Life is just that. A complicated balancing act of so many varied responsibilities. Retirement makes me wonder how VST and I ever kept so many balls in the air at once. At times, life seemed nearly impossible, and yet, thing always got done. In the prime of life, productive people don’t have much time for examination of the belly button.
April 8th will be the two year anniversary of VST’s death. Remembering back to those last days, a variety of needs were put on the back burner with one main focus front and center. Hospice care for my dying husband. Those days were the darkest of my life. Horrific memories still pop into my head from time to time. What could I have done differently? How could I have made things go more smoothly? Being a hospice team of one on the hillside of Mount Davidson, I did the best I could. How difficult were those days with only VST and I knowing the toll “Goodbye” took on us.
During the last 726 days, so many challenges have been conquered. From moving 350 moving boxes from storage to keeping a 1/2 acre yard lush and lovely, life’s been busy enough. There were days when I spent too much time weeping. Other days when I wasted time sleeping too much. Some days were spent just thinking about life. Each day, writing took me to a focused place that I could express an abscessed wound. Coming to the end of my second widowed year, I find that my life is finally coming into balance.
For those of you just entering the foggy wilderness of widowhood, I send my prayers and love. I wish I could send you a road map. That was the original intent of this blog. After all this time, I realize that was a bloated and arrogant thought. No one can lead another on the journey of grief. It’s all a new widow can do to put one foot in front of the other and find her own way. I know that the prayers of T, K, Miss Firecracker, CC, Ninja Neighbor, Ace, and all the others who supported me helped me find a new life, one day at a time.
Today, I was taking inventory of the parts of myself that need nurturing. Thinking of my recent activities, a personal balance is finally coming into focus. Spirituality, artistic abilities, social needs, grief, financial security, home-owner responsibilities, self care, creativity, intellect, community service, and love of nature. Listening to my inner voice, I’ve slowly plugged in nurturing activities. God’s grace and mercy have given me strength to carry on.
As a widow of 66, these are the last years in life I can enjoy activities of my very own choosing. Slowly, health and circumstances will enforce certain limits. Until that happens, I need “make hay while the sun shines”, as my dad would always say. VST would just tell me I can sleep when I’m dead”.
Awhile back, when things weren’t very balanced, I made a pie chart of my activities to see from where the imbalance came. Being a visual person, it was interesting to see that laziness was taking up more of my life than necessary. A little more social interaction was necessary. By adding a little of this and taking away a little of that, the balance I’m currently enjoying is starting to feel natural.
726 days represents quite a journey in my life. In reality, it’s only 3% of my days on earth, yet sometimes consuming 100% of my thoughts. In the big old world, April 8, 2020’s heart wrenching loss wasn’t even a hiccup. Life goes on. Grief is something we experience as we continue living. At some point along the way, the 8th’s of every single month now hold promise instead of loss. Instead of two years a widow, I’m coming up on two years with my own personal angel. Tall, dark, and extremely handsome he will always be to me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. What will I choose to do next?
Look for your own balance. If one activity is taking up too much of your time, try a different approach. Add a new activity to spice up your life. The choices are too numerous to count.
Continued prayers for Ron and Beverly Barker. As of this writing, they haven’t been found.
More tomorrow.