Over the holiday, I shared delightful hours speaking with Webster Girl. She entered my life for a second important time, emailing me the day after VST died. Without any idea tragedy unfolding, she invited me to a Zoom meeting with teaching sisters I hadn’t seen for years. None of them had any idea what we’d been doing, or that VST was even sick. After first meeting in the Spring of 1998, we became teaching friends of the best kind. She is funny, kind, and wickedly funny. I love her.
WG entered Widow’s Wilderness about 8 months before I did. Sadly, we share this alone, none of our teaching friends joining this club yet. Both alone on New Year’s Eve, there was time to talk about the two men we love so much.
One thing agreed upon was this. While surely experiencing devastating losses, unless it’s a spouse, others haven’t experienced a few key situations. Wanting to understand, they remember back to the loss of a grandparent, mother, father, or sibling. A child. A best friend. All totally devastating and life changing in ways that leave the soul crying for one last, “Before you go…..”
The loss of a spouse takes this to another level, entirely. With this loss, one grieves without the person who’d best know how to provide comfort. Know what to say in the right way. Know how to bring out a smile during the darkest of times. Know what food to prepare or what to say during tearful nights. The very person that would just know. Plain and simple. That’s the person that’s gone. A widow’s everything.
VST and I were fortunate we didn’t have dreams of “We’ll do that when…”s. So often we would see couples on their last big adventures, unable to fully enjoy the experience because they waited too long. We promised each other that would never be us, and it wasn’t. VST and I made adventures a priority. For that, I’m so thankful, while accepting there would’ve never been enough tomorrows. Luckily, no regrets.
For many widows, their best years were just starting. Beginning retirements. Settling into a new home. Getting everything set to start enjoying the good life. Just when good things were beginning, they were robbed by death. How cruel when the person, whose company you enjoy the most, vanishes. When your other half dissolves into a poof of memories. Cheated out of “What we could have done’s.” Not fair, but certainly LIFE at its most real and raw.
WG and I discussed how all the physical parts of our homes immediately returned to normal after death. Hospice equipment. Gone. Nurses calling 3-4 x a day. Gone. Furniture. All moved back into place. The space that cradled our guys. Empty air. All happening on the very day they died, underscoring the unbelievable fact that they’d gone. With the house back to normal, we looked on as the heart insisted it never happened, while the mind absorbed the facts, and the eyes became a storm of tears. Even after a long illness, the shock of absence is overwhelming. With a fast and untimely death, it’s almost incomprehensible for new widow.
By second annual holidays, people forget that it is ONLY the 2nd holiday without. There are continuing patches of wilderness with the darkness cold and trees thick. WG just went through this 2nd year, with unexpected experiences. People forget this loss, not meaning to. Another year has past. They wonder why the blues have come to visit again, not quite understanding, they’ll never entirely go away.
Time, family, and friends have helped WG and I. We were able to discuss and laugh about many things, un-laugh-able months before. We shared memories of things to painful to discuss just months prior. Dreams we are making for ourselves and how they will be realized. We’re two women that have become stronger in our journeys through Widows Wilderness together.
Whatever the loss that’s devastated you, I wish for you a friend like WG who knows the darkness of losing a mate, while finding her way remembering things cherished and wonderful. Make sure your friend likes to laugh. It’s healthy. Off you go. One foot in front of the other, while taking another widow’s hand. It’ll make the journey much easier.