Settle. To appoint, fix, or resolve definitively and conclusively.
This week, my autumn of independence blows on towards it’s conclusion. The words “settle, settled, and settling” whirl around my brain. Like the leaves I try to rake, they are important parts of my life as it distills, leaving naked truths and core beliefs I must acknowledge. I am no longer stuttering with sobs of grief, although, I miss VST. I don’t find myself angry about the last year with all its mysteries and revelations. This, a most precious time, has become one in which to make choices that are exciting, self affirming, and mine.
Just as the walls of Winterpast are adorned with memories displayed of my choosing, I must now carefully select values suited for the woman I am, and those that will pave my path as I continue on my journey. The days left cannot be anything but a brilliance of my choosing in every aspect. From morning’s dark covers until evening spreads her veil, my every move must be conscious and deliberate, because my days are now short. Life is my most prized possession. It will not be squandered or carelessly ignored as I am now my own firebrand, cheering my soul, strong and beautiful after suffering through the darkest of days.
Settle.
Agree upon (as time, price, conditions).
The desert and I agree her howling winds awaken feelings in me heart. She and I have have settled upon conditions I need to accept. My hair and skin will always lack in moisture. Sand blasting winds sting a bit, rocking the Jeep as I zip here and there. I need to respect her power, the bitch that is the desert. I have found a stark beauty that speaks to my heart in ways I understand. I love her for letting me come in from the cold to rest. She soothes a battered woman that is rebuilding. She and I have settled on our terms and work well together in this place I love so much.
I have accepted and agreed to conditions in which I find myself. Of course, I would have loved my story to have ended in any other way. But, it ended the way it did. Just as things in life cease, new beginnings are possible. Winterpast is dormant now. Frost has stolen it all. The gardener was removing some bushes and plants a few weeks ago. One ugly, lone bush was bare, so I requested that the dead plant be added to the list.
“But, look, Joy,” he showed me, snapping a small branch, “Life is still here.” Yes. He was so right. Dormancy had come early to this little bush, but life was resting deep inside. My new life is embryonic and fragile. Some days, decisions and choices are intoxicating and wild, possibilities endless and exciting. Agreeing and accepting just the right ones can be exhausting, but also exhilarating as I create my own terms.
With days flying by, I see my past life with VST on the stage of my memories. Right now, some things are still best clouded in a mist of perfection, remembering them in gilded beauty, which was woven throughout our lives. But, as in any real marriage, there were peaceful days fractured as life happened. Broken families mending and blending hold a myriad of challenges and bitter splintered dreams. No man is the perfect version of himself in every aspect at all times. VST was no different.
As a reader myself, loving refreshing and fulfilling words, I often look for beauty and an escape from real troubles we all know and have. Perhaps a bit too much of that Pollyanne-ish syrup is poured over the cornflakes of this, my story. It is the totality of our years that, together, resulted in the beautiful life we experienced.
To settle.
Choosing to become romantically involved with someone who is not exactly right, but convenient to be with, as in the best available, because it is easier.
Now, my life lessons are in review. In this, my final chapter, I will be faced with defining personal boundaries. Surrounding me in safety, boundaries will provide a place in which to enjoy life. New Friends are coming into my life now. Neighbors becoming family. Bank associates learning my financial habits while watching out for me. CPA’s and lawyers tending to things in which I am not well versed.
A special friend of a different kind has entered my life. While offering minutes of quiet in which I can take a breath to feel a sense of safety, I have found kindness in MFP. As familiarity grows in sweet moments, I find a bit of relief from the constant need to divert incoming dangers from every direction. This friendship is a soft space to be present, while we overflow with intelligent conversation, laughter, and peace. Our dates are no longer identified by a number, but by brand new memories that are unfolding, slowly and sweetly, one after the other. Settled by the smile I wear when he is around, it is by total choice that we have shared time together. By total choice that our sweet dates continue.
Settle.
In my next chapter as Woman, I won’t settle, even for a moment, because it is easier or just convenient. Editors and Agents will be selected, not taken at first sight. Professional services will be carefully evaluated and chosen when needed. Unwanted influence will not change what I wear, say, or write unless I concur their ideas may enhance my health and life. Judgement, thrown like darts, will simply bounce off this tough crone while sage observations and suggestions will be up for consideration, the final assessment and choices mine, along with consequences. Trusting my inner voice, I won’t settle just because.
My mother-in-love had a saying that would bring me to teary laughter every time. A sweet and ladylike woman, she was also wickedly funny. When conversations had circled enough times about any subject she would stop, and with a delightful smile tell me,
“Joy. You must remember this. The more you stir a turd, the more it stinks.”
In other words. Stop. Don’t overthink or worry for a moment. Let things settle. What is left will be the essence of what’s truly important in any troublesome situation. Flush the rest down. Repeat. Crystalline truths will appear, springing forth from the muck of confusion.
Settled. Settling In. Never settling, just because. Settled with the New. Settled with time. Settled in very sweet arms. Not settled until more is known. Settled with what is, when everything is settled.
Yup. Just like the leaves outside. Churning, whirling, changing, revealing, and then, gone, leaving stark realities behind. I remain. Strong and resilient in happiness that is my life.
Settled. For this moment in time.