January 10th!!! Month 10 is still new! Bundled in my fleece jammies with wool slippers on my feet, I remember fall and the lovely weather. The leaves rustling in brilliant color. Mustangs, standing on every hill, looking for water and food. Walks at any time of day, pleasantly breezy and warm. I also remember how much I feared this first winter alone. As it turns out, this winter is where I find my first book. It’s where I find myself cocooning and liking the quiet solitude. It’s where I find I am my own best company. Another surprise of widowhood firsts.
This month I find out what I’m made of, as it’s our anniversary month. January 23rd will memorialize, 33 years ago the day that VST and I exchanged vows in front of family and friends. Auntie God Mom, Uncle Cool Guy, and CC were there, “with bells on”. Not sure where that phrase actually originated. Getting dressed up as a girl, if we were attending a fancy event, everyone would go “with bells on”, yet I never saw one bell. Quite sure CC is shaking her head, because she definitely never wore a bell in her life. Now, Auntie God Mom is another story.
That morning, there was no way that I, as a beautiful young woman of 31, could have known how that day would drive my life through our forever. VST was devastatingly handsome. That was a given. His intelligence and forethought in every aspect of life took us on the best adventures, while I added Sagittarian optimism, spunk, and fun. We were a power couple that didn’t know we were while being too busy planning goals and living out each day.
Respect was a cornerstone for our relationship. I respected his core values and the essence of who he was. I received that respect in return. We argued, pouted, plotted, and did all the normal couple things while in disagreement, but, we never crossed the line into disrespect. Those issues we battled remained sacred, shared only between us. Neither of us were the type that included friends and family into our issues. Those were privately handled with respect. Some of our finest hours as two.
When I look at the world today, the lack of simple respect is astounding. Everyone insistent that their way is the only way, and that way will be how things will go. Somewhere respect and discussions about differences have been lost. Something that costs nothing but the time needed to count to 10, breathe deeply, and listen to one another. How simple. A prayer for respect in the world would be helpful.
January 8, I released 9 balloons, beautiful in their brilliant colors. As I released them, four got caught in one of my bare trees. I thought of many things at it happened. I know VST didn’t want to leave me, the kids, or any of his friends. He wasn’t ready to be whisked away by cancer. The tree at that moment represented cancer, holding VST’s brilliance in its clutches. But, the four fragile balloons struggled to get free and rise heavenward. They did one by one. It was so beautiful to see them finally disappear into the beautiful blue desert sky, one by one. He is free. He made it on that cold spring morning right before Easter. Respectfully, and with such great love, I let him go.
I respect all the things VST taught me. So many things, it would be impossible to list them all. From things about the workings of a toilet to tax information. From the hundreds of uses for duct tape when farming to unique and crazy dance steps only VST could pull off as his dimples charmed me. But most of all, I’ve learned that respect is a corner stone for any new relationship formed in my life. With that foundation, anything is possible and worth keeping a lifetime.
I miss you VST. Enjoy your 10th month in heaven.