Grieving Gardener

Time changes for me are never an easy thing. Truly an early morning person, there is a limit to how early I rise. Trying to wake at 5 is really 4. There is a limit.

As I drag around this morning, please forgive my inability to produce a wonderful blog. My sleepy cobwebs are just too thick.

Please enjoy earlier blogs for today. Tomorrow, I will return refreshed, with interesting topics to share.

J

Optimism — Hopefulness and confidence about the future or the successful outcome of something.

Optimism –In philosophy, the doctrine, as set forth by Leibniz, that the world is the best of all possible worlds.

Tax Day — April 15th. A day dreaded by all. This date is not usually accompanied by an optimistic feeling. I wish to change that for myself.

Yesterday, while remaining optimistic, I spent the morning massaging the entries in Turbo Tax to come up with an amount of money that will represent my donation to the United States Government.

Tax Day. Last year, preparing our taxes was one of the last things VST lovingly did for me. His 2019 Tax folder proudly displays some of the last numbers and words he wrote. Although I always joined him to approve and sign the resulting document, he created the tax return after completing the heavy lifting all year long. Just one of the hundreds of things VST handled so quietly and perfectly while he was alive.

Grateful that Turbo Tax is available, I started entering documents a month ago when the kids (who aren’t kids, but adults) were here. It’s pretty amazing how many tax documents arrived after the first of the year. I’d just put them in my own tax folder marked 2020 Taxes, just as VST would have done. Pretty soon, my little folder was bulging. I must admit, I was a bit overwhelmed by the number of important documents.

Soon, I couldn’t ignore the task at hand. One by one, I entered the information written on the forms, and soon, I created my very own 2020 Federal Tax Return. Just ‘Like That! One entry at a time, until my folder was empty. Then, I created a binder of supporting documents, printed a copy of the tax return, while reviewing the numbers many, many times. I found some glaring mistakes and a few not so obvious, until the resulting Tax Return is one that makes me smile. Professional and complete, with supporting documents and worksheets.

During this little adventure in computer entries, the worst thing occured. My internet service went down. Drat. With terrible timing, I could have run aground. But, with a simple phone call, I reach a lovely technician who found the trouble and got me back online. She, too, had such a sweet demeanor, which made the entire situation better. In an hour, things were fixed and I was computing taxes, again. Our combined attitude helped to make the situation conquerable and pleasant.

Later today, I’m going to see my Certified Public Account (CPA) for one last look. It never hurts to have things checked over by a professional. Just maybe he’ll look and find a glaring error that will save me hundreds or thousands of dollars. Maybe the government owes ME money. Maybe A LOT. Maybe………. Well, maybe I’m a bit giddy that I just got the darn thing done. I accept the amount that I owe and will send it off as soon as I get the green light from the CPA.

Optimistic at the entire process, I hope a least a small portion of the money I send in can be used to help someone, adding to the greater good. VST would be depressed for a few days after the taxes were done. Just moping around with a heavy heart. We all have a choice in how we look at things. I could easily go down that path, fuming about the waste in government and how the small amount I’m contributing (Not Small To Me!) will be thrown to the wind. Or, I can just envision it doing some good. I’m choosing to be optimistic, because either way, I need to write a check and send it on its way.

My CPA owns and runs a prestigious accounting firm. When I met him last fall, we had a great visit. He’s upbeat and positive, which makes today’s visit something to which I’ll look forward. His secretary called me on Friday to confirm the appointment, and she was a bit of bubbling happiness on the phone. Just checking to make sure I’d be there. I’m thankful she wasn’t down in the dumps, too. After a drive through the high desert, today’s trip to the state capital will be something different and fun. Another milestone will be met. My first Tax Return as a widow will be completed. Another thing I’ve accomplished, that I didn’t know I could.

Optimistically, I am cleaning up the desk, feeling the taxes are complete and ready for the mail. A coat of furniture polish will bring out the shine on the rich mahogany finish. After a bit of shredding, the process of saving documents for next year will again begin. I’m hopeful that next year, I’ll need to report income from book sales. Don’t worry, Uncle Sam, I’ll save a little for you. Just don’t be too greedy. A new author needs some pocket change left over for fun.

Please forgive me. The time change robbed my blogging hours.

I will be back tomorrow

Thank you for supporting me by reading!

Joy

The time has changed, and I’m a little behind this morning. As I smile about my day yesterday, I’ll share with you what made it special. Just little things that unfolded throughout the day, that when rolled together, made the most beautiful day on which to reflect. I often forget to rejoice in a day full of little bits of happiness stirred with a dose of surprise.

Yesterday started out in very normal fashion. Feeding Oliver, enjoying the first cup of coffee, and blogging. All very enjoyable on any day. I’ve found the luxury of having my groceries delivered makes any day a grand one. You can’t imagine the delight I feel when the doorbell rings and my bags of carefully selected groceries await. A luxury I feel blessed to enjoy. At any rate, with my feeble brain, I forgot some key elements on my list, and needed to head off to Walmart to finish shopping.

The first bit of great luck was that they just put out the new swimsuits. Having just acquired a hot tub, a girl can’t have too many, so I bought a variety in different sizes. As it turned out, the three styles were made for me in my 65th year. No movie star or model body here, just a regular senior citizen body. Happiness strikes at the soul of any woman when she finds the right swimsuit. I found more than one! Home run!!!

As I was rejoicing over my find, a sweet girlfriend and I ran into each other and had the best chat! You know your town is not that new to you anymore when you meet a friend at Walmart. How wonderful!!! We visited about this and that, and decided we’ll have a dinner and soaking party in the next two weeks. She was bubbly, cute, and wonderful, as she always it. Again, happiness filled my heart, as I thought about how lucky I am to have wonderful family and friends.

Once home, the gardener came to spruce up Winterpast and prune my trees, not a task I could do myself. When I receive services that I’m unable to complete, I’m deeply grateful. The man who cares for my gardening needs is such a good guy. Referred by a neighbor, he too, is a friend. We enjoyed getting caught up after his long winter absence. Winterpast looks ready for spring now. Fresh and crisp under the brightest blue sky.

I also decided to go for a walk today. The first one of the year, it was the perfect day for it. I found that my walk is 23 minutes long, around a very busy neighborhood. Now, I pay attention to little details in the yards surrounding me, getting ideas for my front yard project. I.m taking note of which home owners own their own tractors and heavy equipment, in case I might have a need for such services. Every day, I rejoice in the choice I made when moving to my neighborhood. Such a beautiful place. I’m truly blessed.

As the day continued to get better and better, my sweet K called to check up on me. She is the most beautiful daughter anyone could ever ask for. As we talked, I remember that not all that long ago, I was her age, with sons of my own in their late teens. Where did the time go? She and I chatted about this and that. K is the most gracious and sweet soul, having had the worst year in her life with the loss of her beloved dad. She has grown so much through the loss, becoming even more beautiful. I am the most blessed to have her in my life.

Bearing two sons, I never really understood what it meant to have a daughter of my own. Through the saddest of days, VST’s daughter became my heart-daughter. In our conversations, I’ve shared about this crazy new life called widowhood, and she’s always been there to listen, even when I know it must be weird and hard. For that, I am tearfully grateful, as I rejoice at the love we share in our family.

Finally, I got a call from a dear friend that was craving a bit of homemade spaghetti. With the pot simmering full of Italian sausage, ground beef, diced tomatoes, basil, spices and goodness, I readied the house for dinner. Bringing laughter and sweetness into my life, I’m grateful for the day we met.

All these minutes were rolled into a normal day. Others might find my day mundane and boring. I find it was everything that a wonderful day should include. Great Weather, Family, Friends, and new bathing suits that fit. It really doesn’t get better than that.

Rejoice in the little things!!!! And check your clocks. The day’s a-wastin!

(Cadance Borrowed from “Oh, The Places You’ll Go” Dr. Seuss)

Spring is arriving

The clocks, change them back!

Lose one hour of shut-eye

Squint-eyed on our backs.

Change the clock on the stove

Change the clock, microwaving

Change the clock on the mantle,

Changing clocks, you’ll be slaving.

On your own, you. Go quick or go slow

Directions without, it’s a yes or a no.

Now sun on the street, shines at 6AM

You check this clock and that

Trying not to forget ’em.

On your own, you. You go quick or go slow

Directions without, it’s a yes or a no.

With the speed of a youngster

To this room and that,

You flit here and there

Time not for chit-chat.

And you may not find any

In some certain rooms,

No clocks in the shower

Nor next to perfume

Time speeds away on this very bright morn,

What was 7 is now 8

It makes you forlorn.

Not very hungry for lunch you now feel

Because noon was eleven

Yesterday, Making you squeel.

The day is off kilter,

It brings up a frown,

You feel sort of angry,

A little bit down.

But finally, each clock,

On this race-away day,

Is now showing time right,

Or that’s what they say.

You sit down and ponder

Smiling broad and sincere,

You did it, you did it,

Without any fear.

No directions were needed

To set your world straight.

When Six became seven

And seven became eight.

You don’t lapse behind,

You’re right on the money,

What?

It’s bedtime already?

Time change is quite funny.

To bed in the twilight

That used to be seven,

Now eight and fifteen,

My brain says, “Oh Heaven’s”

Where are my glasses

A book I will read,

Time slow as molasses.

Changing the clocks,

A simple task, not,

Thanks for listening to my tale

I thank you, a lot.

Thank you, Dr. Seuss, for introducing me to words and helping me learn to read. J

Aloha. An essence of being: love, peace, compassion, and mutual understand of respect. Living in harmony with the people and land around you with mercy, sympathy, grace, and kindness. (Skyline Hawaii Adventures and Tours Blog)

With a powerful winter storm in full swing around here, the high was in the 20’s last night. Grey skies blanketed the desert and I stayed in, not even venturing out into the wonderfully warm waters of the new, covered hot tub. It’s just been too cold. Period.

As I practice lazy inside the walls of Winterpast, tidal memories take me back to the wonderful times spent in Hawaii embracing the Aloha Spirit found there with every visit VST and I made. So many times co-workers and family would question what it was that took us back time after time. It wasn’t the convenience, as there were hours of travel time to get there. It wasn’t the fabricated culture, which became tiresome after the first few trips. It wasn’t the status of traveling to such a far away beach, when the Pacific Coastline was mere hours away by car. It was Aloha.

Aloha is found in the air. In the sand. In the sky. In the smiles of people who feel and embrace it, once you are there. Hawaii is a brilliant treat for the eyes and soul. Plants and flowers growing there are almost unbelievable in their size, magnificent shapes, and colors. A pathos plant that struggles to grow in California, grows to the size of an elephant’s ear in Hawaii, as it’s tendrils climb telephone and power poles. Plant life thrives.

Spirits abound in the islands. Both those held by the living, and those dancing in the afterlife. The waves and trade winds perform beautiful duets, as people find their playful sides on the beaches and oceans. Time slows down. Love grabs your spirit by the hand. All of this while people smile and exchange Aloha.

Many times, while lounging on the beach, new dreams of fresh adventures would materialize in thought. Free from the day to day grind of life, our minds were free to soar like shore birds, considering the next adventures we might take. Evenings would find us enjoying sunset dinners, while celebrating life together. Neither of us could ever get enough of the island life.

When we finally retired, many friends and family assumed we would move to the islands to live out our retirement days. Both of us considered it, but decided that to move there would erase the magical side that we had enjoyed for decades. Our last trip was in 2013, when, after visiting for so many times, we simply told our co-workers we were headed to the beach. A dose of Aloha once in awhile can heal many woes and soothe aching hearts. Hawaiian music has a rhythm unique unto itself. When life gets overwhelming, a little island tune can make things better, returning me to a state of Aloha even when I find myself in the cocoon of Winterpast.

Watching VST learn the hula early on in our relationship was a memory I cherish. My clunky man, never having the benefit of dance lessons, did his best to sway and tap his toes to the music. Being a good sport, he did his best to try, while being adorned with a coconut bra and hula skirt. Even in this situation, it only took a look my way to smile and carry on. He was in a state of Aloha and good spirit. Love surrounded us and made even the most embarrassing situation funny and sweet. Hawaii changed everything, allowing us to vacation in a bubble of love and happiness, while we left the real world back on the mainland.

Hoping to return to the islands someday, the dream of Hawaii is alive and well in my heart. I think of how the air will soothe my dry skin and lungs. How the waves will sing me to sleep. How the beautiful trade winds will caress me and blow through my hair. How the Menehune will dance around me as I sit on the beach and look out over the bluest of seas. Love Aloha, but even more importantly, learn to LIVE Aloha. It may just fix what ails you.

It’s snowing right now. A strong, unexpected spring storm. Droopy white flakes fall heavily to the ground. The storm is lounging over the desert, causing motorists havoc and angst. As I sit in the safety of Winterpast, I wear a huge smile. My heart is at peace and I’m truly happy even though it would be understandable if I felt otherwise.

There always seems to be an “Even Though” that could snatch happiness away at any moment. Some days, clutching to happiness for dear life, I feel my smile slipping away. The other day, I started pondering the real essence of happiness, identifying for myself, those things necessary to be happy.

Experiencing a snow storm brings me to a mindful state. There are many observations to be made. One should first observe the roads. Winter snowstorms can be so intense, you could feel as if you are in the Donner Party, hopeless and alone. Before panicking, first look at the road. Outside my window, the road is clear as the warmth melts the snow. Focusing on the beauty, I ignore all the inconvenience a snow storm can bring, while focusing on the beauty of the snow flakes. Fresh flower bulbs wait safely in my garage for proper planting in the back yard. The tree buds haven’t begun to swell yet, still in their deep winter dormancy.

In a mindful state, my thoughts turn to grateful feelings I have for the beautiful place I live. It is stunning and alive. The snowstorm will transforming my little world for a short time. Like a child playing dress up, Winterpast is again cloaked in white. The work that awaits me in the next weeks is under the cover of snow. I’m so grateful for the safety of my home. In these days of Covid, how lucky I am to have such a wonderful refuge. Such a comforting home in which to smile and laugh.

Laughter is a huge part of my happiness these days. Big booming bolts of laughter have been shaking me to my core, as I am getting to know a brand new friend. Not just any friend, I must admit. A most unusual person, unlike anyone I’ve ever met before. As laughter ricochets off the walls, happiness is blooming around here. A good sense of humor is essential for any happy household, and Winterpast has been comedy central for the past few weeks.

After laughter has subsided, and friends have gone, solitude is readily available in this the age of Covid. I’ve found that being alone, and accepting the silence as an old friend has strengthened self-respect and self-love. The quiet gives me time to sort out my feelings. I can dance in the kitchen while making tacos for one, singing badly to my favorite ’80’s tunes. All the while, I find peace and contentment in my own little world of happy.

Writing every day, I’ve found my lifelong passion. As I do what I love, happiness grows. Through the years, I was blessed to have a teaching career that brought me satisfaction and contentment every day. My students were a constant reminder that living in the moment provides wonder. They were a teachable moment in gaiety, from the minute they entered our classroom, until the last one scurried home for the day. Happiness springs eternal days of youth. Looking back at childhood photos, the joy spans decades bringing me back to days of wonder and endless summers of cheerfulness.

As the days go by, I am finding I carry fewer regrets. Trying to grab at yesterday leaves one with a sore arm and an empty hand. Projecting into tomorrow sends us shooting arrows into thin air, with no assurance of where they will land. Today is the day to seize laughter, wonder, gratitude, forgiveness, and love, while being mindful of the beauty that surrounds us. True beauty is everywhere, but, it begins in a happy heart.

The snow is starting to stick to the pavement and I think I’ll be snowed in for a bit. Worse things could happy. For now, where’s the popcorn? I’m going to watch a comedy and laugh a little while.

There’s no denying the fact that spring is knocking at our door! Yesterday, the sun shone brightly as the winds raced across my high desert hide-away. The birds remain focused on their happy little songs, while I’m deep into planning my own backyard bliss.

This morning, while waking from a great night’s sleep, the most interesting item I found. An expandable wall of fake greenery. Yes!. Ivy-like greenery that is instant on an expandable frame. I can think of so many uses for this, including but not limited to, the side of the RV barn, which is expansive and bare, the back fence, which is also bare, and most of all, as a privacy shield near the new hot tub! As this stuff is rather pricey, I need to start with one panel and evaluate the uses.

I have rounded the bend and am now a true Senior Citizen.

For years, repulsed by fakery, I would look away at gardeners that chose plastic grass over the real thing. Just turned my head in horror. There’s no substitute for the soft, sweet smell of a freshly cut lawn, or the feel of soft grass as you lay down to look at the clouds above. Now, I find myself on the brink of installing fake lawn in my front yard. The times they are a changing.

In the high desert, the choice of landscaping material is rock. Sadly. Rather like living in a real life version of the Flint Stones. Red rock. White rock. Red and White rock. Tan rock. Big rock. Small rock. Decomposing rock. Sand. All sensible choices when water is at a premium price. Winterpast, however, is adorned in green. She may be the last of her kind, and I’m thrilled to be her care taker. I’ll make sure she gets a drink before I do. An oasis that I tend to with loving care. My back yard brings summer comfort with rustling leaves, funneling desert winds in just the right directions. It is truly paradise for me.

Considering plans for the the front yard, I have different thoughts. When I bought the house, it was time for a little change. Over the years, the plants had become unruly and overgrown. It was with change in mind that I had them removed last fall. Now, the yard is like an unpainted canvas, ready for splashes of color and a new plan. My plan is to make it inviting, with zero maintenance required. I have enough work in the backyard for two homes.

When considering options, I decided on fake lawn instead of white rock. Luscious, inviting, multi-height and colored leaf blades of grass, inviting enough to look like it needs a quick mow. Lawn at the perfect height and color, yet never requiring a drink or mow. Just an occasional sprinkling to remove the desert dust. PLASTIC LAWN. That will fit into my plans perfectly.

Along with that, I plan to rework a the large, curvy flower bed, replacing roses and shrubs. A dash of paint on the front door and porch railing, and the spring projects will be complete. Winterpast will, again, look like a million bucks.

Yard work is so many things to me. Time to think. A creative outlet with unlimited DYI projects awaiting. Science projects in the form of soil analysis and additives. Ecosystem analysis striving to find the right number of predators and prey. Sunshine and Vitamin D therapy. Bed-less-tanning with a side of cardio. All those things wrapped up into gardening.

In my neighborhood, it also means social interactions with helpful visitors. Working in the front yard promises plenty of conversations as the procession of walkers trickles by. In the high desert, it’s still customary to wave at every passing car with a toothy smile and large wave. Mask-less walkers stop to comment on the improvements with their own suggestions thrown in for good measure. It’s a happy place full of wonderful friends I have yet to meet. Winterpast is the place I’m thriving.

Gardens will share a lot about life with you if given a chance. The new buds of spring are ready to open, in spite of the frosts that are sure to come. No worries. They bud and leaf out again and again, always pointing towards the sun-filled days of spring. The cycles of life go round and round, affirming hope and faith in a bright today.

Ready for adventure? Look in your own back yard!

Dear God,

Do you have a minute to talk? Through sheer faith in you, I’ve made it through some pretty fierce times recently. As the last of winter’s raging winds howl outside my house, I decided there are some things I’ve needed to say for awhile.

First of all, Thank you, God, for carrying me through the raging fires of Cancer, the loss of VST, and the loneliness of widowhood. You’ve been beside me through nights when the loss was blacker than the darkness. Lonelier than prison walls. You’ve also been there when happiness overwhelmed the sads. Present for all of my 65 years, you’ve sometimes cheered me on, and other times wept at the poor choices I’ve made along the way. I’ve only needed to ask for strength to carry on, and you’ve always provided what’s been needed in my life. For all those gifts, I’m eternally grateful.

So many times in my life, you’ve answered my prayers. You’ve given me beautiful and healthy babies to love and children to raise, a husband that cherished me throughout our lives together, and a multitude of blessings, too numerous to count. When my prayers weren’t answered, I accepted that your plan would unfold, even if it wasn’t the plan we would’ve wished for. You’ve offered a heavenly sanctuary for VST and everyone else ever loved and lost to heaven. In that, you have answered my prayers with the knowledge that VST is safe and happy with you.

A gift I could use right about now is clarity. Clarity in decision making. In relationships. In choosing new people to share my life. Clarity in life, helping me to rise above fear and doubt. As a mere mortal woman, the waters of life can get muddied. A few road signs along the way would sure help as I make my way in this complicated world.

Today, as my friends and I were shopping at a Garden Center, I noticed your smile in the spring flowers there. As the wind made leaves dance, I heard your whispers of happiness. As stray snow flakes fell from a random cloud on high, I saw you wave to me. The natural beauty with which you have blanketed the high desert in which I live is a treat for my eyes. I feel the need to thank you for that natural beauty surrounding me every time I leave Winterpast.

Lord, in my world, I smile more often now. You’ve blessed me with friends and family that have supported me through the last year. You’ve provided for my every need, through days of doctors, cancer, and death. You carried me through the flames as I lost VST, preventing me from being burned in the process. You’ve helped me to heal through faith, hope, trust, and love. For these gifts I am truly grateful.

It has been said that “She who kneels before God can stand before anything.” I kneel now, thanking you for the recent blessing you have bestowed on me. Truly answering my quiet and heartfelt prayers, I thank you for hearing my plea and answering me with the beautiful gift of love and peace.

God, I hope you rest sometimes. This old world is a place full of busy demons. Please, take in some happiness and wonder at the beauty that is your creation. Don’t give up on us. We are doing the best we can in very hard times.

Thanks for listening, God. If you run into my sweet and humble VST, would you please give him a special “Hello” from me? Fill him in on the happiness that’s surrounding me these days. It is because of your love and care that I can and will go on. That goes for VST, too.

With Love and Adoration,

Your Faithful Servant,

Joy

Today, VST’s been gone eleven months while I’ve been left to regenerate. During our lives together, we were rarely apart eleven hours, let alone months. So much has changed during that time. Along with his physical absence, gone are traditions and activities once taken for granted. In many ways, I’m glad he didn’t need to suffer through the last eleven months with us all, as he would’ve resisted all the changes in a big way.

When VST passed last April, Covid Terror was striking everywhere. There was no normal in which to fall back on or cling to. Even the simplest activity, such as sharing a meal with friends was eliminated. I found myself alone with stacks of boxes, awaiting movers that would arrive 17 days after widowhood did. There was no changing or stopping a million little details that needed attending, as new buyers were moving in right after the last dust bunny had been swept away in the Dunmovin House. Harrowing days of loneliness swirled together with the frenzy of a huge move. Big risks, and bigger unknowns. All while grieving for the loss of one-half of my being.

Last night, a friend and I spoke after reading the blog of the first time. In a concerned voice, I sensed a worry that something was missed in the times we’ve spent together. Was I really okay? Who was this Grieving Gardener? This caused immediate concerns that I’ve missed something while lost in Widow’s Wilderness. After a few sleepless hours last night, I’ve returned to my psychological base camp. I’m doing just fine, for me. In my own way, I’ve made it through an emotional and barren landscape of grief. Such a personal path of growth, it becomes impossible to explain the transformation and healing, except by gauging one’s own heart. Mine is doing well, although changed forever.

This month, my last word describing VST and our relationship is REFLECTIONS. We were always reflecting on our course through life, deciding whether to remain on a path, or veer right or left. Reflections reminded us that time was precious beyond anything else we owned. Reflecting on our relationship, we found ways to repair the things we could, and accept the things that were impassable. Through the course of more than three decades, we made a beautiful life together, unique and our own.

Reflections in my mirror show a woman I’m just now getting to know and like. Strong and beautiful in a very quirky way, I’m exhausted, yet resilient and strong. Not an athlete myself, I’ve never finished a grueling race or made 17 runs down the slopes of Sugar Bowl, but I’d expect that April 8th will be such a day. Banged up and battered, I’ll plant my flag. I’m a survivor, completing my first year of life as a single woman. Never realizing my identity was so intertwined with the rigors of being a good wife, a rebooting was necessary. As I heal, there is contented happiness found in discovering who I am now. Since September 24th, 2020, writing has been a way to vent my pain and suffering, but also delight in new discoveries and personal growth. Without words, I couldn’t have come this far.

Today, I’ll release eleven colorful balloons to the heavens. I remember May 8, 2020. A very scared, lonely widow stood in my back yard with one solitary balloon. At exactly 10:30 am, the balloon was release amid painful tears, and she dropped to her knees and spilled tears into the lush lawn. Oh, yeah. That was me. My balloon releases have been meaningful and healing. Each month, with one more added to the bouquet, the beauty of the moment is remembered and acknowledged. Each month, the experience changed in subtle ways. Each month, I’ve changed as I heal.

I’ll never be the old me that was a side kick to a very complicated and wonderful VST. He taught me a lot about cherishing things that are most important in life. He also taught me a lot about things I’ll never accept in my life, again. This is my time now. The choices I make will write the last chapter of my life. VST-isms will guide some decisions, while Joy-isms will make final call.

Surprising me some days, the trust I’m finding in my own judgement is refreshing. In the last years of our marriage, I found it easier to trust VST and his wisdom, accepting decisions he made for the both of us. Laziness? Partly, yes. With a final acceptance that VST was the man, and men just know. Guess what??? Women know just as much about important things. Trusting myself now, I’m finding new skills, while using my intuition to guide me.

Today’s personal reflection won’t be the same tomorrow. Growth changes the reflection in subtle ways. Grateful for a wonderful life together, I was blessed to find love with VST. Now, I’m equally blessed to find I love myself.