Grieving Gardener

Due to an extreme crash, Grievinggardener.com will be offline for at least one week.

Please feel free to read the archives. I’m so sorry to disappoint.

Joy

Seventeen days after I became a widow, I stood by the pantry of a house I did not yet know, clutching one small dog and a ring of unfamiliar keys. Oliver trembled against my chest while I was doing my best not to. The world outside had shut its doors.

In April 2020 the world was terrorized by something we couldn’t even see. Covid19. The front porches of my new neighbors were empty. Church buildings were shuttered tight. Even the grocery store felt like a foreign country with arrows showing shoppers which way they needed to roll their carts. I knew only two people in town, and by the end of that summer, one of them would be gone.

Grief is accompanied by a peculiar fog following you everywhere. It sits across the table. It lies down beside you at night. And yet, somehow, in the middle of that intense fog, I managed to unlock the front door of Winterpast and step inside.

I didn’t feel brave, but rather intensely terrified. But, sometimes, bravery is simply showing up with a little dog and a ring of keys to enter a new chapter in life. Winterpast never wavered.

Winterpast sits on half an acre of intensely planted land, developed over twenty-two years by careful, loving hands. The soil, if you can coax desert ground into being called soil, had been amended and turned and planted and tended by gardeners who believed in beauty. Apricot trees stretch toward the Nevada sky. Crab apples prepare their spring confetti. Roses stand like sentinels along pathways. Even in my grief, I could see that this place had thrived with the devotion of Master Gardeners. We were simply the latest crew to arrive.

In those early weeks, I moved slowly. Empty one box. Fill one drawer. One day at a time. I began attending church in faith, even though I’d lost my way. I studied the Bible because I needed something solid beneath my feet. I started to write because words were the only way I could untangle the ache inside my chest. And so slowly I almost missed it, I began to heal. Winterpast helped.

In those first lonely months, I would walk the property with Oliver at my heels. We studied the empty beds. We counted new buds while listening to the wind. There’s something about tending living things that steadies a broken heart. You water. You prune. You wait. You trust that what looks dormant is not dead. Faith works the same way.

She’s more than a house. Solid and beautiful, she’s a quiet companion who doesn’t rush things. She doesn’t demand, but shelters. On windy high-desert afternoons when gusts rattle everything loose, she stands firm. When snow presses softly against the windows, she wraps us in warmth. When sunshine reflects gold across the branches of the Russian Olive, she opens her arms to light. She became my friend when I had none.

I didn’t know then what God was rebuilding inside me. I only knew how to take the next small step. Show up at church. Open the Bible. Write one paragraph. Plant one bulb. Wave at one neighbor. Simply begin again. Winterpast held me as I healed as the fog lifted.

Love returned in a form I didn’t expect. HHH walked through the doors that once felt so heavy to open. Laughter found its way back into the kitchen. The dogs multiplied and claimed their schedules and cheese rations. The pantry where I once stood trembling now holds groceries, jokes, and the hum of an ordinary Monday. Winterpast made room for all of it.

She is a protector and witness. She saw the tears. She hears our prayers. She has absorbed the whispered conversations at midnight and the grateful ones at dawn. Solid and steady, she makes sure HHH and I have a warm and snuggly place to call home. But more than that, she reminds me that beginnings can grow out of endings. Winterpast flourished long before we came and will flourish long after we’re gone. We’re simply caretakers in her long story. What a blessing it is to care for something that, in the past, cared for me.

Today, the desert is ready for spring, as the apricot tree stands quiet. Dawn’s early light glows warm against the Russian Olive. HHH is enjoying his coffee, the dogs are fed, and the keys hang easily on their hook.

The winter has passed. The rains are over and gone. The seedlings are sprouting on the table, and I am truly grateful to live in a place we call Winterpast.

Have a great day.

There are weeks when I feel as though I have been chasing small questions across the desert wind. The only one that seems to have answers for me is ChatGPT.

Why is my phone showing news from three months ago?
Can I edit a post from 2020 without rearranging time itself?
What exactly is the best flagpole for a front yard that faces the Zephyr winds of the high desert plains of northwestern Nevada?

Some weeks are not dramatic. They are simply full of details. Tax papers. Organizing materials in the NOK (Next-Of-Kin) box. Preparing documents for the notary. Meeting with the financial planner. Small projects that take organizational skills to conquer. Hours of meetings with ChatGPT to find out we did everything just right after all.

And yet.

Out the window at Winterpast, nothing appears concerned.

The apricot tree does not fret over formatting. Its branches stretch confidently toward the pale high-desert sky, holding the faint promise of spring in tight little buds. It has survived windstorms, pruning days with our trusted Tree Doctor, and summers hot enough to make even mustangs seek shade. It doesn’t panic as it waits.

Oliver and Wookie certainly do not panic.

At 5:00 a.m. sharp, they present themselves for freshly shredded cheese as though the entire economy of the world depends upon it. Breakfast is not optional. Dinner at 4:00 p.m. is not theoretical. Their confidence in the structure of life is astonishing. They never once ask whether the internet is working or if the archives are in chronological order but simply trust that breakfast will arrive.

There is something instructive about that.

This week I’ve been revisiting old posts from 2020. Touching words written in a different season of my life. With gentle editing and a sentence adjustment here or there, I’m discovering that I can polish the past, but I cannot relive it. The dates remain. The story stands. Time moves forward.

Winterpast understands this better than I do.

The decomposed granite paths stay put even when the dogs kick gravel into next Tuesday. The desert wind sweeps through whether I have solved my latest technology riddle or not. The sky over Northwestern Nevada shifts from silver morning to cobalt afternoon without waiting for my permission.

After six years of daily blogging, I sometimes think inspiration must arrive dressed in fireworks. But perhaps steadiness is the greater miracle. Showing up and writing anyway, while organizing years of memories so someone can begin at the beginning. Trusting that even quiet weeks are part of the whole.

All the while, Winterpast never panics. It endures winter, leans into spring, and endures the wind. And maybe that’s the lesson on this beautiful Friday morning.

Life doesn’t need to be extraordinary to be meaningful. The ordinary, wind-touched, cheese-at-dawn chapters are where faith is practiced quietly and love deepens without spectacle.

Winterpast is not in a hurry.

And maybe I don’t have to be either.

I’ll be back Monday. Have a great weekend.

There are people who journal.

There are people who post occasionally.

And then there are those of us who write because we must.

For me, writing isn’t a hobby or content creation. It is not a marketing strategy, though I’m learning about those things, too. Writing is life. It is breath. It is how I make sense of this wild and beautiful stretch of years I’ve been given.

Winterpast is more than a house on the high desert plains of Nevada. She’s a witness. As the wind rattles the fences, trapping leaves along the greenhouse, and the mustangs wander too close, these things all find their way into words before the day is done. If I don’t write them down, it would be as if they never happened, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.

When I was widowed in 2020, the page became my steady companion. There were mornings as grief sat heavy at my desk, with Oliver snoring softly at my feet, that Winterpast was quiet in a way that felt permanent. And yet, when I wrote, something shifted. Pain didn’t vanish, but it became named and contained. Words gave structure to extreme sorrow.

Over time, the story changed. Healing tiptoed in. With remarriage, I began a second chapter I didn’t see coming. Through it all, the writing remained, recording a broken widow and a grateful wife. The weary days and the hopeful ones. The gardens planted in faith and the storms that came and went. Writing keeps me awake to my own life.

When HHH and I travel, whether it’s Yellowstone skies, a Panama sunrise, or simply driving the long way home along the Eastern Sierras to avoid a raging storm, I don’t just experience the moment. I am noticing it while tucking away phrases and listening for meaning in the ordinary. The private breakfast on a balcony during the transit through the Panama Canal or the near silence of snow in our own backyard. These aren’t just memories, but paragraphs waiting to be written. The smallest things matter, and each detail, when written, becomes sacred in its own way. Writing slows me down enough to see.

I have learned more in six years of daily blogging than I did in decades of casual reflection. I’ve learned that faith woven into ordinary life is the richest theme I know. That humor softens hard seasons and readers are drawn not to perfection, but to honesty. Perhaps most of all, I’ve learned that writing is how I participate in gratitude.

To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.
To write about that garden is to remember why.

Some days, the page feels full before I even begin. Other days it sits blank and expectant. But I show up anyway, because life keeps happening. If I am paying attention, there is always something to say.

Writing is how I mark the passing of seasons.
Writing is how I honor the people I care about.
Writing is how I trace the arc from loss to love.
Writing is how I remember that even in winter, something is stirring just beneath the surface.

Words have carried me through storms, across deserts, over mountain passes, and into second chances. Writing is not separate from my life. Writing IS life.

There are dogs. And then there are our dogs. Oliver and Wookie do not simply “live” at Winterpast. Every day, they hold court and call all the shots as only our beloved pets can do. The title of this post holds the real question. Just WHO are the PETS??

Their day begins promptly at 5:00 am Not 5:07 or whenever the “pets” feel like it.

Five.

On.

The.

Dot.

It begins with a small scratch on their bedroom (laundry room during the day) door. Then a plaintive whine. Like Chinese water torture, it doesn’t stop until one of us gets up to let them out. Between those two, an alarm clock is unnecessary because they never oversleep.

Breakfast is served immediately upon royal request. Not kibble alone, but a little freshly shredded cheese atop their food. While waiting for their morning meal, they wait, seated and quivering, as if watching a five-star chef complete a masterpiece. It’s perhaps the only household in America where two small dogs eat more promptly than the adults.

By 6:00 am, they have completed breakfast, perimeter inspection of the yard, and at least one supervisory lap through the house to ensure we are performing our duties correctly.

Their soft beds hold carefully arranged blankets. The water bowl is refreshed with the kind of attention usually reserved for houseplants and small royalty. We ARE permitted to use the washer and dryer during the day provided we do not disturb their nap schedules.

At precisely 3:00 pm, snack time is non-negotiable. If we’re distracted, a polite reminder is issued. If that fails, a slightly less polite reminder follows. One stands very still and stares while the other might pounce, both remarkably effective.

Dinner is delivered at 4:00 pm sharp. The punctuality of this household revolves entirely around two furry stomachs.

To her credit, Wookie has started paying attention to our friend, the squirrel. When seen, she flies out of the house to chase him over the fence. She’ll never catch him, but it makes both of us feel a little better that she can at least do something during the day.

When the sun shines, they burst into the yard like Olympians released onto the field. Racing. Twisting. Barking at imaginary adversaries. The decomposed granite paths of Winterpast tremble beneath their enthusiasm as rocks and bark fly everywhere.

When it’s 19 degrees outside, however, their athletic ambitions dissappear and they relocate to the couch. Occasionally, one eye opens to confirm that we’re still present and available for tummy rubs or other demands.

Puppy camp remains their social scene. They return exhausted, happy, and slightly opinionated about the behavior of others. I suspect they believe they are ambassadors of refinement.

The truth is, these two have it all. Structured meal plans. Climate-controlled housing. A private retreat room. Outdoor recreation. Day spa-level boarding experiences. A full-time staff of two. And love. So much love.

We talk about them more than is reasonable. We laugh at them more than is polite. We schedule around them more than is practical. They are woven into the rhythm of Winterpast as surely as the seasons and the birds and the wind that sweeps across the high desert.

Oliver and Wookie may be the most pampered pets in the world, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

We love them.

It’s just that simple.

Every so often, even the most majestic specimen in the garden must face the inevitable haircut. This is the year for our banyan-like apricot tree. The birds hold conventions in it as we all consider it shade headquarters. If left unchecked, its lengthy branches were at risk of snapping in the spring winds or due to a heavy crop. Every tree professional who has entered our yard has proclaimed this tree to be an amazing specimen. She’s become our “Bark-Baby”.

As the focal point of the yard here at Winterpast, it’s not something we approached lightly with a pair of Christmas nippers and good intentions. This tree requires strategy, equipment, insurance, and possibly a helmet.

While it’s true that HHH and I own ladders and pruning tools, and we’ve watched videos, we’re also fond of our current level of mobility. There comes a time in responsible homeownership when you ask yourself, “Is this a DIY project… or a hospital co-pay?”

The answer came quickly.

So we summoned our tried-and-true Tree Doctor, Robert, the man who has saved our beloved Russian Olive from certain decline. With assessment, trimming, and nurturing the tree lived to sway another day. Since then, he’s become “our guy.”

An apricot of this magnitude requires more than enthusiasm. It requires someone who understands how to open the canopy for sunlight, how to remove crossing branches, improve airflow, and keep fruit production strong without stripping its dignity.

Professional arborists know things the rest of us guess at:

• Which limbs are structurally unsound
• How much to remove without shocking the tree
• Where to cut so the tree heals properly
• How to prevent disease from entering open wounds
• How to shape growth for future strength
• And most importantly, how to get down from high places without drama

They know all that AND haul away debris.

Have you ever seen the aftermath of major pruning? It looks like a small tornado has thoughtfully organized your branches into piles. There are twigs, limbs, and entire sections that seem large enough to qualify as furniture. If HHH and I attempted this ourselves, we would still be dragging brush to the landfill sometime in July. Heck, by then, we’ll have completed a couple more cruises, which are much more fun than hauling limbs and leaves.

And let’s not forget safety. Large fruit trees can have heavy limbs under tension. One wrong cut and you’re reenacting a scene from an action movie, minus the stunt double. Professionals are trained in proper rigging, ladder positioning, and safe cutting angles. They carry the right equipment and, importantly, the right insurance. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing.

When the crew of six arrived, they walked around the trees with the quiet focus of surgeons preparing for a delicate procedure. They studied the canopy, tilting their heads, while making small nods. Our only request was that we wouldn’t need to wait ten years for the tree to return to its majestic stature.

Soon, branches began to descend in a controlled and dignified manner. Light filtered through spaces that hadn’t seen sunshine in years as the balanced shape of the tree slowly emerged. Strategic pruning isn’t about shrinking a tree, but renewing it.

By the time the crew finished, the yard looked brighter and lighter. The apricot stood dignified rather than unruly. It now commands attention with elegance instead of chaos. Six other fruit trees were groomed, as well.

And best of all? No emergency room visits, loads of brush, or marital debates atop a ladder. Just healthy trees and the comforting knowledge that sometimes the wisest gardener knows when to step aside. The apricot of Winterpast breathes a little easier tonight and so do we.

After a week on the Central Coast of California, where the air smells faintly of salt and possibility, and the biggest choice of the day was whether to enjoy clam chowder or fish and chips. Visits with my Godmother AND the TRUE Goddess of the Central Coast enriched our time.

All wonderful until HHH and I found ourselves facing a far more serious question. Just how, exactly, were we going to get home? In spite of enjoying balmy high desert days before we left, winter isn’t through with us. We faced two choices.

Choice #1 included braving Donner Pass in the middle of what the weather app politely described as “a significant weather event,” and what the news described as “closures and delays”. Donner is shorter, faster, and more direct. In good weather, it’s almost pleasant. But, this wasn’t good weather. Just two days before, the world lost nine lovely souls who perished in an avalanche. And then, we all remember what happened in 1846.

Choice #2 found us driving south and then east over Tehachapi Pass, and then making our way north along the longer, quieter, and gentler Eastern Sierras route. Less dramatic, we’d be the heroes in our own survival documentary.

After a week of rest, relaxation, and watching Olympic athletes do daring things at high speeds, we felt we had already met our quota for adrenaline. The choice was easy.

We packed up, and settled in for what turned out to be nearly ten hours of winter watching.

The Eastern Sierras have a way of making you feel small in the best possible way below snow-draped peaks and long stretches of open highway. Occasional gusts of wind gently nudged our vehicle just enough to remind us who was actually in charge. We drove past ranches dusted in white, frozen creeks glinting in the pale sun, and stretches of highway that seemed to go on forever.

Was it longer? Yes.

Was it slower? Also yes.

Was it peaceful knowing the interstate wasn’t closing ahead of us like a zipper? Absolutely.

There’s something about winter travel that turns even the most carefree among us into cautious planners. Before leaving the coast, we made sure our tank was full. We checked road conditions repeatedly. We told others our route and expected arrival time. It’s not dramatic—it’s just wise.

If you’re traveling in severe weather, here’s what belongs in your vehicle (besides optimism and snacks):

• A full tank of gas (half a tank is not a plan)
• Water and non-perishable food
• Blankets or sleeping bags
• Warm gloves, hats, and extra layers
• A flashlight with fresh batteries
• Phone charger (car and portable battery)
• Small shovel and ice scraper
• Tire chains if required
• Basic first aid kit
• A Bible

We didn’t need most of it, which is precisely the point. Preparedness is rarely glamorous. It’s just comforting and very smart, because you just never know.

Leaving the beautiful Pacific, the miles stretched on for almost ten hours until finally pulling into our own driveway. There, we were greeted by more snow than we’d seen the entire day. After all that careful driving, it followed us home. As the snow fell gently across Winterpast, I was reminded that storms aren’t something to conquer. They’re something to respect.

Travel has a way of teaching small lessons. This one was simple: shorter isn’t always wiser. Dramatic isn’t always necessary. Sometimes the long road is safest and safety is beautiful.

There comes a point when resting matters as much as staying curious.

No doubt, new ideas keep us awake and honest. Both remind us that life is still unfolding, no matter how familiar our routines may feel. Sometimes the smallest changes, be that a new road, new layout, or new way of looking back can make everything feel fresh again.

Speaking of fresh, you may notice a few changes around here. Past posts are now arranged in chronological order by year, which has turned revisiting them into a bit of a time-travel adventure. Moments that once felt ordinary now read differently, stitched together by time, seasons, and perspective. Familiar stories feel new again when seen through a longer lens.

There’s also a new section called About This Blog, which feels a little like opening the front door and finally explaining why the furniture is arranged the way it is. If you haven’t wandered through that space yet, I hope you will. It adds context, heart, and a bit of history about me, HHH, life here at Winterpast, and the words that live here.

As for us, HHH and I are off to experience new places while making new memories of us. We’ll be gone until February 23rd, filling our days with change of scenery, fresh thoughts, and whatever small surprises travel tends to offer. Stepping away is part of the creative process, too, while new experiences have a way of refilling the well.

Until then, be safe. Enjoy the quiet shift of the season. Notice how each day stretches a little longer as we march steadily toward spring, even if winter has a few more things to say about that..

I’ll be back February 23rd with new stories to tell.

The first week of February came and went. No fireworks. No resolutions. No dramatic promises about becoming a better version of myself by Tuesday. It simply slipped onto the calendar, short and tidy, pretending it doesn’t expect much.

But we all know better.

February may be brief, but it’s observant. It notices things. It notices that the house still bears the evidence of January. It notices unfinished projects, abandoned good intentions, and the pile of seed catalogs still in the freezer that somehow feel more like a test than an invitation.

January was loud about its expectations. February is quieter—and somehow that feels worse.

This is also the month of love, which adds another layer of quiet pressure. Valentine’s arrive with heart-shaped chocolates and the gentle suggestion that love should be tidy, romantic, and easily photographed. But February love is often softer than that. It looks like shared coffee on cold mornings, checking the weather together, or noticing the lawn greening and saying, Well, look at that. It’s the steady kind of love that shows up without needing a holiday to announce itself.

Outside, Winterpast is beginning to stir. The lawn has decided to green up just enough to make weeds feel bold. Pastor Mike has already sprayed them once, which feels both helpful and mildly shaming. The gardens are still sleeping, but not peacefully. More like snoring loudly while dreaming of warmer days.

The sun is stronger now. Coats are still required in the shade, but sunglasses are suddenly necessary in the sun. We are in that confusing in-between season where winter refuses to leave quietly and spring won’t quite step forward yet. It’s awkward. Transitional. A little emotionally confusing.

Perhaps the Winter Olympics has reminded our area that winter never really came. Tonight, we’re expecting the biggest snowstorm of the year. One foot of snow is expected to fall on Donner Pass tonight. After enjoying 70 degrees yesterday, our weather will slam into reverse and pick up more winter weather. We all need the water, so we can’t complain too much.

And so we wait for the storm.

And maybe that’s the gift of this quiet month. February isn’t here to rush us. It’s here to gently tap us on the shoulder and say, “Pay attention”. Change is waiting just beneath the surface.

Springs’ arrival won’t be hurried. Until then, we’ll prepare and wait. It’s a great time to cozy up and enjoy some Bible stories. After all, we haven’t fully bloomed yet, ourselves.