I have always been a writer. From a very young age, words gave meaning to a world I didn’t understand very well. Expectations for a “Good Farm Girl” included being “seen but not heard”. Any of you older than a minute will understand what I mean. Any words from a child had no meaning at all. Go outside and play. Period.
Going outside didn’t hold Hollywood images of Mayberry, RFD. For me, outside was a wild place with danger just outside the acceptable boundaries of our ranch. Believe me when I tell you there was enough danger inside those boundaries for any child. It was there my nose was badly bitten by a really friendly dog. It was there steel crushed my 3-year-old-toe, squishing it to 1/2 shoe size larger than the other. It was there animals were ushered in as adorable babies and turned into dinner just weeks later.
My outdoor life also included wonder and happiness. There was always food to be found hanging from big beautiful trees or sprouting in the garden. If were quiet enough, I could spy a coyote or new nest of birds. I learned the calls of birds and what they looked like circling in updrafts. I would watch in fascination the murmurations of the starlings making their own version of moving art.
Through the harvests of my childhood while journeying into teen years of confusion and loss, I longed to journal, but had no safe place in which to write. A writer needs a place in which their written thoughts are undisturbed by other. A shy girl couldn’t reveal her heart safely in a house that afforded no personal space.
In those days, even bath time was a family affair. In a house of 7, baths were shared by the children. This wasn’t like Little House in the Prairie. Built in the 1950’s, we had running water and all the modern conveniences. The “girl’s bathroom” was even covered in pink tile and porcelain. We just relied on a modern pump to bring up well water from the ground, delivering it to shiny faucets in the house.
The bath schedule went like this. The oldest would have some alone time and privacy. As the water cooled, more was added for the Princess of Everything. Then, the oldest in line would lounge around a bit. The third girl always whined and got her alone time, carefully timed to to “Get In, Wash Up, Rinse Off, Get Out.” And finally, the two littles would be washed together before the tub was emptied until the next day.
Nope. Not even bath time was private. And so, journaling waited.
There were times when journaling would have helped me through. College struggles. A young bride living in Tiraspol, Moldavia, USSR at 21. A very young mom trying to navigate a life of violence. A single mom with two little boys. A new wife and Step Mom. A professional woman. Three decades a wife. A grieving widow.
It wasn’t until I moved to the safety of Winterpast that I finally found my writing space. Journals in which I could write down my own days, even if the words just reflected the weather and the time of day I got out of bed. Journals in which I write to show I was alive that day. I did something that mattered and was worth noting. And so, since 2020, I’ve kept journals.
In the beginning, I wrote much more about feelings. Reading them now, I cringe at the silly thoughts that spent time in my head. Reading back to the first time I met someone for a cup of coffee make me smile. Cried the whole way to the restaurant and the whole way back, all the while twirling my wedding ring and missing VST with all my heart. Such a mess, all written on tear stained pages, day after day.
Words are a powerful way to document healing and growth. Looking back at the lost widow of 2020, I hardly recognize myself. All those missteps had to be. Just like a toddler learning to walk, I had to go the path I chose. I had to learn how to watch for my own dangers and boundaries, just as I’d done when sent “Outside to Play” on the ranch. I’m totally blessed I was raised as a feral child. It’s served me well through the years.
There are six or seven old journals now, sitting quietly in their resting place awaiting their fate. The problem with journals is what to do with them? Keep them for reflection? (Cringe-worthy in my case). Keep them for possible publication? Absolutely scandalous, although an interesting thought. For now, I’ll let them lay silently in the dark. Seems the best answer.
If you’re starting a new chapter in life, as a widow or widower always is, try writing down your daily activities. Each day, be sure to add three things for which you’re thankful. You’ll probably be shocked at how your tone changes over time as you heal. Jot down the number of hours you sleep during the day. Or the number of hours you can’t sleep during the night. As you reflect in a few months, those numbers will change, affirmations that life is getting better.
Write as if no one is watching, because no one should be. If you live with others, make it perfectly clear that these are private thoughts. Written on private pages, they’re off limits to all unless you invite them to take a peak once in awhile. Make firm boundaries and then, write.
If you already have stacks of journals and can’t decide their fate, here are some suggestions.
- If full of entries that will do you no good, or a reminder of a sad or bad part of your life, have a bonfire/journal burning party. Who wants all that negativity stored so closely? Do away with it forever.
- If full of memories that make you happy, creating smiles and laughter each time you glance through it, keep it!
- If a combo of trash and a few goodies, modify your plan. ? Tear out and keep the good pages and toss the rest.
Do this once every year or two, and you’ll find yourself laughing, crying, or disgusted that you’ve wasted so much of your life avoiding the pen and page. As one of my favorite students once told me, “Writing IS Life.” I’m waiting for her first book. She’s busy with high school at the moment.
As for those that have a partner that journals, one boundary must never, ever be crossed. Never, ever, ever peak without permission. Journals are sacred, safe spaces that hold personal truths. That doesn’t make everything uttered truth for the world to discuss. Just truth for the writer as they heal through the horrors of grief while discovering their new life.
For now, I’m not sure of the fate of my journals. The current one is a scrap book of used tickets, programs, and memento’s from the best year any woman could hope for. Memories of giving Halloween Candy to a huge chicken, watching a lighted Christmas parade down Main Street, welcoming a new year, a 1st Valentine’s Day together at the beach, and a Mother’s Day BBQ for 40. Words that question. Random thoughts. Happiness. Worries. Everything swirling together on the rich pages of a journal of growth just mine.
As a former teacher of writing, I’ll share with you what I always told my students.
- Neatness doesn’t matter. Make it suit you.
- Spelling and grammar don’t matter. If YOU can read the story you’ve written, then Mission Accomplished. You can fix spelling and grammar later.
- Just tell your story. Tell your side. Tell it loud and proud. Just tell it.
- Date your writing. Always.
- Instrumental music can help the words get out of your fingers. A 3rd grade student of mine added that one to this list. (Not music with lyrics–because those words mess with YOUR words.)
- Never write on loose sheets of paper. Journal in a journal of some kind. I would suggest buying one you really like.
- Nothing is off limits. Words cannot come off the page to cause mayhem.
- Find YOUR time and place, and then get to know yourself.
Whatever you do today, try journaling for at least a week. You just might find it fixes what ails you.
More tomorrow.