Although we were under the 30 minute maximum time allotment set for the service, it felt like an eternity had just ended. My legs felt jello-ed and unsure as I sank into the chair, welcoming others to take over for me.
When we, as a family, had decided the order of presenters, I had made one thing clear. I could not speak after my sweet Grandson’s song, Amazing Grace. After anyone else, I could find my voice and speak. I was pretty sure after he sang my requested song, practiced for two months with his vocal coach, I would be a sobbing mess. So, I needed to speak first. How unthoughtful I was not to realize anyone speaking or singing after me would be in the same boat.
This charming young man of 16 years, over 6 feet and yet, still the little boy I had watched grow his entire life, stood to take his place. The music started and so did he. Emotions were so raw with the ten of us sitting together. The reality of VST’s passing was something we were all dealing with, each one sobbing at different times during the service. Now, sorrow overtook him and his voice was robbed with tears taking its place. This young man, who had been acting in an adult ensemble for two years, could not act his way out of true, absolute, and raw grief for the Grandfather he loved so much.
It was at that point, I never loved My son-in-love more. For, with a Father’s sense of their son in need, he stood with him, and immediately put his arm around his weeping child. With internal strength and will that came for the depths of his soul, my Grandson started to sing a duet with his dad, after wiping tears to soldier through. Again, he was betrayed by his mourning soul, buckling under the weight of sadness and now, the surprise of the onslaught of these raw and powerful emotions. It was at that moment I could not allow him to be there alone with his Dad. I joined them on the other side. As the three of us cried through the song, we conquered it as a tribute to our family. A final tribute to VST. In that moment, the entire group in attendance, each and every person, was moved to their knees, while witnessing pure love in action. It was a moment that is etched in my soul.
The song completed, emotional surprises continued. K moved to the front with a large gift bag. We had not planned this part of the ceremony together as it was a surprise for me. She began to talk of VST’s love for me, and their love for me as well. It was then she produced a framed picture. Weeks before, she had asked if I would send her a particular picture of VST I had taken at a lake near Mammoth. The picture was one of my favorites, and really, one of the few we stopped to take of each other. We were always so fluid and busy in our outings, that we never stopped long enough to capture ourselves by camera. On this picture, K had inscribed part of the dedication VST had made in his doctoral dissertation.
The inscription read…….
“Words cannot express my gratitude, respect, and love for my darling wife and my best friend, Joy, whose continued support and encouragement made this dissertation possible.”
This beautiful gift was an emotional hug to me. As I sat stunned, her bag wasn’t yet emptied. She went on to produce an even sweeter present. K had made a Hugging Pillow out of one of VST’s dress shirts. How many days had he rushed home the back way, deeply troubled by things he had dealt with at work. Zigging and zagging, he had one mission. To return to me. How many days I had hugged that man-filled shirt and felt the tensions of the days dissipate. I was reduced to sobs as I clutched it to my chest. The beauty of these gifts makes me weep still today. I cherish my sweet daughter so much.
Masonic friends made a special presentation of a Widow’s pin, complete with instructions on when and how to wear it. As they stood encircling me, I felt their presence and the love and respect they felt for their Masonic brother. I am so blessed with the love of so many friendships VST forged.
Finally, the time had come. With my girlfriends bringing out beautiful balloons, it was time to release them into the heavens. Because no matter our grief and wishes that it were not so, it was time to Let Go, and Let God. With a Happy Birthday, we released 66 beautifully colored balloons heavenward. As they danced their up into the bright blue sky, the beauty of the moment stunned everyone. For a moment time stopped, and there a most delicate Good Bye symbolized as their colors became smaller and smaller, until they were finally all out of sight.
The beauty and healing of the ceremony created by my family and I has been fully described through my writing, inadequate and stumbling. The love required to make that day possible, started so very long ago, with a guy not much more than a boy himself and his girlish-gal grabbing love and holding on for dear life. In an explosion, over the 32 years we were together, we created something grand and unique unto its own. Our Family.
We did alright, Dr. H. Smile down and be proud. You are missed every day. We send you love. We will see you again someday, and until then, Fare Thee Well.
Wrenching and wonderful!
Since your first blogs were so specifically explorative, beautifully written discoveries of your own sad , sudden experience that could prove helpful to others who shared the horrid time, I was less comfortable as your grief became more personal, all consuming and laid out for all to share. (Call it a stiff backed New England thing. I’m thinking my father wasn’t the only emotionally constipated member of the family!) No one can read the Grieving Gardener and not share your grief. Your writing is gifted I think and I pray it’s given you the peace , release and comfort you seek after suffering such a shattering loss. Thank God I’ve had eight years to adjust to life without Buck in my pocket before reading your heart stopping words. How lucky were we to marry such wonderful men? Welcome to the Club. Membership is exclusive, no one applies but all are the luckiest ladies alive.
Blessings!