It has been 326 days since I lost VST. The sweet lady on Day 1 and I are hardly recognizable as the same person in some ways, exactly the same in others. Learning along the way, I’ve become stronger, while appreciating everything it took to get me this far. Safe and happy, I approach the milestone of Month 11, only a week away.
The observance of the One Year Milestone will occur at our favorite place, Beach Town, USA. I’d never stayed there prior to enjoying it with VST. He made the place come alive with stories of his visits as a child, becoming a younger version of himself as he told them. Many times I asked whether we should have moved there instead of VC, but his answer was always the same. We’d never return to California, but continue to visit his beloved beach as often as we could.
326 days I’ve been in the wilderness of widowhood, however that number is only the days I’ve lived without him. The grieving started months before when Cancer threw curve balls that we dodged. Changes in personality and even the ability to stand normally while attaching a sign to a fence were written off to old age, as we snuggled into our dreams. A longing for our old life came to both of us months before Cancer made an entrance.
Thirty-nine days are left before I reach the Ist Heavenersary. The world needs names for everything and someone else coined this. Probably a way for Hallmark to pump out more cards. It works, because I’ve yet to meet any widow or widower to which this day is not horribly significant. A passage into another phase of life. Not to say I’m expecting things to be dramatically different, but they will be. Just as when 2021 arrived and I could finally say “VST died LAST YEAR”. A significant passage.
Yesterday, I realized my house needs a revamp that will be completed before I leave in early April. Just as the tide changes the appearance of a beach, pictures and mementos need to change places. Quite frankly, I’m turning my house into a She-Shed as there is just one SHE that lives here. It’s time to celebrate ME, discovering the style I love while I change things up. Yesterday, I started in the bedroom.
Spring cleaning the blinds, vacuuming under the bed, and polishing the furniture, the time to consider my adult taste in design has arrived. As a woman, it was already in place. The addition or movement of a picture can change up the focus which will be happening over the next month. It’s time for a few more precious and private possessions of VST to move to the guest room. For a few more drawers to become empty. It’s the final phase before I reach the Gate as I enter Year Two. It’s time.
Miss Firecracker and I had dinner last night. Being an absolutely sweet and wonderful friend with advise that is priceless, she knows all I tell her, and sees more I haven’t divulged in words. In careful discussions, our conversations tell me a lot, while her reactions tell me more. Everyone should have a Miss Firecracker as their bestie in life.
We’re both doing the same. Working in our nests, while working through our grief. Deciding what to sell, what to donate, what to box for the kids, and what to hold close to our hearts. Three decades and then some is a lifetime of sharing. Even a special pen can hold memories, given from a realtor as we sold the ranch. To others, it would be worthless, unable to produce ink on a page, but to Widow-Me, it is priceless. Miss Firecracker and I are going through this process. No one, other than another widow, knows the exhaustion this produces. Mental. Spiritual. Emotional. Physical. Cardiac. Total Exhaustion.
No one but a widow knows how good it feels with every box that is packed away. No one but another widow knows each box rips away a part of your heart that needs to heal all over again. As the process continues, the healing phase seems to go quicker, the goodbyes to precious items become easier.
There’s a peace in letting go of things to which one can no longer hold. That includes the longing for a mate that is gone. The strangest thing is this. I’ve let VST go thousands of times in thousands of ways. To release him totally to the universe is still impossible, and I suspect will be impossible for the rest of my life. His eternal love lives in my heart. No rearranging of those precious memories, as they adorn the most beautiful She-Shed that is my heart.