Emotional uncertainty rests heavy on my shoulders as I get ready to travel back in time. Driving down familiar roads, I’ll be scurrying backwards in time, finding my ultimate vacation spot on the shore of the Pacific Ocean. For many years, the direction of choice was East, traveling to so many exquisite spots in our country. Mount Rushmore. Washington, D.C. Northern Minnesota. Wyoming. This trip will be different. I’ll be returning to places I used to live. A town I used to know. A home that used to be mine.
Oliver will be enjoying his friends at Puppy Camp. He works while he’s there, helping the newbies with their night frights. He plays with the little ones, wearing them out. Making the staff smile with his antics, he’ll have another fabulous vacation while I’m off making memories of my own.
This is the third time I’ve reserved a little house on the beach. Tiny and adorable, I plan to walk along the shore and think about the past and also the future. I don’t find real comfort in venturing too far from the present. Things in the past can’t be changed. Things in the future haven’t yet been written. The present is the place in which we can all find things we can count on, like good food and great friends.
Returning to California, there are memories that will sting and burn my heart. No doubt about that. It’s time to face them. A little cabin in the woods. A dinner at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the lake. A best friend waiting with a new beau and the best hugs in the world. My new friend, WP, to share with everyone.
Traveling through Yosemite National Park, so many trips and experiences are bound to go through my mind. Stags, Bears, Rangers, and a run-away horse. The most serene meadow of Tuolumne. A place many Californian’s have never seen because it is towards the Eastern side of the Sierra’s. I’ll remember a little boy fishing that, to our surprise, caught a squirrel. Another little boy that celebrated a 10th birthday. A troubled couple that ran to the Sierra’s every chance possible to escape the troubling professions in which we worked. Two people that went through life loving nature and soaking in the breathtaking scenery of the Sierra Nevada Mountains.
Planning to drive by my old ranch, I’ll remember myself as the little blonde girl that used to get Hydrox cookies from Grammie’s cookie jar. The girl that refused to take naps and had to be threatened with the fly swatter once in awhile. I’ll think of the cellar, always cool, even on the hottest Central Valley days. The rows of canned goods, lined up and waiting for winter. Applesauce, white and orange peaches, bread and butter pickles, and jellies galore. A grandpa that made the best popcorn, delighting three little girls when kernels escaped the pot.
I’ll think of being the young mother that became a farmer, learning about the cycles of the vineyard tended by her Great-Grandparents and Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and parents. Vines that were decades old, producing grapes that the average person has never tasted in their life. A barn, big and red and mysterious. Barn doors so big they took VST and his strong arms to move them. Owls that came out on spring nights to teach their babies to fly. Family and friends that came out to the ranch to marvel at the peacefulness of the vineyard. Work. Work. Work. And more work.
A high school where I lost my first love to death my Senior year. A high school where I met VST in choir. A high school reunion where we would shock everyone with a proposal and a Yes. A highschool where my own boys would grow up and graduate. A ranch that would see them to manhood and GoodBye. All these visions will come flooding back as I show these places to someone that grew up in a city far away. California being so vast, as if city and farm were in different galaxies.
Once at the coast, T and K will join us for a day of fun. A lunch at a favorite restaurant that I see in my mind the same as my own kitchen. An afternoon on the water. A chance to visit and smile. A chance to remember someone so dear and special as the man VST was to us all.
Sleeping next to the waves, my dreams will no doubt sneak back to days in the RV. After driving for so many hours, the nights next to the shore were always the most special. Leaving the window cracked a bit, the sound of the waves crashing through a storm were the best kind of lullaby. They will be again.
Finding the arms of my God Mother wrapped around me, I’ll be home. Back to the comfort she has always provided. Back to a woman who has known me longer than anyone else I know. She who knows my heart without every having to ask a question. She, the reason I long to return.
Quite a lot to go through in a week. Wondering what my responses will be to all the visual stimuli, I’ve been getting sleep, good food, and vitamins. Crying when I need to, I’ve been pre-visualizing the scenes that are sure to tear at my heart. I’m so blessed to be going with a friend that will help me get through the hard parts, while helping me make memories with the new ones.
My past was a magical place that held all the emotions and memories experienced by everyone. Traveling through, I’ll give a shout out to the ghosts of the past. Say a sweet Thank You that I was lucky enough to get the life I was given by God.
Stay tuned. I’ll share along the way I while I enjoy a wonderful vacation.