Reflecting back on the holidays, I’ve taken notes of what worked and what was an utter failure. Being alone failed. Not going to happen again, with a cruise for the 2021 holiday season booked and waiting. Yahoo!! Monthly words and gifts representing VST and I were a huge success. About this, I share.
Each month, a focus word was chosen that we personified. Anyone that knew us would have agreed words like Adventure, Friendship, Ever Lasting Love, or Aloha were great descriptors. During the holidays, choosing Rejoice was perfect, as I rejoiced in the beauty of having VST as my mate for 32 years. For the first 6 months, I purchased a Christmas present reflecting each word. Something tangible that I could open and hug Christmas Eve. This was ultimately a great idea, as these were the six presents I had to open this year. Although he had been gone 8 months Christmas Eve, the need to buy a present the last two months wasn’t there. I stopped buying gifts at Month 6.
Ordering things each month, two were personalized. A blanket with special words organized in jigsawed fashion, and a personalized book. Both came gift wrapped, so there was no peaking for months until Christmas came. Both made me cry in a good way.
The blanket, although not the quality I would have liked, is a beautiful thing in which to cocoon myself on chilly evenings. Navy blue and white with fleece backing, it had words and phrases about us. January 23, 1988. VST loves EJ. Oliver. Things about our lives. My favorite. “Home is where you are, Darlin”. I chose the words carefully, turning them into something beautiful.
The book was an entirely different surprise altogether. I’d looked on a site that promised a personalized hard bound book for someone you love. I entered very little information, including our names, gender, and color of hair for each of us. Just a few little details. Never did I expect to get the book that was delivered. As I read this little story, it was about us, as if VST had written it for me. I’ve only been able to read it once, so far, on Christmas Eve. How it managed to reflect our lives together is a mystery to me. Maybe artificial intelligence located in my new fridge???? Spies listening? At any rate, it was perfect for me. With each gift, I enclosed a little card to myself reflecting on important things I should remember. What he WOULD have told me if only he COULD. Those were the right things to read on my very sweet first Christmas Eve all alone.
Happiness was represented by another cute gift. I bought a Giant Sunflower tire cover for my Jeep Wrangler. VST always called the Jeep “Barbie’s Jeep”. Although he did the driving, we bought the Jeep for me, never dreaming I would be the sole driver just one year later. The sunflower will represent me as I drive along new roads, having fun doing it. I haven’t seen one on the road yet, so, my ride will be individualized. Just one great big sunflower, my favorite.
Deep in Widow’s Fog I was during Month 1 – Food, Shelter, Clothing. Always finding myself cold, I was in need of was a new sweater, my old ones becoming threadbare. The sweater came from Amish country. Four ply cashmere, black, thick, and beautiful. When wearing it, I’ll get a special “First Month Gone” hug from VST. He loved supplying cashmere to warm his forever-cold wife. Thoughtful in the sweetest ways was he.
For Adventure, a framed selfie of my first solo Lake Tahoe Cruise in August now sits on the book shelf. When looking at that picture in Lake Tahoe frame, it takes me back to the drive up the mountain that day. I felt so free and adventurous. It’s a mini vacation every time I look at it.
Faith, is spelled a metal sign. Simply, Faith. It hangs with two beautiful pictures K had framed for me. One of VST by a pristine Sierra Lake, and the other of the sunrise on the morning he left us, while we had him still. The sky was cloud-filled, colored the deepest oranges and purples, at the time of day I love the most. K caught that, keeping it for us as a memory and reminder that Faith is all we have in life.
So, it’s January. If you’re a person that doesn’t start things unless you can do it for the entire year, start now. Choose a January word. You have time. Write about it. Put up signs around your house to remind you. Write it with erasable pen on your bathroom mirror. But, most importantly, wrap your heart with it, like a warm blanket. When things get tough, it’ll help you stand tall and remember the person you lost in the best way ever. A hug from them. A hug to yourself. A beautiful way to remember we must celebrate ourselves!