Working on fall cleaning late last night, I found my own space has changed so much in the last four Autumns. I spend much less time watching movies in “Zero Gravity”, floating in the weightlessness of self pity. Nope. No more of that. This woman has things to do and places to go. I’ve chosen a purposeful course of action with my eyes focused forward instead of looking down.
There is now an empty dresser in my room in which my new husband will place his belongings. There is an empty side of the closet that will hold his clothes. Every part of Winterpast is different now. That frightened young widow of 17 days who stood next to the empty pantry shuddering in sobs is healed.
During those years of self discovery, there was something that only a widow or widower understands. I was A-L-0-N-E. Before baptism and spiritual rebirth, I was in an even darker place of loneliness. For widows everywhere, my heart breaks for you. Although I only know my grief experience, I know I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. No matter how its described, its thousands of times worse and then some.
In the beginning, VST was everywhere here at Winterpast. On every wall and counter, there were pictures anchoring me to 32 years of marriage. So blessed when I met him at our class reunion, I can honestly say, we saved each other. No matter the ups and downs of married life, we were safe together. And then, the only together left was photos and old cards.
Over time, everything has changed. Winterpast is a reflection of the woman I’ve become. Although still alone, I’ve filled the void making friends with myself. That took a little doing, as I realized there were things about myself I didn’t much care for. Things I was angry about. Things I needed to change. So, with God’s help, I did.
When I remembered who I was, things changed. For the better. I stopped accepting poor treatment from others. I learned to try new things while realizing simple truths like “I hate mayonnaise now and forever more.” Somethings will never change and I learned that’s okay, too.
A little over one year ago, a wonderful guy came into my life. He lives just six miles away in a grey and white house that helped him heal. He’d lost his high school sweetheart AND his beloved dog of 16 years. He was A-L-O-N-E, as only a widow or widower can understand. He spent the same four autumns purposely changing. He painted. He gardened. He softened his heart to the Lord. He prayed. And, he found me.
Everything has changed just as everything always does. When the nights are the loneliest and the days so dark you wonder where the sun went, just keep going. Make one little, tiny change. And then another. Pretty soon, you’ll be on the road to better. Don’t miss that turn towards “Happy”. Sometimes, it’s lost behind the trees, but trust me on this, it’s there.
For the next bit of time, I’ll be a laughing, crying, doubting, embracing, quivering, shivering, bitching, forgiving, loving, sleepless, nightmare-plagued, cranky, coffee-guzzling, detail-oriented bride. One minute I’ll be singing songs from The Sound of Music, and the next minute, I’m sure I won’t have a voice at all.
By THE DAY, I’ll have ordered every possible evening dress in THE certain desired color, only to have returned them all, except one. THE DRESS. I’ll have spent time with the people in this world that I love the most. And then, I’ll walk down a very short aisle that will seem like a million miles. I’ll only make it to the end because there will stand a man with the most beautiful blue eyes waiting to take my hand. And there, the first chapter of our life’s story together will begin.
I’ll be back on October 30th. By then, I’ll have a new last name and be enjoying the honeymoon year of our new marriage. Shortly after, there’ll be some changes. I can no longer be writing as the Grieving Gardener, as I’ll certainly be Glowing and Grinning. My Mysterious Marine and Fabulous FiancĂ© (MMFF) will have a new name, already selected. Come back on the 30th to find out all the news! Just embrace it. Everything Changes!