Today is a fine day to assess the me I am right now while checking for needed adjustments to my course. So far, my life has been full of all kinds of labels. I’ve been daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin. Mother and Grandmother. Daughter-in-law and daughter-in love. I’ve been clueless, and a self-assured and ruthless bitch, sometimes concurrently. I’ve been a fiance, a bride, and now, a widow. Through all of that, there have been many times in my life, I couldn’t or wouldn’t choose to be me. Today is a fine day to think about where I stand now.
Outside, the dark clouds and winter storm warning make me think Mother Earth has days when she can’t decide who she is, as well. Last night, the winds howled through the darkness, while the creaks and groans of Winterpast put me on edge. I’ve never been one to be afraid of the dark, but last night, even that confidence was challenged a little bit. Oliver slept soundly in his little bed, sweet puppy dreams comforting him. If he slept, the noises would just be household complaints whispered while homeowners dream.
My physical balance has always been an issue, teetering this way or tottering that way. Never really sure of my footing, exaggerated when I started this journey as a widow last year. There was no room for major mistakes, as the results would have been catastrophic. I needed to be present, even when I was quite sure I was losing my mind with grief. Just one foot in front of the other, carrying so many responsibilities, I didn’t have a hand to carry a cane. I found my balance, even if it looked different than I was expecting. Even if I chose stepping stones that made others cringe.
My spirit, although tested in the last year, has remained strong. Faith, hope, love, and a strong belief in the goodness of the day have gotten me through. My heart quietly repaired, as I tended to my body, making sure it got the right food and plenty of rest. Slowly, I became accustomed to a new normal, hand-picking every color and texture. I’m beginning to like the resulting tapestry. There is still so much more to weave into my reality. I am becoming the HER I want to be.
The high desert is a great place to plan a life. Quietly serene, I find myself the most creative when I am working the soil of Winterpast. Desert dirt is a funny thing. If left alone, it becomes rigid and stone-like. Without the addition of water, mulch, or nutrients, Winterpast would return to her desolate state, with everything dead. The same would’ve happened to me without the spiritual or emotional nourishment I’ve found along the way. With new friendships and love in my life, my roots are growing deeper and my heart is blooming with possibilities. I have found a happiness that is new and fragile, but growing every day.
Adventures are just around the bend. Last week, I made reservations for the International Pyrotechnic Convention to be held in Fargo, North Dakota in August. Many nights will be filled with competitive fireworks displays put on by major companies. For almost an hour each night, the skies will explode with beauty set to music. I can hardly wait. This year, my life is exploding with beauty just like the fireworks I’m expecting to see. With reservations for two, the anticipation of “+Fun” adventures is a delightful feeling.
Writing’s always been a deep love of mine. It came easily as I was growing up, with stories stacked neatly in my heart, just waiting to be told. Now that I’ve the time and means to tell them, the words jump out of my fingers and through the keyboard to my readers each day. I’m finding my voice, while experimenting with tone, topic, and tempo. The HER I want to bring to life is a full fledged writer. A published writer who is read by thousands of people in many countries around the world. I am on the way to that woman, but not HER all the way.
The woman I’m looking forward to being is fierce and a force to be reckoned with. She is grounded and sure of her steps towards her goals. She is smart. Tenacious. Courageous enough to let her friends be strong for her once in awhile. Tender enough to cry or wipe away the tears of another. Street wise, but still ready to believe the best in people. A life mate that is worthy of sharing forever with another human being. That woman.
The deserts winds continue to blow today under grey and solemn clouds. Over and over, they cross the plains towards Winterpast and hit her hard. I expect the winds of life will continue to do the same to me. Goodbye’s and Hello’s. Losses and finds. Wins and defeats. But always, encouraging me to march towards the goal of being my best self.
As a new week begins today, I hope that you are finding the person you were meant to be in this crazy world. You, your own captain, follow the things that make you happy and strong. It isn’t something anyone can be told how to do, or imitate. Personal and private answers lie within our hearts, each truth as different as a fingerprint. Go, find your version of HER. She’s waiting for you.