Checking earthly activities from heaven, I hope VST sees an earthbound constellation of glowing happiness while finding me in the center. My constellation is called “The Writer”, featuring me at my computer screen surrounded by stacks of books. Oliver shines brightly as a golden star at my feet, giving me inspiration to carry on. WP and all my sweet friends and family sparkling with kindness and love.
Everyone has their own sphere of influence here on earth. Choosing happiness or misery we carry on, day after day. Kindness makes every life twinkle. Those on the receiving end feel it. It energizes those that give it. Nothing could be worse than hiding our God-given gifts, positivity definitely being one. The world would benefit from emotional intelligence right now. Sadly, many people are unaware it even exists or the benefits of accessing it once in awhile.
As a widow, I plan to shine brightly, sending the best kinds of signals to the heavens. VST, I’m using my own wings as my words set me in flight. I’m finding strength to be bold, graceful, and hopeful. In your honor, I soar higher than I ever dreamed possible. I can sleep when I’m dead, VST. Just like we always said, Right?
Of course, with any constellation, many stars are needed to create this picture. From the very first day I was alone, the stars came out to shine. From hospice support to Ninja Neighbor. Winterpast. All the “Ya Don‘t Know who loves you ’till you do’s”. Strangers who smiled and offered a hug, becoming friends. My wonderful church family. New friends who made a difference in my life along the way. WP making a difference in my life now. CC. Da Girl. New star fusion even brought a most beloved D.O. back into my life. They’re all part of my earthly constellation creating the beautiful life I now enjoy.
As a writer, I hope my words are lighting the world on fire, one person at a time. Wondering how my words even matter, I’m still drawn to my computer at 4:30 every morning. As the words tumble onto the screen, I want them to be words that I’d like to hear. Something that would make me smile if I read it. Heaven knows, there’s enough sadness in this world to cover it with clouds a mile thick. Positivity is the wind that can clear those away.
People tell me I’m intelligent, cool, street smart, intuitive, independent, funny, sweet, accomplished, a bitch, a writer, bold, outrageous, fierce, self-assured, smart, a traveler, sensitive, brave, a gardener, persistent, faithful, loyal, a Christian, sincere, honest, loving, kind, helpful, observant, artistic, insightful, mechanical, mindful, obsessive, aware, creative, centered, playful, beautiful, soulful, spiritual, empathetic, sympathetic, self-aware, patient, exuberant, electric, demanding, exploding, authentic, observant, inventive, organized, and responsible. I wish I truly felt I was any of these things.
Most days, I’m unsure, scared, sad, lonely, and frail. Widowhood persists, rather like tinnitus. It never goes away, and so we learn to live with it. To make it through, I write.
Brand new to teaching in 1996, it was the first day of school. With my brand new designer outfit, shiny leather flats, fresh haircut, and perfect makeup, I drove 45 minutes towards the first day of my career. VST hugged me before I went out the door that day. His words were perfect.
“Remember this, Darlin’. Fake it, ’til you make it.”
I figured the kids would sniff out a fake right away. To my surprise, there was an inspirational teacher packed inside, enjoying the same wonder and energy held by my little students. I didn’t need to fake it at all. It was already there, waiting to be used.
I hope when VST sees my constellation, it makes him smile. Soon, he’ll be watching me at book signings and someday, maybe help me through a TED talk. Why not? This chickadee has plenty to say. I wave to the heavens some days as I write. Not knowing how these things work, I hope my constellation can be fluid. I hope he see’s me smiling. It’s in your honor I do this, VST. But then, you already know.