Yesterday was a day of no movement, forward or backwards. Some days, as retirees, we must practice lazy. As widows, we need to stop for much needed reflection and ponder the growth we make every day. Next week, 8 Months will have passed since I lost VST. Although in some ways, it seems like not one second has passed, it is undeniable that the growth I have made in these months is astounding. Hardly a day passes in which a new problem requires skills or knowledge I didn’t know I possess. For these new skills, I am profoundly thankful.
I started to think about moving forward and what it doesn’t mean for me. It doesn’t mean that I have forgotten VST, for he is embedded in the deepest place of my heart, safe and sound. After loving someone so deeply for so many years, his words and deeds are memories at the ready to comfort me when no one else could know. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the pain of this loss every day. It has become manageable, but just like a physical pain, if I move the wrong way, disturbing a hidden memory that squeaks, the pain of my loss is real. It doesn’t mean I believe life is always fair. There was nothing fair or right about what happened to VST and I. No one could ever make me believe it was part of a loving master plan. But, nothing can change the fact that Cancer was the victor. No matter what I do, I must move on, knowing the truths above are important parts of my life now.
As I move forward, my pain is not necessarily less. I have found ways to manage it, much like a critically injured patient would understand. Family, friends, exercise, healthy thoughts, laughter, a busy mind, good food, and plenty of sleep help mitigate it. Finding words to express my feelings allows venting in healthy doses. Treasuring my best memories is something I now can do without crying excessively. I can find humor inJ the things we used to do and say, and while others might not get it, we did and always will. I have realistically accepted the different aspects of my loss as the days have gone on. Being a farm girl has helped with that, having learned early on that there is a season for everything, including the loss of a loved one.
As I move forward, I can and will form new relationships and try new things that bring renewed faith in the goodness of life. I discount nay say-ers who say I’m not following recommended time frames for grief, because the only person that knows my heart is me. There is not some kind of magic dip stick to measure my level of grief and healing. Not a magic calendar in which the train to happiness will leave the station. I am finding those milestones on my own by trial and error. And errors I have made. But, successes have been found, too. New friendships #have let me find peace and happiness with conversations, shared stories, and outings. Forward thinking has allowed me to go ahead on my own path, assured that I am not alone as I walk on.
In a forward mode, I am growing in grace in my private talks with God. Without faith, my journey would have been much worse, if not impossible. It has comforted me when my lonely house was Covid silent with one lone occupant. Me. With faith anew, I have been more able to accept my loss and forgive others. More importantly, I have found forgiveness of myself and things I wished I would have done differently. VST is smiling now, reminding me, “You can’t go nowhere on yesterday’s train, Darlin.” Both Joy and Loss are part of my journey now. I need to stay focused in the moment to avoid missing the wonder of life. The past can’t reflect a pair of noisy crows talking their hearts out on my roof, or mustangs enjoying the sunshine on an autumn day. There is so much beauty in the Right Now of life. Beauty that soothes my soul as I walk my neighborhood on sun-drenched mornings.
I know, most of all, God is good even when life isn’t. With so many external distractions, I forget, at times, that I don’t need to fix everything in my broken life all at once. If moving forward, I’m not stuck. Better yet, I’m not in reverse. By moving forward, I can get past fearful days in which I’m not sure which fork in the road is best for me. The perfection of now is found when I keep moving towards life, family, friends, and goals, even if it is inch by inch up a steep grade.
I’m grateful for the last 8 months, strange as that sounds. Obviously, not for losing VST, which has been excruciating. I’m thankful for Hope and Growth, which have turned my focus toward life at its best. Exhilarating and freeing. I am thankful for everything I’m learning each day as I move forward on my journey towards a happy life. Simply being grateful for the Good in life. Try it. It will help.