Recovering from grief can leave one feeling somewhat like a deflated basketball, blown tire, or flat soda. This week, I’ve had trouble bouncing, rolling, or even being a little sparkly. Sometimes, a little fresh air or an injection of fizz are required to get moving again. Widowhood has been that way for me. Something about seeing a black slab of granite inscribed with VST’s Birth and Death dates was a slap in the face. Wonderful memories are all that are left behind after everything is said and done. Standing at his headstone on top of Cemetery Hill in Virginia City, life screamed that at me though the chill of the Zephyr Winds.
When frozen in grief, forward movement can seem downright impossible. Just when I started to believe the wilderness of widowhood was clearing, I found myself again in the thickness of the forest. One year? Two Years? It seems the paths are the very same month after month. Time has healed so much, while opening other, more subtle wounds. No one prepared me for that cruel fact of life.
Which way now?
Choose a path NOW.
Although the same choices have existed for the past 2 years, the fog kept the vast number of possibilities hidden. The horizon expands with each new day, leaving me “Decision Weary”.
Turn here.
Volunteer there.
Move this way.
Travel that way.
Help this new widow.
Lean into the oldest of friends.
All the while, choices and directions have painfully personal outcomes. Widows and widowers understand this. Life is now surrounded by a loneliness wished on no one. Surrounded by overwhelming and complete solitude in the darkness of night, faith comforts me.
During traumatic times, self care and self love are vital. Listen to your personal needs and take address them. Sometimes, it could include a swift kick into gear if you find yourself sitting in one spot too long. Get moving. It doesn’t need to be very fast or far but in a forward motion each day.
If you find life is different than you desire, it’s time to change things up. Choose a new hairstyle or trade in your favorite “mom jeans” for a pair of cute leggings. Do things in a different order and life will begin to brighten as it becomes your own.
The spring weather here has been like my moods. Hot one minute and freezing cold the next. I compare the change in the weather to the next chapter of life. Some days, you’re cruising through life at 70 degrees. Other days, you’re burned to a crisp in the desert sun. The long days of winter’s chill are conquered with cups of hot cocoa by a roaring fire, while the snow falls just outside your door. Yes. Life is continual string of seasons, one right after the other.
Spring 2022 has brought on a new crop of weeds to Winterpast. I’ll leave you to enjoy the best day you’ve had all year. Make it so by doing something Saturday-ish. But, first and foremost, take care of yourself.
More tomorrow.