I will be on my way to heaven’s gate. I know all my Old Friends will be waiting there for me. But, in my prayers, I ask that VST will be front and center, because, he is the Old Friend lost that I miss the most. We will be young again, not the way we had recently been, but the same Old Friends.

Today, call an Old Friend of yours. Really appreciate what an amazing thing friendship is. Tell them how much you love and cherish them in your life. Because, your voice is just what they long to hear more than anything else.

Not My First Rodeo, But, My Toughest Bull

Bull Riding is my favorite sport. Nothing feminine about it. Snorting, slobbering, cute cowboys, amazing animals at the height of their game. Danger, suspense, twisting, turning, and amazing aerials by all involved. Dealing with two complicated real estate transactions closing hours between each other was just as suspenseful. I just wish the ride had only lasted 8 seconds.

VST and I had decided in early January, 2020, that the time had come to sell the VC house. 3300 sq. ft. of beautiful. It had been an unloved and abused repossession when we bought it at a bargain basement price. We had a vision for restoring it to grandeur, and spent 6 years doing just that. Everything in the house was dialed in to perfection for us. Actually for anyone. By the time we decided to sell, there were only two more projects remaining. We needed to have a proper laundry room and one bedroom closet. In January, these were the last two design and building projects VST would accomplish in his life. They were perfection when finished in two weeks, just like all the other projects he had completed before. If you were not told, you would have thought the closet and laundry room were original, he was that good.

The house was barely listed when it sold. We had just decided to sell as we were driving home from lunch. We had spent the morning looking at some houses with a realtor, and found two that we really liked. The discussion on the way home was devoted to the pros and cons of moving, and we decided it was time for us to get off the mountain. The new realtor would be our agent. Within five minutes, my phone rang. It was another realtor we knew. Would we ever consider selling? He had a couple that loved our home. They both worked in VC. Would we, could we, might we sell? They wanted to see the house the next day. We listed. They came. They fell in love and offered. We accepted. All within hours of us deciding to leave. Just like that.

At the same time, VST was driving, worrying about the taxes, building and fixing things, calling me Darlin, and kissing me goodnight. We hadn’t found a new house yet, and had even taken an RV trip at the end of January to a town seven hours away, spending an entire day looking at ten possible choices. VST was himself, although tired and very swollen by the end of the day. He drove the rig to and from our destination, enjoying Willie’s Road House and the trip. He promised we would see the doctor about the troublesome swelling when we got home.

Finally, we found THE house for us. One hour from VC, a single story ranch home on one-half acre of beauty. Totally landscaped with paths and walkways through mature fruit and shade trees. A lush green lawn right out my kitchen window. Bird houses and plenty of birds to raise families in them. An RV barn, interior walls totally finished. A four car garage. Three bedrooms/2 baths. 1907 sq. ft. of beautiful, promising low maintenance allowing us to continue RVing. We both immediately felt at home and made an offer, which was accepted.

We had two realtors, a buyer, a seller, us, and more paperwork than you could imagine. Our VC home had never been part of our family trust. The trust needed to be domesticated in Nevada, and that was on our to-do list. So add an attorney and more paperwork to the mix. And, so the ride began. Cancer entered the mix about two weeks after the bucking bull left the shoot. We held on for dear life with both hands as our lives seemed to spin out of control.

Double inspections, repairs, re-inspections, requests from Title Companies, realtors, buyers, sellers, and escrow companies. Appointments with the lawyer. Endless signings, needed countless times. Cleanings, walk-throughs, plans for moving to and from. Canceling old services, and starting new ones. Hiring movers and choosing THE big day.

All while VST got sick, and sicker, and sicker, and died. In nine weeks from a word I couldn’t even pronounce in the beginning. Choalangiocarcinoma. Cancer of the Bile Ducts.

I entered the transactions with my husband. Joint Tenancy. Husband and Wife. All that goes with that. I closed both deals as a single woman selling and buying alone. All that goes with that. My realtors were stunned. Both seasoned and knowledgeable, neither had ever had a client die during a transaction. Let alone a healthy client that was thrown off his game and trampled to death by cancer. We all walked together through two months, holding each other and our breaths. Twists and turns. Changes in speed and direction. Covid complicating the entire ride.

Patiently, they helped me with emailed documents, when my computer wouldn’t agree to e-signings. They handled things from the sidelines that I am sure I am happier not knowing about. They made things happen that seemed impossible. They helped peel me off the ceiling on many days when I was ready to forget the entire thing. They listened and advised. They gave me the right amount of space and support. They were treading scary waters, as Covid was new. Risking their own health, they showed buyers our home and me my new home. They coordinated the ride, and made sure things closed within 24 hours of the sale and purchase.

I was alone when VST died. I had just checked on him and he was still hanging on. He was comfortable and quiet, and I left the room for just 5 minutes. When I came back, he was gone. The phone rang. I answered in a babbling, choking, wailing kind of way that was incoherent. My sweet realtor was on the other end, the first voice to say, “Calm down, I am so sorry, how can I help?” There was no help. We lost our balance. The bull won.

Think about all those professionals that took time to say, “Calm down. I am so sorry. How can I help?” I made of list of the most insignificant times that there was an angel in human form that made all the difference to me. Someone at the post office. The doctor’s office. A neighbor. And even a guy making me a Subway sandwich. I took the time to write them a Thank You, for comfort they gave while just doing their jobs. Not even knowing how much it meant to me. Do the same. It is a small part of our healing. Acknowledging the fans that cheered, held their breaths, and helped us get up and start our journey through widowhood. Hold on, its okay to use both hands, this is a tough bull to ride.

Please note– A special shout out to Penny Phillips from Coldwell Banker in Fernley, Nevada, and David Shriver from Coldwell Banker in Carson City, Nevada. You were both a Godsend to VST and me during our darkest hours. You lovingly helped me say Goodbye and Hello while carrying me through a horrible time. I love you both.

The Ice Chest On Mt. Davidson

Looking back on my planner for the week of April 20, I marvel at all the loose ends I had to tie up while selling/buying/packing/moving. With Covid raging in everyone’s mind, there were no casseroles and floral arrangements behind a ringing doorbell. There was me, a stunned woman in grief of the worst kind, putting on her boots every morning to get stuff done. Exactly what I did.

VST and I had a standing joke, more mine than his. I always felt I would reach for the door earlier than him and make my heavenly exit first. We shared many miles in the RV discussing this. We would argue about who would die first and why. It became competitive banter with humor, but, I did believe I would go first. I was the one that had more obvious emergency room visits due to a stupid Vaso Vagal reaction hitting me at the worst times. He had slow and quiet problems like crippling arthritis. So, in my mind, he would be the widower.

I counseled VST on this very topic. First bit of advice. Watch the arrival of the casserole dish. Some casseroles arrive in disposable containers, ripe for the tossing when the contents are gone. This type of person is really helpful, and knows that they will never see their dish again. A great friend to do this service. Practical and thoughtful. I counseled him to make a note, because washing and returning a casserole dish may be cumbersome during the first weeks as a new widower.

There are those that will deliver a casserole in their finest stoneware. Warning. Red Flag. Make note of this, too. How was the deliverer dressed? Speaking? Wiping lint off your three day old smelly tee? Cleavage exposed? Beware. This person is not expecting to ever forfeit this expensive dish. In fact, it is a place holder for a return visit. Warning. Beware. If the unexpected visit might be welcome, that’s one thing. But, the dish is a connection to the future. Just an observation from the past. If the phone number is written on the bottom with a smiley face and a heart….that should not go unnoticed.

We would laugh and one name would repeatedly come up. Don’t answer the door VST. Please. Just feign some horrible pandemic-y disease and hide under the covers. But, you open the door, it ‘s just like bed bugs. Hard to unring that bell, and you will never really get rid of the problem.

It had been twelve days since VST had died. His urn, which had to be just the right shade of blue with embellishments of pewter, sat in the bookcase. I had so many appointments that my head was swimming, and the phone rang. Friends of the best kind, soft, sweet, caring, and amazing cooks, were on the other end. What was my favorite meal? What could they bring to me? I had been running so many errands, rolling on and off the mountain, each trip to civilization costing me at least 30 minutes one way. Covid had closed all restaurants and emptied store shelves. Luckily, living in the wilderness and coming off winter, I was stocked, but the thought of a real home cooked meal brought tears to my eyes.

Spaghetti and meat balls. I guess if I was on death row, it would be a strange last meal. But, I had been craving S & MB for days, with french bread and garlic butter. Not even my favorite meal choice, but what I wanted more than anything on the morning of April 20th. In the midst of the chaos, Oliver had a vet’s appointment at noon, so off we went down the hill.

Two hours later, returning to the front door, I saw an strange and interesting item. There, sitting with a pot of pink tulips, was a brown metal, scuffed and very antique container. It was 1/2 the size of a banker’s box and 1960’s vintage. My friends had dropped off the meal! A real meal made with loving hands, that came from the dearest of angels. A care package had never been sweeter. Flowers, TOO!!!! Amazing, because with winter’s cloak still wrapped tightly around VC at 6200 ft., and my soul needed the powerful medicine of these blooms. Easter had come and gone, and these flowers stood as a reminder that I would bloom again, too, and spring was on the way.

After settling Oliver, I carefully took the ice chest to the kitchen to explore what was inside. Everything about the box was comforting. I’m pretty sure my Mom and Dad had one similar when I was growing up, taking it along on camping trips or outings to the beach. It was well used and packed with goodness only these two could have thought up. Inside was homemade sauce and meatballs with spaghetti noodles cooked just right. A small green salad with dressing on the side. Ciabatta roll, fresh and squishy. A hunk of garlic butter, wrapped in saran. Another saran of fresh Parmesan cheese. And a meal that would last a couple of settings. It was a feast that warmed me to my toes. I stood in my kitchen and cried the ugly cry thinking that this was, indeed, a meal that was made with the deepest kind of love. That from dear friends whose hearts were breaking for VST and I.

With each bite, I remembered all the times we had shared memorable Italian meals. So many different restaurants, with kids and without. At our own country kitchen at the ranch, with 5 kids running around asking for seconds. By candlelight, or off paper plates. I wished he was there to sing me “O Solo Mio” with his booming bass voice. An outside observer would see an old woman, eating Spaghetti and Meatballs through her tears. But, for me, it was a feast of memories with every bite, so comforting and warm.

Today, take inventory of those clean casserole dishes waiting to be returned. Think of the love and care that went into preparing food for you when all you could do was remember to breathe. Find the names on the bottom and call them. The best friends will come to retrieve them and sit with you for awhile. Savor the flavor of the bond you have with them and be grateful that you are loved that much. To my spaghetti toting friends, you know who you are. Your kindness that day was one that helped me stay afloat. Your friendship today is golden. I love you both.

NOTE. Please, please, please. If you are enjoying my writing, subscribe. There is a subscription link on the side of my blog. Also, be sure to read the other posts. The oldest is at the bottom. If you REALLY like my writing, please share my link. Thank you for reading my blog.

Hands

Hands connect us to one another in a unique and precious way. In VST’s last days, he chose to spend time on “the death couch” as he referred to it. He first recoiled at the thought of opening the hide-a-bed in the living room, but later, chose it often to rest next to me in the busy part of the house. He slept while I snapped this, or he would have protested that any part of our nightmare called cancer was documented in this way. Images have a way of returning us to captured moments. We were captured by the hell that is cancer.

My own hands are large, functional Germanic woman-hands. The kind that get things done. Size ten ring finger. Not a dainty, girly-girl digit in the bunch. They attempted to help me play piano when I was little, but constantly flew in directions not conducive to a beautiful melody. My mom was crushed. They also attempted to help me with guitar. They easily wrapped around the neck, depressing strings to make keys that hummed in a 1970’s kind of Glen Campbell way for a time.

Through the years, they held young lovers, wrote term papers, dialed phone numbers and twirled the cord late into the night. They pointed and shook at boys that needed to leave me alone, and beckoned those I wished didn’t. They raised Guide Dogs for the Blind, delivered brand new puppies into the world, trained dogs, and held their paws as they took their last breath. They irrigated grapes and helped shake them after they turned into raisins. They washed a squirmy grandson and splashed with him until we were showered with delightful fun in the bathroom. These days, they hold Oliver in the silent mornings when I wish VST was still here to share our morning coffee. They wipe my own tears and help me move on through this blog.

In the beginning of VST/Me, our hands were busy with life. Every aspect. Work, personal, spiritual, family, and educational growth. Through the years, VST used his massive mitts in the gentlest of ways. Holding a daughter’s precious hand at the country fair, leaving an imprint on her heart that warms her still today. His hands wielded wrenches, and twins, a boy and a girl, when he was 21. They held steering wheels, traveling millions of miles in his lifetime. They built houses, waterfalls, great walls, and our life together. They wrote his dissertation and earned him the loving title Doctor H. Later in life, they caused him intense and extreme pain with arthritis and paralysis.

When we were together, our hands were often intertwined. After decades of marriage, often on a trip to Lowe’s I would be in my own writer’s head. And there he would be, on a cold parking-lot morning at Lowe’s grabbing mine. People would smile at us in that way. How adorable, these two sage lovers. And that is what we were, even if we had just argued the whole way there about an insignificant topic of the day that found us at odds. I would feel his hand reach for mine, and I was home, wherever we found ourselves.

Hands held each other when he had no more strength to reach for me in the night. My hands helped him take morphine and other hideous drugs, less horrible than the cancer that robbed him from me. They wiped his brow when he was feverish. They helped him into the passenger side of the Jeep to travel to the doctor, when it was me that took the wheel while he slept. They put soft blankets around him when he suddenly found himself bone chillingly cold. And more than a few times, they shook at the heavens, questioning WHY.

Finally, in one last touch, it was my hand stroking his cheek that said Goodbye to him as he was making his final exit on that beautiful Virginia City morning. My hands cradled his urn and wondered how this all transpired in nine weeks.

Hands need to find each other and hold on. Touch is a precious sense that can speak louder than words at times. Caresses feed starved skin and comfort a bruised soul. Use your hands to produce acts of kindness. Wave. Open a door. Greet someone you haven’t seen for awhile in spite of Covid, or because of it. Clap for others. Journal your life. Connect with each other. Hold hands as you cross the street, and be so grateful that you have another’s hand, if only for a time.

Letting You Go

You saved me when I needed saving so badly.

You have been the one to hold me, to cheer me, to love me, to teach me.

You.

It was you from the first look.

It was you from the YES to your proposal.

And, it is you now.

I need to let you fly with the wind, with the angels, to the arms of God and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Please wait for me. Please be my guardian angel and help me across when my day comes.

Thank you, My Golden Friend, My Bold Lover.

My heart will beat to remind me I need to stay here a little while longer.

I will remember our sweet story, smile, and share it often.

Because you and I are, and always will be pure love. Period.

I say these things not knowing HOW I can let you go.

But

Knowing I must.

Take my love with you, and find me when I finish my time on earth.

I love you most…

Even though I know you love me more.

Your Darlin Forever, Mrs. H

JH April 6, 2020

Should. Shouldn’t. Why not? Maybe.

Navigating as a new widow, I find I am constantly being confronted with “Should/Shouldn’t” (S/S) information. The worst offender is my own brain. Having been the other half for so many years, decisions of the S/S kind were made together with thought and conversation. There were no judgmental rules for us to follow, but rather pragmatic discussions and decisions. In the last year of VST’s life, with cancer silently robbing me of him, “Maybe’s” were no longer considered. Many things that were, were no longer. “Wouldn’ts” were the norm. Our life was a black and white landscape of the KNOWN and SAFE.

VST was a cautious man. Thankfully, he was, because it has left me in a safe situation now. Without his planning, willpower, and Stay-The-Course attitude, never would I have been financially solvent and safe. I was always the one veering to the right or left, wanting to take the unmarked path to see what wonders were around the bend. VST, on the other hand, used Google maps and Garmin to be sure he was following the Right road to a Certain destination. Safe and sound we would arrive ahead of schedule, leaving me to wonder what really cool things we missed along the way.

Safety was always comforting to me. VST kept me safe through fires and my own medical issues. He always knew what we SHOULD do in any situation and why we Shouldn’t do anything other than that. He internalized his own conversations of WHY NOT and I was left with the final answer of how things would be best handled. My input was always factored in, and the whimsical thoughts of a fantastical writer were an amusement, but in the end, the practical side always won out with him. He ALWAYS knew just what to do, or at the very least, did a fine job faking it until things worked out.

On April 8th, my Garmin following Captain left on HIS new adventure, leaving me to stop and think about all the S/S decisions that faced me. In the middle of two complicated real estate transactions, while awaiting my husband’s cremation, I freaked out for a minute. The new home we had selected together was in another town, small and not much bigger than a truck stop. The town had no hospital. No major box stores except WalMart. It was on 1/2 acre with an RV barn. All more than I needed to think about in April. I began to question whether I SHOULD buy the house at all or choose another more sensible one closer to services.

After a frantic call to my realtor, and one more look at a golf-course home, small and safe on the fairway, I knew what I had to do. I had considered my first solo “Why Not/Maybe” and made a truly important decision for myself, on my own. The house we selected together would be mine. My roots were bound and waiting to sink into the lush green lawn and take hold. This little town was the right size for me to build a new life on the high desert. The Russian Sage and Rabbit Brush called my name, promising me their fragrance as I healed. The fruit trees would be in bloom soon, and I needed a season of growth and wonder more than I ever had in my entire life. I named my new home Winterpast, from the Song of Solomon 2:10-14.

“My beloved responded and said to me, Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come along. For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers have already appeared on the land; the time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. The fig tree had ripened its figs, and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance. Arise my darling, my beautiful one, And come along!”

In the last six months, this has been a comfort, because on more days than not, I am finding, indeed, my winter has past.

A hard and fast commonly accepted SHOULD NOT is that a newly widowed person should make NO big decisions in the first year. I blew that out of the water. With a major move involving the upheaval of my entire life to a new town, major financial decisions consolidating the estate, making choices of people that would become my new Old Friends, and making all this work while grieving became the WHY NOT? YES. I didn’t perish. In fact, I became the best version of myself that I have been in a very long time.

Grieving along the way, the S/S crowd weighed in on many issues, again, the inner me yelling the loudest. But, so far, I have listened to my rational side, and relied on the stability and friendship of our kids who have helped guide me through the worst nightmare I could have imagined. They console me, laugh about funny memories, and are rock solid in their support of me when I really needed to investigate a situation more. Their opinions create a soft place in which I can retreat and accept their ideas as my own. However, as I heal I need to forge many things and decide my own route, taking turns onto those unmarked paths to see what I missed along the way. They wait nervously, not unlike new parents watching children do things for the first time, as I take my first steps on this autumnal journey of mine.

I am in the land of MAYBE/WHY NOT at ever turn these days. I am finding that I am more cautious than I would have believed. But, the inquisitive and curious woman is awakening. That part of me has been dormant for decades and it is now time for me to play in the leaves while the breeze catches my hair just so. My days are shortening as morning retains its chill later and later. I need to live the best life of my own choosing. VST would expect no less from me, and I honor our life together by choosing happiness and life every day. I need this time to truly become the best version of myself. Freedom from the chains of SHOULD/SHOULDN’T will allow me to find the path just right for me.

Today, just for a little while, allow your mind to wander into the meadows of WHYNOT/MAYBE. Rest there for a time and dream of what might be around the corner. The new and untested experiences that await you. Although your spouse died, don’t let yourself become a casualty as well. No one really expects a widow in 2020 to sit under a black shroud for an eternity. If they do, it is only because they cannot fully understand our unique place called WIDOW’S GRIEF, which is entirely different for each of us. Merely rest here until you feel a need to grow, and then carry on, because God has amazing things planned for you just around the bend.

The Power of Words

Writing is life. Period. A student of mine, only 10 years old, wrote that on an assignment. It was her opening paragraph. She got an “A”. Without kind words, life would be in chaos and ruin. Hearts would never find each other. Miscommunications would flare and healing would never occur. How many new love stories are never written because one or the other involved couldn’t find the words to express their feelings? I am, of course, focusing on the positive aspects of words and writing, but, anyone who has known me more than five minutes knows optimism is a core character trait of mine.

When I found myself at the birth of my widowhood, there was nothing to hold onto anymore. Certainly not VST. Covid had robbed me of the chance to be with other newly widowed. All Grief support groups were cancelled. Friends were sheltered in place, holding onto each other for dear life. I was on A Street left to fend for myself, and so, I came up with a way words would help me heal. They became counselor, best friend, confidant, and voice, having been my life since I first learned to talk.

As I child, I raised myself. I have my own feelings about these things and how they happen. In some way, I chose that childhood because I was independent. Having farm freedoms let my brain develop in a little richer way. I spent long hours learning how to entertain myself. Learning how to soak into nature and communicate with the animals I loved so much. I learned what it is like to mud bathe in the middle of a 40 acre vineyard, the long tendrils surrounding me in the most heavenly way. When I was hungry, I could go out into the depths of the farm and find whatever snack I wanted. Nectarines, apples, grapes, bell peppers, cherry tomatoes, plums all ready for one “funny looking blondie”, as Dad called me, to pick. Dad was famous for his Elbow Peaches, so named because the juice would always run down our elbows as we slurped up every bite, fuzz and all, straight from the tree.

During those years of freedom, I found that no matter what happened around me, in words I found the ultimate comfort, and in that my voice. When loneliness spiked, I could write about it and suddenly gain a better understand myself. That has never changed for me.

In this new phase of my life, it came to me that I needed a focal point, just as I had in my Lamaze birthing classes. When the pain because too intense, I needed an anchor to get me through, and so, The Word Method became mine. Not any tested method, this one. I can only say, it helped me heal quicker than I might have. Without words, I surely would have faded away to nothing.

In this method, I decided that each month, one word would be selected to represent our marriage. During that month, when the grief gripped my very core threatening to disembowel me, I focused on that one word with a vengeance. Exactly as in birth, for me, the waves of grief were that. Unexpected and intense. Treacherous seas. I could be packing, organizing, arranging and, BAM, there it was. Grief with a vengeance. Changing my focus willfully to the word, I would start thinking of every way it represented us. I might cry a little more at some memories, but usually, I smiled, or even laughed. I was comforted by the multitude of ways it represented us, and I would feel better. I never ran out of examples. There were thousands for each.

There was a second component. VST and I never shared traditions. We are Christians and love Christmas, but as a couple, we never exchanged gifts. We found that as well as we knew each other, we would choose the wrong things, and end up standing in frustrating return lines. So, on the morning of Christmas Eve we would go select our presents together. Secretly, I longed for VST to have a hidden present somewhere, wrapped the way a husband would, maybe in purple birthday wrap with a wonky bow. But, that was never to be.

So , VST has been tricky and every month since his death, there is a Christmas present to me, wrapped with messages on the paper, and more importantly, representing the word of the month. Okay, for some of you, I need to spell this out. I have not lost my mind. Yes. I have purchased the presents for myself after VST’s death. Some are personalized and I have not yet seen them. They sit in my office reminding me that I love myself. A notice that there will be a first Widow Christmas that I’m dreading. I have now created the beginnings of a new tradition to honor our marriage.

Each month, along with the word and present, I’ll create an ornament for my tree representing the special word for that month. It doesn’t have to be museum quality. Just something that would be a message that 32 years of life with VST did happen. It was rich and wonderful, reflected by the relationship we created. Perfect???? No such thing. A perfect example of an honest union of the two of us? You betcha.

The ornaments have been a snag, because to me, they will be the tangible proof that I am ready to memorialize that month and put a period on those memories. Those days will always be cherished, but not dwelt upon. I have given myself until December 16th, my birthday, to finish them. I will be creating a keepsake box for them, and plan to continue this personal tradition until I die, with notes to the kids of why each design was chosen. Because there are thousands of words and memories, I will never be at a loss for stories, smiles, and laughs for the most beautiful time in my life. And for that, I cherish VST even more.

Think of the words that hold meaning for you. You already know my first three were Food. Shelter. Clothing. from my first blog. Month 2 was FRIENDSHIP. Month 3 was LOVE-EVERLASTING. Month 4 was ADVENTURE. Month 5 was FAITH. And Month 6 is HAPPINESS. You will have words that fit your love story, I’m sure. When grief is overwhelming, take a break. Use your words. They are powerful and uplifting.

Today, spend time with memories in a different way. Choose happiness. It is a choice that you can make. Take just a moment to let out one smile as you think about the special moments that took your breath away. Soak in the loveliness that brought you excitement and tenderness. Be grateful for the love you shared. Use your words to stay afloat. Pretty soon, those same words will help you soar, if only for a moment at a time.

September 27, 2020

April 10th, the house woke me with its deafening silence. Every creak, moan, and spring wind blown comprised a cacophonous sound mourning VST’s passing. For the house had responded to his every touch, just as I had. Physical beauty surrounded me. His taste in domestic design and improvements was surpassed by no one. Standing as a testament to his skills, the house and I grieved in unison while she surrounded me like a warm hug.

By the time I got my coffee that morning, VST would have been on the move, walking the streets of VC. His power walk always started the same. He suffered from crippling arthritis, which made it necessary for him to wear heavy knee braces. Those in place, next came his white cowboy hat, jacket, and cane. VST was known throughout the town as the guy with the braces, walking on through heat, bitter cold, rain, hail, or snow. The Bionic Cowboy of Virginia City.

VST held a demanding presence with his striking good looks, debonair southern drawl, deep voice, as smooth as a fine cognac, and dimpled smile. At 6’1″, he drew looks from the ladies wherever he went. But, those looks were not returned, for I was his Forever Darlin. Plain and Simple. His friendly nature often lengthened his walks down the C Street Boardwalk. His best days involved meeting the Sheriff, after which he would come home and remind me that if I had been with him, I would have been that lucky, too.

VST was legally disabled and had been declared so for the last three years of his life. Yet, he walked four miles each and every day until a few weeks before he died. At 65, I never could consider him disabled, because of all the activities he enjoyed. But, x-ray images and doctor’s reports, and a paralyzed hand don’t lie. He powered on when others would have been on crutches recovering from knee surgery. He had no time for anything like that. He was already down the road. He was just like that. Stubborn. Tougher than nails. Tenacious. Weathered. Rock Solid. And now, gone.

The night before, I had sat stunned in his worn, leather recliner, contemplating what my future would hold. Rather like a deer, startled while grazing, I sat motionless, listening to my own heartbeat. Feeling the oddity of tears streaming down my face, I was silently grieving, staring at the wall instead of our panoramic vista. A poster girl for all the symptoms of severe shock. It was then that one of many miracles took place. Huddled in my favorite blanket, embracing tears and feelings, I realized it had been some time since I checked my emails. My pad glowed to life, showing a list of mail I would rather not open after 5pm. Medical test results from the Monday past, when I still had VST. Death related questions from the Mortuary. Condolences from people just hearing the unthinkable. All those could wait until morning.

But, there in the queue, was one email that caught my eye. It was from my teacher-friends from so long ago, when I was a younger, vibrant person, loving a healthy career and farming. Our own children growing towards adulthood. VST and I sharing all the sparks, fire, intensity, and love that our relationship held from the first HELLO. There it was , begging to be opened. The email from my Old Friends. With heart racing, I tried to digest what it said. “April 10th at 4PM, join us for a ZOOM meeting. It has been too long. We all need to touch base. Please come. Just like that, I reconnected with something concrete and all mine. They had no idea VST had passed. It had been at ten years since we had been together. A happy accident of the most serendipitous type.

The morning of the 10th was full of chores, big and small. Conquering the laundry. Emptying medicine cabinets. Packing boxes. Crying. Wiping tears. Driving back and forth to the storage area. Checking numerous emails from realtors on both sides of my life. The sale of the VC house, the purchase of the New House. Sending emails to those that didn’t know he had gone so quietly, and receiving emails from those that just found out he did. I just stayed the course. I wrote goals in my planner. Completed them. Chose three more and continued. I took time for a nap.

Finally, it was 4pm. The computer screen slowly filled up with boxes holding images of cherished teaching buddies. One by one, they clicked to life. Everyone excited and chatting at once. All looking older, but just the same. Their shock and sadness reflected from the screen, for VST and I were the couple that had it all, often excluding others to get everything done. How many times I had to forego fun outings with these friends because I had to irrigate, fix dinner for seven, or shake raisins. They never knew how many days I came to school after a rain, having been up all night crying because our crop might have been ruined by the very rainstorms they were celebrating. They couldn’t know at what a price VST and I bartered for our privileged life. It didn’t matter anyway.

They were cyber beauties. For an hour, we laughed. We adjusted our cameras to the right angle and light, maximizing our best attributes. We laughed more. We shared moments of silence. It was magical. I had a glimpse of a regular Friday afternoon with friends that had known me for decades of my adult life. How they sent that email at exactly the right time will be a puzzlement to me forever. Happenings like this I refer to as “God Things”.

“God Things” are around everyone. It depends on whether people choose to recognize them. For me, I know that God carried me through the fires of those first hours, days, weeks, and months, making sure I wasn’t burned. Not even. He gave me strength and protected my back from injury even when I knew the boxes I hoisted were way too heavy under the state of exhaustion I was in. He kept those who would have taken advantage away from my door. He brought me those friends that were the best comfort to me. Through my faith in God, I became stronger than the grief consuming me.

As you are grieving, remember to look for the beauty and miracles that surround you even in the darkest hours, asking God to carry you through the fire. He will. He will bring you peace and allow sleep to come, as he wraps you with the wings of millions of angels. I know he will, because, he did this for me.

September 25, 2020

Grief. Truly, I had never given grieving a single thought before VST passed. Sure, I had lost my parents, a sister, family, and friends throughout my life, but never did I consider the impact that grief has on a spouse. This is different in every respect I can think of. At least, it has been for me.

VST and I had the kind of marriage that might drive some people mad. We really liked each other, and for the last three years of retirement, we were inseparable. We had purchased an investment property in VC, and spent 6 years renovating and decorating this 3,300 sq.ft. home. This involved time shopping for supplies, grabbing occasional meals while doing this, visiting in the car for the 30 minute ride each way, planning, executing plans, and collaborating, all while loving and respecting one another.

We met in 1970 in high school choir. He was the handsome football jock that would come in after his PE shower, his hair slightly curled and still damp. He had dimples of the most adorable kind and a bass voice that was needed in any musical setting. Everyone loved VST. His team mates. The other students. And me, in a very innocent, friendly way. We were friends for 2.5 years and then went our separate ways.

In 1987, we met again at our highschool reunion. 14 years for me, 15 years for him. Neither of us were anything other than irritated at being there. We had both decided we would be single forever, owning our own homes and cars, and having our own children. No need to complicate anything. About three weeks after that meeting, he found himself proposing. I found myself saying yes. And from them on, VST&Joy was almost one word.

We had a life that was beautiful and overflowing with blessings. You can tell by my pictures and posts. It was a lovely marriage with the right balance. You often don’t hear of those types of marriages. Maybe you were lucky enough to have had that, too. So, when I lost VST, the oxygen was sucked out of my world and the first two months were filled with shock. Along with shock, I was extremely isolated due to Covid.

Covid. I missed all the impending doom provided by the daily news reports. When VST fell the slightest bit ill, the first 90 deaths were reported. The day he died, the death toll had reach 20,000. I had missed all information about Covid while caring for VST and still find it hard to believe that the pandemic hit and I missed every major news story regarding those first horrifying and scary days.

I hope that psychologists study Grief in the time of Covid. I refer to mine as Grief on Steroids. Being retired, I was already alone. Living in VC, away from the kids and old friends, suddenly, for the first time in my life, I was living alone. Truly alone. Grieving was a 24/7 ordeal, non-stop and brutal.

Another huge complication had been put into play some weeks before VST died. In January, he was still feeling okay. A little under the weather, but certainly nothing we viewed as shattering at that time. It had been getting tougher for him to navigate stairs, due to crippling arthritis, so, we decided it was time to sell our home and buy something off the mountain. We had looked everywhere, and found our new home 50 miles East. Buyers made an offer we accepted and Seller accepted ours. During the nine weeks VST was dying, we were in the middle of two very complicated real estate transactions. It had also become necessary to update our Family Trust, Wills, Power of Attorney docs, and Medical directives. We did all that while dealing with medical care during Covid.

Professionals advise against major decisions after a death. In my case, there was no choice. Weeks before, things had been put in motion by the two of us. Together. We chose the new place with us in mind. We were packing. I packed the day after he died. And the next day and the next. Not that I chose to. There was no choice.

As I criedpackedcriedpacked, I felt like I was in a foggy bubble. I knew people outside the bubble were carrying on with the new-normal lives during Covid. I, on the other hand, was suspended on the side of my mountain, and cut off from the rest of the world. No casseroles came. No preacher came knocking. No neighbors to help walk the dog. No One At All. Just me. Covid removed all help I could have received. There were no grief groups offered. The Senior Center and restaurants closed, taking away any quick nutrition. Impossible to get an appointment with a doctor for counseling or medication. Stores were shuttered. Even the kennel to help with Oliver, my sweet puppy, was closed. And there I was, alone and grieving.

The first problem was that in only fifteen days, I would be moving. I needed to make a tough decision. Would I pay for all clothing to be moved or not? I knew the answer. Anything that was not necessary would not make the cut. And, through tears and grief I needed to do what had to be done. New jeans, still tagged, new shoes still in boxes, favorite old, torn pj’s that should have been thrown years before. Go-to clothes, and things not warn too often, were all reduced to weight and number of extra boxes for the movers. This was complicated by the fact that all thrift stores were shuttered. Which left only one option. Many excruciatingly sad trips to the landfill off the mountain and miles away.

In my grief, during those days, I needed to handle and make decisions on every single object that signified our 32 years together. Even the tiniest item brought tears, memories, and pain. But, everything had to be boxed. And, I accomplished that. In those 15 days, I managed to pack and move the balance of what would end of being 350 boxes. I moved them off the mountain to storage, which VST and I had rented in January before he got sick. Box after box went down the hill, while I cried each trip.

In my grief, I began talking to VST. A little at first, and then non-stop. I told him the littlest things, and major things, too. I listened for his advice and help. He was there. Oliver knew this, too. Through my one sided conversations, I felt a relief that even more of our lives were put right. Every marriage has rocky times. There are always things not owned or apologized for. Things one wishes they had one more chance to say. We were no different. I talked to him all day, every day. I asked him to tuck his angel wings around Ollie and I at night so we could sleep better. I know he was there to comfort me. Thanks to Covid, it was quiet enough for me to experience that.

People suggest one should journal. It was all I could do during that first month to jot things on my daily planner. People suggest one should sleep enough. It was a blessing that I slept well in the arms of God. People suggest one should learn the stages of grief and embrace them. For me, it was more important that I listened to my inner self, which helped guide me in the ways I needed. I was my own wise voice that listened to my grief, acknowledged it, and accepted it as my truth then. Not a reality forever.

It also helped that I lived in the moment and felt everything that was happening to my body and soul right then. I prayed often. When I needed to cry, I did. When I needed to laugh, I did that too. Memories were a double edged sword. Sometimes comforting. Sometimes cutting so deep that I thought my entrails would surely tumble onto the floor. I ate when I was the least bit hungry, and didn’t eat when my stomach was upset. All this in a Covid Shroud. For me, I preferred it that way, as no one had to see the carnage left by VST’s death. Just Oliver, me, VST, and God.

In your grief today, hug yourself. In quiet moments, reassure yourself that YOU are enough and okay. You’ve got this, it just SEEMS impossible. Hug yourself. Talk to your loved one. Smile, even if it is just a little, at first. Each day will be better than the last on this journey you are taking through grief.

The Beginning -Revisited

We were so busy living, it was easy enough to ignore all the warning signs. There were so many. Few of us really believe that death could be at our door. So many times, we have all ignored symptoms believing they held no significance. We did just that. Boy, were we wrong. After a nine week battle, I was left the lone survivor on a spring Wednesday between Palm Sunday and MaundyThursday.

VST was attacked by Cholangiocarcinoma, a rare type of cancer that forms in the bile ducts. It was aggressive, lethal, and quick. It stole his energy, strength, resolve, and finally, his brain. In the age of Covid, in my town anyway, medical treatments were being authorized by a panel of docs at the hospital. Each test needed to be approved, wasting valuable days as VST got sicker and sicker. Being the lone caretaker and hospice attendant, I found myself nursing my husband, while trying to wrap my head around the fact that he wouldn’t share another Easter meal with me.

The idea of hospice service is romantic and wonderful. The company we used was made of a group of earth angels, with a few limitations. It was a wonderful place to get all kinds of helpful drugs. Morphine, Lorazapam, Haldol, and others. Marvelous place to get supplies like diapers, wipes, syringes, gloves, and swabs for dry, cracked lips. Because we were living in a remote area, actual physical help wasn’t available. In reality, we didn’t want strangers interrupting our last and most intimate hours together. So, we went through it alone. VST didn’t make it until Easter, but left me shortly before. Bereft, Deprived. Cut off. Dispossessed. Forlorn. Wanting. Stripped. I began my grieving process.

VST died on a Wednesday morning at 10:30. His death certificate states he died at 11:15. It lies. I was there, alone. I was the one that watched him take his last breath and slowly slip away, while our beloved kids were out on some errands. I assure you, it was 10:30. The sounds my body made that morning were shocking to me. Rather like those that a woman might make during the last stages of labor. Primal and shriek-ish. Raw and from a place I didn’t know existed in me. I was so glad the kids were out of the house. Even though it is known that a loved one is going to die, no one is ready for the moment they really do. At least, I wasn’t.

In our small county, with no coroner, the Sheriff was needed to pronounce VST deceased. Moments after his death, I phoned their office to ask if the real Sheriff would come, instead of a deputy. VST had made friends with him over our six year stay, and it would be a huge comfort to me. I was told he was in a meeting, but a deputy would be dispatched. But, in eight minutes, the Sheriff arrived with hugs and a listening ear. He visited VST one last time, and comforted me in my very first hour of grief, for which I was so grateful.

A long list of players filled out my first day as a widow. A hospice nurse to neutralize the drugs. The Sheriff. The Deputy Sheriff. The Mortuary Assistants. The kids. The medical equipment personal. Until finally, evening arrived. The house was quiet. The kids and I were in shock. Our bedroom, where VST had requested his hospital bed be placed only seven days before, was returned to normal without any signs of the nightmare the last week held. Without a trace of him, of us. Just a pretty room with all furniture put back in perfect order.

In the cold void of death, the kids left the next morning, needing to get back to their lives six hours away. I was alone of the first real day of widowhood. Alone at 6,200 feet, on Mt. Davidson, suspended above Virginia City, looking out into the nothingness of my 100 mile view. The vista, once magical and romantic, was now daunting for a wife that had been so intertwined with her other half that she knew not where he stopped and she began.

It came to me that I needed to have an immediate life raft, and so I turned to the consistently comforting thing that had been there through my entire life. Words. I chose three to symbolize the first month.

Food. Shelter. Clothing.

Those words would get me to focus through Month One. For, if I focused on Food. Shelter. Clothing. I wouldn’t die in the cold, starving because I had forgotten to eat and gone out to get the mail naked. I took myself in my own arms and gave prayers for the woman I lost that day. I rocked the remaining shell and held her in the gentlest way, listening to the wails and sobs late into that first night of widowhood.

This is my story. Everyone reading here has a story just as grueling, exasperating, and horrifying. As widows, we enter a wilderness that no one has really explained or mapped for us. Each person sees the landscape differently, and must find a way through that is hers and hers alone. I found that, at first, I kept a daily planner, where I could jot down the simplest things I did. I made sure I completed three tasks a day, writing them down. I rely on that now to remember how strong I was in those early days. You are just as strong.

It is a comfort to know that I didn’t starve in the nighttime cold of Virginia City, while walking hungry and naked to get the mail. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t, I assure you.